Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.
I love you because my love for you has been the motivation to step
out and to participate in PAIRS. The second weekend experience at PAIRS
was equally intense as compared to the first. Saturday was focused on
two models of the brain designed to help us understand our reactions
better. One we have talked about is Left-Brain, Right-Brain. One model we
have not discussed is Reptilian, Paleomammalian (limbic system), and Neomammalian.
In the second model our base instincts are handled in the Reptilian
brain: survival, instincts, safety, security, pain avoidance, food,
pleasure, controls, reactions, terror, rage, agony, sexuality with
no feeling, etc. The Limbic System is the emotional and chemical
center of the brain, defining: how we feel, nurture of our young,
social interactions, how we react to pleasure and pain instead of
just survival reactions, etc. In this model of the brain it is really
interesting how there is no time and space (strong emotions take us
immediately back to unresolved emotional experiences), everything is
right now (reactions are immediate and strong and independent of a
current circumstance), we can listen to someone's voice and hear how
old they are in their limbic brain, screaming takes us right to the
limbic, 90% of our strong reactions from history are located in this
part of the brain, and whatever gets stuck here affects our chemistry
and creates psycosymatic illnesses. The Neomammalian or frontal lobe
is the conductor of the orchestra, and where attention, judgement,
sequential planning, and awareness of consequences lies. The neocortex
makes us different from other living creatures because it reflects on
itself, is a heartless computer, desires newness, seeks novelty,
wants to be entertained all of the time, and is the driving force for
growth in our lives.
PAIRS is structured to help one get in touch with each portion of
our brain. Dr. White referred to the right side of the brain as the
religious side of the brain. I've known for some time it was the
home of intuition and thus creativity. There were several concepts
presented that broke new ground for me and really struck home. For
instance the following diagram (which is suppose to represent a cone):
<![CDATA[
+ God
/ \ Oneness
/ \ Interdependence
/ ^ \ Unconditional Love
/ | \ Fair Witness
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
/ ^^^^|^^^^ \
^^^^^ | ^^^^^^
+ + +
vvvvv vvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvv
Pleasure Pain
Good Bad Judgements (all of which are inappropriate)
Right Wrong
Independent Dependence
]]>
This diagram is shows the bipolar nature of the natural person and how
the natural person needs to lift themself from the base of the cone to
the peak. Discernment is ok, but judgement is not ok. The root of the
word `happiness' is a Greek word meaning `what happens.' When we attack
or run away we will not grow and our relationships die. We are not giving
up anything to stay present and to stay loving. We project our shadow on
others we have relationships with and judge them. We project the part we
don't want to look at. Judgements are about us and not about the other
person.
I'm probably repeating myself. I guess I have realized through PAIRS
how much there is to learn outside of geology, computers, geophysics,
business, and the net. Dr. White told me she wanted me to beat the
mattress Saturday afternoon, but I couldn't do it. I talked to her after
the day was over and told her I could not say the things which have me
so upset about you in front of other people because I love you. She said,
`If you ever want to get her back and to get your kids back you have got
to get it out. You must express the painfull feelings in full measure.'
As I told you Monday evening, I beat the mattress Sunday afternoon
while Fast & Testimony Meeting was going on. I was still controlled, and
I did my very best to express my anger and not to attack or judge you.
It was intense. After beating the mattress the first time, I had brought
my guitar and I sang `I Once Saw A Family.' Dr. White told me I live in
an illusion, stopped everyone from clapping, and got me to hit the
mattress some more. It took until Monday evening for me to even be able
to begin to understand all they were saying to me. It is ok to have a
vision and a dream. It is not ok to have illusions, a box that makes us
think if we don't get there we have failed, a box tied to form. Leonard
Richards said `When I came to the conclusion this was an illusion there
was fusion.' I am striving with all of my heart, might, mind, and strength
to define the illusions of my life, to get back pursuing my appropriate
visions, and to get out of the pain of my childhood and the judgements I
was trained to make. I look forward to helping you along this same rocky
path. I am making this effort because I love me and because I love you.
I'm interested in sharing why I love you. I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'
With all my love,
Roice