Blame and Shame
Dear Paul and Kate, Melanie and Jared, Bridget and Justin, Sara, Ben and Sarah, Heather, Audrey, Rachel, and Matt via hardcopy,
cc: file, Andrea, Tony Hafen, Sara and Des Penny,
Pauline Nelson via Aunt Sara, & Maxine Shirts
Welcome to "Thoughtlets." This is a weekly review of an idea,
belief, thought, or words that will hopefully be of some benefit
to you, my children, with an electronic copy to on-line extended
family members. Any of you can ask me not to clutter your mail
box at any time.
"I spent time with 4 psychologists in my efforts to save my
marriage to Marti. The common theme from these four
individuals, relative to my issues, were the words `blame and
shame.' It surprises me I have only used the phrase once in
previous Thoughtlets (../0009.html), however I have used the
word `blame' 32 times and the word `shame' 15 times. I know
for the last 8 years or so I have attempted to be very
conscious about not playing blame and shame games. Hopefully
you have each heard me say something like `This is a no fault
family,' when someone has started to say `it's your fault,'
or `it's my fault.' Yet, this phrase only shows up once in
past Thoughtlets (../9916.html), and so maybe I haven't done
as well as I have strived to do.
The blame and shame baloney has played too much of a role in
conversations and interactions this week. I will only be
specific relative to work items, and surely each of you
who bother to read these weekly Thoughtlets realize work
stuff mostly washes off my back, and family stuff is what I
internalize and struggle with. Having been guilty of
playing blame and shame games, I have become over sensitized
to others who refuse to take responsibility for their own
choices and blame or shame someone else in order to relieve
their own guilt. There were several wonderful comments in
General Conference today about this type of self-defense,
and I think it is worthwhile to quote them as a means to
cautiously talk about this most sensitive of subjects.
President Hinckley set the tone of what I want to say in the
first talk where he said:
<![CDATA[ `Our prayers are not always answered. Happiness comes
through obedience. The Lord tests us and thus helps us
to reach our full potential.']]>
David E. Sorenson's talk which followed was specifically
related to blame and shame. It includes a story about
a couple of farmers who argued about who was stealing
water from who from the irrigation ditch. Having grown
up regularly going to turn our share of the water down
the ditch to our farm, I understood this story very well.
Anyone who reads this and sees a need to look at themselves
would do well to go to www.lds.org, look up his talk, and
read it. One man was blinded in a shovel fight, then a
few years later he killed his neighbor and spent most of
the rest of his life in prison. Passion escalated out of
control because the two men were so busy with blame and
shame they could not forgive each other. He goes on to
show how the Savior teaches us to forgive each other
quickly. He gave an example of Brigham Young's teachings
about letting our passions overcome us. Brigham taught
that if we get bit by a rattlesnake we can (1) pursue
the snake and kill it, or (2) we can remove the venom.
The first leads to death and the second to life. If we
fill our thoughts with blame and shame it can lead into
estrangements. He taught we can not afford to let
passions ruminate even one day. Forgiveness of sin is
not tolerance of sin. Forgiveness does not require us
to tolerate evil. When we forgive others it leaves us
free for our future lives.
I liked President Faust's talk in the Priesthood Session.
He pointed out:
<![CDATA[ `There are so many shades of right and wrong we must
each decide where to stand. If we have any question
about whether something is right or wrong, don't do it.
Avoid not only evil, but also the appearance of evil.
The devil's voice is smooth and appealing. Satan is
the greatest imitator. He comes into our lives as a
thief in the night. There are always two opposing
forces: good and evil. We can not have it both ways
and have happiness.']]>
In this mornings session, President Faust taught us to
not condemn our parents because of their imperfections,
and quoted Moroni from Mormon 9:31:
<![CDATA[ `Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither
my father, because of his imperfection, neither them
who have written before him; but rather give thanks
unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our
imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than
we have been.']]>
Boyd K. Packer taught this afternoon that:
<![CDATA[ `We should draw close to our parents and grandparents.
The temples were built to tie generations together.
Older people have steadiness from experience. ...
Life's lessons, some of them very painful qualify us
to advise or give correction.']]>
Spencer V. Jones of the 70 pointed out:
<![CDATA[ `Being sprayed by a skunk is not a normal consequence
of sin. However, just like the smell, our sin is
always there. Always to our Heavenly Father it is
glaringly apparent. Their countenance doth witness
against them and can not be hid.']]>
Maybe you will have a hard time seeing how these six
examples relate to blame and shame. So I will attempt
to be specific. Obedience is a basic doctrine of the
gospel. Righteous parents or Mission Presidents are
not going to ask those they love and serve to do
something unless it will protect them from Satan.
Forgiveness is the opposite of blame and shame, and
if one rather chooses to ruminate on a possible
wrong, the resulting blame will justify blinding or
killing their neighbor. We can not have both good
and evil, and blame and shame is not good. We can
not grow close to parents if we or they are blaming
and shaming. A spiritual person, simply looking at
the countenances of different parties, can often
recognize who is choosing good and who is choosing
some evil like blame and shame. There were many
times, pre-marrying Andrea, where people would
comment to me about how unhappy I was, or how
angry and mad I appeared to be, or in other words
how my habit of blame and shame was overflowing. It
is nice that I have not heard those kinds of words
in the last 5 years. I attribute this to obedience,
forgiveness, choosing good, and thanks to PAIRS
reaching some reconciliation with my parents.
Hopefully none of you have to wait until you are
nearly 50 to work through stuff that never should be.
Stuff I have written about in the past, for example,
the song I wrote called Insecurity (../0032.html).
After I finished, I received an e-mail from Melanie,
and it makes since to add it into this Thoughtlet:
<![CDATA[ `Hi dad,
Since you will probably be writing about conference this
week, I thought I'd just include what I felt and thought
about during the eight hours I was able to listen to the
apostles and prophets.
I'm not sure if I was more teachable at this conference or
if I just need a lot of help right now in my life, but I
was so touched by the talks at conference. Every one had
something that pertained to my life right now. Instead of
going over each talk, I'm just going to generalize my
initial thoughts and goals.
There were several key words and phrases that I noticed
carried through several talks:
Perilous times. I don't have a spiritual insight to this
phrase, except that it was mentioned several times the past
two days that we do live in perilous times. I think we
all see that in our own respective ways. Through the wisdom
of the prophet and his apostles, we are provided ways to
deal with, understand, and rise above these times as happy,
successful, and fulfilled people!
Prepared. If you are prepared than you will not fear. Now
is the time to prepare to meet God. Prepare your family by
getting an education, building up your food storage,
eliminate debt, pay tithing, and obey the commandments. In
the first session, 3 of the 6 talks emphasized preparing
ourselves in all these ways. What a peace of mind comes
from being prepared. I don't feel prepared right now, but
I was touched and feel extremely compelled to take that step
in my life right now to prepare my family for the unknown. I
encourage everyone reading this thoughtlet to do the same.
Sara asked me when she was visiting recently if food storage
was for the millennium and I assured her no! That food
storage is a way to prepare for lost jobs, lost spouses,
and other terrible things that could happen. If we are
prepared physically, financially, and spiritually for
situations like this than we will be able to face challenges
when they come our way and we can rise above these challenges.
This is one of my goals from this conference to prepare my
family for the unexpected.
Personal worthiness & growth we face challenges in our
life so that we may stretch our capacity and grow to our
greatest potential. Richard G. Scott said that the
fundamental purpose of life is personal growth. Along
with this topic, I heard the term journey several times.
The righteous character we are seeking is what we are
becoming, not what we are. Neal A. Maxwell talked about
becoming a disciple of Christ and said that it takes longer
than an afternoon, it is an ongoing process. I know that
our personal worthiness plays a fundamental role in our
personal growth. I will struggle with this topic the rest
of my life, but I know that is OK. None of us are perfect.
It is important not to lose sight of the ultimate goal to
be together as a family forever! It takes diligent and
consistent effort to grow positively as a person. We must
have goals, work and prayer for help on them daily, and
most importantly look to the example of Christ. We are
so blessed to know that it is possible to be together
forever! No other religion has this eternal knowledge.
Cleave to families and eternal sealings. I was particularly
touched by the emphasis placed in a couple of talks on just
how powerful eternal sealings are! Also, this quote from
the Proclamation to the World was mentioned two or three
times: Successful marriages and families are established
and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance,
forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome
recreational activities. We have all the answers right
here! I know things don't work out as we plan most of the
time. Maybe marriages and families aren't as idealistic
as I like to believe they can be - everyone has their free
agency. But I truly believe this quote and I believe that
the principles listed can create a peaceful home. I am so
grateful to all of you for your examples and love! I
TREASURE this family! I love everyone in it and I value
your place in my life.
Respect the holy and the sacred Dennis B. Neuenschwander
said, Sacred and sacrifice come from the same root.
Nothing becomes sacred until you have sacrificed for it.
How true this is! I see how much the world is stripping
meaning and purpose from our lives through the media and
other means. Sacredness has lost its value to so many
things. Eternal marriage is sacred and I was so grateful
to hear F. Burton Howard of the seventy say, if you want
something to last forever, cherish it, don't expose it.
You must sacrifice for the sacred. Pray to Heavenly Father!
Read His words and get to know him through the scriptures to
show Him that you love Him. Through sacrifice, the word of
God becomes sacred to you. As you put effort and time into
these sacred things, they become sacred to you. Scriptures
come alive and you will feel the spirit testify that they
are true! That we do have a PROPHET on the earth today!
That the atonement is genuine and real and it works!
Henry B. Eyring said that it does not take a true disciple of
Christ special effort to pray or think of the Savior it is a
daily, hourly reality! I know this is true because I've been
there before and I feel a renewed desire to have that
relationship with my Heavenly Father and be that way again.
Boyd K. Packer pointed out this interesting fact: the Quorum
of the twelve with the first presidency has an average age of
77. Combined, they have 1,161 years of life experience.
They have 430 cumulative years experience as general
authorities of the church. I liked it when he said, With
almost anything we discuss, we can say, been there, done
that. These men not only have experience, but they have the
spirit.
At the close, President Hinckley said, It's all over but the
work. That is why I am writing this out. I usually feel
inspired after conferences, but I do nothing with that
inspiration. By summarizing my thoughts, I am clarifying my
goals. I am taking these feelings and turning them into
actions in my life that I may feel the peace of the gospel
that I may enjoy the constant companion of the Holy Ghost in
my life and that my testimony will increase so that I may
raise Colby and my future children to have a love for the
Savior!
Love,
Melanie']]>
Melanie's words remind me of another interesting talk
about the speaker going with a General Authority and
speaking to youth. The speaker noticed 5 youth who
were not there spiritually. When he mentioned it to
the other General Authority, he said, `No, there were
eight.' Kids think they are covering things up. And
parents know. And it hurts. Of course, parent's also
know when kids are doing the right things. And Melanie's
words are a specific example of this. No blame and no
shame, just words from the heart. She spent 25 minutes
on the phone this afternoon with my Mom. Same thing.
Early in the week Matt got really angry with Mom,
who was attempting to teach a true principle. This
happens every once in a while, although I'm pleased
to report that very seldom do Matt and I have problems
with each other. After he went outside to cool down
for a while, he came into the office and we talked
(he talked and I listened) for quite a while. I did
describe how our family reactions can be compared to
the magnet toy Uncle Des and Aunt Sara gave us. I'm
sure all of you have seen it, although Uncle Tony,
Grandma Shirts, and Mom haven't seen it. The base
plate looks a bull's-eye (as shown to the right 
. There
is a magnet on the end of a string controlled by
gravity which hangs right over the bull's-eye. When
a magnet is placed on the base plate, it moves the
hanging magnet off centered. I compared our family
life to this magnet, and pointed out how the
interactions get complicated when there are three
or four magnets on the base plate. He seemed to
grasp that the disagreements he and I have had in the
past might be related to stored up anger in some of
the other magnets. Opps, there I go again, writing
something which will come across as blame and shame.
It was interesting to see Matt follow Mom's advice
the rest of the week, once he got over the pride of
the moment.
As I thought about the analogy more this week, it
coalesced (see image below). Living a Christ
Centered Life, is like the magnet hanging over the
center of the base plate. This is kept in focus
by loving God with all of our heart, might, mind,
and strength, and by loving our neighbors as
ourselves. When we add a magnet to the base plate,
like shame or blame, greed or spendthrift, pride
or insecurity, or control or lack-of-control, or
any combination of these, we throw off our Christ
Centered Life. There are lots of actions which
we can take which will impact living a Christ
Centered Life. For example, in the third ring are
the 10 commandments, and in the fourth ring are
issues which seem to be major issues with people
in our time relative to focusing our lives on the
spiritual. I am hoping, for those who remember
playing with the magnets, you will be able to
visualize how this analogy clearly illustrates the
far reaching impact of our choices. We can not
see the magnetic lines of flux, any more than we
can see the the path sin leads us on. However,
we can experience the results. The sooner we
strive to remove the negative, and focus on the
positive, i.e. place a magnet in the center which
attracts us to it rather than repels us from it,
the sooner we can find peace and happiness.
In terms of my week, it was a pretty hard week.
My first important meeting was on Thursday with
a senior executive from ConocoPhillips whom I
have known for years. He went to a different
restaurant (Carmello's instead of Carabba's), and
said we will have to reschedule. I was devastated,
and although he blamed me, I was as polite as I
knew how to be in return. He did call me back
later in the evening, apologized, and said he
had read his calendar wrong.
On Friday I had a meeting with IHS, a database
company, to get hardcopy on a quote they gave me
over the phone. When they provided me a hardcopy
quote, instead of US$35,082 it was was US$95,082.
They apologized profusely and said the 9 looks
like a 3 on their monitor, have never had anything
like this happen before, and promised to work with
me to extract data, etc. Bottom line is the
quotation I had submitted to another company is in
some jeopardy. Needless to say, it is very easy
to use blame and shame words when something like
this happens. I didn't, and hopefully something
will work out.
There were two e-mails from IBM-China, and the
bottom line is the accounting department was told
to pay me the remaining $6,000. as soon as possible.
Again, I strived to not blame and shame, and early
in the week I even sent them a proposal to help them
build a process model of their accounting processes,
so as to help them run their China operation more
professionally. Receiving these e-mails gave Andrea
enough confidence she was willing to start working
on arranging for plane tickets to come to Paul and
Audrey's graduations. Depending on how many are
coming back from Cedar, it might still make more
sense to drive than to fly. We need to decide by
Tuesday, when the booked tickets need to be
finalized. One of the reasons this week was so hard
is Andrea has been upset and hurt.
Our finances have not helped. We had a nice talk
early in the week, where she described how she has
always struggled with not having enough finances,
and recent setbacks and nonpayment of bills have
been very hard for her. One example which she
shared, and which I am sharing because I think it
is a good thing for each of you to know and to learn
from, was when she first went into Mohey Tawa. They
had very nice suits they wore every Friday, and part
of the suit was to have a pair of black shoes. She
did not get black shoes until her birthday in January,
and she was blamed and shamed, teased and ridiculed
by other girls in the marching group because of her
brown shoes. It is important to point out she did
not blame her parents. They were supporting
missionaries, and money was tight. However, it hurt
then, and when there is question as to whether we
can go to kids graduations without running up more
credit card debt, it hurts now.
On the other side of the coin, I received the following
requested e-mail from Paul, describing his recent trip
to Los Angeles, and the benefits which can come from
taking advantage of family connections:
<![CDATA[ `I went to LA for a week for a conference on virtual reality.
I am planning on doing my master's thesis on virtual reality
applications in mechanical engineering design. I thought it
would be good to meet some of the major players in the game
and learn more about current technologies.
The conference was held from Sat. March 22 to Wed. March 26.
I didn't have a lot of money so I found several ways to get
the majority of the conference paid for with some help from
Roice III. Kate, Grant, and I drove to St. George on
Thursday night the 20 March. We stayed the night at Kate's
family's house. I knew that I would be really busy during
the conference, so I left Kate and Grant at her families so
her family could help watch Grant. Kate's sister also has a
new baby and Kate wanted to help take care of the two of them.
I left about noon on Friday and drove to LA. I made it on
one tank of gas from St. George in six hours. Roice's old
roommate in LA was nice enough to give me a place to crash
for the week. His name is Mark and he is currently working
in commercial real estate. Roice has excellent tastes in
friends. I went out to eat dinner my first night there with
Mark and his girlfriend Justine. We went to a tasty Chinese
place and split three different dishes between the three of
us. When we walked outside the restaurant our car was only
about 10 feet away so I started to walk to the car. Mark
said, "Paul what are you doing, this is LA." Just then a
valet serviceman pulled the car out of the stall right next
to us and pulled it up to us. I couldn't believe it the had
valet for 10 feet and the fellow still expected a tip. This
and the traffic was enough to make me never want to live in
LA. I can see why Roice moved back to Austin.
I was a little nervous about the conference since I didn't
know anyone there, yet there were many significant people I
wanted to meet with. This turned out not to be an issue due
to some of Dad's friends. On the first day of the conference
I introduced myself to Bowin Loftin (the director of the
entire conference and one of Dad's friends) and told him
that my dad wanted to me say hi. Once he realized who my
dad was he took me under his wing and started to take me
around the conference. Bowin not only introduced my to every
person that I wanted to talk with, but he also politely told
each of them that they needed to sit down with me and spend
some time talking with me. Many of these people would not
have given me the time of day otherwise. Randall Smith is
the head of research and development at General Motors. I
am going to do an internship at GM this summer before I start
grad school in the fall. GM was having a hard time defining
the project that I would be working on. When I mentioned
this to him he said that he would take care of it. Since the
conference, he has resolved all of the issues with my
internship from the inside. That is all thanks to Bowin and
Dad. I also met several other of dad's friends. Carolina
Cruz-Niera is the co-Director of a virtual reality application
center at Iowa state University. She also took me under her
wing and is helping me out greatly. She is helping me get a
professor from Iowa State to sit on my masters thesis
committee at BYU for free!! This would have never happened
with out dad's name and this conference. I also met Martin
Goebil from Germany and many others who new dad and all spoke
very highly of him. In addition to Roice, dad also has very
good tastes in friends.
I learned too much to be able to cover in this e-mail, but I
learned everything I expected and more. As mentioned above,
I met everyone I wanted to meet and more. The conference was
a great success.
I made a great deal of friends at the conference. I think
that was largely due to some small red tickets. The red
tickets got each conference participant free alcoholic drinks
at nightly receptions. I always gave my to different people.
I had people I never met before coming up to me early in the
morning asking me for my red tickets. I think that I was the
only non-drinker at the conference.
There is very little being done in mechanical engineering
applications in virtual reality besides what is being done
at Iowa State. I am excited at the collaborative doors that
were opened with them at this conference.
I drove back up Wed to St. George. It was great to see Kate.
Grant was already asleep so I didn't see him until the morning.
We spent Thursday together as a family in St. George and then
drove home Thurs. night. I was back to work/school Friday and
started the catch-up process. I think that is about it. Let
me know if anyone has any questions.
love,
Paul']]>
I wish I had learned how to paint as positive a picture
as Paul draws when I was his age. It is much better to
give credit and praise than to blame and shame. I remember
once we were going on a trip and I asked one of you kids
to say a prayer. It was short and pulled some trigger in
me. I slammed the car into gear, and backed into the other
car. Then I proceeded to point out that the reason for
the car accident was because of the prayer. I do not have
words to say how sorry I am for my pride, my mistakes, and
my use of blame and shame. I request, as Moroni did, not
to be condemned because of my imperfections. Rather, that
you each give thanks unto God that he has shown you my and
Andrea's mistakes, and that you have learned to be more
wise than we have been. Hopefully none of you will have
an issue with passing the buck for your own mistakes onto
someone else using words which blame and shame."
I'm interested in sharing weekly a "thoughtlet" (little statements
of big thoughts which mean a lot to me) with you because I know how
important the written word can be. I am concerned about how easy
it is to drift and forget our roots and our potential among all of
distractions of daily life. To download any of these thoughtlets
go to http://www.walden3d.com/thoughtlets or e-mail me at
rnelson@walden3d.com.
With all my love,
Dad
(H. Roice Nelson, Jr.)
. There
is a magnet on the end of a string controlled by
gravity which hangs right over the bull's-eye. When
a magnet is placed on the base plate, it moves the
hanging magnet off centered. I compared our family
life to this magnet, and pointed out how the
interactions get complicated when there are three
or four magnets on the base plate. He seemed to
grasp that the disagreements he and I have had in the
past might be related to stored up anger in some of
the other magnets. Opps, there I go again, writing
something which will come across as blame and shame.
It was interesting to see Matt follow Mom's advice
the rest of the week, once he got over the pride of
the moment.