Welcome to "the engines of my love," a regular review
of why I love you, Martha Ellyn Sharp Nelson, and no
other woman.

#1, 28Feb95, Eyes.
"I love you because your eyes sparkle, and are the
 diamonds of my life."

#2, 01Mar95, Doctor.
"I love you because you took our children to the Doctor
 today, and I know and they know how much you love them
 and care for them."  

#3, 02Mar95, Piano.
"I love you because when I got back from the office last
 night you were playing the piano and singing at the top
 of your lungs.  I love to listen to you sing and play
 the piano."

#4, 03Mar95, Chance.
"I love you because you are giving me a chance to show you
 that I love you.  A chance to for me to recognize and
 change some of my bad habits.  A chance to show you that
 change can be permanent.  A chance to build bridges across
 chasms caused by anger, neglect, avoiding conflict, pride,
 travel, and the natural differences in perspective of two
 human beings.  I am sorry for my mistakes.  Thank you for
 helping me see some of them.  I love you because you are
 helping me become a better person, helping me to round off
 a few of my rough edges."

#5, 04Mar95, Mind.
"I love you because you are always improving your mind,
 whether it is by reading a book or by attending school or
 a workshop like you did today."

#6, 05Mar95, Columbus.
"I love you because you are willing to go to Columbus with
 me and to fulfill a calling from our church leaders.  I
 recognize that it is hard, and not your favorite thing to
 do.  You not only are willing to do it, you have taken the
 initiative, making sure the kids had lunch to eat on the
 way home, and preparing for 'feast day.'"

#7, 06Mar95, Ingenuity.
"I love you because you let me send you these pieces of my
 heart, and don't say anything negative about them.  Did you
 know that my very  favorite thing on the radio is John
 Lienhart's 'The engines of our ingenuity'?  For a couple of
 years I have attempted to leave the house at 7:30 AM, so I
 can listen to his wit and wisdom.  Now, when I go to BHP, I
 time my finishing at the office so I can listen to the 3:50
 PM replay of his latest musings.  He has over 1,000 programs
 now, and I figure that at an average of one 'the engines of
 my love' per day, it will take me 2.8 years to catch up to
 where he is now.  Since it took him 7 years to reach 1,000
 programs, it means he averages 150 programs per year.  This
 means I will still be over a year behind by the time I reach
 1,000 statements of my love.  It is wonderful that love like
 ingenuity is infinite, and that I will always be able to find
 new ways to tell you why I love you.  I'm sorry I haven't done
 this before.  The feelings have always been there, they have
 just been covered up with pride and anger."

#8, 07Mar95, Award.
"I love you because you left all of the work you have to do
 tonight, in order to get your grades out for tomorrow, and
 drove downtown to give me support and to be the flower on
 my arm."

#9, 08Mar95, Towel.
"I love you because you race my engine, especially when you
 just got out of the shower and are dressed in a towel."

#10, 09Mar95, Discipline.
"I love you because you made sure Melanie understood that she
 had gone around what you asked her to do.  I did not like the
 yelling that seemed to be tied to frustration, but that does
 not change the fact I love you."

#11, 10Mar95, Anticipate.
"I love you because you seem to anticipate how and when to meet
 my needs, and have shown a desire to put you own needs aside
 in order to help me."

#12, 11Mar95, Religion.
"I love you because you said you would go to the Know Your
 Religion with me tonight, even though you know you will be
 tired and have a lot of other things you are doing today."

#13, 12Mar95, Primary.
"I love you because today you are serving others through the
 primary, and taking some time for yourself with one of your
 friends.  I do the first part reasonably well, i.e. fulfill
 callings, but I haven't really done something just for fun
 with a friend for years.  The exceptions are all tied to a
 specific 'project' that I am interested in, but in a very
 real sense those don't count as fun.  They just feed my
 workaholism.  What is the possibility, as friends, that we
 could expand on your example of today and just go do something
 fun together?  I had suggested spending a night in a hotel
 away from home one evening this month, but that has overtones."

#14, 13Mar95, Tulips.
"I love you because you genuinely liked the yellow tulips and
 marigolds I planted in the front yard for you on Saturday."

#15, 14Mar95, Wife.
"I love you because you are my wife, and equally, because I am
 your husband."

#16, 15Mar95, Friends.
"I love you because you are a good friend to those you choose
 to be a friend to.  I remember how impressed I was with how you
 treated and loved your Pekinese dogs when we were dating.  I
 recall telling you that I knew you would love and care for our
 children based on how you treated those cute little animals. 
 You are the same way with your friends, as has been shown by
 the last couple of days with Ma Bartlet."

#17, 16Mar95, Newspapers.
"I love you because you have taught our kids about working by
 means of the newspaper routes.  I have assumed example would be
 enough to show the kids how to work.  But they never really see
 what I do, or how I do it, so how can it be an example.  As I
 look back on my life, I see how Dad and Grandpa Hafen put me to
 work doing things in order to teach me stuff.  I haven't done a
 good job of this for a variety of reasons.  It starts with the
 kind of work I do (excuse #1).  I remember when Ben came to
 HyperMedia at Park 10 and brought Steve Swope and they just 
 played around instead of waiting quietly while I had a client
 in and was giving a demonstration.  I came down on him, and have
 often wondered what I really taught him.  Thank you for teaching
 them the importance of taking on a job and sticking with it.  I
 love you for supplementing my efforts in teaching the kids."

#18, 17Mar95, Intelligent.
"I love you because you are intelligent and very quick.  Your
 response to David's e-mail last night ("He's so busy trying to be
 heard he can't hear anyone else.") was one of the most insightful
 comments I've ever heard."

#19, 18Mar95, Seventy.
"I love you because you are willing to put aside something you
 want to do (go the exhibit at the Menil Museum) to do something
 with me that I think is important (go listen to the testimony
 and comments of a General Authority, Elder Busche).  I believe
 we can do both, and hope you will tell me things you want to get
 done on Saturday so I can help you and you will feel good about
 taking some time for ourselves."

#20, 19Mar95, Paranoia.
"I love you because you have indirectly helped me to think about
 why I love you, to take the time to think about the positive, to
 put aside my paranoia, to bury my natural tendency to criticize
 (at least for a few minutes each time I write one of these
 'reviews'), and to take the time to put my thoughts in the
 written form you are reading.  It is a simple way of counting my
 blessings, which I now recognize I sometimes really need to do,
 in order not to completely fall apart." 

#21, 20Mar95, Together.
"I love you because you continue to work with me and not against
 me, even when, like this weekend with the stuff surrounding Roice
 and Ben, it is really hard.  I believe it is key that we
 communicate more in both quantity and quality.  Thank you for the
 commitments you made to yourself, and told me about last night. 
 I believe we can work things out if we open the channels of
 communication.  Can we get away from the house together for a
 night or a weekend at least once a month?  Ben says I am very hard
 to talk to.  I don't understand, but believe you do.  Please
 "climb the mountain" and continue to continue to work with me. 
 I do love you."

#22, 21Mar95, Neck.
"I love you because you will rub my neck, sometime after you read
 this, and I have a terrible headache and tight shoulder muscles
 and seem to have a desperate need some loving care.  Thanks in
 advance."

#23, 22Mar95, Blame.
"I love you because you don't blame me for the tulips dying.  I feel
 terrible about it, and I have been watering them, but there must be
 something wrong with the soil.  I blame myself, but keep telling 
 myself there wasn't anything I could do about it.  Look at how well 
 the marigolds are growing.  They also say I love you."

#24, 23Mar95, Breakfast.
"I love you because you "had a good visit" with Sherry (according to
 her e-mail today).  That's all she said, and probably all she will
 say, and it leaves me very curious about your breakfast.  About five
 times over the years Sherry has worked for me, I have briefly talked
 with her about how you and I are getting along.  She has told me twice
 to stop complaining about family meals, and twice to encourage you to
 go to New England to spend some time with Captain Harriman (sp?).  I
 think Sherry has her head on straight, I know she is also your friend,
 and hope you also felt it was a good visit."

#25, 24Mar95, Forget.
"I love you because you pointed out how I need to forget about something
 you said that hurt me and go forward, after all I have said things that
 have hurt you.  I am sorry I have hurt you.  Thanks for your advice."

#26, 25Mar95, Olympics.
"I love you because we are going to go to the Special Olympics together,
 and having gone to two of these in the past, I can already sense the 
 appreciation for life that this experience brings out.  Roice has said
 a couple of times that he wishes there were things we enjoyed doing 
 together as a family.  I don't know that the Special Olympics
 qualifies, but maybe it could be a catalyst for thoughts about things
 we already do together (vacations, Christmas, etc.) and things we
 would enjoy doing."

#27, 26Mar95, Milk.
"I love you because you were willing to get up and go get milk, even
 after I wrote you an angry note the night before.  It helped me a lot.
 I got home at 1:30 AM. I worked from 6:30 until 9:30 AM finishing up
 putting together the materials for my presentation.  It turned out the
 President of BHP America's was there, and my presentation went
 extremely well, from my perspective.  It will be interesting to see
 the reaction of other members of the sub-salt team on Monday."

#28, 27Mar95, Massage.
"I love you because you liked being massaged yesterday afternoon.  It
 is special when I can do something for you that you like.  It makes
 me feel worthwhile and not rejected."

#29, 28Mar95, Expression.
"I love you because you got past my facial expression this morning, and
 showed concern for how I am feeling and coping with (not very well)
 what seems to me to be insurmountable pressures and challenges."

#30, 29Mar95, Ironing.
"I love you because you ironed a white shirt and found me stockings this
 morning, even though you don't feel at all well.  I hope you start to
 feel better soon." 

#31, 30Mar95, Watching.
"I love you because you talked with me this morning about doing
 something enjoyable together.  I have been thinking about our
 communication since leaving the house this morning, and hope you find
 the following 'picture' and formula useful:
                                 ~~~
 Watching    -~-      Watching  ~~~~~       Paranoia,
 the World  |o -|  +  Roice    ~|o -|~  =   Reaction,
            | v |              ~| v |~      Over-reaction,
            \---/              ~\---/~      Judgment,
             ~V~                 ___        Criticism, etc.;

 i.e. 'looking beyond the mark' + 'looking to be disappointed' = 'unhappiness'.
 We can enjoy each other, and I love you for your efforts to 'make it so'."

#32, 31Mar95, Dinner.
"I love you because you are going out to dinner with me tonight.  I have
 set a goal not to talk about any of the negative stuff that has filled
 my mind.  In reading over your note on the Ideal Man, I would like to 
 talk about yours and my interests in books, ideas, music, theater, ways
 of thinking, and people with different perspectives."

#33, 01Apr95, Evening.
"I love you because you went to dinner with me last night, and because
 it was a very enjoyable evening.  Thanks."

#34, 02Apr95, Speaker.
"I love you because you are smart.  Your insights and descriptions of
 'Speaker for the Dead' should be written up and made available to
 others.  Those kind of insights, more than the novel, are the things
 that I strive to read and study about.  I don't think I am unique,
 based on the amount of scientific, business, and historical literature
 available.  I want to spend more time gaining from your insights."

#35, 03Apr95, Sunday.
"I love you because you have fixed a nice dinner every Sunday for
 weeks."

#36, 04Apr95, Human.
"I love you because you are human.  I spend too much time with
 predictable machines, and I need the spice and vinegar you bring to
 my life."

#37, 05Apr95, Wilcox.
"I love you because you invited me to the David Wilcox performance last
 night and because you moved so you could sit by me."

#38, 06Apr95, Kiss.
"I love you because you know how to kiss right.  Not that I have tried
 kissing anyone else (other than a peck) since 1969, and so I don't have
 a large basis of comparison.  But it is right for me."

#39, 07Apr95, Telephone.
"I love you because you can sound so nice and caring on the telephone.
 Thanks for calling me back."

#40, 08Apr95, Tapestry.
"I love you because together we have woven a tapestry of friends and
 experiences that will last for eternity.  Being invited to dinner by 
 David and Karen Kessler's tonight is an example of loyal friends.
 Thanks for all you have done to strengthen these threads."

#41, 09Apr95, Mom.
"I love you because you are a good Mom.  This is shown by your
 willingness to take Sara to and from gym each evening, and going to
 Austin this weekend (with Joy) to see Roice receive his award.  Thanks."  

#42, 10Apr95, Think.
"I love you because you think things through.  I do not always agree
 with your conclusions, specifically related to your latest big
 decision, but I appreciate that you have spent a lot of time thinking
 through the consequences of your choice.  I still hold a glimmer of a
 hope that the decision is reversible, and I will attempt to give you
 good reason to change your mind.  Because you do think things through,
 for the next few 'engines of my love' I am going to add a new section:
 'quotes' from other, much more articulate individuals than myself, for
 you to include in your thinking."

 Quote #1: 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to
 them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and 
 persecute you.' Matthew 5:39

#43, 11Apr95, Context.
"I love you because you said 'I love you' to me this morning.  I know
 the context and I wish I was not such a romantic, but it does give me
 reason for hope."

#44, 12Apr95, Grief.
"I love you because you talked to me last night.  I felt concern for me,
 which I haven't felt for a long time, and I appreciate the expressions
 that I interpreted as concern.  It was a very hard day for me, but
 that all melted when three independent things happened that I
 interpret as a direct answer to fasting and prayer."

#45, 13Apr95, Letting-Go.
"I love you because you pointed out my need to let go as I
 left this morning.  Your words I carry in my wallet and
 cherish are 'Romance is when two independent people,
 knowing that they can live very well without each other,
 choose not to do so because life is more fun and
 interesting together.'

 I know I can live 'very well' without you.  I have proved
 this to myself in China, Saudi Arabia, on camping trips,
 and in our bedroom.  It is more fun and interesting and
 fulfilling together.  I believe you have found or are
 finding you can live without me.  However, as I have
 tried to say in numerous ways, I do not believe that this
 self-evaluation is justification for divorce or for the
 expense, pain, and other impacts a physical separation
 would have on our children and on each of us.  I promise
 you, there can be a time and place for checking out the
 value of a physical separation, but I firmly do not
 believe it is while there are children at home.

 NPR had a description of a new play called Steigler loves 
 O'Keefe (spelling?) this morning.  It is in Baltimore and 
 then goes to Connecticut and possibly on a national tour
 next year.  They talked about true love as being like
 'stars in equilibrium' and that these two artists 'found
 that balance.'  My understanding is that they were
 estranged, partly because he was so much older than her. 
 But I believe another comment, 'that one partner should 'not
 dominate the other,'' is right on track.  I'm sorry I have
 dominated too many times in our marriage!  Just as you
 have expressed sorrow for dominating in regards to the
 children.  It might be we both need to learn to let go."

#46, 14Apr95, Equal.
"I love you because you talked to me last night, opening up
 more about how you feel, taking what I feel are the right
 steps towards becoming an equal partner, and then, to top
 it off, rubbing my feet."

#47, 15Apr95, Menil.
"I love you because you took me to The Menil Collection with
 you this afternoon.  It was wonderful to hear your excitement
 about the painting of the painting and relating it to the
 human condition.  Then to top this off watching you buy
 me a glass of pink lemonade.  Let's do it again soon."

#48, 16Apr95, Daniels.
"I love you because you went to dinner with me and with the
 Daniels, and because you opened up your heart, a little bit."

#49, 17Apr95, Movie.
"I love you because you were excited about going to the movie
 with me Saturday night."

#50, 18Apr95, Talking.
"I love you because you have been talking to me.  I got a 
 wonderful response to my e-mail from David this morning. 
 He says: '. . . she considers you hopelessly out of range
 and programmed (sic) by a system which defines her for you
 instead of you seeing her directly as she is.  . . .  The
 only thing that will provide her with a strong enough shock
 for her to believe in your capacity to see and accept her 
 AS SHE IS is for you to turn to her INSTEAD of to fasting, 
 or to ritual or to religious guidance.  . . .'  I look
 forward to sharing his letter with you this evening and
 to talking about what I wrote and what he responded with."

#52, 20Apr95, Humor.
"I love you because I reached 50 ways of telling why I love you
 and I have yet to hear I am just repeating things.  I have
 set a goal to reach 15,000 (a little over 40 years out).
 Hopefully it will never become too repetitious.  To add some
 variety, I looked up Comedy Clubs in the yellow pages.  Would
 you be interested in going out with me Saturday night:
    LAFF SPOT WILLOWBROOK, Houston's Premier Comedy Club:  955-9200
    Willowbrook Court Shopping Center, 17776 Tomball Pkwy."

#53, 21Apr95, Honest.
"I love you because we had such an enjoyable evening visiting your
 school and going to Paul's UIL competition and then going to dinner
 with Paul.  There have been many, many good times in our marriage."

#54, 22Apr95, Yardwork.
"I love you because you spent time working on 'my job,' i.e.
 the yard, yesterday, and I expect that we will be working
 on the yard together today.  Hopefully, I can also learn to
 do more of my fair share of 'your job.'"

#55, 23Apr95, Spark.
"I love you because you love me.  I know this is presumptuous,
 based on conversations and everything we have said to each
 other over the last months and years.  But I don't believe you
 would still be reading these notes if there wasn't still a 
 spark of hope in your heart or mind or soul or body."

#56, 24Apr95, Charity.
"I love you because we spent enjoyable time together on Saturday.
 Specifically: working in the yard together, and your candid
 answers to my question; and going to the movie about 'While You
 Were Asleep' and your smiles and laughter during the movie. I
 truly and deeply enjoy seeing you happy."

#57, 25Apr95, Hug.
"I love you because you gave me a hug and seemed to care about
 how I was feeling this morning."

#58, 26Apr95, Presentation.
"I love you because you went to the grocery store at 4:30 AM
 this morning.  I love you because you wished me well on my
 presentation at BHP this morning, even if you don't know
 what it is about or why the presentation is important."

#59, 27Apr95, Wonderful.
"I love you whether you do laundry or not, whether you cook
 meals or not, and whether you meet any of my needs or not.
 I love you because you are a wonderful person.  I'm sorry I 
 have not said this enough, because it is how I feel inside."

#60, 28Apr95, Cook.
"I love you because you helped Sara cook a wonderful dinner
 last night.  I think it is critical our daughters learn to
 enjoy service through domestic efforts, as well as through
 those things society and we seem to emphasize; i.e.
 scholastic, social, religious, and professional efforts."

#61, 29Apr95, Recognition.
"I love you because you sincerely thanked me for picking up Sara
 from gym.  I, like everyone, need recognition for my efforts, or
 I might loose hope, possibly just before the sun comes out. 
 Thanks for the recognition.  Help me know what is useful and what
 is of no value to you."

#62, 30Apr95, Invitation.
"I love you because you invited me to go out with you tonight
 to hear the gospel singers at Miller Outdoor Theater, and
 then you followed it up with 'well, we'll do something'."

#63, 01May95, Sobbing.
"I love you because you thanked me for fixing dinner, gave me
 a genuinely real hug, and as I sobbed about my failures said
 'Everything's going to be OK'."

#64, 02May95, Conversation.
"I love you because we talked on the phone last night as if
 we are best friends.  It was wonderful.  Thank you. 

 I feel like I destroyed the good feelings with my correction
 of Rob when I got home, and with my reaction to Sara this
 morning.  I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me and help
 me find a better way to set and keep boundaries."

#65, 03May95, Unfounded.
"I love you because you told me my fears for Ben are unfounded,
 keeping in check my phobias.  Thank you.  I'm sorry I fear
 the worst.  I need you because you help me see the light,
 both truth and humor."

#66, 04May95, Welcome.
"I love you because of the way you said "Your Welcome" to me
 last night after I said "Thank You."  I know it is a little
 thing, but it meant a lot to me.  Thank You!

#67, 05May95, Dress.
"I love you because you are helping Sara get her dress ready for
 the eight grade dance.  I know it was frustrating at times, but
 to me it was wonderful watching the two of you working together."

#68, 06May95, Blood.
"I love you because you asked me to go with you to give blood
 for Melissa, Paul's band teacher.  Then, after discussing my
 schedule, you found a way so that we could go together on
 Saturday.  Thank you."

#69, 07May95, Prayer.
"I love you because you have been the catalyst for what to
 me has been the dramatic answer to a heart felt prayer.  
 This is our last Sunday called to be in Columbus.  My prayer
 has been answered.  Not as I expected, but they seldom are. 
 Not with any guarantees, but life gives no guarantees.  Not
 accompanied by an angel or by a flash of light, but
 significant answers only come by means of the still small
 voice.  Not in a earth shaking way that changes the world,
 but with a more sure word of knowledge that great things
 proceed out of that which is small.  I do love you!"

#70, 08May95, Butterflies.
"I love you because we spent time together in the heat of 
 Saturday, working in the yard, going to the butterfly collection,
 IMAX, museum and the KIKK concert with Rob and Adam, and just
 being together.  It was a wonderful day, and I believe you feel
 the same as I do about it."

#71, 09May95, Pity.
"I love you because you showed me pity last night.  As you
 know, I feel overwhelmed by all of the 'stuff' that has
 been happening to my nice ordered world the last few months.
 Thank you for your concern and thank you for your advice.
 I need a helpmate, and I love you because you, my helpmeet
 and princess, have given me strength at critical times to
 open new doors and face the dragons in life and in my soul."

#72, 10May95, Calm.
"I love you because of the calming influence you had in our
 family last night.  I am very sorry for the example I set,
 and want to say again I am trying my best to do a better job. 
 There is nothing I want more than to join with you in
 becoming a 'King and a Queen' to serve and be with our
 children and Heavenly Father forever.  Thank you for helping
 me to better see the example I have and do set.  Please don't
 give up on me.  Continue to help calm my fears and reactions."

#73, 11May95, Explanation.
"I love you because you had reasonable explanations, when I
 called you just now, for what I had once again interpreted
 as rejection.  I knew you knew what was going on in my mind
 and you didn't seem to care.  I need to hear your reasoning
 because I can not read your mind.  Thanks for answering the
 phone and talking to me."

#74, 12May95, Harp.
"I love you because you were practicing the harp last night,
 and it is wonderful to listen to.  I love you because you
 picked up Ben and have made him feel so welcome in our home.
 I love you because you came in and expressed sympathy for
 me, as I struggle with some of my fears, both those I can
 see (How I have screwed up my kids lives!) but don't understand,
 and those I can't see (Dad's cancer) and do understand (I want
 a father's blessing, but he hasn't and can't seem to give it)."

#75, 13May95, Concert.
"Saturday's concert summarizes the basis of my love for you: you
 worked hard practicing for the performances, even though you have
 a broken finger; you went early and practiced with Gladysue, on
 your solo, and then with Karen and Carolee; you were gracious in
 allowing the ego's to use your harp and in carrying the cloak of
 scorn and pridefullness that they pushed on you for the extra mile;
 you worked with your friend Karen to give her an opportunity for
 her talents to shine; you performed three numbers magnificently,
 despite all of the pressure I found out later you were feeling;
 the numbers showed a tremendous depth of talent (accompanying a
 ballerina's dance, a harp solo, and then beautifully singing a
 classic); you talked to friends and fans afterwards with poise and
 feeling, from the middle-east art dealer, to Sister Little, to
 Corwin and Andrea; you were excited to see your two oldest boys at
 the concert; you held your fears and anger inside until we were in
 the car and then you confided in me; you handled my discussion of
 my fears with grace and dignity; you truly enjoyed being with
 Roice and Ben at the restaurant and with building up Sister Cahoon
 and planning things you can do together; and you tempered my
 reaction to Rob with good common sense.  As I read over my words, 
 I realize that much of what I have written is accomplishment based,
 and want to stress that all of these things are small, in regards
 to my love for you, when compared to your beautiful eyes, the way
 you take care of yourself so you always look so beautiful to me,
 the shine of your countenance when you have done something good,
 the joy and happiness you bring to those around you, your smile,
 your laugh, your depth of friendship, your commitment to doing
 those things that are important to you as perfectly as possible,
 and your just being you."

#76, 14May95, Mother's Day.
"I love you because you seemed to have a good Mother's Day,
 in spite of all of the things going on, specifically between
 me and Rob, and me and Melanie.  I love you because you sat
 by me in Sunday School, because you took a nap, because you
 went to choir with me, because you fixed a nice dinner, 
 because you took care of the papers, because you got Rob
 feeling better about himself, because you held the line
 with Melanie, and because you kissed me good-night."

#77, 15May95, Balance.
"I love you because you are still my wife, despite my being
 such a difficult person to live with.  I am trying to provide
 more balance.  Please recognize me if I do anything to balance
 out that which makes me so difficult."

#78, 16May95, Catalyst.
"I love you because you are the catalyst for mighty prayer
 and for dramatic answers to prayer.  I have a hard time
 putting my deepest feelings in words [take for instance
 how long it takes me to compose one of these love notes,
 verses how long it takes you to read the same], but I have
 a picture in my mind.  I believe God interacts with us in
 a manner similar to how two magnets interact.  The force
 fields around the magnets can affect other magnets that
 are in the same area.  It was not an accident that after
 leaving the driveway I decided I needed to go back and get
 the three books on Activity Modeling and that I walked in
 just as you were reading your mail from 'Rick.'  The topic
 of the Gospel Doctrine class, our first Sunday back at
 Nottingham, was not an accident.  Nor was the Priesthood
 lesson (#16, you should just read the title).  Nor was the
 day I consciously decided (feel I was prompted) to break a
 confidence and read your e-mail, based on what happened as
 a result of that indiscretion ('It is better . . . [to have
 an indiscretion] than that a[n] . . . [entire family]
 should dwindle and perish in unbelief').  I'm sure you
 don't agree on all of this.  However, to me, based on my
 scientific training, the 'coincidences' are as likely to
 occur randomly as 'an unabridged dictionary is likely to
 come from an explosion in a printing shop.'"

#79, 17May95, Self-Love.
"I love you as much as I love myself.  I have changed, as a
 result of my love.  I fear it is too little and too late.
 I hope you will look for the change, particularly how I have
 recognized my the influence of my force of will, and have/am
 attempted/ing to stop forcing my will on you and the kids. 
 I graphically come to recognize that I have too much of
 'nature and disposition of almost all men' who 'have a little
 authority' (see the quote below).  As said to Ben I recognize
 that past sins still make it difficult to see or expect anything
 different from me.  But hopefully, over time, my actions will
 show I love you as much, or more than I love myself."

#80, 18May95, Useful.
"I love you because you came and asked my advice about your
 letter to the Katy schools, twice.  I need to feel useful.
 Thank You!"

#81, 19May95, Facts.
"I love you because you are my Dolsenia, by Beatrice, my dream.
 As I listened to the last few words of 'The Engines of Our
 Ingenuity' this morning, after getting you money at the bank,
 I found tears in my eyes.  He talked of scientific facts and
 of 'The Man of LaMancha' seeing the facts of his life and
 then going to his death bed; and specifically of his impact
 on one woman as she corrected him and said, 'I am Dolsenia.' 
 My mind raced over the 'facts' of the last few years.  I 
 particularly recall the words I have used to describe my
 distorted perception your choices (which, for good reason,
 you incorrectly took as my description of you).  Even though
 my words were probably stated out of my fears that you might
 become like my Mother is, I know in my mind you are a very
 different person than her and would never let yourself become
 as verbally and self abusive as she is.  I recognize you have
 been saying to me, 'I am not going to let you make me into
 what you fear I could be.'  

 In my heart you have always been my Dolsenia and my Beatrice. 
 I do not know why that fact makes you so uncomfortable.  In
 my dreams we equally share an eternal mansion with our
 children in the presence of Heavenly Father and the Savior. 
  I love you because you were and are this ideal, this model,
 this vision, etc.  Please forgive me for my weaknesses in not
 always treating you like the Man of LaMancha treated Dolsenia,
 and please recognize when I am successful in living my ideal."

#82, 20May95, Excitement.
"I love you because you got so excited during the Rockets 
 game with the Sun.  I thrive and find great joy in proxy
 living your innate ability to have no inhibitions."

#83, 21May95, Appreciation.
"I love you because you appreciated (and said you appreciated)
 my Sabbath efforts: washing the dishes, watching a movie with
 the kids, playing basketball with the boys, going to seminary
 graduation, and giving you time and space."

#84, 22May95, Body.
"I love you because you know you are more than your body (and
 so do I).  It was wonderful to visit your class and to see
 you interact with Alma (?) [the mouth], to see how the kids
 came in and knew what to do (even though you felt a little
 bit self-conscious about their 'party-day' rambunctiousness),
 and to see the warmth between you and the other teachers."

#85, 23May95, Headache.
"I love you because you recognize and shared that you have
 caught the depression bug again; and yet you keep up the
 struggle - fulfilling those things you feel are important
 and that you have committed to do; i.e. at school, throwing
 papers, waiting up for kids, correcting my sentence
 structures, and not giving up when facing the overwhelming."

#86, 24May95, Want.
"I love you because of those times when we have similar 'wants'
 and I feel like we, together and yet by ourselves, can build
 a space ship to fly to and then past the stars."

#87, 25May95, Easy.
"I love you because we had a wonderful evening together:
 talking, going out to dinner, reviewing my projects, watching
 our kids and their friends, and just spending time together."

#88, 26May95, Depressed.
"I love you because of the new way you have found to stop
 feeling depressed.  It seems to work, and could possibly be 
 a long-term solution to something you have been fighting
 with for a long time."

#89, 27May95, Missed.
"I love you because you missed getting any e-mail from me on
 Saturday morning when I went to Taylor High School to help
 clean up after Project Graduation at Taylor High School
 rather than going into the office."

#90, 29May95, Nirvana.
"I love you because we have had such a wonderful weekend 
 together: time alone, working on changing things around 
 the house, a fun movie, time with kids, nirvana."

#91, 30May95, Know.
"I love you because you know I love you."

#92, 31May95, Theft.
"I love you because of how you handled Melanie's trip to Mervyns."

#93, 01Jun95, Concern.
"I love you because you expressed concern about my tripping
 on the books on the way to turn off the alarm clock this
 morning, and you said the words twice."

#94, 02Jun95, NASA.
"I love you because we went to NASA together and had a good
 time, both there and on the way back."

#95, 03Jun95, Bridges.
"I love you because we went to 'The Bridges of Madison County'
 together last night, and then we talked about our feelings
 and how the movie relates to and relates to our lives."

#96, 04Jun95, Beer.
"I love you because you let me cuddle after the incident with
 the beer.  I love you because you have a very good mind and
 can help me see things I can not see.  Like the quotes below,
 I see the importance of action and of inaction in follow-up.
 I will be slow to respond, and hope you will give me your 
 comments and help me see what is appropriate and what is not."

#97, 05Jun95, Do It!
"I love you because you explained to me the importance to you
 of 'what we do,' versus our physical shell (my perception of
 the beauty of your eyes leading to the discussion), in
 defining who we are as individuals.  

 I can not help but wonder if you really believe what you said,
 based on your choice of clothing and your striking physical
 appearance each time you walk through the laundry room to go
 outside of our home.  But then you tell me I am prejudiced,
 even (especially) when we are at home alone together. 

 I think it is not only our 'physical shell' and 'what we do,'
 but also includes 'what we discern' or see.  A specific example
 is what my Dad sees when he drives down to turn on the well.
 He sees beautiful green fields of alfalfa.  He does not see
 the run-down buildings, worn out and rusty equipment, and
 overgrown trees and weeds.  He doesn't see the piles of 
 garbage in the kitchen, but my Mother and my Grandmother
 can see nothing else.  There has to be a balance somewhere.

 It seems a key for us is to come to a mutual understanding
 of an 'information model' we can both agree on.  This would
 mean that when I complain about something (if that is
 allowed in our information model of our world) you would
 immediately agree that it is justified because we had defined
 what is acceptable in advance.  Equally, when I do something
 wrong, and you point it out, I would immediately agree that
 your comments are justified and would stop or change course.

 So what do we do?"  'Do it!' from President Spencer W. Kimball. 

#98, 06Jun95, GRE.
"I love you because you took and passed the Graduate Records
 Exam with flying colors.  It's not the specific test, but
 rather your ongoing desire to improve yourself and your mind."

#99, 07Jun95, Morning.
"I loved you last night as we watched the TV shows about music
 and miracles, I loved you this morning as you kissed me goodbye,
 I love you now as I write this note, and I will love you tonight,
 whether you choose to go visit Roice in Austin or whether we
 watch the Rockets game together."

#100, 08Jun95, Rockets.
"I loved watching your enthusiasm and excitement watching the
 Rockets vs the Magic.  I love you because you can get so
 excited and into these NBA Playoff basketball games.  I look
 forward to when this same fire relights in our marriage and
 we have a similar 'red glare'* of excitement giving 'proof
 through the night'* that our marriage is out of danger and
 back on track, flying on its charted eternal course.  With
 100 documented days of course correction behind us, we seem
 to have made it past an unexpected but significant hazard."

  *Francis Scott Key, The Star-Spangled Banner 
   [September 14, 1814], st. 1 

#101, 09Jun95, Broke.
"I love you because you 'broke' me of enough of my pride that
 I don't care about ironing, laundry, dishes, dinner or any of
 that stuff enough to let it interfere with you wanting to stay
 the Mom and stay with me."

#102, 28Mar95, Flexibility.
"I love you because you don't care if I am not perfect in this
 effort.  However, it is my intention to be as perfect as I
 possibly can, although Scout Camp and Dad's operation will
 require some flexibility."

#103, 10Jun95, Horny Toad.
"I love you because you taught me that Horny Toads are not
 only found in the deserts of the South-Western U.S.A."

#104, 11Jun95, Birthday.
"I love you and I love our children.  I went to scout camp
 the day before your birthday because I love you all.  It
 was good for me to, but my primary reason was to help Rob.
 I love you because you like me to make these types of effort."

#105, 12Jun95, Separation.
"I love you and I missed you while I was at camp.  I was afraid,
 and feel that it has been shown true, that separation would
 dampen what good has reentered our relationship.  I know you
 were busy.  I know your mind is in other places.  I know in
 my mind that you don't multiprocess and that I need to let you
 explore those places by yourself and at your own pace.  I am
 sorry my separation anxiety and fears cause me to hover."

#106, 13Jun95, Cardinal.
"I love you because you like to watch birds and listen to them
 and in an effort to be close to you while away at camp I spent
 hours listening to and learning to talk to the red cardinals."

#107, 14Jun95, Mate.
"I love you because you have no jealousy in regards to me or
 my watching other 'birds.'  After learning to talk to the
 red Cardinals, I had a female Cardinal come and spend some
 time in camp talking to me.  As I talked to her, and when
 her mate came to find out what was going on, I had this
 picture flash through my mind: I was sitting in the back
 yard working in the weeds and a Cardinal flew into the yard.
 You walked out to find me talking to the Cardinal, and all
 of a sudden your life changed.  You fell in love with me
 again, and the reason was because you realized there is not
 anyone else you could ever find that can talk to birds like
 that and because you love to listen to birds."

#108, 15Jun95, Team.
"I love you because you are going to school, and working so
 hard to update your professional skills.  I spent much of
 the time Rob was in Merit Badge Classes reading material
 about the Agile Virtual Enterprise (AVE) and preparing the
 presentation for Conoco Information Managers titled: 
 'Building and Maintaining Virtual Teams.'  One of the key
 concepts I kept coming back to was that there has to be
 core infrastructure from which to generate the Virtual
 Team.  That infrastructure for our children and for our
 grandchildren, babe, is me and you.  I love you because
 you are the key link in the Nelson Virtual Team."

#109, 16Jun95, Romance.
"I love you because you wrote the beautiful words that I put
 the melody to at camp and called Romance.  I am scared to
 death of your trip to Boston.  I am convinced you will
 write in your will you want to 'have your body cremated
 and the ashes scattered across the Boston Back Bay' or
 something similar.  Basically I am afraid that the two
 nights and a day will be the only moment of romance you
 live for, accept, remember, and relive.  It is like I feel
 about your on-line marriage.  You made your marriage over,
 the way you dreamed it could be, with humor and wit and all 
 of those other romantic traits I have not been able to
 provide to you in the way you dream about.  Then you lived
 it and it became more real than life and a way to escape 
 from the pain at home.  But the real pain is that which
 David endures.  Since you only send me e-mail when I say
 things in these letters that upset you, and since I will not
 be back at the office to receive a response to this, I hope
 you will talk to me about it, read the Gospel Doctrine 
 homework on Nathan's words to David with me, and realize that
 I am doing everything I know how to to provide you with the
 romance you need and deserve."

#110, 17Jun95, Beard.
"I love you because you got so excited about the enthusiasm
 of 'guy with the cute beard' at NASA.  Based on that and
 several other comments, I attempted to grow a beard for you
 at scout camp.  Your reaction to seeing your fantasy come
 to life was interesting.  I do not understand whether the
 separation just cooled off the feelings you seemed to be
 expressing prior to camp or if your mind just re-entered
 some fantasy world that I must be excluded from and you
 didn't want to face me and the reality I represent or what.
 It has been very hard for me since returning from camp.  It
 has been very hard because I feel rejected and resented.
 I recognize it is fact that when you threw Rick's book away 
 in response to my reaction that I lost a lot.  I fear you
 will resent being 'forced' to do that for years, and that
 I am driving you back to your fantasy world and probably 
 into fulfilling my worst fears.  I recognize in my mind
 that I must let go.  I hope you understand how hard it is
 for me to sit back and watch the dam break and flood our
 lives with problems.  I love you and I am trying my best.
 Like growing an acceptable beard, I am truly sorry that
 my limitations are such a big part of our problems."

#111, 18Jun95, Female.
"I love you because you continue to be the catalyst for seeing,
 what to me, are significant prayers answered.  I typically have
 not gone for a run on a Sunday morning.  I went this Sunday 
 out of frustration, anger, hurt, and fear of further rejection.
 I stopped and prayed.  As you know a female Cardinal followed
 me home and sang to you and fulfilled, to the very 'T,' my
 dream of a few days earlier.  I know it is not a sign, but
 to me it was a direct message that I am loved, despite my
 weaknesses, and not to give up hope.  It may not be a sign,
 but neither was it coincidence or an accident.  There is
 sunlight and a song of joy behind every cloud."

#112, 19Jun95, Disclosure.
"I love you because you disclosed some of your most intimate
 thoughts to me on Sunday evening.  I loved the drawing and
 the words about your youth and your knowledge of God.  My
 heart was torn apart by the description of you and Chuck.
 I think it is absolutely wonderful that you felt safe enough
 with me to share your writing.  Thank You!  I hope I can
 earn your trust so you can feel safe enough to share more."

#113, 20Jun95, Delinquency.
"I love you because you handled yourself with class and poise
 during the latest breaking of the house rules by Melanie and
 her 'friends.'"

#114, 21Jun95, Garbage.
"I love you because you asked me 'What are you so furious about?'
 and when I showed you the beer cans and the cigarette butts
 from the street in front of our house you said 'I understand`
 and kissed me goodbye.  Thank you for understanding!"

#115, 22Jun95, Operations.
"I love you because you care about my Dad.  Having a major
 operation is no fun.  I hope you and I never have to have
 one like Dad just had.  He looked absolutely terrible after
 the operation.  It was a real special experience to give him
 a blessing while he was in the Intensive Care Unit.  As I
 believe I told you on the phone, I asked for an Elder to
 come and help me.  He introduced himself as Paul McFarlane. 
 I asked him if he knew Dr. Alan McFarlane.  That is his Dad.  
 It is not all coincidence.  Like when the bird answered my
 call Sunday morning and followed me home, there are too many
 things that confirm my knowledge of self and the relationship
 to existence.  I know that I am loved and being watched out
 for.  I know you love Dad and want the best for him.  I wish
 you would learn that I feel the same way about you, and that
 the same beings that love me, God and His Son, love you."

#116, 23Jun95, Cancer.
"I love you because you are worried about Dad.  It was very 
 touching to hear you relate Kathy's Mom's trials to Dad's.
 I know you know why I want it to be considered as a viable
 alternative to move to Utah.  To reiterate my points:
   1.  I will not force you to move.  Kids yes, but you have
       to want to, even if we both agree it is only a one
       school year trial.  If 1. is true, then continue.
   2.  We would rent or buy a temporary house, ideally in the
       same ward as we intend to build in someday, if possible.
   3.  We would lease 1307 Emerald Green, with the idea that
       part of the lease would be fixing up all that needs to
       be fixed up so that the house can be sold, or would be
       in better shape for when we move back.
   4.  If we do not move, I will be making a lot of trips to
       Cedar City, and I will bring kids as often as possible.
As the Doctor said, 'The best thing is to get him home with
family and friends and give him an opportunity to enjoy what
he has worked so hard for, for the time he has left.'"

#117, 24Jun95, Hastings High School.
"I love you because you got a job at Hastings High School.
 I told you you have nothing to worry about.  Where is your
 self-confidence?  I'm equally sure you could get a job
 in Cedar City, Parowan, at SUU, etc. that you would equally
 enjoy and be challenged with."

#118, 25Jun95, Phone.
"I love you because you have consistently, over the last six
 months, shown me that I am paranoid.  I called a dozen times
 last night to the fax phone, which only rang twice before it
 would squeal at me.  I tried from 10:00 until 11:30 to get
 through on the home and Walden phone numbers, and they were
 always busy.  I was convinced I had said something wrong in
 my e-mails, and that you disconnected the phones so you 
 would not have to talk to me.  I am sorry that I think like
 this.  I feel I am getting better at not assuming the worst,
 but it is going to be an on-going struggle.  Please recognize
 this and my efforts and continue to help me see the truth."

#119, 26Jun95, Chastity.
"I love you because you have specifically stated over and
 over your keeping of the Law of Chastity.  I went to the
 temple this morning for the second time this week.  In
 'the engines of my love #118' I talked about how you have
 been helping me with my paranoia.  I decided you can't
 read my mind and that I need to be specific.  A few 
 months ago we had a conversation about O.J. Simpson, and
 you emphatically said 'he is guilty!'  Between your
 on-line marriage, the things you were saying to me about
 divorce, your increasingly outspoken statements about the
 temple (which I interpreted as an unwillingness to commit
 to the Law of Chastity), your planned trip to Boston, the
 books you choose to read, etc. my thoughts said 'and so
 are you my dear.'

 I love you because you have stuck with me, despite my
 paranoia and jealousy.  I just hope there is enough time
 for me to be able to get over these emotional and mental
 barriers and to meet you at place we both want to be; and
 then to be able to truly enjoy ourselves, our children,
 our accomplishments, our choices, and each other.  Thank
 you for your help and please keep helping me."

#120, 27Jun95, Danger.
"I love you because you keep my actions in check, even if it is
 just because I don't want to upset you.  When I fear that
 there will be a problem, my tendency is to rush in and `fix it.' 
 As you know I am very concerned about your trip to Boston, and
 therefore decided, as a continuation of the last couple of
 'the engines of my love,' to see if I can bring to closure my
 fears.  The word danger summarizes what has not already been
 discussed under the topic Chastity. 

 There is the physical danger that accompanies meeting with
 someone you have never met, someone who knows how unhappy you
 are, someone who you really know nothing about (family,
 background, etc.), and someone who might just take you away
 with him (kidnapping or forcing you and leaving no forwarding
 address).  I assume you have no fear of this, but I do. 

 The second is a fear tied to disease, specifically AIDS.  At
 scout camp, some leaders were sitting around and the director
 for social services for Harris County started talking about his
 biggest challenges.  He talked about the disaster AIDS has been
 to the homosexual community, and compared it to 40% of our
 congregation being killed.  Then he said they really don't know
 how it is transmitted.  They know it doesn't live outside the
 body long, and there is little chance for mosquitoes to transmit
 it.  They know it is transmitted by sex, but there have been no
 studies to show if it can be transmitted just by kissing.  He
 is so frustrated with the politics in the whole thing he has
 focused his personal efforts on teenage pregnancy, where he 
 knows what a difference he can make.

 I hope that sharing my fears shows you how much I love you, and
 that you don't just see it as paranoia.  I am trying to share
 my fears with kindness, because I do love you."

#121, 28Jun95, Future.
"I love you because you are facing the future with me.  I'm
 sorry I put you on the spot last night.  Dad seems to me to
 be handling the news extremely well.  I wonder how I would
 (will) react to similar news.  I hope I can have part of
 the strength my Dad is exhibiting.  Thanks for being so
 concerned and caring when we talk on the phone."

#122, 29Jun95, Discouragement.
"I love you because you have given me hope when I have been
 discouraged.  This morning I went on a long run (7-10 miles)
 and when I got to Dad's room at about 8:00 AM and asked him
 how he was he had tears and said 'I am really discouraged.'
 He then said, 'I feel like I have failed at everything I 
 have tried to do.'  I responded by telling him that, even
 though you and I are having some problems, both Sara and I
 are relatively strong contributors to our communities and 
 families and that is what is most important.  I then repeated
 what he had said to someone yesterday about providing meat
 to all of southwest Utah during World War II, the Korean
 War and the Vietnam War and reminded him that those effort
 fed the likes of Governor Leavitt who we had watched on
 television together last night.  It is kind of like keeping
 going on a run, one foot in front of the other.  I love you
 because of the times you have, with much more eloquence than 
 my words to Dad, said those words that give me hope and help
 me continue on."

#123, 30Jun95, Thinking About Me.
"I love you because you have been thinking about me.  As you
 know I am striving for mindshare, which is the only way that
 I believe love can be rekindled.  Thank you for thinking
 about me.  I hope they are good thoughts."

#124, 01Jul95, Family Reunion.
"I love you because you are coming to the Nelson Family Reunion
 and bringing most of our kids with you.  I guess back in 1973,
 I wasn't a very good prophet, because I was sure Dad would be
 around to enjoy our Grand-Kids with us.  Well, hopefully you
 and I will be able to enjoy our Great-Grand-Kids, and that
 will fulfill the words of the song."
           `I once say a family around an old fireplace,
            Talking of things that they had done.
            Children and parents, Great-Grand-Dad's there too,
            Recalling stories told before. . . .
            Cousins running through the grass short and tall,
            Playing games young people play.
            Uncles and Aunts talk of when they were young,
            And the things they did to have fun. . . .  
            Evening goes and the fire burns down low,
            With coals that look like children asleep.
            They all gathered round, in a circle on their knees.
            Expressing thanks for days like these.'  
               H. Roice Nelson, Jr. [1973].

#125, 02Jul95, Sunsets.
"I love you because I can imagine sharing Southern Utah
 sunsets with you on a balcony of a house we jointly design.
 I took Rob with me to look at our lot Sunday evening, after
 Stake Priesthood meeting.  The house next door is up enough
 so that you can look out of a second story window.  The view
 is just perfect to see the mountains out towards Enterprise
 where the sun goes down, and it was absolutely beautiful."

#126, 03Jul95, Seismic Interpretation.
"I love you because you are willing to consider alternatives
 that are very hard for you personally.  I have contacted the
 Chief Geophysicist at Unocal about doing 3-D seismic
 interpretation for them remotely from Cedar City, Utah at
 $15,000 per 12 working day month (where I provide the
 workstation).  He is interested and has asked me to call back
 on Monday, 03 July 1995.  They have a project that could be
 ready to start in two weeks, and another one that would start
 in October.  However, I am 2X as expensive as they now pay,
 plus they would have to pay for the machine.  Look forward
 to your thoughts on this opportunity before I call him back."

#127, 04Jul95, Much Ado About Nothing.
"I love you because you continue to affirm that my concerns
 about Rick are "Much Ado About Nothing."  Thank you for
 taking up Sara's suggestion to take a 'chaperone' with you
 to Boston."

#128, 05Jul95, Blame Game.
"I love you because you stopped me from playing the blaming
 game on Mom and Dad's front porch.  I'm sorry I do not know
 how to better handle the hurt and pain that fills my soul."

#129, 06Jul95, Plan.
"I love you because you have not planned dinner for the kids
 tonight or how the visit in Boston will go.  Please recognize
 that through all of my pain I am very worried for you, our 
 kids, and me, and please believe that I love you."

#130, 07Jul95, Home.
"I love you because we came home together last night.  As we
 held each other, my fears melted.  I choose to believe in 
 you and to be happy (quoting from the tape we listened to
 yesterday) and pray you will help me to always remember."

#131, 08Jul95, Mousetrap.
"I love you because I know in my heart that someday you will
 find (or figure out), as we discussed after the movie `First Sword' 
 and more specifically in the play `Mousetrap,' that there is no
 one better for you than me in the entire world."

#132, 09Jul95, Happy.
"I love you because I choose to love you.  I am happy!"

#133, 10Jul95, Heritage.
"I love you because of your heritage.  There are very few, if
 any, persons in the Nottingham Country Ward, the Katy Texas
 Stake, or even in the church as a whole whose Grandfather
 was converted as dramatically as yours was to the truthfulness
 of Book of Mormon, baptized with such a strong witness, and who
 dedicated the remainder of their life with such devotion to
 sharing that witness of the restoration with others.  We both
 have problems with the generation that followed him, but time
 and God, not us, will provide the ultimate judgment and
 correct our misunderstandings of what this generation faced and
 the choices they made.  If you look at the facts, only difference
 in my heritage is that I have to go back 5 generations to find
 what you find 2 generations ago."

#134, 11Jul95, Grandchildren.
"I love you because of our grandchildren.  I heard you when
 you said `I don't have any grandchildren.'  However, it is
 virtually an impossibility, given the number of children we
 have and their interests and activities, that we will not
 have any grandchildren.  I look forward to spending time 
 with you with those grandchildren; being an example, spoiling
 them, teaching them, helping them, supporting their parents,
 and in general doing a better job than I have done with our
 own children.  Hopefully this will be of great benefit to our
 great-grandchildren.  As I think of the following quotes from
 the Book of Mormon, I am convinced in my heart these will be
 the times of true joy and of fulfillment in both of our lives.
 Because you provided me this opportunity, that is in our future,
 I love you."

#135, 12Jul95, Integrity.
"I love you because through your view of me and my reactions
 to your choices I keep finding areas in my life that need
 to be improved upon.  When this latest realization (that my
 actions regarding finding out what in your America-On-Line 
 account you wanted to hide from me) was labeled as showing
 a lack of integrity, it hurt more than you can know. 

 However, I have no problem with hurt if I can learn
 something that can be done better the next time; improving
 your life, our kids lives, or even my life. 

 I now believe that I have to trust you and stop checking up
 on what you say (even though as a result of reading your
 mail you told me the next day you would stop hanging the `D'
 word over my head, and as a result of checking out whether
 you had a picture of Rick or not resulted in you inviting
 Sara to accompany you and Rick on your joint `rediscovery of
 Boston' and the `Swan Boats').  I hope and pray I will not
 fail in this new resolve, and seek your assistance in my
 efforts, in any way you feel you can help me hold to the rod."

#136, 13Jul95, Forehead.
"I love you because of how you looked at me when I kissed
 you on the forehead in September of 1970.  As I cried myself 
 to sleep again last night, after our phone call, I wondered
 how long I can continue giving and not receiving anything in
 return.  My mind returned to Ft. Collins and how you must 
 have felt after I left you.  What goes around comes around."

#137, 14Jul95, Gradepoint.
"I love you because you are also not satisfied with Ben's
 1.9 gradepoint average."

#138, 15Jul95, Tangle.
"I love you because you are helping me realize my nothingness
 before God.  Last night I was helping Rob get ready for a
 beach campout and I tightened the drag up too tight on the
 fishing reel he had selected.  As I turned it the line 
 snapped inside.  I spent an hour this morning untangling the
 line (symbolic of our marriage) only to find when I put the
 reel back together something is wrong and it won't cast. 
 The whole experience reminded me of today's quote."

#139, 16Jul95, Voice.
"I love you because of your voice.  Not just your singing voice,
 but to hear you on the phone last night, after several days of
 the phone not being answered, filled my soul with hope and joy."

#140, 17Jul95, House.
"I love you because you told me one of the ways I have offended
 you in a way I finally heard you.  I am sorry I have too
 consistently overreacted.  I heard you say yesterday that you 
 don't understand why I reacted to your wanting to buy a new
 house.  If you ever want to listen to me explain again, I would
 be glad to.  However, the key now is I don't care anymore.  In 
 fact, I see advantages in selling the house and getting away 
 from taking care of the pool, etc.  With Dad's anticipated
 death, one of my major reasons to move to Cedar is gone, namely
 to get to know and to help Dad.  We might as well be in Houston."

#141, 18Jul95, Melancholy.
"I love you because you asked me to talk to someone.  At the 
 close of Priesthood, Brother Grua asked about Dad and asked
 enough questions I was in tears.  He said, `If you want to
 talk, please call me.'  Then there was our phone call.  That
 evening Brother Daniels brought over a lesson he wants me to
 teach the Sunday you are in Boston.  He called back and said,
 `Roice, you seemed very melancholy.  Are you OK?  Do you want
 to talk?'  I can't talk because I can't tell anyone about the
 phone calls to Connecticut on December 14th and December 23rd
 (from Colorado).  But thanks for asking me to talk to someone.
 I only want to talk to you."

#142, 19Jul95, Commitment.
"I love you because you got so angry at me on Sunday.  You
 couldn't get that angry unless you deeply cared, not just
 for Ben, but also for me.  Elizabeth pointed this out to me."

#143, 20Jul95, Rationalization.
"I love you because you have not rationalized to the point of
 infidelity.  Rationalization is the word I could not remember
 in our phone conversation Tuesday that fits between Resentment
 and Rendezvous.  This word also directly relates to your quote
 about `being a writer' and not having time to waste on someone
 who can't treat you with kindness and compassion.  Please know
 I can!  You have great potential as a writer, but to date you
 have chose to be a reader.  This choice has not been mine.  
 Even if it were to change, it does not justify the pain 
 guaranteed to accompany rationalization and broken commitments."

#144, 21Jul95, One.
"I love you because you keep me from feeling alone: like Adam
 in the Garden of Eden without Eve; like a knight in the forest
 with no one to watch his back; and like trying to get 5 kids 
 to camps, meetings, work at 4 separate jobs and still do what
 I need to get done with one car."

#145, 22Jul95, Portsmouth.
"I love you because you do your best to make sure all of
 your bases are covered.  Last night on the phone you told me
 you made two trips to Portsmouth, but only described one of
 them.  My paranoid track record says this was innocent, but
 my mind tells me it was a visit with Larry or something where
 you felt a need to `protect yourself.' It an `omission' 
 example of why I have such a hard time trusting you.  Imagine
 a world, our world, with no omissions and half-truths.  This
 world is the best way to not feel spied upon, and might be
 all that is required to hear me say to you I love you."

#146, 23Jul95, Positive.
"I love you because you can see past the negative reports that
 children give you.  For instance, Robert reported a slap, but
 did he report dinner at CiCi's, or some of the dozens of other
 things I have done with him since you have been gone?  Did he
 report the reason for the slap?  Sometimes I feel set up to
 lose, because only the negative is discussed.  I realize it is
 natural to immediately fit these reports into one's view of men,
 possibly from how you feels about your father to all of my
 mistakes over the years.  I love you and I hope you can see
 my positive efforts to show you and our kids by my actions."

#147, 24Jul95, Songs.
"I love you because you have inspired me to heights I never
 would have reached without you, as is shown by the enclosed
 tape of love songs that Sara is carrying to Boston for you.
 Please see past the fact I often sing out of tune and that
 neither my voice or the tape are as polished as comes
 naturally for you.  I have included a printout of the words
 for you to read after you have listened to it once, if my
 singing is too offensive.  I hope you will find an hour
 alone to listen to the tape straight through before we talk
 on Thursday evening.  I especially hope my efforts will bring
 you some joy and show you how much and how deeply I love you,
 despite my many mistakes on the tape and in life."

#148, 25Jul95, Improvement.
"I love you because you are improving yourself through the
 schooling you are finishing up, and because you want to be
 a teacher and make a mark in the lives of others."

#149, 26Jul95, Caravan.
"I love you because you are coming home to continue in your
 critical role in our family, even willing to expand that 
 role by taking on payments for the new Caravan which Paul
 and I bought last night.  I know you won't see this until
 after you see the car, and I hope that it is not just 
 another mistake in my string of mistakes.  I don't think so."

#150, 27Jul95, Taken for Granted.
"I love you because you have heard all of my songs before.
 The other side of the same coin is how much it hurts to
 be taken for granted and to hear words like `I've heard all
 of those songs before,' and `I didn't have time to listen
 to them.'  I hope you come to realize how much time and
 effort went into planning and recording the tape.  I feel
 like you take me for granted, expecting that I will always
 be there no matter how much you reject and purposefully or
 even unintentionally hurt me.  Be aware that it is not the
 case that I will always be here.  I'm not sure what I mean
 by the previous sentence, but I feel, as you know I have for
 years, that I will not `live to the age of a tree,' and I
 expect that you will have many years to contemplate `taking
 me for granted,' control, freedom, loneliness, rejection, etc."

#151, 28Jul95, Control.
"I love you because you are becoming more self-assured.  The
 other side of this coin is `control.'  Last night Ben came
 into the bedroom at 11:35 PM, as I was finishing Time Magazine
 and was already mostly asleep, and informed me that you are
 going to co-sign on a note for him to buy Roice's motorcycle,
 but that he `had to tell me first.'  We talked about it a
 little, then he asked `Are you mad?'  I asked if that was the
 objective of coming to talk to me so late at night.  His
 hesitation, more than his words `Well, aughhhh, not really,'
 said yes.  He had just got off the phone with Roice, who has
 also been using lot's of words describing my `misuse of
 control' in his letter and e-mail.  Their words are not as
 straight as your statement that `[I] should move to a desert
 island where [I] can control everything.'  I was talking to
 Elizabeth and Rhonda (who just came back from her father's
 funeral) this morning and asked them `Am I a control freak?'  
 Their answer was a resounding `No!'  During the conversation
 that followed they talked about how intimidating and intense
 someone `as well grounded' as me can be.  I got lost in all
 of their words, but I also do not believe that I am a
 `control freak.'  What's my point?

 I have realized for a long time how much mileage you have got
 out of `Rick.'  I heard what could become the `next'
 `blackmail' (to use Roice's word) or `control method' on the
 phone, week before last, when you said `I am just going to
 stop going to church.'  I encourage you, as you continue to
 become more self-assured, to look deeply at your own motives,
 specifically relative to your interactions with me.  Do you
 want me to beg, grovel, and prostate myself before you?  Have
 you have made any commitments to me that you intend to keep? 
 As said in my cover letter for the tape, I, as an independent
 person and knowing I can live very well without you, choose
 not to do so because life is more fun and interesting with
 you.  The last few months have been more interesting than fun,
 but I am committed to you, to our marriage, and to our kids. 
 What are you committed to?  What is love to you?  What do you,
 as an independent person, who knows you can live very well 
 without me, choose to do relative to our relationship?  What
 are the motives behind your choices?"

#152, 29Jul95, Concern for me.
"I love you because you called this morning concerned about
 how I was going to spend the day.  I'm sorry I made the 
 comment about your reaction to others singing.  I want to
 learn to share my fears, but I do not want to offend in
 doing so.  I am afraid of rejection of the songs, and I
 really did try hard to make it meaningful for you.  Thank
 you again for calling me and being concerned this morning."

#153, 30Jul95, Leave Me Alone.
"I love you, although I do not understand how virtually the
 first words you said to me on returning from Boston and New
 Hampshire were `leave me alone.'  Sometimes I think we have
 found key words and phrases that hurt the other person, either
 intentionally or unintentionally.  For instance, it might be
 that my saying I love you, when you seem to believe you are
 not lovable, creates more damage than if I didn't say anything.
 I understand how bad I have been at labeling, and I will do my
 very best to stop saying anything to you that is a label.  I
 will also attempt to not use this forum for saying anything but
 the positive about you and our relationship, for there is more
 than enough of that to write about.  I wrote down the title for
 this note over two weeks ago, and hope you will forgive me for
 starting my new resolve with something that hurt me.  Believe
 it or not I do love you."

#154, 31Jul95, Glad to be Home.
"I love you because you are `glad to be home'.  I am glad you
 are home too!"

#155, 01Aug95, Car Wreck.
"I love you because you handled Melanie's car wreck so well.
 I'm sure I would not have done so well, no matter how glad
 I am that she was not hurt.  Thanks for being the Mom."

#156, 02Aug95, Moving Out.
"I love you because you didn't move out of the house as soon
 as I left on the White River Canoe Race with Paul.  Thank
 you for putting up with my paranoia.  I love you."

#157, 03Aug95, Emerald Green.
"I love you because you take care of our children and our
 home when I am away.  A young girl from Bartlesville, OK
 came looking for Alma and some of the others that were in
 the river race last year.  She said she had the address of 
 one of the kids that lived on Emerald Green and hoped to see
 him.  It was Paul.  Then she said how many times over the
 last year she had looked at that address and thought what a
 wonderful place Emerald Green must be to live.  Guess the
 grass often appears greener on the other side of the fence.
 But then, we have provided a wonderful place for the kids
 and for us.  I am sorry for my mistakes that have tainted it.
 I love you for the efforts you make to make our home a little
 bit of heaven.  Thanks!"

#158, 04Aug95, Norfolk Dam.
"I love you because I thought of you every step of the way
 as I ran from our camp a quarter mile from the base of
 Norfolk Dam, up the hill, around the side, across the dam,
 and back.  As I came back across the dam the sun broke
 the horizon and reflected on the expansive waters of the
 lake, and I kept singing to myself the song `Sunrise.'  I
 do believe that `we our path shall find.'"
            `Like my love that's there by my side,
             And shows me the right side of a smile,
             The Son will come, the sun will shine,
             And we, our road, will find.'
          H. Roice Nelson, Jr., Sunrise, 13 October 1973.

#159, 05Aug95, `Thanks for Calling.'
"I love you because when I finally got you on the phone 
 calling from the Little Rock Air Force Base, you made the
 several attempts worthwhile with your statement `Thanks
 for Calling.'  Then you freely told me what you had been
 doing - the play at the Alley with Carolee, etc. - thus
 answering my paranoia questions before I even asked them."

#160, 06Aug95, Protection of Kids.
"I love you because you are so quick to protect our children.
 I wish you did not feel the need to protect them from me,
 but I understand, and I love you for your intent."

#161, 07Aug95, Court.
"I love you because you went with Melanie for her court
 hearing and helped her to understand that her sentence is
 just and fair."

#162, 08Aug95, Storage of School Supplies.
"I love you because you let me store your school supplies at
 HyperMedia's office, and you seemed please to have me help
 you get them out of storage."

#163, 09Aug95, Questions.
"I love you because you encouraged me to ask questions about
 anything I wanted and we had what seemed to me to be a good
 discussion.  It was like a cool breeze on a warm day, 
 clearing out the smoke of burning weeds."

#164, 10Aug95, Comics.
"I love you because you smiled so nicely as you looked at the
 comics.  It hurt a lot as you looked up and saw me and your
 countenance changed, but in looking back I understand you
 probably expected me to say something about the dishes.  I
 wish you knew how sorry I am you feel a need to protect 
 yourself from me.  It is so much better to see your smile."

#165, 11Aug95, Dinner with Keith.
"I love you because you had dinner with Keith and me and we had
 such a delightful conversation.  You are a wonderful companion
 and have such good insights.  Thanks."

#166, 12Aug95, Baseball Game.
"I love you because you were pleased I took Rob and his 
 friends to the baseball game, even if it meant we did not
 get to go to see a movie as you had expressed an interest
 in doing on Friday night."

#167, 13Aug95, Creative Writing.
"I love you because you volunteered to teach creative writing
 at Relief Society.  Your comments in Gospel Doctrine about
 teaching at Alief and about Brother Johnson's `revelation'
 about the blacks and the priesthood were wonderful.  To me
 it was part of `a secret language no one else understands.'
 It was a way of saying `I do remember the good times we have
 had.'  Thanks!"

#168, 14Aug95, Saturn.
"I love you because you went with me and picked out a nice
 replacement of your white Saturn; colored like a wonderful
 vale full of luscious trees, with gray seats, the color of 
 age and wisdom."

#169, 15Aug95, Eagle Talon.
"I love you because you went along with my recommendation that
 we buy Paul and Melanie a car to help them get around and to
 learn to share.  We will not know if it was a mistake for some
 time, and even if it was, we will learn from the experience.
 I believe the children will learn a lot of good lessons from
 the opportunity and the responsibility."

#170, 16Aug95, Insensitivity.
"I love you because you corrected me with the facts that (1)
 I should only talk about how I feel and never put you in a
 box; and (2) that I feel hurt because of my perception of
 insensitivity not meanness.  I do love you.  I am committed
 to our marriage and to our family at whatever the cost.  I
 will pay the price, but I do not want you to have to suffer. 
 I love you whether you can ever love me again or not."

#171, 17Aug95, Acceptance.
"I love you because this morning you taught me that love is
 more than commitment and trust.  I have been trying to
 show that I accept you as you are, and I am sorry when I
 fail.  I do accept you as a person.  When I feel rejected
 or that things I thought were common ground seem to me to
 change, I tend to react, and usually too strongly.  For this
 I am truly sorry.  I am particularly sorry that you do not
 feel accepted as a person by me and that you feel `nothing'
 you do `is good enough.'  That statement is simply not true! 

 Thank you for telling me that you are committed to our 
 children and by implication our marriage.  I need to hear
 those kinds of core beliefs and I greatly appreciate it.  I
 love you and I do accept you as you are.  If I don't show this,
 please tell me, and I will try my best to overcome bad habits.
 I am blind to many things besides tone of voice.  But I can
 learn to see, if you point them out to me. 

 Today's quote is for me, but I share it with you so you can see
 what I need to hear."

#172, 18Aug95, Fire on the Farm.
"I love you because we have made it through a fairly significant
 marriage struggle and are still together.  As I got to Cedar
 City, and at 11:00 PM went down to Grandma Nelson's house and
 saw Sara and Des sleeping in cots so they could get up and put
 out embers of the fire that burned through the corrals and the
 old barn, I thought about our marriage.  I don't think either
 of us understand what has happened the last year or two.  
 Maybe you do, but I don't.  It is like a big fire.  It doesn't
 seem fair, right, just, or reasonable.  However, neither is a 
 fire, and people just rebuild.  I believe we can rebuild, and
 that we will have a much better marriage than we had before,
 with all of my selfishness and dictatorial attitudes.  I do
 love you, and I do believe that love will conquer in the end."

#173, 19Aug95, Ditch Digging.
"I love you because you are the only stone in the grist mill
 of my life that is strong enough to wear down my sharp edges
 and help me become a better person.  I intended to take Dad
 golfing when I went to Cedar.  But we never got to it.  I
 spent much of Friday and Saturday on the back end of a shovel
 digging out the cement ditch that runs next to the garden.  A
 couple of things happened as I cleaned out the grass and the
 willows and the mud from the ditch.  Both were because I could
 not, nor do I want to, get my mind off of you, and trying to
 figure out how to convince you that I love you.  I do love you!

 First, I realized how much I need to have a physical release
 for pent up tension.  The farm provides me that.  Running and
 digging weeds and doing yard work provides that to a lesser
 degree.  I will attempt to do a better job of using these
 natural outlets for pent-up physical energy.  Having access
 to the farm and this type of outlet is a valid reason to help
 justify a move to Utah, someday.

 Second, I wrote a new song.  It doesn't have a particular tune,
 in the sense that it can be sung with any tune that comes to
 mind.  There are three verses so far, which are included as the
 quote for today.  The `today' is optional, depending on the
 tune selected to sing the words to.  It is a very uplifting
 song, and one that seems to make a lot of difference to how I
 feel about myself and the world around me.  Pick a favorite
 song and sing it so you get the tune in mind.  Then substitute
 the words below for the words of the song.  These words fit any
 tune I have tried them on so far.  Hope you enjoy my new song."

            `1: I'm smiling, I'm smiling, I'm smiling today :|
             2: I'm glad,    I'm glad,    I'm glad    today :|
             3: I'm happy,   I'm happy,   I'm happy   today :| :|'
                 H. Roice Nelson, Jr., 19 August 1995

#174, 20Aug95, Testimony.
"I love you because you are testing your testimony.  As I
 said to you last night, I do have a testimony of the
 restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  I also quoted Paul, who
 taught us that a believing spouse can help someone who
 has temporarily lost their way to stay on the path. 

 I believe that we will both be stronger as you find
 yourself (what David Devor calls an essence-trait or
 fundamental characteristic), discover what your life's
 mission is (essence-desire), and pursue with zeal the
 real aim of your life (essence-struggle).  I believe you
 are getting close to achieving this understanding through
 your job as a teacher.  As I hope I am showing you, I want
 to help you succeed, want to support you in your efforts,
 want to get to know the real you, and want you to know
 that I love you. 

 There is truth in the motivations you pointed out to me
 (I don't want to be a divorced man, I do not want to see
 my family broken up, I want to have some to have sex with,
 and I do not want to fail), but none of these are sufficient
 to justify my efforts.  The only justification for my
 actions is love, and I believe that some day you will accept
 this truth as the fact that it is.  I do love you."

#175, 21Aug95, Seminary.
"I love you because you are supporting and encouraging the
 kids to go to seminary.  Also that you were there and were
 supporting my efforts at providing a family devotional this
 morning.  I think I know how hard it is in the morning,
 especially after working late the night before.  Thank you!"

#176, 22Aug95, Groceries.
"I love you because you let me get groceries for you last
 night.  I do want you to be successful and fulfilled in
 your efforts as a teacher.  I want to help in any way I
 can.  Thank you for letting me help a little bit last night."

#177, 23Aug95, Goodbye.
"I love you because you came and found me this morning before
 you left, said goodbye, gave me a hug, and said you appreciate
 some of my specific efforts.  It was very enjoyable to rub
 your feet and your back last night.  Thanks for letting me.
 I hope you can come to accept that I love you very much."

#178, 24Aug95, Optimistic.
"I love you because you see the very best in our children: `I
 trust Paul, and he is a good kid;' and `Roice is an absolutely
 wonderful young man.'  Hopefully I can learn to be as
 optimistic in my view of our children.  I have compared Roice
 to a river, and it hurt a lot to read this morning Lehi's
 blessing to Lamen, whom he compared to a river, and to Lemuel,
 whom he compared to a valley.  Thank you for being an example,
 thank you for your belief in our children, and thank you for
 helping me see past my fears."

#179, 25Aug95, Grapes of Wrath.
"I love you because you understand good literature and encouraged
 Melanie to watch the movie `The Grapes of Wrath' last night.  It
 was a wonderful movie, even though some of the messages are 
 absolutely contrary to what I believe the gospel teaches.  I hope
 that I can present to the children a framework that helps them
 to recognize the wrongness of killing, that there are eternal
 principles, etc.  Thank you for your support in these efforts."

#180, 25Aug95, The Net.
"I love you because you wanted to go to a movie with me, and
 to me it appears you selected the first one you wanted to see
 based on what you felt I would be most interested in.  The Net
 really is exciting, I just wish I could figure out a way to
 find out what you think as you read my lovelets (little love
 notes).  Too often I feel like I am lost in time and space."

#181, 27Aug95, Sign Language.
"I love you because you instituted sign language in the 
 Nottingham Country Ward Primary.  As I watched the kids
 and you sign the song in Ward Conference on Sunday, my
 tears freely fell.  I wondered which of those children,
 or the many other children that have learned to sign a
 song since you started it, will find that signing knowledge 
 valuable, touching, and an important part of their lives.
 There is no doubt in my mind of the fact that it will be
 important to many who have participated.  It made my heart
 swell inside me with pride for what you have accomplished."

#182, 28Aug95, Genius.
"I love you because you sincerely said I have a form of genius
 (with all of its downsides), as we were talking Sunday evening. 
 Thank you for seeing in me something worthwhile.  My self esteem
 is such that I need to hear things like that, if sincere, often. 
 Thank you."

#183, 29Aug95, Forgiveness.
"I love you because you forgave me for forgetting Melanie and
 Paul's sports banquet.  I am truly sorry that I embarrassed
 you.  Melanie seems to be OK, but based on everything else
 I assume that the scars are so deep that she doesn't have
 any feeling or expectations.  I'm sure you will be able to
 quickly forget my mistake.  I wish I could.  I do love you,
 and as said indirectly in the quote below I believe you have
 some love for me, somewhere in your soul.  Otherwise you 
 could not have shown the forgiveness you did last night."

#184, 30Aug95, School Open House.
"I loved watching you at the open house at Rob's school, 
 Memorial Parkway Junior High School.  I love you because 
 are so intense about those things you care a lot about.  I
 love you because you were watching each of the teachers and
 picking up things you want to incorporate into your own 
 teaching program.  I love you because you were identifying
 things that you do not agree with and would like to influence
 changing in Rob's school and that you will make sure are not
 imposed where you teach.  I loved your intensity as you
 described how the size, arrangement, and structure of the
 classes we visited does not allow for the flexibility, 
 creativity and freedom that you believe are so important 
 in creating an environment where students will really learn.
 I do love you."

#185, 31Aug95, Sex.
"I love you because we have times together like last night.
 Times, too many to try and count, where we help each other
 and in the process are each personally fulfilled."

#186, 01Sep95, Guitar.
"I love you because you like music and get excited about going
 to a guitar concert with your good friend Karen.  I certainly
 don't pretend to play the guitar anywhere near as good as
 Eric Clapton, but your interest gives me hope that someday
 my efforts on the guitar and doing things like the tape Alan
 Peterson and I made for you will be of some interest and
 possibly even of genuine importance to you and to your life."

#187, 02Sep95, Get Away.
"I love you because you expressed an interest in going up to
 Heart-of-My-Hearts and spending Labor Day Weekend together.
 I waited too long to call for a reservation and they are all
 full.  There is a watercolor opening at the Art Center in
 Columbus on Friday evening.  Do you have any interest in
 going to that with me?  We could stay at a bed and breakfast 
 in Columbus, go up and camp out at Anders' and go to the Labor
 Day Picnic with him.  We could go from Columbus on to San
 Antonio or Austin or College Station for the weekend.  Or we
 could come back and stay at the Holiday Inn using my free night.
 Or I could probably get a condo down at Galveston, if you have
 any interest in walking along the beach.  Or we could fly over
 to New Orleans for the weekend.  Or . . . .  Do any of these
 options have any interest to you?  You seem awfully tired, and
 I think it would be good for you (and for me) to get away,
 relax, read a book, sleep in late, etc.    Tell me what you
 are interested in and I will make it so.  Please note that none
 of these options cost enough to worry about the money, 
 especially with the news about the Landmark licenses."

#188, 03Sep95, Heart-of-My-Heart.
"I love you because you spent Friday night and Saturday with
 me at the art show, at the Heart-of-My-Hearts bed and 
 breakfast, listening to Anders Saustraup wax on, and going
 to a movie about a young man with integrity that took a walk
 in the clouds.  I thoroughly enjoyed the time with you and
 letting you have time alone where I could go and listen to
 a friend and bat ideas back and forth in his old run-down
 house.  I hope we can do it again, sooner rather than later.
 I do love you."

#189, 04Sep95, Space Center Houston.
"I love you because you encouraged me to take Rob to Space
 Center Houston.  We had a great day, and there were a lot
 of different things that came up that we talked about.  I
 will do my best to have the same kind of one-on-one time
 with each of our children, and to do it on a regular basis.
 Please help me by encouraging them to find something they
 might like to do with me.  In case you haven't heard, it is
 a fact that I do love you."

#190, 05Sep95, Twenty-Second Anniversary.
"I love you because we have been married twenty-two years."

#191, 06Sep95, Sorry.
"I love you because you said you are "truly sorry."  You were
 forgiven before you said it, but it doesn't change the fact
 that I was hurt.  I know I am often too sensitive.  I am
 very sorry for that.  I know I have often over-reacted.  I
 am very sorry for this weakness.  I now recognize that too
 often a little innocent and unintended action on someone
 else's part has pulled a trigger and the explosion of pent
 up frustration has been out of proportion to what happened.  

 I wish you could see into my heart and realize how sorry I am
 for my weaknesses and how hard I am trying to correct the
 mistakes.  I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me
 for my weaknesses.  I hope someday I will be able to forgive
 myself.  I hope that someday you might have a desire to
 explain to those that you told about my breaking 20 china
 bowls on our twentieth anniversary (specifically Melanie and
 Roice) that there was possibly a basis for my anger.  I am not
 asking you to justify my anger, for it is unjustifiable.  I am
 not asking you to accept my actions, for they are inexcusable
 and have at times, and specifically two years ago, exceeded
 all common sense and decency.  I am asking for understanding
 and for forgiveness.  Both seem necessary to me for me to ever
 be able to forgive myself and for you to ever be able to be
 true to yourself and to be able to tell me that you love me. 
 I do love you!"

#192, 07Sep95, Open House.
"I love you because you reminded me and in effect invited me
 to the Open House at your school.  I want to be actively
 involved with you in your work.  I also want to be more
 actively involved in each or our children's lives.  I don't
 know how, without stepping on peoples toes.  Please be 
 patient with me and help me.  I want each member of our
 family to know how much I love them.  Starting with and
 especially you!"

#193, 08Sep95, Introductions.
"I love you because you introduced me to your teaching colleagues
 and seemed excited to do so.  They seem like nice people.  Your
 room is very nice, and you have every reason to be proud of how
 you have ordered your life at school.  Thanks for making me feel
 welcome in your professional life.  As we laughed and one of your
 neighbors came in to say we are having too much fun, I did think
 something to the effect of 'What jolly fun!'  Maybe I'm not such
 a cynic as we both have thought and as Sir Walter Raleigh was:"

#194, 09Sep95, Quotes.
"I love you because you told me you like me writing to you
 about how much I love you, and because you encouraged me
 to quit looking up quotes, since you don't read them, and
 since you are concerned about how I spend my time and want
 to encourage me to `get the most bang for the buck.'  I 
 guess that the quotes are an expression on my insecurity.  
 It is hard for me to think that you will know I love you 
 with just my words.  I always need lots of back-up to prove,
 through those accepted as smarter than me, that I am right.
 
 As I have looked up quotes the last 159 days, I have often 
 wondered what justified certain people getting `listed.'  
 Why isn't Joseph Smith quoted by Bartlet?  Will I ever say
 or write anything someone will think worth quoting?  Why
 are famous writers and popular poets so much more accepted
 by Marti than my efforts are?  Anyway, what you said to me
 last night meant a lot to me.  I needed it.  Thanks.  I do
 love you, and sometimes I think you know that I do.  I will
 bring home Bartlet's this afternoon, and just use my words
 for a few months until we see if you still feel the same way."

#195, 10Sep95, Grave Dedication.
"I love you because we share the restored Gospel of Jesus
 Christ.  It has only been a year since Vince Szabo was 
 killed in a car accident, and it was a good experience to
 go with Blaine and Judith to visit Ron and Mary, to share
 a Book of Mormon and my testimony, and to participate in
 the dedication of the grave.  The restoration provides
 us a unique perspective and comfort compared to what the
 world has."

#196, 11Sep95, Patterns of Interdependence.
"I love you because we share `patterns of interdependence,'
 as described in the audio-book The Fifth Discipline.  As I
 talked with Ben and had dinner with him last night, the 
 words of that book and of the descriptions of Systems Dynamics
 came ringing through.  Specifically the book says that if you
 try to make an adjustment to a dynamic system you end up 
 creating wild oscillations in the system.  It is pretty
 obvious to me that this is what has happened in our family.

 Specific example: You sound upset when I ask you to come in
 for devotional.  I take it personally and can either (1) not
 think about it and assume you got up on the wrong side of
 the bed, or (2) dwell on it and ask what is wrong or say 
 something sarcastic.  Today, I choose the first option, and
 you happened to mention that your new dress shrunk.  

 I will work on not trying to adjust `the system' everytime
 something goes a little bit outside of my expectations.  
 Please continue to help me be patient and please recognize
 how much I love you and how much I love our children."

#197, 12Sep95, Have a Good Day.
"I love you because you were pleasant in the way you said
 good-bye this morning, after my apoplexy attack about Sara:
 (1) not getting up when she was called, and in affect
 blaming me for not having time to eat breakfast; (2) not 
 having lunch money, and in effect blaming me for not
 providing for her; (3) throwing a fit about not being able
 to find a belt that met her definition of 'matching;' and
 (4) throwing another fit in the car and getting Paul to 
 come screeching back into the driveway to bring her back,
 where she went upstairs, flinging her heir around like she
 owned everyone and everything.  I'm sorry how I react when
 my children replicate my actions and I am embarrassed and
 hurt by what I have inadvertently taught them."

#198, 13Sep95, Redirection.
"I love you because you redirected my actions three times
 last night.  First, when I gave you a kiss before you left
 for Relief Society, you showed me what a real kiss was like.
 I thought I was being cute saying hundreds of thousands of
 women around the world would like the attention I have been
 striving to give you, but you put me in my place and showed
 me what millions of men are interested in.  Second, after I 
 got after Robert for not going to sleep, you went up and 
 corrected him.  Third, this morning you stopped Melanie from 
 yelling at me for not waking her up.  I realize you feel bad 
 about two and three, and so do I, but for different reasons
 than you think.

 In my opinion you were just trying to redirect my reaction
 to Robert to you.  Basically it seems like this is also
 what Melanie was trying to do, only redirecting it towards
 herself.  It is sad and it is sick that I do not set a better
 example and that I not able to constructively correct Robert.  
 The patterns of interdependence in our family run deep.

 I love you because, looking at what happened last night and
 this morning in this light says that you care deeply about me
 and are trying to protect me from myself.  I am so sorry I
 fail so often.  I am working as hard as I know how to be a
 better husband and father.  Please don't give up on me, please
 continue to help me, and please don't be hard on yourself."

#199, 14Sep95, Thank You.
"I love you because you said 'Thank You' when I told you that
 I love you this morning.  It was not just the words, it was
 the feeling that I took with the words.  Thank You!  Because
 I do love you, and today I finally feel like you believe me."

#200, 15Sep95, Composed.
"I love you because you stayed so composed as I let off anger
 about Roice's female roommates and the image that his choice
 creates.  I can not justify the anger.  I know you recognize
 how contrary Roice's choice is to all that I represent and
 have tried to teach my sons and their friends.  I have failed
 to pass on my values, and it hurts so much to know how much
 he will hurt someday for his choices.  Please do not keep
 'secrets' like this, or 'forget' to tell me about something
 like this.  If we talk about them between ourselves,
 especially when one of us first learns about them, maybe we
 can have a positive influence on our children and help keep
 them out of some of the fires of life.  For instance, last 
 night at the football game you said to Glenda that you expect
 Ben and Chad to be 'roommates eternally, they get along so 
 well.'  Are there other 'secrets' I should know?

 You were wonderful.  Calm.  Logical.  Strong.  But mostly
 composed.  Thank you for that.  I am sorry I got so upset.
 I don't think you realize how deeply the choices I see our
 children making hurt me.  I need your help to handle the pain. 
 I am sorry I lash out.  Thanks for helping me.  I love you."

#201, 16Sep95, Hackers.
"I love you because you wanted to walk out of the movie 
 'Hackers' last night.  I do not think it was that bad to
 stay, except that we didn't teach the three boys that you
 can walk out of a movie if it is full of violence or sex. 
 But I was really pleased that you wanted to get out of that
 environment.  I hope we have and can continue to teach our
 children to have this kind of values.  Thanks, and in case
 you haven't read or heard it recently, I love you!"

#202, 17Sep95, Secrets.
"I love you because you told me about Ben's computer over the
 phone.  It would have been better if the computer were not
 already set up and I wasn't going to see it the minute I 
 walked into the house, but at least you told me in advance
 of that, and implied that you are going to be more straight
 forward on a looking forward basis.  Thanks.  I love you."

#203, 18Sep95, Stake Mission.
"I love you because you told the Stake Mission President that
 you will support me in my new calling as a Stake Missionary.
 Thanks.  I will need that support, and hopefully the same
 kind of spirit Katy Deford talked about coming back into her
 home from Dave's work will follow me as I put my shoulder to
 the wheel and fulfill this calling.  Thanks for your 
 sustaining support.  It was great to hear the words from 
 Brother Johnson when he issued the call.  I love you!"

#204, 19Sep95, Temple Bus.
"I love you because you were with me in spirit all day 
 yesterday as I rode on the Stake Temple Bus for the first
 time.  On the way up, it was hard to uncomfortable and
 hard to sleep and I said to myself 'No wonder Marti doesn't
 want to go on this bus.'  In the first two endowment
 sessions, Eve had dark hair and blue eyes, and I kept seeing
 and thinking about you in my mind.  On the way back we sang
 hymns, and they really needed you to lead the music and to
 get people to sing out.  Then we watched a movie about a
 girl that was captured by the Indians, and I felt alone
 watching a movie without you next to me.  I did enjoy the
 conversation with Phillip Miller a lot, and think you
 would of enjoyed finding a friend to sit by and talk to.  All
 in all it was a great day, and I think a good way to go to
 Dallas and not end up as tired as when one drives.  Thanks
 for being with me in my mind, even if you didn't really have
 any direct impact on what I carry in my mind.  I love you."

#205, 20Sep95, Thought You'd Like It Better.
"I love you because you came over to me before leaving to
 work, let me hug you, and when I asked why said, 'I thought
 you'd like it better.'  I did!  Thanks!  I love you."

#206, 21Sep95, Aunt Mary Morgan.
"I love you because you are positive about me going to Aunt
 Mary's funeral with you.  Just the name brought floods of
 good memories.  Her playing the piano.  Going to the 
 Reorganized LDS Church with her.  The scouts staying with
 her on the way home from the Buffalo River and mowing her
 lawns.  All of the prayers and concern we had about not
 being able to have a daughter, and the effort that coincided
 with the Sharp family reunion in Texarkana and lead to
 Melanie's birth.  We have a lot of interlaced memories. 
 Thank you!  I love you."

#207, 22Sep95, Keep Each Other Company.
"I love you because as we left for Houston for Texarkana and
 your Aunt Mary Morgan's funeral, we had the following
 conversation:
   Me:  "I am just coming along to keep you company."
   You: "Can't we keep each other company?"
 Yes we can, and for eternity.  Thank you for keeping me
 company.  I thoroughly enjoyed going to Texarkana with you."

#208, 23Sep95, Cousin Tom.
"I love you because you turned to your handsome Cousin Tom
 after the funeral and said, 'So are you serious?  Next time
 I feel like leaving home I can come and stay with you?'  It 
 was a little more than flirting, with a hint of truth, and
 yet I took it as a statement made to make me jealous.  It
 was successful, but more important to me, it seemed like
 you wanted to make me jealous, which gives me great hope. 
 This probably makes no sense to you, but know I love you."

#209, 24Sep95, Pecan Pancakes.
"I love you because you have a wonderful family.  I think that
 Shirley ordering Pecan Pancakes and Orange Juice on Saturday
 morning only served to highlight the connection I feel with
 your Dad's sisters and their families.  A little before the
 order when she asked 'How was your night?' I felt like 
 answering 'I'm interested in that, but Marti's not.'  When I
 was talking to Martha the night before, she asked some 
 questions about Landmark and the conversation kind of turned
 to the financial uncertainty we have felt the last few years.
 After answering some questions, she said, 'and she probably
 never will have enough to feel secure because of how things
 were in her home as she grew up.'  It was like a revelation
 and a breath of fresh air rolled into one.  I enjoy talking
 to Janie about the stuff she is working on.  I think the 
 Susan we had dinner with is uptight, but a neat person.  
 Pee Wee was so neat going around and filling water glasses.
 It was fun to talk to Norman and Bobbie about genealogy.  The
 whole group are the kind of down-to-earth, honest people I grew
 up with, and I thoroughly enjoy them.  I love you for bringing
 them into my life and sharing them with me."

#210, 25Sep95, Clues to Children's Activities.
"I love you because you handled my reaction to the clues the
 children left concerning their activities so well.  I am
 more than a little concerned.  However, I recognize there
 is nothing I can do but pray for the kids, and keep my eyes
 open for specific issues.  I was careful to ask Matthew
 Reynolds about the 'instrument' in front of you.  I got a
 real kick out of your reaction to his answer.  I am sorry
 that I am paranoid, and that I seem to care 'too much.'  
 Please remember that I care because I love my children and
 I only want the best for them. 

 Also, thank you for saying that you know that I love you,
 as we talked about this type of stuff briefly on Sunday
 evening.  And thank you for inviting me to read your poem.
 I do not think it accurately defines who you are.  I think
 it accurately describes pain that hasn't been said before.
 I think you are an angel, a harpist, a singer, a pianist,
 a writer, a versatile musician, a mother, a friend, an
 example, an editor, a critic, a teacher, a student, a
 daughter of God, a wife, an help-meet, and thousands of
 other things not captured in your poem.  I love you for
 what and who you are and for bearing the pain you have been
 given in life with dignity."

#211, 26Sep95, Iron Pills.
"I love you because you keep working so hard, even when you
 are too tired.  It is obvious to me that you need to take
 some iron pills, based on how much you have been sleeping.
 Yet, despite the conditioning by environment and by heredity,
 you had thought through what I would eat for dinner last
 night, and you were very animated with the children this
 morning.  I think it is important to give the kids the
 kind of feedback they were getting after I read from the
 scriptures (Sara did good in English, Melanie, Paul, and
 Rob all chimed in about how well they have done).  I guess
 I understand why they don't tell me, but thanks for making
 up for me and giving them the positive feedback."

#212, 27Sep95, Apology.
"I love you because you apologized to me for having told 
 Roice my knee-jerk reaction to finding out he is living
 with girls.  It has been hard for me to accept, both last
 night and today; specifically because you talked to him before
 admonishing me not to say to him what I had said to you.  But
 I believe you feel you made a mistake and your apology is
 accepted.  I have certainly made worse mistakes than this. 
 I do love you!  I am very concerned for Roice and I love him
 very much.  I told him this in a short response to his latest
 e-mail a few minutes ago."

#213, 28Sep95, Dishes.
"I love you because you did the dishes, even though you were
 tired and didn't feel like it.  I especially liked the fact
 that you told me you did the dishes because you thought it
 would make me happy.  Thank you.  I love you."

#214, 29Sep95, Margie Law.
"I love you because you are spending time saying good-bye to
 Margie Law at Galveston with other sisters in the ward.  I
 think that is wonderful and I'm glad you have friends like
 Margie.  I love you."

#215, 30Sep95, Fund Raising.
"I love you because we have wonderful kids.  I went to work
 early this morning and when I got home to take Rob to play
 his horn at Epiphany's carnival, he and Joe were both ready. 
 It was fun listening to him talk about how he put Mr. Ortega
 in jail, and watching Joe and him learn what a church fund
 raising is all about."

#216, 01Oct95, Good Time.
"I love you because you had a good time in Galveston, and it
 showed by how nice you looked when I got home from the office
 prior to leaving for General Conference.  I'm sorry that there
 was so much contention, arguing, and fighting among the 
 children, and feel that it probably undid any relaxing you
 were able to do.  I am particularly sorry about my reaction
 to Robert Saturday evening after General Priesthood meeting,
 which was certainly part of the reason for how he and Sara
 were treating each other.  Despite these troughs, I still 
 believe we are going to make it as a family.  Please don't
 give up, and please remember that I love you."

#217, 02Oct95, Twister.
"I love you because you smiled in a really neat way as you 
 watched the kids and I play Twister for Family Home Evening.
 I really hope that we can both be involved in doing more
 little things like this to get us doing things together and
 actually enjoying each other's company.  Thanks for your
 support at Family Home Evening last night.  I love you."

#218, 03Oct95, Family Dance.
"I love you because you talked to me this morning about how
 upset you are with me.  Dr. Aronson pointed out last week
 that we seem to have a "family dance" we go through.  I have
 been thinking about his comment this past week, and decided
 to use this medium to pass along my thoughts.

 A possible description of the 5 Step Nelson Family Dance.  
   Step 1: Kids want attention (not always the case) and get 
           it by misbehaving.
   Step 2: I correct them (too often over-reacting) and the 
           kids are upset.  
   Step 3: You do something to redirect my reactions to you.
   Step 4: I come to you repentant and we have a talk.
   Step 5: We are close and accepting of each other for a 
           few days or weeks.

 I don't know if you agree with this, but in thinking about
 Robert and his behavior at General Priesthood, and what has
 followed, it seems like I was at Step 4 last night, and that
 you responded by starting to talk this morning.  It seems
 like if this description is even partly true (or if we can
 jointly define a more correct description of "the dance"),
 that we are intelligent enough people to figure out ways to
 recognize the steps that are destructive and then practice
 alternative steps and eventually get out of the destructive
 portions of the dance.

 Thank you for considering this suggestion and thank you for
 telling me you are upset with me this morning.  It helps to
 hear what is going on in your mind, because I can not read
 your mind.  I read too much from your body language, and it 
 needs to be continuously tempered with verbal facts.  I do
 not want to have you upset with me because I do love you."

#219, 04Oct95, Pain.
"I love you because I know how nice it will be once the storm
 passes.  Right now I wonder if it ever will pass, and I know
 that you feel the same way.  With as much pain as I know we
 each are feeling, it absolutely feels best to give up. 

 I also know that this much pain can only come from sin.  The
 corollary is that I can only be responsible for my own sins
 and can not judge others.  I have failed in the latter and
 apologize.  I know that I have sinned in regards to judging
 others in my family, pride, and unrighteous dominion.  I am
 sorry.  I have tried to show I am sorry by doing little things
 like correspond with Roice, make the bed, buy groceries, have
 a family home evening, regularly visit Dr. Aronson, sending
 you these love notes every day, etc.  I will continue to make
 what efforts I have the strength to and that I believe might be
 useful, until you help me see that they are of absolutely no use.
 You can help me do better.  Please help me by pointing out other
 things I can do.  Too often I am blind to the obvious. 

 I try to remember that Christ has suffered more than we will ever
 suffer, that I will be forgiven of my mistakes, and more
 importantly that those I love will be forgive of their mistakes. 
 I wish you felt like you could talk to me.  I feel you desperately
 need to talk to someone.  Karen, Bishop Pickerd, Sharon Johnson,
 Jolene and others have been helpful in the past.  Please don't
 just turn inward with your anger.  Let it out on me, or talk it
 out with someone who can help you ease the pain.  I am available
 anytime, if you want to talk to me.  I do love you, and I am
 committed to making it through this latest storm."

#220, 05Oct95, Incongruity.
"I love you because you recognize the incongruities of my
 life.  In thinking about your question, I think the answer
 is that I write the e-mail in a safe, detached, unemotional
 environment.  Because I care, and because emotions play
 such a large role in my communication methods, my direct
 interactions with those I love tend to be over-reactions.
 I'm so sorry for my mistakes.  Please forgive me.  I love you."

#221, 06Oct95, Spider's Sex.
"I love you because of how you smiled as you read to me out of
 Discovery how a certain spider has sex, including the eating 
 of the male by the female during the act.  Then you looked up
 from the bed with those beautiful eyes and said with a smile,
 see you don't have it so bad.  Thanks for helping to keep
 everything in perspective for me.  I love you."

#222, 07Oct95, Metaphors.
"I love you because, in my mind and heart, you are Beatrice,
 you wipe away the surf as it washes against my desert island,
 giving hope of mansions shared with those I love.  The movie
 was wonderful.  It hurts to see 'real' poetry, and to know
 that I will always fall short of the mark.  But, I do love you."

#225, 10Oct95, Something Good to Say.
"I love you because you welcomed me home last night with the
 words thank you for the mail.  when I asked why, you said, I
 wonder sometimes how you will find something good to say.  It
 pleased me greatly to know that this medium is telling you how
 much I love you."

#226, 11Oct95, Guess You Decided.
"I love you because you looked up at me after we kissed the
 second time last night in the office and said 'I guess you
 decided.'  Nice to know that that is all it takes.  I love you."

#227, 12Oct95, Visiting Dad.
"I love you because you have no problem with me taking off for
 a week to visit with Dad (and Mom).  I feel like I should be
 working and generating money to pay bills, but at the same time
 I feel like that will always be there and Dad won't.  I am
 probably not going to try to log-in and keep up with mail while
 I am gone.  So you will get a set of these next week once I 
 return.  Thank you for being so understanding.  I love you."

#228, 13Oct95, Greenhouse.
"I love you because you said you would be glad to water the
 greenhouse when I called and told you I forgot to do it.
 Maybe shutting down HyperMedia, going to Utah, worrying 
 about Roice and the other kids, and everything else going
 on in my life right now is causing some kind of amnesia
 with me.  I usually don't forget to water my plants.  Then
 again, maybe it's just Friday the 13th."

#229, 14Oct95, Plowing.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I plowed the hay 
 field below the pond for Dad.  It was a return to the past,
 in the sense of spending hours being bounced around on a
 hard to drive tractor, singing to myself, and thinking about
 my girlfriend.  Obviously did that last part a little too
 much, because the last time up the patch I high-centered the
 tractor and it took Dad and I a couple of hours to get the
 tractor unstuck. 

 The disk plow throws about a foot of dirt and creates this
 'ditch.'  The unplowed ground gets narrower and narrower until
 the entire swath is plowed.  I was driving up the patch the
 last time with each of the back tires in one of these 'ditches'
 when the tractor crossed an old sandy stream bed.  The two back
 tires dug in, and just spun around, digging holes for each tire
 and left the tractor sitting on the unplowed ground in between
 the 'ditches.' 

 It was a real mess to get it unstuck.  It doesn't seem fair,
 since my intentions were good, I was being very careful (except
 to let my mind wander to Houston), and I still created a big
 problem.  But by keeping after it and using a variety of
 ingenious physics principles, we finally got it unstuck, even
 though it seemed hopeless for a while.  A little too much like
 real life for my feeble mind.  In no way am I saying you are
 responsible, just that 'you were on my mind' and I love you."

#230, 15Oct95, Greenhouse Revisited.
"I love you because you did water the greenhouse after repenting
 of forgetting to on Friday the 13th.  Thank you, I love you."

#231, 16Oct95, Lund Wheel Line.
"I love you because you never complain when I do stupid things,
 like go to Utah and work a 16 hour day doing manual labor.  Dad
 and I got up at 6:00, ate breakfast, and went to town to get
 some supplies and an Arby's roast beef sandwich.  Then we drove
 out past Lund, which is in the real Utah desert, about 50 miles
 west of the farm.  We worked until 4:00 with a generator and an
 impact hammer taking apart an irrigation wheel line that Des has
 bought for the farm.  The bolts were covered with up to a quarter
 inch of lime from the desert ground.  It was hard work.  Dad gave
 out just as Des got there at 4:00 and he went back in to go to
 poker club.  Des and I finished up by about 8:00, then loaded 10
 of the wheels on the pickup and tied them down.  We got them 
 unloaded and back to the house at about 9:30.  After a shower,
 I took Mom uptown to eat.  It was 10:30 when we left the house
 and the only restaurant open on Monday night that late was JB's.
 I was so tired when I got home at about midnight that it only
 took a few seconds to go to sleep.  Still remembered you in my
 prayers, how much I missed you, how much I appreciate you never
 complaining about me spending days like this, and that I love you."

#232, 17Oct95, Rotary.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I went to Rotary
 with Dad.  First, the Rotary Club now has four women members,
 and I thought what a breakthrough that is and how much easier
 you will have it in Cedar City than Mom has.  Then Fred Adams
 was the speaker and as he reported on the Shakespeare Festival,
 I wished you could have been there to hear his enthusiasm and
 excitement.  Some of the highlights of his report are:
   > They had 129,742 patrons this season.
   > They put $270,000+ in the reserve fund, which has to reach
     $600,000 before they can start to build the 180 foot clock
     tower and the other planned buildings.
   > A couple visiting Vegas several years ago saw a brochure
     and drove up for the festival.  They bought 4 tickets to
     all of the plays for the next year and brought two friends.
     Each couple bought 4 tickets for all of the plays the next
     year (8 tickets) and brought friends.  They have continued
     this and had over 270 people there this year.  Including 
     people from Kenya and Australia.  They have a pedigree chart
     of who brought who.  They have a party at the Rotary Park
     for everyone.  They call themselves the 'Strange Bard Fellows.'
   > The Shakespeare Festival has joined with Tuacon and the Zion
     Omni Theater to sell bus tours to Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon,
     and Cedar Breaks.  It's called 'Trio Grande.'
   > Cedar is becoming a 'Little Hollywood.'  Several famous actors
     and directors have bought property up at Green's Lake.  I think
     he said Buddy Hacket (sp?) is one.
   > Shakespeare generated $21 million in non-polluting tourist
     income for Iron County this year.  This compares to Ashland,
     Oregon's $160M in their 60th season with 14 simultaneous plays
     and 875 full time employees.  Obviously Fred intends to break
     this record.
 As I listened to his enthusiasm I couldn't help but think about
 you, about how much I wish you could have heard him, and about how
 much I love you and your interest in cultural events."

#233, 18Oct95, Governor Mike Leavitt.
"I love you because you were a part of my motivation to
 visit with Governor Leavitt.  To be specific, in an e-mail
 I sent Mike on October 12th I said:
   "Decided I would write out the possible reasons that make
    sense for us getting together, from my standpoint, and
    then let you pick anything of interest to you and run
    the meeting.

    First, from a selfish standpoint, it is a good idea to 
    start making connections in Utah, since I hope to move
    back home.  As mentioned before, we have a nice lot on
    Leigh Hill, and as soon as Rob, our 8th grader, graduates
    from High School I hope to move back to Cedar.  Marti is
    not sure she will like it, and so it would be useful to
    tie her into some of the things happening in Utah in the
    English teaching profession that might encourage her to
    want to move.  I also will want to have connections to
    generate consulting income and to be able to "continue to 
    make a difference" (my personal vision).

    In terms of stuff that can help you, which has more basis
    than any selfish motivations, there are several thoughts: . . ."
 
 Mike was very personal, and acted like he had genuinely 
 looked forward to my visit.  He was full of questions about
 Mom, Dad, how I became active in the church, my profession,
 etc.  I mentioned introducing you to the church, but did
 not talk about our family.  The meeting was only suppose to
 be a half hour visit, it went for 50 minutes, and there were
 2 dozen people waiting in the hall when I left.  When I got
 back to the office today there was this message:
   "Roice, 

    I enjoyed our visit today and look forward to hearing 
    from you again.   I look forward to meeting your wife.

    Mike"

 I know my mind doesn't work normally, and that you don't see
 yourself as any motivation for my visit.  But it does all fit
 together in my mind.  I love you for your influence in my life."

#234, 19Oct95, Farm Boy Qualities.
"I love you because you told me on the phone you 'love my
 farm boy qualities.'  Maybe I am just starved for having
 you recognize my efforts, or maybe I am just being taught
 how much I have taken you for granted over the years of
 our marriage.  But whatever is fact, I know how good it
 felt to hear that last night and how wonderful it has
 sounded ringing in my mind today.  I thank you for sharing
 your writing and mostly I want you to know I love you."

#235, 20Oct95, Welcome Home Kiss.
"I love you because you schemed and planned for my return and
 how you would greet me with a kiss.  It was cute that Robert 
 sat there and timed it as being over 2 minutes.  I love you."

#236, 21Oct95, The Importance of Being Earnest.
"I love you because we had such a good evening going to the 
 play, eating at Bennigans, and spending time together.  
 Thanks for making me feel 'at home in my home.'  I love you."

#237, 22Oct95, Persuasion.
"I love you because we went to the movie Persuasion together,
 because you got me to get out of my self-defeating habits
 with relation to cleaning out the garage, and because you
 have been so tolerant and patient with regards to my recent
 'retrenchment.'  Thank you and I love you."

#238, 23Oct95, Unconditional Commitment.
"I love you because we talked about really important stuff
 yesterday.  I believe your comments about simplifying the 
 gospel message and that God doesn't set us up to fail are
 right on track.  I believe one of the reasons for marriage
 is to have a partner we can trust and lean on in areas of
 our lives where we don't necessarily see a better way, but
 still have issues.  Your comments about your current feelings
 about the gospel certainly fit that mold.  It also tracks 
 with what Paul stated, in regards to the believing husband
 saving the unbelieving wife and vice-versa. 

 I would like to make two specific suggestions to follow-up
 on our conversation:
  (1) over the next few months listen to the church history
      specifically the great women in Mormon history tapes
      and then discuss with me what you think about what
      you listened to each day that you listen to one of
      the tapes; and
  (2) join with me to read/study the scriptures together,
      as a couple, for just a few minutes each day.  This
      could be a supplement to our few seconds of saying a
      prayer each evening.  It doesn't matter which of the
      scriptures: maybe the New Testament would be a good
      place to start; or maybe the Koran, since there are
      many more Moslems than Christians and we are less
      acquainted with that tradition. 

 These suggestions are only intended to provide fuel to your
 logical thinking about God and our relationship with him.
 I do not want to do anything to discourage this type of
 logical thinking because I also believe I have logically
 thought through the issues you talked about last night,
 and I am not afraid to test my logic with study, fasting,
 and prayer.  Thank you for considering these suggestions
 and be aware that I love you no matter if or what kind of
 test(s) you give me.  After all, isn't that an important
 part of what love is all about, unconditional commitment?"

#239, 24Oct95, Kept Woman.
"I love you because you asked me if I would mind if you were
 a 'kept woman' again.  I guess part of my understanding, or
 misunderstanding, of the sexes is that 'keeping' or 'taking
 care of' my family, starting with you, is key to how I feel
 of value and how I feel fulfilled in my own life.  In saying
 these words I want to stress I do not mind you working, and
 in fact I see work as being very useful to you personally. 

 I have been somewhat concerned about the purpose and
 orientation of your teaching.  It is important for someone
 to teach, or to attempt to find ways to teach, those who
 don't want to learn!  That is a real gift.  However, it might
 be more important for you to use your natural talents to teach
 those who want to learn.  You would have more impact.  You
 would be more fulfilled.  And you could set your own schedule,
 allowing breaks to give you time to vegetate and regroup.

 Thanks for loaning me a copy of your writing about 'farm kids'
 today.  A copy is on my 'bulletin board' at work.  I love you."

#240, 25Oct95, Cuddling.
"I love you because you asked me if I would like to cuddle.
 I'm not sure what my insecurities are that make me need so
 desperately to seek out and grasp hold of something as
 firm and steadfast as 'the iron rod.'  Thank you for being
 there for me.  Thank you for telling me to 'take it easy'
 this morning and for putting up with my response.  I truly
 hope you know how much I love you and how much I need you."

#241, 26Oct95, Teaser.
"I love you because of the way you smiled as you read 'Calvin
 & Hobbes' at the breakfast table.  The summary was that 
 'tomorrow's show and tell will be a big surprise' and he then
 added 'this is a teaser.'  It is nice to see you smile.  The
 context of 'teaser' seemed complete as you left you turned 
 give me a peck, then seeing my disappointment gave me a real
 kiss, right there by the pantry.  Thanks for the teaser. 
 I love you."

#242, 27Oct95, Why Austin?
"I love you because when I got home you asked me 'Why did you
 go to Austin?'  I realize you probably asked because you
 didn't have an answer to a similar question by Ma, but it
 was nice to feel you have a little interest in what I am 
 doing.  Thank you for the concern shown.  I love you."

#243, 28Oct95, Community Service.
"I love you because you did not blame me for Melanie missing
 the community service to make up for her stealing.  I do hope
 that we can still have her do some community service to make
 up for the difference in the money she doesn't have.  I know
 this has all been difficult for you too.  I wish that somehow
 it made it easier for you to know that I do love you."

#244, 29Oct95, Ma Bartlett.
"I love you because you are so dedicated to 'a lonely lady'
 that 'invited herself' for the weekend.  Paul would have
 liked to have you hear him play in front of the University
 of Houston Downtown, but as we talked about it, after the
 performance, I felt he understood.  It would have been
 hard for Ma to walk up the hill and there was no place to
 sit and listen, so I think your choice was right on.  

 I hope that you recognize that I am doing everything I know
 how too, to keep you from finding your future in the same
 position Ma is now.  I heard you loud and clear, after the
 play the other night, when you said 'I am so lonely.' 
 Surely this is an important part of the bond you feel with
 Ma Bartlett.  Please recognize I am lonely too!  It is
 probably a natural accompaniment to what David calls
 'exceptional creativity.'  Another reason we were made to
 find each other.  I love you and look forward to the day
 when your 'embattled individuality' can love me too."

#245, 30Oct95, Subvert.
"I love you because we talked for a few minutes this morning.
 I apologize that I didn't start the conversation off very
 well, and I recognized that what I said subverted very
 positive actions on your side.  I appreciated, more than you
 can know, your acknowledgment of subverting my efforts to
 improve our marriage.  It would be wonderful if we could
 only see the positive in each other, but that capability is
 not part of either of us, at least at this time.  In the
 meantime (until we can learn to see who we really are), I
 hope and pray that we can not let our mispreceptions of each
 other's motives, desires, and true nature keep us from
 finding out the truth about our relationship.  One fact, I
 hope you are hearing, is that I love you."

#246, 31Oct95, Attachment.
"I love you because we talked again last evening.  It was
 wonderful to hear you read words you have found useful in
 describing our relationship.  I recognize the truth in the
 statement 'When we don't pressure others to follow our 
 advise they are more open to listening to it.'  I am sorry
 that it is so hard for me to sit by and let those I love
 leave 'the straight and narrow path' and climb into 'the
 great and spacious building.'  I am striving not to use
 'unrighteous dominion,' and appreciate it when you and the
 others notice any slight improvements in my emphasis. 

 I'm do not believe my 'attachment' to you and the kids is
 as you read in the book, i.e. a selfish measure of my
 personal self-worth.  I do see more reason for believing
 this of me than I do of believing it of you.  Therefore,
 I'm willing to admit there is some grain of truth to the
 concept.  However, please recognize I do function just fine
 alone.  In fact, sometimes it scares me that I can do better
 alone in the mountains, or in a foreign land, or visiting my
 parents, than I can with those I love and care about.  I
 believe my 'attachment' is mostly based on love and concern
 for you and the children, and is not as selfish as the
 'attachment' you read to me about. 

 Whatever the case, time always tells.  When you are ready, 
 time will tell you what a wonderful person you are, as well
 as the fact you are worth much more loving than I have the
 talent and ability to share and to give to you.  Please
 accept my meager efforts for what they are: a sincere
 attempt to share with you how much I love you."

#247, 01Nov95, Sockings and a Harp Pin.
"I do not love you because you do or do not wash my sockings.
 I love you because you were concerned when you realized there
 were not any clean sockings, despite feeling so ill that you
 had to stay home from school today.  I'm glad you liked the
 harp/cherub  pin.  It will look nice on you, because you
 are a grand person and will make it glitter.  It's like
 sockings don't make the person, but with them a person is
 somehow accepted as being more whole than without them.  I
 realize the pin does not show love any more than clean
 sockings, but I hope you do enjoy it.  When you wear it,
 please remember, I do love you."

#248, 02Nov95, What is the Matter?.
"I love you because you asked me 'What is the matter?' this
 morning after I read from the scriptures (and cried).  I am
 going to use this forum to answer that question.

 Last night I went to bed early feeling guilty because I
 expressed some of my disappointments to you in accusing
 questions.  As I laid there tossing and turning and crying,
 I listened to you tell Rob to clean up the living room 
 'right now,' and listened to him go in and play at the
 piano and sing very loud (seeming to say 'give me some
 more attention').  Then, much later, I heard you tell him
 to 'get upstairs and get to bed it's after 10:00.'  This
 morning as I went upstairs his lights were on and he was
 not in his bed.  I thought, why should he?  He has probably
 never made his bed one day in his life.  Why should he not
 just get a blanket and sleep on the couch?  Then I went in
 to wake Sara up, and the broken glass from the light bulb
 on Sunday was still all over her carpet waiting for the
 maid.  I had talked to her several times about cleaning it
 up (and about not sleeping with the radio on, so she can
 actually rest).  Then I went to wake up Melanie, and her
 lights were on.  Said she just fell asleep with them on. 
 Her room is piled full of garbage.  I am sure there is not
 a room among all of your students that is more cluttered
 and messy.  When I woke Paul up I tripped on wrenches and
 realized every morning as I turn on his light, I'm standing
 there in my garments for the runners to see.  Then my mind
 started to extrapolate the effect this environment will have
 on my children's spouses and my grandchildren.  Finally after 
 fixing pancakes and not being able to make orange juice,
 because I refused to go to the store last night, I read from
 I Nephi 15:4-5  'And I, (Roice), grieved because of the
   hardness of their hearts, and also, because of the 
   things which I had seen, and knew they must unavoidably
   come to pass because of the wickedness of the children
   of men.  And it came to pass that I was overcome
   because of my afflictions, for I considered that mine
   afflictions were great above all, because of the
   destruction of my people, for I had beheld their fall.'

 I'm sorry I see things through the filter I do.  This is why
 I had tears as I tried to read from the scriptures.  As I grew
 up I listened to Mom harp on Dad because he is so messy.  As
 we have discussed in the past, he doesn't see the mess.  It 
 just doesn't register.  It is a lack of training as a youth
 in discernment.  Maybe my problem is that I fear to
 disappoint her or Grandma by what I haven't taught my family.
 Or to not be accepted by those I like, like when Keith came
 and referred to the kitchen as a pig sty.  Maybe it was an
 e-mail correspondence with Sherry:
   Me:  Congratulations on having a son-in-law.  Condolences
        on the means.  I know it is terrible, but if people 
        as good as you and Gary face these challenges, maybe 
        I should accept the stuff in my life better.
   Sherry: We were surprised Nicole and Hugh eloped, not shocked.
       They seem very happy and have a lot of the same interests.
       They are planning to go to the temple, and they are both
       active in the church.  My children do not make the same
       choices I would, but I guess that is why we have our free
       agency and why we are instructed to teach them correct
       principles and let them govern themselves.
   Me: Glad to hear your reaction to Nicole and Hugh.  Guess
       that is why I have so many problems with kids and at
       home.  I have not learned to be so accepting and 
       trusting in how others use their free agency. 
 Maybe it was a brief conversation with Dr. Aronson.  
   Me: I told you I would call you when I got back.
   Him: How have things been going?
   Me: Really well.  In fact it seems that everything is going
       so well there is no real reason to get together.
   Him: Really?
 I meet with him for the 18th time tonight at 4:00 PM.  Maybe it
 is the accumulation of all of this 'stuff.'  I hope you understand
 that my problems are my problems.  I am sorry that I end up
 sharing them with you, whether it be crying reading the
 scriptures or justifying 'terrible things.'  I don't mean to.
 I only want to show you that you are loved.

 On a more positive side, I listened to a wonderful tape on my
 run, that I think you would greatly enjoy.  I am nothing like
 Ellis Reynolds Ship's husband, but I do strive to be.  I left
 it on the tape machine for you.  I do love you and wish I was
 worthy of having someone love me. 
 
#249, 03Nov95, I'm Sorry.
"I love you because you sent me an e-mail on my birthday 
 saying 'I'm sorry.'  I realize you often feel like you don't 
 care.  But the fact you said: 'I tried to unsend the email,
 but I can't when it's over the internet.  I had a very bad
 day.  I don't know what to do or say when you're crying and
 seeing everything dark and ugly.  I wish you didn't do that -
 for you as well as for me;' tells me you do too care.  So do I.
 I care more than I know how to show.  I do love you.  Even if
 it turns out to be only like the steer we have laughed (?)
 about, I will continue to try to show both you and the kids
 how much I care and how much I love both you and our children." 
 
#250, 04Nov95, Parents' Night.
"I love you because you are the mother of our children.  I
 wish you could have been at the football game last night:
 (1) to see how happy Melanie was to have some support; (2) to
 have her take hold of your arm too, as they called out our
 names, as we walked to the 45 yard line smiling for the video
 camera; and (3) to listen as both the High School and Junior
 High School bands erupt in cheers and noise.  Paul and Rob
 can really make a lot of noise, outside of the house too. 

 It is not my thing to wear both a boutonniere and a mum.  But
 maybe until you get to where you can 'care' again, I just need
 to settle down and be both the Dad and the Mom. 

 I realize that you are probably saying to yourself, as you
 read the sentence above, it would be good if I would 'just
 finally be the Dad.'  I am sorry I have not been a better
 partner up to this stage of our marriage.  I do hope you
 recognize my efforts, especially this past year, and realize
 the fact these efforts will continue and will continue to
 expand to fill, to the best of my abilities, any vacuum that
 is created by your temporarily not caring. 

 Maybe the change in my efforts is why you 'don't care much' now. 
 Not caring has finally brought some results that I didn't ever
 even recognize were missing.  Not enough results, I'm sure,
 but I believe we both recognize some positive changes in my
 behavior and reactions.  No question about the fact I still
 have a long way to go.  So does everyone I know. 

 I have started to climb the mountain of Impiwtilacfm (improving
 my personal interactions with those I love and care for most). 
 You know I like to climb mountains.  Now that I recognize it is
 in the landscape of my life, I intend to conquer it and drain
 this 'pimple on the complete map of our time-space continuum.'
 These lovelets, if nothing else, are tangible evidence of my
 footprints on this journey.  I apologize for reacting to falling
 down and skinning my pride every too often.  However, the scabs
 will soon turn to calluses and I will learn how to stand up in
 the heat of the moment.  In the meantime, be cognizant of the 
 following facts: (1) I love you; (2) there is a very large
 unconditional component to my love for you; and (3) I'm sorry my
 love is not yet completely unconditional.  In the meantime, 
 thank you for being the mother of our children." 
 
#251, 05Nov95, Gum.
"I love you because you asked me a series of specific questions
 after sacrament meeting, in a very non-judgmental way.  I was
 wrong to force Melanie to let me smell her breath on Saturday
 night, and I did apologize for opening her mouth the way I
 used to open a horses mouth that seemed to think it could keep
 me from putting on a bridle.  It was wrong for Melanie to lie 
 to me, even if it was only about when she started chewing gum
 and if it was true she was not lying about drinking beer on her
 night at the laser show.  But that does not make it right for
 me to use unrighteous dominion.  I am sorry for the example I
 set too often.  I hope you realize how hard I am trying to do
 everything right.  This is certainly too much to ask of the
 kids.  I pray some of my good qualities will get through and
 there will be someone in our family that will hear the words
 of the testimony I shared over the clamor of my actions." 
 
#252, 06Nov95, Pressure.
"I love you because you went to work today, despite the 
 tremendous pressure that you feel.  I have often found
 myself in that same boat this past few years, and I know
 how hard it is.  I am very proud of you and your efforts.
 My prayers are with you.  I hope my faith is strong
 enough to call down help from heaven to lighten your
 load and help you continue with your plan for helping
 the kids you teach.  I love you." 
 
#253, 07Nov95, Ready to Talk.
"I love you because you very succinctly said 'I'm not ready to
 talk' last night when I attempted to discuss why Sara had a
 bloody nose in the morning and generally has bruised feelings
 about being in our home and with our family.  I believe she
 is doing her job as an adolescent well (testing boundaries
 and seeking attention and love).  However, the competition for
 our attention, and particularly for your attention, between Rob 
 and Sara seems destructive.  I am sure there are lots of 
 examples of parents who have faced similar problems, and, when
 you are ready to talk, I would particularly like to discuss 
 how we could find out about and learn from others who have been
 where we are, have done it for better or for worse, and have
 the t-shirt.  We are smart enough we can learn from others. 
 At least you are, and that is one of the reasons I love you." 
 
#254, 08Nov95, Grabbed My Tie.
"I love you because you grabbed my tie, put your arms around me,
 and forced me to kiss you last night.  It was especially
 appreciated since it was just after I had corrected Robert and
 Paul.  Then I blew it this morning, attempting to complete the
 discussion of last night with Sara (since she was baby-sitting
 last night and didn't get home until after I was in bed).  It
 tears me up that I seem so incapable of teaching the things
 that mean the most to me to those I love the most.  I only want
 what is best for each member of our family.  I hope you can
 forgive me, and help me lighten up.  Thanks for your patience
 last night and this morning.  I imagine you are torn up inside.
 I am going to hide in my work tonight, but I will come home,
 and I will fix them breakfast in the morning, and I will continue
 to try, no matter how fruitless it seems.  I love them and you." 
 
#255, 09Nov95, Being the Mom.
"I love you because you, since I was leaving for work early,
 stayed home long enough this morning to make sure Rob got
 off to school OK.  The kids, both planned and unplanned,
 desperately need a Mom and a Dad.  Thanks for taking care
 of Rob.  It may be a little thing, but, as you have told me
 for years, it is the little things, like a smile and a
 little humor, that add up.  I love you." 
 
#256, 10Nov95, Iron Pills and Water.
"I love you because you let me bring you iron pills and water
 when I got home last night, even though you were already in 
 bed.  I brought you iron pills and water because I love you." 
 
#257, 11Nov95, Beef & Bird Rotisserie.
"I love you because we went to Beef & Bird Rotisserie with 
 Ken and Nell Turner.  It was a lovely evening.  Good food,
 good conversation, a little fun with the Italian guest, and
 time with friends.  I wish we spent evenings like this more
 often.  May I take the lead in doing so?

 Of course, it started off great, when I got home, tired, and
 you looked so nice in your magenta gown.  Then when I kissed
 you and you proceeded to tell me you needed to give me more
 reason than giving you iron pills and water to love you, I
 knew it would be a good evening.  Thank you.  I love you." 
 
#258, 12Nov95, The American President.
"I love you because we went to an enjoyable movie together:
 The American President.  It was very funny and well written. 
 I am sorry that the evening turned sour.  I would write
 out my perspective on what happened, but it has negative
 components and will just push buttons neither of us want
 pushed, so I will just say I am sorry for my part in
 making a pickle of the evening.  Thanks for going to the
 movie with me.  Again, I am sorry about how the  evening
 and the days since have been.  Be aware, even when there
 is unresolved hurt and anger (not necessarily just on my
 part) that I do love you." 
  
#259, 13Nov95, Sarah Jackson's Custody Hearing.
"I love you because of how you handled Sara this
 weekend.  Thanks for hearing me and taking her shopping. 
 I have seen a tremendous improvement in her attitude
 this week.  She needs time with you and to know that
 she is loved.  She needs to be told, like you told me,
 that you love her.  I feel you were right on track about
 how you handled her needing to go to her presidency
 meeting, and supporting her in going to Sarah Jackson's
 custody hearing.  I wish I could protect my kids from
 all of the ugly of the world. 

 Based on what I am told I am all that is ugly, and I am
 truly sorry I don't know how to show my love in ways
 that are acceptable.  I anticipate that in ten years, if
 I have the strength to keep plodding along the narrow
 path, that my efforts will be recognized and possibly
 even appreciated.  There is no question that I am trying
 my very best.  In the mean time I regularly say to myself:
 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never
 hurt me.'  My problem isn't the words its the emotions.

 I'm sure I am just trying too hard at the wrong things.  
 Things like attempting to get Melanie to admit she is
 running with the wrong crowd and that their drinking and
 smoking 'is,' or, in the best case, 'is going' to effect
 her.  At the judgment day, when Saturday evening is
 played back from the memories of everyone that was there,
 you will know that I did nothing wrong.  I did walk close
 to her on my way to lock the back door, and used the
 opportunity to smell her breath (or at least her letter
 jacket).  She either reacted to the previous week, or out
 of a guilty conscience.  Time will tell.  I will do my
 best to stop anticipating the worst and try to appreciate
 the good.  I believe your reaction on Sunday was possibly
 more about what happened after the movie on Saturday 
 evening than about Melanie.  But again, that will all be
 played out some day, from the facts of what happened and
 the things that happen every day between now and then.  
 Believe it or not, I know that these facts will show that
 I love Melanie and that I love you, and that this love is
 much more than my love for myself." 
 
#260, 14Nov95, Virtual Environment Technology Lab.
"I love you because you have asked how my day is and
 how work is going a couple of times recently.  In
 some ways I'm sorry if I have been too optimistic
 in the past.  In other ways I hope I never become
 callused and believing things will fail before I
 start exploring a new possibility.  Maybe the 
 exploring instinct is a key part of what makes up
 me.  I'm sure that this is one of the reasons I am
 so excited about the VETL (Virtual Environment 
 Technology Laboratory) and the potential to have 
 an exclusive from the University of Houston and 
 NASA to use the lab to show and tell geotechnical
 projects.  I do believe there is a nice business
 opportunity here, even if it is simply renting out
 time to use VETL to present interpretation results.
 I've been attempting to print out the proposal so
 you can look at it and determine for yourself if
 my optimism is justified.  

 We (Terry Smith, John Amason, Keith Rawlinson, and 
 myself) still have a proposal out on the Knowledge
 Backbone, and that also has tremendous potential. 
 It will be the middle of December before we know if
 it is a go or not.  In addition, the work I did on
 the salt caverns has generated a lot of interest. 
 The principals have gone to their client in Paris
 to see if they can get me on a retainer, dedicated
 to working some portion of my time on solving these
 kind of problems. 

 I realize there is some financial uncertainty with
 HyperMedia, and I am sorry it has worried you.  I
 have always provided, and I will always continue to
 provide sufficient for our families needs.  I
 believe that any one of these three projects have
 the potential to provide much more than our needs.

 Maybe on Monday, when you are out of school, you could
 go with me to see a presentation of the salt cavern
 project, meet some guys I am working with on an oil
 and gas exploration program, and visit the VETL.  Over
 time, the VETL can become your own personal holodeck,
 if you find it interesting and tell me what world you
 want me to simulate for you.  Please recognize that I
 will do this because I do love you, which is the same
 reason I send these lovelets." 
 
#261, 15Nov95, Heimlich Maneuver.
"I love you because you helped Rob get through the
 embarrassing event of getting a chicken nugget stuck
 in his throat and having the security guard do the 
 Heimlich Maneuver to save his life.  Isn't it wonderful
 that he was not hurt.  I have tried to tell him that,
 but the fact he got you on the phone, and his limited
 conversation with me, says that you are the one that
 was really there for him.  Thanks for being the Mom. 
 I love you." 
 
#262, 16Nov95, Ride to Seminary for the Girls.
"I love you because you gave the girls a ride to
 seminary this morning.  I realize it was an
 inconvenience, but maybe it is a good way to teach
 them to get ready on time.  Would you be willing to
 regularly do this, when they won't or don't get ready
 on time?  I guess I can take them too, and that my
 routine does not need to be so set and machine like. 
 Please forgive me for being ordered, and remember 
 the good things coming from the way I work.  Remember
 the positive feelings you seem to have felt from these
 regular lovelets to tell you the fact I love you." 
 
#263, 17Nov95, Reproving.
"I love you because you reproved me this morning.  I
 doubt if you even know you did, and that is the way
 reproving should be done, unlike how I have done it
 to this point of our marriage.  I said something like:
 'Why institute a boundary when there is no one home to
 enforce it' you reproved me saying: 'Are you saying
 I should be home?'  I absolutely do not believe you
 should give up doing things that are important to you
 outside the home.  I do believe we need to make
 allowances and do a better job of supporting you as 
 you find what is important to you and as you find
 fulfillment in your life.  I am so sorry that my
 comment came across that I think you should quit your
 chosen course as a teacher.

 However, I am not convinced that teaching 9th graders
 is providing you the fulfillment you need as an
 individual.  I do believe you can find that peace and
 joy through teaching, and I would love to be able to
 help you explore different teaching options that can
 be more fulfilling than what you presently are faced
 with.   It is just a fact, that the transition from
 being home full-time to being home only in the
 evenings with having lots of grading and preparation
 to do is going to take time for everyone to adjust to. 
 Add onto this the fact that none of us multiprocess
 well, and maybe we can understand the raw feelings
 that were being expressed in 'undertone' this morning.  

 Yesterday Keith Rawlinson called and said 'I want 5
 minutes dedicated time.  I notice that when you are
 multiprocessing you are not nearly as coherent as
 when you focus on the conversation.  Isn't it a fact
 people are not made to do more than one thing at a
 time?'  Needless to say it pushed all kinds of
 buttons, and he got his dedicated half-hour.  His
 comments made me realize that for our entire marriage
 I have been multiprocessing, and particularly keeping
 my work in short-term memory.  I am sorry. 

 Thank you for putting up with me as long as you have. 
 I hope that, like the two leaves we picked at Dr. 
 Joseph Racheal's building have turned into a lovely
 hanging basket in the greenhouse, that we will see
 love for each other grow and find the beauty in how
 we are intertwined with each other.  I do love you." 
 
#264, 18Nov95, Sequels Suck.
"I love you because you, like me, like new things.  You
 summarized my reaction to Latter-Day Night Live and to
 the new James Bond movie Goldeneye with your comment:
 'sequels suck.'  Certainly, in terms of the two pieces
 of entertainment we went to last night, they did not
 have the impact that the original James Bond movies or
 the first Latter-Day Night Live had.  Maybe our interest
 in the new and unexplored shows that we have more in
 common than either of us often think we have.  Whatever
 the case turns out in 10 years, we share at least one
 common fact: 'I love you.'" 
 
#265, 19Nov95, Worldwide Young Women's Celebration.
"I love you because you did not discourage me or the girls
 relative to attending the Worldwide Young Women's
 Celebration.  I am not sure what the issue is with Sara,
 but even she seemed to enjoy the presentation.  It was
 extremely well done.  You would have loved the singing of
 Elizabeth Bingham.  It was absolutely wonderful.  Melanie
 sat by me and let me put my arm around her.  I thought it
 turned out to be quite good, except for Sara's anger.  
 Thanks again for helping her.  I love you." 
 
#266, 20Nov95, Shell New Jersey.
"I love you because you are concerned about where we are
 at financially.  I agree that there is nothing wrong with
 focusing on getting finances in shape over the next few
 months.  I believe this is coming together quite nice. 
 It will be nice to have the unexpected money from Shell.
 I tested Todd Stahli, believe he genuinely wants me to
 help with his project, and is not just creating work for
 a member of the church.  It will be interesting to see how
 this first session goes, and whether it makes any sense 
 to do the same thing at the other places he has set up.
 
 I am very sorry that you have been worried about whether
 there is going to be an ongoing income stream.  Dave
 Agerwal gave a proposal to a guy on Thursday that he
 expects to generate $3,000 per month for Walden 3-D for
 the next six months.  I know we need three times that much
 to run our operation, in the way we have become accustomed
 too, but it is the nice beginnings of a solid long-term
 basis.  Please do not worry.  If you are worried, buy some
 disability insurance and some more life insurance, because
 those are the only reason I would not make sure the family
 has sufficient money for our needs.  I don't do as well 
 with respect to quality and fun time, but I am attempting
 to work on improving here also.  Why?  Because I love you." 
 
#267, 21Nov95, Self-Conscious.
"I love you because you made sure I know the difference
 between saying you have an obsession about your body
 and that you are just self-conscious.  I do not 
 understand!  However, in a brief conversation with
 Rhonda she made sure I heard her say that almost all
 women are self-conscious about their bodies.  I guess
 if my love meant anything to you, you could possibly 
 then be satisfied with the fact that I think your
 body is wonderful.  However, this is not the case yet.
 In the meantime, remember I love you." 
 
#268, 22Nov95, Travel.
"I love you because you helped get Roice here for the
 Thanksgiving trip from UT, made sure Ben had a ride
 down from A&M, have said that Melanie and Paul will
 miss the game if they were going to be required to
 go there, and will be a steady stabling force in 
 helping get everyone out to Utah with a reasonably
 good attitude.  Thanks.  This trip and the Christmas
 trip are important to me.  I want my Dad to know I
 love him and this is one of the ways I can think of
 to show this to him.  Thanks again, I love you too." 
 
#269, 23Nov95, Thanksgiving Dinner.
"I love you because you are going to help pull together
 a Thanksgiving Dinner.  Dad is doing the Turkey, Sara
 is doing salads, Grandma Hafen has made 6 pies which we
 will pick up in St. George (she won't come down), and
 I expect you and I to fill in the gaps.  Thanks in 
 advance for your help.  It is one of the thousands (or
 is it millions) of reasons why I love you." 
 
#270, 24Nov95, Cedar City Sunsets and a Sunrise.
"I love you because you asked me if I wanted to go look
 at the sunset from our lot on Leigh Hill on Thursday 
 evening after Thanksgiving Dinner.  You asked in a kind
 of round-about way, and it took me a while to register
 what you were asking.  Sorry I can be so slow.  It was
 very enjoyable to visit the lot with you, to talk about
 if and where trees might be planted, what kind of house
 we want to build, how nice the new Stake Center looks,
 etc.  Thanks for asking me.  I'm sorry it wasn't a 
 better sunset on Thursday.  I hope I didn't spoil the
 feeling by inviting Diane and Chuck to go up with us on
 Friday.  The sunset was nicer Saturday - from the farm - 
 and the sunrise on Sunday was beautiful.  All in all, it
 was wonderful to share Cedar City sunsets and a sunrise
 with the person I most love; to share them with you." 
 
#271, 25Nov95, Our House.
"I love you because you referred to "our house" in a
 passing conversation, caught yourself, and pointed 
 out to me what you had said about your feelings about
 building a house in Cedar City.  Thanks.  I love you." 
 
#272, 26Nov95, Lloyd and Luana's Farewell.
"I love you because we went as a family to Uncle Lloyd
 and Aunt Luana's farewell for their mission to Pakistan.
 I felt a good spirit there, and it was great to have all
 of our children with us.  Also to go as a family to 
 visit with all of the relatives at their house after
 the farewell.  All in all I felt it was a wonderful
 experience for our whole family.  Thanks for helping
 make it all come together.  I love you." 
 
#273, 27Nov95, Wrong Turn.
"I love you because of the metaphor fun we had at the
 service station in Las Vegas; i.e.:

 I said, "Where did you go?"
 You said, "I made a wrong turn."
 I said, "It's good to have you back."
 You said, "Are you speaking metaphorically?"

 My answer is that I felt a oneness on our trip that 
 hasn't been there for a long time.  Welcome back and
 please always remember I love you." 
 
#274, 28Nov95, Santa Claus.
"I love you because you like to collect Santa Clauses.
 It was fun to see your reaction to the gift of the
 Santa Claus made by Margie Starr.  I hope and pray
 you will always have and show the childlike joy that
 filled your eyes as you looked at her beautiful work
 of art.  Your blue eyes looking at the painted blue
 eyes and the blue cape.  I love you." 
 
#275, 29Nov95, Red Nightgown.
"I love you because you bought a slinky, smooth to the
 touch, flattering, red nightgown.  I guess you knew 
 (or is it feared) it would turn my engine on.  Thanks
 for racing my motor, even if you feel you are not a
 loving person.  You are!  I knew it when I watched you
 play with your Pekinese Dogs when we were first dating.
 It is hard to feel you are a loving person when one 
 has strong negative feelings about one's mother, about
 mistakes one's mate has made, and about one's self.  I
 know, because I am in the same place.  However, despite
 all of the wreckage along our road of life, my engine
 continues to run and I continue to love you." 
 
#276, 30Nov95, Chassis.
"I love you because you made sure I understood that I
 am the one with the motor and you have a chassis.  As
 I told you then, I love your chassis and it races my
 motor." 
 
#277, 01Dec95, Predictable.
"I love you because you told me that sometimes my
 being predictable is nice.  I wish it were always
 nice, and that I did nothing that caused you to be
 upset.  When you don't like the structure and the
 pattern of doing things that surround me, please
 tell me and I will try to change because I do love you." 
 
#278, 02Dec95, Kinko's Kwik Copy.
"I love you because you knew where to go to get the notes 
 for my presentation for Shell in Santa Barbara printed.
 It was the first time I've been in that Kinko's Kwik
 Copy, and it is an impressive store.  Thanks for the
 help and for waiting for me while I got cash at the bank
 and went and picked up mail.  I love you." 
 
#279, 03Dec95, See Ya.
"I love you because you recognized humor in giving me
 a passionate good-bye kiss and then looking up with
 your big beautiful blue eyes, as your hands reached for
 your harp, and saying, 'See ya.'  In case you don't know
 yet, I will always do my best to be there when you want
 to give me one of those kisses and hugs.  And when you
 want some space, just tell me.  Thanks and I love you." 
 
#280, 04Dec95, Be Home When Kids Get Home.
"I love you because you have recently expressed an
 interest, a couple of times, to be home when the kids
 get home from school. 

 As I told you last time you said these words, I feel
 it is important for you to finish your year of teaching. 
 You agreed.  In the meantime, I intend to do my best to
 be at the house at 3:00 in the afternoons during the
 week.  It will not be possible to always do this, but
 hopefully it will be enough to redirect some of the
 feelings and emotions that are going on now, specifically
 with Rob and Sara.  Guess there is always the possibility 
 feelings will just get worse and that I will blow being
 at home more in some way or another.  I hope and pray
 this won't be the case.  However, today, for instance, I
 have an appointment with Dr. Aronson at 4:15, and I will
 be at the house at 3:00 and will encourage Sara to go with
 me.  My hope is that he would be able to draw out some of
 the anger and upset she is feeling.  I'm sorry in advance
 I didn't ask your opinion prior to doing this.  The
 thought just came to mind this afternoon, and he leaves for
 a few weeks of vacation after today.

 I fully realize that 'in the meantime' could be the rest
 of the time we have kids at home, and please know that if
 this is the case it is fine with me.  I would much rather
 see you teaching than have you home, locked in the bedroom
 reading a book and not willing to talk with kids when they
 come home.  In a lot of ways I think the teaching has been
 really good for you and for our family.  Please know I love
 you and I want to support you in what you want to do." 
 
#281, 05Dec95, Advanced Structures Incorporated.
"I love you because you have not given me a bad time
 about my investments in things like Dad's farm bills
 and Advanced Structures Incorporated.  On the way 
 through L.A. from Santa Barbara to the airport
 yesterday, I stopped by ASI and had lunch with Mic and
 TJ.  They are really doing some neat stuff.  They have
 built tent structures for restaurants, pavilions, etc. 
 The 17 story basketball arena pyramid is finished. 
 They have 24 active jobs, 20 employees, $900,000+ in 
 receivables, and are working really, really hard.  The
 only bad part is they have no cash and are having a
 significant cash crunch this month and next.  However,
 I am sure they will find a way through this 'crisis.'
 I am also convinced we made a good investment, which
 will be returned with interest.  Thanks for your silent
 support.  I recognized you are not against me in
 regards to these investments, and this is another one
 of the many reason why I love you." 
 
#282, 06Dec95, Alma Law.
"I love you because we have Alma Law staying with us
 as he waits to go to Utah for Christmas and prior to
 his mission.  I feel Alma has brought a good spirit
 into our home, and hope that his staying with us will
 turn out to be a good experience for everyone.  Thanks
 for insisting on his staying.  I'm sure Margie and
 Larry are very appreciative.  I am and I love you." 
 
#283, 07Dec95, Rumpelstiltskin.
"I love you because you have named the Rumpelstiltskin
 of your life.  I was reading a book this morning as you
 left and more specifically a chapter about the impact
 of negligent fathers.  As I integrated the last few
 years with the words on the page, I realized that you
 are well along the healing process the author talk about. 

 The chapter talks about how easy it is for an individual
 to be passive and to live the dreams and wishes of
 someone else, burying their own strength because of
 personal insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.  Quoting
 from the book: '. . . when one becomes conscious that
 one's indulgence in weakness is really a defiant refusal
 to accept one's strength, . . ., one realizes that the
 refusal to accept strength is . . . a prideful clinging
 to one's own ego-power.'  Naming the evil elf allows
 an individual to hold onto their strength and not
 follow the usual patterns of 'fleeing or withdrawing or
 adapting or rebelling.'  The chapter concludes talking
 about how patient understanding allows the process of
 self-transformation to give up on 'dependence, innocence,
 and powerlessness and to accept the strength that is
 already there.'

 How does all of this relate to why I love you?  Your
 strength was shown in not letting Rob's temper tantrum
 pull you into the middle of 'our discussion.'  Your
 asking if I 'needed to cuddle' showed your inner strength.
 I am very proud of how far you have come, and hope that
 I will be able to make the same kind of improvements.
 I believe you know I am trying, mostly because I love you
 and want to be with you through all eternity." 
 
#284, 08Dec95, I'm Not Asleep.
"I love you because you know me so well.  I said, 'I have
 a problem,' and you responded 'I'm not asleep.'  I know
 how tired you have been, and I'm sorry you couldn't sleep.
 Hopefully you will be able to catch up on your rest this
 weekend.  I will do my best to keep the rugrats away.

 You looked so professional and efficient as you graded
 papers at the kitchen table and when you came into the
 bedroom and told me about Melanie's cheer leading meet on
 Saturday.  I know you sometimes don't allow yourself to
 see your strengths, but you are, in many ways, a pillar
 of strength for me.  Another reason why I love you." 
 
#285, 09Dec95, ChopStix.
"I love you because you spent the evening with me, even
 though you were very tired.  It was wonderful to watch
 you and to listen to you play the harp at Paul's Christmas
 band concert.  Then it was wonderful to show you off to my
 friends at the Geophysical Society of Houston.  It is so
 fun to watch you spar with the likes of Wulf Massell and
 Fred Hilterman, and to finally be able to introduce you to
 Pam Moore.  Then you let me take you to General Joe's 
 ChopStix for your dinner.  A little nicer than McDonalds,
 and a lot better fortune cookies.  I strongly believe one
 is rich as soon as they realize what is sufficient for
 their needs, and we have reached that point.  I also am
 optimistic that each of our kids will make us proud, not
 just any specific one.  Thanks for letting me rub your
 neck on the way home. Thanks for the evening.  I love you." 
 
#286, 10Dec95, Grading.
"I love you because you are working so hard to get your
 grading done and in on time.  It is fulfilling to me
 to see you have a job you want to accomplish and to see
 you working on it.  I'm too accomplishment oriented, 
 and I'm sorry if this offends you.  Guess it is sort
 of like attempting to convince you I love you. (|-)}" 
 
#287, 11Dec95, Amazons, Women-Haters, and Negotiation.
"I love you because I love you.

 This fact doesn't mean I can't be hurt and disappointed
 and lash out.  It doesn't mean I am anything other than
 I am, probably classifiable as a 'woman-hater'
 (unpredictable and undependable), reacting in too many
 ways to an 'amazon' mother.  There is no question that we
 came together because we met each others needs.  And
 there is no question this fact is no longer the case. 
 You have 'grown up' and no longer want someone to set a
 framework for your life.  I am still expecting that if I
 make 'superhuman' efforts (doing [my perception of] your
 job as well as my job) you will come around and start to
 contribute to 'our' [my] marriage.  Guess it is sort of
 like seminary.  I should have got Roice and Ben's
 graduation awards.  And the cycle continues today. 

 A 'friend' said to me last night before the concert: 'How is
 the stake missionary calling working out?  I question if I
 could ever do that calling.  Why?  Because the church has
 brought me nothing but pain, both in my marriage and in the
 lives of my children.  How could I wish that on anyone else?'
 But then he talked about his feelings about his mission and the
 atonement, and invalidated the above comments.  However, his
 words caused the wounds in my heart to start to bleed again.

 Your words about negotiation yesterday afternoon were right on 
 track.  I recognize I do not know how to negotiate, at work, 
 with kids, or with you.  I just give everybody what they want
 and then burn myself out trying to meet what too often appears
 to me as negative personal characteristics, regretting my 
 unwillingness to set boundaries to my machismo self-flagellation. 
 Given the existing background, these words, my feelings, and your
 feelings, I would like to enter into 'negotiations' with you. 
 You can decide if there needs to be an arbitrator or if we can
 start this process on our own.  Suggested items for negotiation:
     1.  'Our' marriage, yes or no.
     2.  If yes, our individual contribution.
     3.  If no, the plan of dissolution.

 You are probably in as much or more pain than I am.  There
 is no question about the fact that I do not understand your
 pain nor the basis of your pain.  I do not understand 'what
 you have to put up with' any more than you seem to understand
 'what I have to put up with.'  I love you too much to keep
 things going as they presently are.  Let me know the time and
 place for the negotiations, as well as your suggestions for
 additional topics.  I love you." 

#288, 12Dec95, Crying.
"I love you because you answered me this morning.  When
 asked 'Why were you crying last night?', you said, 
 'Because of us.'  Repeating what I said to you in
 response, 'It is nice to know that you care.'  I am
 sorry you were sad and crying, but I have great joy
 that the results of our 'negotiations' have a better
 upside chance than I have felt they would the last few
 days.  It was especially important to me to know that
 you were not crying because of what I wrote, in my hurt
 and shame and self-pity, yesterday.  In other words, I'm
 glad you didn't check your mail last night.  I love you
 and now look forward to talking with you, when you want to." 
 
#289, 13Dec95, Typing.
"I love you because you typed Sara's long essay paper
 last night.  You were tired, but she came to you (I
 had a bit of jealousy because I also can type) and you
 immediately got up and went and started on the project.
 Then when the computer bombed you did it over, and even
 said you wanted me to take the disk to the office this
 morning and print it.  Thanks for needing me.  Thanks
 for doing the dishes last night and making the bed this
 morning.  Thanks for agreeing to go on a date with me
 this evening.  I think we will enjoy it.  I love you." 
 
#290, 14Dec95, Sense and Sensibility.
"I love you because you were willing to go on a date with
 me during the middle of the week.  I love you because you
 'assumed' we were going to the movie Sense and Sensibility
 because you said 'you (Roice) knew I (Marti) would like it.' 
 I hope you can see that I want you to be able to enjoy what
 you like.  I love you because you remind me of the star of
 the movie and she was a good person in this movie.  In fact,
 compared to most of the 'love story movies' and their
 emphasis on sexual indiscretion this was an absolutely
 wonderful movie (maybe I should have lived in the 1800's!). 
 I love you because you wanted to be held last night." 
 
#291, 15Dec95, Tithing Settlement.
"I love you because you take care of tithing settlement.
 I have wondered if I am just abdicating my responsibilities
 for the sake of peace, or what I can do to be more involved
 in helping with the finances.  I truly do not know.  If there
 is anything I can do to lessen your burden please tell me.
 I love you and I want to be involved and not just a paycheck." 
 
#292, 16Dec95, Barnes & Noble.
"I love you because went to Barnes & Noble together and
 listened to Paul play saxophone with his friends.  It
 was a fun evening, looking at books and falling asleep
 in one of their reading chairs.  Dinner wasn't so go at
 The Red Lobster, but the company was great.  I love you." 
 
#293, 17Dec95, Schmidt's Christmas Party.
"I love you because you played the harp at the Schmidt's
 Christmas Party, even though you didn't feel like it.
 It was especially fun to sit in back of you and watch
 people's eyes as they watched you, enjoyed the music,
 and were impressed with how talented you are.  I know
 it was hard to do, and I am sorry it was a hard evening. 
 I did my best not to add to your concerns because I do
 love you." 
 
#294, 18Dec95, The Box.
"I love you because you watched 'The Box' with me last
 night.  I thought it was a pretty good movie, although
 it is interesting how we come to expect the media to
 play on our emotional heartstrings.  I thought your
 reaction to the ending ('and she decided to give us
 her house') was wonderful.  You are so incisive in
 your thinking, and so quick to identify an incoherent
 story line.  Wish I didn't give you so much material
 to practice on.  I love you." 
 
#295, 19Dec95, Listened To Me.
"I love you because you listened to me this morning as I
 strived to express my frustration and perception of the
 sneaking that goes on in our house.  Thank you.  I am
 sorry I do not always speak so you can listen.  I am 
 trying my best to do so, so please help me like you did
 this morning.  I love you." 
 
#296, 20Dec95, You Look Nice.
"I love you because you look nice.  It was fun watching
 you admire yourself (subconsciously) in the mirror last
 night.  You were glowing!  Might be because you caught
 the Christmas spirit.  Might be because you are just
 beautiful and you look nice.  It is interesting Wulf
 stopped at the workstation cubical to tell me how glad
 he was to see you at the GSH party the other night.  His
 words were: 'Roice, she is really beautiful!  She gets
 better looking as she gets older!  I just wanted to grab
 her and hug her (wrapping his arms around himself).  Tell
 her I told you, you had better watch out for me!'  See! 
 I'm not alone!  To think, I was almost beginning to think
 I am crazy.  I am not!  You look nice and I love you." 
 
#297, 21Dec95, Reader.
"I love you because you are a reader.  However, if it is
 true that we become what we read, I had better start
 watching my backside. Attempted humor aside, I have
 always thought it wonderful that you like books as much
 or more than I do.  I love you." 
 
#298, 22Dec95, Boyce's Night Out.
"I love you because we had a 'Christmas experience'
 together and yet apart last night with the Boyce's
 night out.  I'm sorry the bowling didn't turn out as
 planned, but maybe we could do it after we get back
 with both families.  They seemed to both like the idea
 of doing something together.

 As we were waiting to be seated at Marco's, I sat by
 Sara, who had been really complaining all night, and
 said, 'I'm just trying to turn a lemon into lemonade.' 
 She was a doll the from then until we got home.  I think
 that Amy, Rachel, and Gretchen enjoyed themselves.  They
 seemed awfully quiet at the house, and I'm sure the first
 Christmas after the divorce is hard.  However, we can't
 change that and I feel like it turned out to be a
 successful evening. 

 Thank you and please know how much I love you." 
 
#299, 23Dec95, Suitcase.
"I love you because you bought me a new suitcase for
 a Christmas present.  It was a lot of fun to watch 
 you be excited and to dance around.  I am sorry I was
 so tired and that it was hard for me to show excitement.
 I am very pleased.  Thank you and know I love you." 
 
#300, 24Dec95, Christmas Eve.
"I love you because we are still married on Christmas
 Eve 1995.  My commitment is eternal, for better or
 for worse, for richer or for poorer, and I hope that
 I have shown this to you, especially over the last
 year.  I love you because you have me read the
 Christmas story each Christmas Eve and I know this
 event, the birth of our Savior, also means a lot to
 you.  I wish you could say that you love me, but in
 the meantime I love you." 
 
#301, 25Dec95, Christmas Day 1995.
"I love you because we are the unique Roice and Marti
 team in the whole world.  Thanks for coming to Utah
 with me and for encouraging our kids to come with us.

 I want to do the right thing, and when we do something
 together I strongly feel is right, like support my 
 Dad in his fight against cancer, I have tremendous
 hope for our future.  I am sorry I can get so deeply
 discouraged.  I will do my best not to get so down
 this next year.  After all, I do feel God loves me,
 answers my prayers, and that, thanks to the sacrifice
 of His Son, even I will be forgiven of my mistakes and
 sins.  I do appreciate your influence in getting me to
 look at myself this last year and to take the hard
 steps to make serious efforts to be a better husband, a
 better father, a better friend, and a better person.
 I recognize I have a long ways yet to go

 Maybe I am just fooling myself, but I do feel there has
 been significant improvement since last Christmas. 
 Thanks for being a catalyst change.  As Ammon said: 'I
 do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom;
 but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with
 joy, and I will rejoice in my God.'  I am sorry it has
 been painful for you and for me.  I still get too
 morose, and I continue to need you to help pull me out
 of my caves of self-pity.  However, when I sit back and
 look at us, at our children, at the things I am doing
 and accomplishing at church and at work, I feel like
 'a finely tuned instrument of the Lord.'  I will try to
 look at this past year as simply been part of the
 on-going instrument tuning process.

 I wish you a very happy Christmas and a merry New Year.
 I hope you are coming to know, in your heart and in
 your bones, how much I love you." 
 
#302, 26Dec95, Exhibitionist.
"I love you because you never get upset when I do things
 like rip up a pair of pants taking apart an old barb wire
 fence, and you even laughed when asked what you thought
 of your husband being an exhibitionist.  I love you." 
 
#303, 27Dec95, Grandma's.
"I love you because you we had such a good day visiting our
 'Grandma's.'  Grandma Hafen was very excited about having 
 someone come and have lunch with her.  It was so special to
 meet Todd Staheli's Grandma, have her throw her arms around
 me, then come over and talk to us, and to see how well she
 handled her husband Clive with 'Well I'm not going' and his
 response 'What did you say?' and her smile and 'I love you.'
 Then to visit Lloyd and Luana and to have such a good visit
 and on the way home to have Paul say, 'Aunt Luana is the
 perfect Grandma.  A group of 20 people show up unexpectedly
 and instantly there is food everywhere and she has such a
 wonderful smile.'  I love you because I believe you will
 provide that same kind of excitement and smile for our
 Grandchildren.  Thank you now for what will surely be." 
 
#304, 28Dec95, Manti Temple.
"I love you because I thought about you all the way to
 the Manti Temple and back.  You asked why I gave you
 the tape of love songs again, and since you didn't
 seem to be interested in it I took the tape with me
 to listen to as I made the three hour drive from Cedar
 to Manti go through the temple with Alma Law and Todd
 Staheli and then back.  I listened to the tape twice
 on the way to Manti. 

 As the tape started to play 'Sunrise,' the sky lit up,
 just past Beaver, and so I pulled over and video taped
 the sunrise as the song played in the car cassette player.
 I have always loved you, even if I haven't shown it and 
 haven't known how to tell you so you believe me.  That 
 moment was a wonderful experience, because the sky was so
 pretty with the oranges and reds against the blues, with
 the sage brush and the snow drifts, the shadows and the
 songs words:
    'Like my love,
     Who's there by my side,
     And shows me the right side of a smile,'
 The double meaning:
    'The Son will come,
     The sun will shine,' 
 And the hope and prayer:
    'And we our road will find.'

 When I got to the temple at 9:45 I discovered Alma was
 scheduled to go through at 10:30, but went through at 9:30. 
 I was sitting in the waiting room reading the 93rd section
 of the D&C when Todd Staheli came in and it was neat to see
 a friend and not feel so alone.  We had a good time and a
 wonderful discussion about spiritual things.  As we came
 downstairs we saw Alma by the front entrance and waved him
 back to us.  After changing, I put some names in the prayer
 box, and as we were leaving asked if Alma and Todd could be
 shown the one of the spiral staircases.  It was a neat 
 experience for both of them.

 I took some 3-D pictures and video tape of Alma in front of
 the Manti temple, and relished the moment.  Then Todd took
 Alma and I out to lunch (I intended to, but Todd beat me to
 the bill) and we had a good discussion about Alma's plans. 
 Alma was very appreciative of the rain coat.  Thanks for
 giving it to him from us.  I decided I wasn't going to
 listen to the tape on the way back to Cedar and so I loaned
 it to Todd.  I didn't turn on the radio, I just looked at the
 scenery, sang songs to myself, and thought about how much I
 love you (and how much I feel alone)." 
 
#305, 29Dec95, Nelson Cabin.
"I love you because you were willing to stick with me
 as we took snowmobiles and the rental van up Right Hand
 Canyon, across the Kolob Plateau, and up to the entrance
 to the 'Nelson Cabin.'  I was please with how the whole
 experience turned out.  I realize it could have turned
 into a real problem if there would have been an accident
 or a hard snow.  My prayers were answered and hopefully
 we created some positive lasting memories.  Thanks for
 helping make it a success.  I love you." 
 
#306, 30Dec95, Red Tailed Hawk.
"I love you because you were so much fun to follow as
 we rode on the snowmobiles, and especially because of
 how excited you were to see a Red Tailed Hawk sweep
 down in front of us as we drove of the mountain.  Your
 expression, body reaction, smile, and excitement all
 showed in an instant why I love you." 
 
#307, 31Dec95, Recursive Processes.
"I love you because of your words after Sunday's Gospel
 Doctrine lesson summarizing the New Testament as:
   'This is life eternal to know thee, the only true God,
    And Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.'
 It was wonderful to hear you talk 'Escher, Bach, and Godel'
 ('It is a recursive process: what we do; how we are blessed;
 God's love; and forgiveness.  The question is where do you
 enter the circle.'  Etc.).  You are so smart, and you have
 significant insights.  Hopefully you will also realize how
 much I love you." 
 
#308, 01Jan96, Grand Airways.
"I love you because you took in stride the delays and
 problems associated with taking a 'cheap' flight on
 Grand Airways.  Your attitude was wonderful, and it
 rubbed off on the children.  What could have been a
 lemon of an experience was lemonade, largely thanks
 to you.  Thanks.  I love you." 
 
#309, 02Jan96, Sara to Work.
"I love you because you were on the phone shortly after
 you got up, making sure Sara was OK, and seeing if she
 needed a ride home, since I brought Sara to work in
 response to her fit about not being able to go to Sarah
 Jackson's house at 2:30 AM the morning after we got back.
 I felt it turned out OK, and I love you for your support." 
 
#310, 03Jan96, Bed & Dinner.
"I love you because you made the bed Wednesday morning,
 then you went to the grocery store on the way home from
 work, and you had a nice dinner.  Instead of Bed &
 Breakfast, it was Bed & Dinner.  Thank you.  Your
 efforts were appreciated by me.  I love you." 
 
#311, 04Jan96, Resolutions.
"I love you because you made the bed again this morning.
 As I look back to last New Years and your 'secret
 resolution' to stop eating red meat, I have the impression
 there are new resolutions.  I understand if: (1) this is
 not true; and (2) you do not want to talk to me about
 it.  It is neat that you have made it a year without red
 meat, and isn't it wonderful how these resolutions can
 become a habit.  I have shared my resolutions (Personal
 Mission Statement), and hope that my positive efforts can
 be recognized by me and you and our children, and also
 become habits.  I hope my attempt to revamp habits helps
 you and are useful to what you wish to do with your life. 
 I say this because I love you, want you to find what gives
 you fulfillment, and want to be a help not a hindrance." 
 
#312, 05Jan96, Toy Story.
"I love you because you went to Toy Story with me.  Wasn't
 it wonderful.  The stuff I'm playing with at the VETL has
 the potential to provide virtual playgrounds for our
 grandchildren full of all of the characters in the story,
 plus a lot more.  It was fun to see you amazed at the
 texture mapping and fascinated with the movie.  I love you." 
 
#313, 06Jan96, Dallas Temple.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I drove to,
 attended, and came back from the Dallas Temple with
 Matt Reynolds and Kirt Williams.  Both on the way up 
 and back we listened to the Dramatized History of the
 Church tapes.  They really are very good, and I find
 them very faith promoting.  The only negative is that
 Orson Scott Card has tied in a lot of today's buzz words
 into the narrative (feminist stuff, etc.).  However,
 this gives relevance to history, which probably justifies
 taking history out of context. 

 On the way to Dallas they asked about my early history
 in the church and it was fun to tell Matt and Kirk about
 Corvallis and Denver.  At the temple, Kirk baptized Matt
 for 6 of his ancestors, and I thought of your words about
 how wonderful the teachings of the gospel are about
 saving our ancestors, and about all of the names that you
 have collected that we will have the opportunity to do the
 work for at some time.  As we waited for Matt to do the
 initatory work so that we could do the endowments, I
 thought that now is the time to submit all of your names
 and to bring our youngest four children to Dallas to do
 the baptisms for them.

 As I sat through the endowment for John Hale, born in
 1864, and probably Matt's Great Grandfather, I thought of
 my mission to England and I thought of the dedication of
 the Dallas Temple and our being moved from that very room
 into the Celestial  Room in direct answer to a prayer and
 to fasting.  As we drove back down to Houston, I missed you,
 and particularly being able to reach over and rub your neck
 as I drove.  I love you." 
 
#314, 07Jan96, Eyes, Revisited.
"I love you because you looked into my eyes and said 
 'you have beautiful eyes.'  Remember way back on 28Feb95
 when I wrote 'I love you because your eyes sparkle, and
 are the diamonds of my life.'?  That was #1.  This is 
 the first time since then I remember you saying something
 spontaneous and positive about me.  Thank you for: Eyes,
 Revisited.  Maybe there is room for hope.  After all this
 is #314 and we are still struggling through life together. 
 And as I responded, 'your eyes are much more beautiful
 than mine.'  Please believe me, and know I love you." 
 
#315, 08Jan96, I'm Glad You Were Here.
"I love you because you rolled down the window and said
 'I'm glad you were here this morning.'  I'm sorry the
 battery on the Caravan was dead.  To put my response in
 writing, after apologizing for being in Florida tonight
 and tomorrow, 'I will always be here, as long as I am
 alive.'  Isn't that what I committed to when we went to
 the St. George Temple together on 05Sep73?  I love you." 
 
#316, 09Jan96, Emotional Intelligence.
"I love you because you gave me the book 'Emotional
 Intelligence' for a Christmas present.  It is wonderful!
 Let me quote two of dozens of insights in the first few
 chapters that I have read:
   'Only in recent years has there emerged a scientific
    model of the emotional mind that explains how so
    much of what we do can be emotionally driven - how
    we can be so reasonable at one moment and so
    irrational the next - and the sense in which
    emotions have their own reasons and their own logic.'
 and:
   'The emotional mind is far quicker than the rational
    springing into action without pausing even a moment
    to consider what it is doing.  Its quickness precludes
    the deliberate, analytic reflection that is the
    hallmark of the thinking mind.'

 I am sure I will be sharing insights gained over the coming
 weeks, and I hope you find them as useful as I think they
 are and will be.  Maybe we can come to understand each other
 better.  There is nothing I want more.  I love you." 
 
#317, 10Jan96, Matt Reynolds' Painting.
"I love you because of the joy you expressed when looking
 at the oil painting Matt Reynolds gave me.  You asked
 what the painting was of.  It is from a book of
 photographic scenes in China that Grandma Haven gave me.
 As I write this, I find it fascinating that Matt, who 
 went on the Buffalo River Trip with Roice and I, choose
 that scene to paint, and then to give me the painting. 
 Guess we never know what will have an impact on others
 and what will become special to someone else.

 Hopefully - over the years - we have developed, and,
 hopefully, will continue to develop 'a secret language
 no one else understands.'  A way of knowing 'life is
 more fun and interesting together,' even though we know
 we 'can live very well without each other.'  Your words
 describe more than romance, they describe why I love you
 and why you are the river of my life." 
 
#318, 11Jan96, My Kind of Painting.
"I love you because you are my kind of painting.  As you
 sat at the kitchen table last night, your feet curled
 up under you like a cat on the wooden bench, with your
 paisley dress flowing across the landscape, framed by
 the kitchen window, with the blues of the pool 
 highlighting the blues of your eyes, and the trees and
 bushes forming a three-dimensional backdrop to a lovely
 n-dimensional Beatrice that looked up at me with a
 wonderful smile, I felt full of all of the reasons why
 I love you." 
 
#319, 12Jan96, Spatial Relationships.
"I love you because you looked so beautiful to me as you
 stood in front of the mirror blow drying your hair.  Maybe
 I just thrive on complex spatial relationships, but picture
 what I was looking at: a large mirror with a border and a
 row of lights above; the six foot built-in cabinet top with
 two sinks and a variety of different things sitting on top
 of it like shampoo bottles, curling irons, etc.; the towel
 closet and open clothes hamper; the chair; the hair dryer
 and hair dryer cord floating and wiggling through the air;
 and my love, with a white Alief sweatshirt and a wonderful
 smile with flowing shades of relief reflected in the mirror.
 Kind of a physical presence and a spiritual presence.  It
 is a much better picture and much more amazing than anything
 in the movie, 'Toy Story,' we recently saw. The information
 contained in and supporting what I was looking at is such
 a 'marvelous work and a wonder,' an unrefutable testimonial
 that there is a God, the king of real-life animation and
 spatial relationships, and that He loves each one of us.  

 Then you talked about 'The Engines of Our Ingenuity' you
 heard while I was gone to Florida.  About people that can
 not communicate what they spatially comprehend.  It was a
 multi-media 'Kodak moment,' a confirmation of what I have
 been trying to tell you the last 318 days, a statement of
 answer to your on-going questioning of why I love you." 
 
#320, 13Jan96, Explain To Me.
"I love you because as we drove down to the Alley Theatre
 last night to see Julius Caesar you said something like:
 'Explain to me what you have been reading in the book
 Emotional Intelligence.'  You seemed interested in what
 I had to say. 

 Earlier in the evening, you had come into the bedroom and
 I asked if you read the e-mail.  You said yes.  I asked if
 you had got the subtle double meanings like: 'your paisley
 dress flowing across the landscape;' or 'a wonderful smile
 with flowing shades of relief reflected in the mirror.'
 It took a bit of prompting and then you said something like
 'You just need to explain those meanings to me.'

 I'm going to take you at your word, despite the fact that
 most of the time I go into any detail in explaining to you
 what I'm thinking it seems to come back and bite me.  I
 will spend time off and on today writing and rewriting
 this, something I can not do in conversation, and hope that
 the feelings and reactions I have can be captured in words
 that are positive and let you know how much I love you.

 You are a thinker.  So am I.  I have had years to think 
 about the oft repeated phrase 'Don't touch me,' and it's
 non-verbal counterparts ('Emotional Intelligence' states
 that 90% of communication is non-verbal).  I have thought
 about this a lot.  Especially over the last few years,
 when I have seen it affecting our children, specifically
 Sara and Rob.  I see, on your part, more reaction than
 thinking and explaining so your view of the 'issue' is
 understood by others who need to be hugged and touched.

 Our 'date' to the theater last night provides a very clear
 demonstration of how I am personally affected.  Frankly, I
 might as well have gone to the play alone and gone home to
 an apartment alone.  I'm sure I spent so much time at the
 office today so I wouldn't feel the hurt that accompanies
 the on-going rejection.  I do think about why do you feel
 this way about holding hands, cuddling, touching, or sex. 
 These are some of the possible explanation spectrums I
 have come up with in my thinking:

   As a child:
     - not cuddled or touched <--------> sexually abused +

   As a young adult:
     - strong negative           forgotten or hypnotized +
       emotional experience <--> sexual activity

   After Sara and Robert's births:
     - wanting to avoid          resentful of not having +
       having more children <--> more enjoyment with sex

   Recently:
     - a way to get back             having had or doing +
       at me for 'mistreating'       'something like'  
       our children and you    <-->  having had an affair

   Or:
     - blindness as to impact <------------> selfishness +

 It could simply be that you have no kinesthetic needs (the
 touching variation of sometimes a 'cigar is only a cigar').
 Or it could be a combination of these and/or other issues.
 I believe the answer lies more to the left side of the
 above spectrums of explanations.

 The bottom line is, since you are a thinker, I know you 
 can come up with a better explanation than I can, and I
 believe it would be very beneficial to our family, and
 certainly to me, for you to share your thoughts on this
 subject (possibly with each member of our family on a
 one-on-one basis).  Using your words, 'explain to me' what
 you feel is going on, and keep explaining, whenever you
 see how your actions/reactions are hurting me and others. 
 Thanks in advance, and please know that I am writing these
 words because I do love you!" 
 
#321, 14Jan96, Bring Me Dinner.
"I love you because you expressed several times on the
 phone a willingness to bring me dinner.  I really do
 appreciate your thinking of my physical needs and being
 so insistent.  Thank you and please know I love you!" 
 
#322, 15Jan96, Babies Laughing.
"I love you because you of your predictable reaction when
 you see a baby, a baby laughing, and especially babies
 laughing.  It was a joy to be in the same room with you
 last night as we watched America's Funniest Home Videos.
 Thanks for the joy you bring to me.  I love you." 
 
#323, 16Jan96, Temple Bus, The Second Trip.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I rode on the
 Dallas temple bus, the second trip on the bus, and my
 second trip to the Dallas Temple this year.  It started
 when I saw the light under the hood and realized you
 might not be able to get your car started.  Then on the
 way to Dallas I read some fascinating stuff in Emotional
 Intelligence about people who do not have a language for
 their emotions (me) and the problems it brings up in
 their relationships.  Also read about those who are
 passionate vs those who are passive and how people with
 these differences find it hard to communicate.  (I would
 like to read these two sections to you tonight.)  At the
 temple they asked for volunteers to do sealings and I 
 could not bring myself to speak up.  On the way back 
 they showed a move about a beautiful lady with dark hair
 (that looks just like you) on the Oregon Frontier who
 had lost two daughters on the wagon train road west and
 how she broke out of her despair and ended up accepting
 an adopted son who had lost his parents.  It is amazing
 to me that we have done as well as we have in our
 marriage.  There are certainly a lot of variables that
 I have never been aware of.  Thank you for being the Mom. 
 I love you." 
 
#324, 17Jan96, Go For A Run.
"I love you because you encouraged me to go for a run
 this morning.  Of course, I realize you just wanted 
 to get ready for school, and you have no interest in
 being kissed and hugged, and you were kindly asking
 me to get out of your face, and your were encouraging
 sublimation.  But that's OK, because I love you." 
 
#325, 18Jan96, Raccoon in the Chimney.
"I love you because we are challenged, together.  The
 broken toilet and other plumbing problems will be fixed, 
 we will get the raccoon in the chimney out (or he will
 get out by himself), the kids will grow up and leave
 home and I won't have the waste of half-eaten bananas
 and the associated lying (which Rob confessed to) or 
 Melanie missing Young Women's to watch '90210' to worry
 about anymore.  All in all, we will not have the same
 kind of pain we now feel, and we will be able to look
 back on it in the same way we now look back on bricks
 in the neighbors toilet, Ginger killing their dog, etc. 
 With regret, but knowing we did our best, remembering
 the pain and thus hopefully recognizing the joy we now
 have by no longer having that pain.  Sometimes I forget
 that we must have pain, fear, and anger to know joy,
 contentment, and love.  Hopefully these words can help
 you not feel like everything is falling apart, and see
 why it is so important to me that you know I love you." 
 
#326, 19Jan96, Rob's Hitting.
"I love you because you got me to put my arm around Rob
 and talk to him last night.  I feel that your reaction
 to 'my reaction' to Rob's hitting the kid on the bus
 was as blown out of proportion as Rob's was.  I think
 you easily recognize his reaction to not wanting to be
 in the same room with me when describing the incident
 was out of proportion and possibly even unfounded. 
 However, his reaction wasn't much different than yours,
 and in fact seems a kind of learned reaction.  I'm
 sorry I don't do a better job of showing how I feel to
 the kids and you in a way that you understand and
 recognize.  Please don't give up on me, and recognize I
 love them and I love you. 

 There is nothing I want to do other than what is best
 for everyone in our family.  My conclusion has become
 that I try 'too hard' and 'look beyond the mark.'  I
 need you to provide me guidance like you did last night.
 I also need you to not try, consciously or unconsciously
 to manipulate me by withholding hugs, cuddling, and
 affection.  I know it is hard for you to even be in
 the same room with me, let alone walk over and give
 me a hug, but maybe it would help me show affection to
 the kids if there was some affection shown to me or if
 I saw some affection shown to them.  But my words are
 critical and therefore of no validity or meaning.  Sort
 of like writing out for you, for 326 days in a row, why
 I love you seems to have no validity or meaning." 
 
#327, 20Jan96, Mr. Holland's Opus.
"I love you because you had me go to the school for the
 interview with the policeman about Rob's hitting, and 
 it was for the specific purpose of supporting Rob.  Then
 you invited me to take you to lunch to your favorite 
 Chinese restaurant.  You even seemed to like the time
 we spent together, the conversation, and especially
 the fortune cookie.  Then we went to a wonderful movie
 together, Mr. Holland's Opus.  I can definitely relate
 to that movie, even more than the one about the
 entrepreneur who built cars right after World War II,
 which I can't remember the name of right now.  Thanks
 for sharing a wonderful day with me.  I love you."

#328, 21Jan96, Robert L. Backman.
"I love you because you went to 'Know Your Religion' with
 me.  It was nice to hear you say 'I like to hear the choir
 sing,' and the implication I heard that you like to hear
 my participation in the choir.  I know you were
 self-conscious about reading your book, but you looked up
 and listened at what seemed to me to be key times.  I
 have always believed that we will have some very special
 missionary times together ahead of us, and it was nice to
 have you share this review of some of the miracles that
 have happened in missionary work since the restoration
 of the gospel.  Of course, we don't know the future any
 more than Ray and Beth West do, as they embark on their
 new adventure that we talked with them about.  But it
 doesn't hurt to have a beautiful picture of what lies
 ahead in our mind, which is what I heard Robert L. Backman
 paint for us.  Thanks for supporting me.  I love you."
 
#329, 22Jan96, David Deford.
"I love you because of the feelings and thoughts I had
 as I listened to David Deford talk at the missionary
 fireside Sunday night on the topic of 'Does the Book of
 Mormon replace the Bible?'  I recalled my own conversion,
 and I recalled your joining the church.  I watched Kathy
 Deford shine as she watched David bear testimony of his
 conversion and of the importance The Book of Mormon and
 the church play in his life.  It renewed my belief that
 someday I will see that kind of sparkle in your
 countenance concerning me again.  Until and beyond then,
 please know how much I love you."
 
#330, 23Jan96, Rob's Home Page.
"I love you because you were so pleased with Rob's
 excitement about having his own home page on the
 INTERNET's World-Wide-Web.  Thanks for loving and
 supporting him and helping him feel good about himself
 by showing that support and love.  I love you."
 
#331, 24Jan96, Sara to Dinner.
"I love you because you encouraged me to take Sara out
 to dinner last night.  I thought we had a pretty good 
 time together at The Cracker Barrel, and I appreciate
 your encouragement.  Like everyone, I need a lot of that. 
 Thanks lover."
 
#332, 25Jan96, New Beginnings 1996.
"I love you because you went to New Beginnings 1996 with
 Melanie, Sara, and I.  I do not understand Sara's reaction,
 but as I listened to you talk to her in the car I have the
 impression that you do understand.  Have been thinking
 about church friends and our kids ever since.  My normal
 reaction is to look at myself and wonder if I am responsible
 for building a barrier between my kids and others in the
 church: too perfect (in appearance only); too rich (based
 on the neighborhood and cars we drive); too knowledgeable;
 to mean; too etc.  Do you have any suggestions how we can
 encourage our kids to have more friends in the church?  I
 love them and want only the best for each of them, as I 
 know you do too.  Thanks in advance for your help and 
 ideas.  It's another dozen reasons why I love you."
 
#333, 26Jan96, Little House of Horrors.
"I love you because you stood up for me with both Sara
 and Rob last night.  I imagine a parent shouldn't feel
 the need for that support, but I definitely do, and I do
 appreciate it.  I also love you because, even though I
 spoke out in my hurt about how I feel I have been falsely 
 villianified and made the bad guy you were able to set my
 words aside and enjoy Paul's play. 

 The name "Little House of Horrors," and the murder theme
 are very repulsive to me.  I worked in a meat packing
 plant and I know what the little drops of red represent. 
 I have watched men drink the warm blood of a slaughtered
 cow.  I do not understand or accept the reverence our
 society gives to themes of battering girlfriends and
 murder.  I try to tell myself it is a spoof and a comedy. 
 Mostly I thought of how hard Paul was working to run the
 mechanics of the plant and how much fun he seemed to be
 having with the whole project.  It was 'type casting'
 only in the sense Paul has always enjoyed mechanical
 things and creating humor through physical objects
 ('shiny metal object collection,' etc.). 

 I thought it turned out to be a very nice evening. 
 Especially appreciated the letter from Sara.  Then your
 prompting me, after I went through the list of things for
 Melanie to do and not to do, to tell her 'I love you.'  I
 do love each of our kids and there is nothing I want more
 than to have our family be an eternal family.  Thank you
 for making it so last night, and please know I love you."

#334, 27Jan96, Dinner Group.
"I love you because you went out with me and 'the assigned
 folks' in the church dinner group.  Tom Anderson is
 responsible for building the Conoco version of a Landmark 
 Interpretation System, and uses Landmark Graphics.  He had
 me give a talk at his group once (when I took my guitar
 right after scout camp).  They seem like a couple we could
 have a good time with.  Del Vance works in Chevron, a
 little further downstream than my experience (upstream is
 exploration and downstream is service station marketing).
 It appears that his wife is not adjusting well to the 
 move, and it seems like they would be a nice couple to
 do things with and to get to know better.  I was really
 impressed how you pulled her aside and got her talking
 and a little out of her shell.  You are so-o-o-o good at
 that, when you want to be.  Of course, John Daniels works
 at Amoco, basically doing reengineering like the information
 management stuff like I have been working on with Keith
 Rawlinson for the last year.  He wants to move, but wants to
 stay so his kids have a place they can call home.  And Cindy
 is always happy to talk and have a good time.  It was almost
 like the group was put together with me in mind.  It did 
 get me thinking about how much we haven't done with others.

 I'm sorry I have not been very social over the years, but 
 we all can change.  I need the interaction, and you always
 seem to have a good time, when we finally do something like
 this.  Any suggestions as to how we can improve on meeting
 with and doing things for fun with other couples?  I ask
 because I think it would be good for both of us and because
 I love you."
 
#335, 28Jan96, Mixed Messages.
"I love you because you keep going to church with me and
 the kids, even though it is obviously so distasteful.  
 You do send me mixed messages, and I really don't know
 what is going on.  Two specific examples are: Sunday
 mornings' 'Stop it!' followed by finding a be my 
 valentine on my sink; and Sunday evenings' glare
 followed by melting as I said things that seem like they
 should have offended you (Where is your compassion? etc.).
 I would like to understand what is going on in your mind
 and hope that someday you will feel like you can share 
 your thoughts with me.  Why?  Because I love you and want
 to be your friend (in the way Melanie described at FHE)."
 
#336, 29Jan96, Smile.
"I love you because of your cute half smile after I held
 you and kissed you this morning before going on a run.
 Don't know what you were thinking, but I imagine it was
 something like how predictable I am.  Hope that my
 predictability is OK, especially that I love you."
 
#337, 30Jan96, Personal Work Day.
"I love you because you asked my thoughts about you taking
 a personal work day to get your grading done, and then you
 went in and arranged for a substitute.  I felt listened to.

 It was cute, how Rob said he was going to put a sign on
 the door that said, 'Do not disturb, making love.'  Sorry
 it embarrassed you.  

 Thanks for thanking me for making spaghetti.  I'm sorry I
 haven't done that type of thing more often when you have a
 headache.  I will try to be more aware, for after all I
 love you."
 
#338, 30Jan96, Jim Spears.
"I love you because you asked about what had happened
 downtown at work.  We were interrupted so many times,
 specifically by Paul wanting money, I don't recall 
 answering your question.  Jim Spears was very excited
 about all that I was able to do for him on his project.
 Took him down to the VETL and he got even more excited.
 He is going to do everything he can to help us be 
 successful with his company and with other companies.
 Thanks for asking, it is one more reason why I love you."
 
#339, 31Jan96, Miracle Worker.
"I love you because you have heroes like 'the miracle
 worker.'  It was thoroughly enjoyable to watch that
 movie with you and the kids last night after a hard
 day in front of the workstation, and then going out
 with the missionaries.  I hope our kids caught a
 picture of how blessed we are.  Guess that is why I
 wanted to let Sara stay up and watch the movie.  I 
 didn't know she skipped Young Women's to sleep.  Thank
 you for bringing the movie home and encouraging the
 kids to watch it with you.  I love you."
 
#340, 01Feb96, McDonald's.
"I love you because you got me dinner tonight (even if it
 was McDonalds).  I can see you reading Time magazine by
 the fireplace, all alone in the house, with Paul at the
 play, Melanie at Jackelyn's, Sara at Sarah's, and Rob at
 the office with me.  Hope you take time to miss me a 
 little bit.  I love you, I miss you (even when I am just
 away for a couple of hours like tonight), and I am scared
 to death of being alone for the rest of my life.  Hope
 this comment makes sense to you and helps you know in
 your gut, heart, and brain that I love you."
 
#341, 03Feb96, Rob's tearing up Sara's pictures.
"I love you because of how well you reacted to my reaction
 to Rob's tearing up Sara's pictures.  I have thought a lot
 about your question to me: 'What's going on here?'  I do
 not understand why it so enrages me to see willful and/or
 careless destruction of things.  It is definitely an 
 emotional reaction, rooted in how Mom or maybe Grandma or
 Grandpa Hafen reacted to waste and misuse.  I am not trying
 to pass off my choices to the effects of the 1930's
 depression, but we both know I do not have very good
 emotional control.  This kind of control is learnable, but
 not without people helping you see when you are out of 
 control so you can learn to recognize it and get in control.
 Thanks for how you treated the entire situation.  I love you."
 
#342, 04Feb96, White Squall.
"I love you because you enjoy going to movies with me.
 You were obviously very touched by White Squall.  I 
 certainly relate to the closing line that mentions how
 this is the burden of all fathers.  Thanks for going
 with me, I thought it was a good evening, especially
 after being so upset about Robert in the morning.  I
 hope you understand how much I need you and love you."
 
#343, 05Feb96, Indiscretions on AOL.
"I love you because of the conversation we had this morning
 about the man who was filing for divorce because of his
 wife's indiscretions on AOL.  I agree that some people are
 really stupid.  I really appreciated your straight forward
 statement that 'Rick and I never did anything like that,
 and it never even occurred to me.'  I absolutely do believe
 you and I do love you."
 
#344, 06Feb96, Paul and the Garage.
"I love you because you kept my perspective closer to
 focus than it would have been after Paul confessed to
 us.  I was definitely out of line with my emotional
 reaction, hurt, and desire for justice.  He cleaned out
 the garage as good as I did for my parents when I was a
 kid.  And he didn't even complain.  It did take 5 months,
 but one can not have everything.  The other day I was
 with Todd Staheli and during conversation made some
 comment about how hurt I am by Roice and Ben's choices,
 specifically of roommates and relative to the church and
 serving a mission.  He looked at me and said something
 about Lehi, then said 'But you have Paul.  I am so
 impressed with Paul.  The talk he gave at Matt and Alma's
 farewell was better than most adults I know could do.'  I
 need you to help me keep perspective when my core
 insecurities are threatened.  Thanks, and I hope this
 helps you to understand why I need you and why I love you."
 
#345, 07Feb96, Melanie and Marie.
"I love you because you encourage Melanie to be independent.
 It is neat that Melanie and Marie are so close that when
 Marie is afraid of spending a night alone Melanie wants to
 spend the night and help her feel safer.  I fear that
 Melanie might be a little too independent, but that is
 certainly better than too dependent.  Thanks for all you
 do for our kids.  I try to show you I love you each day,
 and calling Melanie to make sure you had the Tallen for
 school today was a small attempt to say I love you."
 
#346, 08Feb96, A Real Job.
"I love you because you talked to me last night.  I guess
 I have known in the back of my mind that you are not at
 all comfortable with my 'job' and that you want me to get
 'a real job' with benefits and a retirement plan.  I will
 work towards tying something like that together for you
 within the next three months.  It will only be half time,
 and I will still pursue the other stuff I am interested in,
 but between that and the Landmark income, I hope to give 
 you more of a feeling of security. 

 Thanks for talking to me about what you want to do for your
 class, and for giving me the opportunity to help with
 scanning and displays.  If the school will let you, you
 could bring the SyQuest drive over here and hook it up to
 one of the Macintoshes here on the local area network, in
 order to be able to scan the data at school.  I can't
 afford to buy a SyQuest drive for you right now, but if one
 of the deals comes through I will put that at the top of the
 list of enhancements to the computer environment here.

 I am sorry I upset you with my comments about Melanie.  I 
 wish I could communicate better.  I think all kids should
 visit a prison, and Melanie is a subset of 'all kids.'  I
 think all kids should let there parents know where they are.
 I think all kids should watch who they spend their time with
 and should avoid those who smoke, drink, or use other drugs.
 I talked to Melanie when I picked her up before we had family
 prayer, and she seemed OK.  If she is not and if I can explain
 my concerns as a parent better please help me.  This is a key
 reason why I need you and why I love you."
 
#347, 09Feb96, Singing with Alan Peterson.
"I love you because you went over to Alan Peterson's to
 practice singing country songs for the Relief Society
 party next Saturday.  There is no place I would rather
 see you be and nothing I can think of I would rather
 you be doing.  I'm sorry I couldn't come over and listen
 to you practice.

 I hate what music has become in our family.  I do not
 think this particular aspect of our relationship is near
 as much me as your attitude, pride, and 'passive-
 aggression.'  Dr. Aronson asked me about our early marriage
 and whether there was ever an emotional commitment between
 us.  I talked about the first fight, when I took off for 
 the mountains and heard a voice that told me to 'go back
 home.'  About the move from Hanover Street to Lockmore and
 how bad Luana said I was based on my comments about 'what
 was behind and under the refrigerator.'  About our meeting
 with Jerry Tousa.  About field operations and me being
 gone for six weeks and home for three.  About hiding at
 school (SMU and the UH's SAL) when I felt I was
 getting no support at home.  About how hard the move to
 Houston was for you and how depressed you became when Sara
 and then Rob unexpectedly joined us.  About all the travel
 associated with starting Landmark Graphics.  And of course
 he knows the details of recent activities.  Then I repeated
 the word to 'Our Song:'

     'Help me write a song,
      And then sing along,
      We will sing of love,
      And of what will be.'

     'I can't write a song,
      I can't sing along,
      Put up your guitar,
      And let me be.'

 He said it sounds like 'the Reader's Digest of your marriage.'
 I know you say I have put too much emphasis on that song in
 the past, but I hope you will think about the next verse:

     'But there's sunshine all around
      As we sit here on the lawn
      Please come and sit down,
      And help write ourselves a song.'

 I don't even remember the last two lines, so I probably 
 rewrote them.  But the meaning is the same.  It has been said 
 one must know the bitter to recognize the sweet.  I love your
 voice.  I love to sing with you.  I love the way people react
 to and are lifted up by the songs we have written.  I believe,
 as I did when we got married, that this could be a real
 positive part of our relationship.  I'm sorry I couldn't come
 over and listen to you practice with Alan Peterson and his
 group, and I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to talk to you
 this morning.  I hope this helps you understand that I hate
 what music has become in our family, but I do love you."
 
#348, 10Feb96, Emotional Affairs.
"I love you and so I am going to ask you a question I
 was asked yesterday, and which I have been pondering on
 since the meeting with Dr. Aronson.  The question was:
 'What is more destructive, a physical affair or an
 emotional affair?'  It was part of a discussion touching
 on topics like 'paranoia,' 'suspicion,' and 'trust.' 
 The conversation included the statements: 'Sometimes even
 paranoids need to watch out;' and 'There is no question
 you were right to be suspicious, even though you proved
 you were right by violating boundaries, reading private
 material, and basically spying.' 

 The meat behind the question relates to what we do now.
 My tendency is to dwell on the past and look for worst
 case scenarios over the horizon to prepare to avoid.  
 This week, last night, and today, I feel overwhelmed by
 our 'relationship.'  Like I am the only one committed to
 it and the only one willing to make any effort.  Like 'one
 oar in a two oar boat,' or like 'one ox in a two ox team'
 that is 'unequally yoked.'  Like I have spent a year
 specifically focused trying to convince you I love you,
 and it's making as much difference to the terrain as a
 'cow pissing on a flat rock.'  I know you don't like to
 and probably don't want to talk to me.  However, I think
 and feel it is time I got some feedback on my efforts,
 and some kind of idea where you are.  I would hope that
 a discussion about the above question could provide a
 reasonable basis for that discussion.  I do love you!"
 
#349, 11Feb96, Bed of Roses.
"I love you because you went to the movie 'Bed of Roses'
 with me; even though you do not like my 'tone of criticism
 and judgment.'  I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and felt
 they captured real issues that we face in our marriage.

 Responding to your e-mail comment that in your 'experience'
 I 'do this' (whatever 'this' is) when I 'have been hurt or
 are fearful of failing or looking bad' is probably true. 
 I was deeply hurt by Sara when I took her friend Sarah home
 Thursday night.  I feel more misjudged than I have ever
 misjudged.  I am also very fearful for Melanie tonight.
 This is because Ben checked out of our family after Sadie
 Hawkins his Junior year, and I suspect it was sexual social
 pressure, like Melanie will face tonight, and like we saw
 in the last two movies we went to.  Maybe these fears are
 related to or even a basis as to why I have chosen this
 time to try and start a conversation about where we are and
 where we are going in our emotional commitment to each other.

 However, the fact I have these hurts and fears and concerns
 does not change the basis of the points I tried to capture in
 #347 and #348.  First, it is impossible, today (not only 23
 years ago), for me to do anything musical with you.  This is
 not my doing!  It is attitude, pride, and passive-aggression!
 Second, the emotional disconnect between us is deep and long
 lasting, not unlike in the movie (if you can see past the
 acting to the story line).  It is the basis of my trying to
 make up for feeling I am the only parent and ending up being
 overly strict and too 'judgmental.'  This emotional
 disconnect is the basis of our relationship being 'miserable.' 
 No self-justifying mists of darkness, painted by me or by you,
 will change these facts.

 I appreciate getting your letter, have printed it out, and
 would appreciate the opportunity talk about my reactions to
 it with you on a point by point basis.  I have also printed
 out my last three 'lovelets' for reference, if you are willing
 to take me up on this request for a face-to-face discussion 
 and wish to refer to any of them.  Believe it or not I wrote
 these lovelets because I do love you and I do not know any
 other way to start a conversation about these critical issues. 

#350, 12Feb96, Borne a Headache.
"I love you because you have borne a headache for three
 days without anything more than asking to be left alone.
 I don't know if it is the stoic in me, or what, but I
 could tell you were in real pain, and yet you did not
 complain or seek sympathy.  I wish there were something
 I could do for you besides pray for you, encourage you
 to go see the proper medical help, and then tell you
 how much I love you." 

#351, 13Feb96, Sympathetic Headache.
"I love you because you are so optimistic.  If Rob's
 headache was related to yours in anyway, I anticipate
 it was a sympathetic headache.  What are you afraid of
 in going to a Doctor and asking some questions?  It
 is important to me that the person I love is attacking
 the roots of issues that cause pain and discomfort and
 not hacking at the leaves.  Why?  Because I love you."

#352, 14Feb96, Moment of Marital Bliss.
"I love you because you extended my moment of marital bliss.
 Happy Valentines Day.  I love you."

#353, 15Feb96, Singing High Priests.
"I love you because you put up with the singing High Priests. 
 It is hard not to compare the reactions of the different 
 women we sang to.  You did smile nicely.  When Ron Burgerner
 saw the cover of my booklet of lovelets he said something
 like 'that sounds like a car engine repair manual.  I hope
 that is not how you take these attempts to put in words my
 deep and lasting feelings.  Would appreciate feedback on
 how I can improve my lovelets.  I will strive not to say
 anything that can hurt, and only talk about the positive
 in this forum.  Why?  Because of your reaction to some of
 last week's lovelets and because I love you."

#354, 16Feb96, Junk Food Campout.
"I love you because you helped me keep perspective relative
 to Marion Jenkins and Rob and the junk food campout.  There
 were things said in my conversation with Marion that hurt
 me a lot.  I really don't know how to handle all of this
 stuff that is going on, but expect, as you said, that it 
 could be just the beginning.  However, I do believe if we
 sit down together, make a plan, and stick to that plan
 (which I believe must be based on spending a lot of regular
 one-on-one time with Rob and with Sara) that it doesn't
 have to be the beginning of a negative song-line.  Together
 we can create a family love feast, where members believe it
 when we say I love you."

#355, 17Feb96, A Young Man From Atlanta.
"I love you because we went to the Alley theater last
 night.  The play, 'A Young Man From Atlanta,' was one
 of the best that we have seen at the Alley.  The play
 raises an interesting question, 'Who is telling the
 truth?'  We certainly all see things from different
 perspectives, whether it be Marion Jenkins, Rob, you,
 or me, in the most recent encounter at our house. 

 It was a wonderful evening.  The ride down to the play
 where you told me all of the stuff you have been doing
 at school. The play itself (although it was a little
 bit tight time-wise getting there).  Then going out to
 dinner at Bira Porrietti's.  And the time at home
 before falling asleep cuddling as you read your latest
 book.  Thanks for a wonderful evening.  I love you."

#356, 18Feb96, Girl Scout Cookies.
"I love you because of how you reacted to the Girl Scout
 cookies I bought you at the bank.  You are so cute when
 there is something you want like these cookies.  To hear
 you say that this is perfection - laying in bed on a
 Saturday morning, reading a good book, eating girl Scout
 chocolate mint cookies, and having a glass of milk - made
 me feel really good.  Enjoy your day.  I do love you."

#357, 19Feb96, Chile Cookoff.
"I love you because you sound so nice when you sing. 
 The wonderful part of the Saturday evening Chile Cookoff
 and Sunday was the dozens (yes more than 24) of people
 that came up and made comments about how nice you
 sounded.  The part that hurts is that you do it so seldom
 and I feel I am somehow responsible.  I absolutely do not
 understand what I did, but know in my heart that I am
 responsible and that the whole world (and me) will find
 out someday what a terrible person I am.  I will probably
 tell them, like when I repeated Marion's comments in
 Priesthood Executive Committee because I do not like
 secrets and felt it needed to be in the open.

 That was the hard part of yesterday.  Marion's report of
 what Rob said was repeated to me by Brother Hastings and
 Brother Cox.  Paul and Melanie refused to go to the
 fireside, for no reason I can understand.  Sara seemed
 excited to be going, had a great time and was the center
 of a big discussion group for a long time after the
 fireside was over.  Yet she told me, when I went up to
 talk to her about throwing stuff over the side into the
 front entrance, that I 'forced her to go' and that she 
 'doesn't want to be part of this family anymore.'  I
 need you.  I need you to comfort me and to teach me how
 to show compassion and not to see things just in black
 and white (much more than your books need you or you need
 to hide in them).  I do love you and desperately need to
 be loved. 

 The way I feel this morning is the way I have felt in the
 past when I have wanted to step in front of a train or
 drive the car off of a high bridge or use a pocketknife
 on my body.  I won't.  But I really am in pain.  Maybe
 this hurt is the only way for me to understand well
 enough to change my behavior (if I could only see what
 needs to be changed) and find acceptable ways to show our
 kids and particularly you how deep and permanent my
 commitment and my love to each of you is."

#358, 20Feb96, Working Late.
"I love you because you have never complained about the
 times when I end up working late.  I realize that it
 keeps me 'out of your hair,' but choose to believe this
 is the way you show me support and love.  Thank you for
 not complaining when I take on big jobs.  I love you."

#359, 21Feb96, Houston Westside Airport.
"I love you because you got Rob from school and were
 understanding that I had a meeting from 4-6:00.  Sad
 part of my meeting is that: 
   (1) I was a month early;
   (2) I went to the Sugar Land Airport, which I thought
       was the Houston West Side Airport; and 
   (3) I was therefore an hour late (and a month early). 

 The nice part of the visit was that they are doing some
 real neat geophysical work that fits with some of my
 projects.  In addition, they have a beautiful office at
 the far end of the Houston Westside Airport.  It has a
 swimming pool in the front, and green on three sides. 
 We watched airplanes from the Confederate Air Force take
 off and land.  There is a beautiful golf course across
 the bayou to the north.  And they asked me if I would
 like to have an office in their facility.  They have an
 ISDN line and Scott wants to move to Colorado and shut
 down our office. 

 My initial plan has been to work out of the house when
 I don't have to go downtown or to the VETL.  Look forward
 to discussing options and taking you out to see the
 possible office sometime late next week.  I value your
 opinion, even if you don't feel I ever listen to you. 
 Guess it is similar to me feeling like you do not hear me
 say 'I love you.'"

#360, 22Feb96, Hungry and Dizzy.
"I love you because after we kissed this evening you
 said, 'Are you hungry?'  Then we kissed again and you
 said, 'Do I make you dizzy?'  Thank you for the kisses
 and for making me 'hungry' and 'dizzy.'  I love you."

#361, 23Feb96, English Teacher's Conference.
"I love you because you called me from your English Teacher's
 Conference to tell me you made it to Dallas OK (even if it
 was at 1:00 AM), to see if everything is OK with Rob, and
 to see if I was OK.  Thanks.  I miss you and I love you."

#362, 24Feb96, Freaking Out.
"I love you because you seemed to understand when I described
 'freaking out' on Saturday.  Those were Melanie's words to
 my reaction to her not checking in with me Friday after school,
 or anytime Saturday until about 7:00 PM when she wanted access 
 to the Saturn and I refused to let her use it. 

 The key thing I gained from the experience Saturday was to
 realize that I do not separate what is real and what I think
 might be real.  In other words, I realized that I will think
 through something, come to conclusions that I believe are
 logical, and those conclusions become fact to me.  I then
 find myself emotionally reacting against those 'facts,' often
 trying to change the 'facts' through the useless tools of
 sarcasm and anger.   It was a type of revelation and helped me
 understand why I have had serious problems communicating with
 you and with kids in the past.  I will have this be the topic
 of discussion with Dr. Aronson on Friday, with the specific
 objective of developing a process for me to follow to help me
 validate what is really true and what is my personal fantasy
 or nightmare.  Thank you for your patience with me as I strive
 to become a better partner, friend, and lover.  I love you."

#363, 25Feb96, Discussion.
"I love you because you let me have a discussion with you about
 how I reacted on Saturday.  I believe you were sitting there
 saying 'I can't believe this is happening again.'  I am sorry
 for my weaknesses.  Please understand there is absolutely 
 nothing malicious in what I described.  I love you and want
 you to be able to say you love me.  I do not believe you will
 be able to say this with real meaning until we know ourselves
 and know each other.  This kind of self-knowledge is only going
 to happen through discussion.  Observation filters do not allow
 either of us to see what is happening clearly.  Listening filters
 are not much better, but I have hope.  Why?  Because I love you."

#364, 26Feb96, Finances.
"I love you because you keep taking care of the finances, even
 though you hate it and it causes such division between us.  I
 really appreciated you talking to me about where things are at,
 and agreeing with my Landmark stock sell recommendation.  I
 especially appreciate your listening to me attempt to share my
 worst case financial fears and your statement of support to me. 
 I believe you do not want to be seen in the way I described my
 worst case scenario, and I assure you I do not want to see you
 that way.  As I said I am still trying to recover from what
 happened last year.  My wounds, like yours have been, to trust,
 expectation, and hope were deep.  I still do hope that I can
 find the strength to forgive and forget, that through the Savior
 I can be forgiven of my mistakes, and that over time you will be
 able to forgive me and know how much I love you."

#365, 27Feb96, Romeo and Juliet.
"I love you because you did such a good job of working with
 Sara last night on Romeo and Juliet.  It was so much fun to
 listen to you in the other room with her, and to feel the
 excitement and enthusiasm.  Each of the kids and I need to
 find something you can share that passion for with us.  Thanks
 for spending the time with Sara and exciting her so much about
 this wonderful piece of literature.  I do love you."

#366, 28Feb96, Year One.
"I love you and have spent a year telling you.  Today should
 be lovelet #365, but I have got off somewhere.  In reviewing
 the numbers today I see that #51 (19 April 1995) and #223
 and #224 (08-09 October 1995) are missing from what I print out
 the lovelet booklets from.  If you have any of these in
 hardcopy, I would like to correct the mistakes and make this
 document as perfect as I dream my love for you can be.  In the
 meantime, I hope you are starting to realize how much I love you."

#367, 29Feb96, Rob's Tantrum.
"I love you because of how you handled Rob's tantrum last night.
 I do not understand what to do to help him.  I am very concerned.
 I know you are also.  Your approach seems right on track, and it
 needs to be followed up with a lot of time and support.  I was
 very impressed with Melanie's words in the prayer last night 
 about our 'family coming closer together again.'  I haven't even
 seen her for the last week, because she is never home.  But I
 know she walked in as you and Sara were talking about Romeo and
 Juliet and was participating in that conversation when I came 
 out of the bedroom about 11:00.  Thank you for being there for
 and with the girls.  They, like Rob and I, desperately need you.
 I realize there is not enough of you to go around, and I will do
 my best to back off until a few more kids leave home so that you
 do not feel so stretched.  Thanks for being the Mom.  I love you."

#368, 01Mar96, Personal Missionary Experiences.
"I love you because of your reaction to my 'personal missionary
 experience.'  Since you were asleep when I came home from splits
 with the missionaries on Thursday, let me paint the picture from
 my perspective.  When I got to the missionaries' apartment, 
 Brother Smith was not there.  Elder Hansen said I would be going
 out with Elder Wong and that they had a real good referral from
 the Katy Ward named Mrs. Johnson.  When Mike got there we left
 and Elder Wong and I walked down to Mrs. Johnson's apartment and
 knocked on the door.  A young man I seemed to recognize came to
 the door.  He seemed shocked to see me.  Mrs. Johnson was on the
 phone long distance (it turns out with her father in Dallas who
 is ill).  Asked if we could come back in 45 minutes.  We visited
 a family where the husband was not home from work and asked us to
 come back.  We went to the Rowbury's and encouraged them to follow-up
 on one of their neighbors.  They mentioned Paul's friend Pat is a
 neighbor.  We visited a family that, 'for very personal reasons,'
 asked to have their names removed from the records of the church. 
 Bore a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon and they said they have
 one and will do some reading.  Elder Wong was somewhat taken back as
 we left and he said, 'Did they ask what I thought they asked?'  Then
 we visited a part-member family that wasn't home and headed back to
 the apartments.

 When we got back to the apartments, Elder Wong said, looks like they
 are back.  Mike was only baptized on Monday and this was his first
 missionary split, so I felt like we should go back to their apartment.
 Elder Wong said, 'No, we said we would come back, we should visit
 Mrs. Johnson.  So we went back and knocked on the door.  She came to
 the door on the portable phone, and said, 'Oh, you're Melanie's Dad!'
 I'm sure you know my insecure thoughts.  She quickly got the other 
 person off of the phone and invited us in.  We found out she taught
 Melanie in honor's classes in Elementary.  She is Jacqueline's Mom,
 where Melanie lives and comes back smelling like she has been to a
 bar.  She has a good friend in the Katy Ward named Rhonda who took
 her to church with her the previous Sunday.  She is going through a
 long divorce and is quite upset about it and the impact on her kids.
 She apologized profusely for drinking wine.  We were just about to
 talk about the church when Jacqueline came in.  She was more than
 slightly astonished to see me sitting on her couch talking to her
 Mom.  She went in and used the phone, then came out and joined in
 the discussions.  Jacqueline had gone to church with Leslie the week
 her Mom went to the Katy Church.  They had read from Psalms together
 the night before and were both comforted by this and are both looking
 for a spiritual side to their lives.  Elder Wong explained the first
 vision and I reviewed what was in the Book of Mormon and how it could
 supplement their scripture study. 

 Jacqueline was reading Moroni 10:3-5 when there was a knock on the
 door.  She jumped up to answer it, and Melanie walked in looking for
 a sweatshirt and wondering what her Dad was doing there.  She went out
 and got Sara and Marie (they had all just returned from tumbling).  As
 everyone came in Jacqueline finished reading Moroni 10:5.  I asked 'Do
 you understand this?'  She said, 'No.' I asked Melanie to explain it. 
 She quoted the scripture and made some comments.  Sara explained how
 the answer would come 'as a burning in your bosom,' with some quite
 appropriate dramatics.  Elder Wong and I proceeded to explain about
 the missionary discussions and to set up an appointment for Monday
 night.  There was a real good spirit in the room.  Dave Williams said
 his daughter came home 'higher that a kite, and very excited.'

 I came home, and you were three-quarters asleep.  I briefly told you the
 above answer to my prayer's for family members to have a personal
 missionary experience and you said, 'You always get your prayers answered.' 
 I responded, 'I guess that's true, since you are still here!'  You said,
 'You didn't have any choice, I just chased you.'  I kissed you and said
 'good night' and 'I love you.'  But it's true, you know, I do love you."

#369, 02Mar96, Junk Food Campout With Rob.
"I love you because you encouraged me to go on the Junk Food
 Campout with Rob.  In fact, you have always encouraged me to
 go on campouts with the boys.  You know how much I enjoy the
 outdoors and camping.  Rob lost it one time, basically when he
 thought Paul would beat up on him because I let some scouts 
 have a bunch of matches Paul left in the car.  Other than that
 I think he had a good campout and a good time with the boys.
 I read some real good stuff on anger, controlling anger, and
 melancholy in Emotional Intelligence.  I wrote a song that I
 quite like, which I would be glad to sing for you sometime if
 you are interested.  It was a beautiful, peaceful day.  The 
 only thing missing was you and having you share the day with
 me.  Maybe someday we will be able to share my love for the
 outdoors and your love of birds and nature.  Until then, please
 know that I love you."

#370, 03Mar96, Froggie Learns The Gospel.
"I love you because you sang 'Froggie Learns the Gospel' with me
 to Elder Hansen.  He was truly touched and thoroughly enjoyed
 the song.  As we left I told him how nice his smile was.  He said
 'How could anyone not smile with a home like that.'  He didn't
 notice the clothes you were shuffling off to the side, and the
 message obviously is I shouldn't either.  It was a neat experience
 for me and deepens my understanding of why I love you.  Thanks."

#371, 04Mar96, Keys and Shoes.
"I love you because you found your keys and shoes.  I imagine
 that sounds funny.  However, I expect, as part of your personal
 continuous improvement cycle, next time you will put the keys
 and shoes where you can find them.  It is cute to see your
 sheepish smile when you find something you have temporarily 
 misplaced.  I guess I feel misplaced these days, but I am ever
 confident and hopeful you will also find me again and again
 come to realize that and how much I love you."

#372, 05Mar96, Stalked.
"I love you because you told me that sometimes you feel stalked.
 I am sorry.  I was raised a hunter and spent a lot of time in
 the woods stalking game, as well as on the farm stalking squirrels,
 cats, jackrabbits, skunks, and when I was feeding my pet owl even
 mice and birds.  I can see how my fear about loosing you has
 been translated into a overzealous response that could be viewed
 by you as stalking.  I am sorry.  I will strive to be aware of
 this one additional weakness and to not do anything to give you
 the feeling of being stalked.  Why?  Because I love you."

#373, 05Mar96, Observed.
"I love you because you put so much effort into being prepared
 to be observed in your teaching.  I am sorry he didn't show up
 and that you felt so disillusioned and so tired last night. 
 In one sense I felt it might be seen as a useful experience,
 namely if you could put yourself in my shoes most evenings after
 a long day and especially after having someone reject, hide from,
 or just ignore one of my proposals.  However, that does not make
 your day any better, and I am truly sorry about how it turned 
 out and how you felt last night.  My only advice is to look at
 today as another day and know there are 'downs,' but always 
 remember there are also 'ups.'  Be happy and know I love you."

#374, 07Mar96, Red.
"I love you in red (see lovelet #275).  I don't wear red ties or
 red shirts, but you look nice in red.  I'm sorry if I said
 something that has kept you from wearing red.  Because it is
 not a color I am comfortable wearing doesn't mean you should
 not wear red if you want to.  What is important to me is that 
 whether you dress in blue or in green or in red I love you."

#375, 08Mar96, Regret.
"I love you because you called me with such regret about not
 talking to Rob about the temple trip and just making the
 decision that he wouldn't want to go (because Sara didn't
 want to go and because of your feelings about the temple).
 It was a good trip and I think he would have really enjoyed it.
 However, he will be able to go next time.  Thanks for realizing
 everyone doesn't feel the same way you do.  I love you."

#376, 09Mar96, Be A Good Example.
"I loved your expression as I kissed you good-bye Friday morning,
 and said 'Be a good example.'  I realize I am not the parent.  I
 realize you are your own person.  I realize you and your friends
 just go to Galveston to talk and to have a good time together.  I
 realize I tend to be paranoid, both about who your friends are 
 (because of the background pictures you have painted of them and 
 what I know of their public relationship to gospel principles:
 gossip; affairs; r-rated movies; music and food addictions;
 husband baiting; divorce; etc.) as well as what is being done
 (as you know my mind tends to paint worst case scenarios) and
 said (about me, about our relationship, and about our children). 
 However, despite all of these realizations, I believe all of us
 (especially myself) need to be reminded to always 'Be a good
 example.'  I have no regrets for saying the words 'Be a good
 example,' but I am sorry if I offended you in what I said, or in
 what I have written in this lovelet (my ongoing battle with
 promiscuous honesty), because I love you."

#377, 10Mar96, Failure.
"I loved you because you have stayed with me, thus far, even though
 I am such a failure, both in your eyes and in mine.  I am sorry
 that I loose it every too often.  For what it is worth, there is
 usually a reason, and the reason usually is related to my coming
 face to face with my failures.  Yesterday in Dr. Morgan in the
 comic strips there was a comment to the effect of 'I recognize
 someone who needs a little attention.'  The circumstance was
 tied to a new Doctor fired for sexual harassment who had got
 drunk and was on the roof of a building ready to jump.  Maybe that
 is all that is my problem, and maybe that is why I find myself
 refusing to give attention to Rob, Sara, Melanie, and Paul.  Maybe
 that is what is behind my loosing it.  I don't think so, but I
 am trying to see things from where I believe you view the world.

 I, like you, do not understand unconditional love.  There is no
 question in my mind that I am not lovable.  Our family makes that
 perfectly clear to me.  I hate my mother's choices and actions,
 so how could she love me.  I have disappointed my father by not
 staying to run the farm, so how could he love me.  I beat up on
 my sister and now have left her to clean up my parents mess, so
 how could she love me.  My Grandma loves me and believes in me,
 but it is very conditional.  You can't love someone like me, and
 I won't try to elaborate.  My kids hate me because I refuse to
 accept and condone their choice in lifestyle. 

 However, I do find a spark of comfort knowing that I  really do
 love each of you, and in firmly believing that someday, probably
 after we are all dead, you will all finally realize how much and
 how deeply I care and love you."

#378, 11Mar96, Judgmental.
"I loved you because you have stayed with me, thus far, even though
 I am such a failure, both in your eyes and in mine.  If that sentence
 sounds familiar, it also introduced lovelet #377.  I feel a need to
 elaborate and to talk briefly about how judgmental you, probably
 rightly, point out that I am.  To do this, I would like to play back
 part of what I heard in a conversation with you yesterday:

 You: 'So Ben doesn't compare well to other people's perfect children?'
 Me:  '. . . Schindler's List.'
 You: 'So Matt Deford is on your shit list too.'

 Like the actors/actresses in 'A Bed of Roses' I feel like I don't
 have a chance.  And it really has nothing to do with how hard I try,
 what effort I make, how often I say my prayers or read the scriptures,
 whether I fast or not, whether I write lovelets to you or give you
 roses, or anything else that I have been able to recognize.  'I
 misjudge others and so I am to be misjudged.'  Or is it 'I am
 misjudged and so I misjudge others.'  Or is it 'I call a spade a
 spade and so I am misjudged.'  You judge.  I can't anymore, because
 I know, deep in my heart, I am nothing but a failure.  It seems to me
 like Roice or should I say Dad bashing is a self-justifying,
 self-feeding, habitual exercise in our family.  Time will certainly
 tell who is really judgmental, and what the roots of contention and
 selfishness are in our 'home.'  I hope you are right, that it is all
 me, and that I will be able to recognize this and change in a manner
 that is acceptable to my conscience, to God, and to you and the kids. 
 In the meantime I will try my hardest not to fall apart and to show
 you and the kids how much I love you."

#379, 12Mar96, The Cave, Before and After, and Dinner.
"I love you because you got the kids to go with us to the Cave,
 Before and After, and dinner at Bennigans.  I thought it was
 a wonderful afternoon.  I think the kids liked it, and I 
 especially felt Melanie liked having her friends spend time
 with us.  They were a little uncomfortable, especially as
 Mia and Lisa (?) started talking about Terminator 2 and Pet
 Cemetery 4 (which both they immediately denied ever either
 seeing), but I felt that public recognition of our values was
 good too.  I thought it was wonderful and strongly recommend we
 do something like this with our kids and their friends at least
 once a month.  I realize money is an issue, but between us we
 are smart enough to figure out a way to do this kind of an 
 activity.  Thanks for a better day than Sunday, and thanks for
 staying with Melanie and agreeing to help attempt to teach her
 that we should avoid the very appearance of evil if we are not
 to be led from the iron rod by the wiles of Satan.  I love you."

#380, 13Mar96, College Station with Melanie.
"I love you because you went to College Station with Melanie.
 I often feel like an Old Testament Prophet warning his family
 to come out of Sodom and Gomorra.  In my mind, much like Lehi
 must have felt when Sariah complained that he was 'a visionary
 man,' etc.  Thanks again for staying with Melanie and agreeing
 to help attempt to teach her that we should avoid the very
 appearance of evil if we are not to be led from the iron rod
 by the wiles of Satan.  I fear that you slept uncomfortably
 and will have complained about my unreasonableness either
 verbally or with body language to a degree that the message
 Melanie and Ben will hear will be reversed from what was intended.
 So be it, if this is the case.  Whatever the outcome I love you."

#381, 14Mar96, Gambler's Ruin.
"I love you because you can be a 'horny toadlet' (see #103, 10Jun95).
 I was going to use your phrase as a title, but I remembered what
 Dr. Aronson said and it seemed more appropriate.  The idea is that
 a true gambler only has to win every once in a while in order to
 believe they are just around the corner from the next jackpot.  I
 recognize this tendency in my professional life, and there are
 reason's to believe that the tendency spills over into my personal
 life.  However, with or without 'winning,' please know I love you.

 Another thought for the title was 'marshmallows.'  Why?  Because
 of the marshmallow test for emotional intelligence, i.e. can someone
 wait for a better reward or do they need to have their desired
 objective immediately.  The differences we talked a little about 
 last night are natural.  As I recall from my reading, men are often
 fast and women often slower at some things.  It is important to 
 learn to accept, expect, and enjoy these kinds of differences.  It
 is part of emotional intelligence, a learnable intelligence.  Just
 because you don't like to wait to open Christmas presents, it does
 not mean that I don't enjoy the anticipation and the wait.  If
 anything, it is a way for me to convince you how much I love you."

#382, 15Mar96, Third Degree.
"I love you because you can see things I don't see.  Like the fact
 that Sara was possibly reacting to getting the 'third degree' as
 much as the questions she was being asked.  However, please look
 at the conversation I heard:

 Sara: 'We have been up all night, except for about an hour.' 
 Me: 'What were you doing?' 
 Sara: 'Watching TV and jumping on the trampoline.'
 Me: 'What were you watching on TV?'
 Sara: 'Ahh . . . , I don't remember.'

 Now, maybe, this is where I should have dropped it.  Let me try to
 put an instantaneous reaction into words.  To start with, she lied
 to me.  She absolutely knew what she watched a few hours before on
 the TV.  If she had nothing to hide she would have just said what
 she watched.  But in our family (my fault completely, I'm sure), it
 is 'easier' to avoid speaking the truth and to sneak and lie.  I do
 not handle this well.  In case you haven't figured it out yet, I
 have an instantaneous and probably too of a strong emotional reaction
 to being lied to.  On a more rational basis, I have found the
 conversation in the newspapers and magazines about the V-Chip
 technology very interesting.  However, it makes no sense to me to
 have that kind of technology if parents are not involved in what
 their kids are watching on TV.  There are a lot of very detrimental
 things on the tube.  Some seem innocent, like 'Three's Company;' that
 is until one's oldest two sons move in with girls who, in Mia's case,
 take them to the R-rated movie 'Species' at midnight (in my opinion
 as a surrogate sexual experience).  Or until the boys stop saying
 prayers and stop going to church and deliberately choose to miss out
 on the one experience that will help them in their lives more than
 anything they will learn at school, at home, or in the work place:
 namely a mission.  Sure I can beat myself up for working too hard,
 for not being home, and for reacting in ways proportional to my
 disappointment when I saw the kids choices.  But the bottom line is
 the way Roice and Ben are choosing to live their lives, and it is not
 going to bring lasting happiness.  Some TV programs seem deadly, like
 Paul and Rob's fascination with 'Highlander' (the immortal who can
 screw and kill anyone and he still lives because he is immortal). 
 Some programs seem like family killers, like '90210' (where the
 emphasis of the programs I have seen is on getting what you want
 immediately; i.e. clothes, boys, girls, etc.) and 'The Simpsons'
 (where the parents are screwed up clowns and the kids know all of
 the right answers).  Does this make any sense to you?

 The rest of my conversation was simply an attempt to get Sara to 
 admit that she was lying and that she knew what she was watching
 and that she had compromised.  I don't do that well.  I did close
 as positive as I could, with, 'Well, think about why you won't answer
 me.  Be sure to have a good time at Galveston.'  So why don't you
 coach me and help me learn to do it better?  Don't simply pass my
 efforts off as being all wrong because I 'give the third degree.' 
 In fact, wouldn't it be nice if when we talked about the third degree
 in our family we were talking about the highest level of the Celestial
 Kingdom?  What a concept.  Sort of like my saying 'I love you.'"

#383, 16Mar96, Don't Get It.
"I love you because you sometimes 'don't get it,' like at the
 play 'The C-R-Y-P-T-O-G-R-A-M' at the Alley Theatre last night. 
 I'm sure there were a bunch of messages the author was trying
 to pass on, and most of them were probably tied to an unhappy
 home life and experiencing his parents divorce as a child.  
 The difference in quality and content between that play and, 
 for example, 'Swedish Roots' is so phenomenal that the same
 words come to my mind: 'I don't get it.'  But maybe that is what
 life is suppose to be all about.  To steal from your poetry line:

   'Life, like river water flows
    With imperfections suspended
    Passing where the delta grows
    Leaving bare stones flaunted'

 Thanks for going to the play last night.  Thanks for explaining
 the notes on the Houston Westside Marriott note paper this morning.
 Thanks for being my wife, even if you 'don't get it,' i.e. that
 I love you."

#384, 17Mar96, Scanning.
"I love you because you were so happy to see Rob's reaction as I
 praised him for doing the scanning for me.  I was pleased also.
 Not as much with his reaction, as with his work.  I hope that
 we can do a lot more of that kind of 'bonding' with the computers
 set up at the house.  Thanks for understanding my long hours and
 efforts to have the move to go as smooth as possible.  I love you."

#385, 18Mar96, Like To Kiss.
"I love you because you told me this afternoon you like to kiss.
 I know I told you I do too, but let me say it again: I like to
 kiss . . . you!  A lot!  [:-<>]  Thanks!  I love you."

#386, 19Mar96, Work Habits and All of The Stress of Moving.
"I love you because you put up with my work habits and all of the
 stress of moving offices.  Sometimes I feel like you even enjoy
 my work habits; which causes me concern because of my insecurities
 about not being missed, and you not wanting me around.  But looking
 on the positive side of the coin, thanks for putting up with, and,
 at least acting as if you understand, what is going on in my life
 these days.  Thanks, and hopefully it is of some return value
 knowing that I love you."

#387, 20Mar96, Defending Sweet Paul.
"I love you because you were so quick to defend 'Sweet Paul' last
 night.  I'm sorry if I attacked him because of the mess that was
 made in the music room and office.  I just don't understand how
 someone can do a job like moving a desk and a credenza out of an
 office can create such a big mess.  But my Mom never understood
 why I got so dirty or tore out so many pair of Levi's.  And life
 goes on anyway.  Just like the fact that I love you."

#388, 21Mar96, I always like the way you look.
"I love you because of your physical reaction to the conversation
 this morning: 
   You: 'I had a headache all night long.  I have a valid reason
         for not going to school today.  Don't I look wonderful
         today?'  (The last comment wreaking with sarcasm.)
   Me:  'I always love the way you look!'  (This is a statement of 
         fact; whether you are dressed to kill, getting ready for
         work, crying, or yelling at the kids!)
   You: Cuddled up against me and my stinky running clothes.  I wish
        I could put in words how much this non-verbal communication
        meant to me.  Thanks!
 I wish I knew how to separate the soul (the merged material and the
 spiritual) from the process in my conversations with you.  I love
 you, that is I love your soul.  I love the way you look.  I love
 your mind and your keen intellect.  I love your voice and your
 writing ability.  I love the testimony you have shared with me and
 others in the past.  I love how we fit together in so many different
 ways.  However, I have a hard time with the way you keep the house,
 feed the family, and react to and treat me.  Just as you have a hard
 time with the way I have attempted to teach the children.  I am not
 the way I have reacted to Robert.  You are not whether there is clean
 laundry or clean dishes.  Those are examples of process gone awry. 
 They are not you.  They are not the reason I love you, nor are they
 reasons to hate you, Marti Nelson, your soul.  No process is you. 
 These processes are separate from you, they are not you, they are
 learned behaviors that, when appropriate, can be changed.  They have
 nothing to do with loving you or hating you.  I can love you and hate
 the choices you make.  Hopefully some day you will be able to again
 do the same with me.  The choices are not you until you can no longer
 make a better choice (like my Mom has allowed her life to degrade to).
 Anyway, thanks for cuddling up to me this morning.  I recognize the
 cuddling is also process, and I don't mean to imply that process can
 not be the basis of love and hate.  But we need to recognize we are
 loving and hating the process and not the soul.  Please know when I
 say I love you, I love your soul.  In other words, I love you."

#389, 22Mar96, Landmark Stock.
"I love you because of the way you looked at me as you told me
 about Landmark stock going to $26/share three weeks after we
 sold 5,000 shares at $22.50.  You were so cute as you stood 
 there in your nightgown and said, 'Well, I guess we should know
 that if we some stock the price will go up.'  I am truly sorry
 that you have felt a lack of stability with the things I am
 working on.  I am more convinced than ever that I am right on
 track, and I thank you for sticking with me without seeing where
 I am taking us.  There was a nice post in MOCHIN this morning
 about control and that the only acceptable control is to help
 others be able to have complete control of their lives.  It
 stressed this is only accomplished through love.  I feel you
 have given me that freedom, but have not felt you have that same
 freedom.  I am sorry if this is your feeling.  It has never been
 my intention.  I sincerely hope that the things I am attempting
 to do with you and for the family give you more of a sense of
 control of your own destiny because I do love you."

#390, 23Mar96, Up Close and Personal.
"I love you because you were so quick to say you would be glad to
 go to the movie 'Up Close and Personal' even though you went to
 it with one of your friends when I was working late.  Thanks for
 thinking about me.  I think about you all of the time.  This is
 probably because I love you."

#391, 24Mar96, ISDN.
"I love you because you excited about having an ISDN line in the
 house.  Sometimes I think you are as much of a techie as I am.
 Guess that is another reason why I love you."

#392, 25Mar96, I Love To Look At You.
"I love you because you can be so self conscious.  Thanks for driving
 me to the airport.  I love to look at you.  I do not understand why 
 you do not want me to look at you.  You spend time making yourself
 look nice, and so it would seem you would enjoy the fact that someone
 enjoys looking at you.  I do.  I do because I love you."

#393, 26Mar96, Piano Recital.
"I love you because you were with me in my mind at Rotary with Dad.
 The program was a piano recital.  It was very nice, and the young
 girls did very well.  Their teacher plays the piano for the Rotarians
 and she played that Spanish song that is often associated with 
 classical guitar.  It was really enjoyable.  It reminded me of you
 playing the piano or the harp at home.  As I watched Dad struggle,
 I could not get my mind off of how short life is, and how much I
 want you to be happy and feel the same success these young girls
 and their teacher felt.  Why?  Because I love you."

#394, 27Mar96, Utah Office.
"I love you because you would go to Utah with me if I thought it
 was the right time to move.  I don't, even though I feel like I
 have a Utah office at The Gardner Partnership Architects.  I am
 very much at home there, and enjoy the environment and the people.
 I hope we are able to get some work, because I think it would be
 really nice to transition into working in Utah.  Now we just need
 to figure out a way for you to make that same kind of transition.
 It doesn't make any sense to make it easy for me, and have it be
 a hard move for you.  It is important to me that if we move to 
 Utah, you want to go, you are comfortable with the move, and you
 have made as many steps as I have to transition to the new alien
 environment.  I know you don't think this way, but I hope you don't
 mind if I worry about these things for you.  It is only because
 I love you."

#395, 28Mar96, Winding River Associates.
"I love you because you will enjoy what Winding River Associates
 is developing.  There will be a new dam and a big lake built just
 south of the property Winding River Associates plans to develop.
 It will be absolutely beautiful.  Red Navajo sandstone and black
 volcanic shorelines with red sandstone beaches.  It will be one
 of the most beautiful places in the world (it is to me already).
 I know you need beauty, and I am sure that this will become one
 of your favorite places to go and read or think.  I think about
 you and this lovely place and I fall in love with you again."

#396, 29Mar96, Snow.
"I love you because you understand me better than I understand myself.
 Dad's birthday was a real experience for me.  He did not want to do
 anything.  The first morning I was in Utah it was absolutely beautiful
 weather.  Probably mid-70's.  No clouds.  Des was planting barley.
 Dad mentioned that it would snow by the end of the week.  I kind of
 laughed at him, thought about my correlation of snow with approval
 from God or of something important in my life, and recalled how you
 have laughed at my comments along these lines.  My turn to laugh.
 I went to the St. George temple on Thursday evening after spending
 the afternoon with Bud Cannon, Ray Gardner, Scott Truman, locking
 my keys in the car, and having the battery die.  Spent some time with
 Grandma, and didn't get back to Cedar until about 11:00 PM.  It was
 windy on the way back, and the radio said there was a chance of snow.
 I was laughing to myself, thinking about Dad, you, and me.  Then I
 woke up on Dad's 80th birthday and there was 6-8 inches of snow on
 the ground.  It was really touching.  Wrote a stanza about how the
 snow was like a crown of white light (like the fruit on the tree in
 Lehi and Nephi's dream) on the farm, and the perfect 80th birthday 
 present for Dad.  I tell myself this snow stuff is just superstition,
 but I realized in ways I can't describe how important it was to Dad.
 He quietly said, 'You know it snows 9 out of 10 years on my birthday.'

 It was a dramatic reminder for me of how the day I showed the federal
 and state meat inspectors around the packing plant and lower plant and
 they told me they were 'shutting down the operation.'  I believe I have
 told you that Dad had just disappeared when they arrived, and I
 'inherited' the responsibility of showing them around.  It was really
 hard to listen to them joke about 'the old times' when things were 
 'worse than this in Kansas City,' brag about being a Stake President,
 and then shut down Dad's lifetime work with no appeal process.  As
 they left, I walked over to the two hired hands that I had worked with,
 teased, and been teased by with for years.  Bob Goodwin had been with
 Dad since World War II.  He said in tears, stay in college.  Gerald
 Black had only been there a couple of years.  He was a big guy, 6'3"
 and 250 lbs, who was scared of snakes (including dead ones that I
 would put in the back freezer to get him to leave me alone).  He had
 a terrible mouth and was tough.  Both with tears in their eyes, they
 stood there and expressed the regrets of their lives.  Just then a
 Southern Utah storm came up, and just like the effects in the movie
 'Gone With The Wind,' there was wind, black clouds, and rain, where
 a few minutes before it had been sunshine and bright skies.  The
 heavens literally weeped, and I do not believe it was coincidence.  It
 was an extremely emotional experience.  Probably is a basis for my
 conviction that God cares about each of us as individuals.  The snow
 storm on Dad's birthday might have been a coincidence.  In any case,
 it was the nicest birthday present he could have got, other than still
 being alive, and being able to do his 'job of taking care of Mom.' 

 What does all of this have to do with my love for you.  You already
 knew all of this stuff.  In some ways, you understand me better than I
 understand myself.  Because of this and 395+ other reasons, I love you."

#397, 30Mar96, Young Women's Broadcast.
"I love you because you already were planning on getting the girls
 to the Young Women's Broadcast when I called from Utah and asked
 you about it.  Thanks.  It is important for them and to me and I
 really appreciate your efforts.  I love you."

#398, 31Mar96, Kept Talking.
"I love you because you kept talking to me when I called on Sunday.
 It was really nice.  I felt missed and if I dare say it 'loved.'
 Thank you for talking to me and being so nice.  I love you."

#399, 01Apr96, Locked Keys In the Rental Car.
"I love you because I remembered you and could hear you laughing
 at me when I locked my keys in the rental car and had to call a 
 locksmith to get it open.  The sad part is that it is about three
 weeks later, and, as you have just read in Lovelet #396, I have
 already mixed up when this happened.  Thank you for your patience
 with my selective memory and misjudgments.  As I read in the
 scriptures last night, I will be judged the way I judge.  The upside
 is so will you.  Thanks for not judging me as hard as I judge myself.
 I do love you."

#400, 02Apr96, Cheerleaders.
"I love you because you have raised two cheerleaders.  I am sorry
 and yet glad that Sara didn't make the squad.  I am proud of
 Melanie, and think that cheerleading has been good for her, for
 her self esteem, and for her character.  I am concerned about the
 downsides of popularity at Taylor High School, but it is her life.
 In many ways I see the girls fulfilling your dreams.  Thank you
 for having those dreams.  I love you."

#401, 03Apr96, Grandma Hafen's History.
"I love you because you wrote Grandma Hafen's history out.  She has
 given this to a friend who writes histories for fun, and they have
 turned it into a real fun project for the two of them.  Grandma is
 very excited about the whole thing, and looks forward to getting it
 finished this fall.  It seems to be the one thing that is keeping
 her going right now.  I stopped to see her on the way to the airport,
 and it was all she could talk about.  Thanks for your efforts.  Your
 efforts are greatly appreciated by Grandma, and they are even more
 appreciated by me.  You do write good.  Thanks.  I love you."

#402, 04Apr96, Paul's Alleged Felony.
"I love you because you took care of Paul's alleged felony.  I look
 back on my response as being tired (being up all night traveling 
 from Vegas 1:00 AM CST to Houston 4:00 AM to Katy), being angry about
 Paul being out of the house at 1:00 AM and breaking family curfew, 
 and feeling like there is no control when I am not at home.  I don't
 know if I could have responded other than I did by going to sleep.
 But as it has unraveled, I greatly appreciate your going down and
 getting him out of prison, having a lawyer talk to him, and getting
 things on track for recovery.  Thanks.  I am sorry I am so weak in
 some areas.  It was nice to have you be the strong one.  I love you."

#403, 05Apr96, Stake Missionary Temple Trip.
"I love you because you didn't react to me going on the stake
 missionary temple trip.  It was a very good experience for me.
 It allowed me to put Paul's misconduct in perspective.  It reminded
 me of the special experiences you and I have had in the temple.  It
 allowed me to baptize and confirm Chris Schmidt for his Grandfathers,
 Great Grandfathers and other relatives.  It gave me an opportunity to
 visit with some good guys and get to know them.  It gave me an chance
 to put Dad's, Mom's, Paul's, yours, and my names on the temple prayer
 roll, which I had forgot to do when I went to St. George.  All in all,
 it was a very special experience.  I do not understand why you react 
 the way you do to the temple, and then turn around and tell people
 how wonderful the doctrine of vicarious baptisms is.  However, I do
 appreciate your support, as shown by lack of reaction, to my love of
 the temple and all that it stands for.  I love you."

#404, 06Apr96, I love You Just The Way You Are.
"I love you just the way you are.  I don't think I will love you more
 if you change and meet some of my expectations.  I don't think I will
 love you less if you don't meet any of my expectations.  I love you
 independent of temporal inconveniences, kids choices, secular activities,
 professional choices, information or food you choose to input, body
 size and shape, hairdo, clothes, participation in religious observances,
 the way I am interacted with, or even whether we eventually make it to
 the celestial kingdom together.  I do not think my having expectations
 is bad, any more than you having expectations of me.  I see this as
 independent of the fact that I love you just the way you are."

#405, 07Apr96, Tie Me Up?
"I love you because of your reaction in General Conference to my
 note: 'Should I be concerned when you tell your son to "tie me up?"'
 You are so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o cute when you are embarrassed.  I love you."

#406, 08Apr96, Paul's Suspension.
"I love you because you are concerned about Paul's suspension, and
 specifically that the punishment does not fit the crime.  You are
 right.  However, the whole experience is already turning out to 
 have some major benefits.  As you said, the kids didn't take it
 seriously until the school applied punishment.  On Sunday I was
 talking to John Daniels about Paul going to Youth Conference, and
 specifically that he did not have a band conflict that would keep
 him from participating.  He mentioned how Paul has been at activities,
 both Wednesday night and helping Josh with his Eagle Project, and how
 his attitude has noticeably changed towards helping, participating, and
 not acting like he has in the past.  I am also concerned that the
 punishment fit the crime.  However, I do see benefits.  I love you."

#407, 09Apr96, Opportunity Awareness Center.
"I love you because you encouraged me to take Paul to the 
 Opportunity Awareness Center.  It was good therapy for preparing
 me to meet with Mr. McDonald.  I was upset about the whole thing.
 Embarrassed.  Responded strongly to a nice secretaries that offered 
 me a cup of coffee, 'No thank you, I don't drink coffee or use any
 other stimulant.'  In general, the experience was probably exactly
 what I needed to make sure I kept control when I met with Mr.
 McDonald, Ken Burton, and Sherry Travis.  I was pleased that they
 let Paul enter a day early, that he will be eligible for the band
 trip, and that we will find out if Mr. Janda is, as you said to me,
 having 'the administration do his dirty work.'  I do see some real
 benefits coming out of this whole experience.  I love you."

#408, 10Apr96, Good Writer.
"I love you because you are a good writer.  Your letter to
 Mr. McDonald was extremely well done.  You definitely have a
 talent.  I encourage you to use your talent, aggressively.  Do
 not hide it under a bushel, but to put it on a candlestick, like
 the city on the hill that can not be hid.  Input is good (reading),
 but output is better (writing and serving others).  I love you."

#409, 11Apr96, Romeo and Juliet Projects.
"I love you because you are a good teacher.  I was very impressed
 with what you showed me of the Romeo and Juliet projects the kids
 in your class did on their exposure to Shakespeare.  Also, it is
 really nice to see you receive some cuddo's for your efforts.  It
 is obvious that teaching has not been easy for you.  But those 
 reports were tangible evidence of a job well done.  Congratulations.
 I love you."

#410, 12Apr96, Rob Being In Sara's Room.
"I love you because you reacted appropriately to Rob being in Sara's
 room.  I hope you understand how concerned I was and am about the
 lying and sneaking and stealing and fighting and contention.  I do
 not know what to do about it, and that is why I tried to get Rob to
 acknowledge his errors in this case.  I thought you handled yourself
 with grace and dignity.  Thanks!  I love you."

#411, 13Apr96, Reflection On The Screen.
"I love you because you invited me to participate in the screening of
 Jane Eyre, and I was able to see your reflection on the screen as Jane
 looked at her reflection in the window of her employer's mansion.  I 
 thought the movie was wonderful.  I realize that I judge entertainment
 on a different level, but then I will not be judged so harshly in my
 meager efforts to entertain.  I really would enjoy reading the book
 out loud with you.  I think it would be good for us to do something
 like read a book together again.  I think this because I love you."

#412, 14Apr96, Home Teachers In The Kitchen.
"I love you because you were embarrassed by having our Home Teachers
 in the kitchen.  They did come just as the spaghetti finished.  Melanie
 and Paul were in the kitchen eating.  I was getting others when they
 walked into the living room, say Melanie and Paul and went in to say
 hello.  I'm sorry the dishes were not done.  I have felt burned out
 and stretched, and realize I have not been doing the dishes as often
 as before my Utah trip.  We really need to reinstitute a process where
 the kids are responsible for doing some specific things around the
 house, like dishes, vacuuming, straightening the living room, cleaning
 out the music room, keeping the back hall straight, etc.  I am gun-shy
 of starting that conversation, but will if you will give me any
 encouragement at all.  I do not like to see you embarrassed.  I am not
 sure why, but I was pleased that you were embarrassed.  Forgive me and
 help me understand.   Maybe it helped me realize you do care, despite
 my concerns to the contrary.  Whatever the case, I love you."

#413, 15Apr96, Downtown Early.
"I love you because you have always understood when I have a lot of
 work to do, like when I needed to leave at 6:00 to go downtown early,
 to get ready for the presentations this week.  It has been a hard 
 week for me, and I really appreciate your not rocking the boat.  You
 never have relative to my work.  Thanks.  I love you."

#414, 16Apr96, Solution Mining Research Institute.
"I love you because you asked how my week went.  The presentation
 to the Solution Mining Research Institute was very well received
 (I mentioned the lady that came up and gave me a kiss on the cheek).
 It is really exciting for me to be involved in doing things that can
 make a real big difference.  Thank you for understanding and thank
 you for asking.  I love you."

#415, 17Apr96, Dog Shit.
"I love you because you don't see the dog shit.  I see it as a
 curse that I see so quickly that which is out of place and then
 immediately and intuitively project the patterns to the worst case
 scenario possible.  Sure butterflies in Brazil might be able to 
 create a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico, but so what.  I am sorry
 for this weakness.  Thank you for being happy, and not falling into
 the trap I find myself in.  Thank you for being able to look past
 problems and see what is important.  I love you."

#416, 18Apr96, Sara's Swimsuit.
"I love you because you took Sara to the Mall to find a swimsuit.
 I know you were tired.  I know you didn't want to.  I know it was
 not something you have any interest in.  But I also know it was
 important to Sara and that she needs that kind of time with you.
 Thanks for being there for her.  I love you."

#417, 19Apr96, Looking At Advantages And Disadvantages.
"I love you because you laughed so much at the movie we went to last
 night: Mrs. Winterbourne.  When the lead actor described what he does
 when he has a major decision to make, i.e. making a chart and looking
 at the advantages and disadvantages, it certainly reminded me of the
 T-Charts I have attempted to use over the years.  I did not think it
 was as funny as you did.  But it was nice to see you really enjoy 
 yourself, even if I didn't exactly understand what was so funny.  I
 do want you to enjoy life (just as I want to enjoy life).  I thought
 we had a good evening.  Thanks for saying you liked the 25 e-mail
 messages I caught up on yesterday.  I love you."

#418, 20Apr96, Boundaries.
"I love you because you are starting to set boundaries that I
 understand (or is it I am starting to recognize boundaries
 you set).  It is very hard not to violate boundaries if you
 don't recognize them or otherwise know where they are.  I really
 appreciate when you are specific and say 'I do not want to do
 this or that (right now),' or when you point out I am 'acting
 like Paul and won't take no for an answer.'  Keep up the good
 work.  I understand that ethereal boundaries can change, as was
 shown by Saturday's activities.  That is fine, as long as I
 understand which way the wind is blowing and where the boundaries
 are at any particular position on our space-time continuum. 
 Define the boundaries and I will observe them, because it is a
 fact that I love you."

#419, 21Apr96, Fat Knees.
"I love you because you told me you have 'fat knees.'  Your statement
 dramatically demonstrates how flawed your perception of reality is.
 The Random House Dictionary defines a knee as 'the joint of the leg
 that allows for movement between the femur and the tibia and is 
 protected by the patella.'  It is impossible for a joint, a
 connection or a boundary between two bones, to be fat.  I can imagine
 that the kneecap (patella) could be fat, but then back to reality, of
 all of the fat people I have met, I don't think any of them have any
 fat over their kneecaps.  Then you said you have fat toenails.  How
 far can a person who is so intelligent get from reality?  It gives me
 hope that I have also been misjudged and that there is hope for me
 (i.e. I am not as bad of a person as, over the last few years, I have
 come to believe I must be).  I'm pretty sure I can't be completely bad. 
 After all, I love you."

#420, 22Apr96, Early Dismissal.
"I love you because you were home with the kids a long time before
 I was when they got out of school at lunch with early dismissal.
 I had written it in my calendar, but there was so much to do that
 I couldn't get back to 'be around.'  Thank you and I love you."

#421, 23Apr96, Physical Exam.
"I love you because you got a physical exam.  I do not understand
 why this is so hard for you to do, but I recognize that it is very
 hard for you to do.  Thank you for doing it, and thank you for going
 back later in the week and having a mammogram.  I do not want to 
 loose you and be left alone any sooner than necessary.  In fact,
 based on everything you say, I would like to step over to the other
 side of the vail before you and let you have the time alone that you
 so desperately want.  Why?  Because I love you."

#422, 24Apr96, Van Dyke.
"I love you because you are not like Gene Van Dyke (and me).  Gene
 is a small independent oil man in Houston that I gave a presentation
 to about the VETL and the kind of things I could do for them on their
 Landmark Graphics workstation.  He is very entrepreneurial, and very
 quick to form a judgment.  I lasted about 40 minutes, and he wanted
 nothing more to do with me.  Don't know what I said that so turned
 him off, but I really did.  Thank you for not being as judgmental
 as what I encountered on Tuesday.  I love you."

#423, 25Apr96, LinCom.
"I love you because you are a major motivation for me to have a
 regular, defined, and sufficient income coming in.  I really 
 doubt if I would even worry about that if you were not here in the 
 background to remind me of my responsibilities.  Not that you ever
 say anything, but just knowing how important security is to you.
 I had good meetings with LinCom on Thursday, and believe that in
 our follow-up meeting this next Thursday I will secure a $5,000
 per month consulting agreement, along with an agreement in principle
 to purchase HyperMedia Corporation for about $1 million.  I love you."

#424, 26Apr96, Prom.
"I love you because you have supported both Melanie and Paul so
 well in regards to the prom.  I absolutely do not understand why
 this is so important, and especially why it is so important to spend
 the night with their dates and to literally allow Satan to play with
 them in his own territory.  I feel they should avoid compromising
 situations at all costs.  But I am doing my best to warn them, and to
 support you and them.  Thank you for being there for them.  I love you."

#425, 27Apr96, Dizzy.
"I love you because you like to kiss.  I love you because you make
 me dizzy, when you start kissing me like you did.  I love you 
 because you were concerned that I might catch your cold.  In summary,
 I love you."

#426, 28Apr96, Laundry.
"I love you because you did some of my laundry yesterday.  I had
 forgot all about it, and wouldn't have had any clean garment bottoms
 this morning if you wouldn't have washed whites for me.  Thanks for
 your unasked for help.  I love you."

#427, 29Apr96, Shopping.
"I love you because you went shopping for your friend Carole's 
 wedding shower after school.  I am very sorry that I acted jealous
 and suspicious because I didn't know where you were.  It isn't
 enough to say I am insecure, that I don't see how you can stay
 with me because of all of the anger you have towards me.  I do
 not understand the anger.  I do not understand what has happened
 to our family.  I feel completely lost and do not know what to do.
 I guess I can not do anything, except trust in God and love you."

#428, 30Apr96, Carole's Wedding Shower.
"I love you because you went to Carole's wedding shower.  I am glad
 you went, I am glad you pointed out to me that she was inactive for
 several years (and that there is hope for you), and I am glad
 she is getting married in the temple.

 I have had a lot of thoughts about this wedding, but don't know if
 I can put them into words that express the thoughts.  As I told you
 one night, I have drawn a connection to your lack of self esteem and
 to your feelings about the temple.  When I tried to explain my 
 thoughts to you, you said 'What does Carole's wedding have to do 
 with my feelings about the temple?'  It was obvious I did not 
 describe my feelings in an understandable way.  Therefore, I am 
 going to write down my thoughts and hope that I can write better
 than I can talk.

 I recognize that you feel I have 'thrown you in the garbage' again
 and again.  I accept responsibility for saying what I saw, not being
 empathetic, and often being wrong and judgmental.  I am truly
 sorry that I have impacted your self-esteem so strongly.  It was
 never my conscious intention to hurt you.  I recognize I have felt
 hurt and have slashed out verbally.  There is no excuse for this
 kind of behavior.  I am attempting to 'fast' from all shame and
 blame and I find I do a pretty poor job in this attempt to perform
 an ethical fast.  I am sorry, but I am trying.  I now recognize that
 your feelings in regards to the above referenced judgmental words
 have buried your already low self esteem.  I am sorry and I do not
 know what, if anything, I can do to help you recover from this
 psychological wound.  I will do anything that make the slightest
 bit of sense and would appreciate and need your guidance and help.

 Given this lack of any self-esteem, I have come to believe you have
 made the following conclusion: 'How can Roice want to be married to
 me, if I am this terrible of a person?'  A Marti-centric version of
 this same statement is:  'I don't want to be married to someone who
 thinks this of me!'  A third view of this same circumstance is a
 fear of being alone, a fear of someone taking your place, a fear of
 polygamy.  I hear my imagination of your thoughts saying, 'If he is
 just going to go and marry someone else, why should I waste my time
 and put up with his abuse.'  I do not think I abuse you.  But because
 of your destroyed self-esteem, I believe I don't have to do anything
 but look at you wrong and it is perceived as abuse. 

 I recognize I do not know what your feelings were as you went to
 shop for Carole or to her shower.  I doubt that you know.  I hear you,
 when you say that I don't know you and don't understand you and am
 always drawing irrelevant conclusions.  I recognize that this is
 possibly one of those times.  However, I wanted to write out these
 thoughts with the hope that the could be the basis for a civil
 discussion.  I also have the dream that we might even go to that
 wedding together, to support your friend, and to review the covenants
 we made when we were married.  I believe more importantly than either
 of these reasons is to talk about whether I would ever marry again if
 you were to die, or if we were to get divorced. 

 I know you say you want to be alone.  However, when we are together,
 without the distraction of teenagers, it is my genuine impression
 that you enjoy being with me.  I want to help it be enjoyable all
 of the time.  I believe talking does help.  Let's talk.  I love you."

#429, 01May96, Salin Duriami.
"I love you because you were not concerned when you came home and
 there was a lady and her son in my office.  The boy is Sara's age.
 He was passing off a merit badge for one of his Eagle Palms.  He
 is a really good kid.  He goes to a private boarding school next
 year.  His name is Salin Duriami, and his older sister is Melanie's
 age.  It was a real pleasure to pass him off on the merit badge, 
 and it reminded me of all of the campouts with my own boys.  Thanks
 for supporting my meager efforts.  I love you."

#430, 02May96, Bob Cullpepper.
"I love you because you know the realistic side of my optimism so
 well.  I met with Dr. Bob Cullpepper and his associate Albert for
 lunch.  I thought we were going to finalize a consulting deal that
 would be worth $10,000 per month for us.  We talked about something
 that he hopes he can put $2,000 per month for the next two months 
 towards.  Sometimes I feel like such a fool.  Thank you for keeping
 me thinking about what I need to do to finance our family.  I know
 it comes across that I don't appreciate your realism.  But I do.  
 And I love you."

#431, 03May96, The Heiress.
"I love you because we went to 'The Heiress' together at the
 Alley and then went to Birraporetti's with Tracy Stark and his
 significant other and talked.  The play was absolutely wonderful.
 I would like to invite Sara and Melanie to go to it with me, first
 to do something together, and secondly to start a discussion about 
 why we make the choices we make and how we can not be controlled 
 by other's mistakes.  Do you think that is a good idea?  Thanks
 for an enjoyable evening.  I am sorry the play made you angry.
 Sometimes a little too much truth does that.  I love you."

#432, 04May96, Relationships.
"I love you because you are the motivation to continue to look at
 myself and try to understand myself better.  In my 29th session 
 with Dr. Aronson, he told me that rules without relationships have
 no meaning.  I saw this image of my aloof relationship with my
 father, and recognized that I do not have a much better relationship
 with my kids.  I want to fix that.  I need your help and guidance.
 Thanks in advance.  I love you."

#433, 05May96, Hurt.
"I love you because you understand me better than I understand
 myself when I am hurt.  Yes, I felt that the kids rejected me,
 looking over at me and then turning and getting into the car
 with someone else to get a ride home from church.  Yes, I am
 hurt that you have decided the church is not true and don't
 stay for Sunday School and Relief Society.  But as we discussed,
 after I calmed down, I was really hurt that friends said things
 that I took as judgmental of me and my role as a father, i.e.:
 'Why hasn't Melanie come to  my Sunday School class in the last
 three months?'; and 'If anyone in the ward understands erratic
 behavior it should be you, the behavior of an alcholholic, which
 I believe you or your wife grew up with.'  Thanks for coming to
 me and talking to me and then listening.  I needed that.  Thanks.
 I love you."

#434, 06May96, Kids Being Misjudged.
"I love you because you are so protective of the kids being misjudged.
 Paul's felony court hearing was a farce.  They weren't on the docket.
 The felony charges have been dropped.  He was misjudged.  But he did
 learn a good lesson.  Rob's being kicked off of the bus for something
 he didn't do is also a misjudgment.  I am sure that those responsible
 will understand the errors of their ways tomorrow.  I have also
 consistently misjudged the kids.  I am sorry.  I am trying very hard
 to have hard facts before I pass sentence.  Thanks for helping me to
 do this.  I love you."

#435, 07May96, Family Mobile.
"I love you because you let me tell you about `the other significance
 conversation' I had with Dr. Aronson last Friday; namely my comment,
 `No one is making any effort to make changes but me, things are
 getting better, and therefore I must have been the cause of the
 problems in the beginning;' and his response `I hate to stop the
 self-flagellation, because I know how much you enjoy it, but you 
 really need to not jump into such linear thinking; think of a family
 more like a mobile, and recognize when one part of the mobile changes
 position, it affects all of the other parts.'  This was probably the
 first time since we before we got married I briefly lost a sense of
 being responsible for all of the pain that seems to always surround
 me.  Thanks for letting me share this with you.  I love you."

#436, 08May96, Virtual Seminar.
"I love you because you get right to the point when I do something
 new like the Virtual Seminar, namely: 'How much are you getting paid
 to do this?'  This first Virtual Seminar was done for advertising
 purposes.  It will be talked about at the AAPG, specifically in the
 Visiting Geologist Committee Meeting.  This will get the word out to
 every University in the world that this is a new offering and for a
 mere $145 they can have Roice Nelson explain a case history of using
 the Landmark Graphics Workstation.  I have several leads that I need
 to follow-up on or find a salesperson who is willing to work for a
 commission to follow-up on to do the same presentations for industry
 for $445 each.  I realize it doesn't sound like much, but each seminar
 will last about 1 1/2 hours.  There is no expense, so it is all profit,
 unless I give someone a 15% sales commission.  Even at this we are 
 looking at 15 commercial seminars a month to exceed all of our needs.
 I am very optimistic about this one.  Thanks for hanging in there with
 me.  The reviews of the first Virtual Seminar were great.  I love you."

#437, 09May96, A Good Thing.
"I love you because you told me 'It is a good thing you are doing.'
 Thank you!  It is wonderful that you appreciate the lovelets.  It is
 my intention to continue this tradition as long as I am alive, and
 actually I intend to continue to do it for eternity.  I love you."

#438, 10May96, What's the Big Deal About the Web?.
"I love you because you know how to think.  Your insights: `What's
 the big deal about the web?  I can get better information in more
 depth from an encyclopedia!  Or any other number of reference books
 that I have access to!  The poetry section is really bad!  It is just
 plain boring!' etc. are all right on track.  I will first respond to
 your question with a specific example of the power of the web, and
 then expand on your thoughts, as a way of saying I love you.

 I was asked to put together a proposal for a Kiosk for Shell Oil a
 few weeks ago for the Orlando area.  I got on the net and looked up
 geological consulting groups in Florida and found one that had an
 interesting description of the work they do.  Called them on the phone
 and found they do not have time for doing this kind of thing, even
 though it was interesting.  (They are a prime candidate for a Virtual
 Seminar on how we used high resolution geophysics on the Boling Salt
 Dome project!)  She referred me to a marketing agent that she had done
 some work with.  His name is Leo Holwitz.  We became good friends.  In
 48 hours he had visited the Shell station where the initial prototype
 was done, had taken photographs of the prototype system, scanned the
 photos, and ftp'd them to me.  These photos were in the proposal which
 I presented to Shell the next day.  We didn't get the contract, but we
 learned a lot and learned how to do a better job of leveraging the web
 on the next project like this.

 To expand on your thoughts about the limitations of the web, and 
 particularly the fact that it is 'just plain boring' I would like you
 to compare it to singing my songs with me, playing the piano, going to
 school, mixing music, playing the synthesizer, playing the harp, 
 cleaning house, washing dishes, laundry, teaching, sex, kids, family,
 church, and life.  I think your comments and questions hit on one of
 the basic reasons God has given us an opportunity to live.  It is the
 basis behind much of what David Devor writes about that I like so much,
 namely, `What is my prime aim (essence, essence-desire, essence-friend,
 essence-struggle, essence-trait)?'  In other words, why am I alive?  What
 am I willing to put my life on the line for?  What is more important to
 me than my own life and physical needs?  What master do I serve?  Who is
 it that I really love: myself, or my neighbor, or Christ?  I love you."

#439, 11May96, Breakfast with Margie.
"I love you because you went with Kathy Deford and had breakfast
 with Margie.  I always had the impression, based on comments you
 made when you were teaching Young Women with Margie, that you didn't
 like her for some reason.  It was a real revelation when they were 
 leaving to hear how much she means to you.  I think it is wonderful
 that you have feelings like that for others like Margie Law.  I hope
 you will have a desire to recognize those feelings for others that
 live in our ward now, and to share those feelings with them.  I
 strongly believe you desperately need friends, and that you isolate
 yourself, hiding in your books, because you are afraid of being hurt
 again and again and again.  Like your parents hurt you.  Like I have
 hurt you.  Like our children have hurt you.  Your low self esteem
 will not allow you to believe anyone can love you.  But we do, and
 specifically, I hope you can hear me when I say: I love you!"

#440, 12May96, Depression.
"I love you because you recognize that everything is not right;
 namely you said to me `Is it a sin to be depressed?' Of course it
 is not a sin to be depressed.  To quote Franz Kafka `There are two
 cardinal sins from which all others spring: impatience and laziness.'

 Since depression is a treatable disease, the only sin is to not do
 something about it.  Quoting from Lord chesterfield on December 26,
 1749: `No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination; never put off
 till tomorrow what you can do today.'

 I recognize these are strong words to say to someone who is depressed
 and, it seems to me, feels overwhelmed at getting up in the morning,
 but it seems to me to be good advice.  I looked up the references and
 share them with you in this lovelet because I love you!"

#441, 13May96, Is It OK?
"I love you because you looked at the eggs I was poaching this morning
 and said is it OK?  I'm not sure why, but it was very nice to hear the
 words.  Maybe because they sounded caring.  Maybe because they sounded
 like you care.  Maybe because with all that is happening with Dad, Mom,
 Grandma, and the verbal abuse from Melanie last night, it was just nice
 to hear something nice.  Maybe it's just because I so desperately want
 you to know how much I love you."

#442, 14May96, Hormones.
"I love you because you talked to me this evening about how you
 have acted the last couple of weeks, and specifically said that
 now that your period has stopped the effect of the hormones the
 Doctor prescribed seem to be having less effect.  I do my best
 to tell myself that that is what is going on, that I am not as
 terrible of a person as I usually feel I must be, and that some
 day you will be able to like me and possibly even love me in 
 the way I love you.

 It was fun to watch Paul and his friends build their mobiles
 for their project (with the obvious copying of the one I built to
 describe where I am and where our family as of 12 May 1996).  It
 was even more fun to watch you evaluate their work, to see you
 smile, and to have you stop me and give me a kiss.  Thanks.  It
 is nice to have you back until this time next month.  I love you."

#443, 15May96, Chess.
"I love you because of how you reacted to the 'Benjamin Bengt
 Dialogue Board' and the conversation between Ben and I about
 the chess game we have started.  It was so nice to see you laugh,
 and to enjoy something I am doing with one of our kids.  It was
 one of those moments that make the long periods of perceived
 rejection bearable.  Thanks!  I love you."

#444, 16May96, Dad's Death.
"I love you because you understood my reaction to Dad's death, and
 specifically my desire to have all of the kids at Dad's funeral.
 There was no question about whether it was important or not or whether
 we could afford it or not.  In fact, you figured how to pay for it out
 of the anticipated tax return.  Thank you for the support.  I love you."

#445, 17May96, Travel to Utah.
"I love you because you helped make the travel to Utah go very smooth.
 You talked to Paul about the stress he was feeling, while I was busy
 putting together the report for Rhonda to take to Carl Brassow.  You
 got the girls signed up and flew out later with them and drove them
 to Cedar City from Las Vegas.  You did what needed to be done, didn't
 complain, and seemed to enjoy yourself.  Thanks for continuing to be
 a pioneer.  I love you."

#446, 18May96, Funeral.
"I love you because you took over leading the music, made sure 
 the kids were ready and at the church on time, stayed and visited
 with family, put up with Carl, talked to Roice and Darrell, helped
 with kids, and were a real trooper.  Thanks for making it so I 
 didn't have to worry about any of that stuff.  Mom and doing
 everything right so as to not embarrass her regarding the funeral
 arrangements was more than enough for me to worry about.  Please
 note, we can act as a team and we both feel good about it when we
 do.  I love you."

#447, 19May96, Travel to Houston.
"I love you because you went along with my decision as to when to
 travel back to Houston.  I realize how hard it is to travel all
 night to be back for the Sabbath.  I have been doing it for years.
 I also realize we could have slept in Cedar and traveled Sunday
 morning.  I would much rather make a little sacrifice of sleep and
 be able to make it to my missionary correlation meeting (which I
 did) and to listen to Tyler's homecoming speech (which was absolutely
 wonderful) than to blatantly break the Sabbath.  I understand the
 importance of being home on Monday for school, and think it turned
 out OK; except for my frustrated reaction to kids (Melanie's lunch
 that was justified Sabbath breaking because it was expensive, Ben's
 not willing to come home and say hi to Tyler and Matt and my
 interpretation of what was going on [where he was sleeping] with
 his 'secret' trip to Dallas, Roice's attitude [specifically about
 his 'new girlfriend' and having no desire to visit home], Sara's
 insistence of spending the night at Amy's, and Rob's tired-based
 whining], and your Sunday marriage to the Macintosh and reactions to
 Sara [hanging up the phone three times].  I'm sure I was reacting
 to my Mother's indiscretions at the viewing and the funeral and to
 being tired myself.  You were very gracious and accepted my apology
 for my angry outburst.  Thank you.  I truly am sorry.  I love you."

#448, 20May96, Pest Control and Tax Return.
"I love you because you have always taken care of things like when
 the man was going to come and take care of pest control and tax
 return planning.  I realize it was uncalled for to say receipt of 
 the $13,000 tax return was the reason you were in a good mood.  I
 am sorry.  Thanks for being willing to do things like fix the pool
 cleaner with that money.  I would really like to see Sara's room
 fixed, the handles on the two showers upstairs replaced, a new water
 heater, fixing all the holes in the walls, and new carpet.  But I
 am going to make no demands or question at all how the money is
 used.  It is sufficient that you are still with me and the kids,
 which I have come to understand as I have questioned how much I
 really do love you.  I love you a lot more than I know how to say."

#449, 21May96, Check My Mail.
"I love you because you were so cute as you carefully explained to
 me how you had been on the computer to `check my mail.'  Of course,
 since you have told me I am the only one you get mail from, I was
 able to extrapolate that to how you missed not having me get these
 lovelets caught up.  Thanks for letting me know you appreciate my
 efforts, even if it was in a backhanded way.  I love you."

#450, 22May96, Overpaid the University of New Hampshire.
"I love you because you are so excited about your second summer away
 from home.  You got a call today from Amy Chick saying you overpaid
 the University of New Hampshire for your room and board.  I think it
 is neat you are so excited about school.  I do worry about your
 motivation (based on 'joking comments' like you want to escape from
 responsibilities of keeping the house clean), but am pleased that
 you want to continue to expand your capabilities.  I worry about your
 priorities (best summarized by the scripture 'ever learning but never
 coming to a knowledge of the truth') and the balance in your life of
 the spiritual with the intellectual.  But I do believe that the time
 will come when you will take the time to contemplate time beyond the
 moment and what the message of the restoration is really all about 
 in terms of `eternal life' and seeing beyond the despised `rules.'
 I hope these words don't offend you and that you can see in them how
 much I care and how much I love you."

#451, 23May96, Go For A Walk With Me.
"I love you because you were willing to go for a walk with me.  It was
 wonderful.  Thank you for being willing to do this, and specifically
 thank you for talking to me.  As I said, I wish we would of started
 doing this together when we first got married.  But we started
 Wednesday night, and we can do it for the second half of our lives
 (only three times a week).  I see great benefits coming from doing
 this.  I hope you do also and I hope you know I love you."

#452, 24May96, Mission Impossible.
"I love you because you were willing to go to Mission Impossible with
 me last night.  The movie was hard to follow, but it did bring back a
 lot of good memories.  The KeyNotes used to get together to watch that
 show.  I realize you probably needed to work on grades and other
 school stuff, but you did look and act frazzled.  I hope it didn't
 cause any problems.  Thanks for being like me and not wanting to wait
 to see a new movie.   See we do have more in common than you sometimes
 seem to imply.  Besides, of course, the fact that I love you."

#453, 25May96, Reggie.
"I love you because you like my (and Ken's) friend Reggie, and said he
 `seems like a nice guy' on the way to the play.  I'm sorry I reacted,
 so strongly and with the statement `at least he's the right color.'

 I feel a need to explain where my head was.  Largely it was colored
 by an emotional outburst by Roice (`Well, I don't believe in that!')
 in response to my sarcastic comment (`that makes sense because
 tomorrow is the Sabbath') in response to his and Paul's discussion
 about him taking Jessica to see Twisters `tomorrow afternoon.'  The
 emotion and the intensity of Roice's emotional reaction cut me to
 the core.  My immediate, and I recognize, emotional response was to
 take scripture `we do not doubt because our mothers knew it' (Alma
 56:48) and say to myself `Why do you not believe?'  A more rational
 and much later response was `I have had rules without a relationship
 and therefore the rules are meaningless.'  There is probably truth
 at both ends of this spectrum, as destructive as the one end is to
 you and as masochistic as the other is.  You say it well when
 you point out how my fears control my responses and interactions. 

 I love your enthusiasm for teaching and all of your efforts.  However,
 I resent, more than you can know, the effort and time you spend
 working with your kids at school when it contrasts so sharply with
 the way you turn away from and, what appears to me, selfishly ignore
 your own children.  My rational head says `Well she is just following
 my example and the way I have always buried myself in my work,' or 
 `that is the real sin my Dad and his Dad committed, not teaching me
 by example how to spend time with my family or doing anything other
 than work.'  Is this rational or just self-depreciating? 

 I watched the movie about Ruby Ridge last Sunday and Tuesday and it was
 full of childhood words like `nigger.'  It amazed me how quickly these
 words became a part of my thought processes in regards to you, your
 teaching, your school kids, the pictures of you with the kids in your
 classes (when you won't let there be a picture of you with your own
 children), reacting to the way the house has been kept (not taking my
 responsibility for my not fixing shower faucets, holes in walls, etc.),
 remembering how embarrassed you were when I visited your house on
 Lori street and there wasn't any furniture in the living room (when I
 didn't notice or really even care, except that you were embarrassed) and
 listening to Sara talk about how her room has been for two years (again
 taking no personal responsibility) and how she is embarrassed to have
 people come over to visit her, wondering if you are simply reverting
 in your hurt and pain to the lifestyle of your ancestors and their 
 neighbors in Wyntrop, Arkansas, etc.  Therefore, when Reggie came over,
 I came in to invite you to meet him to prove to myself where your
 comfort level was with regards to people being in our house.  I
 certainly don't feel I could invite Alan Peterson over to play guitars,
 the Grua's to spend an evening sharing their poetry and reading ours,
 or invite the Burgerners or the McBrides or others to come over and
 spend an evening discussing things of mutual interest.

 Then we went to that play.  The lead was Melanie.  The telephone lady
 was my mother.  Serge, in his shorts, was Roice, as he looked in the
 backyard earlier in the day.  Otto was Rob.  Ford was Ben.  I was
 offended at the laughter next to me and the glances in my direction
 when certain phrases and comments were made.  I could see nothing but
 that this lifestyle is what my family is choosing to follow.  To quote
 from Timothy: `Ever learning and never coming to a knowledge of the
 truth.'  And then on the way home you agree with me, rightly, about
 what a failure I am.  I wanted to be an Old Testament Prophet and call
 everyone in our family to repentance, my normal mode of operation,
 firmly believing that like the Old Testament prophets have been
 justified as right over time, I will be also.  So we came home, I
 waited up, at 12:30 locked all of the doors and went to bed.  Paul and
 Roice were not home.  At 2:00 I made you get up to see if Paul was home. 
 He was.  Never asked him what time he came in.  When I got up Sunday
 morning, Roice was sleeping on the bricks in the backyard without a
 pillow.  I unlocked the door and invited him to sleep on the couch. 
 It was symbolic.  If those I love and care for will come to the door
 I will let them in.  It will even happen quicker if they knock.  It
 can't happen if they choose to live the ways of the world.

 Friday after graduation Paul told me that all of the Assistant Principals
 came up to him and told him he was targeted as a trouble maker, that he
 had better not do the worm across the stage, or that he would be locked
 up.  It pissed me off.  When I was looking for Sara and Melanie I saw
 Mr. McDonald.  I attacked him verbally as strongly as I ever have anyone.
 I pointed out how much I resented the Principal's comments to Paul.  I
 told him I felt he had badly misjudge Paul.  He responded `that is your
 right.'  I told him how Mr. Janda had Paul practice the worm twice at
 band rehearsals.  I told him Paul wouldn't have done the worm at 
 graduation because Mr. Yanda hadn't practiced it with him.  I told him
 about Paul's OAC diary.  I told him it was going to the Board of
 Directors.  I didn't flatten him, but I watched him escape from my
 bad breath and anger.  Then I walked out and saw a young man screaming
 at and calling his girlfriend a `m----- f------ b---.'  I walked over and
 stood between him and his girl friend and told him to back off.  He told
 me she was his `woman' and he could `do what ever he wanted.'  I stayed
 put.  He told me to get out of the way.  I moved to counter his movements.
 He called me a `m----- f------ 50 year-old paunch' and expressed how he
 wasn't afraid of me.  I reached out and shook his hand and said `Welcome
 to the new generation' and went to find you having gone for a walk and
 the four kids in the car all making excuses for their behavior.  Nothing
 was said on the way home.  However, Rob was not allowed to watch TV, nor
 was Sara.  Roice and Paul left.

 Sara came in to the office and I talked to her about emotional intelligence
 vs IQ.  She told me to not read so much and to `just follow my instincts.'
 I made it clear to her that she would not like it if I followed my
 instincts or did as I was taught as a youth.  Then I read to her D&C
 93:36-50, the key repeated concept being `your family must needs repent
 and forsake some things, and give more earnest heed unto your sayings, or
 be removed out of their place.'  It was an emotional exchange and she
 responded by going in and doing the dishes and cleaning out the kitchen.

 What does all this have to do with Reggie?  Not much, except he's black,
 he's a friend and a good guy, and he happened to visit Saturday morning
 after graduation and before Roice's response to my teachings on the
 importance of keeping the Sabbath.  I can't say all of this bottled
 up hurt to you, except in e-mail, and even then it just causes more hurt.
 You say I don't need to remain a failure.  I do not see any way out of
 the hole I find myself in.  I know I am right, but I recognize I am
 wrong in my methods of implementation.  I need you to help me.  Please 
 note this is one of 453 reasons written out so far as these lovelets
 attempting to explain why I need you and why I love you."

#454, 26May96, Enjoy Your Kids.
"I love you because you make life sound so easy as you say things
 like `You have good kids.  Relax.  Enjoy your kids.'  Thanks, I
 need you to say these kids of things to me often.  I do love you."

#455, 27May96, IHOP Breakfast.
"I love you because you arranged for all of us that are here to go
 to IHOP for a family breakfast.  Wish Paul and Ben were also here.
 But thanks for setting this up.  (Written before we went.)

 I don't understand at all what happened.  It is easy for me to point
 a finger and say that it is just like attempts I have made to have a
 Family Home Evening, make a family movie, etc.  But there is a lot
 more to it than that.  There are at least three fingers pointing
 back at me when I point the finger.  The issue is I don't even know
 what it is all about.  I don't have a clue.  Was it not hearing you
 ask if they served breakfast and not listening to your answer to me
 and asking the lady at McDonalds an irrelevant question?  Was it
 Sara's fault, any more than Rob was responsible for Sara's `mood'?
 Was it somebody making you feel guilty because you were efficient
 and went to the store since none of them were up?  Was it because 
 you could read my body language and knew I had just spilled my guts
 in a lovelet earlier this morning?  Was it Melanie's reaction when
 you responded to her question `What's wrong'?  Is it all of these?
 Is it none of these?  Could we diagnose it together and see if we can
 figure out what happened?  Needless to say, this morning was not what
 either of us wanted or envisioned!

 There is nothing I want to do more than see our family work.  I
 absolutely don't know what to do.  However, I do know I love you."

#456, 28May96, Full Disclosure.
"I love you because you made what I believe is a full disclosure.
 
  It is sad it has taken most of two decades to reach Monday night.  
  It is sad that I have misread what was going on for so long. 
  It is sad environments collided to so you felt it necessary to
     keep a secret like this. 
  It is particularly sad the impact our mutual overreactions and
     lack of knowledge about what is really going on in our
     relationship have had on our children. 
  It is sad Satan has been able to use this secret so effectively
     to divide and conquer.
  It is sad I am seen as being so unapproachable and so judgmental.
  It is sad there has been so much time lost in our relationship.
 
 I hope you will never feel it necessary to keep another secret.  
 I am disappointed in the mechanism of disclosure and ashamed that
 I once again violated your defined privacy boundary.  I am very
 glad that it is out in the open.  I hope what has happened since
 Monday night and what happens from here on out in our marriage
 shows how much I love you."
 
#457, 29May96, Secret's Impact.
"I love you because you recognize choices that have impacted our
 marriage and your testimony.  I really appreciate your talking
 to me last night and tonight.  I appreciate more than I know
 how to express your statement `You haven't acted at all like I
 thought you would.'  I wish I could say with certainty I would
 have reacted the same way 14 years ago.  We will never know. 
 I am relieved to finally understand the sneaking and general
 atmosphere that I recognized but misjudged and mislabeled and
 have overreacted against for years, largely out of my own
 insecurities.  It would be nice for you to play an alternative
 scenario, imagining a marriage without the secret and the 
  associated sneaking.  In other words, what came first, my
 reactions and behavior, or the secret's impact or some possibly
 related basis for reaction. 

 But if you do play this mind game do not share the results with
 me because even suggesting there could have been an alternative
 scenario can be misconstrued as blaming and shaming, which I
 freely admit I do and am guilty of and am trying not to do.  It
 is not my intent to blame or to shame in suggesting thinking
 through an alternative scenario!  Rather, I am attempting to
 build testimony and a stronger marriage and to say how much
 I love you." 
 
#458, 30May96, Interrogate.
"I love you because you have put up with me coming in each 
 evening this week to interrogate you.  It is a tremendous relief
 to finally have everything out in the open.  I am sorry that it
 has been hard for me to accept everything is out in the open,
 but I am coming to believe there are no more secrets.  I have
 known for years there was a deep dark secret, and I am sorry that
 I have extrapolated beyond the mark.  I do feel so relieved.
 Disappointed, but relieved.  I love you." 
 
#459, 31May96, Dragonheart.
"I love you because you went to Dragonheart with me, went out to
 dinner at Landry's, and went to the Holiday Inn hotel for a night
 neither of us will forget.  It was a lovely time.  Breakfast was
 great, and I really didn't mind working out that much.  I'm not 
 much for using those kind of machines.  I would much rather walk,
 run, ride a bike, or even swim.  However, it was fun to be with
 you and to work out with you.  I love you." 
 
#460, 01June96, Memorial City Mall.
"I love you because you wanted me to go to the movie with you.  I
 realize you could not have known the content of the movie.  I am
 sorry I was so upset.  I hope you understand why I walked out, 
 and why I needed the time alone to work through my feelings and
 anger.  I would never strand you and I'm glad you found me so I
 could tell you I wanted to walk home.  I realize it is hard for 
 you to accept me walking home from Memorial City Mall.  I appreciate
 you coming back along the frontage road to find me and to ask me
 to please get in the car and come home with you.  I'm sorry you 
 were so upset.  It was not my intention to upset you.  Thank you for
 giving me the space to work through my anger, disappointment, and
 hurt, a little bit.  I needed it, like I sometimes need to take a
 walk in the mountains.  I love you." 
 
#461, 02June96, Sick.
"I love you because you stood up for yourself when I pointed to all
 of your CD's and said `that is sick.'  I agree we have a lot of books.
 Maybe even too many.  I agree I have done little more than glance 
 through the white science books.  I do plan on and hope to read every
 one of them as well as all of the other science, history, and
 religious books I am responsible for us having.  Part of this plan is
 classifying the books for my on-line library system (the numbers on
 the books in the office). I intend to do the same kind of
 classification of all of my books in the bedroom as they are put in 
 boxes before the carpet is laid.  As far as where they are placed after
 that it doesn't matter.  I wouldn't mind sending a bunch of them out
 to Utah with Paul for the library I intend to build with all of the
 books in Mom's basement.  The master plan that is building in my head
 is that I will dedicate about half time of my 50's and 60's to
 reading, analyzing, and developing a detailed philosophy based on that
 reading and analysis.  It is one of the reasons I want to work towards
 moving to Utah.  We think on different time scales.  There is nothing
 wrong with living in the moment, if we don't break the commandments in
 our enthusiasm for living.  There is nothing wrong with living over the
 next 20 or 40 years, if we can relate to those around us and be
 there for them when they need us.  I believe there is room for 
 improvement for both of us, especially for me relative to the above
 statements.  Hopefully we will make it, if only because I love you." 
 
#462, 03June96, Such a Guy.
"I love you because you responded to my apology for waking you up
 early with `You're such a guy.'  Thanks for understanding.  I often
 need you and need you to understand.  Thanks.  I love you." 
 
#463, 04June96, Paul's Probable Probation.
"I love you because you are so concerned about Paul's probable
 probation.  I wish you would not give up when you see a barrier
 beyond any of our control.  I sense it is very easy to retreat
 into yourself, and in fact has become a habitual response, 
 when facing these kind of circumstances.  I am so sorry I have
 not been there for you in the past, and have in fact have been 
 responsible your feeling boxed in.  It is not as bad as it
 looked and sounded last night.  We will know more on Friday.

 Paul does not need to go to a major university for his first 
 semester or two.  He can go to Houston Community College, or
 he can get into SUU in Cedar or there are thousands of other
 options that fit within the Trust framework.  Sure they may not
 be optimal, but they will work.  Sure if we had not been so busy
 and focused on our own needs we could have prepared him better. 
 The world is not black and white.  Because there is an unexpected
 problem, it does not mean that the rest of his life is doomed.

 We were very tired last night.  I'm sure my getting up at 4:00
 and waking you up has added to your stress.  Plus getting Sara
 to the orthodontist, my reaction to Paul and Rob Monday night,
 Paul's comments Tuesday morning, me insisting on going to Paul's 
 court hearing, and everything that has happened in the last 7
 days conspire to accumulate excessive stress.  But we are where
 we are and we need to pick up the handcart and continue on our
 journey.  If we lay down in the snow we might not be able to get
 up.  It is too easy to turn inward in times like these. 

 I need you to be there on the family forest fire fire-line
 helping me keep from burning that which is most important to us
 with ill conceived backfires.  I know you will do this, if only
 for our kids.  This is one more reason why I love you." 
 
#464, 05June96, Tunnels.
"I love you because you continue to be concerned about Paul this
 morning.  I sense that your reactions to me this morning was more
 than that, and as I listened to my daily dose of `The Engines of
 our Ingenuity' I found renewed reasons for hope.  It was an old program,
 #855, about tunnels.  What do you think of when you think of the
 word tunnels?  Going to the WWW and URL gopher://Gopher.UH.EDU:70/00/
 campus-info/KUHF%20Radio/The%20Engines%20of%20our%20Ingenuity/801-900/855
 I found Dr. John Lienhard's words very comforting:

      `    I've been asking friends what they hear when I say the  word 
      tunnel.  None have given me the common Freudian stuff and only  a 
      few mentioned claustrophobia.  A different theme entirely emerged 
      -- far stronger and far more positive.  
        
           One said, "Tunnels are connections." One recalled that Greek 
      Oracles  always  spoke from within caves.  One  way  or  another, 
      tunnels remind us of the subtle ways we get to the other side  of 
      trouble.  For some, going through a tunnel is death and  rebirth.  
             
           When  I put the question to a theoretical chemist she  hesi-
      tated  --  then said, "Oh, you mean  underground  tunnels!"   Her 
      first thoughts had not been of subways and caves, but of  quantum 
      physics. But even there the word is a metaphor for breaking free.  

      . . . 

           Scientists  who  traffic  in those mysteries  call  such  an 
      escape,  "tunneling."  The electrons seem to tunnel  through  the 
      energy barrier and escape their inescapable prison just as surely 
      as  occasional  captives tunnel their way to freedom.  Jean  Paul 
      Sartre described what that electron does.  He said, 
        
               Let us not look for the door, and the way out,  
               anywhere but in the wall against which we are living.  
        
           That image of escape where we thought escape was  impossible 
      recurs.   Remember  the story about the house cat who  went  from 
      door  to door, on a cold winter's day, looking for the  one  door 
      that led into summer.  Well, the metaphor of the tunnel -- and of 
      the  quantum  mechanical tunnel -- reminds us that  we  can  pass 
      through  the wall.  We can find the door into summer.  There  are 
      ways to tunnel through our impossible troubles -- after all.    '

 We can find the door into summer.  There are ways to tunnel through our
 impossible troubles.  God does hear and answer our prayers, although
 usually not until after we say them.  When you feel like turning inward
 please remember how much Jesus loves you and how much I love you." 
 
#465, 06June96, Corpses.
"I love you because you responded to my question about your reading
 by saying you do not consider me to be one of the corpses you like
 to read about in your murder mystery books.  I do not understand
 why these books are such an attraction to you.  I am very glad you
 so spontaneously responded that you are not reading about me.  Guess
 my ego is out of line again thinking everything revolves around me,
 or maybe it is my insecurity at coming to realize I do not satisfy
 you, nor do I meet your needs.  But whatever the case I fall back on
 four simple facts: you do not seem to love yourself, we all want to
 be loved, someday you will be able love yourself and hopefully me too,
 and, in the meantime, I love you." 
 
#466, 07June96, Every Week?
"I love you because you looked so cute as you looked at me and
 said, `Do we need to do something every week?'  One of the problems
 with working with machines as much as I do, is the tendency to treat
 people and circumstances like a machine.  I.E.  When something seems
 to work keep doing it!  Or, follow the advice of your priesthood
 leaders to the letter: Have a weekly date with your wife!  Or, Marti
 seems to be so much better with me when we are away from the house,
 what can we do to get out of the house together this week!  Whichever
 it is in a particular circumstance, be aware my response and my desires
 are based on the simple fact I love you." 
 
#467, 08June96, Phantom.
"I love you because you enjoy going to movies with me, even if it
 `was not a very good movie.'  It was nice to have Robert go out to
 dinner with us.  It was fun to embarrass you by making a comment 
 about how nice you look in black.  I enjoyed the Phantom, like 
 reading a comic book or reading the comics.  It wasn't real, it
 was fantasy, it was cute, and the vintage autos and airplanes were
 real neat.  Mostly I enjoyed being with you because I love you." 
 
#468, 09June96, Lorna Miller.
"I love you because you brought the kids (except Robert, who uses
 his pants as an excuse to get attention) to stake conference.  I
 enjoy singing in a choir, but the choir director certainly isn't 
 a Marti Nelson, an Andrea Slack, or even a Corwin Slack.  Thanks
 for being there, even though I know you didn't really want to be
 there.  One of the kids said that there was something said to
 Phillip Miller, and when you said Lorna Miller brought over the
 ice cream because you are `obviously unhappy,' I related the two.
 I don't know if they are or not.  I know that Paul's criminal
 charges have you very upset, and postponing his ordination to the
 Melchezedic Priesthood was possibly one more issue.  This stuff
 with Fort Bend County will pass and Paul will be better for having
 gone through it.  Please don't take your being upset about the
 charges out on `the church.'  Be patient and please remember how
 much I love you." 
 
#469, 10June96, Landry's Birthday Dinner.
"I love you because we went to Landry's together for your birthday
 dinner.  It was wonderful to talk.  Interesting where the conversation
 eddies were.  It was fun to share a Blackened Red Snapper and chocolate
 cake.  I especially enjoyed the conversation.  We do have our own
 restaurant, our own meal, and I do love you." 
 
#470, 11June96, Landmark at the VETL.
"I love you because you asked me how the evening went when I got
 home, despite my reaction to Rob, the garage door being open, and 
 kids in general.  Then you came in this morning and asked how it
 went.  As I told you it was a lot of fun to host Landmark at the
 VETL.  In some ways it was a real ego trip to have 18 of the most
 senior executives, 12 of whom I had never met, visit the lab because
 if `Roice was involved with it it must be good.'   It was nice to
 hear Bob Peebler say, `I've learned to figure out what Roice is
 thinking about and then about 8 years later package it to sell,' or
 for him to say how he always new I would find a sandbox that was
 fun to play in and that this is the ideal sandbox for me.  It was
 a very good evening.  Sam LeRoy and Terry Smith were there and
 they provided great support.  They are very excited about the
 Virtual Seminars concept and we are starting to make real business
 plans.  Thanks for putting up with me being so busy getting ready
 and then being gone on the evening of your birthday.  I hope that
 the security that should come from this meeting will be the best
 birthday present I can provide.  Why?  Because I love you." 
 
#471, 12June96, Heavy.
"I love you because you have always been so kind in the way you
 tell me I am heavy.  Thanks for coming in and asking how it went
 last night.  Thanks for spending time with me.  Thanks for being
 my wife as well as being my best friend.   As you know, I need
 you.  Also, I hope you come to recognize and believe, I love you." 
 
#472, 13June96, Scanning You.
"I love scanning you.  You looked absolutely wonderful to me in
 your new blue outfit that brings out the color in your eyes so
 nicely.  It is a lot of fun to watch your reaction as I scan you
 from head to toe, and maybe the sixth or seventh time it was for
 reaction.  But the bottom line is I love you." 
 
#473, 14June96, Roice's E-Mail.
"I love you because you have kept hope in Roice alive.  He has sent 
 me two really nice e-mails recently.  I hope my responses have been
 acceptable.  The first one was harder than the second, largely in
 reaction to things he said.  Roice's E-Mail, along with the recent
 revelations, give me tremendous hope for the future of our family.
 I hope that hope is contagious and that you also get excited about
 making our family eternal.  I'm looking forward to what comes from
 you, Roice, and Ben spending time together talking about what is
 really important to each of you.  Is it a motorcycle?  Is it a book?
 Is it an eternal family?  We can do it together.  We will do it.
 Why?  Because I love you." 
 
#474, 15June96, Falling Branches.
"I love you because you have been with me longer than anyone but myself,
 both for good times and bad.  This week at scout camp was a real eye
 opener about how fragile life is. 

 Saturday afternoon we went on a brief tour of Camp Strake.  As we headed
 over to the camp they used two years ago, through the woods, there was
 a snapping sound and then there were three kids on the ground.  Four
 kids were walking next to each other, shoulder-to-shoulder, talking
 and joking: Seth Jones, Adam Salt, Jonathan Hastings, and David Pickerd. 
 Marion Jenkins and Doug Hastings were about 50 feet in front of them. 
 Tom McMurtrey and I were about 10 feet in front of the kids.  Gary Jones
 and Brent Peterson were about 20 feet behind them.  The branch was about
 16 feet long, 18 inches in diameter near the trunk, weighed about a
 hundred pounds, and was somewhat rotted and ant eaten.  It fell from
 about 35 feet up the tree.  It missed Seth.  It scrapped Adam's forehead,
 knocked a water bottle he was holding out of his hand, hitting and putting
 a deep cut in his thumb, knocking him back so he landed on his other hand
 and got a bubble fracture above the wrist, and landing in full force on his
 left knee creating a big abrasion and welt the size of a fist.  Because
 this was the heavy solid part of the log, it was three to four inches from
 a funeral.  It hit Jonathan on the back of the head in two places and
 broke in two.  He had two big welts, which if it hadn't glanced off at an
 angle would certainly have bled inside the skull.  This was the weakest
 part of the big branch, and this weakness was the basis of the break. 
 Had the same force hit a foot up the branch closer to where the trunk was,
 or had it rotated 30 degree pointing a three-inch diameter and eight-inch
 protruding branching stub that was sticking out, it probably would have
 been fatal.  The smaller portion of the branch hit David Pickerd on the
 back and gave him a small bruise and an abrasion. 

 I was passed where it landed five steps before these boys were hit.  We
 told the kids it was a once in a life-time experience, including 7 hours
 in the emergency room.  However, on Friday I was playing the guitar and
 heard a snap, Jonathan Hastings ran for cover, and Adam Salt was
 another of about five scouts and three leaders sitting at the tables
 under the wooden rain cover.  This branch was only about 10 feet long,
 and only was about 6 inches in diameter.  It fell within three feet of
 the covered table.  The falling branches brought back floods of memories
 of rolling the car with Charlie Garfield and friends, almost being hit by
 the truck in Grandma's new car in the Beaver mountain blizzard with Ray,
 falling head first off of horses (including the time I was knocked out in
 Enterprise and woke up in the Cedar City Hospital), having my appendix
 burst on the operating table, having the wind knocked out of me when
 riding inner tubes in the snow at the College Cabin, getting a six inch
 gash to the bone on my lower leg swimming in the cement ditch, etc.
 I don't think I am afraid of those experiences, but I know I am thankful
 for being alive.  Reminds me of John Taylor's watch, which stopped the
 bullet headed for his heart in Carthage jail.  Even though we had two
 falling branches, the probability of all of these accidents just happening
 and not being fatal is much more than just circumstance.  They leave me
 with tremendous feelings of responsibility.  And, for what it is worth,
 the key responsibility I feel these days, as poorly as I actually play
 the role, is to help you know you are lovable, and that, in actual fact,
 I do love you." 
 
#475, 16June96, Father's Day.
"I love you because you were so cute when I looked at the Father's Day
 card Sara and Melanie gave me.  You were pleased with your girls.
 The card was cute.  It was nice to spend a Father's Day with Rob.
 There is a real special spirit at camp Sacrament Meetings.  Rob
 enjoyed playing the guitar with me, and it was a good day.  Even
 though I wasn't with you, I remembered you are the one that made
 it possible for me to experience Father's Day.  Thanks!  I love you." 
 
#476, 17June96, Lingerie.
"I love you because you were so repentant after the lingerie experience.
 It was nice to hear the words `I have a real problem.'  I'm not sure
 I understand what that problem is, but I do know that now that you
 recognize `it' you will find a way to work `it' out.  It seems to me
 that recognition includes sharing with someone else what is going on.
 I'm wish the sharing was more voluntary, but I am still optimistic
 that that time will come.  I hope you are too.  I love you." 
 
#477, 18June96, Good Guy.
"I love you because you and Karen were so funny when I got home from
 the meetings downtown.  I appreciated you telling Karen that I
 am a good guy.  It was nice to hear her tell you how much she 
 wished she got a pat on the butt, and to here her funnies about
 how quick I am to get my shirt off (because she walked in as I
 was changing).  I thought it was a nice conversation, and I hope
 it balanced my overreactions of earlier in the day.  Why do I
 have this hope?  Because I love you." 
 
#478, 19June96, If Rob Has a Good Time.
"I love you because you spontaneously said, `If Rob has a good time
 at camp I will love you.'  It was wonderful music to my ears.  The
 other side of the coin was that because there were problems with
 Micah on the way home I was sure you wouldn't love me, and I'm sure
 part of my reaction to Rob was out of that fear.  But I love you." 
 
#479, 20June96, Kayaking.
"I love you because you were with me in my mind as I went kayaking with
 Rob in Grand Lake at Camp Strake.  We had a lot of fun.  He kept
 tipping over in his kayak.  He and Adam Deford would sneak up on me
 from the back and splash me.  I was a better splasher than they were
 though and they ended up very wet.  It was fun.  Thanks for providing
 me the motivation to show you I love you." 
 
#480, 21June96, Orienteering.
"I love you because you were on my mind as we went orienteering in the
 dark.  Rob was off on a Camping merit badge overnight campout.  I
 was a chaperone with Marion Jenkins and Gary Jones to the team that
 came in second in orienteering in the dark.  It was fun to figure
 out where the various markers should be and then to try to find them 
 in the dark.  The kids did real good.  I wish we had a set of similar
 common orienteering rules to find our way through our interactions and
 relationship.  I know shame and blame throw off our compass and I am
 attempting not to use those family-of-origin derived tools.  Hopefully
 these lovelets can be a helpful tool until we learn how to increase
 our emotional intelligence.  Along with the fact I love you." 
 
#481, 22June96, Micah Songster.
"I love you because you are so concerned about Rob.  I am also, and I
 don't know how to help him.  Micah Songster didn't share a soda 
 and some caramel popcorn with Rob and so Rob said he hated Micah.
 Rob said other things to Micah and he hit Rob in the face.  Then
 when it was time to come home Rob refused to let Micah Songster
 ride home with us, even though he rode up with us.  He was saying
 things in front of Micah like `Adam hates you too.'  And `Joel hates
 you.'  When I said Micah could ride with us, Rob refused to get in
 the car and got in another car.  I pulled in back of the McMurtery's
 van and made him get in our car because it was so wrong how he was
 treating Micah and I felt he must face the issues.  He finally got
 in the car, we talked some and he calmed down some.  I got both
 Adam and Joel to tell Micah they do not hate him.  Micah is as
 sensitive and as insecure as Rob, and I see the common thread as
 `the emotional intelligence' of their fathers.  We were playing the
 alphabet game before too long and had a reasonable ride home.  Rob
 even shared the caramel popcorn we had bought before camp to eat on
 the way home with the back seat, though he obviously did not want
 Micah to eat any of it.  All of the time all I could think about
 was `I've blown it, and I don't even know how.'  You see, you said
 to me `I will love you if Rob has a good time at camp,' and this
 closing experience was not a good time for either of us.  The obvious
 corollary is `I will not love you if Rob has problems.'  I'm so sorry. 
 I am trying so hard, and I continually fail so miserably.  Please
 know I am trying and that I love you." 
 
#482, 23June96, Paul's Ordination.
"I love you because you came back to the church to Paul's ordination. 
 I believe I understand why you treated the Bishop like you did, but
 I don't believe you have any understanding of why it is so offensive
 to me to see my wife treat a priesthood leader like this.  I didn't
 know what happened before the ordination until I got home, but I
 could sense there was a problem.  The Bishop's countenance.  Your
 gait and expression.  And I was called on to listen to the spirit
 and give Paul a blessing following the ordination.  Then all I could
 think about was my emotional backlash when Paul confessed to us a
 couple of years ago.  I want so much for our kids to have happy and
 successful lives.  It hurts so much to see them sneak, and lie, and
 make mistakes that I fear will haunt them and their children for
 generations.  It was hard to find the words, through the emotional
 turmoil I was feeling, to bless Paul.  However I felt good about
 the blessing and hope you did also.

#483, 24June96, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
"I love you because you wanted me to go to The Hunchback of Notre Dame
 with you.  You were so cute when you said, `After all, it is a
 Disney movie, and we must go see all of them.'  It was wonderful.
 I also cried.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because you were so touched.
 Maybe because the gypsy reminded me of you twirling and dancing at
 the Ft. Collins Institute dance before we got engaged.  Maybe 
 because there is always hope that the gypsy will come back to life,
 and that even though I am disfigured by acne scars and fat that
 someday I can be loved.  Thanks for laying on my shoulder at the
 movie.  Thanks for letting me hold your hand.  Thanks for letting 
 me feel like just possibly I can be loved.  I love you." 
 
#484, 25June96, Did You Get Paid?
"I love you because you know how to get right to the crux of an issue.
 I was very excited about my Virtual Seminar on VR in Geosciences 
 that I gave in Norway.  Fifty-five people, all of the key science
 and national and local media representatives, getting an e-mail
 that said: `I'm just mailing you to thank you for all the time and
 effort that you put to your virtual seminar.  Everything appeared 
 extremely slick from our end, and the whole presentation helped to 
 give the conference that little extra excitement. Thanks!'  Then
 your first and really only comment was `Did you get paid?'

 I realize how uncertain the last few years have been for you, and
 that an important factor has been financial security.  Please remember
 that I have always provided sufficient for our family.  I don't 
 know the future, and there are certainly scenarios where I might
 become disabled, not have sufficient insurance, and could create
 a real burden for our family.  I am working hard to minimize the
 impact this kind of trial would bring.  I believe that we have
 laid sufficient groundwork, and am going to spend the month you 
 are away focused on closing contracts and providing you the
 illusion of security that you so desperately need.  I say illusion,
 because last night I fed Edy Smith at the hospital, and it came
 home again, with such strong force, how vulnerable we all are and
 how our lives are so totally and literally in God's hands. 

 Thanks for helping me keep focused.  I love you." 
 
#485, 26June96, Girls Camp.
"I love you because you made the effort to get ready for your trip early
 enough to go to Girl's Camp with me.  I knew you could and would do
 a better job at playing the guitar for the girls than I could or
 would have.  It was really fun to sing `Froggie Learns the Gospel'
 three times with you.  I am sorry I forgot it and messed up.  I was
 intimidated about being asked to represent the Savior in the other
 presentation, but did it because it was one of the first things
 Melanie has ever asked me to do.  

 As the Texas Pioneers, as Bishop Snyder in Dallas referred to us, 
 Camp Liahona has had a big impact in our family, and we have given
 some back.  Besides the Father's and Son's campouts, the scout campouts,
 and the Girl's camps, you rewrote the Liahona night, Melanie had a key
 part in the first program, Ben did his Eagle Project there, and now I
 had the opportunity to represent our Savior in the first of what will
 surely be an annual play about the plan of salvation.  It really was
 fun to sing to Melanie and her friends with you.  Thanks for singing
 my `boring songs' with me.  They may be boring, but they have deep
 meaning for me.  Thanks for going so far out of your way to drive to
 Huntsville so we could get Paul registered for orientation at Sam
 Houston State University. 

 I thought the day was just about as perfect as they get.  Had good
 meetings with Chevron in the morning (no I wasn't paid, but expect to
 get a contract out of it), worked with students and staff at the VETL,
 took care of a variety of e-mail, bought some music that I will enjoy
 using at H&H (if there is ever time), drove to Cleveland, ate together
 at McDonalds joking about the old farmer and his wife, watched you
 take off in the wrong direction and got you back on track with all the
 associated teasing, the camp activities, and then Room 253 in the
 Huntsville Motel Six.  Thanks again.  I love you." 
 
#486, 27June96, Ten.
"I love you because you gave me a 10 kiss, as we left each other in the
 faculty parking lot of Sam Houston State University.  It was so
 nice for you to catch the same vision I had as we walked back from
 getting Paul signed up for orientation and I described an old man,
 sitting on a bed, closing the book and telling his Grandson that
 the Grandson wouldn't want him to read that part, then after the 
 Grandson insisted reading about `the kiss that exceeded any kiss that
 had ever happened before.' 

 I'm sorry I didn't respond to your kiss the way you wanted me to. It
 was really neat to hear you say that you put everything you possibly
 could into it.  And yes on a scale of 1 to 10 it was a 10.  Could it
 have been improved.  Absolutely.  You see the scale is not integer,
 and it is not possible to have two digits in the score except due to
 round off.  So, did you give a 9.6 or a 9.7 kiss.  It was a 10, but
 it can be improved.  There is a 9.8, or a 9.9963 out there in my future. 
 Sort of like records at the Olympics.  There will always be another
 better kiss than any that have happened to date.  This is part of the
 excitement and anticipation that keeps me in love with you." 
 
#487, 28June96, Dr. Aronson.
"I love you because you have never discouraged me or said anything
 disparaging about my 33 visits with Dr. Aronson.  I don't know
 what difference those visits have made.  I recognize the importance
 of planning things out, practicing how to do things, and guess that
 this is the specific thing that has happened.  It has been nice to
 have someone to talk to about personal things, although I fully expect
 to see everything I've said to him published on the web someday.
 Guess it doesn't matter.  Don't understand why I can't just have a
 friend that performs the role Dr. Aronson has.  Is it my pride, the
 pride of those we associate with, or a misallocation of time.  You
 say you see a difference, and you have started following the same
 example because you have seen some positive results from my efforts. 
 That's all that matters.  On Friday's visit I took in the e-mails
 from Roice and from me and had Dr. Aronson read them and comment about
 them to me.  His insights are outside of my box, and are useful.  I
 hope these insights can become part of the way I communicate my love
 to my children.  I know I don't do it right, but I really don't
 understand what I do wrong.  I continue to try to improve because I do
 love them and I do love you." 
 
#488, 29June96, Work Too Hard.
"I love you because as you left you said `Don't work too hard.'  I do, 
 and I will.  Lot's to do.  Worked until 1:00 AM last night, and was
 up getting Paul up at 5:45 AM this morning.  Went for a run, made the
 bed, read the paper, made Rob and Zac walk to get donuts instead of
 driving them, caught these lovelets up, etc.  There is so much I want
 to do, and since the only thing I would rather do is spend time with
 you, there will be a lot accomplished this next six weeks.
 
 However, I did take time to watch `The American President' with Rob
 and Zac last night.  It is a cute movie, even if it has the `f' word
 twice.  I do strongly resent the way Hollywood attempts to politically
 manipulate the masses with a movie like this.  The child is obviously
 Chelsea.  The pictures made walking around the White House stress
 John Kennedy and the other liberal presidents.  The message is that
 character is not a political factor, i.e. so what if Bill Clinton is
 accused of this or that or has done that or this.  It is very hard
 for me to relax, when by relaxing I am faced with stuff that highlights
 the moral decay of our society.  

 As it says in `Our Turn on Earth,' `when you choose the first step on
 on the road, you also choose the last.'  It is so easy for me to only
 see the impact on our children, our grandchildren, their friends, the
 church, society, and the entire planet, and to not be able to enjoy the
 movie.  In fact, it makes me angry and I want to lash out and do
 something about it.  I do not want you or I to face the pain that comes
 with the kind of activity that this movie, and most movies today, make
 fashionable and acceptable.  I see them as inspired by Satan, who is
 striving to lead as many of us as possible as carefully and unsuspecting
 as possible down the garden path to captivity and pain. 

 I realize that it is sort of like wanting to do something about the
 second law of thermodynamics causing the moon's gravitational orbit to
 decay, but I am concerned.  Not for me, but for those I love.  Please
 understand me and my eternal time perspective when I say and attempt
 to show you how much I love you." 
 
#489, 30June96, Jealous.
"I love you because as you put up with me being so jealous of shadows.
 I find it interesting how many sisters in the ward are jealous of
 what you are doing for the summer.  There is such power in the
 simple commandments of God, like: `Thou shalt not envy.'  I'm sorry
 for those times when my natural tendency for jealously has caused
 me to exercise unrighteous dominion.  I am trying to let go, and
 to trust you.  Why?  Because I love you." 
 
#490, 01July96, Until Seven Times Seventy.
"I love you because you have been the primary motivation for me putting
 together these lovelets.  Another strong motivation has been our
 Savior's words in response to Peter's questions `Lord, how oft shall
 my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Til seven times?' And
 our Savior's response: `I say not unto thee, until seven times: but,
 until seventy times seven.'  I've needed a goal to shoot for.

 I am going to package the first 7*70 lovelets as a book this morning and
 send them to you in New Hampshire as a fourth of July present.  This is
 the first volume of seven, the seventh of which, according to my back of
 the envelope calculations, will be given to you on July 18th, 2004. 
 Maybe by then you will be able to forgive me and possibly even love me
 again.  In the meantime maybe you can find a real use for them, like
 taking selected lovelets and using them as the basis of a short story.

 If not I will repeat the process again, and again, until one of us pass
 to the other side of the vail.  Why?  Simply because I do love you." 
 
#491, 02July96, Stay Home.
"I love you because you were so cute on the phone as you explained your
 first week away from home and not talking to me once with `well if
 you would ever stay home in the evening.'  Just to give you a feel
 for my week, I am going to include a quote from an e-mail to Roice:

 `I was going to respond right away, but your mail was sent Tuesday 
  morning at 13:53:24 and when I read it at about 7:00 I still had 
  some preparation for a Virtual Seminar I gave to 55 folks in Norway 
  from 8:00 until 10:30 AM, then at 12:30 I met with four VP's and 
  the Chief Geophysicist of Enron, then I worked at the VETL (Virtual 
  Environment Technology Laboratory) until 6:00, came home and 
  collapsed, Wednesday I met with Chevron executives at the VETL at 
  9:00, which required leaving the house at 6:30 to beat traffic, 
  came home and followed Mom to Cleveland and Camp Liahona to sing at 
  Girls Camp and participate in a program Melanie asked me to, then 
  drove to Huntsville and spent the night in a cheap motel (Motel 6) 
  with your Mom and my eternal companion, then Thursday morning at 
  8:00 we went to SHSU to get Paul registered for orientation, said 
  good-bye to your Mom who left for New Hampshire, drove back to 
  Houston in time for a lunch, went back to the house and tried to 
  catch up on some e-mail and mail, then left at 3:30 for a meeting 
  at my new westside office at 2525 Wilcrest at Westheimer with 
  David Kessler, which we finished at 6:30, when I started a meeting 
  with Sam LeRoy and Terry Smith about Virtual Seminars Corporation, 
  which lasted until 9:00, following which I came home and worked 
  until midnight, fell asleep, woke up Friday morning and worked 
  until 10:30, mostly writing out in red ink on a printout of your
  e-mail a draft response, then went to my 32nd meeting with the 
  psychologist, Dr. Aronson, during which I laid out our e-mail and 
  asked for advice, following which I went to a meeting with Bill 
  Bavinger, Merril Littlewood, and Evan Pappas at Bill's which 
  lasted until 5:30, after which I went to the hospital and fed
  Edy Smith, who is the wife of Mike Smith the new convert that you 
  met and who had an aneurysm (blood vessel burst in the brain) 
  which when they operated on it they discovered she has a large 
  malignant tumor which they can't remove and which means she has 
  between 2 and 9 months to live, following which I came home and 
  watched `The American President' with Rob and his friend Zac,
  after which I worked until 1:00 and then fell asleep in the chair, 
  waking up in bed at 6:30, going for a 4 mile run, then trying to 
  catch up your Mom's Lovelets so I can mail #1-#490 of them to her 
  (see Matthew 18:21-22), but I had to run some errands just as the 
  girls came home from Girl's Camp, and shortly after getting back 
  needing to take Melanie to get a physical for Cheerleading Camp, 
  after which I took Melanie, Sara, and Rob to dinner at Happy Town 
  and to see `The Hunchback of Notre Dame,' dropped Sara off so she
  could go to a friend's baptism in the Baptist church on Sunday 
  morning, and then finishing up `Lovelets for Marti,' taking 
  Melanie to Marie's, going to Kinko's, printing and binding the 
  161 page book for your Mom, going to the grocery store, buying 
  $216 worth of groceries and getting $20 cash, getting home and 
  putting all of the groceries up by 2:00 AM, falling asleep, 
  getting up at 7:00 and going back to bed until 7:30, going to 
  Missionary Correlation meeting at 8:15, coming home and getting 
  Rob and Paul up, reading the paper and falling asleep, going to 
  church where Bishop Pickerd was called as a councilor in the 
  Stake Presidency and we were told the new Bishop will be 
  announced on the 4th of August (I won't be considered and even 
  if I was couldn't accept for the first time in my life because 
  I recognize I `have not set in order my own house' [see D&C 
  93:40-50]), then I came home and fixed lunch, fell asleep, went
  Home Teaching to the Peterson's with Rob, took Melanie down to
  Herman Hospital to visit Edy Smith with me, came home, fixed
  dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and now I am sitting down to
  respond to your e-mail and it's 9:30 Sunday evening.  Sometimes
  I feel like my life is a run-on sentence.  I hope this is a
  sufficient excuse for not responding sooner.'

 To complete the week, it took me until 1:00 to finish Roice's email,
 got up at 6:00 and got ready, got the kids up at 7:30 and had a
 devotional and a fight with Sara, was really upset about it and
 I didn't go to work until after taking Rob to his lesson (Melanie
 said she would but she was late), went downtown and prepared data
 for the VETL, had a meeting with Conoco and a contractor there, went
 to the hospital about 6:00 and fed Edy Smith, then went and had a
 meeting with Bill Bavinger and got home at 10:00 (missing your call)
 (Melanie fixed spaghetti for dinner and I talked to the kids via
 phone a couple of times), then worked until midnight on the Landmark
 Virtual Seminar, slept until 6:30, woke the kids up for devotional
 (which went very good), took Sara to the Orthodontist at 8:30 and
 talked to Lori Jenkins who was there with two of her kids and asked
 how you are doing, had an 11:45 lunch meeting with a guy I was told
 might be interested in purchasing HyperMedia Corporation (he wasn't),
 came back and worked on the Virtual Seminar until 6:50, then went out
 with the missionaries (visited a really neat family and helped teach
 the fourth discussion to Alan Peterson's family as part of a
 missionary program we are doing in the ward), came home (finding out
 I missed your call a third time) and worked until 2:30 on the virtual
 seminar, got up at 7:00, had family devotional, finished the Virtual
 Seminar materials just in time for the 9:00 conference call, gave a
 presentation to folks at Landmark's offices in Denver, Houston, and
 Austin (sending them an invoice for $360, but revising it to $480 when
 they added the third office to the conference call), then started
 to work on cleaning up my mess in the office, until I couldn't stay
 awake and fell asleep just a little before you called, and then you
 know the rest of the story.

 It is really good for me to stay home (as much as I do) and to realize
 with my whole body all of the sacrifices you have made to make our
 family work over the years.  Thanks for staying home when our kids
 were young and it was critical to their development.  I am trying to
 stay home enough to help the kids and give them rides.  I am sorry I
 wasn't home at the time you called on the three nights you called. 
 Thanks for calling.  I love you." 
 
#492, 03July96, Care About You.
"I love you because you said in our long phone conversation: `I
 care about you.'  I guess I am learning what you tell me you
 felt for so many years of our marriage, namely how much you
 savored any compliment or any expression of love.  It is hard
 for me to describe how I melted as I heard the words, but it
 was really nice.  Thanks.  I care about you very much.  In fact,
 I love you." 
 
#493, 04July96, Andy Bowling's Wedding.
"I love you because you had me represent our family at Andy Bowling's
 wedding.  It was very nice.  Very hollow compared to making commitments
 for time and eternity, but a nice wedding.  There were several fun
 conversations, meeting of neighbors I should have known for years,
 and quite an enjoyable evening.  I am very impressed with Andy for
 choosing to do the right thing, and told Roice how impressed I am.

 Roice said this was the first wedding he had ever been to, and all of
 his friends were shocked because they have been to a lot of weddings.
 We talked briefly about the difference between a temple and a civil
 ceremony, and I felt good about the conversation.

 Dan came over to talk to me.  I said, `Why haven't I seen you around our
 house much lately?  Are you too good for Melanie?'  His response was a
 classic, especially considering the circumstances: `Well, she's too
 wild for me.  You know, we have different friends.'  Melanie wasn't
 too pleased with me telling her, although she even chuckled when I put
 it in context this morning.

 After the wedding Rob and Loren and I set of fireworks.  They had a lot
 of fun.  All in all it was a pretty good 4th of July, considering that
 I couldn't hover around you and tell you how much I love you." 
 
#494, 05July96, Run With Roice.
"I love you because you are concerned about my relationship with
 our children.  Roice and I went for a run this morning, at his 
 suggestion.  Needless to say, the 15 pounds I have put on since
 May 27th, and the fact I haven't been running caught up with me,
 and we walked after three miles.  It was fun to talk to him.  To
 hear him say, this seems a lot shorter than it used to.  He told
 me about a Far Side where the Father was saying `When I was a kid
 the snow came up to my chest, and the kid was struggling through
 snow up to his chest.'  It was fun and a good run.  I do not
 understand why he writes `If you knew me you wouldn't love me,'
 and why he refuses to talk to me about important stuff in person.
 But I absolutely believe it is something like the Memorial Day
 revelations, and that simple repentance and honest discussion will
 break down all barriers.  Patience, kindness, long-suffering . . .
 I'm sorry they are not my strong suite.  But I am trying as hard
 as I know how to, mostly because I love you." 
 
#495, 06July96, Youth Baptisms.
"I love you because you have helped me bring each of our children
 into the Kingdom of God through the waters of baptism.  I went to
 the ward youth baptisms on Saturday and watched Gary and Roetta's
 youngest, Keith Hunter's oldest, and, I believe, Mike and Susan's 
 Reed's youngest get baptized.  Gary invited me into the circle
 when he gave his daughter the gift of The Holy Ghost.  The
 simplicity and the significance of the moment reminded me of our
 family singing the Articles of Faith songs, and of the hope
 accompanying knowing I can be forgiven of my sins gives me.  It
 makes me want to do a better and more graceful job of forgiving
 those that might have trespassed against me.  It gives me hope
 that others will be able to forgive me of my mistakes.  It makes
 me want to hold you in my arms (along with the fact that I miss
 you a lot) and tell you how much I love you." 
 
#496, 07July96, Stop It.
"I love you because you kept telling me, when I would make a sarcastic
 comment about your meeting with a secret lover in Maine or New
 Hampshire, you wished I would stop it.  I do not understand
 jealousy.  I do recognize I have a very bad case.  I expect it is
 closely tied to insecurity, and not believing there is anyone that
 could really love or even like someone like me, if they really got
 to know me.  I enjoy my own company, except when some one pulls a
 trigger and I loose control with my well stocked wells of anger. 
 But, really, I don't count for much, and so what does it matter,
 if I like me?  I'm a nobody, that nobody could love or even like. 
 But even a nobody can like and love others.  The Hunchback of
 Nortre Dame, the Elephant Man, Roice Nelson, etc., etc.  It is a
 fact, I love you." 
 
#497, 08July96, Paul's Jobs.
"I love you because you have encouraged me with regards to not giving
 up on Paul.  Maybe, I give up on myself, in some ways, and repeat
 the process with the other's I love the most.  I got up early on
 Monday and made a spread-sheet of Paul's Job's.  There is a lot 
 involved in changing the carpet.  There are times, when he goes
 off to play with his friends, or when he can't work alone and
 has to have someone there to help him, when I want to shake him
 and say, just go do the work.  But the times pass, and he has
 really done a wonderful job this week.  He is particularly good
 at spending money.  I'm sure it will all work out in the end. 
 And who knows, maybe you will even like the things that we are
 trying to do to make our house seem like a new place, a starting
 over, a basis for not giving up, a reason to try and make our
 family work the way we both dreamed it would when we started out. 
 I hope you someday will realize how much I love you." 
 
#498, 09July96, HALUG.
"I love you because you have been with me to watch the growth of
 Landmark Graphics into something really worthwhile.  The 
 company is far from a perfect child (customer's hate the way
 they handle their customer support), but it was very exciting
 for me to attend the monthly HALUG meeting at BP on Tuesday.
 HALUG is an acronym for the Houston Area Landmark Users Group. 
 BP is an acronym British Petroleum.  The meeting was in the
 third floor conference facilities at BP.  There were about 60
 people in attendance.  The presentation was articulate and well
 delivered, giving a status on a new StratWorks product release
 (the geologic interpretation product).  There was an intensity
 and an industry need that is being met that was exciting.  In
 many ways I felt left behind.  In other ways I feel like I am
 still out front leading them.  Leaving home, with kids doing
 all kinds of preparation for the new carpet, and then going to
 the meeting reminded me of all of the times I left you alone to
 go set up Users Groups in Europe or the Far East, or to perform
 other professional responsibilities.  Thanks for never
 complaining.  I'm sorry I do not fulfill the role as well for
 you as you did for me.  It makes me realize again why I love you." 

#499, 10July96, New Carpets.
"I love you because you wanted to get new carpets and make our house
 a nicer place.  There is a lot involved in getting ready for this
 kind of change.  We sure have a lot of stuff.  And Wednesday was
 a very busy day to top off all of the necessary preparation.  I
 had worked until about midnight on Tuesday preparing the Virtual
 Seminar for Wednesday afternoon.  Linda Johnson came over to pick
 up Melanie at about 7:50 AM Wednesday morning and drop her off to
 go to cheerleading camp.  I spent a couple of hours getting kids
 started and defining what was left to do.  Then I went to the
 downtown office and made some horizon files for display in the
 CAVE from the Mozambique poster paper that Brad Macurda and I did
 several years ago.  Then I went to the VETL and worked with the
 graduate students to get them on track as to what needs to be
 accomplished.  It took longer than I thought it would. 

 I barely got back here in time to set up and give my Virtual Seminar
 at 2:00, titled: `How to Prepare and Present a Virtual Seminar.' 
 This was a really neat one.  Darrell Krueger had called me up to
 follow-up on stuff we talked about at Dad's funeral and he joined
 with the Director of Libraries, and one of his Vice-Presidents. 
 They had a local set of the html files with Winona State University,
 Winona, Minnesota, on every page.  A group at the University of
 Oregon in Eugene joined us.  They included a lady involved in
 establishing the `Effectiveness Learning Centers,' for keeping
 professors up to speed with new developments in their fields (there
 are now 800 of these centers across the U.S.).  They had local files
 with the University of Oregon logo (as taken from their web page) on
 every page of their presentation.  Then Bowen Loftin at the VETL
 joined us.  I only told him about the presentation when I was at the
 lab earlier in the morning.  Still, he had a set of local files, an
 ELDO (ELectronic Document), with the VETL logo on every page of his
 presentation.  One of the nice things for the presenter and the
 audience, is that if the topic is dynamic and something that they
 want to keep up with, they can pay us a maintenance fee and get 
 regular updates to their ELDO.  Bowen has been involved in Distance
 Learning for years, and his praise was really wonderful, because I
 know the basis of his understanding of the problem.  He says that
 the way we are presenting Virtual Seminars is one of the most
 effective ways, and the most cost effective way he has seen to
 enable Distance Learning.  (I don't know if you have any interest,
 but we are giving a Virtual Seminar every Wednesday at 2:00 through
 the end of August, and if you are interested in joining one of them 
 with some of your colleagues at the UNH, it would be wonderful. 
 The topics might not be of interest, but for your reference they are:
 July 17th, Virtual Reality in the Geosciences; July 24th, Petroleum
 Play Life Cycles by Dr. Sam LeRoy; and July 31st, Agile Virtual
 Teams.)  I was tired after the presentation.  There was a little
 computer glitch at the beginning, and I was absolutely covered with
 sweat as the seminar ended an hour later.

 Then I worked with the kids on stuff that needed to be done.  Then
 at 5:00 the contractor came by and we did a walk through of the
 house.  He seems like a nice guy, and his prices seemed reasonable. 
 He has been doing contractor work for 11 years, and has a set of
 electrical, plumbing, wallpaper, and other subcontractors that work
 with him.  He suggested the cleanest way to fix the doggie door
 issue was to replace the door.  Expensive, but not that expensive
 compared to FleaBuster's and new carpets.  I finished with him just
 in time to cook some corn dogs (Paul was suppose to fix dinner),
 change clothes and go out with the missionaries.  It was a very
 good evening.  I met the missionaries at the Burgerner's, where I
 had a chance to talk to Linda a little about Edy Smith, Roice and
 Tyler, and listen to her tell me what a wonderful family we have. 
 Then Elder Erickson and I visited two families, where there was
 occasion and opportunity to bear a strong testimony.  It felt so
 good to share that which is most dear to me.  We picked up Rob from
 Scouts and dropped him off at the house between the two appointments. 
 It was 10:00 PM when I got home from the splits.

 I had had an argument with Sara, because she chose not to have a 
 shower and get ready for Young Women's.  She was not home when I
 got home and didn't come home until Thursday afternoon, well after
 I had left the house for meetings at the VETL, and another at
 Energy Innovations.  I also argued with Rob about not doing what
 he said he would.  Paul had took off with his friends, and the house
 was an absolute mess.  I then just started in the living room,
 cleaned up  the mess and ran the vacuum cleaner.  Then did our room,
 during which time Paul came home and he and Rob started to work. 
 Then I did your closet (easy), the bathroom, my closet (hard), and
 finally the dinning room.  The downstairs looked pretty good when I
 went to bed at 2:30 AM.  The boys were still working upstairs.  They
 did a good job, except for not vacuuming, which I got them up to do
 the next morning.  

 I think you would have been really shocked by the way the old
 carpet looked in our room, particularly next to your side of the
 bed.  I strongly encourage that we do not have any food outside of
 the kitchen.  There is a lot of `stuff' that we can give to kids,
 or give away over the next few years, in preparation for the
 anticipated move to Cedar City.  I hope you are still thinking
 about and receptive to this idea.  I'm very sorry I have not done
 a better job of maintenance around the house.  I hope to do a
 better job of keeping up over the next few years, so that if we do
 move, it will not be quite the effort that putting new carpets has
 turned out to be.  It has been a good effort, and I believe it has
 been good for the kids to help and be involved.  I'm glad you did
 not have to get involved: (1) because you have done more than your
 share over the years; and (2) because I love you." 
 
#500, 11July96, Go To Sleep.
"I love you because you listened to me for about 30 seconds, when
 you called Thursday night, and said `go to sleep.'  You know me
 so well.  I love you because you said `I was thinking about you
 today.'  It is nice to know you were concerned about me (or was
 it just the kids?).  It felt so good to talk to you.  The only
 thing better would be one of those long hugging kisses which you
 are so-ooooo good at.  I miss you.  I love you." 
 
#501, 12July96, I'm Not There.
"I love you because you kept interrupting me as I gave you the list
 of reason's why I was so tired, and why I have not been able to 
 sleep very well when you called Thursday night with `and
 because I'm not there.'  It is true the couch is not as
 comfortable as our bed.  It is also true the dog makes noises
 all night.  It is also true there are animals living in and
 spending the night talking in our chimney (probably the raccoon
 family).  It is also true that I have been thinking about how
 to get everything done, like grow a real business, how to help
 my kids, how to meet your needs, and even how to get ready for
 the new carpet.  But you are right, it is mostly simply an
 issue of I miss having you to help me get to sleep.  I need you.
 I want you.  I miss you.  I wish I could visit you.  I love you." 
 
#502, 13July96, Melanie's Cheerleading Camp.
"I love you because you worry about your kids.  I don't understand
 why this cheerleading and social stuff is so important to Melanie.
 I sometimes think `I haven't met her needs and she is just
 over-striving to get male attention.'  Then I slap myself down
 and think `Well, what can I do to give her more attention.' 
 Anyway, as she left on Wednesday morning, Linda Johnson was going
 on and on and on about her father's cancer (she's a phrase
 repeater), asking me to pray for her father, and making the girls
 later for their bus ride.  I finally said, `Are you going up to
 Jacqueline's and Melanie's Cheerleading Camp on Saturday?'  She
 said, `Yes.'  I said, `Maybe we could ride up together and talk
 about this.  The girls are late.'  She said, `That would be nice.' 
 I hope I haven't got myself into something I will regret.  But she
 seems lonely, stressed out, and maybe there will be some good come
 of the ride to and back from Huntsville.  I am confessing spending
 the day with another woman before it happens because I wouldn't
 want you to do the same thing with a divorced man, because I want
 you to know my intentions are honorable, and because I love you." 
 
#503, 14July96, Prince Edward Island Postcard.
"I love you because of the Prince Edward Island Postcard you sent me. 
 There is no question how much I took you for granted, assuming you 
 would always be here for me, for the first 20+ years of our
 marriage.  There is also no question about the tables now being
 turned and my feeling absolutely starved for words of affection. 
 When I got the Prince Edward Island postcard from you and it said
 `love, Marti' I read it then I cried and cried and cried.  Sat
 there on the chair in my office with no one else in the house,
 thinking about how you said you wanted nothing but a little bit of
 recognition or acknowledgment from me, and I never gave it to you. 
 I just took you for granted.  I don't intend to ever do that again.
 I'm sorry I carry so much hurt and anger, and sometimes can't let
 my love show through the disappointment.  I am trying, and I am
 trying because I love you." 
 
#504, 15July96, Nightmare.
"I love you because you had a nightmare about Robert.  I regularly
 have absolute feelings of failure with regards to Robert.  I hope
 that if we both feel this way, we might be able to marshall our
 energy and pull him back from the rail at Cedar Breaks before he
 falls and does something irrecoverable. 

 He was checking your mail on Eudora the other day (hoping to have
 a response from Orson Scott Card).  He saw the words `Micah Songster,'
 read lovelet # 481 and sent me the following:
  `From marti@oak.walden3d.com Tue Jul  9 21:30 CDT 1996
   X-Sender: marti@oak.walden3d.com (Unverified)
   Mime-Version: 1.0
   Date: Tue, 9 Jul 1996 21:41:32 -0600
   To: rnelson@walden3d.com
   From: marti@oak.walden3d.com (marti)
   Subject: mad

   I have always hated micha he dose bad things like drugs and you
   practicle force adam and joel to say thoso things and after micha
   punched me in the face i beat him to the ground you ve praticle
   ruiend mmy friend ship whith adam and joel thank you and next time
   you have a problem about me come toME
                                                        go away 
                                                        rob'

 Needless to say he did almost no weeding before leaving for Colorado.
 I told him I wanted three garbage cans full of weeds before he left,
 and he proceeded to pull the tops off of a few tall weeds and stand
 them vertical so they looked like the garbage cans were full.  When
 I emptied all three garbage cans into one can (including half of a
 garbage can full of dried weeds I had picked 2 months ago), he looked
 and me and said `I'm sorry.'  I had been downtown for some meetings,
 and came back about an hour before he was to go to the airport.  Then
 I went upstairs to look at his room.  He had carried all of his boxes
 upstairs and basically dumped them out, shoved the stuff in his closet
 and closed the door.  I lost it.  I didn't attempt to physically
 correct him, because I have learned that does no good.  I berated him,
 swore at him, and yelled at him (even though I intellectually realize
 these also do no good).  You can take someone out of the slums, give
 them a nice beautiful new carpet, but you can't take the slums out of
 them.  They have to do it themselves.  I don't know how to help Rob.

 As I write this, a modification of a prophet's words ring through my
 head: `No success as a teacher can compensate for raising an illiterate
 child.'  I realize you will see this as typical of me pointing a finger
 in another direction, namely towards you.  What I hope you can realize
 is how this response is often a reaction to realizing there are three
 fingers pointing at me.

 I'm sorry you had the nightmare.  I'm glad it was real to you and that
 you were willing to share it with me.  I hope and pray that we can find
 a way to work together to help Rob back up from the edge and help him
 find a safe path for his life.  Other than wanting you to be able to
 love me, there is nothing I want more.  I say this and I mean this
 because I love Rob and because I love you." 
 
#505, 16July96, The Heart Aroused.
"I love you because you like reading and poetry.  On Sunday, Cory Grua
 loaned me a book called `The Heart Aroused' by David Whyte.  It
 is subtitled `Poetry and the Preservation of the Soul in Corporate
 America.'  I read most of the book on the Dallas temple trip.  It
 is wonderfully vague, and yet right on track.  An example, which
 relates directly to an ongoing conflict between you and I is:
  `Much of our view of the world is formed from our ideas of order.
   We hope, look for, and pray for order and make the sign of the
   evil eye at any possibility of encroaching chaos, yet the poetic
   tradition, and those scientists studying complexity, see both
   qualities as interwoven and interdependent.  We are schooled to
   see chaos as being the mirror-opposite of order and an enemy of
   life, but scientists investigating complexity in nature see 
   order and wildness dancing cheek to cheek in a vital and
   necessary dance, informing everything from the way the land
   branches and splits in an earthquake to the distribution of
   incomes in a modern economy.'

 I feel like the house has been transformed from a telestial to a
 terrestial environment.  Ordered, if you will.  I can see past the
 current chaos and disorder to an ordered, lovely environment.  Yet
 I fear chaos taking over again.  The ongoing struggle of life
 sometimes seems overwhelming.  Hopefully I can learn to do the
 cheek to cheek dance and put aside or better handle my pendant for
 order as a way to show you how much I love you." 
 
#506, 17July96, Gin Rummy.
"I love you because you want our family to play games and do things
 together.  Chris Schmidt and I taught the fourth fellowshipping
 discussion to Jason Pweut while Melanie and Sara were at Young
 Women's and Paul was in College Station with Ben.  Matt Songster
 came by as we were starting and then left to go on a split with
 the missionaries, telling Jason he would be back to pick him up
 afterwards.  I was kind of in shock, because it was only 6:45
 and I realized the missionaries would not be finished until 9:30. 
 We finished the fellowshipping discussion about 8:00 and Chris
 took off to go play ice hockey.  Jason pulled out a deck of cards
 and said `Want to play gin rummy?'  I picked my mouth up off the
 floor and said, `Sure, why not.'  I had played a lot of gin rummy
 as a kid, and over the next couple of hours I won something like
 15 straight hands.  Jason got quite irritated towards the end.
 It reminded me of the Rook tournaments with Mom and Dad.  As
 Melanie, Marie, and Sara came in and flirted with Jason, it 
 graphically reminded me how I have missed the boat in terms of
 relaxing and doing things with my family and those I love the
 most.  I thought of Dad and how he never could really relax and 
 do things with me.  Thought about his youth and how his Dad just
 worked and probably never did much with his kids except go to
 basketball games at BAC (The Branch Agricultural College).  When
 you come back, can we do a better job?  Can we buy some Rook cards,
 or teach the kids to play Gin Rummy, or play Scrabble once a week,
 or do something together?  I do not want to become obsessed with
 cards.  I want to do things together.  I want to do the right
 things, because I love the kids and because I love you." 
 
#507, 18July96, Sarcasm.
"I love you because you let me know when my sarcasm is upsetting you.
 This is kind of a new phenonomen, or maybe it is just that these
 days I can better recognize when I am upsetting you.  It was not,
 nor has it ever been my intention to hurt you.  It seems like the
 sarcasm is a cynical reaction when I feel hurt, taken for granted,
 misunderstood, or afraid of what could happen as a result of some
 activity or action by someone I care deeply about.  I am sorry the
 phone conversation was so hard for you.  It was also hard for me,
 but I recognize that it was hard for me because of my own
 obsessions and deep held fears, most of which I don't even
 understand.  I really did enjoy your poem and your reading of it.
 I do not understand why it was necessary to break the fourth
 commandment on the next to the last line, and I'm afraid it pushed
 one of my `fear for my family' buttons.  Please bear with me when
 I react.  Please remember my motivations and how much I love you." 
 
#508, 19July96, Ben's Dalmatian.
"I love you because you regularly remind me how much you care about Ben.
 He came down this afternoon with Sarah.  They brought Sadie with 
 them.  Melanie was so-oo cute when she came in and saw Ben's
 Dalmatian.  Sarah and Ben took her with them to see Sarah's parents
 and then came back to go to dinner with me.  We went to Landry's. 
 I had shrimp fettuccine, Sarah had popcorn shrimp, and Ben had
 fried shrimp.  Ben doesn't look very good to me: too thin (says
 he's the same weight), and washed out coloring.  Said he has been
 having a lot of gas, and I encouraged him to drink a lot of milk,
 in case it is an ulcer.  It was a very enjoyable dinner. 

 When we got back to the house, Sara had just got home from
 AstroWorld and was freaking out because there was this dalmatian
 running loose in the house.  We walked in to a pile of dog poop by
 the back door, and a big puddle on the wood floor in the front
 entrance.  Sara had paged Melanie and was talking to her about the
 two dog poop messes she cleaned up on the living room floor.  There
 are now two 2 inch places where Ben's dalmatian left her mark on
 the new carpet.  I cleaned them up the best I could, and I will get
 some stuff at the store to clean up the carpet when I go tonight or
 tomorrow.  All in all the evening could have been worse. 

 I could react to Sarah the way I do to Roice's roommates.  But I
 really like Sarah a lot.  I feel she has been very good for Ben,
 except maybe for getting him that dog.  But then, maybe the
 responsibility will be good for him.  Anyway, thanks for sticking
 by him.  You are right it will all work out.  I love you." 
 
#509, 20July96, The Nutty Professor.
"I love you because you like to go to movies with me.  I have missed
 our weekly date a lot.  When Ben first said he was coming down,
 he asked if everyone could go see The Hunchback of Notre Dame with
 him.  I told him everyone had already seen it.  He was disappointed.
 Almost his first words were `Do you want to go see a movie?'  Then,
 `What about Phenonomen?'  I responded `Your Mom asked me to wait
 until she gets home so that we could go see it together.  What about
 The Nutty Professor?'  His response was `Great!'  He then proceeded
 to ask Melanie, who is lifeguarding, and, after dinner, Sara, who
 said `Sure.'  It is nice that Ben associates Walt Disney with home and
 family.  Maybe I haven't completely failed.  

 I did loose the chess game to him finally.  When he came in he walked
 right to the chess game and said `Let's finish this!'  The end result
 was, when he finally did win, I was +18 past the move his first idle
 brag said he would have me in checkmate on.  And I question who won. 
 I think we both won.  This chess game covered a time of considerable
 stress, including: Dad's/Grandpa's death and funeral; the stolen
 motorcycle; the new dog; a request for help in finding a `real job;'
 and this visit home.  Seems that the chess game kind of opened some
 doors of communication.  Thanks for believing in Ben.  I love you." 
 
#510, 21July96, Rob's Trip to Colorado.
"I love you because you arranged for Rob to spend time with his Grandmother
 in Colorado.  Based on my phone conversation with both of them it seems
 like it has been a very good visit for him.  He is getting up early
 each day (he is also going to bed early and not watching excessive
 amounts of television, except for the Olympics).  He is reading a lot
 every day.  He is going on walks on the bike trails.  He went to church. 
 He misses home, and said `Dad, what I really need is for you to love me.'
 All in all, I think it is turning out to be a very good trip for him.
 Thanks for having a Mom and StepFather that can be Grandparents for
 Rob.  I know how much my Grandpa Hafen meant to me, and it pleases me
 for him to have some intergenerational stability.  I love you." 
 
#511, 22July96, KISD Board Meeting.
"I love you because you are involved in education.  I think it is such
 an important part of our society, and something we all take so much
 for granted.  At Ken Burton's invitation, I went to the KISD Board
 Meeting on Monday night and listened to them approve a $118 million
 annual budget.  There is a lot of room for improper activities with
 this scale of activity.  I am sure that for the most part everything
 is above board, but I am equally sure that there are those that are
 taking advantage of the opportunities for self-gain.  It is hard for
 me to conceive of a group of honest men and women voting 7 to 0 on
 every proposal brought to them, and not having someone pulling
 strings in the background.  As mentioned on the phone, Ken referred
 to having `a daily log of the activities of a student at OAC for 20 
 days' and that `it shows that the center is not meeting defined KISD
 objectives.'  He was careful not to bring our family into the picture,
 because we still have kids in the school district and he `expects
 that there could be problems for us' if we attack the system directly
 over what happened with Paul.  Like everything in life that matters
 (taking out of context a comment by President Benson), education
 starts from the inside and works out, beginning with the individual
 teacher that cares.  Thanks for caring for your students.  I love you." 
 
#512, 23July96, What is Wrong?.
"I love you because you asked me `What is wrong?' as we started our
 phone conversation Tuesday night.  There was nothing wrong, and
 it has given me something to contemplate and think about all week.

 My reaction was to look for something that was wrong.  To search
 my mind for anything that I might be upset about.  After all I
 thought, `If my wife, who knows me better than anyone else in the
 world other than myself, thinks something is wrong, then something
 must be wrong.'  I came up with a comment about the difference in
 my perception of what was meant by the two cards received from New
 Hampshire: the first a beautiful colorful landscape expressing
 genuine appreciation and closing with `love Marti' (literally
 bringing me to tears); and the second a black and white and cold
 card, using Thoreau's words in a way that came across as
 justifying selfishness and closing with `Marti.'  So while we
 were on the phone I thought and thought until I came up with this
 one thing that had mildly irritated me and attempted to find
 words to express my reaction.  What I heard in response was 
`I knew there was something wrong.  Here you go again taking
 anything I do out of context and making a big deal about it. 
 That was not what I was thinking at all.' 

 So why does this make me realize I love you.  First, because, as
 I have thought about this interaction, I realize how human we
 both are, and specifically how easy it is for each of us to take
 things out of context and literally make mountains out of mole
 hills.  Second, because I saw in this interaction the seeds of
 the misunderstandings that have so plagued us through the last
 few years of our marriage.  Judgment.  Misinterpretation. 
 Reaction.  Self-Justification.  Third, I realized that it is
 usually me that starts the cycle and creates the problems by
 literally expecting there to be problems, which by that very act
 ends up creating the problems.  I am sorry I have done this so
 often.  I will strive to only expect the best.  Please forgive
 me for my pessimism and know that behind it I truly love you." 
 
#513, 24July96, Twenty-Fourth's of July.
"I love you because you have been with me for 24 twenty-fourth's of July
 (counting the summer in Denver when I gave a talk about `the
 pioneers and the 24th of July' and the last two summers where we
 have been married but in different parts of the country).  I had a
 special experience, in my head, relative to this 24th of July, and
 I want to share it with you via entries on the Chess Dialogue Board:
  >
  >Sat 20Jul96 19:26:05 
  >
  >Ben, for our reference I added the notation for this second game,
  >which I am going to beat. Good Luck. Let the game begin.
  >
  >Pawn from K2 to K3.
  >
  >Tue 23Jul96 7:40:50 
  >
  >knight from KN1 to KB3 
  >
  >ben 
  >
  >Tue 23Jul96 22:28:35 
  >
  >knight from KN1 to KB3.
  >
  >Happy 24th of July. Do you remember when we were in Dallas
  >and we used to go down to the Malouf Ranch and reconstruct
  >the pioneer trail to Salt Lake every 24th of July? You kids
  >used to love to play by the lake, buy rock candy, and run around.
  >I really enjoyed building the bowery and commerating those who
  >did so much that we might have the knowledge and heritage we so
  >often take for granted. I guess I am in a writing mood because
  >a young man that came to church a couple of weeks ago called and
  >asked for a blessing. Brother Peterson and I went. His wife of
  >nine months just moved out and had moved in with an old boyfriend.
  >He had come home early from his mission because of choices they
  >had made before he left. Then she joined the church and they
  >got married and now he suddenly finds his whole world turned
  >upside down. At least he asked for a blessing. Also his brother
  >was there to provide him some moral support and he is going to 
  >move back home as soon as he can to get help from his Mom. It
  >really struck home with me how good of kids I have, how blessed
  >I am, how I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself, and when I came
  >in the house, checked the chess dialog board and say your move, 
  >I wanted to thank you for the fun memories I have, like spending 
  >the 24th of July doing a pioneer treck at the Malouf Ranch as 
  >well as the opportunity to skunk you in chess. Thanks. Love, 
  >
  >Dad 
  >
  >Wed 24Jul96 12:45:54 
  >
  >pawn from Q2 to Q4. 
  >
  >ben 
  >
  >Thu 25Jul96 13:22:20 
  >
  >Thank you for your email concerning Sarah. I am really glad that you 
  >like her. I appreciate you letting me know. 
  >
  >ben 
  >
  >Thu 25Jul96 23:07:52 
  >
  >Pawn from QK2 to QK3. 
  >
  >Dad 
  >
  >Sat 27Jul96 7:55:39 
  >
  >Bishop from QB1 to KN5.
  >
  >Have you heard anything from your friends in College Satation yet? 
  >
  >ben 
  >
  >Sat 27Jul96 9:08:16 
  >
  >Pawn from QB2 to QB4.
  >
  >Joel Watkins, in the Geophysics Department tells me he does all of
  >his investments in Houston and he doesn't really know anyone that
  >does that kind of thing in BCS. If he thinks of someone he will
  >let me know. Ron Szabo says that the best thing is to go to the
  >department administration and see if they have any referrals (please
  >refer to the suggestions in my e-mail). I have been very busy, and
  >I forgot to call my other contact Tony Ganghi, but I will do that 
  >on Monday. In the meantime, it would be helpful if you could give
  >me a more complete description of what you consider the ideal part
  >time job: duties; hours; salary; etc. 
  >
  >Dad 
  >
 I expect you are more interested in the later conversation than that
 on the 24th.  But as I sat down to make my chess move, after going
 with Alan to give the blessing, and contemplated the 24th of July,
 the pioneers, my heritage, and recalled the 24th commerations in
 Dallas at the Malouf ranch I was overcome with good feelings. 

 As I attempt to write about it, I wish I could find the words to
 describe how I see, and long for you to see, our family: with the
 vision of Brigham Young looking out of the back of the wagon at the
 Great Salt Lake Valley and seeing what the valley would become; with
 the forgiveness and patience he showed after getting over his initial
 angry response to having the Pioneer Day Festivities at Park City
 disrupted with news that Johnson's Army was marching to destroy the
 Mormons; and with the fortitude and stamina and dreams of the
 pioneers that spent the 24th of July letting their wagons down
 Hole-in-the-Rock to cross the Colorado River and set up colonies in
 Southern Arizona and eventually provide the church with Spencer W.
 Kimball.  As Bishop Robert Snyder told us, we truly are pioneers,
 leaving our heritage and coming out into the world (Texas) to spread
 the word and build up the Kingdom of God.  Like the pioneers, it 
 currently appears there have been many casualties on our family's
 trail.  But like the pioneers, I will sing out: 
   `'Tis better far for us to strive,
    our useless cares from us to drive;
    Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
    All is well! All is well!' and
   `Why should we morn or think our lot is hard? 
    'Tis not so; all is right. 
    Why should we think to earn a great reward,
    if we now shun the fight.
    Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. 
    Our God will never us forsake; and
    soon we'll have this tale to tell -
    All is well!  All is well!' 
 For I know God lives, I know His Son loves me and has forgiven me,
 and I know that through His justice and mercy things will work out
 for our family and for each of His children's ultimate happiness.  

 I'm not asking for an easy trail, and I am glad you are on the
 trail with me, because there is no one in the world that I have
 met, know, or ever heard of that has the strength to smooth off
 my rough edges better than you.  Thanks for continuing the treck
 with me.  I love you." 
 
#514, 25July96, Bill Bavinger.
"I love you because you have never said anything disparaging about my
 having friends like Ken Turner, David Devor, Carolyn Sumners, 
 Terry Smith, Sam LeRoy, John Amason, Ron Szabo, Jeff Hume, and
 Bill Bavinger.  I do not exactly understand what clicks with me
 and some of these sometimes `off the wall' members of society. 
 As part of our regularly scheduled Thursday evening meeting to
 turn our efforts in Virtual Seminars into a viable business,
 Bill Bavinger came and gave Terry, Sam, Rhonda, and I a sort-of
 presentation/discussion.  As I watched him struggle to present
 his vision in a coherent manner, limited by the ability to find
 the words that communicated the picture in his mind, and as I
 watched Terry Smith struggle to comprehend and map Bill's words
 and strings of thoughts through a universe of ideas and experiences
 into a viable plan of attack, I was struck with the similarity
 of our communication issues.  Terry left the meeting with a
 headache, saying, `Roice, this is very hard for me to sift through
 all of the threads of information that Bill is describing and
 understand a specific opportunity that we can take advantage of.'
 Terry is working on it and Bill is attempting to keep control of
 his emotional reaction to those who `just can't see what is right
 in front of their faces' in the same way he can.  It reminded
 me of my 514 lovelet struggle to convince you why I love you." 
 
#515, 26July96, Won't Complain About Anything.
"I love you because you told me on the phone that when you get back
 you won't complain about anything.  I understand the context, and
 I believe you appreciate my efforts to make your trip to New
 Hampshire successful for you.  As Ken Turner and I were working on
 his Virtual Seminar and as the plumber came in and saw paint tarps
 all over the floor of the front hall with painters everywhere and
 Sara coming in from the living room, and Melanie and friends going
 upstairs, he said `I can't believe you are doing all of this and
 still living here at the same time.'  It has been an interesting
 challenge at times, and I have had to make some decisions, like
 whether to paint the front entrance way.  I think they did a 
 wonderful job, and pretty perfectly left your beautiful stencils.
 However, I am sure there are things you won't like.  I am sorry.
 I hope you won't bottle it up inside for 14 years and let it
 fester and boil until something breaks inside.  Please feel free
 to complain, and we will do our best to fix the problems together.
 That's what I want in our marriage, namely to be able to attack the
 challenges and trials of life together, instead of tilting at
 windmills alone. Thanks in advance for complaining and not
 attacking, and for finding ways to work with me.  I love you." 
 
#516, 27July96, Don't Understand Why I Love You.
"I love you because you had tears in your eyes and a tremor in your
 voice when I told you how much I love you and how much I miss
 you.  I don't understand your words, namely that you `don't
 understand why I miss you or why I love you.'  I don't know
 how to build up your self-esteem.  I now recognize that I have
 done exactly the opposite of building you up for years;
 attacking house cleaning, church involvement, and child raising
 techniques.  As I have tried to change my conversation,
 specifically and I believe dramatically illustrated by 516
 lovelets, I also have come to recognize you have a very, very,
 very low level of self-esteem.  No matter what I do I hear,
 `How can anyone love me.'  I have come to realize that I can
 not change your self-perception, nor can I try to change your
 self-perception.  All I can do is love you, pray for you, be
 there for you, and wait for you to realize what a wonderful
 person you are.  I believe the day will come when you will
 recognize you are Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little
 Mermaid all rolled into one.  In the meantime, I love you." 
 
#517, 28July96, Happy Marriages.
"I love you because you told me you would listen to the tapes I have
 been listening to on Controlling Anger when you get home and 
 implied that we could play them for the kids.  I went for a run
 and thought the following comments I listened to are worth sharing:

  `In happy marriages couples do the following when we talk about
   doing mental work.

   In happy marriages, if your spouse does something wonderful,
   a happily married person says, `my spouse just did the most
   wonderful thing.'  `Isn't he adorable.'  `Isn't he thoughtful.'
   `Isn't he just the most darling person.'  They explain the
   spouses nice behavior in terms of something in their husband
   or wife.  Something in their nature.  They are just darling
   and wonderful.

   If the spouse does something thoughtless, or troubling, or
   annoying they say `Auugh, poor guy.'  `He's under a lot of
   pressure at work.'  `He didn't really mean that.'  `That's
   just an aberation.'  `He's really a sweetie, but, you know,
   he didn't mean to yell at me like that.'

   Now, unhappy couples do just the reverse.

   When the spouse does something thoughtless, cruel, annoying,
   or whatever, they take it as part of the spouses character. 
   `You see, he's just like that.'  `He's lazy, thoughtless,
   mean and cruel.'  `It's in his nature.'

   If, of course, the person does something nice and loving, he was,
   of course, `He was forced into it by circumstances.'  `His
   mother told him to bring me some flowers.'  `It's nothing in him,
   it's just he was forced to do it.'

   Notice same kinds of relationships, but very different
   explainations of the spouses behavior.  Leading to very
   different emotional states.'
    
 You have told me for years that I have been attacking you, your
 character, and your rights as an individual.  I do believe it is
 your nature to be kind, loving, caring, nurturing, and self-less.
 I'm sorry you feel I have attacked you, your character, and your
 rights.  If I have, it has not been intentional.  If you feel I 
 do, please point it out to me and please talk to me about it.  Don't
 bottle it up inside for 15 years.

 I also believe that there is a very low-frequency (5-10 year cycle)
 that you have been going through that is an aberation of your true
 nature.  I remember all of the times you have shown your loving and
 caring nature, and I look forward to the big bang (when you have
 collapsed as far as you can inside yourself and turn back outwards to
 help and serve those around you).  In the meantime, I love you." 
 
#518, 29July96, Easier To Talk When We Are Together.
"I love you because of something you said to me on the phone last night.
 I was trying to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you
 and I interpreted your response as telling me I am incompetent and
 don't know what I am saying.  Then you said, `It will be easier to
 talk when we are together about all of this.  It is hard to talk on
 the phone.'  My interpretation, be it right or wrong, is that you
 have something you want to tell me about my saying I miss you and
 I love you.  Possibly that you missed me a little bit.  Even if you
 didn't, you still are to me my Beatrice, my dream, and I love you." 
 
#519, 30July96, Orthodontist.
"I love you because you have taken all of our kids to the Orthodontist.
 After Sara's check-up, which she was basically asleep for, the
 nurse called me in.  She acted like there was a real problem, and
 that I needed to jump to it and pay the proper respect to Dr.
 Winkleman.  He just wanted to know what we were doing to our house,
 and particularly asked about the boards that had been left in the
 front yard.  `Was it a fence?'  When I explained it was a trellis
 that was all broken up, as near as I could tell, because Roice
 and friends used it as a diving board, he chuckled.  I'm not very
 good at small talk, and didn't really learn much about him, or
 make much of an acquaintance.  It would be nice to know some of
 our neighbors, and to do some things with them.  In the meantime,
 this little errand was one of many over the past few weeks that
 showed me how much you do to keep our family working.  Thanks for
 all of your efforts over the years.  I love you." 
 
#520, 31July96, Glad.
"I love you because you said you were glad I miss you, and you were
 glad you were coming home.  I am too.  I really hope we can do
 a lot better and treat your return like we just got off of our
 honeymoon and are `settling down for a long winter's night.'  
 Thanks for being glad.  I love you." 
 
#521, 01Aug96, University of New Hampshire.
"I love you because you have made the effort to go to the University
 of New Hampshire the last two summers.  I know it has been hard
 for you.  Probably harder for you than for the family.  I expect
 to climb mountains in my daily activity, but I believe you like
 to travel along contours of constant elevation.  To me it is just
 another hill.  However, I think for you, it is a stretch.  That's
 good in my book.  I think we will both be better for it.  Thanks
 for making the effort to improve yourself.  I love you." 
 
#522, 02Aug96, Jack-in-the-Box at the Pool.
"I love you because we have a wonderful daughter.  I have got to know
 Melanie better while you have been gone, and it has been good for
 both of us.  Rob and I ate Jack-in-the-Box at the Pool with Melanie.
 It was fun to see here working with the little kids.  She didn't
 realize Jamie Langston and her kids are members of the ward.  It was
 an eye opener to her, and a funny discussion.  Then, we talked about
 quite a few things as we sat there and ate.  There was no one there
 after the Langston's left until we were ready to leave and a father
 and two of his kids came in.  Melanie called the little girl by name
 and said, `Is that a new swimming suit?  I really like it!'  The
 little girl was tickled pink.  It was cute, and I wish you could
 have been there.  In the meantime, thanks for your good influence on
 Melanie.  I love you." 
 
#523, 03Aug96, In-Between.
"I love you because you had the insight and willingness to say, just
 before you left, `I hope it will be good for you and the girls to
 get to know each other without me being in-between.'  I had never
 seen you as being in-between, but as I look back over the last six
 weeks, I recognize that there has been a different dance.  It has
 been good for all of us.  Thanks for creating the opportunity for
 me to get to know Sara and Melanie better, and, I believe, for them
 to get to know me better.  I see some real positive things have 
 come about as a result of your summer schooling.  Thanks for having
 the courage of your convictions.  I love you." 
 
#525, 05Aug96, Miss Mom.
"I love you because you called from Arkansas shortly after Melanie
 said, `Aren't you excited that Mom will be home tomorrow?  Don't
 you miss Mom?'  If she only realized how much I missed you.
 But maybe she will someday.  In the meantime I am excited you
 will be home in a little while.  Not for one of the reasons
 Melanie is excited, namely that it is her night to cook dinner
 and you said `Why don't we all go out to Chile's for dinner?'
 Your express mail, which I paid $11 to have delivered to you
 on Tuesday, was returned this afternoon.  Maybe that particular
 piece of mail will give you additional insights as to how much
 I missed you.  Anyway, you will be home at any minute.  I look
 forward to a hug and a kiss and telling you how much I love you." 
 
#526, 06Aug96, Flat.
"I love you because you were so cute as we discussed your neat new
 hand-stitched Amish blouse.  The words are wonderful:
    'Keep you face towards the sun,
     So the shadows fall behind you.'
 Your reaction to my suggestion of spelling sun `Son' was precious.
 It is true I always try.  It is true I will keep always trying.
 Then we talked about how the quilt was quite flat, and you said 
 `But it is not flat underneath.'  Yes, I know.  I love you." 
 
#527, 07Aug96, Bear Hug.
"I love you because you gave me such a big bear hug on your second or
 third day back, saying how much you appreciate my efforts to make
 the house nice for you.  I expect you are right on track, that it
 is a misguided attempt to say how much I care, how hard I am trying
 to change, and how I would like our family to be.  A symbol.
 However, because of my own weaknesses, I keep reviewing with myself
 President Benson's words:
   `The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works from
    the outside in.  The world would take people out of the
    slums.  Christ takes the slums out of people, and then
    they take themselves out of the slums.  The world would
    mold men by changing their environment.  Christ changes
    men, who then change their environment.  The world would
    shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.'
 I am sorry that I am so much of the world.  I'm sorry I work from
 the outside in.  I'm sorry I try to change environments and then
 expect the new environment to change and shape the behavior of
 members of our family.  I am trying to provide the space for
 everyone to find a relation with our Savior.  I am fasting,
 praying, loving, supporting, and continually screwing up.  I just
 hope someday you can come to realize how much, in my own weak and
 so imperfect ways, I love you." 
 
#528, 08Aug96, Phenomenon.
"I love you because you said, `I want to go to a movie.  I missed going
 to movies so much.'  I interpreted, probably wrongly, that you
 missed doing something with me.  I hope that there is at least a
 germ of truth in my interpretation.  It was fun to go see the movie
 Phenomenon with you.  As I'm sure you can see, I directly connected
 with the main character.  He didn't understand what was happening
 to himself, the things that happened were outside himself, and yet
 they were positive and worthwhile.  It bothers me that all movies
 have to have illicit sexual relationships in them.  It bothers me
 that there needs to be a scientific reason for everything.  But
 other than those two attacks of faith, I really thought the movie
 was wonderful.  I especially appreciated your letting me hold your
 hand.  I get tremendous energy and feelings of self worth from you. 
 I wish I provided the same for you.  I love you." 
 
#529, 09Aug96, Karen Amason.
"I love you because you have such a good friend in Karen Amason.  I
 do not understand Karen, and I feel she has said things to John
 about stuff I do or try to do that is a basis for him not returning
 phone calls or answering e-mail.  My rational mind tells me this is
 baloney and to stop thinking that.  It is like my being jealous of
 you and Karen and your mutual friends doing things together.  I'm
 glad you had a good time at the Gospel Singing presentation at the
 Baptist church with Karen.  I'm sorry I get these jealous spirits. 
 I'm glad the two of you went out together and had a good time.  I
 hope you  continue to support your friendship with Karen, for I do
 believe Karen has been very good for you.  I do appreciate how her
 support has helped you over the last couple of very hard years for
 both of us.  I love you." 
 
#530, 10Aug96, Less is More.
"I love you because you came into the living room where I was reading
 Discovery on Saturday morning, flirting with me.  Thanks for the
 hug and the kiss.  I heard you loud and clear say that, in this
 case, `less is more.'  I will strive to follow that advice.  I
 also heard you point out that it is not possible I could have as
 much fun as you do.  I don't know that we can quantitatively
 measure and compare fun and enjoyment.  I do believe that it is
 ok, as long as we both have times of fun and enjoyment.  Thanks
 for turning less into more.  I love you." 
 
#531, 11Aug96, Emma.
"I love you because you went to the movie Emma with me, because we
 were both so touched by the movie, and because you talked to
 me after the movie.  It is a fact that the star looks a lot
 like the picture of my Grandma, Emma Lambson Nelson.  It is a
 fact that Grandma Nelson had a tremendous influence in my life.
 It is a fact I also took this movie very personally.  It is also
 a fact your fears are not mine.  I am sorry that my mind can
 make up reasons for you being so upset that are so much worse
 than the truth.  I really appreciate your sharing that `all you
 want is a friend like that.'  I'm sorry I have not been able to
 be `that kind of friend.' 

 I realize there is a reasonable provability I never will be able
 to be `that kind of a friend' for you.  Too much history, both
 before we were married, and, sadly, afterwards.  Even if you can
 not forgive me for my weakness, both unintentional and on purpose,
 I hope that you can realize how hard I am trying to be perfect
 enough for you.  Just perfect enough that I can be accepted by
 you as a human being, and as someone worthy of your company. 

 I think you know how hard it is to have the perfect model set
 out in front of you, but I don't think you realize the standard
 you put up for me to meet in order to receive even the table
 crumbs of your affection.  Maybe this is the real value in my
 tendency to tilt at windmills and to take on impossible quests. 
 It may be impossible for you to ever say you love me again, but,
 Beatrice (or is `my lady Dulcinea'), I will continue to love you." 
 
#532, 12Aug96, Responded.
"I love you because you responded to four of my lovelets with care,
 and dare I say it, with love.  I find the titles interesting:
 stop it, bear hug, less is more, Emma.  But more important to 
 me is the fact that you took the time and put some of your
 excellent writing talent towards writing to me.  I just hope
 that you can, over the course of my attempts to write meaningful
 lovelets, come to realize: (1) you are lovable; and (2) I love you." 
 
#533, 13Aug96, Don't Worry About Me.
"I love you because you said, in response to my asking what you want
 for breakfast and in your sleep, `don't worry about me.'  I wish
 I knew how to get it through your thick skull that I do and always
 will worry about you and do and always will love you." 
 
#534, 14Aug96, Ken Burton.
"I love you because you are so interested in education.  It was nice
 to spend some time talking to Ken Burton about what is happening
 in KISD and how things can be improved.  You were cute when I told
 you Ken had told me the wrong evening, and you said, `Well, what
 have you been doing all of this time?  Just talking!'  Ken wants
 to get me to turn my energies towards making a difference in our
 school district.  It seems like a little project, in an already
 over achieving school district.  But the implications of what we
 talked about could set a new standard for school districts all
 across the U.S.A.  And, just possibly, this focus of my efforts
 would be something we could work on together, and maybe it would
 even help me to show you how much I love you." 
 
#535, 15Aug96, Nervous.
"I love you because you really gave me a kiss this morning.  It was
 really nice, and I do think you liked it too.  If this is what
 happens when you get nervous, we need to get you nervous more
 often.  Of course, there is only one first day of school each
 year, and so maybe I just need to be content with an annual
 passionate kiss.  But then, there was one just before you left
 for New Hampshire, and . . . .  I love you." 
 
#536, 16Aug96, Smells.
"I love you because you smell nice.  I love the perfumes you choose.
 I love to hold your hand and then smell my hand.  I love to smell
 your hair and the smell that accompanies the taste of kissing.

 However, like several of my other lovelets, the other side of this
 coin is dark.  I grew up with horrible smells.  Imagine taking a
 truck overflowing with the stomachs of slaughtered cows down to the
 lower plant, cutting open each sack and dumping the contents on the
 ground so it can later be used as fertilizer for the fields.  And 
 you thought a fart smelled bad!  I loved the smell of corn silage,
 but was really mocked by college kids when I parked the pickup at
 the FrostTop and they could smell the smell of fermented corn.  I
 hated the smells on the killing floor of the packing plant, and
 particularly the smells at the byproducts plant; where thousands of
 bones, and entrails, and brains, and hoofs, etc. were cooked,
 pressed into 50 pound cakes, squeezing the grease out of them, and
 then ground up as protein for turkey and chicken feed and pet food. 
 And top all of these facts off with the fact that olfactory nerves
 are long and slender and go from the outside world directly to the
 center of our brains.  They have the ability to directly send
 messages to our brain stem, where base emotional hijackings occur.

 Rejection is hard for me.  Rejection is particularly hard, when I
 feel like I am doing everything about as perfect as is possible for
 me, and there is a possibility (even if it is remote) the rejection
 could be related to images in a catalog, on a computer screen, or
 words that slip into our bedroom under the door by means of e-mail.
 In our dance, the rejection is said with body language and smells,
 and I frankly do not have the psychological tools to handle the
 emotional hijacking much better than I did last night.  The body
 language has been said for years, even before our seventh anniversary,
 and has been the basis for mean discussions, like those about
 `sources' and `sinks.'  I know you say I have no basis.  But in fact
 there has certainly been a basis the last 14 years.  I did the best
 interpretation I could with the data available, and I was wrong. 
 But now I have more data, and I continue to strive to refine my
 interpretation.  When I am teased and then rejected, it seems like
 a pretty normal reaction to feel like your needs are met in another
 way.  Or do I need to learn somehow that this is that just a normal
 part of the chase?  I am trying, but I don't know if I can learn that.

 When we first met and when we dated, I loved you because you were so
 outgoing, sharing, caring, and giving.  I truly believe these 
 characteristics are the basis of the real Marti that I love.  On the
 negative side of my `normal' self-inflating egotistical view of my
 personal importance, I feel I must have somehow modeled the destructive
 self-gratifying approaches you seem to have adopted, provably for
 psychological projection from my anger.  I am sorry!  I am trying
 so hard, and I fail again and again and again and again!  Do I not
 have any characteristics that can be the basis for being treated like
 a husband and a lover?  You ask for acceptance, but you don't accept.
 You take and use, but sometimes I feel like you don't give.  Maybe
 you have already given more than most wives give in their entire life
 and I need to come to understand the well is dry.  If this is the
 case, you still need to tell me.  I can not read your mind.  I can
 interpret patterns that I see, and intuit trends.  But I really
 do not understand what is going on inside your head.  Please tell me.

 Please forgive me for all of those things I have said in this `lovelet'
 that offend you.  I do not believe love is all positive.  I do believe
 that love is enhanced by little things like proper interpretation of
 smells.  I love you because you smell nice, and I want you to know
 that I do love you." 
 
#537, 17Aug96, Talked With Me.
"I love you because you talked with me this morning.  I knew yesterdays
 lovelet would be hard.  I knew I couldn't keep it bottled up inside
 me.  I am sorry it was hard to talk, but I'm glad we did.  I 
 especially appreciated you talking about how you learned as a child
 not to trust the tranquil times, because you knew they were going
 to turn ugly again.  I hope we can do better than our parents in
 this regards, although we both realize we haven't done very well.
 I hope you can forgive me for my misjudgments, and recognize how
 hard I am trying, and that it is because I love you." 
 
#538, 18Aug96, Westheimer.
"I love you because we have our own street, Westheimer.  Some
 couples have a song, some couples have flower, some couples
 have a color, and some couples have a poem.  But we have a
 restaurant, Landry's, and a street, Westheimer.  I love you." 
 
#539, 19Aug96, Convictions.
"I respect you because you are honoring your stated convictions
 concerning Sunday School and Relief Society.  It is very hard for
 me, as you know.  I sometimes wonder if it is part of an ongoing
 test to see if I will love you if you do something I disagree with,
 and by extension if I can love my kids when they don't `toe the line.' 
 As I implied, I'm not sure if this choice is because of a conviction,
 or is based on some other reason.  I love the fact that you are
 taking a stand, in a circumstance I know is hard, and sticking with
 that stand.  I hope this stand is not an eternal conviction, and that
 you will evaluate the near term consequences for you and me, as well
 as the long term for children who follow this example.  I pray you
 can find something more positive and more worthy of your efforts to
 stand against the world with.  I fear, not unlike the opposite of a
 testimony, if it is said often enough it will become a `fact' in your
 mind.  But even if it is, or if it becomes that strong, I love you." 
 
#540, 20Aug96, Always With Me.
"I love you because you are always with me.  When Sherry Sump's
 Aunt asked me in the temple, `Where is your wife?' I felt ashamed
 you weren't with me.  But when I told her you are teaching High
 School English, she appeared to think nothing more about it.  I
 spent the next two sessions thinking about how you are always with
 me.  Always in my mind.  Always part of my life.  Thinking about
 how I shouldn't think anything more about it either.  Thinking
 about how neat it is that I was able to go to the temple and
 replace the wrong sized garments I bought you the last time I had
 the opportunity to go to the temple.  Thinking about the endowment
 and about how much I enjoy and learn from this time of
 contemplation and mental exercise, where I can build new knowledge
 relationships.  And the whole experience reinforced once again,
 how much I love you." 
 
#541, 21Aug96, Tired.
"I love you because you are working so hard you were so tired you
 could hardly make it to bed.  I love you because you are doing
 something you enjoy and are good at.  I love you because you are
 not feeling sorry for yourself, you have once again become the
 captain of your own soul.  I am very proud of you and I want you
 to know how much I love you." 
 
#542, 22Aug96, I Am Not To Worry.
"I love you because you turned to me in the bathroom when I asked
 if I could fix you some oatmeal and said `You told me in a lovelet
 I am not to worry!'  It made me feel like I have found something
 you appreciate, that you heard me, that there is hope for us, and
 that all is right with the world.  Thank you and I love you." 
 
#543, 23Aug96, Sara's Birthday.
"I love you because you are helping to make Sara's birthday a
 special experience for her.  I do not understand why she is
 so angry.  I do not understand what she is afraid of.  I don't
 know that you do either, but I do know how much impact you have
 on her.  Thanks.  I love her and want nothing but the best for
 her.  As you said the other night, you have `been there for our
 kids.'  Thanks again.  I love you." 
 
#544, 24Aug96, Independence Day.
"I love you because you `measure everyone else against me.'  I love
 you because you got so caught up in the movie Independence Day.  I
 love you because you associated me with the chess playing, recycling,
 computer nerd hero of the movie.  I love you because as we left the
 movie theater and I mentioned there were no blondes in the movie, you
 made a fist and quickly drew your arm back and said `Yes-s-s-s-s-s.'
 I love you because when we got home, you wanted to spend time with
 me.  Thanks for a lovely evening.  I love you." 
 
#545, 25Aug96, Cigarettes in the Talon.
"I love you because you handle the cigarettes in the Talon so much
 better than I do.  Thank you for supporting me on a punishment for
 the infraction.  Melanie needs to recognize when she is being an
 `accessory to the fact' and in my discussion with her this morning
 she was repentant and in full agreement with the punishment.  She 
 is a good girl.  I'm sorry I don't do a good job of telling her how
 proud I am of her.

 I love you because you were supportive of my giving Paul a father's
 blessing before he left for school.  I felt good about it, and hope
 you did also.

 I love you because you were talking to Ric when I got back from
 taking Paul to school.  It was fun to see the excitement he was
 willing to share with us.  It was neat to hear the values he has
 accepted as his own.  I was particularly impressed with the discussion
 about marrying a family and not an individual.  I'm sorry if I
 embarrassed you by having him help me move stuff out of the car.  But
 I really do not believe Ric minded at all.  

 I love you because you shared your poetry with Cory Grua.  I love you
 because you were willing to edit that word I found offensive when you
 read the poem to me.  I thought we had a very good Home Teaching visit,
 and I appreciate what Cory did and how he kept me from talking about
 cigarettes in the Talon, and other things that need to be dealt with,
 but are not of eternal consequences, unless they are overreacted to.

 The bottom lines of this lovelet are thanks for being here, thanks for
 helping me keep within the limits of acceptable human behavior, thanks
 for supporting Paul, thanks for being such a friend to Ric, thanks for
 sharing with Cory and David, and I love you." 
 
#546, 26Aug96, Drive Our Girls To Seminary.
"I love you because you were willing to drive our girls to seminary.
 I am also willing to drive them, but I don't think either of them
 want anything to do with me, and so I felt it was better for you
 to drop them off on your way to work.  Thanks and I love you." 
 
#547, 27Aug96, Sara Skipped Seminary.
"I love you because of your reaction to learning that Sara skipped
 seminary by staying in the bathroom at the church because `Mom was
 crying on the way to the church.'  It hurt to hear her tell me, I
 can't believe you believed that I skipped seminary because I wasn't
 all dressed up.  I guess it is one more example of my being so busy
 being right that I don't build relationships with those I love the
 most.  Help me build relationships and I will strive to stop trying
 to always be right.  I love you." 
 
#548, 28Aug96, Repentant.
"I love you because you were so repentant when I got home at 9:00
 and asked why Robert hadn't been taken to scouts.  I understand
 you just forgot.  I appreciate how full your plate is with the
 school year just starting.  I hope you know, I know Rob will 
 recover and how much I love you." 
 
#549, 29Aug96, Four Corndogs.
"I love you because you did not have a harsh word to say in regards
 to my reaction to Rob eating four corndogs for a snack at 4:30 in
 the afternoon.  I especially appreciated your question after I told
 you he had responded to my saying `I understood why you are fat'
 with `I will be glad when Mom finally divorces you.'   Recognizing
 that there are so many undercurrents and issues and asking if we
 could get the entire family in for counseling seems like a very
 positive response.  Thank you.  I love you." 
 
#550, 30Aug96, Do You Want A Relationship Or To Be Right.
"I love you because you asked me to see if Dr. Aronson would see
 our whole family, specifically because you believe I trust him
 and would work with him.  He won't, because he feels `it is too
 hard to work with (coach) one member of a family, and not have
 others think that you are on their side.  And besides that' he
 said `you need someone on your side.'  He gave recommendations
 of family counselors.  But the phrase he hammered on with me was
 `Do you want a relationship or to be right.'  Of course, I want
 both.  However, if I must choose, I prefer to have a relationship
 and to leave right in God's hands.  Please remind me of this
 choice when I am caught up in needing to be right.  I love you." 
 
#551, 31Aug96, Progress Reports.
"I love you because you made plans to get all of your grading done
 for the progress reports on the next Thursday.  It is wonderful to
 see all of the positive effects that your teaching has in your life.
 It is neat to see you planning the upcoming sections, reading books
 to provide material for your classes, planning when you have to have
 the grading done, and generally organizing yourself and your life. 
 It is especially nice to see myself as part of that plan, and that
 you are concerned about how we can do this together or how we can
 do that, and still be able to meet the other commitments you have
 made.  For what it is worth, I give you an A+ on your own personal
 progress report.  I love you." 
 
#552, 01Sep96, Paul to SHSU.
"I love you because you followed through on your plan to take Paul
 to SHSU.  I am sorry that I reacted so strongly to your change of
 thoughts.  I felt like I was being made the bad guy by your
 saying, `Well, I'll take you, if your Dad doesn't want to.'  I really,
 truly, honestly did not mind taking him.  I heard what you said the
 day before, felt a duplicity, and didn't know how to express my   
 concerns.  Then after I tried, and found I was being made the selfish
 bad guy because you have so much work to do and I don't want to help
 my son, I didn't know what to do and how to react.  I appreciate your
 just taking Paul, but I wish it could have all been smoother.  I'm
 sorry if my words and my reactions hurt you, because I do love you." 
 
#553, 02Sep96, Team USA vs The World.
"I love you because you decided to go with Melanie, Sara, and me to
 the gymnastics meet: Team USA vs The World.  It might have been 
 rigged.  I'm sorry we forgot the binoculars.  I'm glad I brought
 SunStone, and was really touched by our reaction to the articles 
 about Lowell Bennion.  It hurt that my daughters didn't say three
 words to me all night.  That you sat between me and them.  That 
 we can't seem to have an ongoing conversation in the car on the
 way there or back.  That I feel treated like such a bad guy, simply
 because I have standards and beliefs and stick to them.  I'm sorry
 I do not do it with more finesse.  Please see the good sides of my
 consistency, doggedness, and determination.  Please help me break
 down the barriers in our family.  I need you and I love you." 
 
#554, 03Sep96, Pizza.
"I love you because of the look on your face and the warmth in your
 voice as you said `Can I order Pizza for dinner for tonight, because
 I have so much to do.'  It was neat that you volunteered to fix
 dinner at devotional.  It was neat that you followed up on that 
 commitment.  Thanks and I love you." 
 
#555, 04Sep96, Young Women's Dad's Night.
"I love you because you handled the my reaction to the ongoing rejection
 I feel from my daughters so well.  Hopefully someday I will be able
 to look back and understand what happened regarding Young Women's Dad's
 Night, and the fact that I was allowed to share an evening with my
 daughters and my friends and their daughters at church.  I know do I
 feel completely overwhelmed at times.  Wednesday night was one of these
 times.  I realize, in my mind, Sara was tired.  I realize, in my mind,
 Melanie had no malicious intent with her dance practice for members
 of the football team.  All I can see and feel in my heart is where my
 kids that do not honor their parents (me) or their leaders, where they
 do not put first things first, and where they act in ways I would 
 never have considered in the realm of feasibility when I was their age.  
 There is no excuse for me loosing control, and for letting my basal
 instincts take control, and for attempting to physically shake you
 into seeing how much the events of the evening hurt.  This was the
 first time, and I will do everything in my power to make it the only
 time, in our married life this has happened.  All I want is for those
 I love and have sacrificed so much for to think long-term about their
 choices.  If this would happen, most choices I have issue with would
 never be made.  But then, I am so weak, my angry reactions are so short
 term, and are undoubtedly the worst teaching method possible.  Hopefully
 you will be able to forgive me.  Thank you for your calm and wise
 response.  I am trying my hardest to hear you when your responses are
 so well reasoned.  You said you know I did not mean to scare you.
 Hopefully you know I'm trying and hopefully you also know how much
 I love you." 
 
#556, 05Sep96, Twenty-Three Roses.
"I love you because you stopped before leaving for work and said
 `Please, let's not start today off feeling like this.'  Thanks for
 listening to me.  I'm sorry I don't believe you hear my own words,
 and that I felt it necessary to go back to Emerson's words written
 in 1837.  It was a tremendous help for me to have had the brief
 conversation with you.  I felt like you cared, and it means a lot
 to me to have those kind of feelings after the feelings of despair
 of the night before.  I cried some on the way to BHP where my
 consulting job was located.  But I really got along pretty good
 compared to how devastated similar encounters have made me feel in
 the past.  Part of it was I was very busy.  Working for Offshore
 Resources from 7:00 to 1:15, meeting with Amoco from 2:00-3:00,
 staff meeting from 4:00-5:30, running to the store to buy you
 twenty-three roses for a wedding anniversary present, coming back
 to sign checks for Rhonda to cover ongoing bills, cooking dinner,
 and then kind of collapsing and watching `Aladdin and The Prince
 of Thieves' with you and Rob.  By the way, there was no specific
 meaning behind 22 red and 1 yellow rose.  Thought since you like
 yellow, you might see this past year as the yellow year of our
 marriage, and have hope future years would be as good or better. 
 I know I certainly feel this past year was several orders of
 magnitude better than the previous year, despite the revelations
 and resulting problems we have had.  I guess the bottom line is
 I love you." 
 
#557, 06Sep96, The Spitfire Grill.
"I love you because you were so touched by the movie The Spitfire
 Grill.  Your reactions were deeply moving.  I also felt like I
 lost a friend.  As you said, there is redemption.  There is hope
 for all of us.  Despite our problems, our hang-ups, our failures,
 our weaknesses, and all of our mistakes there is hope, redemption,
 for each of us.  Thank you for going to the movie with me.  Thank
 you for letting me feel like I got to know you a little bit better,
 understanding your relationship with your Dad a little better,
 understanding your need to protect yourself a little bit better,
 and understanding your distrust of others a little bit better. 
 Thanks for opening the curtain hiding your hurt and fears a little
 bit.  I don't say the words well when I am deeply touched.  I was,
 and I love you." 
 
#558, 07Sep96, The Home Beautiful Show.
"I love you because you wanted to go to The Home Beautiful Show
 with me.  It was really neat to have discussions about the 
 possibility of building a house on our lot in Cedar City.  Your
 insights are often mindblowing: `Why build a place to escape from
 or to escape to.  Why not just build one place you want to be.' 
 My answer is sometimes I want to be with people and in town, and
 sometimes I want to be alone with nature to think and meditate.

 I did take some notes, and those notes will be compiled for when 
 we are ready to go to Ray Gardner and have some house plans drawn 
 up.  I am not planning moving or anything like that until Sara is
 out of High School, possibly the summer of 1999.  However, if
 some of my big financial plans happen, it might be nice to spend
 the summers of 1998 and 1999 building the house with Rob.

 Even if nothing ever comes of it, it is fun to think, to plan, and 
 to dream.  When we do these things it seems to me we see a little
 bit clearer.  Sort of the way you could see a little bit clearer
 as you read all of the signs to me on our way home from picking
 up your glasses.  I'm sorry your eyes are not as perfect as I see
 most of the rest of you being.  The scriptures speak truth that
 when we see our weaknesses we are made strong. 

 It was really fun to watch you picking out your glasses frames. 
 You are so cute when you're so vain you probably think this song
 is about you.  I don't understand what you are afraid will happen
 if you do not look perfect in public.  I guess it is the same thing
 I am afraid of if my friends at church knew how much my daughters
 disdain me.  There certainly is a lot to think and meditate about.

 Thanks for being with me, for stimulating me with things like our
 field trip to The George Brown Convention Center, for getting me to
 refine my plans in to match your needs, for helping me see my
 weaknesses, for figuring out together what we are afraid of, and
 for letting me tell you how much I love you." 
 
#559, 08Sep96, Period.
"I love you because you kissed me.  Period.  I'm glad your body
 was happy and hope to help you to be happy.  I love you." 
 
#560, 09Sep96, Melanie Not Coming Home.
"I love you because you kept things in perspective with Melanie
 not coming home from school until 9:20 PM.  I love you." 
 
#561, 10Sep96, Melanie's Excuse.
"I love you because you trust Melanie and did not hesitate a moment
 in regards to writing her an excuse for sleeping through classes and
 deciding not to go to school.  It hurts that she wouldn't talk to
 me, but I'm trying to understand what you say about why she wouldn't
 want to come to me.  Thanks for being there for her.  I love you." 
 
#562, 11Sep96, Melanie Not Coming Home Revisited.
"I love you because you trust Melanie and do not have any doubts
 about how she is spending her time when she doesn't call or show
 up at the house until 10:00 PM.  It was nice she called you at
 7:00 PM and said she fell asleep at Jackyln's.  It hurts that
 she made no effort to go to Young Women's.  The signs of someone
 avoiding home, avoiding parents, and avoiding church members tells
 me there is something seriously wrong.  It could be as simple as
 what she talked to you at Girl's Camp about.  It could be as
 complicated as some of my fears.  Either way, there is a problem.
 I'm glad you trust her.  She needs that whatever is going on.  I
 wish I hadn't burned the bridges (knowingly or unknowingly) and
 that she could talk to me.  I am very worried about her.  Thanks
 again for being her Mom and for trusting her.  I love you." 
 
#563, 12Sep96, Care.
"I love you because you care and you are trying.  I do not know how
 to react to the circumstances that I saw.  To reiterate, the lawn
 was mowed about 2:00 and they blew all of the grass off of the driveway
 and thus would have blown any cellophane cigarette wrappers away.  
 Melanie drove into the driveway at about 3:00 and Sara ran in the
 house, ran upstairs, and ran back outside without saying a word.  I
 heard her go down the stairs and got up to say hi, but as I went
 in the music room looked out the window I saw Melanie driving off.
 I believe Loren was in the car with her.  Since I was up, I went out
 and got the mail.  There was a bag of lawn clippings on the curb on
 the north side of the driveway, so I walked over to pick it up and
 put it up where the trash goes.  There was no wind.  There, was a
 Winston cellophane cigarette wrapper in the driveway, where the
 driver (Melanie) was when she pulled into the driveway.  

 My rule, hopefully well understood after her loosing access to the car
 for a week, is that there are no cigarettes in my cars.  At best it was
 Loren.  At worst it is part of what is going on in Melanie's life right
 now.  If it is her period and cramps and she is having this much trouble
 at age 17 she should be taken to a doctor and steps taken to balance
 the problems chemically.  I don't know what to do.  I know something is
 wrong.  I know I don't handle stuff like this with the finesse that is
 needed.  I am worried.  I am scared.  Not only for my reputation, but
 mostly for the lasting impact of stupid high school decisions on the
 life of my daughter whom I love very much. 

 I believe you care.  But you seem so ambivalent sometimes, it is hard
 for me to understand if you are willing to make a stand, to understand
 what your standards are, and to know if you are expressing any concern
 to Melanie.

 I realize I was hurt by the e-mail from David.  I realize I tend to 
 see lots of other things as black when something else hurts.  Since I
 brought it up in conversation, I will repeat what David wrote that
 hurt me so you have all of the data I have:
 >You say:
 >>  (1) I feel emasculated by not being able to contribute myself in 
 >>      order to meet my wife's desires.  It is impossible for me in 
 >>      good conscience to ask someone else to do something I am 
 >>      unable to do, for whatever reason.
 >You tip your hand, Roice, when you say "for whatever reason."
 >You are a man for whom reasons matter very much. I can
 >understand your embarassment at having to defer your
 >contribution but your pledge still stands and any embarassment
 >should be minimal. You have, indeed, made your contribution and,
 >if I had to, I would go to the bank and borrow on the strength
 >of it. Your feeling of emasculation clearly has its source
 >elswhere -- perhaps from your wife's refusal to comply with your
 >wishes. Apparently, her refusal coming in the process of your
 >galantly bestowing a gift upon her added insult to your injury.

 I'm not sure what he meant by the last sentence, but I expect you
 can see why I reacted to both to sending my original e-mail on Tuesday
 and his response about the same time I came in from picking up the
 cigarette wrapper. There is no question about my emotional hair-
 trigger.  I apologize for and I am sorry I have this weakness.

 In working up the lovelets for this week, I see a theme, a concern,
 a fear, a problem I don't know how to solve in regards to Melanie
 that dwarf's having my pride hurt from Jerusalem.  I hope that by
 writing this out it makes sense as to how much I care and how worried
 I am about what is going on and what is missing.  Please believe me
 when I say and when I write I love you." 
 
#564, 13Sep96, Argument.
"I love you because you were so articulate when we had the argument
 this morning.  I have been afraid to have arguments like this, and
 have done my best to avoid them.  Afraid because of how much my
 parents arguing and screaming hurt me as a child.  Afraid I would
 create those same kind of scars in our children (and I have without
 the arguments).  For what it is worth, Rob had gone back to sleep
 and didn't hear a word.  He was in a really good mood as he left
 for school.  I truly am sorry you were not.  I'm glad you had the
 30 minute drive to hopefully calm down and to get ready for your
 day.  I hope the argument did not ruin your day.

 In attempting to find something positive to say about the argument
 I have had a lot of different thoughts.  Three phases of thought:

 First, and typically the only thoughts I have after something like
 this happens, was the words I wish I was quick enough to think of
 during the heat of battle.  Typically it is two or three days after
 the event before I am able to wrap words around my reaction to
 things that have been said.  However, I figure any of these responses
 are just dredging up issues that are better left to settle in the
 muck of life's settling pond.  I stir this muck too much as it is.

 Second, I felt like I was able to respond fairly well to your
 acquisitions this time.  Usually you go so fast and I am so concerned
 someone will hear us, I just back off and become the whipping boy.
 There is no doubt about the fact that I am hard on myself and hard on
 those I love.  There is no question about the fact I need to change
 my behavior more than I have been able to date, or I will loose
 that which means the most to me, namely you and my kids.  There is no
 question about the fact that I protect myself by attacking.  For this
 I am sorry.  It is not a conscious attempt to hurt.  There is no
 question that I see the world too globally, and become blinded by the 
 accumulation of concerns, like those about Melanie all week.  There is
 no question about the fact that Sara's reaction to me this morning
 just pulls the emotional hair-trigger that is set to go off.  I am
 sorry.  I care.  I am trying.

 Third, I noticed a pattern.  I doubt that you will see it as a pattern,
 and I doubt that I will be able to put it into words that make any
 sense.  But I will try, because it was one of those insights that made
 several things crystal clear in my mind.  You expect me to be
 unpredictable, and I believe you subconsciously encourage that
 unpredictability.  Your Dad was unpredictable because of his drinking. 
 In some way, my weaknesses have been channeled in our family to play
 out the fears your Dad's unpredictability have had on you.  In many
 ways, I believe we play each other like violins with arms.  Or maybe
 resonating pipes is a better analogy, where one pipe starts to 
 vibrate and that pipe causes the other pipe to vibrate.

 When I respond and don't just take your abuse of me (to use a phrase
 you use better and I'm sure feel more justifiably than any right I may
 have to use it) you start responding by logically pointing out the
 weaknesses and hypocrisy of my position.  There is no question, but
 that you have a basis for some of if not most of these comments.  If
 I semi-logically point out how your logical response is exactly
 parallel to what I am trying to say the first time, you give up.  You
 quit.  You say, `Do you just want to call this whole thing off?'  
 By this you mean our marriage.  Or you leave physically, like you did
 this morning (this morning, partly I'm sure, because you were going to
 be late for work and didn't want to be any more upset than you were).
 
 I got a feel for how you must feel when I am completely off the mark
 with your reaction to my comment about: how we have all of these
 wonderful musical instruments and do not sing as a family or share
 talents as a family.  My comment had nothing to do with your
 Grandmother's back lawn, other than that was a holographic snippet of
 the on-going conflict between my expectations and your willingness to
 make any effort to meet my expectations to any degree.  But how can
 I complain, you expect me to be kind, loving, and forgiving.  There is
 no question about it, I do not meet your expectations.  I try.  I try
 to do the right things for the right reasons.  I often feel like I am
 the only one trying.  I believe I have good reason for feeling that
 way.  But why should you meet my expectations if I don't (or can't yet)
 meet your expectations.

 One point that really surprised me about our argument, was your reaction
 to my stating that I question my religion.  It is a fact.  It is why
 I have sought out Indian Shamen, Shinto priests, Buddist teachers,
 Jewish rabbis, pastors and leaders of various Christian religions,
 Shite Mutaffa, Indian medicine men, the spiritual aspects of things
 like Project Mind, Henry Thoreau, and on and on and on.  I have read
 the anti-Joseph Smith books we have in our library.  I have read the
 Gnostic Christian books claiming Jesus was a twin.  I studied with
 relish the book that convinced Bill Prince the church is not true. 
 I seek out people like Ander's Saustraup, David Devor, Bill Bavinger,
 and Carloyn Sumners because I am testing my faith, looking to see if
 there is anything better, trying to find out where the Dean Belnaps
 are and where the Lowell Bennions are.  My religion has stood this
 on-going test without a flinch.  I flinch.  But the restored Gospel
 of Jesus Christ is more perfect than ever in my eyes.  I am weak.  But
 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints provides the best road
 I have been able to find that anyone could follow to have a full and
 fulfilled life.  It hurts when I see I fall into sideroads.

 Another thought was your reaction to Lowell Bennions words that I read
 and spoke to you.  If I were to say the same words as he wrote about
 watching TV movies on the Sabbath, drinking coke, or spending
 inordinate amounts of time worried about inconsequential things like
 hair, I am judgmental, mean-spirited, domineering, and abusive.
 Yet when I told you about how he refused to let his wife drive or have
 a job outside of the house, your compassionate response was, `Well
 remember Roice, he is of a different generation.'  I am also of a
 different generation.  Where is your compassion for me?

 For what it is worth, I do not intend to ever give up.  I do not
 intend to ever stop trying.  When I am rejected on Monday, because
 it seems you feel I tricked you into something on Sunday, when my
 daughter refuses to come home every Sunday after church and gives
 all of the signs of serious problems she has given this week, when
 I over-react and need to be forgiven, when you over-react and need
 to be forgiven, when I will feel like quitting myself by checking out
 of life, I will not quit.  I will endure.  I will continue to love
 you.  I will continue to try.  I will retain my whatever shreds of
 integrity I have left.  To me love is a commitment.  I committed to
 love, honor, and serve in good times and in bad until we are together
 in the eternities.  If we never make it to the goal, I will be better
 for having made the effort.  I will make a lot of mistakes.  Please
 realize I am human.  Please realize I know how human and how weak
 I am.  Please realize I will continue to make the effort to reach the
 goal as long as I am alive.  Please realize I will make this effort
 and continue to endure not only because it is in my nature, but
 mostly because I love you." 
 
#565, 14Sep96, Night Out With The Girls.
"I love you because you got so dressed up and looked so nice for
 your night out with the girls.  I enjoyed the kiss.  I didn't see 
 it as a tease, and liked to hear you were responding.    I don't
 understand what  `girl stuff' you and Karen needed to stay in the
 car for over an hour to talk about.  My reaction is you must not
 want to be overheard.  I did not mind taking Joe home, nor did I
 mind going to the grocery store.  I realize I buy stuff that you
 and Rob wouldn't, but hopefully you appreciated not having to go.
 I love you." 
 
#566, 15Sep96, Sacrament Meeting.
"I love you because you continue to go to Sacrament Meeting, even
 though you have decided you are `not a member of the church' and
 refuse to take the sacrament (both of which are beyond my
 comprehension).  You talk about how the Savior showed love, and
 yet you refuse to remember Him and acknowledge (1) His love for
 you, (2) the fact that He has forgiven any trespasses you may
 have made, and (3) that He promised by remembering Him through
 the sacrament His spirit will always be with you.  I would really
 like to talk about this specific topic at some time when you are
 willing and in the mood.  I care and I am concerned about the 
 impact your choices are having on you and on our children.  I
 want to help, but feel I need to stay out of the way.  I am
 writing about my concerns because I love our children, I want
 to be an eternal family, and mostly because I love you." 
 
#96.38, Decide.
"Today I wrote my 566th daily `Lovelet' e-mail to your Mom.  On the
 28th of February 1995 I decided to emulate a daily radio program
 in Houston called `The Engines of Our Ingenuity' and send your Mom
 an e-mail each day telling her why I love her.  Some days have been
 easier than others, but it is true the love was and will be always
 there. 

 While I was at Rob's league bowling yesterday I got thinking about
 Paul having just left for school, and Melanie being a senior, and
 specifically about how little communication there is sometimes with
 Roice and Ben.  I decided a long time ago my family is the most
 important material entity in my life.  In some ways I have looked
 beyond the mark and tried too hard to ensure we will be an eternal
 family.  I apologize for those times I have taken away your free
 agency because `I knew what was the right thing to do.'  In some
 ways starting a new weekly cycle of forced remembrance is doing
 the same kind of thing I have been guilty of in the past.  However,
 you each have the freedom to say, Dad, please take me off of your
 mailing list.  Even if you do that, I have the contentment of
 knowing I am reaching out, I am making my thoughts and concerns
 and experience available to you, and I am actively involved in
 doing good.  I have seen tremendous benefits from my efforts to
 tell Mom how much I love her.  Hopefully, as with all good
 communication, I have learned to listen a little better as well
 as write my thoughts, and hopefully that will be the case with
 each of you also.  I start this process with no specific
 expectations, only a hope that something I write one of the
 upcoming weeks and years will prove to be of benefit to each of
 you at sometime in your life.

 At the bowling alley I got caught up on some of my magazine reading.
 This included a Church News that quoted from a 1976 conference talk
 by President Spencer W. Kimball.  He said `Indecision and
 discouragement are climates in which the adversary lives to function,
 for he can inflict so many casualties among mankind in those
 settings.  Decide to decide!  I have mentioned at this pulpit before,
 some determinations made early in my life, which decisions were such
 a help to me because I did not have to remake those decisions
 perpetually.  We can push some things away from us once and have
 done with them!  We can make a single decision about certain things
 that we will incorporate in our lives and then make them ours -
 without having to brood and redecide a hundred times what is it we
 will do and what we will not do.'  His words resonated because
 Bishop Daniels used this same theme in his first talk.  He said
 `I decided I wanted to get married in the temple for time and
 eternity, and that meant I wouldn't do things that make that
 impossible.'  Putting it in mathematical terms for our college
 students, we need to decide what the first and second terms in the
 Fourier series of our life are, decide, and then not redecide.  Rob,
 this means that we figure out what is the most important thing in
 life to us, and then make decisions so that we keep that thing part
 of our life.

 We have a new pool table.  It is fun.  However, it is not even in
 the same category as your Mom, relative as to what is important to
 me.  I knew family would be important in my life, and too often,
 because I have enjoyed my work so much, or have been concerned
 about a stereoscope or other inconsequential physical possession,
 have pushed family needs aside.  However, I do know what is
 important and so I have decided to share with those of you who
 are interested thoughtlets about things important to me." 
 
#567, 16Sep96, Toss Training.
"I love you because you are being so diligent about that you are
 asked to do at work, namely Toss Training, even though you don't
 agree with it, don't feel it is worthwhile, and feel that the
 whole process has been blown out of proportion.  There are a lot
 of the parts of our life that are like that and just need to be 
 slogged through.  Hopefully we can find some benefits and make
 things work as well as is reasonable in our sphere of influence.
 Thank you for being a good teacher and for caring.  I love you." 
 
#568, 17Sep96, Quit Complaining.
"I love you because you told me to quit complaining about how the
 kids treat me as well as about dinners and dishes.  You also made
 it known that you do not appreciate, when you are working hard and
 late, having me tell you how much harder and longer I work.  I'm
 sorry I am so insensitive sometimes.  It was wonderful how you
 left the house in a huff, then how you came back into the house,
 walked over to me, gave me a kiss, and said `Thank you for the
 well wishes.'  Even though neither of us are perfect, there are
 times when I really feel like there is a beautiful future for us.
 I love you." 
 
#569, 18Sep96, White Essay.
"I love you because you were so cute in your reaction to those parts
 of my White Essay on Virtual Seminars that you read.  You seemed so
 surprised that my writing about Mentors, Media, and Learners was so
 close to the material you are taught as a teacher.  I expect there
 are a lot of different things and interests like this that we have
 very much in common.  I hope we can uncover them and find ways to
 do something related to them together.  I figure this will be a way
 for you to see how to reciprocate the fact I love you." 
 
#570, 19Sep96, Missionary Splits.
"I love you because you were so transparently upset that I was going
 to be gone for the evening.  Maybe a better word is disappointed.
 You partly were reacting to the words `missionary splits.'  You were
 largely reacting to the fact I have been gone almost every Thursday
 evening since you got back from your summer school at a staff meeting
 for Virtual Seminars' efforts.  I am sorry it is not always possible
 to be at home.  It makes me feel really good to sense I am wanted to
 be around.  There have been so many times when family members just
 seemed to wish I was on the other side of the moon.  I am trying to
 be around more and to do a better job.  I hope you feel I am being a
 better father and a better husband.  My motivation is simply the
 fact I love you." 
 
#571, 20Sep96, Project Dumbo.
"I love you because you went out to dinner at Landry's with me and
 then you watched Project Dumbo with me and Rob.  Your tastes are
 becoming more sophisticated as you grow older.  It was obvious you
 were more interested in rewatching `Sense and Sensibility' or a
 movie like that rather than watch a Walt Disney movie about a
 flying elephant in the Viet Nam war.  It was fun to watch the
 kid in you get into the movie.  Thanks. I love you." 
 
#572, 21Sep96, Rob's Day Out.
"I love you because you were so excited about Rob's day out.  I did
 have the negative thought that you wanted the time for yourself.  
 But it quickly passed and I realized you are very pleased to see
 Rob involved in things with me. 

 We had fun in the plane with Frank Huber and his son Adam.  Rob
 and Adam loved the zero-gravity parabolic runs that the plane made. 
 I liked looking at the city from the sky and thinking about how
 much better we could handle so many things with a proper
 information model.  We circled the house a half a dozen times, but
 we were pretty high up.  It is a neat perspective from the air.

 Bowling is hard for me.  Rob is so unfocused, it hurts me to watch
 him attack his own self-esteem.  When I refused to buy him french
 fries until he bowled over 100, he scored over 120.  The other two
 games he was in the 70's.  His three older girl team mates were
 very supportive, but at least once one was very upset how his 
 messing around was going to keep their team from winning anything.
 Rob could really use some training and guidance on form and style.
 You might want to attend one of his meets sometime.  I have used
 the time to catch up on mail, read magazines, and be there.

 Stephen Jones' Eagle Project did not turn out like I hoped it 
 would.  Rob, like Roice and Ben before him, is so worried about
 how people are going to treat and tease him if they see him in
 a scout shirt.  I am trying to take that into consideration, but
 at the same time teach that we should never be ashamed of our
 beliefs or of that which is wholesome and uplifting.

 In many ways, the day was too much for Rob.  He was wired tight as
 a fiddle in the evening.  Hopefully it was worthwhile.  I too am
 soooo worried about how he is doing.  Just as I worry that you 
 don't yet seem to know yet how much I love you." 
 
#573, 22Sep96, Care About What I Think.
"I love you because you care about what I think.  It was obvious
 as I got home from church and you were eating a tomato on bagel
 as the kids got their own lunch that you expected me to say what
 I thought about what was going on.  I realize it was hard to talk
 to me about lying and sneaking.  I hear you loud and clear that
 I am a hard man.  I realize my standards are not the standards
 of the world.  I recognize that I don't live up to my standards,
 and so how can I expect others to do so.  I believe that it is a
 fact that you and the kids do not believe it will ever be possible
 to meet Dad's expectations and therefore it is ok to give up. It
 seems like such a dilemma for me.  And yet I know in my heart that
 as the rain falls and as the wind blows my responsibility is to
 hold onto the iron rod, and to the best of my ability to hold on
 to each member of my family.  Thank you for putting up with my
 five questions.  I want to trust you, and after much contemplation
 it seemed this was a logical approach.  Afterwards I simply felt
 ashamed that I do not trust and believe you.  I do not believe
 divorce is a viable option.  I believe I make myself unhappy.
 But whether you can accept these facts or not, I do love you." 
 
#96.39, Connections.
"Thanks for the nice thoughts and comments about my first thoughtlet.
 Nobody has asked to be deleted from the list yet, nor has anyone
 passed on someone else in the extended Nelson or Hafen family that
 should be added.  I know there are others whose e-mail addresses I
 don't have or have misplaced, and would appreciate hearing from you
 if you think they might be interested in this project.

 It amazed me to wake up Monday morning to a nice long message from
 Aunt Luana describing some of her missionary experiences in Pakistan.
 She even included her own thoughtlet: `I expect that you and I will
 continue--ruling the world---perhaps laughing a little at ourselves
 as we do it.'  Then on Tuesday I got the longest run-on paragraph Paul
 has written me in his life.  It included: `I have been reading my
 scriptures everyday which is a rather new experience for me.  I am
 learning sooooo much.  My institute class is great as well.'  My
 sister and I have talked more the last few weeks than we have the last
 few years thanks to e-mail's power to melt time and distance.  Then I
 discovered my nephew, Brian, has his own home page: `http://www.cpsc.
 suu.edu/users/penny/brian.html' and I was pleased, later in the week,
 to read `Brian's glad someone has found his web page.'

 Sometimes we all need to be noticed.  It is so easy to get caught up
 in the swirl of day-to-day overcommitments we forget our roots and
 our destiny.  I'm old enough and have done enough I'm not so interested
 in being noticed.  But I am deeply interested in noticing, sharing,
 helping, serving, and making connections.  It might seem impersonal,
 egotistical, and in some way negative for me to set out to broadcast a
 thoughtlet to my kids and copy my extended family each week.  I'm sorry
 if it comes across that way.  I hope that time will demonstrate some
 value in this project and specifically will show my sincerity and
 intent.  I hope to write 480 of these thoughtlets, and realize that I
 am already 0.4% of the way there.  I hope the connections opened and
 kept open through this effort will be like the capillary osmosis that
 keeps a mesquite tree alive in the desert, and will grow into eternal
 family bonds providing a mechanism for help when needed in this life
 and for enhancing family memories to ease our transition into the next
 phase of our existence." 
 
#574, 23Sep96, Are You Upset?
"I love you because you asked me `Are you upset about what I said
 to you last night?'  It was fun to watch your response to my 
 statement that I don't believe you when you say you do not love
 me.  A year and a half ago your body language was different than
 it is now.  If you would have said this to me then, I might have
 believed you.  However, your effort to stay, your physically
 intimate  relationship with me, your efforts to improve yourself
 through teaching and pulling yourself out of depression, and your 
 reaction to me as I said these things (`Don't stop now, you are
 doing really good!') all tell me that even if you don't love me,
 you do care about me and there is a very good probability you
 will be able to, sometime in the near future, repeat my words to
 you with the same meaning I try to convey, namely I love you." 
 
#575, 24Sep96, Do You Like It?
"I love you because you asked me this morning `Do you like it?' And
 then after my positive response you said, `Good, I need to know that.'
 I realize mornings are not your favorite time of the day.  Thank you
 for telling me, in your own nonverbal way, you love me.  I love you." 
 
#576, 25Sep96, Richard Rodriquez.
"I love you because you invited me to go to the Museum of Fine Arts
 with you and listen to Richard Rodriquez.  I was impressed with his
 articulate statements and concepts and appalled by his flaunting of
 homosexuality.  I hope that all of the writers are not perverse.
 At the same time, I recognize there is much to learn from all, and
 there were certainly good things to be learned from his talk.  What
 is our culture?  How do we keep or how do we loose our culture?  
 I agree that assimilation happens.  My concern is that we also tend
 to assimilate bad with good, and the bad can literally kill us.  So
 how do we protect our lives and the lives of those we love from the
 philosophies of men and the ways of the world, while still allowing
 them to be in the world, to their enjoyment, growth, and understanding?
 I guess we can just teach truth, as best we know it, and let our loved
 ones make their own choices.  Specifically we can tell them, as I
 regularly tell you, I love you." 
 
#577, 26Sep96, Enron.
"I love you because you do not question me directly about how I
 spend my time.  Today we finally had a senior group of managers
 from a reasonably sized oil company in the CAVE.  There were 18
 executives from Enron that spent the entire day at the VETL.  The
 culmination of the day was to take them through the CAVE and describe
 our vision of the technology.  It was really fun to see the excitement
 and sense the awe as these folks thought about how they could apply
 the technology.  Best of all, one of the key Vice-Presidents, Horace
 Snyder in charge of International, identified a specific political
 application for using the CAVE, namely to give demonstrations to 
 visiting government representatives from India.  I realize that the
 last few years have been very hard for you, but thanks for believing
 in me as much as you have been able to.  I realize we are going
 through an incredibly long sales cycle, but I believe the upside is
 worth the risk and the wait.  Please continue to be patient with
 me and please know how much I love you." 
 
#578, 27Sep96, Merril Littlewood.
"I love you because you were so positive about the letter Merril
 Littlewood sent me.  I received the letter on Friday afternoon,
 after I had a lunch meeting with Merril and Leon Wells about an
 oil and gas prospect in Wharton County that we have been considering
 pursuing.  It is really nice to have individuals who truly care
 about me and want to do anything they can to help me be successful.
 I left the luncheon with feelings of hope, respect, and admiration.
 Then I went to the Post Office and there was the letter from Merril
 encouraging me to love Roice and to spend time doing things with him.
 I hope in some ways I am able to express this same kind of love and
 concern to and for those I interact with.   Specifically I hope you
 will accept the fact I love you." 
 
#579, 28Sep96, Price.
"I love you because you were so cute when you were called on your
 statement regarding me doing something for the standard price, and
 what you said that standard price was.  I hope you will not treat
 or consider yourself as being available for something you don't want
 for any price.  And I hope that I am never seriously considered a
 buyer.  I need you, I want you, but I will not buy you.  You are too
 valuable for that.  And besides that, how can I buy when I love you." 
 
#580, 29Sep96, Good Woman.
"I love you because you had tears in your eyes when I acknowledged
 that you are a good woman.  I'm sorry I haven't said those words
 before, because I have certainly have thought them.  Thank you for
 sticking up for Rob and helping me to see his point of view.  I
 hope you will believe me when I say I know what a good woman you
 are and when I tell you how much I love you." 
 
#96.40, Reputation.
"It was nice to hear from cousin Chuck, on the Hafen side, and
 Uncle Lloyd, on the Nelson side, both related by marriage.  Kind of
 interesting that other than Paul's note, you kids have not yet
 reacted to Dad's latest project.  I will assume busy times at the
 first of a new school year, and not take `no comment' as a rejection.
 There is also the simple fact that the three kids at home don't know
 how to read and respond to their e-mail yet.  They soon will.

 I was very touched by Uncle Lloyd's comments, as I often have been
 when we have had the opportunity to talk.  Then I got thinking about
 how his message arrived in my e-mail box.  It was sent to from
 Pakistan to Roice in Austin at rnelson3@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu, who
 forwarded it with the words: `I don't know if Lloyd was sending me
 a copy of this or trying to write you with the wrong address.
 Better safe than sorry, though...'  The email name mixup reminded
 me of a little experience in 1979 which has had a tremendous impact
 on me.

 I was working for Mobil Oil in Field Operations and they sent me to
 Cedar City to check the acquisition quality control on a seismic
 crew that was being run out of the old Coke-a-Cola bottling building
 on main street.  It was in the spring and I had made several trips
 from Dallas to work with this crew, always staying out at the farm
 with my Mom and Dad.  I had complained to Dad about how cold it was
 running a seismic line through the mountains south of the Parowan
 Gap that winter.  He said I was just getting soft and my blood had
 thinned out after years in Texas.  The bear tracks and the snow, the
 cold and my first reading earlier in the winter reading of Bengt
 Nelson, Jr.'s history about living his first married winter in a
 dugout by Iron Springs had laid the mental groundwork for the spring
 day I am writing about.

 We had shot the seismic line across the mountains to the east, and
 were going through the fields between Summit and Parowan.  I was
 working with the drillers, and we were quite a bit ahead of the
 shooters.  We used backpack drills to drill about 5 foot holes,
 dropped about a quarter of a pound of dynamite down these holes as
 the seismic source, and set up the wires so that it could be fired
 at the appropriate time.  We were quite a distance ahead of the
 rest of the crew and so I was walking back to see what was happening
 when I met a farmer out irrigating.  I stopped to talk for a few
 minutes.

 He asked my name.  I said `Roice Nelson.'  I remember he was
 physically moved by hearing the words.  He said, `Are you related to
 the Roice Nelson I know?'  I explained he was my Grandpa, but that I
 had never met him because he had died in the farm accident before I
 was born.  His response was something like `You will be quite a
 person if you are half the man your Grandfather was!'  He asked what
 we were doing, and then based on the fact that I was now recognized
 as family, started to tell me the most intimate details of his life.
 During that half-hour I learned how he had dedicated his life to
 keeping as much of the land as possible together for the day when
 the saints would need it to move back to Zion and have a new home
 in preparation for the millennium.  More important than the land was
 the water necessary to allow all of the saints Brigham Young had
 prophesied would move into the area between Cedar and Parowan to
 do so. 

 He talked about a dream, where he saw his Great-Grandson, the son
 of the young man who had dropped him off and who had just returned
 from a mission, taking people on a tour of all of the new homes
 being built up against the mountain climbing out of the valley until
 it is cut off by Fiddler's Canyon.  He said the homes in his dream
 were different than anything he had ever seen before.  Today I would
 describe them as what Mic Patterson of Advanced Structures calls
 `a prefabricated kit-of-parts,' designed for a very quick assembly. 
 He told me someone on the tour asked his Great-Grandson if the
 millennium had started yet, and was told `No, but we expect it any
 time and as you can see we are very busy preparing for it.'  My
 mind was racing because of all of the time and thought and money
 Ray Gardner and I had put into what Ray called `The Intelligent
 Habitat Project,' and what I called `Designing 3-D Intelligent Cities.'

 I don't remember his name.  I doubt if he is still alive.  There
 was no questioning the sincerity of his words, the impact Roice
 Bengt Nelson had played in his life and in the life of so many
 people of his generation, and the fact he wanted me to know I have
 a very big name to live up to.  After our conversation, as I walked
 over to the doghouse (Seismic Recording Truck), the importance of
 Grandpa's reputation and of me living up to the name I had been
 given was overwhelming.  I thought of a recent priesthood lessons
 where I had taught my class about a Grandfather coming back in a
 dream to one of the prophets when he was still in his youth, saying
 `What have you done with my name?', and the joy of this young man
 in being able to honestly respond `Nothing you would be ashamed of!' 
 I set this as a goal on that day.

 I now realize, 17 years later, I haven't done as good of a job as I
 intended or expected.  It is easy to rationalize, having heard
 stories by Grandpa's children about how being late from a lesson he
 left them on standing on a corner on Main Street and they almost
 froze to death.  He was a hard man.  He did have a wonderful
 reputation for integrity and hard work.  A couple of years ago,
 when we closed on the lot on Leigh Hill, the Real Estate Agent kept
 talking about how many times he had come across the name Roice Nelson
 on old records.  When we went to church in the Cedar ward where the
 lot is, there were older people that said with similar reverence
 `Oh you  must be related to Cedar's Roice Nelson!'  So my
 thoughtlet this week is that we each get to decide how seriously
 we will take our heritage and our name.

 I realize you all know what I'm going to write next, but sometimes
 it is good to remember.  Rob, your name comes from your Mom's
 Grandfather, Robert Llewllyn.  He was a good man who worked for the
 U.S. Post office his whole life.  Grandma Llewllyn spoke of him with
 the same kind of reverence I have tried to describe.  Sara, your
 name comes from your Aunt Sara and your Great-Grandmother, Roice
 Bengt's wife, Sarah Catherine Hunter, as well as her daughter Sara
 Stella Mendenhall.  Ellyn is your mother's middle name.  Melanie
 you are named for your mother's hero in the book and the movie
 `Gone With The Wind.'  Robbyn comes from your Grandma, Robbye Cloe. 
 Paul, your name comes from my Grandpa and hero, Paul Adolf Hafen,
 as well as my cousin Paul Nelson and the ancient Apostle Paul of
 Tarsus.  Frederick is your Grandpa Emmit Sharp's middle name, a
 World-War II pilot and PhD Sociologist.  Ben you are named for
 my heroes Benjamin Franklin, the scientist and statesman, and
 King Benjamin of the Book of Mormon.  We did find a Benjamin in
 our family history, but I do not know anything about him yet. 
 Bengt was my Grandfather's middle name, and his father as well
 as his Grandfather's first name.  Roice your name comes directly
 from my father, and, of course, my Grandfather.  We have an
 absolutely wonderful heritage.  As we make choices I hope we will
 each realize the impact those choices have on our family mobile. 
 In short, I hope we each realize the importance of a good reputation." 
 
#581, 30Sep96, Jury Duty.
"I love you because you took care of stuff at home when I was so
 late because of jury duty.  I need to change my Voter's Registration
 to match my Driver's License exactly.  This is why I get called so
 often.  It was a real experience to be on my second criminal jury.
 I reacted much as I do with our children, but I was definitely not
 the driving force in the jury room.  It was interesting to see the
 three dissenters come around to a guilty verdict.  It was more
 interesting to see how strong they were on punishment once they
 understood the defendant has been guilty of 6 felonies in the past.
 In some ways I wish you could have had the experience I had, but
 then maybe I am the one who needed it.  There are certainly a lot
 of gray areas in any issue, including sending a man back to jail.
 One thing I know for sure is the fact I love you." 
 
#582, 01Oct96, What Christ Would Do.
"I love you because you are concerned about Roice.  I love you because
 you want to protect him from anything that could hurt him, including
 the letter from Dean L. Larson.  I recognize that the letter is hard
 and cuts right to the chase.  I absolutely agree with everything he
 said and appreciate the frank honest way in which it was presented.
 As was stated in the scripture reading we did the next day, this letter
 represented is the kind of honesty I expect of the Savior and of his
 representatives.  Your words about Merril's letter were really touching.
 I agree that Merril wrote as I would expect the Savior to write.  I will
 be sure to tell him how much you appreciated his letter.  I have tried
 to steer away from quoting others and specifically the scriptures in
 these lovelets, and so I won't quote the scripture we read again here. 
 But I do want to say I was equally deeply touched as I read II Nephi 9:40
 the morning after our discussion, and how clearly it stated to me that
 both letters were what the Savior would write.  Love is not just mercy. 
 Love includes works and obeying the law.  I'm sorry if I am too far on one
 side of this line for you sometimes, but I hope you recognize I love you." 
 
#583, 02Oct96, Bureau of Economic Geology.
"I love you because you liked me rubbing your feet and you were 
 interested in all of the details about the call from the Bureau of
 Economic Geology.  I am very excited about the opportunity this will
 provide us and specifically all of those who have been supporting me
 the last few months and years.  I really do believe that the concepts
 we have developed of Best Practices, Agile Virtual Teams, Virtual
 Seminars, networked geotechnical consulting, and Knowledge Backbones
 will create a new way of doing business in the oil and gas industry.
 It follows that when you change the way an industry like the oil and
 gas industry does its business, there is an opportunity to make a lot
 of money, similar to what Landmark Graphics did.  I realize you do
 not stay with me because of my money, but I also realize the security
 money provides is very important to you.  I hope you will be able to
 stick with me and with this vision of the future until we are able to
 again have the financial security we had for a short period of time. 
 In some ways I do not want to have that comfort come again because I
 am so afraid of the fruits of success.  I feel like our family did
 fine until there was success, and then whether because of my pride or
 some other reason, we fell apart when we had a lot of money.  I am
 assured there is some distorted thinking in these fears.  However, I
 do not want our family to get so caught up in material and temporary
 things again that we lose each other.  Why?  Because I always want to
 be with you because I love you." 
 
#584, 03Oct96, Half-Way There.
"I love you because you encourage me, even if it is in subtle ways,
 to write these lovelets.  This is #584 and it marks a milestone,
 in that the last new `Engines of Our Ingenuity' I heard was #1168. 
 That means that I am half-way to having more lovelets that there
 are `Engines of Our Ingenuity' programs.  Professor Lienhard has
 posted up to #1167 at his web site (see gopher://Gopher.UH.EDU:70/
 00/campus-info/KUHF%20Radio/The%20Engines%20of%20our%20Ingenuity/
 Contents/1101-%20Contents).  So another year-and-a-half and I want
 to take you out to dinner to celebrate catching up.  Then I can
 work on catching up with the 3,000+ `Music and The Spoken Word'
 programs that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has presented.  The
 bottom line of all of this is simply the fact I love you." 
 
#585, 04Oct96, Todd McLane.
"I love you because you are concerned about retirement and want to
 make sure we have sufficient resources.  The checks were written
 and delivered to Todd McLane.  He came by the house to pick them
 up.  Had an enjoyable discussion with him.  He is basically a 
 salesman, but he has some good insights and asked some good 
 questions in order to get to know us better.  I answered discretely
 as though you were with me.  He still homed in and said `Do you
 think Marti's depression could be chemically based?'  I said, `Yes.'
 He said, `Well you should ask her to talk to my Mom, Ruth McLane. 
 She was chemically depressed and when she found a cure she snapped
 out of it in just a couple of months.  She has helped lots of
 women since then, and as far as I know they have all been successful.'
 Sister McLane was in our ward at Maplewood II, and if you have an
 interest in following up on this suggestion, Todd's number is
 357-0800 x 107.  He is a nice and caring guy.

 Speaking of Maplewood II, Rhett Burergner now lives there.  He and
 his wife told me that John Pratt and Don Sullivan and their wives
 both said to say hi to you and me.  Says Tom Eccles is still the
 Bishop, and that they enjoy the ward.  We do have a wonderful history
 together, and sometimes, like at conference on Sunday afternoon when
 Rhett told me about how kindly people in Maplewood II spoke of us,
 it brought to the front, through all of the little issues we seem to
 constantly face, how much I love you." 
 
#586, 05Oct96, Homecoming.
"I love you because you made sure our girls had a good Homecoming.
 I still think Sara is too young to be pursuing dates and writing
 `sexy' on her jeans.  But I really appreciate how you followed up
 to make sure the kids came to our house, that you were up with the
 kids, and that you helped make sure it was a successful experience
 for her.  I especially appreciate your words with Melanie and making
 sure that she knows that it is inappropriate to go someplace 
 different than she said she would go to spend the night.  The are 
 both such beautiful girls, I am so afraid that they are going to
 make some stupid mistake and screw up the rest of their lives.  In
 the mean time, I let my fears get in the way of having the right
 kind of relationship with them and probably screw up the rest of
 their lives without intending to or wanting to.  Thanks for being
 her to balance me out.  We need you.  I love you." 
 
#587, 06Oct96, One Person To Accept Me As I Am.
"I love you because you said to me `All I want is for one person
 to accept me as I am.'  I am that person.  When you don't feel
 accepted for who you are, please point it out to me and then please
 listen to me as I explain how I do accept you as you are.  This
 doesn't mean that I will agree with all of your choices.  A choice
 or an action is not you.  You are a physical entity, with a mind
 and a spirit that is in the process of becoming whole (or in the 
 words of the scriptures, `perfect').  Please realize, even if I
 disagree with a choice or an action, I still accept you as you are
 because I love you." 
 
#96.41, Judging.
"Uncle Lloyd sent me a copy of a letter he sent to his kids this week,
 and I realized I have a couple of more e-mail addresses for extended
 family members.  I really do not know Renee or Ivan as well as others
 on the list, but went ahead and added you to my mailing to be
 consistent.  I guess that I have the hope that if you get to know me
 and my family better it will be easier for us to get to know you and
 your families.

 My thoughts have centered around the word `judging' this week.  As
 you kids know, I have been going to a therapist fairly regularly this
 last year.  For those in the extended family who didn't know, I expect
 this is a good place to start contemplating the concept of judging. 
 The last time I went in he talked about the Briggs-Meyers concept of
 `judgmental' vs `perceptive.'  Specifically he described how these
 researchers identified how people of a sad countenance tend to be
 judgmental, insist on being to the airport an hour before the plane
 leaves, and have other unique psychological characteristics.  The
 other side of this coin are those who go with the flow, and are
 uncomfortable arriving at the airport before people start to board
 the plane, etc.  I haven't found their book `Gifts Differing' or the
 book `Please Understand Me' by Keissey yet, and so I don't know how
 these concepts apply in my life (other than there is no question I
 tend to be judgmental and have been accused of having a dour
 countenance).  I do know it is hard to understand why it is hard
 to communicate in a family sometimes, and it makes sense to me
 innate, individual perspectives are a big part of the issue.

 Last Sunday in Priesthood meeting the teacher based the lesson
 around a scripture Brigham Young provided: `If thou art merry,
 praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with
 a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.   If thou art sorrowful, call
 on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful'
 (D&C 136:28-29).  I will leave it to each of you to look up the
 circumstances and context of the revelation.  My point is that both
 kind of people seem to be part of our lives, and there is much we
 can learn from each.

 Monday I had my second `opportunity' to be on a criminal jury.  The
 first one was a few years ago, and we convicted a man of rape and
 sentenced him to life in prison.  It turns out he had been in prison
 before for the same thing prior to our conviction.  This time the
 crime was for possession of less than 1 gram of cocaine.  This jury
 was a lot more lively, including whether this was a complete waste
 of taxpayer dollars.  There were three panelist who debated for a
 long time there was reasonable doubt.  Finally after there was a
 guilty decision, we found out the defendant was out on parole from
 his 6th felony conviction.  In determining punishment there was a
 lot of debate, but by different jurors.  A Chinese lady on the panel
 said `In my country we would have just shot him.'  Someone responded,
 `This is your country now and we don't do that.'  We finally ended
 up with a sentance of 4 years and a $1,000 fine.  It was a very
 long day.  The theme was definitely all about judging another person.

 With Roice's permission, I sent a copy of a letter he wrote me to
 several friends and one respected General Authority.  Early in the
 week I received a copy of two letters sent to Roice at this request. 
 One letter was to the point and could be seen as being judgmental. 
 The other was a loving and caring plea for me to `Make certain that
 Roice knows that no matter what happens, (I) love him.'  It turned
 out that our scripture reading the next morning included II Nephi 9:40
 where it says `Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you;
 for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the
 words of your Maker.  I know that the words of truth are hard against
 all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love truth
 and are not shaken.'  The scripture reinforced my appreciation of both
 of the letters.

 Ben sent me a nice e-mail this week, in which he told us that he and
 Sarah want to get married during the summer of `98 and wanted to know
 what comments I have concerning their decision.  Both Mom and I really
 like Sarah and I hope that my response clearly expressed love, along
 with my natural tendency to stress the importance of doing the right
 thing for the right reasons in the right way.

 Paul came home from Sam Houston State to go to homecoming and to tell
 us he just received his mission call to Novosibirsk (in Siberia).  I
 thought of the problems of being falsely accused of burglary of
 school property last year, and all of the associated hassles.  I
 thought of how hard I have judged Paul in the past and yet how proud
 I am of him for his choices now.  I wondered how much Paul learned
 about following rules that he will need in serving a successful
 mission in the center of Russia.  On the atlas it is not that far
 from Uruamuchi in the People's Republic of China where I gave a talk
 the time Grandma Hafen went to China with me.

 Melanie had homecoming last night, and she didn't spend the night
 where she said she was going to, and when questioned she went for a
 walk and didn't come home for several hours.  Sara went to the same
 dance, and it is only a few weeks after her 15th birthday.  Rob said
 he did not want to go to priesthood meeting last night, but then
 Marti helped him change his mind and he seemed to enjoy the talks. 
 Judging and loving are a big part of trying to be good parents and
 such a big part of life.  In watching the presidential debate tonight,
 it was hard for me not to judge the candidates harshly.  Hopefully we
 are right more than we are wrong.

 In attending and taking notes at General Conference the last two days,
 I realized again how we all have to balance judging and loving, and
 how everyone does it slightly differently.  Quentil L. Cook summed up
 my week for me when he said `We tend to judge others at their best
 and ourselves at our worst.'  I hope that sometime in the future,
 maybe if you have occasion to re-read this thoughtlet, you will
 realize how much we all struggle with rules and judging, love and
 understanding, and keeping the proper balance given our natural
 tendencies one way or the other." 
 
#588, 07Oct96, Mad.
"I love you because you put up with me when I get mad.  I don't even
 remember what I was angry about last Monday and Tuesday.  I'm sure
 it was related to my family's reaction to that which I hold most dear,
 and specifically the semi-annual review we received over the weekend
 at General Conference.  I recognize, in my mind, my feelings and my
 reactions are bipolar to what we are being taught in the same forum.
 I used the word bipolar in the previous sentance because the only
 answers I have been able to come up with as to why our family is so
 dysfunctional are: (1) individuals in the family choose to not keep
 the commandments and are bringing spiritually predicated challenges
 to our family; and/or (2) I am seriously mentally ill and am seeing
 the world through an unrealistic filter.  I do everything I know how
 to understand and to keep the commandments myself and to do try to set
 the right example.  It doesn't seem to work, and maybe it is because
 there is so much baggage being carried around.  I have and continue to
 do everything I know how to, or that experts can suggest, to address
 the mental illness issue.  Dr. Aronson tells me I am coping remarkably
 well and that he does not diagnose bipolar mental illness.  Sometimes
 I feel the effort is working, but at times I am totally, utterly, and
 completely overwhelmed with feelings of failure in those areas which
 absolutely mean the most to me: my `eternal' family.  I recognize
 there are shades of gray and feedback reactions in and between both
 of my explainations of dysfunction.  I sure hope to come to understand
 what is going on and what can be done to make life better for you and
 for the kids.  I will permanently go away if that will solve the
 problems, because I love you." 

#589, 08Oct96, Make the Bed.
"I love you because you have gone to the effort to make the bed three
 times in the last two weeks.   My irrational self tells me this is
 more times than you have made this choice in the last two years.
 I do not know how making the bed became such a symbol in my life.
 Over the years I have spent many hours thinking about and pondering
 this single topic of `Why does Marti not care if the bed is made or
 not?'  Is it just an issue of perception, not recognizing or
 discerning when things are cluttered?  Is it a way to be get away
 from too much structure?  Is it a way to express anger at me?  Is
 she just too busy?  Is it a bad habit?  Is it something that matters? 
 Is it a signal depression has returned?  I know that when we lived on
 Blue Quail Drive I solved the issue by making the bed.  I know that
 more recently I have told myself, it is your way of paying Marti back
 for providing the family with insurance.  Maybe it is simply a way or
 an opportunity, recognized or not, of saying I love you." 
 
#590, 09Oct96, Fingernail.
"I love you because you noticed that the fingernail on the middle
 finger of my left hand is black.  Of course, it has almost grown
 out from when I dropped the desk on the finger in June when Paul
 and I were getting the house ready to have the carpet replaced.
 However, you noticed, you expressed concern, you showed sincere
 sympathy, and you cared about me for a brief moment.  Thanks.
 I love you." 
 
#591, 10Oct96, Jim Jensen.
"I love you because you are so accepting when I go out and do
 church work, even though you `do not believe' and are `no longer
 a Mormon.'  Splits were a little funny, since the elders were
 scheduled for a split with the Zone Leaders, I ended up with a
 Samoan Elder named Papi_____.  He is very nice, and we had one
 very good, but very long visit with Brother Jensen.  Brother Jensen,
 the son of Brother Jensen who died, lives next door to his Dad's
 old house.  His brother is coming this next week to go through all
 of his Dad's stuff because Jim is uncomfortable doing it alone.
 Jim Junior is a Great-Grandfather.  He has a 36 year old single son
 living at home.  He seldom leaves the house, in case his wife, who
 has a terminal illness, might fall or otherwise need his attention. 
 He bears a strong testimony.  He expressed interest in having the
 youth bring the sacrament to his home.  His health has improved from
 when I visited with him several years ago.  He is very lonely, and
 obviously wants to have contact with church members.  He feels bad
 about choices he made as a youth.  His response to my sharing 
 thoughts about Dad's cancer and death, my efforts to continue my
 life and still support my wife and family's needs, was non-existent.
 The whole experience seemed like a time capsule discussion with my
 Dad and with my older sons.  It fit the mold of the rest of my
 week, but it also brought to mind hope and how much I love you." 
 
#592, 11Oct96, That Thing You Do.
"I love you because you were excited to go to the Tom Hanks movie,
 `That Thing You Do,' with me.  I couldn't believe the way they so
 accurately captured my Dad's reaction to the Keynotes, jumping
 over parking meters, the naming of the `Mydknight Hour,' the
 reactions and dancing of college kids in the basement of the old
 Hotel El Escalante dorm  on the corner of Main and Second South,
 the interactions between band members, etc.  The High School rock
 band portion of my life was definitely mirrored in the movie.  Yes,
 I was crying at times.  The tears were joy and good memories and
 a real longing to return to those simpler times.

 Thanks for going for a walk with me.  Your reaction to the cow was
 really cute.  I thought it was a good walk and a great discussion.
 I'm sorry the bugs bit you.  When we are in Utah this kind of a 
 walk will not include the same kind and number of bugs.  I almost
 named this lovelet `walks' based on our walk through along the
 Cullen Park bike trail, and the fact that you found out Rob and
 his friends Loren and Joe took a walk in the neighborhood after we
 went to bed and were potentially up to mischief.  I'm glad Karen
 told you, and I absolutely agree with the `No one spends the night
 with Rob for the next couple of weeks' response.  Thanks for
 agreeing with the curfew and helping to enforce it.  I love you." 
 
#593, 12Oct96, Tracy and Laura Lynn Stark's Wedding.
"I love you because you went to Tracy and Laura Lynn Stark's wedding
 with me.  Spending the morning with a dozen others from the ward in
 painting Mike Smith's house had set a real good tone for the wedding.
 I had taken all of the pictures off of the wall (of their kids, Edy 
 before she became alcoholic, etc.), and moved memories (some of it
 could be seen as `junk') in order to be able to paint the two rooms
 and the hall.  It was nice to have Paul there helping.  But it was
 particularly nice to go to the chapel at Rice University and to
 experience the wedding.

 It was wonderful to watch your joy as the organist played `Jesu, Joy
 of Man's Desire' by Bach, and as you listened to the wonderful Houston's
 Boy's Choir.  The ceremony was nice, not based on eternal covenants,
 priesthood sealing power, and what I feel should be an uncompromising
 commitment to make marriage work, but very nice.  The people in
 attendance seemed touched.  I'm sorry I talked business and brought up
 memories with Robert Steed.  It was nice to hear you remember how his
 Dad had called me `arrogant' and how you said at one point there was
 probably a basis for my arrogance.  I was particularly impressed with
 the charge to the audience to `do everything within our power to make
 sure that this marriage lasts.'

 It was fun to rub your neck in the car.  It made the long ride there
 and back to Rhodes Stadium to participate in Parent's Night with Melanie
 enjoyable.  It was fun to watch your reaction to the concept, cost, and
 pageantry surrounding the parent's introductions.  In many ways, I am
 glad you do not like football either, and that you have no problem in
 letting the kids play their game and going out to dinner with me.

 The discussion we had at `The Black-Eyed Pea' was one of the best we
 have ever had in sharing interests.  Maybe I should reword that and say
 it was one of the best we have had in you listening to things I am
 interested and excited about.  I hope we will be able to continue that
 discussion in the future.  I would be honored to help you set up a
 `Knowledge Backbone' and the associated `Best Practice Methodology'
 for your server and colleagues at Elsik High School.

 The rest of the evening was hectic: not having a car to pick up Sara
 from the game because you to Rob to make up his bowling games, taking
 Joe home, going to the grocery store with Rob, and then watching the
 movie you picked out (since I picked out the movie last time).  The
 subject matter was absolutely fascinating, given the context.  The
 match with our family was really interesting.  Starting with a Mom
 who was overwhelmed by 7 sons and a marriage, a creative and not-
 providing-sufficient husband with allergies and who was too tough on
 his kids, and then how she reached out after kicking him out of the
 house, and how they reacted as a family to the possibility of one of
 their son's (brother's) being killed by a terrorist.  Maybe we need
 that same kind of reality check to coalesce our family.  Even if
 there isn't such a potential tragedy, I hope you realize I love you." 
 
#594, 13Oct96, Family Dinner.
"I love you because you cooked a family dinner for us when Sarah and
 Ben visited.  The time we spent together as a family, playing pool
 and chess, and eating dinner, temporarily reversed the feelings from
 earlier in the day.

 I hope you do not understand how much it hurts to see you flaunt your
 willpower each Sunday during the Sacrament.  I have no problem with
 your decision about beef.  I am ecstatic about the weight you have lost,
 specifically because it helps you feel better about yourself.  However,
 I do not understand how someone who is so quick to talk about Christ's
 love can flaunt rejection of that love.  I must really be a terrible
 person to have made you so mad at me that you must so delibrately show
 how you can reject the common basis of our relationship, teaching your
 children to reject all that I stand for with trumpets blaring.  I
 realize you say you are `just not willing to make the commitments that
 are associated with the sacrament.'  However, I firmly agree with
 Elder Larsen's words to Roice: `I have also learned that those who
 insist on taking this approach are generally building a protective
 veneer to insulate themselves against a deeper conviction of gospel
 truths which would require them to change a lifestyle that they don't
 want to give up.  They adopt a position of pseudo-sophistication that
 permits them to be superficially comfortable with self-deceit.'  I
 believe there was a personal basis for your strong reaction to `words
 of truth' (2 Nephi 9:40-42).  I don't believe you understand this.

 It did not take long after Ben and Sarah left for me to react to not 
 being able to find the right channel on the TV.  I do not understand
 why anger builds to such a breaking point in me.  Maybe I am just
 plain mentally ill and need to be locked up.  Thank you for looking 
 for the TV users manual and for attempting to fix it.  If I knew how
 to control my feelings I would have done the same thing.  I am really
 sorry for my part in making your life so miserable.  I hope that you
 can find some comfort in the fact that despite all of our differences
 in opinion, all of my anger, and my reactions to your choices, that
 I do love you." 
 
#96.42, Communication.
"This week I got responses from Chuck Cluff and `Sweet Paul.'  I was
 particularly impressed with what Chuck wrote.  He gave permission to
 post his `Responselet,' which I have done.  I didn't ask permission
 from Paul, and just posted his because it said `Sweet Paul.'  For
 those, like Uncle Lloyd and Aunt Luana (or Paul when he gets to
 Siberia) that don't (or won't) have access to the WWW, I will be
 glad to forward copies of any e-mails I reference, if you request
 them.  Otherwise, they are available for reference at 
 http://www.walden3d.com/hrnmen/9641a.html and .../9641b.html.  The  
 comments I received got me thinking . . . .

 I started this `Thoughtlet' project while writing a `White Essay'
 on `Virtual Seminars' to put in words some of the things we have
 been working on over the last few years 
 (http://www.walden3d.com/we/Virtual_Seminars.html).  In the original
 version, "Accessing and Managing Knowledge" 
 (http://www.walden3d.com/we/we_index.html), there is a long section
 on `Mentors,' `Media,' and `Learners.'  In this section I was
 attempting to put my thoughts about communication down on paper. 
 Partly the thoughts were based on the fact we do not have the kind
 of communication I know we could have in our family.  Does anyone? 
 My sister Sara's, Uncle Lloyd's, Aunt Luana's, Chuck's, and now
 Paul's Responselets have helped convince me of the value of this
 effort.  It might be several years before you kids are convinced of
 or see the value.  But in the meantime, I hope something I write
 reaches you when you need it and shows you how much I care.

 To have communication you have to have a source, a receiver, and
 a media.  E-mail or the WWW provides the media you are reviewing as
 a receiver.  The Thoughtlets and Responselets are the source.  The
 exciting thing to me about this project is that even if it is
 several years before you see any value in having your Dad send you
 an e-mail each week, someday there will probably be something said
 which you will find useful.  At that time maybe the other messages
 will take on a life of their own in your life too.  In some ways
 I've seen this develop with the interactive chess games with Roice
 at UT (http://www.walden3d.com/dialog/roice3) and Ben at A&M
 (http://www.walden3d.com/dialog/chess).  Ben started the process
 and he has beat me 4:3 games.  I beat him tonight when Sarah and
 he stopped to have dinner with us after talking to her parents
 about their planned engagement.  Roice and I are in the midst of
 a testosterone fight to the finish.  He did say on the phone tonight
 `Dad, I underestimated you.'  And I must admit, it is a challenge
 playing one of the top 1% of the UT Engineering College students.
 But I have not given up yet!  And Paul, did you know that Scott
 Allen, one of the Priests I used to teach, was a missionary to
 Moscow and was one of the first missionaries sent into Siberia
 carrying a money belt with US$20,000.  Brother Rowbury told me
 about that trip today in Priesthood opening exercises.  I got a
 call from Scott about a year ago, but have lost track of where
 he is.  Vladimir Vyssolski, the Russian member in our ward
 (Alexes Dad), works for Amoco, regularly visits Russia, and has
 several good friends in Novosibirsk.  He was very excited to hear
 about your mission call and would like to talk to you when you have
 a chance (713) 578-9729.  Communication requires the transmission
 of data, information, knowledge, intelligence, or wisdom by some
 means to someone who is listening.  Are you there?

 The exciting thing to me is the fact this type of communication is
 outside of the boundaries of space and time.  I can write something
 on Sunday and have a response on my desk the next morning from
 Pakistan or California.  The only limit of the past or the future
 is the writer's memory (Alma 13:1 `Cite your mind forward . . .'). 
 The living-library of Thoughtlets and Responselets will always be
 available (as long as is part of a reasonably secure process with
 backup and replication), and if I find someone willing to take on
 the Thoughtlets after I write my 480 or so.  In fact, with
 Responslets from other family members, over a fairly short time,
 this project can grow to be a type of family scripture, with key
 word search and classified retrieval.  Hopefully you will find some
 of the material relevant to one of your life passages.  At worst
 case, there might be an idea that can be used for a talk or a
 school paper.  And in the worst case, this effort can be likened to
 a quote Ron Crabtree gave in Sacrament Meeting today: `Plant corn
 for yourself and pecans for your grandchildren.'" 
 
#595, 14Oct96, Bill Wilson.
"I love you because you have expressed several times that you believe
 I am doing everything I can to provide whatever our family needs.
 Monday was a long day.  I worked with Bill Resley on the presentation
 we are giving Wednesday to GeoQuest.  I took Bill Bavinger to the
 Intercontinental Airport to pick up Bill Wilson, former U.S. Ambassador
 to the Vatican, and spent the entire day with them.  With all of the
 Bills, you could call it a `Bill' day.  Bavinger is so much like me.
 He sees a White Knight around every road block.  I was pleased with
 the discussions and the day, but I recognize that Bill Wilson is a
 nice old man who want's to make a difference, but doesn't really have
 the resources to help the whole world on his own.  I guess I saw
 myself at age 84, Alf Klaviness, Bud Cannon, and numerous other
 `do-gooders' I know.  I couldn't help but wonder if, and if so when,
 I will be able to get out of the business rut I am pulling my handcart
 in.  Thank you for sticking with me as well as you have been able to. 
 The last thing in the world I want to do is to disappoint you once again,
 because I love you." 
 
#596, 15Oct96, Wake Sara Up.
"I love you because you were willing to go upstairs and wake Sara
 up.  I do not like all of the stuff that happened after this, but
 as I reflect on the week, I figure I am somehow responsible for 
 the whole `tone' of our family.  I do not understand what all of
 the screaming about the phone was the night before.  I do not 
 understand why Sara will not talk to me and why she runs out of
 the room when I try to talk to her.  I do not understand why you
 left the house mad at me, with Rob's shoes in the car.  I do not
 understand what has happened to my `eternal family.'  But I do
 know, not that you care or believe me, that I am concerned and
 that I love you." 
 
#597, 16Oct96, Rob's Threat.
"I love you because you passed off Rob's threat with a flick of your
 head and a twist of your wrist. 

 I am sorry that I can not pass off what he said in the same way.  I
 am not responsible for ruining his life any more than I am responsible
 for how he chooses to have his room kept.  I take his threat that
 `Someday I am going to kill you' is an absolute fact in his mind. 
 Maybe he is just expressing what others feel.  He said he has thought
 it for years, and this was just the first time he has said it.  It is
 interesting to me that the words came not when I got home at 7:30,
 after calling twice to make sure that it was not a problem if I
 finished getting ready for the big presentation tomorrow, and
 stopped him from turning on the TV until his homework is done, but
 came when I turned off the TV at 10:00 PM, shortly after the pizza
 came for his dinner, and I told him the TV was not to go back on for
 the evening.  My reaction of getting him a kitchen knife and turning
 my back so he could carry out his design was certainly not the best.
 Based on how my family feels about my efforts to help and be of
 service to them, it seems like the cleaner road.  At least I could
 escape my pain, and I wouldn't be creating such an ongoing stream of
 pain for all of the rest of you.  I am looking forward to having
 everyone dump on me next Tuesday, assuming anyone besides me goes,
 and to seeing how the councilor reacts to all of the absolutely
 horrible things I have done to my family (things like insist on a
 family dinner prior to 10:00 PM or that the television get turned of
 at 10:00 PM).  The pain is getting sufficiently great that something
 is going to break.  Since you have no problems, have done everything
 perfect, and could do no more to make our family function any better
 than it does, I'm not sure it is of any use to share my concerns,
 especially sarcastically.  But I am concerned.  I am angry.  I am at
 a complete loss. 

 I am glad that you can pass off the events as meaningless and of no
 consequence or relationship to you.  I wish you well in your fantasy
 world.  Maybe the fact you live there is the real reason I love you." 
 
#598, 17Oct96, Frankly.
"I love you because you are out to prove you are a person of
 convictions that keeps your convictions.  I hope and pray you
 will be very careful about the convictions you choose to keep.

 In the negative spirit of some of the lovelet's sent this last week,
 there is one thing you said last night that I felt there was a lot
 more behind than was said.  Namely when you said `Frankly, I don't
 want you to think I have been sneaking around, and I went and talked
 to the Bishop for 20 minutes tonight.'  I have learned over the
 years that when someone says `honest' or `to tell the truth' or
 `frankly' that there is usually something they are not saying, and
 in fact they often are not being honest, truthful, or frank.  It
 seems you have been waiting for me to stumble, and when I did it was
 on with the red power blouse and were off to report on how bad of a
 guy I am.  There was certainly nothing said directly to me Tuesday
 night or Wednesday morning.  There was no conversation, and no 
 questions at all.  It seems to me like the trip to the Bishop was a
 sort of a self-justification for things you have done this past year,
 which I have not told anyone about, and certainly a self-justification
 for your feelings towards me.  As you contemplate your motives, please
 play these thoughts through your filter.  Doesn't it even play into
 the picture that I was threatened in a most serious and intent way
 with being killed by a young man that sent a murder threat to our
 neighbor within the last week?  And why was I threatened?  Because I
 went over and turned off the TV at 10:06 PM and said it was not to
 go back on!

 I realize you had not changed your mind this morning.  I recognize you
 may not change your mind.  I will continue to hope and pray that you
 do change your mind.  We do see the world through quite different
 filters.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could use those filters to
 create unique and lasting contributions that truly help others and
 that give us each personal fulfillment.  I would really like the 
 opportunity to spend a couple of hours on convenient Saturdays over
 the rest of this year to help you build a Best Practice Knowledge Base
 for your department at school.  I believe that a conviction to build
 something is much better than a conviction to destroy something and
 someone.  Please remember, through your anger, how much I love you." 
 
#599, 18Oct96, Depression and Divorce.
"I love you for all of the positive reasons that have been shared 
 through this medium of lovelets over the past 20 months (599 days)
 and for all of the millions of reasons I have not yet been able to
 put into words.  I am truly sorry I am not always positive.  I am
 sorry I tend to criticize, blame, shame, and have other significant
 `ethical' and/or character flaws.  I am working on them and I am
 better than I was 20 months and more ago.  I am sorry my progress
 and efforts have not been of sufficient value to adjust your current
 thinking. 

 Please reconsider your current plans.  It is never good to make 
 long-term and life altering plans when emotions are on edge.  I know
 because I have done this too many times in the past in my emotional
 reactions to you, to my parents, to our kids, and in short to those
 I love the most.  It is also not a good idea to make plans that will
 affect you for the next 40 years when you are depressed.  Depression
 and divorce too often go together, and a mix of the results are
 guaranteed to be devastating.  They are devastating to you, to our
 kids, and to me.  Please take a 6-month, 1 year, 5 year, or 10 year
 review of where this road is leading.  Once you take this fork in
 the road you will reach your destination.  The results will only
 become more serious as time goes on, specifically for you.  I can
 not bear that thought because I love you.  Please talk to women who
 have chosen to be divorced.  Listen to where they are, what they are
 doing, how they get on in society, what they think about their
 circumstances, and how their kids are doing.  Learn how they would
 do it different if they could.  Talk to your Mom.  Talk to Sharon
 Boyce.  Talk to Diane Appeleto.  Wasn't Michelle Schmidt depressed
 a few years ago?  Who did she talk to?  What did she do?  Go to a
 12-step program.  Go to a marriage counselor with me with simply a
 desire to and a hope we can make our marriage work. 

 I really appreciate your agreeing to wait until after the first of 
 the year and until after Paul leaves on his mission.  I continue
 to be optimistic, to hope and to pray you will soften your heart
 and change your mind.  I think it is very positive you are willing
 to wait until we have had a chance to see what the family counseling
 does.  At the same time I absolutely recognize how resolute you are
 this time.

 I called Ed Rogers and asked him what my options are.  According to
 Texas law, none.  You can go to a lawyer, get papers drawn up, and
 90 days later we will be divorced.  There is absolutely nothing I
 can do about it.  I can file a motion for a stay until there has
 been marriage counseling, and I will do that if we get to that
 point (let's just do the counseling now).  But unless we can work
 it out, or unless a therapist can help us work it out, there is
 nothing I can do about your decision except join you in living with
 the consequences.  The only action I can take, which Ed strongly
 recommended I take care of, is to legally define the financial
 bounds of the consequences of your choice with a pre-divorce
 settlement.  Therefore I have prepared a Balance Sheet of our
 financial status as of today, and am requested by council to ask
 you to sign it and to get the signature witnessed by two others.
 This will protect you from legal sharks who will want to keep the
 pain of a divorce decision alive for years (i.e. please remember
 your parents divorce), and it will limit the additional financial
 exposure I could have, which I'm sure Ed is right to worry about.
 However, nothing can limit the inevitable emotional pain.

 I guess I could do like the guy in California you were reading about
 in the paper this morning when I asked `What are you thinking about.' 
 It appears to me, the more I read, I have some of the characteristics
 of bipolar disorder, and it is true that 10-15% of those creative
 people with bipolar disorder commit suicide.  It is true I have
 considered this option at several times in the past five years, all
 directly tied to your onqoing, and in my view, unfair quest for a
 divorce.  However, I have no intention nor desire to commit suicide,
 or to kill anyone I love.  If you make the mistake of divorcing me,
 I will struggle on the best I can and the best I know how to.  I will
 not provide you this silver bullet releasing you from your pain.

 In the meantime, I will continue to send you daily lovelets, until
 the day one of us dies or a divorce is finalized.  I certainly hope
 and pray that our relationship never comes to a divorce.  Despite
 all of the pain we have had, we have really had a good life and have
 done a lot of fun and exciting things together.  I will always
 treasure the memories of Norway, China, Israel, Huntsville, and the
 all of rest.  I'm here when you want me, and I will continue to be
 here until I have lost all hope.  I know I will always love you." 
 
#600, 19Oct96, The Associate.
"I love you because you are absolutely the most beautiful woman in
 the world to me.  This morning you had on a smock with orange and
 blue flowers drawn tight underneath your breasts.  I wanted to hold
 you and kiss you so bad.  I didn't sleep well, because of all of 
 the stress associated with your decision.  I didn't try to kiss you
 because you asked me not to.  I realize I broke down several times
 later in the day and did kiss you.  Thank you for putting up with me.
 It was special to me that while I was gone for a bike ride around
 Barker Reservoir you changed into the plaid shirt made with my
 favorite shades of blues.  I'm not sure why colors are so important
 to me, but like several of my blessings and challenges (and this is
 not written as an excuse) I believe it is related to heredity.

 I know the day was hard and tiring for you too.  Thank you for
 talking to me.  I believe we covered a lot of ground and hopefully
 did so without a lot of pain.  Specifically, in order for there to
 be any possible chance of seeing you change your mind you have given
 me three areas to convince you I am not as you perceive.  The points
 I believe are true and that I must convince you are true are:
  (1) I am not going to become like my mother (I'm much more like Dad);
  (2) I love my children, they love me, and we can enjoy each other's 
      company, and do fun things together; and
  (3) I see you as you are and can express that view without the anger,
      fear, sarcasm, blame, and shame that has become too habitual.

 Please give me a chance to do this over the next two months.  I 
 realize it is hard when you get a stream of lovelets like those
 starting with #588 through #599.  As we discussed today, these were
 all written after the incident with Rob, probably attacking as a
 type of self defense after realizing how poorly I reacted.  I was
 going to write a bunch of words about forgiving, but decided to use
 that topic as a basis for my weekly Thoughtlet tomorrow rather than
 to say those thoughts there.

 I appreciate you inviting me to go see Whoopi Goldberg's movie,
 `The Associate' with you, Karen, Rob, and Joe.  It was cute to see
 you embarrassed, especially knowing some of your black wardrobe.  It
 was great to see and listen to Tommy and Kerry Boyce.  I would sure
 like to do more things with folks like them and am not sure why we
 have not done so over the last few years.  It was fun to laugh with
 them.  It was fun to see you laugh and enjoy yourself.  Also, thank
 you for buying me pants and shoes.  As you know, I needed them. 
 Especially thanks for saying a prayer with me.  I do love you." 
 
#601, 20Oct96, It Breaks My Heart.
"I love you because you told me `It breaks my heart how my decision
 is affecting you.'  I see this statement, along with the embrace
 and kiss last night and the kiss goodby this morning, as a ray of
 light in an otherwise very dark situation.  You do care about me,
 you can love me (and yourself), and in the meantime I love you." 
 
#96.43, Forgive.
"It was a quiet week in family cyberspace.  Roice made two chess moves,
 and Ben committed to another game with `Go ahead and start a new game.
 I'll even let you move first.'  A friend I taught and baptized on my
 mission, Rick Hawthorne, sent me the first email I have received from
 him, thanks to Roice providing him my address.  And my sister Sara
 sent an update on Grandma Nelson falling twice, spraining her ankle,
 and the trials of getting her from the bed to the toilet and back. 
 She also said that the address http://www.walden3d.com/wonderScientist
 (cap sensitive) is fine for her new commercial site for her and Laura
 Cotts work: Wonder Scientist© designed to Helps Parents Teach Children
 Science Concepts (http://www.cpsc.suu.edu/users/penny/wonderScientist.html
 is the current address).  I had promised Sara I would get the site up
 by yesterday.  However, I have had some major distractions this week,
 and didn't get that far.  This broken promise did give me the topic I
 would like to write about this week, namely to forgive.  Sara please
 forgive me for not accomplishing what I said I would when I said I would.

 This little experience is symbolic of my need to please others, to make
 and meet schedules, in short to strive to be perfect.  I have been
 driven my whole life to be the perfect son, then after my conversion in
 1968 at age 18, to be the perfect church member.  Needless to say, as
 you kids and your Mom know better than anyone, I have too often failed
 in these meeting these personal and unrealistic needs.  So when you
 fail, at least what seems like a failure at one stage of your life, in
 achieving the impossible dream, what do you do?  Roice, what do you do
 when you get your first `B' in one of the toughest engineering schools
 in the nation?  Ben, what do you do when your Dad is finally able to
 beat you again at chess?  Paul, what do you do when you can't play the
 saxophone quite as well as you wanted to at an important performance? 
 Melanie, what do you do if you gain 8 pounds?  Sara, what do you do if
 a friend won't talk to you?  Rob, what do you do if you forget something
 important to you?  I think it starts with accepting there are limits,
 continues with forgiving ourselves and then others, and requires us to
 re-evaluate our needs in light of learning we exceeded a limit.  

 The key I would like you each to think about is forgiveness.  Why 
 would someone start something like these thoughtlets?   I started
 this effort because I love you, because I have a big ego and think
 I can say something that will be useful to you, because I dream of
 an extended eternal family that knows and cares about each other,
 and specifically because communication is not as good as it could
 be in our nuclear family.  Why isn't it as good as it could be. 
 Probably because I have tried too hard, have set too high of goals
 without having the emotional tools and without providing the support
 necessary to reach these goals.  I don't really know how to wrap
 words around what is slowly becoming clearer to me.  I do know several
 of us are at a stage we need to forgive ourselves for past mistakes,
 forgive others for their errors, and go forward making better choices.
 For me, this process starts with me.  I hope that sharing my efforts
 through this medium is found to be a positive effort along these lines.
 
 There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.  The Savior
 taught us how to do both.  I'm not sure of all of the relationships
 between the two, but it seems like to forgive is the first step.  I
 expect that forgetting comes with complete repentance and the 
 associated redirection in our lives.  Let me give you a personal
 example.  When we were growing up, Sara and I would cry ourselves
 to sleep night after night because of the arguing and screaming going
 on in the kitchen and dinning room.  We were grown with kids of our
 own, before we realized we both had felt the same way in our separate
 bedrooms.  It is pretty easy to point fingers, to pass blame, and to
 shame the participants.  However, none of these choices does any
 good for anyone.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about these
 days, feeling somehow responsible for what was going on in the other
 room, and trying to understand the root causes.  It is has been fairly
 easy to find a basis in both nurture and nature with the overlaying
 imprint of personal freedom of choice. 

 As a specific example on the heredity side of the scale, it is possible
 to follow through family histories of similar behaviors from John George
 Hafen to Adolf Hafen to Paul Hafen to Pauline, Tony, and Glenn Hafen,
 to me, to some of you kids.  The specific trait I am implying can be
 followed is the ability to process emotional language.  The books I
 have been reading refer to this as the inability to put words around
 emotions before the emotions are acted on.  This is a physical
 disability that takes a lot of learning to overcome.  Of course, there
 are traits in each different genealogical line, and it is not
 currently within our power to map all of these traits.  However,
 computers are making this more and more feasible.

 So as you kids each think over the mistakes I have made, please put my
 intent into the equation.  Remember there is a nature and a nurture
 component, not that either are an excuse for wrong choices.  Be quick
 to point out the wrong choices in a non-judgmental way.  Most of all
 be quick to forgive yourself when you make a mistake, forgive others
 for their mistakes, and work on the repentance and forgiving.  I am. 
 Sara, I will get the wonderScientist page done as soon as possible." 
 
#602, 21Oct96, Sherry Gill.
"I love you because you helped me get the family in for family
 counseling with Sherry Gill today.  It went much like you told
 me it would go.  Thanks for preparing me for it.  A few weeks or
 months ago you said `I'm scared to death to go to family counseling.'
 At that time I interpreted it, in what I am sure you consider my
 typically negative way, that you were `afraid you would look bad in
 front of your kids.'  I'm sorry I ever had that thought.  I now
 choose to interpret it that you were afraid of: (1) how I would 
 feel about hearing how my kids feel about me; or (2) how I would
 react to hearing how my kids feel about me.  I hope it was not
 the latter, and if it was the former it means there is hope that
 you can care about me again.  I don't know if I can never criticize
 or shame or blame or be sarcastic again, but I am committed to
 trying with all my heart might, mind, and strength.  I will not be
 much of a disciplinarian either, and I fear youth run amuck.  But
 what I fear need not occur.  I hope it doesn't put any extra burden
 on you.  I hope you can recognize how much I love my kids and how
 much I love you." 
 
#603, 22Oct96, Pray Together.
"I love you because you have been willing to kneel with me each
 evening since your decision and pray together.  I recognize more
 than ever how I am unworthy of receiving an answer to my prayers.

 However, I have tasted God's love, and I know that despite my
 horrible actions I am loved by my Savior.  I know he will forgive
 me of my mistakes and even my sins.  I know it is never easy to
 see my sins in the light of day, whether it be pride (highlighted
 to me when I went to work part-time for Landmark), or anger
 (brought to my conscience through my reaction to Rob last Thursday),
 selfishness (realizing how much I do not wanting my projects to
 be jeopardized by your choices), contention (shown by Sara's feelings
 expressed as `hypocrisy' and `sarcastic little scripture readings'
 in Family Therapy last night), judging (pointedly brought out
 listening to Melanie and Sara describe all I have accused them of),
 as well as many other sins I recognize I sometimes don't even
 comprehend I am committing.  But even as I fling open the curtain
 and contemplate how seriously I have sinned, as I strive to build a 
 mental model of what I am going to do to minimize the possibility
 I will repeat these grevous mistakes, I know that my Savior loves
 me.  I firmly believe He wants us to succeed at keeping our family
 together eternally.

 Thank you again for kneeling with me to pray together.  I will
 continue to strive to do repair the tremendous damage I have done,
 within the limited legal options and emotional capabilities I have
 because I love you." 
 
#604, 23Oct96, Diane Appalito.
"I love you because you arranged for me to visit Diane Appalito with
 you.  It was hard for me to listen to you be so hard on me.  I believe
 you are wrong, sort of judging me like you judge actors in a movie.
 But if that is the way you feel, there is nothing I can do about it
 except tell you how much I love you." 
 
#605, 24Oct96, Rob's Molecule.
"I love you because you picked up the material and helped build
 Rob's molecule.  Wasn't it a little bit nice not to have to go
 back to the store to buy heavier wire, thanks to me pointing out
 how you could use wire clothes hangers?  It takes a father and
 a mother to be parents.  Please remember how much I love our 
 kids and how much I want to be around them, even if they don't
 like me.  I believe they will with time.  I am a good guy.  And
 they, like Melanie, will come back.  I love you." 
 
#606, 25Oct96, Consider Other Options.
"I love you because you were willing to put yourself through such
 an emotionally draining day, meeting with Dr. Aronson, Bill Hagen,
 your potential lawyer, and then still be able to consider other
 options than what you have had your mind focused on this past week.
 I hope you will continue to consider this new option of giving our
 marriage another six months test, with me working in Austin and
 allowing you some emotional space.  I do hope this will become
 something you can be comfortable with. 

 On the job front, I look forward to my interview on Wednesday.  Of
 course, until there is a written offer, I won't know for sure if
 it is going to be a worthwhile opportunity.  I like the idea of
 giving you and the kids some emotional space during the week.  I
 will absolutely do my best to provide that same kind of emotional
 space during the weekend.  I want the time I have with my family 
 to be enjoyable and worthwhile.  I want to behave so that it is
 easy for everyone to allow me to be an active part of the family. 

 Our choices seem to be directed by what we focus our mind on.  I
 hope you will focus on those things I do well and not the pain and
 anger I have helped create.  I want to help you find relief from
 criticism, blame, shame, and sarcasm.  I do not want the kids to
 be afraid of me.  I want you to have the freedom to do what you 
 want to and need to have to grow.  I realize my hang-up with choices
 negates my words.  It is true I can have problems with your choices
 and still love you as a person.  But, as you suggest I need to not
 separate, and to love and admire your choices too.  In the meantime,
 it is a simple fact, I love you." 
 
#607, 26Oct96, Kiss Me With Your Lips and Slap Me With Your Words.
"I love you because you so eloquently made the following statement
 to me: `You want to kiss me with your lips and slap me with your
 words.'  I disagree.  I do not want to slap you with my words.
 However, I can certainly understand where you are coming from,
 especially based on my response to the girls spending Saturday
 night at friends houses, after years of this not being an option.

 I was very upset last night.  As I told you, I had ran and walked
 over to the Barker Reservoir and had yelled at the world, crying
 about how unfair my current circumstance is.  I am sorry I verbally
 attacked you.  I think your words are an accurate summary of how I
 was reacting.  However, I do not want to slap you with my words. 
 I love you.  I have come to realize there is nothing I can do about
 your choice but pray and hope you will soften your heart.  I do not
 agree with the dogmatism of your decision as it currently stands,
 and strongly feel if you follow through on your plans it will be
 very damaging over the next few years; specifically damaging to our
 three kids at home, to you, and, of course, to me. 

 I wish you would use your eloquence to tell me how you feel, what
 you like, what you dream of, things I have done you appreciate, 
 what your dreams are for our children, things you dream of doing,
 how you strive to make those around you happy, what makes you happy,
 those things I can do that you would appreciate, etc.  I appreciate
 how hard you are trying, how nice you are being, and how determined
 you are not to back down.  I hope you will reconsider.  There is no
 question but that this hope is based on the fact I love you." 
 
#608, 27Oct96, Emotional Support.
"I love you because you have cried out for help twice in the last
 two days.  You said, `I understand you want me to help you with
 your emotional problems, but who is going to be there to provide
 me with emotional support.'  As you said Karen can not provide
 this for you.  I believe I am the only person in the world who
 can, at this time, provide you with the emotional support you need.

 As I said to you last night and this morning, I am recommitting 
 myself to providing you with the emotional support you are crying
 out for.  I believe I will find the support I need by providing
 service to you.  It seems like a real answer to me, and I just
 hope I can truly be of some benefit to you.  This will be the
 basis of my conversation with Dr. Aronson tomorrow. 

 As I mentioned, it seems like the first thing that should happen
 is for you to write out all of the times I have hurt you
 (`slapped you with my words'), with the following two specific
 objectives: (1) to get the hurt out in the open so it doesn't
 fester more than it already has; and (2) so I can squarely face
 the mistakes I have made, with no excuse for not knowing what
 they are.  Furthermore, I intend to stop criticizing, blaming,
 shaming, and being sarcastic.  I am assured I will make mistakes. 
 And therefore when (or if) I do, I need you to have a mechanism
 for telling me that I hurt you, whether it be by a look, a
 tone-of-voice, or words.  I promise I will not retaliate.  I need
 to know this, if there is to be any hope of recovering our
 marriage.  I believe the e-mail can be a non-expression,
 non-tone-of-voice, and non-threatening  way of communicating this
 hard information. 

 I realize none of these requests address my need to have a
 mechanism for working through my anger, hurt, and fear.  I would
 appreciate any and all suggestions you may have on these lines. 
 In the mean-time, I will do my best to bury my emotional pains,
 and to only release them in Dr. Aronson's office.

 I appreciated your telling me today that you do not hold anything
 against me.  I especially appreciated when you hugged me and by
 so doing did hold something (yourself) against me.  Please do not
 be so unbending.  Please think about times in your life when 
 people have been so dogmatic with you.  I realize you consider it
 too late.  I do not believe it is too late.  I believe you can
 come to love me again.  I believe this because I have a big ego,
 and because I love you." 
 
#96.44, Sorrowful.
"Well if last week was quiet in family cyberspace, this week was busy.
 Melanie sent me my first e-mail from her (posted as responselet 9643a).
 Paul wrote `Prepare to be destroyed at the game of kings!!!' and now
 has his own chess dialogue page (http://www.walden3d.com/dialog/paul).
 Ben wrote that his and Sarah Johnson's engagement is now official.
 Sarah sent me three e-mails (two of them joke pages), and agreed to
 call me Roice rather than Mr. Nelson.  Roice pointed out inconsistencies
 in how I moved in our chess game and actually came to Houston and spent
 the weekend with us.  It was nice to see him.  Chuck Cluff sent me
 another nice responselet (9643b), and Aunt Luana sent a note saying,
 among other things, `Thanks for the regular thoughtlets.'  But the
 messages that touched me the most were copies of correspondence between
 Roice and a friend of mine, David Devor, in Israel.  

 Roice wrote: `So I decided to live my life based on two of my own personal
 principles, my own personal religion, if you will: 1.  I am going to live
 my life in a manner that, to the best of my abilities, will make me happy.'  

 David responded: `To make happiness the purpose of your life is probably
 the most common and worse decision people make, if that is really what
 you mean. Happiness is truly legitimate and not self-defeating only as a 
 by-product of successfully pursuing a life purpose.  The challenge of life
 is to find our purpose or mission - that which we, in our soul, wish to do
 more than anything else. To decide that one has no such purpose is to
 demonstrate alienation from essence, from feeling. Order you values and
 discover your highest ideal and the fountain from which truly powerful
 feeling flows. I guarantee you that being happy isn't it. As a youth, you
 may be concerned as to whether your life will be happy. Seek and then
 follow your ideals and regardless how tough (or easy) life turns out to be,
 you will be happy. But you can't be really true to yourself until you
 discover who you are.'

 Roice countered: `I have known that I need to be more specific in my
 statement of my life's principles than simply "being happy", and have
 intended for a while to write down what is important to me.  I often
 wonder about purpose, why we feel the need for it, and why it makes us
 happy.  "True Happiness" has also been an ongoing topic of discussion
 between me and my father.  I do think happiness can be used as a
 benchmark for evaluating the progress of our personal values and goals. 
 Prolonged unhappiness might be a reason to reevaluate our beliefs and the
 mission we have set for ourselves.  Do you agree?  I mean, do you think
 our life's purpose is constantly being changed or refined?  I tend to
 think so.  I definitely think discovering who I am is a lifelong process.'

 When Roice and I were alone on Saturday he turned and said, `Dad, what
 are you going to write for your thoughtlet this week?'  I responded I was
 going to write about being sorrowful.  Then the conversation went in other
 directions.  Earlier in the week when I read Roice and David's
 correspondence, Matthew 26:38 came to mind, where the Savior said to some
 of his trusted apostles `I am exceeding sorrowful.'  My thought was, `Why
 is Roice so concerned about being happy?'  `Why does he think we need to 
 happiness is a benchmark for our personal values and goals?'  Then I 
 thought about two books I have recently read: `Lonely, sad, and angry;
 a parent's guide to depression in children and adolescents' and `When
 you worry about the child you love.' 

 Specifically my mind ran to a word `dysthymia,' which is a long-term
 low-order depression with symptoms like low self-esteem, feelings of
 hopelessness, poor concentration, overeating, and difficulty making
 decisions.  I thought of my childhood.  I thought about my parents and
 our family's dysfunctions.  I wondered about my spirit in the
 pre-existence and wondered what sadness I brought to this life with me. 
 I let my mind run across traumatic moments in the meat packing plant,
 like the day I shot the calf I had raised on a milk bottle after it's
 Mother died (the last one run up the chute that day) and going in on the 
 killing floor to hear Bob Goodwin say `I thought I was going to have
 to go out and shoot that one.'  I remembered my calculus teacher at the
 University of Utah pulling me aside and saying `I am very worried about
 you, you can be the best student in the class, and then you become so
 melancholy you don't even function.'  I recalled my mission, and periods
 in Harlow New Town when I felt so alone, when I was the only missionary
 to stand up to `The Prez' saying I didn't think a specific statement he
 made was true, and how he was later disfellowshipped from the Church for
 pretty serious mistakes.  I thought about Ronnie Krinsky, one of my
 fellow trainees at Mobil Oil, saying how he had never met anyone like me,
 someone that always had a frown on his face.  I thought of the excitement
 of starting Landmark, of wanting to share ownership equally, and of
 finding out a few weeks later that it was now 3:1.  I thought of the
 first President's screaming fits.  I thought of the second President's
 screwing the secretary and others.  I thought of the pain associated
 with seeing my business baby, my dream, go ways that deeply hurt.  I
 thought about almost going bankrupt with HyperMedia Corporation, and just
 after the financial success of Landmark Graphics.  I thought of the
 trials tied to pulling out of HyperMedia's $1.4 million dollars in debt. 
 I thought about things I have learned in therapy, and wondered how bad I
 have misdirected Roice's life goals because I am mentally sick, lonely,
 sad, and angry.  I thought about my Mother, how unhappy she is, and
 wondered if she has been depressed since childhood.  I thought about how
 content I am with my professional and religious decisions.  I thought of
 the joy and happiness and fulfillment I have felt as I have actively
 pursued dreams that those around me don't seem to see.  I realized I have
 a sad countenance.  I decided it is not for me to judge others.

 I guess, after reading the correspondence between Roice and David, I
 wanted to write you kids a thoughtlet that says, `Count Your Many
 Blessings.'  Do not focus on my mistakes.  Remember you really do not
 know what has gone on in any other person's life.  Realize your Mom and
 I have done, up to this point, better than our parents did.  You each
 can, and hopefully will, do better than we have done.  Learn from our
 mistakes.  Learn from our physical and mental limitations.  Leapfrog
 these as you find your own mission in life.  Don't worry, be happy.
 Learn that we have a Redeemer, a Savior who loves us and was sorrowful
 for us, and we do not need to be sorrowful as we come to truly know him.
 And even if we are sorrowful, sorrow, as this life, is but for a minute
 in the space-time continuum of eternity.  Choose to the best of your
 ability, live life to the fullest and you will be content, will even
 find times of pure joy and happiness in this life, and are guaranteed to
 be full of joy and happiness on the other side of the vail." 
 
#609, 28Oct96, List.
"I love you because you made a list of grievances, fears, and the
 basis of your anger.  Thank you.  I know you didn't want to write
 these things down.  I wish I would have created an environment 
 where you felt safe to express your fears and anger when the event
 that caused them occurred.  Hopefully, whatever happens, we can 
 create this kind of an environment on a go forward basis.

 As I contemplate your list, I feel like our relationship has
 `gone down' with an emotional ebola virus.  I see our grievances
 as the snakes bulging out of the cells of the spleen, and it is
 easy to loose hope.  Then I recall that EQ, unlike IQ, is a not
 set at birth.  We can always improve our emotional intelligence. 
 Hopefully by exposing the snakes on your list to the light of day
 they will die, and the virus will prove to be as inert to our
 marriage as the Reston Ebola turned out to be to humans.  

 It hurts me tremendously to realize that you were afraid of me in
 1976 and 1978.  I realize how much I have consistently looked beyond
 the mark.  I am sorry.  I do find hope in the facts you are smart,
 you evaluate facts (like the impossibility of reading someone else's
 mind), and that you know how consistently wrong I have been in
 attempting to read your mind.  I have known for a long time there
 was something wrong.  Pride and ego have kept me from recognizing
 my own part in the problems.  It is too easy for me to look outward
 instead of inward.  I truly am sorry for the pain I have caused you. 

 I went for a bike ride from 4:45 to 6:15 last night to cry and try
 to reconcile what has happened to my dreams and aspirations with
 reality.  I rode down the bike trail by Maudeen's to where the
 stop sign is along Westheimer Parkway.  I turned the corner where
 where I could see the cars go by at 5:20 and about a quarter of
 a mile down that road I saw what looked like your car go by.  I
 wanted to run, stop the car, grab you, hold you, and tell you how
 much I love you and how much I want to do the right thing for you.
 It was not possible.  I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.
 I stopped at the bridge and looked in the muddy water of Buffalo
 Bayou and wondered if I should ride Rob's bike over the railing
 and into the water.  Maybe in such a way that I hit my head on the
 cement railing.  But I realized, like divorce, this option is just
 running away, and that I don't run away from my problems.  I face
 them with all the integrity I can, and do my best to believe in
 others and solve the problems at hand.  Sort of like pulling the
 interpretation project in Zhuo Zhou out of the ditch.  As you say,
 I believe anything is possible if we work hard enough at it.

 As I continued my ride I saw a big beautiful buck with a gigantic
 rack of antlers (gigantic for the Texas jackrabbit sized deer), a
 pair of does in the far distance, and a really large raccoon. 
 Seeing God's hand in the beauty of wild and free animals, removed
 the despair and I began again feeling like there can and should
 continue to be hope.  I likened the animals to your need for
 freedom in order to blossom and become your own person, not just
 the wind beneath my wings.  Then as I finally got back over by the
 house, crossed Kingsland, and attempted to jump the curb to get on
 the running trail, the bike buckled, and I rolled on my shoulder
 on the grass.  It was a mistake for someone as fat as I am to
 attempt to lift up the front of the bike and jump the curb.  Not
 necessarily a sin, unless the choice was based on the pride and
 self-assurance of my youth, but definitely a mistake.  I put
 Ben-Gay on my shoulder when I got home, but it still hurts this
 morning.  Mistakes do hurt, but the sore muscles heal, just as I
 believe the ego bruises and the pain I have cause can heal.  I
 realize you feel they can only heal outside the marriage, but
 I disagree.  I believe the emotional ebola virus that has infected
 our marriage will die as we bring it into the light of day.

 I was sorry to see you so tired when you got home.  I appreciate
 you letting me rub your shoulders and your body.  I especially
 appreciated the kiss as I left to take Rob to his music lesson.
 Again it gave me hope.  I realize this is the last thing you
 wanted me to feel, but thanks for letting down your guard and
 for expressing thanks for my rubbing your neck and back with a
 kiss.  I continue to hope for another chance, because I love you." 
 
#610, 29Oct96, Duty.
"I love you because you told me the reason you continued to have
 our children, even when you feared me, was because you were `doing
 what you were suppose to do,' doing your duty.  I find great hope
 in your recognition that you were being patient, long-suffering,
 kind, and putting up with my pride, anger, and controlling nature
 because you were doing what you were suppose to do. 

 The reason I find hope in this is because you have told me that 
 the only thing that brings you joy now is our kids.  We would
 not have those kids if you ran away from our problems back in 
 1976 or 1978.  I think of my Mom calling me Monday night at 1:00
 in the morning, saying `I am lonely.'  I think of the pain in
 her life, and in my Dad's life, and then I think what would have
 happened to her if she would have run away from the marriage in
 1968, and had her stroke on her own without the support Dad,
 in his limited way, was able to provide because he was committed
 to do his duty.  I realize this might be the wrong example to
 bring up, specifically because it is what you fear more than
 anything: that I will become more like my Mother, and will do
 nothing but cause pain to those around me, specifically to you.
 Your fear is valid.  Likewise my belief that I can learn enough
 emotional control of my anger to make this fear invalid is also
 real.  I do not believe divorce is the only way to protect 
 yourself and our kids.  I have changed.  I will continue to
 change.  Please project how much I have changed since 1976
 to how much I will change by 2016.  I want to enjoy our Grandkids
 with you.  It is my duty to do everything I can to accomplish
 this goal.  It is enduring to the end.  It does bring joy, even
 though the journey is very hard.

 In fact it is much more than doing what I am suppose to do.  It
 is following my conscience, it is the ultimate expression of my
 love, and it is the right thing to do.  As we talk about the
 costs of various choices over the next few days, please cite your
 mind forward, please remember our version of Lloyd and Luana's
 family picture, and please count the benefits of various choices
 we jointly evaluate.  I am doing my duty, but I really do love you." 
 
#611, 30Oct96, Austin.
"I love you because you are considering postponing your plans.
 I am professionally quite excited about the opportunity in
 Austin.  More importantly, I believe the emotional space my
 being in Austin will provide is one of the reasons you are
 considering waiting until after Melanie's school is out and
 hopefully until after you return from New Hampshire to proceed
 with your plans.  In addition to this job allowing me to keep
 our family together a little longer, with the associated
 possibility this extra time will let you to see I can learn and
 change and be loved by you, the job is a technically exciting
 opportunity.

 The drive to Austin was very pretty.  I find it quite relaxing
 to get out on the road and enjoy nature.  I did get off a little
 late because I couldn't get the network to work and Rob refused
 to let me take him to school.  I am sorry I was so upset about
 Rob using the Sun workstation the night before.  I was able to
 get the Sun working before I left, although I will need to get
 someone in to look at the PC and Macintoshes.  I printed the
 files I needed and called Karen who agreed to take Rob to school.
 I was about 40 minutes late getting to the Pickle Research
 Laboratory, which is the same Research Campus our Roice works at. 

 The Director, Dr. Noel Tyler, and one of his three Associate
 Directors, Dr. Raymond Levey and my new boss, were waiting for me. 
 I missed the overview of the Bureau, but the rest of the day was
 pretty much according to the schedule.  The Bureau of Economic
 Geology has one of the largest geotechnical data and information
 depositories in the world.  There are tremendous opportunities to
 use all of this data in unique and new ways.  I took with me an
 example of a seismic interpretation project I worked up recently.
 They were almost too impressed.  At the end of the day I met with
 Noel and Ray again.  Considering they are a state agency, their
 offer was flattering.  Although it is contract and the six-month 
 test that does not include any medical benefits, it is sufficient
 to be able to keep at the salary level we were at for the first
 9 months of this year.  After being assured that it was ok not
 having a PhD. I accepted the offer.  Then we talked at some length
 about future possibilities and the potential of the B.E.G. 
 Hopefully I did not scare them off with my wild thinking.  It was
 a very good discussion.

 I went and got Roice and we had dinner at a Chile's.  It was nice.
 We had a good conversation about remembering and forgetting.  He
 really seems to have liked that book I gave him.  The drive back
 was an uneventful 2 1/2 hours.  I was glad to be home, even if
 I'm not sure how welcome I was.  It was interesting to listen to
 you encourage Rob not to drop out of band and how it will be for
 his own good to hang in there.  His planning horizon is not long
 enough for him to see the consequences of quitting a few weeks 
 before the semester is over.  I feel exactly the same way with
 regards to sticking with our marriage.  I really believe we can
 and will have a lot of fun together once we get through the 
 differences in our approaches to raising children.  Furthermore,
 I believe I can see the value of your approach and can change to
 accommodate your needs and desires for our children without 
 compromising my principles and integrity.  Furthermore, I want to
 do this because I love you." 
 
#612, 31Oct96, Dallas.
"I love you because you bring back such lovely memories to me.
 What do I mean?  Let me describe my day.

 It was really nice of Bill Resley to buy the plane tickets to
 Dallas and pay for the rental car and lunch.  It was so much
 more relaxing than it would have been to have left at 4:15 AM
 and to have driven to Dallas and then to have tried to be back
 to go to the Opera with you.  As it was there was fog and the
 planes were delayed, but we just caught an earlier flight that
 left at the same time ours was susppose to. 

 As we flew into Love Field I was overcome with memories of 
 flying into Love from Mobil trips, specifically when I worked
 in Field Operations.  I was looking for our first cottage on
 Hannover Lane.  Love Field has changed a lot, but the rental
 car place was at Mockingbird and Lemmon Avenue.  I remembered
 all of the times we went by that intersection and I longed to
 go back and be more aware of what was going on around me.  
 Then we drove over to the Tollroad and went north to Plano.
 We passed Lover's Lane, Walnut Hill Lane, and I recalled the
 drive to Plano to visit Uncle Lloyd and Aunt Luana for a
 Saturday or Thanksgiving.  It was all I could do to keep from
 crying with the memory flood.

 The meeting with Arco went very well.  It was in the building
 next to where I interviewed at when I was about to leave Mobil
 in 1978.  Hopefully we will get a prototype project going in
 a couple of months.  The meeting at Mobil was less worthwhile.
 Mobil is so well positioned, but the employees that are left
 are survivors and have lost all initiative and willingness to
 do anything that would allow them to be noticed.  It reminded
 me of how frustrated I was and how glad I left and how much I
 appreciated you supporting me with this hard decision.
  
 The flight back was uneventful.  Bill and I were separated and
 I slept.  It was so much better than driving.  We landed at 4:30
 and I stopped at the VETL to make sure about this stuff I am 
 doing for them at the SEG in Denver.  As I left the radio said
 there was a big wreck on I-10 and I cut across town to I-610 and
 tried to go around it.  It was worse.  It took until 6:10 to get
 to I-10, and then I just made it home at 7:00.  Again I was glad
 we didn't try to drive.  It was good to see you talking to your 
 Mom.  I was sorry to hear about her breast cancer. 

 I am particularly sorry you had such a hard night.  I quite
 enjoyed Tosca, my first Grand Opera in Houston.  I look forward
 to going to other operas with you.  Thank you particularly for
 the memories from Dallas.  I hope you will always remember the
 good times we had there.  I love you." 
 
#613, 01Nov96, Houston.
"I love you because you moved to Houston with me, supporting me in
 my career change, when it was about the last thing you wanted to
 do.  I realize the move was very hard on you, and as I look back
 over the landscape of our time in Houston I realize you have not
 bounced back from that move.  I am so sorry I was too involved in 
 meeting my own ego needs and did not stop enough to consider and 
 to recognize your needs.  Houston has been hard on you and hard on
 our relationship.  You basically tell me our relationship is dead
 and can not be revived.  I hope and pray you are wrong.  

 I draw my hope from unlikely places.  Like the business card of
 the first person Bill Resley and I visited Friday morning, which
 says on the front:
      E. J. Witterholt
      External Technology
      Sr. Merchant of Light
      BP Exploration
 and says on the back:
      For the several employments and offices of our
      fellows, we have twelve that sail into foreign countries . . .
      who bring us the books and abstracts, and patterns
      of experiments of all other parts.
      These we call Merchants of light.
      Sir Francis Bacon (describing his laboratory "Salomon's House")

 As I listened to Ed Witterholt and Ed Stossel at BP talk about their
 latest quest: Operation Deep Look, I thought of my quest to encourage
 you to love me again.  I know they are both possible quests.  

 Then we visited Woody Nestvold at IBM, the former Chief Geophysicist
 and `Godfather' at Shell in The Hague.  Woody has retired from one of
 the most powerful jobs in our industry and he still has a life.  He has
 found life after Shell.  I realize I can not force your mind, and I
 realize there will be life after Marti, if my hopes and prayers are
 in vain.  I hope it turns out to be life after Houston with Marti.

 Then we went to Pennzoil and met with Mike Paget and a team of about
 12 others.  It was really neat to see their excitement, and I realized
 what a good job Bill had done of packaging our ideas about the Knowledge
 Backbone and Knowledge Management.  I hope that somehow someone is going
 to help me package me so I can recreate the same kind of excitement for
 me you had when I got home from my mission in you again.  I realize I
 need to be that someone, and I am hoping that the emotional space of
 being in Austin will help me to find the words and the actions to breathe
 regeneration into our relationship.

 Then we had a meeting with Terry Smith, Susan Helgeson, Sam LeRoy, and
 Rhonda Hartmann.  As I listened to them go through the entrepreneurial
 discussions of starting a new business, I thought about starting our
 marriage.  I wished I would have kept my eye on the ball better, and
 realized my part in your unhappiness.  But I can not redo those mistakes
 anymore than I can redo HyperMedia Corporation.  I just have to go
 forward, and hopefully can find a path we can travel together.

 Rob had Brad come over to the house, and the three of us went to see
 the movie `Larger Than Life.'  It was funny, but probably more my kind
 of movie than yours.  I missed sharing popcorn with you.  I missed
 hearing your chuckles and groans at bad acting and impossible story
 lines.  I missed your reaction to the beautiful photography in the
 Rocky Mountain portion of the getting the elephant from Maryland to
 California.  I missed having you with me because I love you." 
 
#614, 02Nov96, Huntsville.
"I love you because you took the time to take Paul out to dinner
 during your seminar in Huntsville.  I am glad you decided to wait
 to tell him about your plans.  I think it is very important to 
 see how we both feel after we have the emotional space tied to
 the work induced separation, where I am in Austin and you are in
 Houston.  It is particularly neat to hear he is fun and having
 fun and to have the impression you really enjoyed going out to
 dinner with him.

 We had a pretty quite day in Houston.  I woke up to a wet dream
 and was not sure what to think.  So I went for a run and read
 the paper.  I fixed french toast for Rob and Brad Shaw, and
 for Sara and Carrie Brock.  They all sang Happy Birthday to Rob,
 and he crawled under the table with embarrassment.  I dropped Rob
 off at bowling and went and mailed your package. Went back and
 watched the rest of his games.  He did pretty good.  Then Rob and
 I took Melanie, Sara, and Carrie to Happy Town for lunch.  When
 we came back Carrie was looking at my painting in the music room
 and asking questions of Sara.  Sara got a set of the prints, and 
 asked me to explain the symbolism to Carrie.  She was really
 touched.  I cried as I tried to explain the eternal nature of
 families as is depicted in several of the paintings.  They both
 laughed at me.  Oh well.  Later I met with Terry Smith and then
 I vegged out and watched the John Wayne movie `A Man From Utah.'

 It was good to see you when you got home from Huntsville.  It was
 nice to have a hug and a kiss.  I felt like you liked it also.  I
 was impressed with your description of the 4:00 lecture and the
 father that wrote a letter about content.  I want to be the kind
 of father you described.  I know Satan exists and that he will do
 anything he can to distract us from doing right.  I believe that 
 if you know one has a tendency towards compulsive behavior it is
 better not to feed your mind things like pornography.  However, if
 it is in the house, I firmly agree it is much better to have it
 out in the open and to talk about it as you described.  This is not
 the natural thing for me to do.  But I can learn.  I want to learn.
 I need you to help me learn. This is one more reason I love you." 
 
#615, 03Nov96, Something You Want.
"I love you because you told me this morning when I asked for a
 birthday kiss, `I would like to give you something you want.'
 Thanks for the kiss and the hug.  It was definitely something I
 wanted, and again I felt like you enjoyed it also.  In fact it
 seemed to make my whole day go much better than normal.  When 
 Melanie and I got home from church, it was so nice to listen to
 you playing the piano and then the harp.  I was lulled to sleep
 on the floor of the music room.  All day I kept remembering
 back to the morning and sitting against the office desk and
 holding you close to me and thinking about how much I love you." 
 
#96.45, Decision Process.
"As each of you kids now know, I interviewed for and accepted a job in
 Austin this week.  I will be working as a contract seismic interpreter
 for at least the next six months at The Bureau of Economic Geology. 
 I have a technical Annual Report describing the kind of work done there
 if any of you want to review it.  You can also check the B.E.G. out on
 the World-Wide-Web at http://www.utexas.edu/research/beg/.  The idea is
 to work 4 days a week in Austin and spend 4 nights a week in Houston. 
 However, it will be 5 and 6 day weeks for November and December and
 possibly beyond.  I am very excited about the work.  It is particularly
 nice to be able to go out to dinner each week with Roice and get to
 know him better.  When we went to dinner on Wednesday, he was less than
 ecstatic about last week's Thoughtlet, specifically because I did not
 include his last response to David Devor in Israel, which was:

 `Thank you again for some wonderful comments!  The responses about my
 two personal principles particularly got my mind going, and I think
 you are very right.  I had a conversation with a friend a few months
 ago about job searching and setting personal career goals.  He said
 something very similar to what you said below, although in a different
 context.  Both sets of comments, I think, opened my eyes somewhat.  He
 was talking about the importance of making a personal mission statement. 
 He asserted that this statement should be specific and based on the
 talents and abilities of the individual.  He also made the comment that
 this statement of one's main career goal should not be something like
 "to make money", which in our discussion is analogous to the goal
 "to be happy."  Like happiness, money is a byproduct of following a
 more specific and purposeful mission statement.'

 Someday I hope Roice and each of the rest of you come to know how proud
 I am of this kind of thinking.  Yesterday, when talking with a long-time
 friend and the fifth employee (first non-founder employee) of Landmark
 Graphics, Terry Smith, he brought up the concept of our individual
 decision process.  In light of the process Roice described, which is
 quoted above, it seems appropriate to share some thoughts about how I
 make decisions.  Because the first Thoughtlet, #96.38, was `Decide' it
 seems like the decision process is becoming a common theme or thread in
 the fabric of these Thoughtlets.  This is probably because our family
 is at a stage where we are making significant decisions which can impact
 us and those around us for the next 40-80 years.  Roice's searching for a
 purposeful personal mission statement, Ben and Sarah's decision to get
 engaged, Paul's decision to go on a mission, Melanie's upcoming decision
 as to where to go to college, Sara's every morning decision about
 seminary, and Rob's decisions about music, friends, and chores are all
 examples of small decisions with significant consequences.  

 On the negative end of the decision process spectrum, sometimes I do not
 make decisions.  Rather, I react.  You know when this has happened, and
 hopefully this is an area you will each choose to be better than I have. 
 I have done a lot better the last few years, but there is no question
 about how damaging the fallout from strong emotional reactions from
 the past can be.  

 Thank goodness there is the other end of the spectrum; i.e. those times
 where a decision has been pondered in my mind, prayed and fasted about,
 advice sought from those who have been faced with a similar decision,
 the fruits of what has happened to those who have made a similar
 decision under similar circumstances have been evaluated, the options
 discussed with those to be effected by the decision, and then doing my
 best to weigh all of these points in order to make what appears to be
 the best choice.  The decision to take an out of town consulting job is
 closer to this end of the spectrum than to the emotional reaction end.

 One of the things I have come to realize, especially over the last 5
 years, is that I do not have a very high EQ (Emotional Quotient).  A
 lot of key decisions in my life have seemed to revolve around emotional
 issues.  One of the things I have found useful to do to get around this
 personal limitation is to identify what the end result or goal of a
 particular decision is and to keep focused on minimizing actions that
 keep this goal from being achieved. 

 I remember when Aaron Boyce was my Home Teaching companion and none of
 the new Green Trails subdivision sections were yet built.  We went out
 there and used the empty roads as a place to teach Aaron how to drive. 
 An analogy was made to his life, where the roads were compared to 
 letting the church be the basic plan of how he would lead his life.  
 If you will, the Young Men's program, a mission, a temple marriage,
 active participation in church callings, raising a family, providing
 service through Home Teaching, doing genealogical research, and
 generally being active provide the infrastructure for his life similar
 to how the roads would someday (and now have) provide(d) a framework to
 the new sections of Green Trails. 

 Creating a life plan like this and then sticking to it means the roads
 do not have to be dug up, rebuilt, and then further modified.  It also
 means you don't have to make as many decisions, and are less likely to
 make emotional decisions that can deeply hurt those around you.  Of
 specific importance is the fact this kind of `subdivision plat' can be
 laid out in advance, when there is not an emotional crisis or hurt
 feelings distorting the decision process.  I encourage you to all think
 about what is really important to you, what is your personal mission
 statement, and then act to achieve that goal. 

 My personal mission statement is `To continue to make a difference.'
 There are too many specific goals tied to this general heading, and
 I am going to use some of the evening time in Austin over the next
 couple of months to re-evaluate and simplify my goals.  I realize more
 and more the difference will largely be accomplished through the
 lives of you, my children, and thus there is a great desire to help
 you with Thoughtlets and opportunities.  I encourage you to go back
 and reread Thoughtlet #96.38, and to simply decide to build a solid
 decision process to help identify and maximize what makes you happy
 and brings you feelings of success.  Although it is never too late to
 do this, it will be a great blessing in your life if you do this in
 your youth and hold to the decision process like an iron rod leading
 on a pathway through mists of darkness." 
 
#616, 04Nov96, Is Something Wrong?
"I love you because you asked me, as you were ready to leave this
 morning, `Is something wrong?'  I greatly appreciate the concern.
 I am sorry I responded so emotionally.  I feel completely out of
 control in my own house.  I feel neutered.  I feel like my children
 are not getting the guidance and help they need.  I do not know how
 to do anything other than `get out of here' and let people learn from
 their own choices.  It tears me up to know what is being missed by
 Sara at seminary, and Rob at school because of their mental attitudes.
 I really appreciate your being there for them and hope you can find
 ways to encourage Rob to do his homework, go to sleep, and get up
 on time in the mornings.  Similarly, to help Sara motivate herself
 to get up and go to seminary and to keep a balance in her life. 
 In the meantime, I will watch, as best as I can from a distance, and
 hope that this is a way of showing you how much I love you." 
 
#617, 05Nov96, Jerk.
"I love you because you brought the kids back to meet with Sherry Gil.
 I am sorry it didn't go better.  I heard her call Rob a jerk, and I
 thought she recovered nicely saying she said he was `acting like a
 jerk.'  Rob used the word jerk in an e-mail to me Monday night.  I
 believe he used the word in the session with Sherry Gil before she
 did.  It tears me up so much to see this kind of name calling such
 a part of our family, mostly because I realize I am or have been
 the source of most of it (it doesn't matter if it was intentional or
 unintentional).  I agree that there were several different mixed
 objectives for the session.  Hopefully when you go back without me
 you will have a better meeting.  I hope you heard my concern about
 childhood depression.  I am not trying to point fingers.  I accept
 my significant responsibility.  I do feel it is unfair for me to
 take or have placed on me all of the responsibility for our family's
 dysfunctions.  But I am certainly willing to take on all of the
 responsibility of being the ultimate jerk if it can lead to healing
 and keep our family together.  Hopefully with me out of the picture
 during the week it will be easier to quantify and/or qualify how
 much my contribution is.  Please pass on specifics.  I love you." 
 
#618, 06Nov96, Olive Garden.
"I love you because you have, for the most part, been around to 
 eat dinner with.  After work on Wednesday I drove to south Austin
 to pick up my cellular phone and ended up eating alone at the Olive
 Garden next to the GTE MobilNet store.  It was no fun to eat alone.
 There was no one else in the restaurant alone.  There was a couple
 about our age with their 3 year old granddaughter next to me.  It
 was so much fun to watch them.  It tore me apart inside.  Then a
 couple came in with two girls, the older of which was tearing into
 her little sister: `Why did you have to bring her?  I hate being
 seen in public with her!'  Etc.  I ate my calimari fettuccine very
 quickly and left fearing my own future.  At least I have memories
 of all of the nice dinners we have had together, and one of the
 things about memories is I can play the good ones over and over 
 and over in my mind.  Maybe this is what eternity is.  Maybe these
 memories of the good times are how I have truly learned how much
 I love you." 
 
#619, 07Nov96, Roice's Tattoo.
"I love you because you protect our children.  I was very
 disappointed to find out about Roice's tattoo.  It also hurt to know
 he has shown it to you and you have not shared it with me.  It 
 makes me wonder what other secrets there are.  Well, like the
 tattoo, they will all come out in the open some day.  It might not
 be until the judgment day, but they will all come out.  Hopefully
 I will act as well as I did with Roice, when I learn about other
 secrets.  I am so sorry that I have created an environment where
 it has been felt necessary to hide and sneak.  I wish I had the
 tools of a Ron Burgerner, where I could sit down with my kids and
 talk about the only real thing we have complete control of, our
 bodies, how they are the temple of God, how it hurts us if we
 defile them with drugs, or purposeful marring of them, etc.  But I
 don't, and so I just feel sorry for myself, feel like a failure for
 not teaching basic concepts, and want to crawl in a hole and hide.
 Maybe this insecurity is my big sin.  Well, I will do my best to
 share my ideals and thoughts in a positive way, even if it is too
 late.  Guess it is sort of like telling you how much I love you." 
 
#620, 08Nov96, Are You Crying?
"I love you because you asked me Friday morning `Are you crying?'
 I had just gone for a very slow run up and down the hills of Austin
 around the Holiday Inn where I stayed.  It was really different
 from running (and walking) around the block at home.  I have been
 keeping the cellular phone with me all of the time, hoping someone
 will want to call me and tell me they miss me.  Because I have been
 stuffed up, and because I am afraid of flying with clogged ears from
 of pain I have had in the past, it seemed logical to take the phone
 off of my running shorts and call home to ask if there is any
 penicillin pills at the house.  But really I called with the hope of
 hearing some words of care and concern and to say I love you." 
 
#621, 09Nov96, Bowling and Driving.
"I love you because you trust our kids.  Sara had three friends
 spend the night.  Rob stayed at Brad's.  It was Brad's birthday
 yesterday.  Melanie spent the night with Maria.  They lost their
 last football game 38 to 15.  The cheerleaders were pretty emotional 
 about the whole thing.  Lots of pictures.  Didn't want to leave the
 stadium.  But it didn't take long to get ready to go to Maria's.  
 I took Sara and her three friends to McDonald's and it cost $15. 
 This morning I went for a run, folded, washed, and dried clothes,
 went to Scott Bowman's to borrow his Portable PowerPC for the SEG,
 and got back to the house just in time for bowling and driving.
 I got the girls up, called Rob, and quickly made some french toast.
 Melanie had been warned and she took Sara, and Sara's friends home.
 I took Rob to bowling and dropped him off.  I went to a store and
 bought some pajama's that fit, 2 white shirts, 1 blue shirt, 5 pair
 of black sockings, and 3 handkerchiefs.  I was upset the other day
 when I saw on my Macintosh the Quicken files open with $500 worth of
 clothes charged to Roice.  I believe you told me those clothes and
 shoes cost $275.  Well I spent a little over $115 today, and put it
 on your credit card.  I guess that no matter what happens, the $125
 misrecorded above doesn't make much difference.  I guess what is 
 important is that I do continue to trust you with complete control
 of our finances, that you trust our kids (and hopefully I am learning
 to do this better), and, most important to me, the fact I love you." 
 
#622, 10Nov96, Sabbath.
"I love you because you have honored my efforts to observe the
 Sabbath over the years.  It is hard to quantify the benefits
 this has had, specifically since we have not done positive things
 on the Sabbath, and our kids now just want to go off and do what
 their friends are doing.  Hopefully, at some time down the road,
 in 15 or 20 years, they will have a recollection of what we tried
 to teach them about the Sabbath.  If not, I believe the rest and
 meditation time on Sundays has still been time better spent than
 time doing recreational activities. 

 With every event we each see different things.  For instance, on
 Friday someone tore up a cartoon I had on my wall.  It showed a
 dog talking to a fire hydrant saying `This silent treatment has
 gone on long enough.'  In the next panel he says `In order for
 us to have a healthy relationship, we have to communicate better.' 
 Then he says `Hey, are you even listening to me?!!  You know you
 don't have to be so cold!!'  Then his female owners say `He's
 yelling at it ... Now he's crying to it ...  Wait, now he's
 hugging it ...'  And the male owner says `I'm calling the vet.'
 My guess is God watches our (read that `my') Sabbath activities,
 and feels like he is talking to a fire hydrant.  

 In terms of our relationship, you have said to me this last week
 that in effect I am a fire hydrant when it comes to acknowledging
 your feelings.  As I have contemplated this statement this last
 week, I had the image of a mirror come to my mind.  When one looks
 in the mirror and despises what they see each day, they can either
 grow to ignore what they see or they can change what they see.
 I believe this is what you have done, relative to your weight.  It
 seems to me that marriage is much like a mirror.  In many ways our
 partner reflects back our emotional image.  If I am a fire hydrant,
 the analogy is that other people's emotions have as much effect on
 me the dog did to the fire hydrant.  That is until the tap is 
 loosened and the flood bursts forth.  I can understand how much
 you wish to avoid the mirror of our marriage because when you see
 yourself it is through the distorted mirror of my insecurities and
 emotional unstability.  No one wants to see themselves in such a
 negative and distorted way.  We can either break the mirror, fix the
 distortions (emotional unintelligence is not unfixable and can be
 relearned), or filter the image so we see ourselves as we really are.

 In many ways this is similar to how we treat our relationship with
 our creator and His Sabbath.  We can ignore the Sabbath, find
 positive things to do on the Sabbath, or make sure we keep the
 Sabbath in our own heart.  I am going to go to an SEG committee
 meeting tomorrow morning in Denver, and not trying to go to any
 church meetings.  I'm sure this is partly in response to Monday's
 session with Sherry Gill.  I do not think my efforts to keep and
 teach our family to keep the Sabbath have been misdirected.  However,
 maybe I have been too much of a fire hydrant.  Too fixed.  Maybe it
 is too late to change anything.  I hope not because I love you." 
 
#96.46, Integrity 2.
"I am leaving for Denver this afternoon for the annual SEG Convention
 (Society of Exploration Geophysicists) and so I am sending this week's
 thoughtlet a day early.  Marti, Rob, Sara, and I had a discussion on
 Tuesday before I left for Austin, two e-mails came in, there were three
 chess moves made on three different games (which I have yet to respond
 to), I had a nice dinner and conversation with Roice in Austin, and I
 made the last quarter of Melanie's last football game as a Taylor 
 High School cheerleader (after driving back from Austin) this week -
 all of which got me thinking about integrity.

 First the e-mails.  Darrell sent me a note that said `Roice, I signed
 up to a personal e-mail address so I would be sure not to misuse state
 resources.  nkrueger@luminet.net.  Thank you for letting me participate
 in your life.  Darrell.'  Chuck sent me a note that included: `So if
 you suffer from a low EQ (as I do), you could make a new choice. Raise it.'

 It may seem to you kids that these are unrelated thoughts, but to me
 they are directly related to integrity.  Over my career I have been
 referred to as being `promiscuously' honest.  In other words I say more
 than I need to in many situations.  I lay everything out on the table.
 I am willing to write about very personal things in e-mails and copy
 family members I don't really know.  I have always felt that this was
 a sign of integrity.  When I started at a State of Texas job on
 Wednesday, I met with the Bureau of Economics' lawyer and discussed using
 state computers for e-mail, remote logging on to my computers in Houston
 using Bureau computers, using data I find at the Bureau (which is in the
 public domain) to pursue personal business opportunities, etc.  I have
 always gone overboard to not even appear to have a conflict of interest
 in these circumstances.  Then I react to something Roice tells me, or
 how Melanie feels about her last game, or Sara wanting to take her
 friends out for a midnight dinner, and I realize my low EQ keeps me from
 having, in my personal life, the same kind of integrity I strive so hard
 to have in my professional life.

 So where is the balance?  Each of you kids are going to be given
 `opportunities' to cheat on a test, copy someone else's work, steal a
 candy bar, or do something else that is obviously dishonest.  I believe
 you have been properly taught what is right and if you choose this you
 also choose the consequences.  In a very real sense this is the easy way
 to loose your integrity.  As you grow older, you will find yourselves
 in circumstances like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  There will be
 two `opportunities' and you get to choose between them.  None of us will
 always make the right choices.  We each have a nature and a nurture
 overprint on our choices which means we will sometimes react instead of
 act.  How we react to our reactions is the subtle way to lose integrity.

 Look at those things those around you do, then  in your own lives
 consciously emulate the choices you approve of and avoid the choices you
 disapprove of.  It seems to me that all we can really do is strive to
 do better than our parents.  If we do this, it won't be very many
 generations before we have created our own Garden of Eden.  A place 
 where there can be true integrity in every aspect of our life." 
 
#623, 11Nov96, SEG.
"I love you because you have gone to many SEG Conventions with me
 in the past.  I know you do not enjoy seeing people you do not know,
 and I have strived to minimize the pain for you.  But I have good
 memories of the professional conventions we have gone to.  There was
 the time Alistair Brown got you dancing and you really seemed to
 enjoy it.  My jealously and the hurt over realizing I don't do many
 things near as well as others has been a big barrier to you enjoying
 these conventions.  I am sorry for my weaknesses.  I hope that
 someday you will be able to see them as such, namely weaknesses,
 forgive me, and realize how much I love you." 
 
#624, 12Nov96, Silicon Graphics.
"I love you because you have been able to put up with my visual
 obsessions for so many years.  In some ways, this SEG convention
 in Denver is like the SEG convention in New Orleans when Evans &
 Sutherland paid me to come down and teach their sales people how
 to interact with the audience.  The difference is that this time
 Silicon Graphics is paying for my travel and living expenses.  I
 am going as the representative of the VETL because Bowen Loftin
 could not make Denver.  I will be there with `Toy Story,' `Jurassic
 Park,' Landmark Graphics' `EarthCube,' GeoQuest's `GeoVis' and other
 Silicon Graphics created visualization worlds.  I do so much better
 in these artificial world than the real world of those I care so
 much about.  I am sorry I try too hard, and don't seem to have the
 tools to meet your needs.  Please give me time to show that I can
 increase my E.Q. and be a better husband and father.  I want to,
 because I love you." 
 
#625, 13Nov96, IBM.
"I love you because you were with me when I got CDC to be the
 initial investor in Landmark Graphics Corporation.  Now I am
 working with IBM, Deep Look (a British Petroleum consortium),
 The Bureau of Geophysical Prospecting, and The Virtual Environment
 Technology Laboratory.  I continue to drown my disappointment and
 anger and sorrow in my work.  If you can help me find a more
 useful approach I will really appreciate it.  The iron rod of my 
 life is the fact that I have someone I can love, and even if it
 is from afar, I love you." 
 
#626, 14Nov96, BEG.
"I love you because you have been positive about me working in
 Austin at the BEG and giving you a little bit of emotional space.
 I am very excited about the technical work.  It is a nice research
 laboratory, with all of the support resources I have needed for 
 some of my wild ideas for years.  No matter what happens on a 
 personal front I believe this has been a very good move for me.
 Thank you for being a catalyst to get me to consider something
 like this.  I love you." 
 
#627, 15Nov96, Corpoven.
"I love you because you have supported my international efforts
 for so many years.  I am working for Corpoven at the BEG.  This
 is one of the three large Venezuelan oil companies.  The project
 is interesting geology in the eastern part of the country.  I am
 a `mentor' to a young female Corpoven geophysicist, Marel Sanchez.
 She is very competent on the Landmark, but I have still been able
 to help her with several parts of her project.  In addition, there
 are three geologists, two petroleum engineers, and the BEG support
 staff working on this integrated multidisciplinary interpretation
 project.  I will be going to Venezuela in January to help present
 the results of the project.  The technical work is exciting and
 keeps me very busy during the day.  However, I miss you and I miss
 the kids in the evening.  Maybe I can use the time to figure how
 how to show you all, when we are together, how much I love you." 
 
#628, 16Nov96, Shoes.
"I love you because you bought me new shoes and new pants a few weeks
 ago.  This came to mind as we sat in the movie theater on Friday
 evening, I took my shoes off, and you asked (with what sounded like
 real and deep concern) `Do they hurt your feet?'  They are new shoes
 and they have not been completely broken in yet.  It just felt like
 me feet needed to breathe and so I took the shoes off.  I like them
 very much, and I will remember each time I put them on that, even
 though you feel a need to escape from me right now, you were willing
 to go buy me new shoes.  I hope and pray that before they wear out
 you will find yourself, feel comfortable in being with me, and be
 there to buy me a new pair of shoes. 

 In the meantime, I hope that you will continue to be my friend and
 go to movies like Barbara Striesand's `The Mirror Has Two Faces.' 
 I really enjoyed this movie.  Unlike you I do take movies personally.
 It gives me hope that I can permanently change sufficient for you
 to be satisfied to be with me.  I realize that this will not happen
 until after you find yourself, become extroverted again, and do not
 feel you have to be self-conscious about every choice.  As you go
 through this personal evaluation and continue on your version of
 everyone's trek to `ever learn' I hope and pray you will `come to a
 knowledge of the truth.'  When you do, I will be there to share in
 the joy of your discovery, like the joy in a new pair of shoes,
 because I love you." 
 
#629, 17Nov96, Freedom.
"I love you because you opened up to me this morning after I read
 some of the backlog of `Lovelets.'  I feel like I understood your
 pain and needs better than I ever have before.  I am so sorry I 
 have not given you the space and freedom you need to make your
 own choices and to be able to gain first hand knowledge from
 those choices.  My role has been to follow Satan's plan and to
 give those I care the most about little freedom of choice.  For
 the first time in my life I got a real glimpse of how I have
 tried too hard, looked beyond the mark, and by my over concern,
 control, and `manipulation' created my own problems.  As you put
 it so well one evening a few weeks ago, I have created my own drama. 

 However, as a reference point, these `Lovelets' are not intended as
 a `manipulation.'  Rather these `Lovelets' are intended to share
 with you the following facts:
    (1) you, Marti Nelson, are important to someone (me);
    (2) how I feel about your choices (both those I agree with and 
        those I don't) so that you have factual knowledge for the 
        next time you make a similar choice (please note it is
        entirely up to you and your free agency whether this
        knowledge has any impact on your future choices or not);
    (3) what makes me want to continue improving our marriage and
        interpersonal relationship; and
    (4) why I love you.

 It was especially helpful to my ego to hear that you have needs
 which have nothing to do with me and my mistakes.  One of the
 reasons I fell in love with you initially is because you are so
 extroverted and it balances my introvertedness.  I have worried
 about how you turned inward and cut yourself off from the world
 the last few years.  Maybe you are living out my insecurities. 
 But more realistically I think I have unintentionally magnified
 your own insecurities.  I agree you should not have to help me
 work through my emotional problems when you are struggling with
 your own.  I will strive to keep from piling my problems on you. 
 However, I do need you and the kids to tell me when I say
 something that is blaming, shaming, or sarcastic.  Childhood
 habits do not die easily for someone 47 years old, and I need
 help having these mistakes pointed out to me by everyone in the
 family.  I am not asking you to give me alternatives, just to
 bring to my consciousness when I say words that hit you or which
 you feel are abusive.

 I think I am beginning to understand that you just need to get
 away from me and to have the freedom to do what you want to do
 without a `parent' watching over your choices.  I still have hope
 this freedom can be achieved until Melanie gets out of school by
 my being in Austin during the week, and scheduling which of us is
 taking care of the kids on weekends.  This will allow you to go
 somewhere alone or to so something with your friends.  Two weeks
 is not enough to determine if this is going to work.  I doubt if
 eight weeks is (the first of the year), which is why I continue
 to hope you will wait until after you get back from New Hampshire
 next summer before filing for a divorce.  But six weeks is better
 than two weeks.  Thanks for helping our holidays be a little more
 normal for the kids and for me.  I know it is hard and I
 appreciate your efforts.  I especially appreciate your concern
 for how your decisions are going to affect me.  I know you are
 concerned.  I hope you know I want you to have the freedom you
 so desperately need because I love you." 
 
#96.47, Selfishness.
"Roice and I had an interesting discussion about `selfishness' when we had
 dinner on Thursday night.  In that part of our conversation, I talked
 about how my Thoughtlet on `Integrity' seemed irrelevant after an e-mail
 from Chuck.  Roice started out with, `Who is Chuck?'  I explained he
 is Diane Hafen Cluff's husband and Diane is Uncle Tony's daughter.  
 I reminded him of when Uncle Tony took us 4-wheeling at the Santa Clara
 Creek several years ago.  Maybe some of you remember Chuck going
 parasailing after we went to the Hafen family reunion a couple of years
 ago in Pine Valley.  I thought Chuck's e-mail was really good.  He wrote:

   `For many years I thought it my duty to "improve" on my parents.
    Sometimes I would console myself with the words, "My mom and
    dad were never able to do this or provide that for us." But it was
    empty consolation (in fact, it was a blatant cop-out!), because at
    the end of the day, I am responsible for how I perform to my gifts
    and talents and against my flaws and shortcomings, not theirs.
 
    The world is full of people who managed to "let go" of their
    baggage and create a life they could enjoy. So, rather than use my
    parents as my yardstick, I choose to remember them as people
    (with all that that entails) that did the best they knew how with
    who they were and what they had.

    For myself, I can keep my emotional integrity if I strive to
    better myself, using my past performance and behaviors as my
    yardstick, and my current goals and dreams as my "playing field".
    This way, it's easier for me to free myself of their burdens and my
    own "victimness", and move on to better things.

    I know this seems a little like splitting hairs, but the subtly
    different mental and emotional posture makes all the difference to
    me.
 
    I think my parents would feel terrible if I let their mistakes and
    victories define mine. Far better to define my life in terms of who I
    am capable of becoming, rather than who I am right now.

    In short, I have it if I choose it and maintain it, and I can only do
    that in the present.'

 In thinking about Chuck's comments, I had an interesting image come to
 mind.  It was an image of a geologic basin growing through time, with
 subsidence due to the cooling of the earth, sea level changes because of
 periodic ice ages, and packages of genetically related sediments.  Scott
 Bowman, who I officed with for three years, has a software program which
 mathematically models this kind of geologic growth.  One of the
 interesting results is that during each ice age, when sea level is low
 because the water is at the poles of the earth, there is a major
 erosional boundary created at the top of packages of sediments.  My
 discussion about integrity could be compared to talking about these
 major `generational' boundaries.  Chuck, on the other hand, beautifully
 captured what we need to do in our own lives, in one of these packages
 of genetically related sediments, to find personal integrity.  

 Then Roice started talking about what motivates us, how happiness is `a
 byproduct of following a more specific and purposeful mission statement.'
 The discussion centered around selfishness as the primary motivation of
 our lives.  He then verbally pinned me down. 

  Roice: `Dad, what is your personal mission statement.'
 
  Me: `To continue to make a difference.' 

  Roice: `Why?'  

  Me: `To make the world a better place for you and your brothers and
       sisters and our grandchildren.'  

  Roice: `Why?'

  Me: `Are you asking if it is just selfishness?  (An affirmative nod.)
       There are three basic motivations: power or control, empathy or
       society, and accomplishment or achievement.  There is a selfish
       component to each of these, but it seems to me there is less
       selfishness for achievement than the other motivations.  There
       is selfishness in fame, and I have achieved quite a bit of
       notoriety in my field of study.  But that fame was never the
       objective.  The objective was to improve oil and gas exploration,
       to help find more hydrocarbons because they are so important to
       today's society.'

 And so our conversation continued and I kept thinking about integrity and
 whether anyone ever achieves the kind of integrity Chuck and I were
 trying to describe.  Or, are we only motivated by selfishness?  This was
 on my mind Friday, on the drive back home, and at the movie `The Mirror
 Has Two Faces' with your Mom on Friday night.  Then on Saturday morning,
 when Mom was giving me a haircut, I learned she has told each of you she
 plans to file for divorce after the first of the year.  All of a sudden
 my thoughts about integrity and selfishness took on a new significance. 
 As you kids know, Mom has talked about this for 5 years.  Maybe I
 started these `Thoughtlets' as a pre-response (a little over a month
 before I made another significant emotional-reaction mistake, and
 provided the motivation for her to start taking specific action).  I
 wish I understood all of the dynamics and could fix everything.  But I
 don't and I'm coming to recognize I need to let Mom have the freedom
 to make her own choices.  Trying to find a positive side to what is
 happening, I have specifically seen my own life in two movies this past
 year.  I continue to hope, like the chess playing computer scientist in
 4DX and the university math professor in Barbara Streisand's movie, the
 time will come when Mom and I can be a loving couple again.  Is this
 just selfishness?  Probably.  I will do everything I can to support
 each of you through this hard time.  I know other family members
 getting copies of these thoughtlets will also.  It is neat to have
 such a wonderful heritage.

 It is easy to point fingers and say mean things.  As I got into the
 SEG in Denver on Saturday evening, the cab driver and I had a long
 conversation, including about his recent divorce.  He said, with the
 voice of his 9 year old daughter at the appropriate phrase, `I have
 finally figured out how to answer the question: Daddy, why do people
 get divorced?  Selfishness on the part of one partner or the other. 
 Selfishness is the most serious sin there is.'  I'm sure this 
 conversation was a basis for Roice and my dinner conversation.  I
 do recognize we can not continue to exist without some degree of
 selfishness.  I recognize that I have smothered each of you and
 your Mom, making too many of the choices when you were in our home,
 and being too rigid on the rules.  I am sorry.  My intentions were
 honorable.  My methods were not.  I now realize, too late, I need to
 back off.  I love each of you, and I hope that someday my efforts,
 like these Thoughtlets, the paintings, and the poem Prime Words, will
 have the meaning to each of you that was intended by me.  My primary
 motivation has been love and not selfishness.  Hopefully time will
 convince each of you of this fact."

#630, 18Nov96, Work In The Livingroom.
"I love you because you packed up all of your class material stuff
 and went in the living room to prepare your class because you knew
 I needed to get up at 4:00 AM to go to Austin.  This was especially
 touching to me because you were so frustrated with Melanie not 
 knowing where a tape was you planned on using for your class, and
 you were feeling a lot of stress.  Thanks for looking out for my
 needs.  I love you." 
 
#631, 19Nov96, Divorce Busting.
"I love you because you let me read from the book Divorce Busting
 to you.  There is a lot of really good material in this book and
 I hope you will continue to let me read from it to you.  I would
 like to quote some comments from the first chapter here:

   `The decision to divorce or remain together to work things out
    is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.  It
    is crucial for those considering divorce to anticipate what
    lies ahead in order to make informed decisions.'

   `... in 1982: For the first time in twenty-five years the divorce
    rate dropped.  ...  I believe that people are beginning to
    realize how devastating divorce is - emotionally, financially
    and spiritually - for everyone involved.  With enough time 
    under our belts to have observed the results of rampant divorce,
    we are beginning to recognize the price we have paid for the
    freedom of disposable marriages.'

   `There are primarily two reasons people divorce.  One is to 
    escape a relationship that has been painful, loveless or
    destructive.  The second is to seek a more satisfying life 
    with a new partner or alone.  As you will see in this chapter,
    these goals are not always accomplished through divorce.'

   `There is no optimum time to divorce when children are involved.
    People once comforted themselves by thinking only young children
    get hurt when parents split.  Now we know better.  We have
    learned that, regardless of children's ages at the time their
    parents divorce, children lose a great deal.'

   `Children are the real losers in divorce.  ...  There are many 
    reasons that children lose out.  What children lose when their 
    parents split is their family.  It is a fallacy to think of
    divorce as something that happens between a husband and wife.
    Couples don't divorce, families divorce.  What was once the 
    basis of security and protection for the children no longer 
    exists.  A child of divorce has his very foundation pulled 
    from beneath him with no say in the matter.'

   `Some say that death is easier for children to accept than
    divorce because death is a single event which passes, and for
    which there is usually a clear-cut cause.  People mourn, grieve
    and have memories, but death is final.  Divorce, on the other
    hand, lasts forever. '

   `This raises the popular question: "Should couples stay together
    for the sake of the kids?"  Implicit in this question is the
    assumption that people stay together for any single reason.  
    Even successful long-term marriages are rarely held together by
    one bond, including love.  Couples stay together for a multitude
    of reasons: financial and emotional security, sex, dislike of 
    the single scene, stability, companionship, status, fear of
    loneliness, feelings of love and commitment, religious mores, 
    children.  There is nothing unusual or unhealthy about kids
    being one of the many ties inextricably connecting couples.'

   `Another assumption implicit in the question "Should couples stay
    together for the sake of the kids?" is that these couples will
    always be miserable, that they must live in conflict for the 
    rest of their lives.  Couples should not remain in unhappy or
    lifeless marriages for the rest of their lives just for the sake
    of the kids.  Research shows that whether their parents are 
    married or divorced children suffer when there is conflict.
    Couples should do everything within their power to make their 
    marriages work again so that their children's lives will not be
    adversely affected by conflict or divorce.  In other words, 
    couples should stay happy for the sake of the kids.'

 I am committed to doing everything I can for the health of our family,
 which right now means supporting you as you think through what is best
 for you.  I will support your decisions and do everything I can to
 cooperate with you and still hold to my hope of our rebuilding
 successful family with a Lloyd and Luana type picture on the livingroom
 wall.  The first chapter has the following comment near the end:

   `Children whose parents strive to cooperate or co-parent after
    divorce experience fewer post-divorce difficulties.  So whether
    you decide to learn how to cooperate with your spouse within the
    context of your marriage or in the post-divorce period, if you
    want you, your spouse and your children to have a stable 
    environment you will need to develop and practice problem-solving
    skills.  The message of this book is: "Why not begin right now?"

 I will cooperate because I love our children, they tell me they love
 me (even Sara said that to me last week), and because I love you." 
 
#632, 20Nov96, Do You Want To Talk To Rob.
"I love you because you asked me, when I called Wednesday night,
 `Do you want to talk to Rob?' I called the house each day to
 catch one of our children and talk to them briefly.  Rob was the
 only one I always talked to this week.  He is very open on the
 phone and it gives me hope for our future relationship.  I believe
 it is important for you that I have a good relationship with our
 kids.  I realize I tend to be `absent' for the kids, and see this
 as a natural reversion to the way my Mom and Dad worked or didn't
 work together, as the case may be. 

 There was a real eye opening section in Divorce Busting talking
 about schizophrenics.  `What they (researchers) found was that for
 every seemingly over involved mother, there was a distant and
 under involved father.  A father's withdrawal from the family made
 it possible for the mother to dominate the household and its members. 
 Conversely, the mother's over involvement with the children made it
 possible for the father to have little contact with the family.'

 I want to be involve with our kids lives, and with your life because
 I love them and I love you." 
 
#633, 21Nov96, Hon.
"I love you because you called me on the cellular phone to tell
 me Rob had rebooted the sun workstation and you didn't want it
 to `screw me up.'  I especially was touched, as I said to you,
 when during a moment of frustration you said `Hon, look it is
 going to be allright.'  It has been so long since I have heard
 this kind of a phrase, it was like a gentle rain in the desert.
 Thanks for calling me Hon.  I love you." 
 
#634, 22Nov96, Space Jam.
"I love you because you seem pleased to have me to go see `the
 bald-headed black guy' with Rob in the movie Space Jam.  I was
 really impressed with the movie.  It was similar to Roger Rabbit,
 and I think you would enjoy it.  Good basketball, and a lot of
 the great players of our time in the movie.  I must admit, I did
 not go to this movie just because I love you." 
 
#635, 23Nov96, Clean The Garage Together.
"I love you because you asked me if we could work together on
 cleaning the garage.  I have been thinking about this ever since
 you asked me, and the following words and memories flood my mind:

 `Dirty floor and plugged up drain and a fridge that won't turn on.
  Spiders crawling on the window, throwing shadows on the ground.

  As we stopped, and looked, we wondered how, this place could be
  a home.  But with a sparkle in her eye, and a soft loving sigh,
  my wife began to smile.

  Broom and dustpan keeping busy so a mop can take their place.
  Beds assembled, boxes emptied, and the bookshelves soon are full.'

 I guess I have been day dreaming of starting over.  I remember so
 clearly how beautiful you were to me as we worked together to clean
 up that basement apartment on 5th south in Salt Lake.  I love you." 
 
#636, 24Nov96, Romantic Fiction.
"I love you because you talked to me this morning, let me rub
 your neck, and let me kiss you twice.  I heard you tonight when
 you said `It really doesn't make (you) feel better.  Sometimes
 (you) let (me) do it just so it doesn't cause other problems.' 
 The implication, to the optimistic part of me, is that sometimes
 you do like having your neck rubbed.  I would really like to
 know when those times are and to be there for you then. 

 As I said this morning, I can not compete with romantic fiction.  
 I hope you didn't take that as a criticism of what you read or
 even what your fantasize about.  It is just a fact that real life
 can seldom meet our creative imagination.  Doesn't mean I won't
 try to be romantic, given an opportunity.  Just means I am trying
 to be realistic.

 I have long known, as you told me this evening, `(you) can be
 miserable without (me) as well as with (me).'  I hope you heard
 me when I said `I don't want to see you miserable with me or
 without me.'  Likewise, I do not want to be miserable.  I really
 do not think I am, but I think my outward appearance has made
 you and others feel I am.  I am a happy person, underneath a lot
 of pain.  I am going to figure out how to eliminate the pain and
 be happy on the outside.  Sort of like you, I sometimes mix up
 what is real with what is a story.  I have never heard your mother
 say anything like `Beauty is as beauty does.'  I believe that is
 something Forrest Gump's mother may have said to him.  Anyway,
 even if we both live half in the real world and half in our
 imaginations, it is a fact and not romantic fiction, I love you." 
 
#96.48, Undulation.
"One of my all time favorite books is `The Screwtape Letters,' by C.S. Lewis.
 In the book he has a section that talks about `The Law of Undulation.'
 It has been several years since I last read the book, but my recall and
 interpretation is that he approaches undulation as a natural part of
 nature's cycles.  There will be days, like today, when it rains very
 hard, and there will be days like yesterday, when it was absolutely
 beautiful, and Rob and I went and played our first round of golf together.

 From my limited perspective, it seems as I watch others, my lows are
 lower and my highs have been higher than average (the amplitude of the
 cycle).  Lately it seems like these undulating cycles have been
 happening closer and closer together (high frequency).  It also seems
 like most of the cycle has been negative (phase or polarity).  I gave
 a presentation to four managers from Corpoven (the Venezualan oil
 company we are doing the project at The Bureau of Economic Geology for)
 in which I explained the amplitude, frequency, and phase of a complex
 seismic trace by bending a clothes hanger into a spiral and rotating
 it in front of a slide projector to show the `real' and `imaginary'
 projections of a seismic wavelet.  The wavelets on the wall reminded me
 of `The Screwtape Letters' and that in life everything that goes down
 comes back up, and everything that goes up comes down.

 In thinking about what to write today, it seemed appropriate to describe
 how everyone gets down sometimes.  Some of us get really down.  But the
 natural law of undulation teaches us that the time will come when we 
 will be up.  In fact, sometimes we will feel really good.  I very much
 appreciated the letters from my sister Sara and from Chuck Cluff.  I,
 like each of you kids, know the things happening in our home right now
 are not one person's fault.  In fact, if you look at your choices
 closely, I believe you will come to recognize they are not two people's
 choices either.  I will support your Mom as best I can, and hope you will
 also.  I do not agree with her decision and hope and pray she will change
 her mind.  I hope you all will join your prayers with mine, for the
 benefit of each of us and for the benefit of our family as a unit.  For
 the benefit of all of the Thanksgivings and Christmases, vacations and
 grandkids yet to come. 

 But as each of us have our own life with its own rate of undulation or
 cycling, I specifically hope you will each learn from the choices and
 mistakes of others and live your life so your next low is higher than
 the last low, the amplitudes are fairly consistent and don't jump to
 extremes, and that the changes are fairly low frequency, i.e. there are
 not rapid changes to disorient and create a loss of context.  Please
 remember how, even now, when I feel like I am `walking through the
 valley of the shadow of death,' I know that there will be better times
 ahead, and hope these times will be for all of us together as a family."

#637, 25Nov96, Saturn's Death.
"I love you because you called me six+ times using the cellular
 phone.  It was nice to hear your voice.  You seemed to be in a
 very good mood.  We talked about money (a hard topic for us).
 It was especially nice to be able to talk you through getting the
 network back up and helping you realize the Sun is not always at
 fault.  It was funny when you called and said `Your Sun is down
 again,' and because Roice did not show up for his birthday lunch,
 I heard `Your son is down again.'  English is a funny language,
 and it sometimes seems amazing to me there is any communication 
 about anything that is really important to us.  I especially
 appreciated you being there a few minutes later, when the
 Saturn's death again brought me face to face once again and with
 a different kind of force with more of my many limitations.

 I realize there was nothing you could do for me (Your first comment
 was `What do you want me to do about it?') except get the warranty
 information.  It was nice you were there and were able to do that.
 It is really disheartening when something you count on dies, like the
 Saturn did.  Like counting on having you in my life to help care for
 our children and me (physically, emotionally, intellectually,
 socially, mentally, and spiritually), to help take care of our house,
 to help take care of the finances, to provide music and laughter and
 fun, to help me keep my tendency for long-term thinking on the here
 and now, kissing, as well as to help meet our individual sexual
 desires, I count on being able to have access to a car to carry my
 `bag of mostly water' (with too much fat) across the surface of the
 earth. 

 Death of something you count on is disheartening, to say the least. 
 The upside is that by getting help from appropriate experts
 resurrection is not only possible, but is inevitable.  In the case
 of our Saturn, they might have to get a new engine, or at best
 replace a valve and maybe a piston.  In the case of your love for me,
 we might have to truly forgive each other, start over in many areas,
 and realize there are many different reasons to stay together:
 `financial and emotional security, sex, dislike of the singles scene,
 stability, companionship, status, fear of loneliness, feelings of love
 and commitment, religious mores, the children.'  (from Divorce Busting,
 page 35).

 Even though the car died, I still need it.  Even though your love for
 me has died, you still need me.  The car will be resurrected by
 Monday.  Hopefully someday your love for me will be resurrected.  In
 the meantime, I love you." 
 
#638, 26Nov96, Walking.
"I love you because you have gone walking with me in the past -
 of specific memorable times in Boston and around Green Trails.
 As I walked the two miles from the La Quinta Motel to the Pickle
 Research Center Tuesday morning, Tuesday evening, and Wednesday
 morning, my mind kept going back to those walks.  It was so nice
 to have you open up to me and talk, to enjoy being with me, to
 have you hold my hand because you wanted to, and to feel a
 oneness, a sharing, and a caring.  It is nice to have those times
 burned into my memory banks for me to always remember and to be
 able to relive again and again.  As I live in the past, like on
 these walks, and strive to cite my mind forward and remember the
 future, I hope for many more times like these I have brought to
 your mind with this Lovelet.  Why?  Because I love you." 
 
#639, 27Nov96, Rental Car.
"I love you because you came in the house and the first thing you
 said to me was `Is someone visiting us?'  Initially I didn't
 realize it was because there was a rental car in the driveway.  
 Roice had a similar reaction, when I picked him up at his apartment.
 None of us like or expect surprises or unexpected changes.  Roice
 carried it a step further.  He kept asking, `What is Saturn's 
 service group like?'  `Andy says that he really doesn't think they
 do a very good job.'  He is obviously very seriously pursuing your
 suggestion that he apply to Saturn for a job.  We each seem to put
 our own spin on new circumstances we find ourselves in.  I hope
 that like the rental car provide a way to transport our `bags of
 mostly water' from Austin to Houston, this time of contemplation
 and reevaluation of our relationship, which you have provided me,
 will result in permanent changes in my ethical behaviors of
 blaming, shaming, criticizing, being sarcastic, and especially of
 being judgmental.  Thank you for helping focus my mind on what
 is really important to me and helping me to see that much more
 clearly why I need you and why I love you." 
 
#640, 28Nov96, Last Thanksgiving.
"I love you because you helped our family have such a wonderful
 Thanksgiving day. 

 I woke up at 4:00 and came in and went through the 60+ messages 
 which had built up this last week (the Project Mind discussion
 group has really heated up recently).  Then we talked and you let
 me read from Divorce Busting to you.  I especially liked the way
 you got a pencil and paper and took notes while I talked and then
 was not offended when I did the same thing.  This gives me a chance
 to remember the words, to organize my thoughts, to be able to 
 respond in an adult and less emotional fashion.  Thanks. 

 Then, Roice had asked me to get him up to go for a run with me.  He
 has the same problem with his left knee that I have.  I explained
 how Grandma Hafen, Mom, Tony, Glenn, and I all share this problem
 with our left knee.  Between my gasping for air (trying to talk and
 jog) and his knee, we only ran half way around the four mile block. 
 It was nice to have time to talk as we walked.  There were not very
 many birds out because of the cold.  Roice got a little bit cold, 
 but I think he enjoyed the time together.  He is a good kid. 

 It was fun to watch Independence Day with the kids.  As I watched
 the swagger as the two hero's get off of the alien ship (which you
 pointed out to me), and the body language as the divorced couple
 came running together (recalling the first song I wrote you: Reunion)
 again, it brings hope to my heart.  Rob even said to me last weekend,
 `Dad, don't worry, you know how the couple got back together in
 Independence Day.'  He hadn't even read the Thoughtlet where I had
 created this image (I asked him after he said it).  Then it was fun
 to watch the Disney channel movies with the kids, even though I kept
 falling asleep and never read much of the new Time magazine.

 Then the next thing I knew we were all called to the table for a 
 beautiful and wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner.  Sure the pressed 
 Turkey wasn't as good as we would of liked, but the meal was really
 wonderful.  Maybe my prayer was a little longer than usual, but
 hopefully this added to the spirit of the event.  The conversation 
 was nice.  It was neat to listen to you test Paul as to how much
 he really learned in his efforts to memorize Trivial Pursuit
 questions.  I was especially glad that you asked for and that the
 kids honored your request for the television to be left off.  It
 was fun to play Trivial Pursuit as a family.  I enjoyed the 
 interaction between all of us a lot.  There was even time for a
 nap following the game.

 The Star Trek movie was good.  I really enjoy and know you really
 enjoy the whole Trek experience.  It was fun to watch your reaction
 to my answer to your question when you got back from a brief trip
 to the lady's room.  The question was: `How did he talk her into
 changing her mind?'  My answer was `I'm really not sure, but if I
 can figure it out, I intend to do the same thing!'  What the captain
 did was show her the bigger picture (opened a portal so she could
 see the earth), held out his hand to take the laser gun she had
 pointed at him, and said something like `I am  Jean Luc Picard,
 trust me, we can only get out of this together.'  It is so nice how
 in almost of the movies we like the good guys win.  It is also
 comforting to me to know that you are one of the good guys, even if
 you often don't think you are.

 Then we dropped the boys off and went over to Mike and Sharon Reed's
 house to say good-bye to the Defords.  It was fun to reminisce with
 Dave and Kathy, then Gary and Roetta and Donette Jones, then Mike and
 Marion Pickerd, then Russ and Margaret Harris, and as we left Ron and
 Linda Burgerner.  There are so many good memories of cucumber and
 cheese sandwiches on the way to the temple, of Roice and Matt, of
 Paul and Jay, of Rob and Adam, of campouts with Gary, of singing
 with Donette, home teaching Mike and Marion, being off the wall for
 your scripture study group with Marion (`How long is a cubit?'), of
 being in the Bishopric with Russ, of your women's trips with Kathy
 and Margaret, of being home taught by Ron, of open houses at Ron and
 Linda's, etc., etc., etc.  I was just making conversation when I
 recalled the Chinese helping bring the old piano to our house.  I was
 pleased you chose not to tell our friends about your plans to file
 for divorce.  It gives me hope that there is still a sliver of hope
 in your heart that you will not `need to.'  It was a nice visit.

 Then we came home and I watched most of `Mission Impossible' with 
 Sara and the boys.  The only negative thing all day was when Rob 
 went into our bedroom where Sara was on the phone and insisted on
 interrupting her and sitting down and playing the computer.  Sara
 was rightly upset, but milked it for everything she could.  She acted
 like she was physically thrown out of the bedroom by Rob (and may
 have been).  Ben made a comment about Rob acting like a spoiled brat,
 and Sara heard her name.  It pushed her buttons and she exploded how
 she is `just a spoiled brat' and she is `responsible for our family
 falling apart.'  It really hurts me when she will not even talk to
 me.  I want to fix things, but can't, and like you said, need to wait
 until everyone calms down and then talk about it.  The emotions are
 overpowering and this is why I went for a walk to cry and cry and
 try to get the emotions out without creating negative waves at home.

 It was wonderful to see you talk and talk to Roice.  To see Ben and
 Paul and Rob all come in after the movie and lay around in the music
 room and talk to you.  I hope that someday they will be able to do
 this with me, or more realistically that I will be able to do this
 with them.  Guess this is just one more example of how my
 insecurities show how much I need you and your help and strengths.

 I hope we will look back next year at `last thanksgiving' and not 
 see this year as `the last thanksgiving' of our family as a unit.
 This is simply because I love everyone in our family and specifically
 because I love you." 
 
#641, 29Nov96, Christmas Decorations.
"I love you because you suggested we put up the Christmas decorations.
 It was really fun to work with Sarah Johnson, to have you next to me,
 to have Ben, Roice, and Rob helping.  The little things I have always
 taken for granted are becoming more and more important.  Thank you
 for helping me to recognize and revel in something as simple as putting
 up Christmas decorations as a family.  I love you." 
 
#642, 30Nov96, Think Differently.
"I love you because we think differently.  I realize you consider
 this one of the key reasons to seek a divorce, but let me attempt to
 describe the other side of this coin.

 I think longer-term, and am often lost in what to do at the moment.
 You think shorter-term, and sometimes do not see the consequences
 of spur-of-the-moment choices.  We need each other to have a balance
 in our individual lives.  There can be great strength derived from
 broadening the spectrum of our individual planning horizons.

 I think in terms of images.  You think in terms of sounds.  We need
 each other to have a balance in our individual lives.  I need music.
 You need art.  Together we are much more balanced.

 I think in factual terms, often missing the spice-of-life and fun 
 accompanying a vivid imagination, a good novel, or just going off
 to get ice cream at midnight for no particular reason.  You think
 in fictional terms, seeing possibilities and depth that are invisible
 to me.  We need each other to have a balance in our individual lives.
 Your career can be enhanced taking advantage of my best practice
 methodologies and building a Knowledge Backbone of your classes.  My
 personal life can become fun if I can learn to share in your dreams.

 I think in ordered planning terms.  You think in terms of spontaneity.
 We need each other to have a balance in our individual lives.  I need
 the spice in my life.  You could possibly benefit by using some of my
 planning and organizing techniques.

 I think in terms of laws, which can be interpreted as judgmental, etc.
 You think in terms of grace.  We need each other to have a balance in
 our individual lives.  I need to recognize my limitations and trust 
 more in God and in Christ.  You could possibly benefit from recognizing
 the consequences that naturally follow certain actions.

 I react emotionally.  You react intellectually.  We need each other to
 have a balance in our individual lives.  I need to get my emotions under
 control.  You need to trust in your feelings and let your heart have 
 more of a say in your decision processes.

 I thing like a guy (Martian).  You think like a chick (Venusian). We need
 each other to have a balance in our individual lives.  I need intimacy. 
 You need space.  Together we can learn to balance these needs.    

 I am sure there are dozens of other ways we think differently, some of
 which are certainly very damaging to our relationship.  Please define
 these for me, let us talk about them, and recognize there is even another
 side to the coin with these differences.  In fact, the differences in the
 way we think are our real strength as a couple.  Thank you for thinking
 differently than I do and providing spice to my life.  Please recognize
 how much I love you." 
 
#643, 01Dec96, Insight.
"I love you because you recognized I have had an insight as a result
 of all of my pain associated with your desire for a divorce.  You
 are right that differences are not something I have been good with
 in the past, and probably will not be something I will be good with
 in every circumstance.  I do believe order and unity are key to
 happiness, and that has always implied being one, as God and Christ
 are one.  My insight, which resulted in what I read to you this 
 morning, is that we can still be one in purpose and have differences.
 It may be a subtle insight, but the implications are profound.  You
 can vote Democratic and I can vote Republican and we can still love
 our kids, wanting them to have the very best start in life possible.

 There is no question according to modern-day scriptures that there 
 needs to be male and female for exaltation.  There needs to be
 differences to achieve oneness.  In the same way, there needs to be
 longer-term and shorter-term thinking, image-based and auditory input,
 fact and fiction, laws and grace, emotions and intellect, intimacy
 and space, etc., etc., etc.  Since no one individual can have all
 of these characteristics, maybe this is one more reason why we have
 families and why we can only be exalted if we have an eternal family
 which can act as one.

 Thanks for helping me see past my prejudices and rose-colored glasses
 for a moment.  I hope all insights in my life are not so hard in coming
 to.  In the meantime, and I realize it is contrary to your request but
 I will continue to love you." 
 
#644, 02Dec96, Obsessed.
"I love you because you are always on my mind.  As I drove to Austin
 I had two different recollections that relate to being obsessed with
 you and always thinking about you, our marriage, and what I can do
 to support you so you are willing to compromise and not feel like
 you are betraying your principles.

 The first was a conversation with Rob as I took him to a private
 lesson a few weeks ago.  He talked about a friend he has who is always
 thinking and talking about a particular girl.  The girl decided to `go
 out with him,' but then changed her mind.  He still talks and thinks
 about her all of the time.  Rob said something like `Dad, this is how
 you are with Mom.'  I tried to explain the difference between a boy
 in 8th grade and someone who has been married 23 years.  But I did
 acknowledge I do think and talk about you all of the time.

 The second recollection goes back to when Sherry and Gary moved to
 Oklahoma City.  Bishop Pickerd mentioned that Marion was interested
 in working outside of the home and asked if I had someone to replace
 Sherry.  I thought it was an excellent suggestion, and if I recall 
 right I asked you what you thought.  I approached Marion and she was
 reluctant because one of her sons needed a lot of help.  Several weeks
 later I approached her again to see if she had changed her mind.  She
 literally threw her arms up in the air, let out a scream and ran away
 from me.  It was like a startled deer in the woods.  I had the distinct
 feeling she felt I had been stalking her.

 Monday evening I read a chapter out of `Divorce Busting' that talks
 about how in effect the more one spouse chases the more the other
 spouse runs.  I realized my efforts have been obsessed and stalking.
 I hope the time I am spending in Austin is providing you some freedom
 from these feelings.  I do not want to smother you, nor do I want to
 keep you from being you.  I hope you have been able to recognize the
 changes I have been able to make.  I have made them because I love you." 
 
#645, 03Dec96, Prophetic.
"I love you because you read my words from Paul's song to me when
 I called you on Tuesday morning:

   `Your name is Paul, you think you're tall,
    But you are really, very, very, small.
    You're almost three, not yet a tree,
    But hopefully someday you will be.

    Your love of life and self-confidence,
    Exhibit the faith of youth.
    I wish I knew the things you believe you know,
    And could do the things you think you can do.

 Then you said, `This is really prophetic.'  Thanks for recognizing
 this.  Please realize this same gift relates to my strong feelings
 about the results to you, to our children, and to me if you
 choose to go ahead and file for divorce, rather than put the same
 time and money and effort into making our marriage work.  However,
 I will strive to take the high road and support you which ever of
 these choices you take, for I know there is no chance you will
 ever change your mind and come back if I turn vindictive.  I hope
 you understand how much I love you." 
 
#646, 04Dec96, Directions.
"I love you because you have been with me when I have acted like
 a man from Mars, refusing to ask for directions.  Wednesday
 night, I repeated this process.  I wanted to get my talk for Paul
 printed and a copy made to give Paul, since I wasn't sure if our
 printer would be working.  So I figured in a city like Austin, it
 should be pretty simple to drive to some of the new Malls and
 shopping centers and find a Kinko's.  Wrong!  I drove all over
 looking for a Kinko's like we have over on Mason road.  Couldn't
 find one.  Finally went back to the La Quinta Motel, went to my
 room, looked up Kinko's in the business pages, got a couple of
 addresses and went to the front desk to ask which was closest. 
 (Neither site had picked up the phone.)  They said the one on
 Burnet Road was closer, but then said, as though it was obvious, 
 `They wouldn't be open at this time of night.' 

 I do not understand why it is hard for me to ask for directions.
 But I am doing this, hoping it is not to late, relative to our 
 relationship.  I have written a letter to Michelle Weiner-Davis, who
 wrote the book `Divorce Busting' asking for her guidance based on
 all of her experience.  I have changed.  The changes are permanent.
 I will still make mistakes, but I am getting better at following the
 process to recognize distorted thinking and changing it.  I am working
 very hard to follow Dr. Aronson's directions because I love you." 
 
#647, 05Dec96, Macintosh.
"I love you because you were so cute on the phone as I was driving
 home from Austin.  First, I was sure I told you I had meetings on 
 Friday at the VETL.  Second, NetScape on the Sun was working, 
 although it might have been working because Melanie powered down
 and powered back up the Accend Box.  Third, I do not know why the
 Macintosh would not bring up NetScape.  It seemed so hard to 
 communicate the options that needed to be checked, and then the 
 phone went out.  It was nice to know it was all fixed when I called
 back a few minutes later.  I wish everything was as easy as using
 a Macintosh is for the 99% of the things we use them for.  I wish
 it was that easy for me to show you how much I love you." 
 
#648, 06Dec96, Nativity.
"I love you because you are so good on the harp.  It was obvious
 you were tired and did not really want to be at the church playing
 the harp for the Nativity Exhibit.  However, you did.  There were
 many people who would sit down and obviously enjoy listening to
 you play.  I heard a couple of mistakes you normally don't make 
 when you are practicing at the house, which is why I know you were
 tired.  But I doubt if anyone else noticed.  You are a beautiful
 person with absolutely wonderful talents.  Thanks for being you.
 I love you." 
 
#649, 07Dec96, Flying.
"I love you because you love your kids.  When Paul told you that
 Mike Smith was taking he and I flying your first words were `Don't
 kill yourself.'  When we got back you asked `How was flying?'  Paul
 really had a good time and flew the plane quite a bit.  We flew over
 the house, down I-10 to the San Jacinto Monument, down the bay past
 NASA, back up past the large radio towers by where we used to live,
 and back to the Westheimer airport.  In one sense it was boring
 for me, in the back seat alone, thinking about being alone.  In 
 another sense it was visually stimulating to be able to look out
 across the vistas, putting where different road turns into perspective
 and trying to recognize geology through the buildings and trees.
 In that sense, I guess flying is like everything else in life.  You
 can really enjoy it if you choose to, or you can be bored and feel
 like everything is unfair if you choose to.  I choose to live life
 to the best and fullest of my ability, and I choose to love you." 
 
#650, 08Dec96, Paul's Farewell.
"I love you because you provided the icing on Paul's Farewell. 
 There were so many wonderful comments about our three presentations. 
 It is an ego trip to have lots of nice comments about my own
 contribution, and since it was unique relative to what anyone had
 seen before, it is understandable there were comments from youth
 and adults.  However, the sincere, moving comments made to me were
 in regards to `the complete differences in style,' `the sincerity of
 the messages,' and the way the program seemed `whole.' 

 There were specific comments in both Gospel Doctrine and the High
 Priest's quorum classrooms about the importance of love in the
 restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  These comments came directly from
 your talk.  There was nothing that could be attributed to things
 said by either Paul or myself.  As a specific example, at choir
 practice Gary Jones said `Your talks were wonderful.'  Because he 
 is a close friend and I have talked to him about how much things at
 home are hurting right now, I said, `Thanks, but it was the unsaid
 part that is unsettling.'  He said, `True there was some Yin and
 Yang, but realize Marti knows what the gospel is really all about.' 

 It is true!  You do!  I and many of my somewhat Pharisee oriented
 friends need your guidance to remember what the `straight and
 narrow path' really is all about.  I think of two of the scriptural
 accounts you quoted, where in both cases there had been serious sin
 that was forgiven.  Your words: `We forgive those we love, and
 because we love we are forgiven - love can truly overcome much that 
 seems insurmountable' are priceless.  Since sacrament meeting, and
 partly as a result of our conversation tonight, I have wondered, 
 `In an absolutely worst case scenario, if Marti has another lover,
 is regularly sneaking out to have an ongoing affair, and this is the
 reason for her feeling so mixed up, could I forgive her?  The answer
 is `ABSOLUTELY!'  Could I forget, if she chose to stop.  The answer
 is again `ABSOLUTELY!'  How could I answer any other way?  I can
 only say I forgive you because I love you.  I am so sorry I have not
 been able to do this before.  Guess my love wasn't tested yet, not
 that it has been according to the above scenario.  But I have felt
 some ongoing rejection, and it has helped me realize how very much 
 I do love you." 

#96.49, Planning.
"Received nice notes from Melanie, my sister Sara, Sarah Johnson, Eric
 Warner, and Chuck Cluff this week.  It was especially nice to get Eric's
 note: `Hi Roice, I was at Claudes house this thanksgiving and we were 
 looking up something on the internet and I saw one of your notes. Claude
 said he would give me your address so that I could drop you a e-mail.
 If you don't mind I would love getting the same notes you send Claude.
 I enjoy hearing about my Nelson family. I am bad at regular letter
 writing, but I am getting better.  ---love eric Warner'  It was the
 first time someone has asked to be added to the mailing list, and to top
 that off, so far no one has asked to be deleted.  (If you want to be
 taken off the list I won't mention it, and I'm kind of surprised there
 hasn't been some requests for this yet.  I know Sara, my daughter, has
 no interest in these e-mails, at this time.)

 It has been a very busy day, with Roice driving to College Station to
 pick up Ben this morning, Stake Missionary correlation meeting, Paul's
 Farewell at 11:00 (I spoke [see attached file: PaulText.txt], Roice
 played an original number on the piano, Marti spoke, Paul spoke, and
 Bishop Daniels gave some closing comments), Paul's friends taking him
 back to Huntsville, Melanie taking Ben back to College Station, Roice
 riding his motorcycle back to Austin, taking a nap, going to choir
 practice (we are having the third joint Christmas program with our
 Catholic neighbors, which is a lot of fun and really good music),
 going to the First Presidency's Christmas Fireside, writing a couple of
 Lovelet's to Marti, calling Mom and Grandma Hafen and my sister Sara, and 
 now writing this.  I am not in any way complaining.  It is just a fact it
 has been a very busy day.  A good day.  In my life busy and good have a
 direct correlation.

 One of the issues with starting something regular like sending Thoughtlets
 or Lovelets is planning so there is time to do it right.  It is sort of
 like planning how to give a sacrament talk with lot's of scriptures, or
 planning how to get Ben to Houston and back to College Station, or Roice
 planning when to leave Austin and head back, or Paul planning how he was
 going to get back to Huntsville, or planning our upcoming trip to Colorado
 and Utah over the Christmas holiday.  If we don't take time to think 
 through what is going to happen, it often doesn't turn out like we would
 like.  This has certainly been true in my life, and I expect it will be
 in each of yours as well. 

 Your Aunt Sara and I spent some time tonight talking about options when
 we are in Utah.  We get in Saturday morning, the 28th, from Denver, but
 Sarah Johnson doesn't get in until Saturday evening.  What do you all
 think about spending some time exploring Salt Lake?  Some of us could
 maybe even visit one of the ski slopes outside of Salt Lake on Saturday.
 I told Aunt Sara we would plan on getting to Cedar on Sunday or Monday
 evening.  This gives Tuesday to go skiing at Brian Head (Aunt Sara and
 Uncle Des are providing some ski passes as a Christmas present), maybe
 go to Zion on Wednesday, and of course I want to visit with Mom and
 Grandma Hafen.  I would really like to get the Nelson cousin's together
 to say hi and to introduce Sarah to the clan, but am not sure how to do
 all of this.  Suggestions will be appreciated.  We will take Paul to the
 mission home on Thursday, January 2nd, but have to be flexible because of
 snow storms this time of year.  And then we return to Houston on Friday
 January 3rd.  It is pretty loose, but it is the beginning of a plan.
 What would all you all like to do?"

Jamming in Novosirbirsk, 
Dad's Missionary Farewell Talk for Paul,  06 December 1996, 
Nottingham Country Ward

I asked Paul to sit down front so I can talk to him and let you listen.  
For historical sake, there are 3,105 words in this talk, of which 2,500 
or 80% are quotes from the scriptures.  (The scriptural references were
all printed in a large font and the talk bound so that I could read
the text and the audience could see the references which hung down the
front of the podium and then look up the scriptures and follow along.)

Paul, like Nephi you were "born of goodly parents" (1:1) and like 
Nephi you were "taught in all the learning of your father." (1:2)  Paul, 
like Lehi I "had a dream" and took my "family" from Dallas and 
"departed into the wilderness" (2:1-4) to Houston "by the borders 
of the sea," (2:5) or the Gulf of Mexico.  When we started our family I 
was determined that we would "hold to the iron rod" and "follow the 
straight and narrow path."  Then we moved to the Nottingham 
Country Ward in 1984 and we found ourselves in Green Trails 
on a "long and winding road."  Specifically I found myself distracted 
by work, "traveling upon the face of the earth," and full of pride and 
self-importance.

Paul, like Nephi, your "father dwelt in a tent" (2:15) on many camp 
outs with you and like Lehi "blessed Nephi because of faith" (2:19) I 
give you my blessing.  If you "keep the commandments ye shall 
prosper." (2:20)  Paul, like Nephi "go and do the things which the 
Lord hath commanded, for ... the Lord giveth no commandments unto 
the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they 
may accomplish all the things which he commandeth them." (3:7) Be 
"led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which (you) 
should do." (4:6)  Paul, like Nephi you are "a man large in stature, 
having received much strength of the Lord." (4:31)  Remember what 
I wrote for you in a song on September 6th, 1980: 

"Your name is Paul, you think youÕre tall, 	
  But you are really, very, very small.  	
  YouÕre almost three, not yet a tree, 		 
  But hopefully someday you will be.  		

  Your love of life and self-confidence,
  Exhibit the faith of youth.
  I wish I knew the things you believe you know,
  And could do the things you think you can do."

Paul, like Sariah, your mother has, for good reason, "complained 
against (me), telling (me) that (I am) a visionary man,"  (5:2) and 
many other things.  Despite our differences, I want you and your 
siblings and the ward to know I love your mother with every 
particle of my being, like I believe Lehi loved Sariah.  Paul, like Lehi 
I attempt to set an example for you by searching the scriptures, as 
well as the modern electronic "plates of brass" known as the Internet 
"from the beginning, studying the creation, and our genealogy."
(5:10-11)  ÒThese plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, 
kindreds, tongues, and people. ...  Never perish(ing) neither (being) 
dimmed any more by time."  (5:18-19)  In fact, it may turn out to be 
"wisdom in the Lord that" you carry the knowledge of how to send 
home a message via your Internet chess board as a means of having 
real-time contact with your family while you are Òin the wilderness" 
of Siberia.  (5:22)

Paul, I believe that like Nephi it is "the fullness of (your) intent (to) 
persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaic and
the God of Jacob" (6:4)  Remember, that when you come "up unto the house of 
Ishmael," "gain favor," and "speak unto them the words of the Lord," 
and "their hearts will be softened."  (7:4-5)

Paul, I want you to hear this again in slightly different words:  Like 
Lehi, "I have dreamed a dream."  (8:2)  "As I partook of the fruit . . . 
it filled my soul with exceeding joy."  (8:12)   As a result I have 
attempted to hold fast to the "rod of iron" and to stay on "the straight 
and narrow path."  (8:19-20)  In the words of Jeremiah: "Blessed is 
the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.  For 
he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out 
her roots by the river, and shall not see when the heat cometh, but 
her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of 
drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)  
It may be foolishness to the world to believe we have sufficient, that 
money can become obsolescent, and that we can develop our 
stewardship to live a sustainable life, never ceasing from yielding 
fruit.  This is my dream and the dream of many friends all across the 
globe.

Paul, like Nephi I believe "the Lord knoweth all things from the
beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works 
among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the 
fulfilling of all his words.  And thus it is."  (9:6)  Paul, remember that 
Lehi prophisized John the Baptist would baptize the Lamb of God, 
"who should take away the sins of the world." (10:10)  and "should 
rise from the dead, and should make himself manifest, but the Holy 
Ghost, unto the Gentiles."  (10:11)  Paul, like Nephi responding to the 
spirit you have said to me by your recent actions "Thou knowest that 
I believe all the words of my father."  (11:5)  Hear me when I say 
you will come to understand the beauty and "the whiteness of the 
driven snow," (11:8)  which description Nephi used to compare to the 
beauty of the tree of life.

Paul, like Nephi you will have the opportunity to "bear record that 
the Holy Ghost fell upon twelve others; and they were ordained of 
God, and chosen" to minister.  (12:7-8)  You need to always watch out 
for "the large and spacious building, which ... is (the) vain 
imaginations and the pride of the children of men."  (12:18)  Paul, 
remember "the book proceeded forth from the mouth of a Jew ... 
contain(ing) the fullness of the gospel of the Lord, of whom the 
twelve apostles bear record."  (13:24)  You will come to realize how 
"the plain and most precious parts of the gospel of the Lamb ... have 
been kept back by that abominable church"  (13:32)  and will be 
"blessed ... (as you) seek to bring forth ... Zion ...(with) the gift and
the power of the Holy Ghost"  (13:37) as he, or is it she, "shall make 
known to all kindreds, tongues, and people, that the Lamb of God is 
the Son of the Eternal Father, and the Savior of the world; and that 
all men must come unto him, or they cannot be saved"  (13:40) "for 
there is one God and one Shepherd over all the earth."  (13:41)  
Remember "if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in 
that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also 
in power, in very deed, unto the taking away of their stumbling 
blocks."  (14:1)

Paul, like Nephi you and "I (have felt) overcome because of (our) 
afflictions, for (we) considered (our) afflictions were great above all."  
(15:5)  Paul, it was hard to watch my Dad die this last year from 
cancer, and not resent the nuclear tests in Nevada that also took 
my Grandfather and your namesake, Paul Hafen. of your doing`s.  (19:1)  
It was especially hard because my Dad did not make that journey from 
Cedar City to St. George to take out his endowments in the temple of our 
God prior to dying, shortly after his 80th birthday.  Friends can care, 
can attempt to provide solace, but we, like our Savior, must bear the 
cross of our trials alone.  And as we act in faith and submit our will 
to that of the Father of us all, I testify we do receive a witness of the 
importance of our meager efforts.  We do receive hope that we can 
be together again as members of an eternal family at the tree of live 
so eloquently described by Lehi.  Remember Nephi`s admonition: 
"Have ye inquired of the Lord?" (15:8)  Remember, "the day should 
come that (we) must be judged of (our) works, yea, even the works 
which were done by the temporal body in (our) days of probation."  
(15:32)  Therefore "exhort (your) brethern, with all diligence, to 
keep the commands of the Lord."  (16:4)

Paul, recall those times when it felt like you "did break (your) bow, 
which was made of fine steel."  (16:18)  Like Lehi, at times when this 
has happened, your "father began to murmur against the Lord his 
God; yea, and (we) were all exceedingly sorrowful."  (16:20)  But we 
learned that "the pointers in the ball did work according to the faith 
and diligence and heed given unto them," (16:28) and to "see that by 
small means the Lord can bring about great things." (16:29)  In fact 
"the Lord hath created the earth that it should be inhabited; and he 
hath created his children that they should posses it." (17:36)  If 
needed "the Lord can instruct you how to build a ship."  (17:51)  As 
an aside, I believe Lehi took his son Nephi on merchant trips, 
probably to Egypt, where he would have seen the pyramids and the 
process of creating them, and possibly to Greece, where he would
have seen the Parthanon, and the process of creating the great 
temples.  Recall when I took you to Calgary to help me give a 
professional presentation, and where we spent a day exploring 
Baniff and the geologic processes God used to create this wonderful 
home we call earth.  It would not surprise me to see you someday 
become involved in terraforming Mars for human habitation.

Paul, in the meantime, when you are "treated with much harshness," 
remember "the Lord (does) suffer this that he might show forth his 
power, unto the fulfilling of his word which he ha(s) spoken 
concerning the wicked."  (18:11)  "After the space of many days (you 
will) arrive at (your) promised land."  (18:23)

Paul, get notebooks and "engraven upon them the record of" your 
doing`s.  (19:1)  "Do not write anything upon the plates save it be that 
(you) think it be sacred."  (19:5)   You will gain strength from these 
words written in your innocence.  As you go about your missionary 
work "read many things unto them which were written in the books 
of Moses; ... that (you) might more fully persuade them to believe in 
the Lord their Redeemer ... read to them that which was written by 
the prophet Isaiah; for (we can) liken all scripture unto us, that it 
might be for our profit and learning." (19:23)  In fact, you will 
discover we "have a knowledge of the creation of the world."  (II 
Nephi 1:10)

"Awake!  and arise from the dust, and hear the words of a trembling 
parent."  (1:14)  "I desire that ye should remember to observe the 
statutes and the judgments of the Lord." (1:16)  Remember the Lord 
"hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye 
shall prosper in the land; but inasmuch as ye will not keep my 
commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence.  And now that 
my soul might have joy in you, and that my heart might leave this 
world with gladness because of you, that I might not be brought 
down with grief and sorrow to the grave, arise from the dust, my 
sons, and be men, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, 
united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity." 
(1:20-21)  "There is a God, and he hath created all things, both the 
heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to 
act and things to be acted upon." (2:14)  "It must needs be that there 
was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree 
of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.  Wherefore, the Lord 
gave unto man that he should act for himself." (2:15-16)  "Wherefore, 
men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them 
which are expedient unto man.  And they are free to choose liberty 
and eternal life. through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose 
captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the 
devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto 
himself." (2:27)  "If ye are cursed, behold, I leave my blessing upon 
you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon 
the heads of your parents." (4:6)  Have you noticed I have not quoted 
anything about the twins, Lamen and Lemuel?  Roice and Ben are not 
like these guys, rather they are like Alan and Brent Peterson, who 
also chose not to serve missions in their youth.

Paul you have been far from perfect thus far in your life.  Control 
your anger.  Like Nephi, your siblings "were angry with (you, and not 
necessarily) because of the admonitions of the Lord."  (4:13)  So 
when your "heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am!  Yea, (our) 
heart sorroweth because of (our) flesh; (and our) soul grieveth 
because of (our) iniquities (because we are) encompassed about, 
because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset 
(us)" (4:17-18) remember Ònevertheless, (we) know in whom (we) 
have trusted." (4:19)

So Paul, prepare to "take (y)our tents and whatsoever things were 
possible for (you), and ... journey in the wilderness for the space of 
many days"  (5:7) and "live after the manner of happiness." (5:27)  
"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also 
our brethern, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we 
know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." 
(25:23)  Do not sleep longer than is needful.  Obey the mission rules, 
even if they sometimes seem foolish, like a strict curfew has for 
most members of our family.

"The right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not; and Christ is 
the Holy One of Israel; wherefore ye must bow down before him, a 
worship him with all your might, mind, and strength, and your whole 
soul; and if ye do this ye shall in nowise be cast out." (25:29)  For "he 
manifesteth himself unto all those who believe in him, by the power 
of the Holy Ghost; yea, unto every nation, kindred, tongue, and 
people, working mighty miracles, signs, and wonders, among the 
children of men according to their faith." (26:13)  The Holy Ghost is 
the copyright of God.  "There are also secret combinations, even as in 
times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the 
founder of all those things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of 
darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, 
until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever." (26:22)  The 
Lord "commandeth that there shall be no priestcrafts; for behold, 
priestcrafts are that men preach and set themselves up for a light 
unto the world, that they may get gain and praise of the world; but 
they seek not the welfare of Zion." (26:29)  "The Lord coventeth with 
none save it be with them that repent and believe in his Son, who is 
the Holy One of Israel." (30:2)   "And then shall the wolf dwell with 
the lamb; and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf, 
and the young lion, and the fatling, together; and a little child shall 
lead them.  And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones 
shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.  And 
the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned 
child shall put his hand on the cockatriceÕs den.  They shall not hurt 
nor destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the 
knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.  Wherefore, the 
things of all nations shall be made known; yea, all things shall be 
made known unto the children of men." (30:12-16)

Paul, be like the good side of Nephi, where he says "For my soul 
delighteth in plainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work 
among the children of men.  For the Lord God giveth light unto the 
understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, 
unto their understanding." (31:3)  Remember "if ye would harken 
unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye 
must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but 
teacheth him that he must not pray.  But behold, I say unto you that 
ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform
anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the 
Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance 
unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul." 
(32:8-9)  And you will find you "pray continually for them by day, 
and (your) eyes water (your) pillow by night, because of them; and 
(you will) cry unto (your) God in faith, and (will) know that he will 
hear (your) cry." (33:3)  Teach the Russians that "the gate by which 
ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then 
cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost.  And 
then are ye in this strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life; 
yea, ye have entered in by the gate." (31:17-18)  And "ye must press 
forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of 
hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press 
forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, 
behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.  And now, 
behold, my beloved brethern, this is the way; and there is none other 
way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the 
kingdom of God.  And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and 
the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of 
the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end.  Amen." (31:20-21)

#651, 09Dec96, Place.
"I love you because you opened up to me.  You talked about your feelings.
 You talked about how frustrated you are.  You explained to me that you
 `feel trapped where you are at,' and when I said `Well let's move out of
 this house,' you said `it is not a physical place, it is ...' (my poor
 interpretation/recollection) `a place where I am completely boxed in,
 can not grow, and where I will die if I don't get out of it.'  You talked
 about how upset you were at the possibility of chemicals controlling you,
 expressing how once Jolene got you on Prozac everything seemed rosy,
 and how unfair it was to think you could be controlled by a chemical.
 You talked about how the only option is for you to get away.

 Based on how things between us have degenerated, I agree.  You are not
 yourself, and are not acting like the woman I fell in love with over the
 23 years of our marriage.  If anything you are becoming your mother,
 the way Chuck described her to everyone at Christmas two years ago, and
 the last time you so adamantly told me you would be seeking a divorce
 right after the first of the year.  

 However, if the place you are at is not a physical place, I doubt that by
 running away to another physical place you will be able to solve your
 problems or find happiness.  I recommend that you define the `place' you
 are at in spatial terms.  First, draw a box on a piece of paper and put a
 circle in the middle of the box.  The circle represents you and the box
 represents the walls of the place you are at.  Then you name the walls:
 tension, self-flagellation, etc.  Once you have named the things that have
 you trapped, then you can look for portals or doors or windows or trapdoors
 that can take you out of that room and into another room.  Draw the next
 room and repeat the naming process. 

 You can run to the other side of the fence (to find greener grass), but
 if you don't know how green the grass is where you are at, how will you
 know if the grass is greener when you get to the other side of the fence? 
 You can run to your friend's house and watch the rocket's game,
 distracting yourself from the realities of the place you are at, but I
 anticipate your will find the day will come when you will be forced to
 come to the level of humility required for the spiritual insight necessary
 to recognize the place where you are really at.  I pray for that day, that
 you might be able to get yourself out of the place you find yourself and
 into a place where you can be happy and have joy.  

 I am available to help you name the place you are at, if you will let me.
 I am available to help you rebuild the place your are at.  You choose
 whether to use me as a resource or not.  I will be here for as long as
 there is any glimmer of hope that you can leave the place you are at (and
 the place you run to after a divorce).  I will be here to help you come
 back and work with me, with the objective to divorce our old marriage and
 build a new one.  I pray for the day you will be willing to help me build
 a place where you and I and our children can have the stable environment
 we need to develop and practice problem solving skills.  An environment
 where we can live after the manner of happiness and grow together to reach
 our potential as daughters and sons of God. I am willing to do this and
 I want to do this because I love you." 
 
#652, 10Dec96, Pressured.
"I love you because you are sensitive.  It is sad how this sensitivity
 has turned inward in regards to any kind of a relationship with me.  
 It hurts me to see how a look, a tone of voice, a phrase, or something
 else I usually don't even recognize am doing is felt as pressure.  I
 have pressured you by kissing you, but certainly have not pressured
 you physically like many potential divorcees report.  As we discussed
 last Saturday, the pressure you feel is like the pressure Data felt as
 the Borg woman blew across the hairs on his arm.  There is no question
 there was pressure, and in this fictional world, there is no question
 that it had an impact on Data.  As I sat next to you in that movie, I
 heard and saw you react to the pressure Data felt.  I am so sorry you
 have chosen, whether it be consciously or unconsciously it does not
 matter, to see me and those things I represent, like the restored Church
 of Jesus Christ and our Saviors admonition to repent or to `go and sin
 no more,' as a constant source of pressure.  It is not my intention to
 force or pressure you or your decisions.  You have your free-agency, and
 ultimately we are each responsible for our own lives.  We can lift each
 other, and because my actions have misperceived, I am now beginning to
 see how they have felt like pressure, and have actually pushed you down.
 It has certainly never been my conscious intention to pressure you or to
 push you down.  I am sorry I have not recognized how sensitive you are
 sooner.  I am very weak in some areas, but I should have seen what was
 happening because I love you." 
 
#653, 11Dec96, Austin to Dallas.
"I love you because you were with me all day Wednesday, at least in my
 mind.  I gave a Virtual Seminar to four folks at Statoil in Trondheim,
 Norway from 6:00 to 7:30 from my hotel room.  I thought of you and how
 you could use this same `technology' to teach those things that you are
 so good at.  The Bureau refused to let me use any of their computers
 because of policy, and so I had to write out what was on each image and
 to talk from my notes.  I thought of you and the pressures you feel from
 the bureaucracy at your school.  I invoiced Statoil $445 for that hour 
 and a half of work.  I thought of you and wished I was doing 20 of these
 seminars a month, so we didn't have any financial pressure to add to
 everything else going on in our lives.  As I drove to work, I started
 singing one of the songs Carolee included in the joint Catholic/LDS
 recital this coming Saturday night.  I thought of you, and how your
 excellent efforts as a choir director laid the groundwork for the Slack's
 choir, for this the third joint choir with Epiphany, and for all of the
 joy I have had in participating in these choirs over the years.  The
 song is `Oh Yule Full of Gladness and Joy and Delight,' and it is a very
 bouncy, fun song, which was in my mind and coming out of my mouth as a
 whistle or a hum all day long.  I thought of you, and your teaching us
 to `tighten up our sphincter' and to sing `Clap Your Hands.'  Then I 
 drove from Austin to Dallas and I recalled the last time we made that
 drive, together.  We had driven to Austin to spend the 4th of July with
 Roice and Pat Krueger.  This was in the mid 1970's.  I thought of you,
 I thought of Roice watching a movie late at night alone with a scowl on
 his face, and I thought of me and my circumstance now.  I don't remember
 the drive back to Dallas 20+ years ago, but I do remember feelings.
 Thank you for all of the good times and growing times we have had together. 
 I love you." 
 
#654, 12Dec96, Sealings.
"I love you because you were again with me, in my mind, as I went to
 the temple on Wednesday morning.  I had spent the night in a Day's
 Inn, because it was the cheapest place I could find, with roaches in
 the room and everything.  Reminded me of our house on Quail Run after
 the Ruggles moved all of their stuff out of our garage. 

 I got to the temple at 7:00 and just missed a session.  So they had
 me go in and do sealings.  It was the first time I recall ever doing
 proxy sealings.  When I went in there were an older couple kneeling
 across the alter taking the vows for about three couples.  Then they
 would switch to another couple.  Then they had a sister join a couple
 and she placed her hand on the hand of the couple, and was proxy as
 two daughters were sealed to a couple.  Then Elder Hal Richmond, the
 sealer and the High Councilor that worked with me when I was the
 Elder's Quorum President in the Dallas 1st Ward, asked me to join
 the couple, place my hand on theirs, and I was proxy as four boys
 were sealed to their parents.  I thought of you.  I thought of our
 kids.  I thought of the future.  I wept inside, and yet I felt hope
 that time will heal the wounds we so strongly feel.  Later I was
 proxy as several couples were sealed, with two different beautiful 
 little old grandmother's.  At 7:50 I was excused to go get a name
 and participate in a session.  I was the only male, besides the 
 session leader, and there were 5 beautiful white haired grandmother's
 with me.  I was one of the witnesses.  I thought of you and of all
 of the times we have had the opportunity to be witnesses together at
 the alter of the temple of God. 

 As I left the temple, I felt filled, and, for no realistic reason,
 full of hope for the future.  I recalled a Chinese fortune cookie I
 got on Monday evening that said: `You will live a long and happy life.' 
 Then I recalled a Chinese fortune cookie I got on Wednesday, when I had
 lunch with Roice at the same place, which said: `You enjoy beautiful
 music and art.'  I thought of you.  Then I went to Seagull Books and
 bought a christmas present for each of our kids and for you.  It was
 a time of mixed emotions, hoping my efforts would be appreciated, but
 fearing rejection, once again, by each different member of my family.

 Then I went to the Royal Oaks Country Club and gave a talk to 58
 members of the Dallas Geophysical Society.  It was well received, and
 I was given a beautiful redwood pen and box as a token of appreciation.
 I was full of hope as I drove home.  Then we had the phone conversation
 shortly after I passed Huntsville, and the polite fight when I got home.
 Melanie came in about 8:30 and we talked for a little while.  I told
 her about my talk, showed her the pen set, said `How does it feel to
 have a father that is famous, and who has failed at everything that is
 most important to him?'  And I cried, and I cried, and I cried.

 But we are still sealed, you have not asked to have those temple
 blessings revoked, and I retain hope that I will live a long and happy
 life.  I do recognize, as Joseph Smith recorded in D&C 122:7 `that all
 these things shall give (me) experience, and shall be for (my) good.'
 Thank you for giving me experience and helping me grow.  I love you." 
 
#655, 13Dec96, Pick Up Paul.
"I love you because you drove to Huntsville and picked up Paul. 
 I love you because you love our children and are willing to serve
 them, as you quoted from King Benjamin in your talk last week,
 even when you might not want to.  

 I had a dream this morning that I remember.  It was really more 
 like the results of meditation than a dream.  I thought of
 service, and of the service you provide to our kids, even when you
 don't want to.  I thought of all of the times over the last five
 years you have told yourself (and me) `I do not love him!' and I
 recognized `it would be pretty impossible for someone to say that
 to themselves thousands of times and not believe it.'  I thought of
 all of the times you have `got even with me' by refusing to do 
 something, and realized `where there is no service given there will
 not be any love.'  I thought of 14 years of secretly meeting your
 own sexual needs, and realized `why should she need you.'  I thought
 of the problems we have discussing and handling finances, and thought
 `why should she not want to escape from the pain surrounding money.' 

 Then I thought of Ron Lewis.  Ron recently retired from Pennzoil, 
 is a consultant for a Dallas oil man named Layton Humphries, and
 I met with him from 4:30-6:30 last night about a 3-D project we are
 designing for them.  He talked about how he is working for Layton and
 will not take on any other consulting jobs.  He said I don't need the
 money and I have plenty to do talking care of my wife.  I didn't ask
 what that meant, but I thought of how much I love you, how much I am
 willing to and want to do for you, how much I want to serve you, how
 there is nothing I won't do for you if you will tell me what you 
 would like and then let me be of service to you, and how much you will
 be giving up if you follow through on your plans to divorce me. 

 My dream or my early morning meditation ended with a puzzle as I woke
 up: `How can there be any hope of Marti loving you if she consciously
 chooses to not do anything for you.'  My needs are simple, and so I
 have not asked for a lot of service for myself.  One of my biggest
 needs is to be of service to others and I hope you will let me be of
 service to you.  Writing lovelets to you has provided an outlet for
 this need, and I hope this effort is received with the love that is
 put into it.  If there is anything I can do to be of service to you,
 I would appreciate your letting me know.  I feel this is an area where
 I can shine, but at the same time, I recognize my efforts can lead you
 to feel overwhelmed.  You have told yourself for so long you don't
 love me that you can not bring yourself to do anything for me.  It may
 seem easier to escape than to be smothered, but I hope you can define
 `a source of oxygen' other than running away to a new place.  I
 realize that the old me undid any service attempts by being judgmental,
 sarcastic, blaming, and shaming.  I have changed!  You can be of service
 to me and to your children by giving me a break and recognizing I have
 changed because I love you." 
 
#656, 14Dec96, Kathy Deford's Letter.
"I love you because you shared the letter you received from Kathy
 Deford with me.  I hope she is right and that whatever your choices
 you do blossom.  I also hope that your choices do not impact our kids
 and their problem solving abilities, particularly Rob and Sara.  There
 is nothing I would like more than to be proven wrong in terms of your
 making those choices which will help you find the maximum fulfillment
 and happiness in your life.  Sure I have a big ego and believe this
 will happen with me.  But if I am wrong and it won't bring you and our
 children the most happiness, in an eternal perspective, to stay with me,
 I will be glad to see you vindicated over time.  This is because I want
 the best for you, which is only natural since I love you." 
 
#657, 15Dec96, Like Feeding Squirrels.
"I love you because you gave such a neat visualization of what I need
 to do to have a relationship with you, namely to treat it like feeding
 squirrels.  I have fed a lot of squirrels over the years.  I will try
 not to startle you, try not to move quick or force anything, and I will
 try to make available tasty morsels.  You ask me to stop writing lovelets.
 Over the last 657 days, this is the only thing that I have been able to
 do that has provided any kind of semi-regular positive response.  This,
 and the fact that it gives me an opportunity to describe my feelings, is
 why I choose to keep putting this morsel out there for you.  I will try 
 not to use lovelets to lecture, to look down on you, or to otherwise be
 condescending with you.

 I was pleased with your reaction to Merril's comments about my lovelets.
 I agree that he is right on track.  I have changed, and with your feedback
 the changes will become permanent.  I love you." 
 
#96.50, Insights.
"It must be Christmas time, or something else must be keeping everyone busy
 including me.  There was a brief note from Chuck, and I have spent some time
 with Paul and Roice this last week.  Thought I would write briefly about
 some insights gained this week in a couple of different conversations.

 Actually, it was about a week-and-a-half ago Roice and I were having lunch 
 and into this real heavy discussion over a Subway sandwich, when he said,
 `Well, when I was in my prime, I could do that.'  It doesn't matter what it
 was he could do, it is just so funny that a 22 year old, skinny as a rail
 athlete that works out almost every day, would talk about this time in the
 distant past when he was `in his prime.'  It was a real insight to me to 
 realize how we each perceive our own circumstance so differently from someone
 else who has more or different life experiences.  Then Wednesday we had lunch
 again.  We were talking about how small decisions can have big impacts.  Roice
 was pointing out how you can't know what is going to happen, like how hard the
 design class he is just finishing up would be for him, and so how could he have
 avoided taking the class?  The conversation continued, and I suggested that
 maybe there was just a difference between us in terms of our planning horizon.
 He was worried about the current semester and I think in terms of what will
 happen in 40 years.  Without missing a breath, he said `No, Dad, you think
 in terms of the impact on eternity!'  Guess I learned that it is awfully hard
 for someone worried about finals to communicate with someone who is not even
 in the same order of magnitude, relative to a planning horizon.

 Then that evening I had a conversation with a friend and partner, Bill Bavinger,
 via the cellular phone from a roach motel in Dallas (where I had gone to give a
 talk for the Dallas Geophysical Society and to slip in a session at the temple in
 the morning).  Usually I am gaining all of my insights from Bill, but this time
 he got me talking and we both learned something related to a project he is getting
 involved in called Ecocity Saville (a national directive in Spain to prototype a
 whole new kind of ecological city).  He asked me to write it down, and I include
 it for your review and for a possible conversation topic during the Christmas trip
 to Colorado and to drop off Paul at the mission home in Utah.

 These are a brief summary of some philosophical musings on patterns and design. 
 A recent e-mail introduced the concept of a meme as "a piece of patterned
 information carried and expressed by a human brain."  On view of patterns of
 thinking developed and carried on by different cultures can be classified as
 spatial and tied to 1-D, 2-D, 3-D, and in information space N-Dimensions.

 For instance, the Australian Aborigines' culture is characterized by 1-D song-lines.
 The song-lines are the trails across Australia that "belong" to a particular tribe.
 The trails are memorized as songs and passed from generation to generation.  
 Song-lines can cross and they can overlap.  The tribe's territory is the trail.  
 They have no concept of land ownership in their "meme."  Property boundaries to
 an Aborigine are like someone in flat land recognizing a sphere.

 Western culture, to some degree, is based on the 2-D concept of topography.  We
 divide the topography into 2-D territories and fence off our ownership.  The 
 music of the German masters can be tied to the topography of their experience
 in frequency and amplitude.  The Scottish songs and poetry reflect the rugged
 highlands, while Elizabethan music and literature mirror the rolling hills
 and pastoral grasslands of England.  Modern rock music has the beat and chaotic
 tempo found in the topography of our modern cities.  Sure, there are other factors
 affecting modern culture, but the 2-D surface we daily view and walk across is
 a basic defining factor in our "meme."

 A synergistic culture is evolving today (http://www.walden3d.com/S1) based on
 the freedom to move in 3-D.  We have had scuba type equipment and submarines
 for over a century.  We have had airplanes and helicopters for 85-50 years.
 Science is introducing us to the 3-D patterns in nature from the very small
 (electron-scanning microscopes) to the small (nuclear magnetic resonance [NMR]
 and positron emission tomography [PET-Scans]) to the human-scale (x-rays and
 computer-aided tomography [CAT-Scans] to the large (3-D seismic and potential
 field imaging) to the very large (telescopes, including the Hubble telescope).
 As we come to understand the interconnectedness of "things to act" and "things 
 to be acted upon," our meme becomes three-dimensional.  The ecological movement
 is a result of taking a holistic view of natural environments and built form.
 It seems a natural extension of this thinking that we are going to use information
 based thinking to conceptually design new kinds of environments.  Cities that
 grow out of the geology of the region, with a sustainable union with the natural
 environment.  As the human mind unravels an information-based understanding of
 natural processes over time, we create a 4-Dimensional meme, and literally come
 to know the mind of God."

#658, 16Dec96, Squirrel in a White Silk Nightgown.
"I love you because you looked and acted like a squirrel in a white 
 silk nightgown as I was getting read to leave for Austin on Monday 
 morning.  You had come out to use the front hall bathroom while I
 was outside loading a box in the car.  When I came in, you came out
 of the bathroom and stood in the hallway, your head hung down, mostly
 asleep, starting back to bed, hesitating, acting like a squirrel that
 wants some bread crumbs, but is afraid they will be smothered if they
 allow themselves to be hugged.  Thanks for letting me kiss you on the
 forehead again.  I will not smother you because I love you." 
 
#659, 17Dec96, Keep the House.
"I love you because you were so understanding when I told you on
 the phone I want to keep the house, if you decide to leave.  I have
 been thinking about it all week long.  Was it wrong to take the job
 in Austin?  Is it wrong to want to keep the house?  What do I do
 to support the person I love most?  What do I do to support me?  Is
 it selfish to want to keep the house, the memories, a place for the
 kids to feel comfortable when they come back, etc.?  Who is it that
 wants to leave?  Does that mean I should leave, if I love them?  Or
 is love sometimes saying, `Ok, I don't understand, but if you must
 leave, leave, and yet do not insist that I leave.' 

 As a logistical thought, I will not be able to take care of the house,
 or watch over it until my contract in Austin is over.  It will take
 some time for a divorce decree to be issued.  In the meantime, it
 would be nice to have someone in the house, making sure pipes don't
 break, toilets don't flood, etc.  I hope, in a worst case, you will
 consider continuing living the way we have been living for the first
 few months of 1997, rather than taking on the unnecessary expense of
 setting up another household.  I love you." 
 
#660, 18Dec96, Substitute Coverups.
"I love you because you are smart.  There was a book on my bookshelf
 that seemed out of place.  It is called `To know me is to love me.'
 Inside the cover is a note from Bob (I assume Johnson), dated August
 1992, saying `I've found this book to be a useful meld of my Mormonism
 and my professional belief system.  Hope you will find time to read
 it.'  I don't recall seeing the book before, but I have been reading
 it, and I really think it has some wonderful insights.  I quote:

 `... Let's talk about some of the tricks, the cover-ups that the
  negative self uses to compensate for the pain of feeling "not good
  enough."  There are two basic negative self styles--both extremes of
  behavior.  One is to over-react, which is an aggressive, domineering
  style, and the other is to under-react, which is a passive style.  
  For short, we can call these styles "overs" and  "unders."  Most
  people have a preferred style.  For instance, when I'm in my negative,
  I usually use "overs" to try and get what I want.  After a while, if
  that doesn't work, I might switch to "unders."  Other people stick
  exclusively to one style, whether it gets them what they want or not.'

 `What are some examples of these two negative styles?  "Overs" include
  things like yelling and screaming, violence, sarcasm, superiority 
  feelings, bossiness, bragging, and over-control of others.  "Unders"
  include things like withdrawing or escaping from situations; being
  quiet, shy and meek; pouting; being a doormat (completely submissive
  to what others want even if it hurts you); or being overly permissive
  with others.'

 `In order to understand our negative selves better, let's look at some
  of the most common negative cover-ups in detail.  We will see how most
  of these can be expressed as either "overs" or "unders" depending on
  the favorite style of the person.'

 The author then discusses temper, impatience, poor parenting,
 sacrificing super-parents, fear of criticism, and task orientation. 
 I recall when we used to read books to each other.  I would like to 
 recommend we read and discuss this book together over the Christmas
 holidays.  I certainly recognize I have substitute coverups from the
 portion of the book I have read so far.  As I said at the beginning
 of this lovelet, you are smart, you will probably see this in a much
 deeper light.  I would love the opportunity to learn from your
 insights, and to spend some time coming to understand myself better
 with the individual that knows me better than any other individual
 living.  Thanks for considering this request.  I love you." 
 
#661, 19Dec96, Black Underwear.
"I love you because you so matter of factly answered my questions
 about the black underwear I found in the dryer when I went to fold 
 the clothes.  I am sorry you choose not to wear your garments, for
 I do believe they are a spiritual and physical protection.  However,
 that is your choice.  I am glad you do not have someone you are 
 modeling your black underwear for.  I wish you felt you could model
 it for me, and I will always be available, if you ever have a desire
 to do so.  It is so much better to be up front, honest, and to talk
 about choices, than to `have to do the laundry before Roice gets
 home, in case he does his laundry and mine and draws some awful
 conclusion.'  I wish you knew how much I do believe in you, despite
 the sneaking signals I too often pick up on, and specifically I wish
 you knew how much I love you." 
 
#662, 20Dec96, Screen Name.
"I love you Melyn, Marti, and Martha Ellyn.  I love you because you 
 are becoming the same in your fantasy world, your public world, and in
 the real you.  It was nice to get an e-mail from you with the words:
 `I'm sorry you have the wrong screen name.'  Just as I recently heard
 `it is nice when people can be the same in public and in private,' or
 in other words can be the same all of the time, it is nice to see you
 put Melyn somewhat behind you.  I look forward to, and I dream about
 those days when you choose to live up to your wonderful name of Martha,
 the lady doing all of the work for Jesus and his entourague (even though 
 she rightly complained a little bit), the wife and companion of our
 first President, and in my mind (my fantasy?) a dignified whole and
 self-confident woman who is completely in touch with herself and with
 those around her, taking the bad and turning it into good, keeping all
 commitments and promises, and sharing love from her inner strength. 
 Thanks for sharing your new screen name.  I love you." 
 
#663, 21Dec96, Paul's Endowment.
"I love you because you laughed with me as I described some of the
 funny things that happened at the temple when Paul took out his 
 endowment, as we drove to The Great Caruso to the Energy Innovations'
 Christmas party.  I will repeat some of the things here, so you have
 them in writing.

 When we first got to the temple, we went in to Beehive Clothing and
 Paul said `Hi' then `How are you?' then `I'm going on a mission and
 this is my first time here!' all with enthusiasm.  The lady behind
 the counter said, `I can tell.  Where are you going!'  Then he said,
 `Novosibirsk, Russia, Central Siberia.'  This part of the conversation,
 with the associated shock, was repeated many times during the day.
 Then Paul realized he forgot his discount coupon and went out to the
 car.  She said, `Siberia?'  I said, `Yes, it's a good place for that
 kid!'  She said, `Now Dad.'  I said, `I'm serious, it is a good place
 for him to go.'  She hesitated, hung her head and said, `Well I guess
 we have all said to our children if you don't behave I'm going to send
 you to Siberia, and now you are really doing it.'

 As Paul changed into whites after his washing and anointing, a
 missionary that had just returned from Provo, Utah started talking to
 him, and said `Well, I hope you enjoy your two year camping trip.'
 Paul was pumped and everyone could tell.

 We had the instruction with two other's who were just taking out their
 own endowment.  One was a very dark India Indian from Tyler, Texas.  The
 other was a black man with dreadlocks from The Bahama's, via Missouri.
 The black man was also getting sealed.  There was a question about 
 garment's and intimate times by the man from Tyler, and the Bahamian
 said `Just take 'em off man.'  Paul just laughed and laughed every time
 he thought about it.  Finally he told you and Sue Feil about it in the
 kitchen on Sunday, but only after I told him he could.

 Probably the most touching was when we went down to get some lunch at 
 the cafeteria.  He was blown away that there was a cafeteria in the temple.
 He also found it neat that the doors had a solid metal plate where the
 the door latch normally would be.  Extra expense.  In the cafeteria line
 a lady came up behind me, and Paul looked at her and said, `Do I know you?'
 She said `I don't think so.'  He said, `Have you ever been to Huntsville?'
 She said `No.'  Then he saw her name tag and said, `You're Sister Smith!
 You're the one that made my appointment for me!'  She said acknowledged
 that was probably so.  He went on and on, `My friend Skeeter at Huntsville
 also made his appointment with you.  He told me how cool you are.  And
 we told everyone in Huntsville how special you are.  You are really neat!'
 She was flabbergasted.  She said, `Will you tell my supervisor?'  then 
 she got serious and said `I have the best job in the whole church.  Thanks
 for remembering me!'  Paul said he and Skeeter both said they were going
 to look up Sister Smith and he was very glad he met her.  It was a very
 neat two minute interchange.

 Then in the prayer circle, Paul was bending down so Sister Daniels could
 put her arm on his shoulder and they both started laughing.  He was in awe
 of everything.  It was really a fun day, and it was particularly special
 to share it with you as we rode to the Energy Innovation's Christmas party. 
 It was special to have you say `Was Paul ok?'  To see how concerned you
 are for Paul.  Then to see and hear you laugh with me.  Thanks for this
 moment of joy.  I love you." 
 
#664, 22Dec96, Sue Feil.
"I love you because you have taken care of everything for Paul's
 farewell party.  It was really nice of Sue Feil to come over and
 help, especially since you won't let me do anything to help you.
 I want to do the right things so bad, and it seems like no matter
 what I do it is unacceptable.  Well, at least things seem to be
 going well for Paul.  He had a good group of friends at his setting
 apart.  Brother Rowbury, Gary and Roetta Jones, Brother Grua, 
 Brother Keller, our family, Bishop Daniels, and of course Kristina.
 They were cute as he hugged her before being set apart and then 
 she rode home with you and he rode home with me.  Thanks for making
 this day special for Paul, for telling him how proud you are of him,
 for letting Sue Feil help, and for making everything so special for
 Paul.  Thanks for talking to Rick, and being happy.  Thanks for
 showing a little bit of concern when I started crying and could not
 seem to stop.  I wish you could recognize just a little bit of love
 for me and had just a little bit of hope that we could divorce our
 old marriage and build a new marriage.  At least I love you." 
 
#96.51, Farewell.
"As Melanie, Sara, and Paul know, tonight we had an absolutely full house.
 I was sorry that Rob and Ben did not join with us and that Roice was
 already in Colorado snow boarding and couldn't be here.  We do have a
 lot of friends, and it was wonderful to see the house full of them, a
 house full of laughter, a house full of talking and joy, and a house full
 of people who care about Paul and wanted to wish him the best as he makes
 final preparation to leave for Novosibirsk.

 This is my first time to experience the emotions of a farewell so directly.
 I thought the sacrament meeting a couple of weeks ago went well, and there
 were a lot of nice comments to those of us that participated: Roice playing
 an original number on the piano, Marti and Paul's talks, as well as my 
 talk.  But it was quite different to have so many friends come to the
 house, show such enthusiasm for Paul's choice, and express their support
 for each of us in the family, and really caring. 

 It was especially nice to see David and Karen Kessler and their two kids. 
 They are growing up so fast.  Jordan is already 5 years old.  For those
 not of our immediate family that get this thoughtlet, David lived with us
 several times for extended periods of time.  He was a PhD student from
 the University of Tel Aviv at the time.  He was also a tank commander in
 the Israeli Army.  In fact, the last time Israel made a major incursion
 into Lebanon, David's group was within a few miles of Arafat's command
 post (the Palestinian's didn't even know they were under attack yet),
 and he was told to back down and not take it.  They would go in and take
 over Russian tanks, wear uniforms of their opponents, and the other side
 thought they were their guys.  David has visited the farm with me.  Marti
 and I stayed with Karen and David for about a week in Israel, and they
 took us everywhere.  I guess I could go on like this about each of the
 various members of the ward, and each of the other non-member friends who
 came by, but I won't.  I will just use this opportunity to tell all of
 you how proud I am of Paul's choice, of how well he seems to be preparing
 himself, and of how good of a job I believe he will do.  I am sure there
 will be hard times, like the 20 pounds Uncle Lloyd mentioned he has lost
 in his Christmas e-mail, but I am equally sure there are benefits that
 outweigh this kind of a loss.

 I guess the beauty of a missionary farewell or even of the farewell
 accompanying the death of a loved one is that we know it is temporary.
 We know we will see them again, that there will be an opportunity to
 embrace, to be seen as we are seen, and to know as we are known.  In
 the longer term perspective this is because of the love of our elder
 brother and our Savior, whose birth we celebrate this week.  I wish
 each of you happy holidays, and look forward to seeing an expanded
 dialog develop over the coming months relative to my efforts to
 distribute these thoughtlets."

#665, 23Dec96, Listen.
"I love you because you were able to listen to Rob last night.  In
 a very similar way to not understanding your divorce decision, I
 do not understand Rob's refusing to wake up for church, insisting
 on throwing the ball at Sara's door, continuing to play the harp
 when you repeatedly told him not to, throwing the pool balls across
 the pool table with Joe and insisting he not stop, and then demanding
 to watch TV or to go to Joe's house.  Sara was saying the same thing
 with `My back hurts from my bed,' `Mom, do you realize how little
 sleep I have gotten this last week!' and her statement to me `Don't
 even talk to me!'  There is so much hurt in our family.  These two
 kids are so focused on blaming me for all of that hurt.  I realize
 I have set the tone for blaming, shaming, sarcasm, and criticism.
 I guess the blame that is coming my way is only justified because
 of the past.  It still hurts more than I know how to say.  I tell
 myself, my kids really do love me underneath all of this hurt, and
 they are really only reflecting their Mom's hurt.  Then I tell myself,
 `Remember how much Sara used to hate Dad, but how she reveres him now.
 Patience.  You are doing the right things and just as you are now 
 being punished for doing the wrong things in the past, remember that
 you will be blessed in the future for doing the right things now.' 
 However, it doesn't make it any easier now, when those I love so much
 will not talk to me so I can listen.  As you take time this holiday to
 listen to the wind blowing through the trees, I hope you hear how much
 I love our children and how much I love you." 
 
#666, 23Dec96, Fly.
"I love you because you will help each of our kids as we fly to
 Colorado for Christmas, then fly to Utah for New Years and for
 putting Paul in the Mission Home, and then as we fly back to
 Houston.  I will do my absolute best to not react when things
 get tense and someone loses it.  I already know that when it
 happens, you will be the main source of calming available that
 the children will listen to.  I do not understand this but I
 accept it as a fact of our lives right now.  In my dreams I see
 our family take on wings and I imagine us as we fly over all of
 the issues we face.  It does give me comfort to know we are
 together on this trip, that we will help each other in every
 way possible, and to know as an absolute fact how much I love you." 
 
#667, 24Dec96, Christmas Day 1996.
"I love you because you are with me this Christmas Day 1996.  We 
 are often told to live each day as though it was the last day of
 our lives.  In my normal tendency to `cite my mind forward,' as
 I talked to Paul about Christmas in 1998, I said there would be
 one of three things happen: (1) I will come to Russia, and spend
 Christmas with you and bring you home; (2) your Mom and I will
 come to Russia and spend Christmas with you and bring you home;
 or (3) our family will come to Russia and spend Christmas with
 you and bring you home.  I know you know my preference, because
 I know you know I love you." 
 
#668, 26Dec96, Wave Racer
"I love you because you do care about our kids.  You helped made sure
 they had a wonderful Christmas.  The classic example was Rob's Nintendo,
 and specifically watching him and Roice and Ben and everyone else in
 the room as we leaned, covered our eyes, and became one with the game.
 I thoroughly enjoyed running on Spring Creek Trail.  Found a nice
 place to talk to God, and felt comforted.  I also enjoyed the puzzles:
 both the 3-D globe and the housing along the river.  But mostly I
 enjoyed watching the positive interactions of our children, which at
 your Mom's house were largely centered around Wave Racer and Rob's
 new Nintendo 64. Thanks for being our kid's Mom.  I love you."

#669, 27Dec96, Bowling and Movie
"I love you because you went bowling with Ben, Roice, Paul, Sara,
 Racheal, and I.  It was really a lot of fun to see how much you
 get into the game.  It was neat to give you a high-five and especially
 to have you give me one.  I enjoyed sneaking a few hugs.  But mostly
 it was special because we were all playing together and really enjoying
 it.  Thanks.  Let's do more of this kind of playing.  Maybe we can make
 up a little bit for not having done enough playing in the past.

 The movie 'One Fine Day' was ok.  It was particularly special to me
 because we were there together, even though we were a tremendous
 distance apart psychologically.  Thanks for letting me sit by you.
 I didn't take this movie as personally as many other's, although in
 looking back I can see how it would be easy to do so.  Thanks again for
 a wonderful Christmas Vacation.  I love you."

#670, 28Dec96, Dislocated Shoulder
"I love you because you stayed with me and took me to the emergency
 room in Aurora, Colorado to have my dislocated shoulder put back in
 the socket after falling off of the ice on Fred and Linda's porch.
 It was especially special when you called me 'Sweetie' and 'Hon' and
 when I said 'You really do love me a little bit, don't you?' and you
 did not hesitate a moment in saying 'Yes.'  I wish you would build on
 these moments, and not toss them off as emotional insanity or some
 such other thing.  When I was talking to your cousin Fred about the
 kind of work I do these days, your divorce plans came up.  I asked if
 he could give me any insights.  He said, 'I don't know, but I do know
 that Marti is very stubborn!'  I hope you can take a minute and relive
 any positive and loving feelings you might have had as part of this
 whole experience of providing service to your husband of 23 years.

 Recently, my mind has often returned to that day shortly after Christmas
 two years ago, when we met at the foot of the bed and hugged.  You were
 really horney, and you said 'I think I love you.'  Then I responded
 'Well don't say it until you are sure.'  I regret so much that I said
 those words, because I've come to believe that love sometimes comes by
 saying 'I think I love you.'  Maybe it is one of the reasons I write
 these lovelets.  There is no question about the fact that as I think
 about and write out why I love you, even though you have stubbornly
 decided that you can not be loved and that I really don't love you, it
 reaffirms in spades my love for you.  Thank you for acknowledging that
 you love me a little bit.  Thank you for helping me when I was hurt.
 I do love you."

#671, 29Dec96, Music and The Spoken Word
"I love you because you wanted to get up Sunday morning and go to
 hear 'Music and the Spoken Word' with me and those kids who were
 interested.  It was a wonderful program.  The violin for Ben and
 the harp for you.  Good solid advice, and absolutely beautiful
 music.  I enjoyed the time we spent on Temple Square (except at
 the very end of the evening when a rejection brought out all of
 my insecurities and fears of impotence and not being able to love
 someone in a way that is meaningful to them.  I especially enjoyed
 going up to Farmington in the evening and spending an hour or so
 with Debbie and Steve Wood and their boys.  It was so neat to see
 the kids and you pour over the pictures of Hafen family reunions,
 and especially to hear them tell all of the Nelson family stories
 again and again.  Melanie came up to me after and said, 'I guess
 the last few years I have been getting in trouble to make up for
 not doing anything wrong when I was little, but I am through now.'
 It was nice to have Paul confess he was the one who wouldn't admit
 to starting the fire the night I misused the belt.  It was especially
 nice to laugh with Ben and Roice and Paul and Rob about the mistakes
 they made in their younger youth.  I thought the Italian dinner was
 very nice.  I was disappointed in Rob, but he is old enough we have
 to let him make his own choices and live with the consequences of
 those choices.  This will be much easier to do and much more effective
 if we are together.  All in all it was a wonderful Sabbath day, even
 if it was completely different than most Sundays.  Thanks.  I love you."

#96.52, Family.
"I decided to send two thoughtlets this week to make up for being out of
 town last Sunday.  The importance of family really came to home to me as
 we traveled to Colorado and Utah over Christmas and New Years.  I want
 to thank each of you for agreeing to go and see Paul off.  I realize there
 were a lot of other things you would have rather been doing.  I thought
 we had a pretty good trip, despite Rob's broken arm while skiing, my
 dislocated shoulder after falling on the ice, forward off of Mom's cousin's
 front porch (Fred and Linda Burger's), at 4:30 AM as we were leaving for
 the new Denver International airport, and despite not meeting with more
 of the Nelson cousins when we were in Utah.

 Please recall with me how, now that we are back home, you don't remember
 being so bored.  Remember how much fun it was to watch everyone twist and
 turn with Rob, or Ben, or Roice as they ran WaveRace on Rob's Nintendo 64.
 Remember how much fun it was to see Chuck and Rachel and his new sports
 car.  Remember Grandma Jackson's prayer on Christmas, and how glad she 
 was to have all of us there with her.  Remember putting a puzzle together
 or reading a book or going to a movie or going bowling (I still can't
 believe Rob carried his bowling ball with him to Colorado and Utah!).
 Remember flying to Salt Lake without Mom and Dad, and picking a motel
 on your own, walking around Temple Square together, looking at the lights,
 and listening to the people, and watching Paul talk to all of the 
 missionaries as he told them where he was going.  Remember going up to
 Farmington (twice) to see our cousin's Debbie and Steve Woods and their
 kids.  Remember how please Grandma Nelson was to have us all around the
 table for the wonderful meal Aunt Sara prepared.  Remember going skiing
 with Uncle Des, how excited Sarah Johnson was to see Zion Canyon, the
 funny way Grandma Hafen was (her way of showing how pleased she was to
 have everyone come and visit her), going to a movie in Cedar, and helping
 Rob after he broke his arm.  Remember how neat it was to see Paul and
 Sharon Nelson at the Mission Home, where they came to drop off Kendall
 to be in the same missionary orientation Paul was in.  Remember how funny
 our Paul was as he described how the florescent dot on his shirt was the
 latest technology and if he `thought a bad thought he would implode and
 disappear into another dimension.'  Remember how we continued telling
 family stories as cousin Debbie fed us dinner, and Sara got lost going
 to get Sarah and Ben and they almost didn't make the plane we caught
 home a day early.  Remember how it felt to be home.  These good memories
 of family will never fade, if we take the time to recall them.

 Sort of like the song I wrote on Aunt Bettye's porch (Fred's Mom) on
 05 Aug 1973: `I Once Saw A Family'.  It was all in my imagination, but
 it was based on the family get togethers at my Grandma Nelson's when I
 was a kid, and was what I dreamed would happen in our family.  I repeat
 the words here so you can share my memories of the past and future:

 1. I once saw a family round an old fireplace,
    Talking of things they had done.
    Children and parents, Great-Grand-Dad's there too,
    Recalling stories told before.
 
 C: I watched them sing and play, and dance the time away,
    Living their lives like a perfect rhyme.
    Like mankind should be, a big happy family,
    Loving and sharing all of the time.

 2. Cousins running through the grass short and tall,
    Playing games young people play.
    Uncles and Aunts talk of when they were young,
    And the things they did to have fun.

 3. Dinner time and they all gathered round,
    A long oak table for a feast.
    Sister serving little brother tries to help,
    Tripping on Frodo, who gave out a yelp.

 4. Evening goes, and the fire burns down low,
    With coals that look like children asleep.
    They all gather round in a circle on their knees,
    Expressing thanks for days like these.

 Thank you all y'all for being part of my family and for the memories
 we have and will continue to develop and to share.  To you kids, thanks
 for making the effort to have a nice family Christmas/farewell vacation."

#672, 30Dec96, Shortcut to Cedar and Patience
"I love you because you went to the church movie 'Legacy' with
 Paul and Rob and I.  I was really touched, and I'm sure you were
 also.  You are that same dark haired pioneer girl, only you went
 off to Texas to have a family and put up with me.  Please always
 remember our joint legacy and never let it die.

 I was really surprised by your reaction to my shortcut to Cedar and
 patience.  I have been over that road dozens of times, and I thought
 I told you the first 20 minutes would go very slow.  It was symbolic
 to me that your patience ran out after the last stop sign and the
 last traffic light and that the average speed the rest of the way to
 Cedar was over 70 miles per hour.  I feel like the whole discussion
 about divorce is similar.  Sure the road I choose may not have as
 much traffic on as the freeway, but it was beautiful.  Looking at
 Utah Lake instead of shanty towns along the freeway, and looking at
 the prairies and the trees and the mountains and the outcrops instead
 of watching for someone coming up behind you too fast or turning into
 you from the side is a much more pleasant drive for me.  Roice and
 Rob and I had bets about when we would pass the train that we met at
 Delta.  We had a really good time in our car.  I understand from Paul
 your car basically complained about it not really being a short cut.

 I guess the trip was also symbolic of my 'business' philosophy.  I am
 not interested in being part of the pack and a cog in a big corporation
 (although it was flattering to have Peebler ask me indirectly if I
 wanted a job when we were at the Rocket's game).  I have spent a lot of
 time the last few years going through stoplights and traffic.  As some
 of our work is just getting to the wide open road, there is really no
 limit as to how fast we can go, other than common sense about safety
 and sustainable growth.  Sure there are a lot of curves in the road, but
 it still gets to 'Cedar' (or maybe I should say all roads return to
 'Jesus').  I am interested in only having those business partners that are
 in the car with me, and not in building another Landmark and staying on
 the freeway of traditional business strategies.  I strongly feel like you
 are choosing to eat the goose that has laid golden eggs, just as some of
 those who believe in me and I are starting to recover from the hemorrhaging
 accompanying attempting to force too many eggs out the chute too fast.

 One of the nice things about modern life is you don't have to spend much
 time in my business car and in the desert if you don't want to.  You can
 spend your time in the city and working with those that need your help,
 and I can still do my thing and enjoy the freedom of a virtual enterprise.
 The key is that I can provide the resources to run our family, and I am
 getting better at being there to have fun and help recall the legacy we
 have built over the years.  Please be patient for a few more months.
 Please see the beauty of the lake and not the danger of the curves.
 Please recognize you love me (even if it is only a little bit) and please
 realize there is someone, namely me, who loves you a whole bunch."

#673, 31Dec96, Last of LMRK (HAL) Stock
"I love you because you insisted we put aside stock and savings for
 a rainy day.  It doesn't get any rainier than the possibility of 
 getting a divorce, but at least I know you will be taken care of
 for a while if you continue to insist on going ahead with your plans.
 We sold the last of LMRK (HAL) stock on the last day of the year,
 meeting my tax objectives.  The stock sold for less than we hoped,
 but still brought in $94,878.15 after transferring 10% of the stock 
 to the church for tithing.  All proceeds from the sale have been
 transferred to our joint account for you to use as you see fit.  I 
 have closed my individual account at Prudential-Bache.  

 It was a busy day in Utah too, what with everyone but Paul and I going
 skiing, and particularly with Rob breaking his arm.  I love the way you
 said 'I want to be with him!  This is my opportunity to shine!'  I am
 so glad you care so much about him and our other kids.  This is one
 main reason I continue to retain hope that you will soften your stance
 and change your mind.  You are too smart to eat the goose I mentioned
 in the previous lovelet and too caring to put your needs in front of
 your kids needs.  I truly believe with a little bit of cooperation we
 can figure out a way to meet your needs, our kids needs, and my needs.

 I am recognizing my needs are becoming less and less each day.  I do
 not need you to do my laundry, iron my shirts, cook my meals, or keep 
 our house clean.  I do not need sex.  I do not need to touch and hug
 and hold you.  I like to, but it is not a need like breathing.  And the
 list goes on.  I will accept your support and will do my best to help
 meet any needs you might have.  But only if you want me to and only if
 you initiate the process.  Whether you decide to go ahead and seek a
 divorce or not I will figure out a way to give you all of the money you
 feel you need, and I will stop trying to kiss and hug and otherwise show 
 physical affection.  I will still ask if I can rub your feet or your back,
 and I will always be available, but at your choice because I love you."

#674, 01Jan97, Zion Canyon
"I love you because you went to Zion Canyon with Sarah Johnson and
 me.  Other than the speeding ticket and seeing you get a little bit car
 sick, I thought it was a really nice trip.  I love that canyon.

 Lyman Hafen writes that the Indians call it Mykumtuweap, or land of my
 heart and of my God.  Roland Lee's water colors of the canyons are so
 beautiful they make me cry.  I told Raymond that looking back I wished
 we would have moved back to Cedar in 1989, after Landmark had gone public
 and before HyperMedia became an entity and then my boat anchor.  He looked
 at me and said: 'Well Roice, remember we don't have 20:20 hind sight
 either.  It might not have turned out like you now imagine.'

 I was glad to see you feeling better by the time we got to St. George.
 You were wonderful with Grandma Hafen.  I realize there is a dance you
 women do, and I really don't see it, but it sure appeared to me like
 the two of you were communicating.  As you talked to Sarah about some
 of the things Grandma has done, got her to get out her weaving and to
 give some to Sarah, and kept things on track with your review of the
 New York Times and the appropriate insights about lovers, poetry, and
 other things I knew nothing about, I realized again how much I love you."

#675, 02Jan97, Paul to the Mission Home
"I love you because you were so supportive in taking everyone with
 Paul to the Mission Home to see him off.  You helped get everyone ready,
 said happy birthday to my sister Sara, and kept things moving in the
 right direction when Rob didn't want to change clothes at the Blimpe's.
 I didn't recognize Roice's clenched jaw until you mentioned it.  I knew
 Ben was not comfortable, but he seemed to do OK.  I realize Rob was
 reacting to change.  I didn't get much feel from the girls since they
 were in your car.  I know Melanie did not want to walk around the BYU
 campus in the rain.

 I laugh everytime I think of Paul explaining to Robert how the little
 florescent dot on his shirt collar was the latest technology that if
 he had a bad thought would cause him to implode and be sucked into
 another dimension.  Then there was the 'I am Borg.  I will only do what
 President Hinkley tells me to do.  I am Borg.' comments.  I am really
 looking forward to his first few letters.  I expect the discipline to
 be very hard for Paul, but I also know it will be very good for him.  It
 was certainly a cold, miserable, rainy evening.  One of the real bright
 spots was that Paul and Sharon were there to put Kendall in the mission
 home.  Darrell Krueger wrote me an e-mail and says his daughter Susan
 goes into the Mission Home on January 8th.

 You were very good at following me back to North Salt Lake.  I had a
 hard time telling where you were some times, but the ski rack on the
 Alamo car was unique enough it helped me know you were behind us.  I
 enjoyed going to Deb and Steve's  again.  It was fun to share Cory's
 21st birthday with her.  Kind of balanced out the day and the birthday
 wishes to Sara that morning.  Thanks again for doing that which was
 hard because you love our kids, and you at least respect me and my wishes,
 and I think you love me, at least a little bit.  I love you."

#676, 03Jan97, Screw Them
"I love you because you were so please with the Delta ticket agent's
 response to you when you got all eight of our tickets changed to
 stand-by 24 hours in advance.  As you told me how he said: 'Well I
 am really not suppose to take these tickets without the $50 change
 fee.  But there are 22 seats.  Oh, screw them!  It will be hard for
 them to figure out who made the change any way!' you were glowing
 with the joy of conquest.  It was almost like it was a very personal
 physical experience (or again I say conquest) for you.  You were so
 cute how you beamed.  I am also glad we got home a day early.  I
 think everyone would have been bored out of their mind, and at least
 at home they had friends to talk to on the phone or to play Wave Racer
 with.  And our waterbed feels so much better on my sore arm than those
 motel beds.  It was just nice to be home.  Keep up the conquests,
 especially when they make you smile and happy after a long, hard day.
 I love you."

#677, 04Jan97, Rockets In Person
"I love you because you agreed to go to the Rockets game with me.
 As I watched you be stubborn (your cousin Fred's word) Friday
 evening and Saturday morning, I was afraid you would not know what
 you were missing.  Then you agreed to a compromise.  And low and
 behold, once you got there and were sitting on the first elevated
 row in the Summit and were right in back of the rocket's bench,
 you turned to me and said, 'I would have been really mad if I had
 got you to give these tickets to Ben!'  It was nice to see that
 things could work out ok for you when you compromise a little bit.
 I thoroughly enjoyed going to the game with you, and am willing to
 buy you season tickets for next year for you and me if you will let
 me.  This is not a bribe, this is an attempt to start 'playing,' in
 order to keep our sanity and to learn to enjoy each other more.  I
 realize I am fat (your words), and possibly you are embarrassed to be
 seen in public with me.  However, I am working hard on the weight
 issue, both with exercise and what I eat, and according to our
 scales at home I am still down 8 pounds from where I was the 6th of
 December.  And then there was the chance encounter with Bob Peebler,
 that actually resulted in a phone call and fairly large consulting
 opportunity on the Tuesday after the game.

 I must admit I did get jealous of the attention you seemed to shower
 on your neighbor both times I went out to get food and a program.
 Then I figured: 'Either she is trying to make me jealous or she is
 not.  If she is not, it is great because she is just having a good
 time and she might realize she loves me because I provided her the
 opportunity to have a good time.  If she is trying to make me jealous,
 it means she loves me and this is just her way of showing it to me.'
 In either case, thanks for going with me and I do love you."

#678, 05Jan97, Crying Uncontrollably
"I love you because you consoled me as I started, yet once again, to
 cry uncontrollably Sunday evening.  You even put your head on my
 shoulder and you said words like 'It is absolutely not my intention
 to emasculate you.'  I do not know what it is that builds up inside
 of me until it breaks.  Fear of failure?  Recognition I have failed?
 Fear of the future?  Fear people will recognize what a phony I am?

 The crying started when Melanie told me about a conversation she had
 had with Chris Schmidt.  On the way back from missionary correlation,
 in the morning, Chris had told me about the cliff hanging BYU performance
 at the Cotton Bowl and how much he and Michelle had enjoyed going to
 the game.  I mentioned Melanie just lost a roommate at UT Austin and
 was again considering BYU.  I had encouraged him to tell her about the
 game.  Melanie told me he told her about the game, and then she said
 'He went on and on about how good of a school BYU is and how he had
 gone to four universities and how BYU was so much better than all of
 them.'  In attempting to reconstruct the moment, it is like I don't
 expect anyone to do anything of their own free will for someone who
 is as horrible of a person as I am.  I was just completely caught off
 guard by this kindness, and just lost myself in self-pity (from my
 interpretation of the Bishop's comments in the morning) and feeling
 like such an absolute and total failure at the only things that have
 ever really matter to me: my wife and family.  I had cleaned up all of
 the Christmas stuff, and as I wrapped each different ornament and each
 different Santa Clause I was wondering what will happen next Christmas,
 and the next, and the next.  I was doing the dishes when Melanie came
 in and talked to me.  Maybe I was feeling guilty because I have not
 done the dishes near enough over the course of our marriage.  Probably
 I am just overwhelmed by your resolve and commitment to that which I
 believe with all of my heart will harm you, harm our kids (including
 those not at home), and harm me.

 I wish it were possible for me to tell you how much I love you in a way
 you would understand and accept.  But then, we are a pair, and you have
 exactly the same insecurities I have.  You play your insecurities out in
 a withdrawing, feminine way.  I play mine out in an overconfident, macho
 way.  I do not believe it is too late to be real with each other.  I
 want so much to be worthy of your love and friendship because I love you."

#97.01, Home.
"As we left Paul at the Missionary Training Center and prepared to head
 to Salt Lake Thursday evening, everyone seemed to be saying `Why do we have
 to stay another day, I want to go home.'  I'm not sure how we ended up with
 airplane tickets returning a day after dropping Paul off, but we did.  It
 was really nice of Debra and Steve to allow us to come and share Cory's
 21st birthday with them and to feed us dinner.  However, I think everyone
 was relieved with the ticket agent said, `I'm not suppose to change these
 tickets without a $50 per ticket surcharge, but there are 22 empty seats
 on this flight.  Oh, screw the rules, it will hard for them to figure out
 who made the change anyway.'  So we got to Houston Thursday night about
 midnight, and got home about 1:30 Friday morning.  Everyone was wiped out,
 but everyone was glad to be home.  

 I have been doing a lot of thinking about home lately.  My home will always
 be the farm by Cedar City.  Guess the dirt gets in your veins when you play
 and work in it your whole youth.  I have tried my best to provide a
 consistent place for all of you kids to feel is home.  We have been in
 this house on Emerald Green for over 12 years now.  One of the things I
 have come to understand about myself is that I have a strong sense of
 place.  I am a spatial thinker, which is why I enjoy geology and geophysics
 so much.  And I become deeply rooted to a place, finding it very hard to
 move on and to leave.  When I took Paul to the temple a few weeks ago, we
 were later than anticipated leaving and I wanted to fly back to Houston to
 go to the Energy Innovations Christmas Party.  Still, Paul and Kristina 
 (Paul's girl friend that was just baptized a couple of months ago and was
 at the temple doing baptisms while Paul took out his endowments) were
 in the car and I took the time to drive past our first `home' in Dallas
 (not counting the apartment on Webbs Chapel) on the way to the airport.
 Just barely made the airplane, but we saw the cute little cottage on
 Hanover Street.  A few minutes ago I read the song I wrote about our `home'
 at the University of Utah, and was amazed at the wisdom in the words of a
 23 year old newly wed, basically saying home is where you put in a lot of
 effort. 

 There have been several times this past week when family members have said
 `I just want to go home.'  Tonight Rob and Sara and Melanie and I took
 down the Christmas decorations, and I could not stop thinking about our
 home.  I even spent some time letting my melancholy thoughts run out my
 tear ducts.  In fact, I spend a lot of time these days playing scenarios
 in my mind about what my home will be like in the future, and I wanted to
 write this thoughtlet to share my simple insight.

 Home is the environment we make each day.  I won't take everyone's time to
 apologize for my mistakes or try to recount every wonderful time we have
 ever had.  But I do want to promise to always have a home for anyone in my
 immediate family (and our extended family that wants to come and visit,
 e.g. Steve Wood might come duck hunting here next fall).  There might be
 some tears of joy and some tears of pain, there might be some fun and there
 will probably be some work, but all in all I will strive to have a positive
 environment for you to visit and hope you will all take advantage of the
 offer as often as you possibly can.  I hope you kids will learn from the
 environments we have provided you and will improve on them when you each
 start to build your own homes."

#679, 06Jan97, Misunderstood
"I love you because you let me tell you about my conversation with
 Dr. Aronson Monday morning.  I feel like you don't want to see me or
 to even talk to me, and it seems you don't come home from school or
 wherever you go until after 5:30 at night so you don't have to be
 around me.  Repeating what I thought at the Rocket's game, either
 you are enjoying yourself (which I should be glad about) or you are
 trying to make me jealous (which means you do love me).  Whatever the
 case I do tend to get jealous, and I have thought about following you
 after school to find out 'where you really are going.'  I do not know
 why I get so jealous.  Guess it goes back to those insecurities I
 mentioned in the last lovelet.  I will not follow you, and I will not
 hire someone to follow you.  I will probably think about it sometimes,
 but I will not do it because I know it is the wrong thing to do.

 I don't know if I will finish my essay (11 pages so far) written to
 prove to you how well I know you.  Dr. Aronson is right, even if there
 is good stuff written in an inventory like this, there will be things
 not mentioned, and it could just be used to show yourself I really
 don't know you.  He is absolutely right that I need to act so that you
 are comfortable in letting me get to know you.  I have been trying to
 do this, and I will continue to do my best to show you I can be trusted
 with the knowledge about the most intimate parts of your life.
 Sometimes I feel like you bring up things you want me to forget more
 than I ever have or do.  In addition, Dr. Aronson is absolutely right
 that I need to realize there are things I will never know about you in
 this life and learn to accept that fact.  I am trying to do this too.
 I feel I am very open with my life, but maybe I am just fooling myself.

 The key is probably what you said to me: 'It is not that you don't know
 me is that I am so misunderstood.'  I not only misunderstand you, but
 I think I misunderstand myself.  It seems to me the only way to gain an
 understanding of you is to spend time together, to talk, to share, to
 probe, and to lovingly try to understand.  It seems I could even learn
 about myself doing this.  I believe we can come to understand both
 ourselves and each other if we will make this little bit of effort.  I
 am not asking for humiliating exchanges in the bedroom.  I want to
 understand you more than anything else in my life, because I love you."

#680, 07Jan97, Living Faith
"I love you because you were an inspiration for me to drive down to
 'The Book People' ('The Tattered Cover' of Austin) and get an
 autographed copy of Jimmy Carter's new book 'Living Faith.'  In fact,
 I bought two copies on your credit card.  One is to send to my mother.

 I have only read a few chapters, but I sense a real common bond.  His
 use of the scriptures is very Baptist, but his openness and honesty
 are truly refreshing.  He went bankrupt.  He almost lost his wife
 because of uncontrolled jealousy.  He sees faith as a noun and as a
 verb.  The verb, or living faith, is the key faith in his personal
 life.  I believe this same kind of active faith is what can help us
 turn our marriage into the most special marriage on planet earth.

 To quote you the night I discovered the e-mail: 'Please don't give up
 on me!'  Please join with my living faith and believe, even if it is
 no more than to desire to believe, we can make our marriage work because
 I love you.  And I do and always will love you."

#681, 08Jan97, Dying Arm.
"I love you because you have been on my mind almost every minute of
 this week.  It has been a very hard week for me.  My arm hurts a lot.
 It is a dull, strong ache which doesn't go away.  It keeps me awake
 at night.  It distracts me as I attempt to work.  It is especially
 hard to type or write.  It feels like I have a dying arm.

 I went to a Chinese Restaurant for lunch on Wednesday and had spicy
 shrimp.  The fortune said: 'Cheap things are of no value, valuable
 things are not cheap?'  I thought of you.  I thought of our marriage.
 I thought of my arm.  When I came out of the restaurant I noticed a
 center for orthopedics, hands, and trauma in the same shopping center.
 I have been back several times, but there has been no one there.  I
 asked next door and they said she would be there on Friday.  In my
 typical impatience and attempting to fix things, I will walk in on her
 and see if she will at least give me some advice on if and how I can
 wake my arm back up and get rid of the pain.  I bought a heat massager,
 Ben Gay, have been taking 2 Ibuprofen three times a day, have
 been taking long hot baths, have not been running or exercising my arm,
 and have been praying.

 Whenever I move my arm I feel the pain.  When it just sits there I feel
 the pain.  Whenever I feel the pain I think of something snapping inside
 of you and of how you feel your love for me has died.  Maybe my arm will
 die and need to be amputated, but I don't think so.  Maybe your love for
 me has died, but it can be resurrected because I love you."

#682, 09Jan97, Lovelets.
"I love you because you have told me at times in the past how much
 you appreciate my consistent efforts at telling you how much I love
 you.  I have debated with myself ever since we returned from taking
 Paul to the Mission Home on whether I should continue to write these
 lovelets or whether I should heed your request and stop.  Obviously
 I have decided to keep going.  These lovelets are not as physically
 intrusive as kissing.  You don't have to read them.  You can just
 throw them away.  That is your choice, and you get the consequences
 of not knowing how much you are loved.

 However, for me, love is like faith is to Jimmy Carter: both a noun
 and a verb.  I cannot just love you.  I must do something to show you
 when you peek in my direction, I really do love you.  I must show you
 that I have not given up on you, have not given up on our marriage,
 have not given up on our kids, and never will give up on any of these
 three things because I love me, I love our kids, and I love you."

#683, 09Jan97, Melanie & Leslie
"I love you because you react so loving when our kids do something
 really dumb.  I couldn't sleep because my arm hurt and so I was
 catching up on reading my mail when the back door opened at 2:30 AM.
 In walked Melanie & Leslie, who had obviously gone out again after
 they came home.  It hurts more than I can say to have her say she
 'just had two beers.'  It  hurt that she told me 'I don't care, I only
 care about my  name and my reputation.'  I do not believe this is
 the case at all, but if it is, and I don't know myself as well as
 I think I do, I deserve the pain I am going through.  I talked to
 her the next night about how when there is a lot of stress it is
 easy to slip up, and she acknowledged is what happened.  Sara
 was on the phone until 2:15 AM, and when I asked her to get off she
 said 'Dad, this is really important and you just wouldn't understand.'
 I believe these are normal stress reactions from your signing the
 divorce papers and keeping our kids informed.  From what I saw, when
 I had Melanie come in the room and talk to you, and the next day, you
 handled everything with grace and love.  I believe I did much better
 than I have in the past, but I still wish I could do as good as you
 do.  Our kids need both of us together.  I love you."

#684, 10Jan97, Rockets vs Bulls
"I love you because you were so much fun to watch as the Rockets
 lost steam and let the Bulls take over the game.  I love your
 enthusiasm, your willingness to show your emotions, your excitement,
 which in this case was disappointment.  I had enjoyed spending the
 day with Ken Turner setting up and taking down the booth and helping
 get his web pages on the Macintosh.  It was a good distraction for me.
 As we finished and I came and sat down it was nice to see you and Nell
 talking.  It was neat to hear you tell her, 'I saw that interview!  I
 was sitting right there!'  I don't understand why I felt it necessary
 to say 'I was there too, and if I recall I paid for the tickets.'  I
 am sorry for my apparent need for recognition. It was nice to watch the
 Rockets game with you.  Thanks for not going to  Karen's or someplace
 else to watch it.  I love you."

#685, 12Jan97, Kid's Choice
"I love you because you want it to be our kid's choice where they
 stay after the divorce.  I thought you handled our discussion very
 well.  It really hurts me that you can not see that you are modeling,
 specifically for Sara, that the best thing to do is to run away from
 your problems.  This is why when you say that 'it is not appropriate
 to run away from your problems,' I didn't seem to be able to
 help but react.  Especially since Sara won't look at me, talk to me,
 or let me give her a hug.  Oh well!  At least you really are doing
 an excellent job of keeping on track, getting me to come back in and
 finish discussions, making hard decisions and lists, etc.  I disagree
 with your ends, but I admire your persistence.  I really do not
 expect any of our kids to choose to stay with me.  There is nothing
 I want more than to be the primary caretaker for each one of them, if
 this divorce has to happen.  But I will also let it be our kid's
 choice.  Partly because I know you will do as good or a better job
 with them than I could and mostly because I love you."

#97.02, Care.
"I got a neat brief note from Darrell Krueger on Tuesday this week, he said:
 `Roice our Susan goes in the MTC Wednesday the 8th of January.   She is on
 her way to Hamburg Germany.'  That means Kendall, Susan, and Paul are in
 the missionary training center at the same time.  Paul, please find a little
 bit of time getting to know Susan and Kendall.  Aunt Sara told me tonight
 that our Uncle Ted is back from the Phillippines a little bit early with 
 some heart problems.  Said she went to visit him and he looked really good.
 He is home in Cedar from a visit to the LDS Hospital on the way home from
 the Phillippines.  Uncle Willis and Aunt Shirley are working very hard to
 get Grandma Nelson's house finished up so they can move out of Uncle Ted
 and Aunt Vanna's house as soon as possible.  Uncle Dick and Aunt Elaine
 have been back from the Phillippines for a few weeks now.  We didn't get to
 see many relatives when we were in Cedar, but my thoughts were with them.
 Uncle Lloyd said in an e-mail they got their visa and are back `home' in
 Pakistan now.

 As I contemplate all of this wonderful service going on all across the
 world by our close relatives all across the world, I realize how much folks
 care.  I have been reading Jimmy Carter's new book `Living Faith,' and his
 description of his mother going to India to help out as a nurse in her 70's
 for the Peace Corp reminded me of the above service that is being rendered
 by our family.  It specifically reminded me of Grandma Hafen and her going
 to live with the Indian's to learn how to use roots to naturally die wool
 when she was about that same age.  There is probably nothing exclusive
 about this service relative to our family, our faith, or our country.  But
 it is exciting to think about the efforts of so many to help people of other
 cultures they don't even know and helping in ways they don't even know they
 will be using when they start out.

 I have been thinking about the word `care' since about 2:30 this morning
 when one of you came in, and after a frank discussion about sneaking back
 out of the house, opened up to me about how I `only care about my name
 and my reputation and what people think of me, and don't really care about
 other individuals and their feelings!'  It is true I am very proud of the
 name I have, of our heritage, and of the opportunities I have been given to
 serve.  It is true I believe that the best way I can love you kids is to
 love your Mom, which I absolutely do.  It is true I have `chased' her to
 the point she just wants to run away.  It is true I have spent my emotional
 energy with your Mom (not necessarily effectively), particularly for the
 last five years, and have not spent enough time with you kids, getting to
 know you and your needs and wants as well as I should have done.  I am
 doing a lot better, specifically as shown by the weekly dinners with Roice. 
 I hope these thoughtlets open up some frank and useful communication between
 me and each of you over the coming decades and hopefully weeks.  It is not
 true that I don't care about anyone else, and I am very sorry this
 impression has developed in the mind of at least one of you kids. 

 I remember when Aunt Sara and I were growing up how she felt our Dad was
 `a wimp' because of the abuse he took from Mom, and how hurt Dad was that
 he did not have a better relationship with his daughter before she got 
 married.  Then I think about the words my sister said to me on the phone
 just before we left for Utah a couple of weeks ago (some 25 years after
 the hurt feelings): `Dad was such an angel to put up with that for all of
 these years.  I miss him so much.'  I hope and I truly believe that over
 the coming days, weeks months, years, and decades you will each realize 
 how much I care, and I will come to realize how much each of you also care. 
 Thanks."

#686, 13Jan97, Kiss, a Hug While Looking at the Ice.
"I love you because you came into the kitchen in your maroon silk
 nightgown and stood staring out of the window at the lovely ice on
 the trees, boards, and trellis in our back yard.  I really
 appreciate your letting me come over, put my arm around your shoulder,
 having you give me a kiss, a hug while looking at the ice.  It was
 kind of ironic that this little moment of physical intimacy happened
 on the morning the divorce papers were suppose to be filed.  It makes
 sense to me that there was so much ice and snow on this day that the
 schools and most businesses were shut down.  It was certainly a new
 experience for me to spend the entire day at the medical center being
 tested for torn rotator cuff, nerve damage, and other things related to
 my dislocated shoulder.  Again I was sufficiently distracted I did not
 go into my despair mode.  Hopefully I am past this mode and am going to
 accept the changes and, as you say, 'get a life.'  Thanks for inviting
 me to go to the movie 'Michael' with you, Rob, and Joe.  I believe in
 angels, and I keep hoping to see one come into our life and magically
 fix everything.  But realistically it won't happen right away, nor when
 we expect it, because we both have lessons we need to learn.  I do still
 believe it will happen at sometime in the future.  In the meantime,
 I continue to love you."

#687, 14Jan97, Good.
"I love you because you when I woke up at 8:30 AM Tuesday morning
 and said 'that pill must of worked, I slept very well' you responded
 'Good!'  Little things like that tell me that somewhere deep down
 inside you still care about me, and I believe you do love me.  Even
 if I'm wrong, I love you."

#688, 15Jan97, Thaw.
"I love you because you told me to drive carefully as I left for
 Austin.  It was a pretty bad drive.  Reminded me of the runs
 between Salt Lake and Denver in 1973.  There was an accident at
 the San Bernard River (Colorado County Line), which backed cars
 up several miles.  I was stuck on I-10 for about an hour.  That
 bridge and the next 5 or so crossings of the Colorado River had
 about 4 inches of ice, mud, and moguls on them.  I just drove slow,
 like you have to do when there is a big freeze.  The nice thing is
 there is always a thaw.  It was nice to walk to lunch today and
 see how almost all of the ice is gone.  I wish you could thaw out
 as fast as the weather can.  I know time will create this thaw too.
 But even when you are sill frozen, in regards to any interactions
 with me, I still love you."

#689, 16Jan97, Jana Betrand
"I love you because you bring out the best in me.  Dr. Oley gave me
 three pills to help me sleep.  They worked real good Monday, Tuesday,
 and Wednesday night.  I could not sleep on Thursday.  It seemed I was
 up all night.  Of course, I was thinking about you, and thinking about
 my options, and worrying about getting on with my life, if you make the
 mistake of divorcing me.

 Sometime between 2:00 and 4:00 AM I had a very vivid dream, and you were
 not in it.  The main character in the dream was Jana Betrand.  I assume
 it was because she sent you a nice Christmas card.  I believe the card
 was unopened, and, as I recall, I opened it, so I'm not sure if you ever
 read it.  In the card she mentioned how John has been baptized Baptist
 and says he 'never did believe any of that stuff,' despite, as Jana
 pointed out, his being in the Bishopric for 8 years.  She said how hard
 it is for her to watch her kids stop going to church, but how she
 understands how confused they all are.  As I recall, she also said her
 testimony is as strong as ever and it is what gives her strength each
 day to meet the challenges of teaching, raising kids, etc.  I am sharing
 my dream because we have always been open with each other, and because
 these Lovelets are the only kind of journal I seem able to keep these days.

 In my dream I called Jana and invited her to fly to Houston and spend a
 Saturday with me.  The dream did not include what happened as a result
 of the invitation.  It did include thoughts about how I could possibly
 help some of her kids with their testimonies.  The dream did not include
 any kind of relationship or commitments or remarriage.  But it did create
 a sense of contentment and a feeling that my life will not always be in
 as much pain as I currently feel.  Despite not sleeping much, I put in a
 good day of work, drove to Houston, and although I was very tired and my
 arm hurt a lot, Friday seemed like a pretty good day.

 What do I mean when I say 'I love you because you bring out the best in me.'
 I would never have had this dream about Jana Betrand if you were not
 challenging our basic belief systems.  As little as I recall of Jana, she
 is exactly diametrically opposed to me in terms of interests, family of
 origin, and background.  Yet I awoke from this dream with a sense of
 fulfillment and contentment which said to me 'there are an infinite number
 of paths you can take which will bring you happiness, fulfillment, and
 insure you (Roice) make it back to me (Jesus).'  I would not be looking at
 myself and trying to define the places where my insides do not match my
 outsides, if you were not challenging my past choices.  I know I am a good
 guy on the inside, who sometimes doesn't let the good part get past the
 garbage layer.  A garbage layer which seems to be tied to having problems
 with women and trying too hard to keep other people I care about from
 getting hurt.  Yes, all of this divorce talk, as well as the prayer and
 church rejection stuff, is very hard for me to accept.  I guess I know that
 much more Satan exists and has real power.  But on the other hand it is
 bringing out the best in me, helping me to recognize some weaknesses, and
 reconcile my insides with my facade.  Thanks for helping me grow, but, at
 the same time, please realize this thanks does not mean I think we should
 get a divorce.  I believe we should divorce our old ways and get a happy
 new marriage.  And why, it comes down to the fact I love you."

#690,  17Jan97, Hurt Arm.
"I love you because you were concerned about my hurt arm when I got
 home.  I don't remember what you said as I laid down to go to sleep,
 but I remember the sincere concern, if you will, the love.  Thanks!
 I need that kind of food these days, and even little indirect morsels
 give me hope for our future together.  However, if there weren't these
 events, which I am assured in your present frame of mind you consider
 misinterpretations on my part, I want you to know how much I love you."

#691, 18Jan97, Marti@aol.com.
"I love you because you didn't laugh at my stupidity, and you seemed
 to understand how embarrassed I am about having sent Lovelets to
 Marti@aol.com since the 10th of December, not even realizing there
 was a possibility they were not going to you.  I haven't gone and read
 over the 38+ Lovelet's and 5+ Thoughtlet's that were sent to this
 woman, whoever and wherever she is.  I have wondered if I should
 send her an e-mail and apologize, or ask her what she thought of
 what she read, or just forget it.  Actually I was only embarrassed
 for a minute, and only embarrassed because of my stupidity.  I think
 it is kind of neat that someone else has had an opportunity to know,
 even if it is just a little bit, how much I love you."

#692, 19Jan97, Mouse.
"I love you because you asked me to get the mouse (or was it a rat)
 out of the mousetrap.  It has been some time since I have felt needed
 in even this little kind of a way.  I have always been proud of your
 independence and your ability to do what ever needed to be done if I
 was away on a trip or tied up on a big project.  Over the last couple
 of years I have wondered whether it was a mistake to encourage and
 help build that independence.  The answer is it was the right thing
 to do, because after all, marriage, like romance, 'is when two
 independent people, knowing that they can live very well without each
 other, choose not to do so because life is more fun and interesting
 together.'  I am sorry there were mouse droppings in the bar and the
 pantry.  I have known it and I have not made the effort to clean
 either of them out.  In fact, I'm not sure when they were last
 cleaned out, but I expect it is closer to the time we moved into the
 house than the present.  And I am sad to say I am absolutely sure I
 didn't help in any way.  Thank you for cleaning the bar and the pantry
 out.  If you leave, or for that matter if you stay, I will try to do a
 better job of doing maintenance like this that just needs to be done
 regularly.  Thanks for needing me, even if it was only to get rid of a
 dead mouse.  It meant a lot to me to be needed, specifically because
 I love you."

#97.03, Facade.
"Clyde Tombaugh died this week.  He was the astronomer who discovered the
 planet Pluto before he even had a college degree.  He was 90 years old.

 In the summer of 1967, between my junior and senior year of high school,
 your Grandma Nelson arranged for me to participate in a 2 week J.E.S.S.I.
 (Junior Engineers and Scientists Summer Institute) at New Mexico State
 University in Las Cruces, New Mexico.  I was a little bit wild in those
 days.  We stayed up past hours, listened to St. Pepper's Lonely Heart's
 Club Band (which just came out), misused school property (took hypodermic
 needles filled them with water and would soak unsuspecting folks by 
 shooting out a stream of water through a sweater or jacket), and other
 similar pranks (some of which I won't repeat).  Besides all of the fun
 and trouble, I saw my first hologram (and tried to grab it and almost
 gave the soldiers a heart attack), visited White Sands Missile Range,
 and met the famous astronomer who discovered Pluto.  He took me aside
 and said how disappointed he was in some of my activities, mostly because
 he was a member of the church and he assumed since I was from Utah I was
 too.  Professor Tombaugh would have been about sixty at the time
 he taught me by his simple statement how our insides need to match our
 outsides, or how we need to think about the facade we show the world.

 I discovered yesterday that since about December 10th I have been sending
 your Mom's daily lovelet to someone who has the e-mail address Marti@aol.com
 instead of to her e-mail address, which is Melyn@aol.com.  It was an honest
 mistake, and the lady did send me one notice in mid-December telling me
 I was sending mail to the wrong address.  But I misinterpreted that message
 as being from my Marti, and that she had a new address of Marti@aol.com.
 It is very sobering to realize you have been pouring your heart out to
 someone you don't even know what state they live in.  Made me realize how
 important it is that the facade we show those we care about is truly
 representative of what we are inside.

 Today was a typically busy Sunday.  I haven't been sleeping very well
 because of my slowly healing dislocated shoulder.  Therefore the day
 started at about 3:30 AM.  Caught up my ironing, read the paper
 (discovered the news about Professor Tombaugh and started thinking about
 facades), went back to sleep for a little while, got up and had a hot
 bath to soak my arm and shoulder, went to missionary correlation,
 prepared a lesson, practiced with a men's group for singing `Brightly
 Beams Our Father's Mercy' in sacrament meeting, went with Chris Schmidt
 to visit and teach Edy Smith (Mike Smith's wife who has a malignant
 brain cancer and is in a convalescent center in Sugar Land), came back
 for sacrament, Sunday School, substituted for the Teacher's Quorum Advisor,
 went to choir practice, came home and took a nap, went to a baptism, and
 came home to write this Thoughtlet. 

 I really enjoy church work, and do not see it as a facade.  But as I
 contemplate changes in my life, I have really started to look hard at what
 I do to not embarrass the Professor Tombaugh's of the world, what I do to
 meet my  perceptions of my mother's or my father's expectations, and what
 is real about me on the inside that matches my outward facade.  I expect
 my challenges are fairly directly related to mismatches between these two,
 as I expect you will each find yours will be.  I hope and pray 1997 will
 be a year of reconciliation of the inside and outside for all of us. 
 Hopefully I will also catch things like how I have used a wrong address
 for Chuck and Diane for the last few Thoughtlet's sooner, hopefully
 Marti@aol.com was not offended by anything she received from me, and 
 hopefully Professor Tombaugh has truly entered a state of rest among the
 stars he so loved.

 P.S.  Uncle Tony, it needs to snow in St. George every 10 years because
 they come out with new types of film about that often and someone needs
 to take some red and white photographs.  Once in a lifetime only relates
 to visiting Mecca and Jerusalem.  Welcome to your first version of
 Thoughtlets.  Hope your back and other health problems aren't too much."

#693, 20Jan97, Insurance.
"I love you because you opened up to me some more.  I know you are
 sorry it was in anger, but I am not.  I'm not saying that as any
 kind of vindication for my anger of the past, but because I believe
 you talked about some real core issues which you have been holding
 inside of yourself for a long time.  I know this stuff has to get out
 before we can do any healing of our relationship, if we can.  I keep
 hoping and praying that we will be able to.

 I realize that the day was hard.  I don't know all that Melanie said
 to you.  I wish we could have three way discussions, so I could
 defend myself, and so Melanie could hear from both of us how distorted
 her thinking is regarding being responsible for Rob and Sara's
 fighting.  I'm not sure where this fault finding comes from, but I
 anticipate I am the source, since it is rampant in my family of origin.
 Certainly this did not set a good tone for the day.  I'm sure my call,
 my frustration about canceling for the second week in a row my
 appointment with Dr. Aronson because of Dr. Oley's work on my arm
 (both times on the day of the appointment so I am still responsible
 for the $70 bill), Rob's reaction to having a large cast put on, and
 my total frustration with the situation added to your frustration.

 I realize that the central frustration for you was the issues with
 regards to insurance.  It was interesting that there was an article in
 the paper the next day about how frustrated Doctor's are with the way
 insurance providers are requiring advance approval for tests and
 specialists.  I want to point out that the $300-500 worth  of insurance
 bills that you were so worried about is less than 0.01% of the
 $3 million + dollars I have invested in our marriage (an average of
 $100,000 per year times 23 years plus the trust and house and other
 large investments).  In other words, from a financial standpoint it could
 seem like I have every right to be 10,000+ times more upset about your
 plans for divorce (my mistake in asking you to marry me) than you have
 a right to be upset about making a mistake in signing up for insurance.
 The various discussions about money during the day seemed ludicrous to
 me.  Adding to your overreaction about what seems to me to be an
 insignificant medical bill (relative to the financial disaster which
 will accompanying a divorce), your generosity in being willing to pick
 up half of the current budget overrun of credit card bills, with no
 acknowledgment of the past times this has happened, seemed like a
 financial slap in the face to me.  I am sorry I did not react as the
 Savior would have to your request for closure on credit card discussions.

 I am very glad you recognized and appreciated my efforts to solve the
 insurance issue by going to Dr. Levin's office and getting pieces of
 paper signed for approval of outside services.  I firmly believe that
 life is so much easier if there are two people pulling together on the
 yoke that is tied to family and home.  Sometimes when we get surprised,
 like Melanie's 'dumping on you,' it seems like we are all alone against
 the fools (me, in this case) and the world.  I know Melanie must feel
 that same loneliness.  I know as I tried to get Sara's nose to stop
 bleeding, she said, though her tears, 'Why does everything have to
 happen to me!'  My response was 'I seem to be saying that same thing to
 myself every day these days.'  Certainly you felt that way on your day
 off for Martin Luther King's Birthday.  We certainly are given the
 trials we need in our life, to test each of us personally to the maximum.

 I know you feel bad about loosing control after I read to you from the
 new book Dr. Oley recommended and Rhonda picked up for me on Monday
 about how to build a loving relationship with your spouse.  I had
 started to read the next to the last chapter, which is basically about
 how when any marriage gets in trouble, if it is saved, it is because
 one partner wants to and that one partner is willing to make the
 effort to change and to truly love the other partner, in the same way
 Christ loved the church and us.  The chapter does start off with the
 two sentences I read you, basically saying that when there is trouble
 in your marriage you can: (1) get a divorce, the most immature choice;
 (2) stick it out, an only slightly more mature choice; or (3) start
 over and build a loving relationship, the only mature and Christian
 choice.  What I didn't read to you, because I had not read it yet, was
 how it says if someone has a basic understanding of and belief in what
 Christ taught and they are married they will realize that the word
 divorce should not be a word in their vocabulary.  This chapter points
 out how the scriptures are explicit, from Hosea to the Savior to Paul,
 about how divorce is not a solution (the authors modify this to say
 except where there is blatant and intentional physical abuse).  I would
 like to stress that I did not call you 'immature,' just as I did not
 call you 'stubborn' (Fred's description of you as a youth), or
 'manipulative.'  You are obviously very tender because of things I have
 said in the past (mostly from times and events I feel like are, to
 quote you, 'ancient history').  Once again I am sorry I did not have a
 better way to handle my frustrations in the past than name calling and
 striking back.  The obvious invalidity of a common child's saying comes
 to my mind: sticks and bones can break my bones, but words can never
 hurt me.  As I said to you at about 2:00 AM, I have not called you any
 names in the last year or two, I am sorry I have in the past, I hope
 that someday you will be able to forgive me and to realize how much
 I truly love you."

#694, 21Jan97, Rebreaking Rob's Arm
"I love you because you were there to provide support during and
 after the rebreaking of Rob's arm.  It was nice to talk to you
 on the phone.  It was especially nice to hear you tell me thanks
 for taking care of the insurance papers.  It was nice to know
 you were there and taking care of Sara when she also doesn't
 feel well at all.  Thanks for being our kids Mom and for loving
 them with all of your heart, might, mind, and strength.  In a
 similar way and in other ways I love you."

#695, 22Jan97, Running Away.
"I love you because you wrote me a nice and carefully thought out
 response to some of my lovelets, and specifically the one that
 referred to Jana Betrand.  I have been thinking about and writing
 notes on a printout of your letter ever since I read it this
 morning at about 7:15 AM.  My response in this Lovelet will be
 long.  This is not intended to make you feel pressured.  I am
 a male, and one of my biological jobs is to pursue.  Often,
 probably because of my lack of finesse, you interpret my pursuing
 as pressure.  Please don't feel this way and please don't see the
 only possible reaction to my pursuit as running away.  I am not
 trying to create feelings of pressure.  I am trying, in my inept
 and emotionally immature way, to show you how much I love you,
 with the hope you can someday come to love me again.

 I recognize your feelings of marital love have been 'seriously
 disrupted.'  My destructive loss of self control in the past
 (breaking the china on our 20th wedding anniversary, giving Rob a
 knife when he threatened to kill me, etc.), my labeling of my
 perception of your actions with end-of-the-spectrum names, and
 specifically the use of blaming, shaming, criticizing, sarcasm,
 and judging are completely inexcusable.  Deep in my heart I hope
 they are not unforgivable, but I do know they are unforgivable
 in the near term.  I keep thinking about my mistakes in getting
 us to the place we are at now, which include:
   1991 Not being able and not wanting to buy you a new house, the
        first time I specifically remember not providing you what
        you wanted, and responding in an aggressive, pushy, and
        mean way, largely and inexcusably to protect my self esteem.
   1992 Loosing my temper with the kids and your telling me and them
        for the first time you want a divorce; followed by my reaction
        of walking to Brookshire and contemplating suicide by stepping
        in front of a train.  Reacting to your 'spur of the moment'
        (interpreted as Sharen Johnson inspired) decision to go against
        what we had discussed at the house, vote for Bill Clinton,
        loosely hiding the fact, and my interpretation of this whole
        experience as lying and sneaking.
   1993 Inexcusably breaking 20 china bowls at 1:00 AM after our 20th
        anniversary.  I won't try to reconstruct my thoughts because
        I know for a fact this over-reaction was in no way justified.
   1994 The argument with Roice about having Joy under a blanket in
        Melanie's room watching a movie I considered inappropriate at
        12:30 AM, which resulted in Roice leaving for Austin and
        basically not coming back except for major holidays; my
        over-reaction and hitting Ben when I found out he had basically
        flunked his first year of college; my reaction to Paul's
        confession as it was colored by the death of Ron and Mary's son.
   1995 The M & M disclosures and sending Sara to chaperone your visit
        with your on-line friend in Boston.
   1996 My reaction to Rob's threat to kill me.

 I'm sure it doesn't help to bring these specifics up, but I did it so
 you can copy them, put them in an e-mail to our kids, copy that e-mail
 to the people I care the most about (the Thoughtlet list and others),
 add all of the names I have ever called you, and show how justified
 you are in your decision to seek a divorce.  I know you have told your
 version of some of the above events to Roice and Melanie and probably
 others of our children.  I have probably never tried to tell my
 perception of the events and circumstances to the kids because I know
 I have largely been in error, I do not want to cut you down in front
 of our kids in any way, and I'm too insecure to believe anyone, let
 alone a kid, could understand the turmoil going on inside of me.

 No matter whether you continue to pursue running away, or whether you
 decide you are not losing your integrity by staying and working on
 building a new marriage, you need to get the pain out of your system.
 It seems to me like a first step is to share that pain with those
 you care about.  Let them know how much I have hurt you, and give them
 reasons why you have to do what you have to do.  Certainly Roice
 recognizes the tension that is in the house, just when he visits for
 a day or two.  The other's need to see this too.  I do understand why
 you write 'I think the feeling has still been there sufficiently in
 those marriages.  I can't find it in me.'  One thing I do hope comes
 out of this experience is empathy for your mother's decisions 23+
 years ago, and hopefully a better relationship between you and her.

 I must disagree in your statement that you 'keep the peace,' 'soothe,'
 'find compromise,' and 'seek calmness.'  I know you desire this, but
 if you really listen to my reactions and our kids reactions to your
 interaction with us I think you will realize these ideals are and
 have been far from being  met in our home.  Hopefully it really is true
 that 'we are both learning things we need to know.'

 I realize you 'want to take a different one of those infinite paths.'
 So do I, but my path is not labeled divorce.  My path is labeled
 'recommitment,' 'starting over,' 'repentance,' and 'love.'  In my
 weaknesses I try to describe this to you in my Lovelets.  Guess this
 is one of the reasons I printed them out for you when you first told
 me your plans and requested you read and grade all of them.  I am glad
 you appreciated all of my miss-sent mail.  I am sure it was difficult to
 read it all in a block.  I wish you would consider spending an evening
 with your Jewish teacher friend, or someone else you respect, and
 reading and grading or talking about my Lovelets.  It seems to me it
 would be of benefit to get someone else's non-emotional reaction to
 the circumstances we find ourselves in.  Karen does not meet the non-
 emotionally involved criteria in my mind.  It seems to me you could
 find a safe place to talk about why you perceive there is such a
 struggle and such turmoil, and what the root causes of the tension are.
 Possibly Carolee Weber or Sue Feil, our one of your teacher friends.

 I believe that much of the 'struggle' and the 'turmoil' will cease
 if we both start on the same path.  I do not believe this is possible
 if the path is divorce.  I believe divorce is a setup for mean-spirited
 communication every time a kid needs to be picked up, every time there
 is a family event (birthday, marriage, holiday, etc.), and every time
 there is any need to communicate.  Divorce goes on and on and on and on,
 as long as we are alive and as long as our kids are alive.  This is a
 key reason I will continue to pursue you, continue to attempt to show
 you how I have changed, and continue to do my absolute best, with all
 my weaknesses and strengths, to say and to show you how much I love you.

 You write that you 'do not want to fight (your) way to some tenuous
 compromise between us, to some fragile, careful relationship.'  Isn't
 that a pretty good description of what getting a divorce is?  You say
 'I want a fresh start.'  So do I!  I am sorry, but my religious beliefs,
 my gut, and my recent reading shout that divorce is not a legitimate
 option for me.  You wrote it often feels like what your gut tells you
 is best for you isn't to be trusted, but you 'have learned to trust
 that inner part.'  What is your gut telling you?  Is it saying 'divorce,'
 or is it saying 'fresh start.'  Can there not be a difference between
 these two?  Is your gut telling you the only choice is running away, or
 was it saying something else as you read the block of Lovelets?  As I
 pursue, I know your gut is telling you to flee.  I am so sorry my pursuit
 is interpreted as pressure.  I hope to keep growing and learn how to
 pursue without your feeling pressure.  I want to salvage our marriage
 more than anything I have ever wanted in my life because I know in my
 gut it is the right thing to do.  Please just remember the human love,
 and I believe the marital love can be replanted, despite the disruptions.

 I love you.  I need you.  I think you can see I don't need sex.  I enjoy
 it and will welcome it if and when you want it.  But I need you to be
 with me so we can raise our kids together, to love them together, to
 show them tough problems can be solved and do not have to be run away from.
 I need you to forgive me, to give me another chance, to act like Jesus
 did with the Samaritan woman at the well.  I need you to be comfortable
 with yourself, to take a different one of those infinite paths, but to
 let me come along with you.  I know we can and will have a most wonderful
 marriage.  Please don't give up on me, just like I haven't and won't give
 up on you because I do love you."

#696, 23Jan97, Our Marriage
"I love you because you are my wife.  I wrote a poem for us when I
 returned to the LaQuinta Inn last night.  The title is: Our Marriage.

                          Our Marriage
                          ^^^^^^^^^^^^

                    Celestial Kingdom or Bust

                       The hole is plugged
                    The faucet now turned off

                      Not touching or sharing
                       Minimal communication
                    With God or with each other

                  Are twenty-three years together
                   To disappear without a trace?
                         Eroded by the storm
                    And filling hearts with hate

                     What does the future hold?
                        A long oak table and
                     Coals like children asleep
                    Or competition for affection
                      And insecure achievement

                         The choice is mine
                        The choice is yours
                          To turn inward
                         Or share ourselves
                         To choose to take
                         Or choose to love

                      We build our own castle
                    From our thoughts in the sky
                        With bricks of words
                        Mortar made of love
                     And framed with kindness

                          Three are there
                      Taking responsibility
                        Two for the crying
                        One for the fights

                          Three are gone
                         Missing the pain
                     Except when they connect

                            I pursue
                          You run away

                       Every day eternity

 I hope this is not offensive and that it says to you I love you."

#697, 24Jan97, Rob's Television Program
"I love you because of your reaction to Rob's television program choice.
 I can not tell you how concerned I am about what he reads, what he watches,
 the music he listens to, and a few of the kids he chooses to hang around
 with.  I realize he is at the age he is curious about stuff, and I realize
 he needs to experiment and make his own choices.  I hope you will always
 be diligently aware of what is in programs like X-Files that he is so
 interested in (watch them with him and talk about it afterwards).  I hope
 available cable options can be adjusted.  The television has a parent's
 blocking option, but I don't know where the papers are, and Rob could
 probably do a better job of unblocking it than I can of blocking it.
 Thanks for also being concerned.  I love you."

#698, 25Jan97, Settlement
"I love you because you are so committed to finish what you have
 set out to do.  I am so glad you feel more adult than you ever
 have.  I feel you are more adult in all aspects of our interaction.
 The part of this decision that hurts me is how since early November
 our relationship does not include any of the normal marriage
 interactions of kissing, hugging, sex, dates, talking about stuff,
 doing little things for each other, holding hands, cuddling, or just
 enjoying each other's company.  I, of course, miss these aspects of
 our relationship a lot, many of which we have both missed for a lot
 longer than since November.  However, I do recognize I have exercised
 'unrighteous dominion' in our relationship and specifically with our
 kids and guess this is the appropriate punishment.  Just as my
 mistakes did not last for eternity, hopefully the punishment won't
 need to last for ever.  But if it does, so be it.  I do have very
 good memories of good times together.

 You said all you wanted me to do when I came home on weekends was to
 help you reach a settlement for the divorce.  I hope that the stuff
 I did this weekend met your requirements.  One thing I forgot to
 stress on the settlement is that your retirement plan should not be
 part of the formal divorce settlement.  It will cost more to do the
 paperwork through the appropriate bureaucracies than your retirement
 to date is worth.  Eddy recommends that there just be a trade in
 other areas to make that part work out, maybe you give me the money
 in your IRA, which is about the same amount.

 I certainly recognize that you are set on providing your lawyer the
 settlement parameters, and on going ahead with the divorce.  There
 is no question you can do this.  There is no question you are acting
 adult in the way you are approaching this project.  There is a question
 about the maturity and validity of the decision, but this question has
 nothing to do with how adult you are acting.

 I have always been attracted to strong women.  Guess I am not used to
 having someone else make decisions that have such significant long-term
 impacts on my life.  I need to recognize it comes with the territory.
 In the mean-time, as you finish up the settlement, the divorce papers,
 evaluate the financial, emotional, mental, and spiritual impact on you
 and on the kids of your plans, I continue to hope and pray you will see
 that you will not loose yourself, you will not betray yourself, you will
 not hurt yourself, and you will not be less of an adult by compromising
 and joining with me to initiate a fresh start on our marriage and our
 family life.  We can choose to do it better from now on, specifically
 because we are both adults.  I choose to give you as much time as you
 need to see this absolute truth because I love you."

#699, 26Jan97, Read.
"I love you because you like to read.  It seems reading was this
 Sunday's main theme for me.  We read in missionary correlation,
 we read as we gave Edy Smith a discussion, I read the paper, we
 listened to Grant Daniels show how well he has read the
 scriptures (as well as the other speakers in Sacrament Meeting),
 we read in Sunday School, I read an announcement in Priesthood
 opening exercises, we read in Priesthood meeting, we read in
 choir, we read as we went home teaching, and we read as we
 worked on the settlement.

 It was when I didn't read that I got myself in trouble, i.e. when I
 let anger boil up and let words you consider daggers fly from my
 mouth.  I wish you could see how much of this reaction is tied to
 your decision to seek a divorce, and literally how much my negative
 reactions of the last several years have been tied to my own personal
 insecurity associated with seeing our marriage unravel.  You are
 right, I tend to seek to find another explanation than myself for
 the pain I find myself in.  I blame Karen Amason, etc.  I'm not
 trying to say that if you decided to make a fresh start with me,
 instead of alone, that there would never be any anger or that I
 would never stumble again.  But I am absolutely positive you do not
 realize how all consuming, relative to our relationship, the topic
 of divorce has been for me for many years.  I am equally positive
 you do not realize how much relief and how much change would come
 just by the two of us committing, because we both wanted to, to
 making a fresh start together.  Please take a minute imagine this
 option as a possibility.

 I have come to realize how my consumption has resulted in me
 focusing on you to such an extent you feel you have no space.  The
 result has been you would flee and I pursue with that much more
 vigor.  Some of the books I have recently read state that this is
 almost universal: namely, the more one partner does something the
 more the other partner rejects that something.  I have tied to back
 off, specifically to limit myself to sending you lovelets.  But I
 do not do so well at not pursuing, not attempting to show how much
 I care, not reacting negatively to the things which hurt me, and
 basically not being a guy.  You have pointed this out to me very
 clearly the last couple of weekends.

 I appreciated your listening to me suggest an experiment, which I
 do believe could give us an opportunity to make a fresh start in
 our marriage.  My proposed experiment is based around something
 which you love to do, namely read.  I do realize the topic is not
 your normal choice of reading material.  I do hope you will pick
 up the book 'Love is a choice' and read it, and when I finish the
 book I am reading that you will also read it also.

 We can choose to make a fresh start together.  To remarry.  There
 is nothing I want more in my life than to do so.  I am willing to
 jump through any hoop to 'make it so.'  But I realize this is
 exactly what you do not want me to do or to attempt, and so I am
 just inviting you to make this small effort, in an area you do enjoy,
 in order to join me in an experiment.  Please seriously consider how
 love is our individual choice and how we each choose when and how
 and if we want to make a fresh start.  Thanks for existing so I could
 learn and so I can attempt to show you how much I love you."

#97.04. Basketball.
"Well, from Houston, it was a pretty sad basketball game Saturday night.
 Can you believe after Olijawan put in that nice 3-pointer with 3 seconds
 on the shot clock, and then Charles Barkley put the 3-pointer in with
 7 seconds to give a four point lead how the Utah Jazz were able to tie
 up the game with that lucky shot by Stockton and the two foul shots, and
 then win in overtime?

 I have never had much of an interest in sports, or for that matter in
 taking time to play.  However, as Marti has become an avid Houston
 Rockets fan I have really enjoyed watching the basketball games with
 her.  Told her on Saturday I guess it would be ok with me which ever
 team won.  She said, `Oh Roice, these are million dollar players, they
 have nothing to do with the church or Utah, they just play where they
 get the most money.  And this is Houston!'  As on so many things I'm
 sure she is right.  But I guess if the Houston Rockets were going
 to loose again, I'm glad it was to a team from back up where I still
 consider home to be.  I realize you kids do not look at Utah as any
 kind of home at this time.  However, I would not be surprised if there
 is be a time when it might be more of a home to some of you than you
 now consider possible.  As far as my example about playing, I hope you
 learn from my bad examples as well as my good examples.  I hope you
 have learned to work, but I specifically hope you have learned how to
 play and enjoy those who mean a lot to you.  I am sorry I have not
 done so well in this area of my life.  I usually don't feel like I
 have missed much.  But then there is not one of you kids I feel as 
 close to as I would like to, and so I feel like I have missed six of
 the most important things of my life.  As I spend time with Roice on
 Thursday evenings in Austin, I do feel like there is hope that there
 will be a reasonable relationship develop with each of you as you
 each get older.  In the meantime, I am willing to learn how to play,
 if there is something you would enjoy doing that you think I might be
 semi-competent at (Note those with entrepreneurial tendencies prefer
 to not participate in games they can not have a pretty reasonable
 probability of winning at).

 I remember when I was a Junior in High School we had the district
 championship basketball game in St. George, the Cedar High Redmen
 against the Dixie Flyers.  There always has been a tremendous rivalry
 between these two schools (not just between Grandpa and Grandma Nelson).
 As I recall the game went into overtime and Cedar had the ball with a
 few seconds left.  Coach Hobbs had them do a play where the ball was 
 handed to a guard, who happened to be one of my best friends and the
 piano player in our band, Dale Hatch, who was given some special
 blocking by the forwards and center and went in for a layup to win
 the game.  It was exciting!  The game Saturday reminded me of that
 play and of that game back in 1967.  I hope you each have some of
 those same kind of exciting, fun memories.

 P.S. Uncle Tony, I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong!  Thanks for the
 4-wheeler cowboy philosophy, which I will post.

 P.S.S.  I got a really nice note with some very good advice via e-mail
 this week.  It pointed out how the individual's father had sent xeroxed
 copies of a letter each week to all of his kids for years, and how much
 this individual had sometimes resented the letters because they were not
 personal.  I hope to take a hint from this comment and to supplement
 these weekly thoughtlets with regular personal letters to each of you,
 telling you personally how much I love you and appreciate knowing you."

#700, 27Jan97, Don't Settle For Crumbs.
"I love you because after you stopped me from massaging your feet
 and your legs, which you let me do as you were talking to Roice
 on the phone, you said 'Don't settle for the crumbs.'  I realize
 my reaction was not what you wanted (maybe it was and it was just
 not what you were willing to accept).  I love you and I was only
 tying to show you how much I love you.  Thanks for letting me
 kiss your neck and hold you for more than just a second afterwards.

 I have wondered what you meant by your statement 'You (Roice)
 didn't understand what I (Marti) meant.'  Maybe you were saying
 'Don't settle for rubbing my legs when you can go and marry a
 Mormon girl who will meet all of your expectations.'  Maybe you
 were saying 'Don't settle for what little response I am
 willing to give you, because I have other things I am going to do
 with my life.'  Maybe you were saying 'Don't settle for rubbing my
 feet because I am not right for you.'  Or maybe you were saying
 'Don't settle for the crumbs because we can both find more
 happiness elsewhere and I am not settling for the crumbs.'

 Please realize I do not consider rubbing my lover's feet as crumbs.
 Please realize I am fully prepared and am dedicated to spending
 years working to re-earn your love (whether we are married or not).
 Guess that comes with my Old Testament Patriarch tendencies (re:
 Jacob and Racheal).  Please realize how important I believe marriage
 is.  Please realize how I only want you to change your mind about
 divorce (or remarriage) when you personally believe we can both be
 satisfied in a fresh start or new relationship.  Please realize how
 much I believe our kids need us to finish raising them together as
 husband and wife and under the same roof.  And please realize how
 much I love you."

#701, 28Jan97, Snoring.
"I love you because you were willing to go in the living room and
 sleep rather than wake me up when I was snoring.  I wondered if
 snoring was one of the unspoken reasons you are seeking a divorce.

 I am sorry, but there isn't much I could do about it unless you
 woke me up and asked me to blow my nose.  I was awfully tired.
 Having the NMI test on my elbow at 6:30 AM started off a long day,
 especially when they braced my arm over my head and my shoulder
 cramped up during the hour plus test.  I was stressed to make it
 to Dr. Aronson's at Post Oak, back to Dr. Crabtree's off Mason,
 to Ed Rogers' office downtown, and then to his associate's office
 back at Post Oak, to the 'Peers' Office to get literature, to Bill
 Bavingers, and then back to the house in time for our Home Teachers
 to come.  Then I had a couple of letters to write, had to get packed
 for the week in Austin, and it was 11:30 before I hit the bed.

 I am sorry my snoring kept you up.  Maybe part of the issue is
 having blood pressure at 165/128 (from the Dentist office's
 measurement).  Maybe part of the issue is my arm still hurts.
 Maybe part of the reason is the ongoing discussions about divorce.
 Maybe part of the reason is I am getting older.  Maybe there was
 an allergy reaction and I was stuffed up.  Maybe it was a test
 to see if you could possibly continue to sleep in the same bed
 with me.  Maybe I, like you, just snore sometimes.

 What ever the case is, snoring does not change the fact I love you."

#702, 29Jan97, Thanksgiving Weekend Ticket
"I love you because you are so trusting.  I wish I was more so.
 I called Melanie to get the license plate on the Tallen, it starts
 with an 'R.'  The license plate number on the citation is SMN26L,
 and although I don't remember the last numbers on the Caravan, I
 will always remember SMN as 'Sister Marti Nelson.'  Then I looked
 at the citation date, 01Dec96, looked at the calendar, and realized
 that was Thanksgiving weekend.  As I recall Paul drove to Austin on
 Thanksgiving weekend.  Putting six and six together I decided to go
 ahead and write a check for the Thanksgiving weekend ticket, and ask
 Kristina and Roice about it when we go out to dinner, and ask Paul
 about it when I write him next Sunday.  I know you didn't get the
 ticket, I know I didn't get the ticket, but I expect someone in our
 family did.  Hopefully they just forgot, and were not attempting to
 hide the fact.  Hopefully by following through and recalling it to
 their memory, there will be a realization of truth, and loss of trust.
 Thanks for being so trusting.  I love you."

#703, 30Jan97, Criticism.
"I love you because you are not going to let things stay the same
 as they have been for you.  This book I have been reading has some
 really good and solid stuff in it.  One of the points made several
 times in the chapters I have read the last couple of nights is the
 fact there must be absolutely zero criticism if a marriage has any
 chance of success.  I certainly recognize this as an area where I
 have failed you.  Therefore I am setting a new policy for myself,
 and hopefully you will choose to participate.  If you feel like
 something I have said is a criticism of you personally, then I owe
 you $100 for each offense.  I will attempt to honestly evaluate what
 I say, based on your reactions, but hope you will take advantage of
 this, in a worst case as a way of raising cash to fund your plans,
 or in a better case (from my perspective) as a way of bringing about
 real and lasting change in my behavior so you do not have to follow
 through on your divorce plans.  I really hope you hear and feel and
 see and taste and recognize and know how much I need you and how much
 I love you."

#704, 01Feb97, Turn Your Back
"I love you because you turned your back to me as you got out of the
 Caravan, when we both came home at the same time.  It was like you
 couldn't stand to look at me.  Then I got thinking about it, and
 wondered if you were acting like a small child who gets things and
 people to go away that they don't want to see by covering their eyes.
 So I decided to interpret the body language as caring at some deep
 level, rather than just outright rejection.  It could be embarassment,
 or shame, or any of a number of things rather than anger.  I did not
 sense any anger as I tried to talk to you in the bedroom, but you are
 able to block me out pretty well these days, so I realize my choice
 of interpretation is, with an 80+% provability, wrong.  But I choose
 to make a more positive interpretation because I choose to love you."

#705, 01Feb97, Waiver.
"I love you because you are willing to change lawyers if the Waiver
 is being unreasonably used for legal positioning.  I am sorry I
 acted so strongly to the Waiver Saturday morning.  I had read your
 letter to the lawyer on the Macintosh during the middle of the night
 when I could not sleep because of my arm and the emotional pain of
 feeling total rejection by the one I love.  I was partly reacting to
 the changes in child support, and something else I don't even remember.
 I can't believe I was worried about the principle behind a few dollars
 change in child support when what is most important to me is on the line,
 namely our marriage.  Once again Dr. Aronson shows how right he is about
 our 'dance' of you need to keep things from me, but not securely enough
 I don't find them out (he says that will be impossible with my on-going
 quest [my need to know]), but how when I get surprised it pulls some kind
 of emotional trigger and I act contrary to the love I have and feel.
 I am attempting to be totally honest about my steps in this dance, with
 the hope it is of benefit to you.  Despite my emotional immaturity
 I love you."

#706, 02Feb97, Your Mom's Card.
"I love you because you endured my discussion about the 'post-it
 note on the front lawn' and 'your Mom's card.'  You stated several
 times this weekend how glad you will be when you do not have to
 have 'this kind of talk' any more.  I understand your words, but
 I do not know how to emotionally handle 'discovering' two of, what
 appears to be, deeper reasons 'we have grown apart;' namely because
 I am so 'boring;' and because you are 'addicted to the excitement'
 (which excitement was not explained except by Monday's e-mail).
 I guess you feel I have no right to an explanation, and, of course,
 if you choose not to share one, I don't.  For what it is worth, not
 remembering does not feel like an accurate explanation to me.

 I really appreciated your telling me you want to stay friends,
 although it was earlier on Sunday.  It was nice to hear you do
 consider me a friend.  I will always be available to be your friend
 and will always support you in any way I can.  I do hope you do not
 treat all of your friends like you treat me, just as you know I do
 not react to any of my friends like I react to you.  I do not believe
 there are not a lot of masochistic Karen Amason's and Roice Nelson's
 in the world.  Because I love you I worry about you.  I do recognize
 I can not compete with boredom.  We each choose what is interesting
 to us.  If I am not interesting to you and if you continue choose to
 not use your tremendous creative talents to help make our relationship
 exciting, then I question the sincerity of your desire to remain
 friends.  Maybe I just don't understand what you mean by your words
 'staying friends.'  Maybe Vicki can explain it to me this weekend.
 I am sure a large part of the reason she is coming is to provide you
 with support because she cares about you and is a friend.

 For what it is worth, a large part of my emotional reaction was to
 the advice your Mother gave you.  Surely it is good to take care of
 ourselves, but her words seemed to advise an unhealthy selfishness,
 which I know is one of the basic reasons you are not closer to her.
 Just as you wish I could see the damage of attempts to understand
 the truth (which I expect you read as my judgmental nature), I
 wish you could see the joy we will have when we maturely face our
 habits and ways interacting, divorce the ones that cause harm, and
 make a fresh start of our marriage for the sake of our children
 and ourselves.

 Along the lines of a fresh start, I realize you will be in a seminar
 on Saturday, but I am going to buy a new kitchen table and chairs.
 Could I use the Caravan?  If there is any sets you particularly like,
 I would appreciate your guidance because I love you."

#97.05. Letters.
"We are finally starting to see some mail from Paul.  His most recent letter
 included: `I blew the crotch out of my grey suit today.  . . .  I put my
 leg up like Dad sits and it just ripped in class in front of a bunch of
 missionaries.  Needless to say it was extremely embarassing.  There were
 20 or so people.  Not fun.'  In a little more Paul like expression he wrote
 a week before: `Not to sound snotty but there are a lot of people who are
 here that do not want to be and shouldn't be.  I am always the first one up. 
 I get everyone in the district up.  I feel like dad.  Of course I am having
 a blast at the same time though.  In another 2-3 weeks I will be King of the
 MTC.  I almost am already but not quite J/J :)'.  Then in another letter
 received this week he said `I know I am suppose to be here and my faith has
 increased over 100 times.  It is nice to have religious discussions in a
 language class.  I feel the spirit in every class every day.  I know this
 is right and am glad to be here serving the Lord.'

 When Roice and I had dinner on Thursday evening we filled up a whole
 paper tablecloth at The Macaroni Grill with colored pencil descriptions
 of similar topics.  One of Roice's well made points is that the church
 (my response was the Nottingham Country Ward and maybe this is mostly me)
 is so judgmental.  It was really nice to listen to him philosophize and
 discuss important stuff with such intent.  I have recently listened to
 the Dramatized History of the Church audio cassettes, and Roice's comments
 brought to mind Reed Smoot, the only Republican General Authority a century
 ago, who stood up for his beliefs and voted his conscience when he was a
 U.S. Senator, despite pressure from other General Authorities.  The church
 needs strong individuals with deep convictions that are based on truth
 (not necessarily the Republican version).  

 For Roice and Ben and Paul and extended family, Melanie was just accepted 
 at The University of Texas at Austin and has decided to not apply to any
 other schools.  She is going to study psychology so she can help me figure
 myself out [J/J :)].  Sara did wonderful in a Dance review earlier tonight,
 especially considering one of the other girls (Sandy Harris) did a flip and
 hit her in the head and knocked her down.  Sara is tough!  And Rob, well it
 cost over $4,000 (thankfully mostly covered by insurance) to rebreak his
 arm (it had rebroke on it's own and was 30 degrees off-center-line since
 the skiing accident) and put a cast on from his wrist to his shoulder. 
 What I am trying to say is how I have great hope for each of you kids
 providing the Reed Smoot kind of leadership in your different spheres of
 influence, both in and out of the church.

 I got on this line of thought because Dave Deford forwarded a copy of a
 letter from his son Jay, who is serving a mission in Rexburg.  I liked
 it and thought it would be something you would each enjoy:

 >Thought you would enjoy Jay's last letter. Shows how much the members 
 >of the church love the missionaries.
 >
 >Mom and Pop,
 >
 >  Last night I was going to teach a fellow that the sisters were 
 >turning over to us. Sister Roberts' split was Julie! (Matt's wife) We 
 >got to hang out for a few minutes, but we didn't teach together because 
 >the investigator didn't show up.
 >  Had a district meeting yesterday (he's the District Leader) and it 
 >went great. A couple of weeks ago, Elder Mapes and I were tracting and 
 >we talked to an older man for awhile and as we were leaving, he handed 
 >me a twenty and told us to get ourselves some dinner. So we went to a 
 >restaurant to eat and the waitress told us that someone had picked up 
 >our check. So the next night we were walking to a Mexican restaurant to 
 >spend the older man's money like we said we would. A return-missionary 
 >stopped and gave us a ride and as we were getting out of the car, he 
 >slipped me a twenty and insisted.  So we went into the restaurant with 
 >forty dollars and as we went to the register to pay, the waitress said 
 >that a person (who wished to remain anonymous) had taken care of it.
 >  The next night, at a dinner appointment, the grandmother of the kids 
 >we were eating with was there and she told us that she wanted to feed 
 >us sometime, too. But, she couldn't cook anymore because of her failing 
 >health, so instead she gave us fifteen dollars to buy dinner with 
 >sometime!
 >  The more we tried to spend money, the more we got. We are here to 
 >serve them, not the other way around. So, with the fifty-five dollars 
 >we had collected, Elder Moyes and I bought pizza for the whole district 
 >at the meeting yesterday. We have finally spent that older man's money.
 >
 >Your spoiled son,
 >
 >Jaybird

 Letters can be so very nice.  Hope you all have a great week, a week
 without split pants and with the local equivalent of pizza."

#707, 03Feb97, Only Words.
"I love you because you said, 'Well they are only words' in reaction
 to my showing you copies of your e-mails, after you just said you had
 not written any such e-mails for weeks or months.  It gives me hope
 that someday the issues you have with me and with my interaction with
 you will be acknowledged as 'only words.'  Hopefully someday you will
 recognize how I have not given up, have not left, have not thrown in
 the towel, have turned the other cheek financially and personally,
 have spent hours attempting to pour out my heart to you with words
 (which is very hard for me to do), have prayed for us, and how I
 continue to hope, have faith things will work out, and try to make
 things work and to show you how much I love you.  I was not trying to
 'set you up for a fall' as you charged.  If I was, I would bring the
 kids together in the living room and tell them my point-of-view.  I
 will never do that.  I was trying to help you evaluate whether you are
 being honest with yourself and honest with me.  During our discussion,
 and largely because of the session with Dr. Aronson, I realized I was
 not being honest in telling you what I knew.  This is why I tried to
 make a step towards changing our dance.  I do recognize there is little
 chance of rebuilding our marriage if we can not be honest with each
 other - no matter how much I love you, and I absolutely do love you."

#708, 04Feb97, Danger.
"I love you because you because I felt like you heard me as I poured
 out my heart to you before leaving for Austin: about how worried I am
 about the danger you have put yourself and our children in, with
 inappropriate communications with men you do not know.  One of the
 strengths of historical society has been the vetting accompanying new
 acquaintances by family, friends, and church members.  This is why we
 often try to find common ties when we meet someone new.  We read and
 hear every day in the newspaper or on the radio about people who
 married someone wanted for a murder in some other state, or who was
 otherwise taken advantage of by someone who lied to them.  It is good
 to reach out, but until we really know people we must keep our guard
 up.  The net does not yet provide a vetting process.  Given the
 circumstances under which you electronically met these guys, I am
 certain there is a too high probability they are out for things I do
 not believe you want to give in return for the emotional and physical
 price it will end up costing.  This especially seems true based on
 your reaction to my actions, which we have, in the past, agreed were
 of a non-malicious intent.

 I hope you realize I am a survivor.  I will not crater and burn if
 you go though with your divorce plans.  I will be here to help you if
 you need help, and I will be here to welcome you back with open arms
 if you are willing to come to me.

 I realize I am boring, but let me suggest something outlandish.  Send
 me a 'dump of your thoughts,' similar to what has been sent to others
 (but probably best if it not including things I would take as personal
 attacks, which I doubt if you sent them) and see how I respond to
 these thoughts.  Call me a 'toad' instead of a judgmental patriarch.
 See if you can't help me change our conversation.  I want so much to
 learn what you are interested in.  I want so much to share in your
 life.  I always have, but have let my pride and drive for making a
 difference, accompanied by your lack of interest in or jealously over
 what I am interested in, keep me from pursuing learning about your
 interests.  Over our lifetime, I am both physically and emotionally
 safer and more consistently caring than the road you have been playing
 in.  Please do not allow yourself to get hit by the traffic, if for
 no other reason than because I care so very much about you and because
 I love you."

#709, 05Feb97, Honey On The Floor.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I cheered up a lady here
 whose kids spilt honey on the floor.  She really seemed down.  Her
 shoulders were bent, she was looking at the ground, and she had a
 cloud hanging over her.  I asked her what was the matter and she
 told me about the accident.  As I told her about the time the water
 pipe broke in Dallas, with you getting locked out, me hearing you
 pounding on the door and leaving the office, the kids spilling honey
 on the floor and it getting in the shag carpet, and sticky kids in
 fresh ground flour she finally smiled.  We have had a lot of good
 times over the years.  I am sorry the last few years have been so
 hard for both of us.  We can and will do better, and we don't have
 to run away.  We do need to remember the future when we are in the
 midst of a crisis and recall we will be able to talk about honey on
 the floor and see someone down smile.  Thanks for all the memories.
 I love you."

#710, 06Feb97, Roice and The Harlem Globetrotters
"I love you because you have got me interested in watching basketball.
 I am certain this is the reason I asked Roice if he would be interested
 in going to a basketball game with me.  We first went to dinner with
 Kristina.  She had a French test and so she did not go to the ball
 game with us.  Roice did not want any popcorn and I ended up eating a
 bucket by myself.  It was really fun to be with and to watch Roice and
 The Harlem Globetrotters.  They are not as good as I remember them as
 a kid.  But I'm sure my view was quite different than now.  There is no
 one on the team like the 'Meadow Lark Lemmon' I remember.  In fact,
 as we stood in line to pick up our tickets, the guy in back of us
 started talking about seeing 'Meadow Lark' when he was a kid.  Guess
 I was sold as part of a 25 year marketing program (it was probably 25+
 years ago I went to a Harlem Globetrotter's game with my Dad).

 In relation to you, and why this game reminded me how much I love you,
 there were a couple of antics that you would have loved to participate
 in.  A 6'6" 270 pound player walked across the fenced area and took a
 lady's purse and walked out on the floor.  He walked up and down the
 floor, then gave the purse to the ref and refused to take it back, then
 he gave the purse to someone on the other team and made him look queer.
 Then he went to give it back to the lady, and she ended up on the
 basketball court trying to get it back.  She looked like you, with dark
 blonde hair.  By the time she got her purse back she had kissed him on
 both cheeks, on the lips, and had run away from the entire rest of the
 team as they puckered up.  As they said at one point, it was pure family
 entertainment.  It was a lot of fun.  I wish you could have been with me,
 so we could laugh together, enjoy something together, and especially
 because it is true I love you."

#711, 07Feb97, Vicki.
"I love you because you have nice friends like Vicki.  She is
 little and sexy and so I think I understand your attraction (a
 desire to be with people you want to emulate).  She seemed very
 nice, but I did not have much of a chance to talk to her.  I  hope
 you will always be willing to invite your friends to our house and
 to introduce them to me.  It helps me not be so jealous when I
 have an image to attempt to hang my fears on.  I hope you understand
 how visual I am and what I am trying to say, because I do love you."

#712, 08Feb97, Kitchen Table.
"I love you because you have supported Sara's Dance Competitions.
 I forgot to write about the recital last Sunday, and how neat it
 was to see you show Motherly concern when Sandi Harris kicked Sara
 in the head on accident as part of their routine.  As I told her
 in a card, I was very proud of how she handled the whole thing.

 I bought a new (antique) kitchen table because I love you.  I
 realize you said you feel it was a mistake, like all of my other
 efforts these days.  However, I also do not want to remember the
 night I lost emotional control, and so whether you change your
 mind or not, I do not want the old kitchen table in our kitchen.
 It is not as nice as the one we looked at the home show, but
 I was pleased to be able to find one this close to what I know
 you like.  I hope it is a physical demonstration, more than just
 meaningless words, of how much I love you."

#713, 09Feb97, Denial.
"I love you because you let me rub your neck twice.  Once as you
 were wrapping Paul's Valentine Present, and once as you were sitting
 at our new kitchen table.  I was really touched by the big crocodile
 tears as I rubbed your neck at the kitchen table.  I know you have
 love for me in your heart, and I know there is a spark that tells
 you we can divorce our old habits and remake a wonderful marriage.

 Saturday was a good, and yet a bad day for me.  It was good because
 I was alone almost all day (Melanie was in Austin, Sara spent the night
 and went right to her dance competitions, Rob went to a movie with Joe
 and Karen, and you and Vicki were at your English workshop).  I was
 cold, and so I snuggled up in a blanket and spent almost the entire day
 reading the book about codependence.  I am so sorry I have not recognized
 before I have been abusive.  I hope you can realize my abuse is one or
 more orders of magnitude less than the 'abuse'  I grew up with.  It is
 also easy for me to point out similar levels of abuse in others.  However,
 I realize this is no excuse for me not honoring my priesthood and the
 commitments I have made to you and to God.  I am sorry for my denial.

 Saturday, it was hard for me to recognize my addictions, my dependencies,
 my codependency, and how I really do not sufficiently exercise my will.
 It was hard to not be able to go to a movie with Rob because Karen
 was going to be there and she would be uncomfortable.  It was hard
 to feel like I was being avoided like the plague.  It was good to be
 able to get the fan on the upstairs heater working correctly (even
 though I hired someone to come and fix it).  It was good to think
 about being home to take Rob to his Sunday School party Friday, and
 that I was there when they called with an accident report, and then
 to be able to take him to the Katy Hospital emergency room and support
 him (including showing him all of the scars on my left index finger)
 while he got seven stitches sown in his right index finger.

 Sunday was also a good and a bad and a hard day.  It was nice to see
 and teach Edy and Mike Smith, to see how excited she is about having
 been baptized last Wednesday, and to contemplate the difference in
 her and her attitude compared to last year.  It was good because
 there was a baptism in the evening, and I was able to help by holding
 a very wiggly and quite heavy 2-year old for most of the meeting.  It
 was bad because Sara continues to so strongly reject me.  It was hard
 because I felt so constrained to talk to you about some of my reading,
 about denial.  I really appreciated your comments about the e-mail,
 and I hope and yes, believe, I was wrong about the e-mail portion of
 my denial comments.  I do know we both have addictions, dependencies,
 and co-dependency habits.  I do now know that a very basic and very
 consistent behavior relative to these types of habits is denial.  It
 might be denial about a number of things, but it exists in both of
 us.  I am trying very hard to face those things I have been denying.

 For instance, I made a comment to you about wanting to rub your neck,
 but not wanting to have sex with you because I feel betrayed.  Please
 know you took this comment wrong.  The betrayal I feel has only to do
 with one word: divorce.  The other stuff is just symptoms, and it
 really is forgiven and forgotten.  Even if it were to start up again,
 or to be more serious than we have discussed, it can be forgiven and
 forgotten.  As I attempt to evaluate my emotional reactions, it seems
 to me I tie a very close corollary with financial investment and
 being told by the talk and actions related to getting a divorce that
 my financial investment in our marriage was a complete waste.  Facing
 the probability of not being able to spend time with you, like we did
 in Boston, is devastating.  Facing the probability of not having
 you at house when I come home is extremely disquieting.  Facing the
 probability of being forced to be alone (unless I am willing to go
 against my most basic core values regarding commitment and marriage),
 seems to be tied in my mind to my fear of financial mismanagement; my
 fear of being seen by my mother and by women in general like she saw
 my Father because of his financial failures.  Even the thought of the
 word divorce being spoken in my home brings up anger, resentment, and
 very strong feelings of betrayal.  It makes me want to insist on a
 financial prenuptial agreement before I would consider letting down
 my barriers and remarrying.  These feelings are so much stronger than
 my jealousy and embarassment about other choices that have been made.

 I absolutely do not want a divorce.  I absolutely will continue to
 function and live and probably thrive if you do not change your mind
 and do go ahead with the divorce.  I absolutely will thrive if you
 do change your mind and join with me to divorce our old habits and
 to remarry.  Business wise the oil industry is picking up, and the
 work at the Bureau of Economic Geology is opening up several very
 exciting opportunities.  Whatever happens on the personal front I am
 very optimistic about the relatively near term business future.  I
 absolutely do not want to share this success with someone who has or
 continues to hold a sword of betrayal over my head.  I absolutely do
 want to do everything just right so you have no desire to leave me,
 but rather have a desire to be with me.  I absolutely do want to rub
 your neck, your back, your legs, your feet, and to touch and caress
 you and tell you with my hands and with my words how much I love you.

#97.06, Perspective.
"Ever wondered why some folks have a master plan for their lives, some
 plan their week in great detail, and others do not really plan out the
 day?  I am sure there are a lot of different reasons for each individual's
 different planning horizon.  There is a book I thoroughly enjoy called
 `Human Capability' (Jaques & Cason, ISBN 0-9621070-7-7), which claims
 our planning horizon is an innate part of our genetic make-up, sort of
 like hair color and the over-rated `IQ' measurement.  

 Roice and I went to a Harlem Globetrotter's show Thursday evening (some
 might call it a game, but it is family entertainment meant to get us
 laughing).  When I was in High School I went to a Harlem Globetrotter's
 game with my Dad, and remembered laughing myself sick at the antics of
 `Meadow-Lark Lemmon.'  I am not proud to say, other than on our annual
 family vacation, I have not taken the time to participate in this kind
 of enjoyment with you kids.  Specifically, until Thursday I had never
 taken any of you to a Harlem Globetrotter's game.  When you kids decide
 to marry and have kids of your own don't make this same mistake.

 As we left the game my mind wandered to a verse in a song, 'A Lullabye,'
 I wrote it for Roice on the 14th of July 1973, a little less than two
 months before your mom and I got married and 18 1/2 months before Roice
 was born.  The verse says:
            `Your hair soft and curled in my hand
             Is reflected by others throughout the land
             Who love their children as much as I love you
             And want them to never be blue.'
 I recalled years later Mom telling me how she didn't like the words
 because when she held our babies she never thought about `others
 throughout the land.'  Our perspectives were very different.  I was so
 busy looking over the horizon, 20 to 40 years out, I missed what was
 happening under my nose each and every day.  Your Mom was so busy taking
 care of each and every day, she had no energy nor interest in thinking
 about how changing the way every oil and gas company in the world
 explores for hydrocarbon reserves and then exploits those discoveries
 would be of benefit to our children and grandchildren.

 I expect these words seem irrelevant to several of you.  Teenagers and
 young adults are not known for long-term thinking.  The letters from
 Paul show how he is focused on whether he gets as many packages of
 love as other missionaries in the MTC.  He did send us a tape that was
 really funny.  I plan to bring it to Austin this week and leave it for
 Roice to listen to and then to forward it to Ben who will get it back
 to the house so Paul can have it when he returns.  Chris Schmidt and I
 were listening to it today as we went to teach a new member discussion
 to Edy Smith (Yes Paul, Mike Smith's wife with the malignant brain
 tumor and former alcoholic was baptized on Wednesday) when we got to the
 story about the rabbit that was hit a car.  For those who will not hear
 the tape, the lady got out of her car really upset, and this man
 stopped and said 'Here just pour some of this on him and he will be
 fine.'  She did and nothing happened, so she poured the whole bottle on
 the rabbit.  He jumped up, ran a little ways, turned and waved, ran a
 little further, turned and waved, and as this continued the lady looked
 at the bottle to see what this caused this miracle: `hair conditioner
 with a permanent wave.'  Short term thinking but it really did get us
 laughing.  Hopefully someday you will look back at this effort of
 creating Thoughtlets and find some useful things for you.  Even if all
 of you don't, I have already had enough feedback from some of you kids
 to know that the effort is appreciated in some quarters.

 Jaques and Cason define Current Potential Capacity as the maximum
 level of work a person can carry out at any point in time, given they
 have the necessary experience and knowledge.  In the book they define
 Current Applied Capability as the level of work a person is actually
 applying at a given moment in some specific work.  Finally they
 define Future Potential Capability as the predicted level of potential
 capability a person will possess at some specific time in the future. 
 The authors have empirically defined seven bands of the planning time
 horizon, which we all fall into, and have shown how Future Potential
 Capability matures over time, and is a direct function of our
 individual planning time horizon at various ages.  Ben probably has
 the longest planning horizon of any of you kids, and it is amazing to
 me to think about your individual and collective Future Potential
 Capability.  As I get older, and hopefully wiser, I believe our
 planning horizons will come more into sync, and I want each of you
 to know I will be here to help and support you in any way I can which
 allows each of you to retain your independence."

#714, 10Feb97, Intervention.
"I love you because you seriously thought about my efforts at doing
 an intervention.  I realize you did not like my words about denial.
 I realize you feel, and that I was, way off base relative to some of
 my assumptions about what you are denying.  I realize you did not
 like the note I left on your key ring tying denial to not
 acknowledging my efforts, and your lack of effort relative to making
 our marriage work, ever since Roice left home.  I realize you are
 on track with those portions of the Valentine's related newspaper
 article you underlined that talked about abuse.  I realize you would
 probably be mad about me writing on your windshield, so you could
 not erase it without getting out, a comparison between broken mirrors
 (windshields) and broken marriages.  After you told me about Chuck
 Cluff's e-mail, I realize it fed the anger and questioning that
 were going on that day.  For what it is worth, I am convinced Chuck,
 like me, means well, and he is just missing some social interaction
 tools (again, like me).  I realize you would not appreciate reading
 the newspaper and coming to a note that compares your judgmental
 comments about friends in the ward with your harsh judgment of me
 (especially when one of your biggest complaints with me is how hard
 I judge you).  I realize you were wiped out and did not want to have
 to go back to the store to pick up your misplaced wallet.  I realize
 you took advantage of that trip to stay away from any more of my,
 what must have felt unkind, intervention.  I realize I am not a
 psychologist, and I do not have the training nor the experience to
 do what I attempted to in a manner that would work.  I hope you
 realize I made the attempt, however poor (or good) it turned out,
 because I love you."

#715, 11Feb97, Kiss On The Forehead.
"I love you because you were so beautiful as you laid in bed and as
 I kissed you goodbye on the forehead, three times, before I left
 for Austin this morning.  All day I have been thinking about and
 savoring those three kisses.  They remind me of a kiss on the
 forehead in Ft. Collins in September of 1970.  They remind me of
 your wonderful reaction to that kiss.  They remind me of how much
 I love you."

#716, 12Feb97, Love and Marriage.
"I love you because you were in my dreams last night.  I dreamed
 about the drive from Cedar City to Enterprise with you on 15Mar73,
 I dreamed about the pressure I felt under, about the advise given
 to you to not say anything to me, and about your words: 'Well, you
 say you love me.  You know what the song says: Love and marriage
 go together like a horse and carriage.'  I dreamed about my
 response: 'Maybe I just don't think it is my idea yet.'  I dreamed
 about how I had Grandma Nelson's wedding ring in my back pocket,
 about how I had invited Bill Hansen down for an engagement party,
 about how I had asked Bill to invite Elaine Thatcher to come with
 him, about how my family and Riley knew the plans, and about the song
 I had written to propose to you with (I wrote the music in the last
 flat I lived in in London right after I got a letter from you, and
 I wrote most of the words prior to stopping in Denver on my way home
 from my mission, with memories of Calf Springs Ranch and you filling
 my mind).  As I had a hot bath to soothe my sore arm, got ready, went
 down to the lobby and ate a bowl of corn flakes and had a couple of
 glasses of orange juice, drove to work, and wrote this I have not
 been able to get that song out of my mind.  I expect thoughts of 'give
 your love space,' 'let it be her idea,' and 'love and marriage go
 together like a horse and carriage' will fill my mind for the next
 forever.  I wish I knew how to say and show you how much I love you,
 so that the message will touch your heart and you would really come
 to know how much I love you."

#717, 13Feb97, Trouble.
"I love you because you sounded so happy on the phone last night.
 My hope is my lovelets had something to do with your mood.  My
 fear is you have got in the habit of blossoming when I am not
 around and are unfairly blaming me for all of issues when I am
 around.  I called you just after I finished the book, 'Love is
 a choice,' and I only called once (you seemed to not believe me
 when I told you I did not call before and hang up).  There are
 some really good insights in the book.

 For instance, they talk about 'The Relationship Wheel.'  'At the
 top of the wheel is that happy circumstance, the healthy,
 interdependent marriage.  Two people stand close together with
 enough space between them to comfortably make room for God.
 Growth and beneficial change have room to work there also.  The
 scale that would weigh dependence against independence is balanced.
  As we travel the circle in a clockwise direction we tip the scale
 towards independence.  The farther we go, the more deeply we get
 into independent attitudes.  Counterclockwise motion indicates an
 exaggerated dependence in the relationship.  Neither will serve
 the marriage well.'

 I have always tried to encourage independence.  I guess that is why
 your letter on romance on the 23rd of February last year meant so
 much to me.  You said 'Romance is when two independent people,
 knowing that they can live very well without each other, choose not
 to do so because life is more fun and interesting together.'  I
 believe a large part of the divorce plans are related to you coming
 to know you can live very well without me.  From that standpoint I
 applaud and encourage your efforts for independence.  However, the
 book not only warns about dependence (which is what you unfairly feel
 my needs for you are), but has warnings about too much independence.

 'In an effort to get away for the dependence of the counterclockwise
 motion, the women's liberation movement thundered off the other way.
 Moving clockwise from the top of the circle poses hazards just as
 great.  'We've drifted apart somehow.'  'I am 'me' and he is 'he' and
 we're not 'we' anymore.'  'We don't know each other anymore.'  'We
 live in separate worlds and they just don't seem to overlap at all.'
 As the couple moves farther clockwise the estrangement grows.  Move
 far enough and the estrangement becomes antagonism, alienation.
 Instead  of adding to the richness and diversity of marriage,
 differences become divisive.  Usually, most of the differences were
 there from the beginning.  Such a premium, though, has been placed
 upon independence that the differences become excuses, rationalizations,
 perhaps eventually weapons with which to attach each other.'

 I have been thinking a lot about our courtship lately.  Thinking
 about things that worked and areas where I fell down.  I remember
 once after our engagement your Mother and Father had a fight and
 you called me because you felt in trouble.  Your words were something
 like: 'Now that we are engaged we need to share our troubles with
 each other.'  I don't recall my response, but I am assured it was
 tied to 'the 3 minute phone call.'  I feel so bad that I wasn't there
 for you more.  I am sorry.  Sure I was encouraging independence and
 thrift, but in reality I was also passing on the abuse I grew up
 with.  I was acting with my head and not my heart, based on my
 feelings and experience and not listening to God.  A last quote for
 this lovelet from the book 'Love is a Choice' talks about this.

 'You cannot trust your head for your most important decisions -
 choosing love, choosing a lifestyle, choosing God - are all
 framed beyond reason.  And yet you cannot trust your heart, for
 there the ghosts reside.  We encourage you specifically to do
 two things in your relationship with God: (1) Depend utterly
 upon Him, drawing from Him and from healthy human relationships
 He opens to you all the love you need for your love tank.  And
 (2) take the initiative in both serving Him and bettering yourself.'

 I fear for the day the happiness I heard last night turns to trouble.
 I hope I will be there for you, for I know I have every intention of
 doing better than I have done in the past.  Why?  Simply because
 I do love you."

#718, 14Feb97, Happy Valentines Day
"I love you because you get excited about Valentines Day.  This
 was shown by the lovely box of stuff you prepared for Paul and
 'no matter the cost' wanted to get to him by today.  It should
 have been delivered yesterday.

 I realize you wrote: 'Romance to me is not the trappings of romance
 - candles, cardoors, diamonds, and dinners.'  I hope my effort to
 make your 1997       ^^^^^^^^  Valentine's Day special are not
 taken in this light of trappings.  In the ring shield there are
 24 diamonds, one for each of the years we have been married,
 including the current year that we are almost half way through.
 You also wrote: '(Romance is) a way of thinking - a wish to express
 in usually small and thoughtful ways, that the other person is
 valued and essential to one's happiness.  It is the gleam of an
 admiring eye, the chuckle over a shared joke, a secret language no
 one else understands.  Romance is a game that takes time, effort,
 and wit - all to keep the other person delighted, interested, and
 feeling loved and cared for.'  I hope my small and thoughtful
 efforts to consistently tell you you are lovable and you are loved
 show these ^^^^^^^^^^^^ small and thoughtful ways of thinking.  I
 realize I am not very good at playing games, and I yet I hope you
 will not give up on my limitations but will continue to share jokes,
 expand our secret language, and give the time, the effort, and the
 wit necessary to keep the game going.

 I hope you have a great day.  Happy Valentines Day!  I love you."

#719, 15 Feb 1997, Ben's E-Mail
"I love you because you came to the door of the living room,
 appearing concerned when I had an emotional meltdown after reading
 Ben's e-mail.  It was 2:00 in the morning.  I was deeply hurt that
 you choose not to open my Valentine's present.  I responded out of
 this hurt when you came home from taking Rob to the mall and a movie
 at about 1:00 AM.  I understand your response of sleeping on the couch.
 Then I could not sleep and so I went to read my 90+ messages and when
 I got to Ben's message I completely lost control of my emotions.  I am
 sorry this has and appears to continue to happen.  I am sick, and
 even if I did not have cause, I need to get this emotional sickness
 under control.  I am sorry I feel like everyone in the family treats
 me like I am of no value except to provide them money.  I am sorry I
 lost control.  I am sorry I kept you awake.  I am sorry our
 relationship is in the bad shape it is.  I wish I could fix it, but
 I realize more than ever if it is going to be fixed it will be
 because you choose to love me and not just because I love you."

#720, 16Feb97, I Know This Will Upset You.
"I love you because you left me a note Saturday night.  It was cute
 how you said 'I know this will upset you, but ...'  It seems easy
 to be hurt and upset these days.  Saturday morning when I was
 taking the trash out and I saw Katy Lyon's card and it's words:
 'I ask Karen daily how you are' it hit me how up-hill my chosen
 trail really is.  The fact Rob was sneaking around and would not
 answer me straight about where he had been and what was happening
 when I came in from working on the roses rang alarm bells in my
 head.  Then I saw the car pulling out, went outside and learned
 Sara was going to Sadie Hawkins and to spend the night at a friends
 house on Saturday after the dance at 15 without a word to me, her
 Father, and you were taking Rob to the Opera.  Then, of course
 there was Sunday evening: your fixing a flat tire and not letting
 me help; learning about Roice's broken collar bone; the fight in
 front of Sara; your 'PMS' excuse the next day; your leaving home
 to stay in the Motel 6 and not telling anyone where you were going;
 and my ongoing self-flagellation that I must be the most terrible
 person in the world and must be totally responsible for all of this
 pain among those I love and care for the most.  I did handle my
 pain better than Friday night: I went to the movie Dante's Peak
 (which I thoroughly enjoyed and believe you would also enjoy and
 would be interested in seeing again if you would let me go with you);
 and, like Friday night, I watched the Rockets get beat, this time
 after they had been up 26 points against Portland.

 I look forward to the someday you take the time to take a reasonable
 inventory and to fairly decide if 'we are even,' or should I say
 when you have 'impacted our children as negatively as you feel I have.'
 When I went to the lawyer-consultant she stressed that a major
 motivation for filing for divorce is almost always to 'get even.'  I
 do not know how to quantitatively compare my words and the broken china
 with your words and the broken vows, but you are smart and I am certain
 someday you will stop running long enough, and will be away from your
 friends and other distractions long enough, to do an honest balancing.
 I know that when you do you will remember how you felt after sacrament
 meeting when I told you with absolute sincerity that 'you were shining
 as you read from the book you got as a gift.'  The emotions / spirit
 you felt was something we can both have with us all of the time.  I
 really appreciated your expressing thanks for my note.  I don't
 remember what I said, except I truly am sorry I was a catalyst in your
 becoming so upset, and how embarrassed I felt when I went in the
 bedroom and saw the Ensign on the bed and thought you had been reading
 it.  Again, I did not move that Ensign from my reading table to yours,
 and the fact you say it was moved, tells me there are other hearts in
 our home who would like to see us 'mend our marriage.'  I am doing and
 will continue to do my best to do so.  However, I guess this weekend
 taught me it will require you deciding you are also willing to make an
 effort before this can happen.  I look forward to day you do because
 I do love you."

#97.07, Roses.
"If any of you ever choose to have a rose garden, it is good to remember
 the weekend following Valentines Day is a good day to prune the rose
 bushes.  When I planted our rose garden I had all of this symbolism in
 mind.  There was suppose to be one (or was it two) rose bushes for each
 of our kids.  All 12 of the rose bushes are Texas antique roses.  They
 were intended to cover a spectrum of colors from pink to white to yellow
 to orange to violet to purple to red and back to pink.  The orange and
 yellow one's never bloomed.  Several of the rose bushes died over the
 last 8 years or so.  At least a couple of new rose bushes have been
 started from sprigs or underground roots that came up a couple of feet
 from where they started.  There are now 9 rose bushes, three of which
 are very small.

 The tree like bush with the largest thorns has purple roses with large
 petals that fall off very easily.  As I pruned it yesterday, three
 quarters of the bush was dead.  I realized it has been at least a couple
 of years since I have worked with the rose garden.  I looked at my
 calendar last year, and saw that on Valentine's Day weekend I went on a
 'junk food campout' with Rob to Spring Creek Park.  The Stake Father's &
 Son's campout this year will be at the same park May 16th and 17th.
 Some of the prettiest roses are white, on the second bush from the front
 next to the greenhouse.  After pruning, the tallest remaining rose bush,
 was next to this to the west, and as I recall it also has whitish flowers.
 One of the most prolific is in the far back corner next to the greenhouse,
 and it almost always has dozens of pretty little pink roses on it.  Next
 to this is a reasonable sized bush with petite roses with large dark red
 petals with a pretty little yellow circle around where the seeds grow. 
 The fastest growing bush is right next to the walkway as you pass the
 greenhouse and is always sticking it's thorns out to 'get you' as you walk
 by.  It is prolific in terms of the number of pink roses it generates.

 I have got a little bit better at pruning the roses over the years.  I
 now wear leather gloves.  So today my hands do not look like they were
 run through a meat grinder like they often have in the past.  However,
 I did have on a short sleeve shirt yesterday and probably have 100 little
 scabs where the thorns told me they did not like what I was doing to them. 
 Every year I do work with the roses, I remember a wonderful conference
 talk by Apostle Hugh B. Brown.  In this talk he said as he pruned his
 roses one year he saw a little tear (noun) form at one of the cuts and
 seemed to hear in his mind's eye the words 'Why are you doing this to me?' 
 He recalled when he was in the military service and how he learned he did
 not get a promotion he was due because he was a 'Mormon' (the message was
 written in red ink across the recommendation on the desk of his commanding
 officer).  Elder Brown beautifully described how he talked to the rose
 bush and told it the firmness he was showing in pruning was for it's own
 good, even if it hurt and it wasn't recognized at the time, and it (the 
 rose bush) would actually create more roses and develop a stronger root
 system as a result of the pruning.  He recalled his earlier military life
 and how he had heard in his mind's eye the master gardener say 'Trust me,
 this hurts me as much as it does you, but it is for your own good.'  I
 remember one year, how as the blood ran down my arm from a particularly
 deep poke by a thorn how I sat there and watched it and thought about
 our Savior, his crown of thorns, and the pain and anguish he suffered for
 us, for our mistakes and our sins.  

 I hope each of you will develop a relationship with the master gardener,
 and that when you have your time of trial and testing and pain you will
 be able to recognize His support and assistance, His love and concern. 
 He does exist and He loves each one of us, especially when we turn our
 back on Him and don't recognize our need for a good pruning.  I know."

#721, 17Feb97, BEG and VETL.
"I love you because of how you smiled as I told you how excited
 I was about my day building a bridge between The University of
 Texas and The University of Houston via the BEG and VETL.  The
 BEG has a new project that is doubling their $18 million annual
 budget.  The suggestion of forming a branch of the BEG at the
 VETL and a branch of the VETL at the BEG is very exciting for
 both groups.  The BEG needs some group to handle their
 visualization and electronic communications, desperately needs
 a presence in Houston where they can have access to consultants
 and have a local place for making presentations to oil company
 executives, and they have budget to pay for these kinds of
 services.  The VETL needs access to geotechnical domain expertise
 and visualization problems, desperately needs a presence in
 Austin where legislators can be invited over for an afternoon
 demonstration, and needs to expand the number of funded projects
 they are doing.  You were so cute as you put on your critic hat
 and explained 'the pictures were fuzzy' and as you smiled when
 I explained that no one could possibly live up to your theatrical
 expectations.  Thanks for being in a better mood and thanks for
 almost treating me like a friend.  To me you are much more than
 a friend; you are my eternal companion and I love you."

#722, 18Feb97, Scheduling Communications.
"I love you because you talked to me before I left about scheduling.
 I realize you were asleep, and so I will remind you I plan to go
 to Utah to see Paul off and to meet with the Governor's office.
 Because you are going to be in Austin the week before, I will
 plan on driving to Austin on Monday morning March 3rd, flying to
 Salt Lake on Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning, seeing Paul off
 and going to Southern Utah to see my family (and to see if I can
 put myself back together a little bit), and fly back to Austin
 Sunday evening or Monday morning March 10th.  As we move into this
 new amicable relationship of being 'just friends' we must learn to
 do a better job of scheduling communications.  For instance, I
 deeply resent the lack of courtesy and lack of friendship shown in
 your communication about your weekly 'Friday night out' (with
 anybody but me and to anyplace I and your kids won't know about).
 You really should leave a note, or maybe even send me an e-mail
 with your plans and schedule (and the kid's plans and schedule) so
 there isn't the constant surprise.  For instance, because of Kathy
 Lyon's card I know you are going to the Rodeo this Friday.  Well,
 I am going to College Station to have dinner with Ben and Sarah.
 Please make sure the kids at home are taken care of and I know
 where they are when I get home!  Thanks friend whom I love."

#723, 19Feb97, Thanks For Dinner.
"I love you because you mouthed to me, after I kissed your windshield,
 'Thanks for dinner.'  It was good to see you.  I was disappointed you
 so consciously chose to not come and sit by me in the seat I had saved
 for you.  It would have been nice to have been able to look over at
 you and watch how proud you are of Roice as he received his award for
 being the top academic student in his graduating class.  I thought
 the other qualifications of starting at UT and graduating in 4 years
 were also worthwhile criteria.  I am very proud of him as I know you
 are.  It was also nice to watch your concern and sympathy for Roice
 as he tried to move because of the pain he felt from his double
 broken collar bone.  Dinner was nice.

 It was interesting to watch your body react to my response to Roice's
 question to the effect 'What lasts forever?'  As you will recall my
 answer was 'Family, family is the only thing that lasts forever.'  It
 took some time for the words to reach your brain, and your body just
 kind of involuntarily cringed, but you recovered real quick.  I
 attribute the delayed reaction to the antidepressants you are on, and
 wonder if they are inhibiting other emotional / spiritual reactions.
 I thought about Roice's reaction: 'And that's the way it is!' several
 times last night.  I wish I had been quick enough to remember the words
 of Michelle Weiner-Davis at the time: 'Divorce is forever.'  Of course,
 we know divorce is part of family, and I absolutely stand by my
 statement 'Family is the only thing we have that lasts our whole life.'

 It hurt me to see you recoil and curl into a self protective ball as
 I tried to kiss you.  I wish your feelings towards me were not as they
 are.  This reaction is a basis for my feelings of failure, emasculation,
 worthlessness, hopelessness, despair, etc.  Just as you can not erase
 my feelings, I can not change how you feel and react to me, only you can.
 Earlier in the day I had a conversation with a High Priest, who is
 working with me as a structural geologist consultant.  He was divorced
 several years ago.  He spent years of his marriage feeling absolutely
 the same way I feel.  Blaming himself for everything that went wrong in
 his family.  It finally came out that his wife had had a child out of
 wedlock before they ever met, never told him, had slept with dozens of
 folks before they were married, as a newly married spouse had gone
 next door to where his brother was building a house stark naked and
 attempted to seduce him, and had had ongoing affairs throughout their
 marriage.  Even after all of this came out, he found that the church
 does not give any support to the man, for if he really is a man he will
 figure out a way to forgive and solve the issues.  He is certainly bitter
 about his whole experience, but, like me, his testimony is still intact.
 I am not writing these to accuse you of anything.  I am saying this
 because I know me, I know what I have and have not done, and this whole
 divorce thing does not make sense to me yet.  However, I know it will
 someday, for the truth always comes out, even if not in our lifetime.
 In the meantime, I pray for you and I love you."

#724, 20Feb97, O.J. Simpson
"I love you because of the questioning way you reacted when I used
 the words 'O. J. Simpson' the other day.  As I was driving from the
 La Quinta Inn to the Bureau of Economic Geology Thursday morning the
 radio had an advertisement on for Oprah about Mark Furhman
 presenting 'new evidence which has never been made public,' and of
 Oprah asking him if he is 'racist.'  I think you were, at least
 initially, more interested in the trials than I was.

 I never did pay much interest to the trials and the hoopla surrounding
 them.  However, I have thought: 'He is either guilty or he is not.  If
 he is not guilty he would never admit to guilt.  If he is guilty he
 also would probably never admit to guilt.  How many of us hide and deny
 things we are guilty of, carrying the pain inside and creating scars
 that are deep inside, with the false belief no one else can ever know
 about them or we will not be liked or loved.  We can indeed create a
 sense of mistrust and judgment and generate our most secret fears.
 If O. J. is guilty, even of murder, God loves him and Christ has
 suffered for him.  To receive this love and atonement we simply need to
 have faith, repent, be baptized, and be receptive to receiving light
 and truth from The Holy Ghost.  How do the rest of us know if O. J. has
 overcome pride, and is being honest with regards to whether he is guilty
 or not?  It is his choice as to whether he comes across in a truthful
 manner and our choice as to whether we have the truth confirmed to us
 by the spirit.  Ultimately it is not up to any mere mortal to judge.'

 I am pleased to be able to say: 'There is nothing my wife doesn't know
 about me, my past, my present, and my plans that is known by our all
 knowing God and His son Jesus Christ.'  I have no secrets.  But I 'see
 through a glass darkly' and have not been able to reconcile what is
 happening in my life these days with what I know about me and my love.

 I called as part of my on-going effort to do this reconciliation between
 what has happened and what is happening.  Thanks for talking to me on
 the phone Thursday night.  Thanks for reading Paul's letter to me.
 I love your voice.  I love all of the good times we have had together.
 I love you."

#725, 21Feb97, Schedule
"I love you because I knew your schedule Friday night.  It is hard
 to come home after being gone four days and not know where anyone
 is, whether I am suppose to pick someone up, take them someplace,
 and whether there is supervision where my girls are at.  I am
 doing my absolute best to let go, and not try to exercise control
 in any way the activities of those I love other than to make sure
 you all know I am concerned about safety and environments.  However,
 it is nice to know where everyone is.  I only  knew where you were
 because I saw the note from Kathy Lyons and looked up in the paper
 when the artist she referred to was playing at the rodeo.  But I
 knew where you were, and I was not worried because I knew in
 advance.  I expect this next weekend will be the same with you
 being in Austin.

 I wish we communicated better.  I believe schedule is something we
 could and should practice on, not as a control, but as a courtesy,
 because we are going to need to communicate about schedules even
 if the divorce happens.  You know my schedule, and I would really
 appreciate it if you could make an effort to let me know your
 schedule.  I believe in the high pressure world we choose to live
 in, this is a simple thing that can relieve some tension.  I hope
 you appreciate my not going to Utah this Friday, and staying for
 a week, which was my original plan.  It is because I know your
 schedule, because I know you were looking forward to this teachers
 conference in Austin, and because I love you."

#726, 22 Feb 1997, Prime Words.
"I love you because you gave me plenty of space this weekend to
 finish getting my 12 year poetry effort, Prime Words, ready to
 do a first publication so I can give a copy to Paul next Wednesday
 as he leaves for Russia.  I do not understand why this project has
 been something you resent so much, especially since one of the
 reasons I started writing poetry was to see if I could find a way
 to communicate better with my lover.

 I have been reading a book called 'The Language of Love,' and it
 is obvious I do not know your language and you do not know mine.
 I believe if we made an effort to learn each other's language of
 love, we might be able to fill the other person's 'love tank' and
 resurrect the dream we both had when we got married.  I guess I
 have to assume you have no interest in making any effort, but I
 will attempt to identify, understand, learn, and use your love
 language, with the hope you might someday have an interest.  Last
 night I read about men who are like the 'Dead Sea,' in that they
 can drive from Houston to Chicago, not have the radio on, not say
 anything to anyone, and be perfectly content.  It pointed out how
 these men often marry 'Bubbling Brooks,' who fill all available
 space with words and enthusiasm.  It points out how after about
 seven years the 'Bubbling Brooks' realize they do not understand
 the 'Dead Sea,' and the 'Dead Sea' has heard everything the
 'Bubbling Brook' has to say, too many times.  Like many
 generalizations, this picture seems to have shades of applicability
 to our relationship, but it is certainly only part of the story.

 I know I am desperate for emotional intimacy with a person who loves
 me.  I want to be admired, paid attention to, to have my finer
 qualities noticed, and to have a fun, verbal, loving relationship
 where it is easy to talk and easy to listen.  I expect you have
 similar desires.  I do not understand how we have fallen so far
 short of these reasonable goals.  I know I have tried my best,
 within the limitations of the love language I know, to build a
 close, emotional, and loving relationship.  As I read this book
 it makes a lot of sense to me that my failure is tied to not
 knowing your language of love.  I guess I have to acknowledge
 the obvious fact your language is not being spoken in either
 these Lovelets or in Prime Words.  I will strive to learn what
 love language you listen for, and to learn it, because I love you."

#97.08, Risk.
"Roice is doing good considering his collar bone is broken in a couple of
 places.  After thinking about what he learned from the motorcycle accident
 he shared a poem with several of us that I thought would be a nice basis
 for this week's Thoughtlet.

                     Risks

     To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
     To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
     To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
     To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
     To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
     To love is to risk not being loved in return.
     To live is to risk dying.
     To hope is to risk despair.
     To try is to risk failure.
     But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to
        to risk nothing.
     The person that risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is
        nothing.
     They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they can not learn, feel,
        change, grow, love, live.
     Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
     They have forfeited their freedom.
     Only a person who risks is free.....
                                           Author-Unknown

 Because of my entrepreneurial tendencies, risk has been a central part
 of my life, and thus yours.  When I resigned from Mobil six months
 before being vested in the savings plan, doubled our house payments,
 took a cut in pay, and moved ourselves to Houston from Dallas, we 
 took a risk.  To some people it was a gigantic risk.  To me it was
 not a risk.  When I left Landmark and started HyperMedia, it was a
 risk of the same category.  Again, I did not see any risk, I just
 saw NetScape (after all we were three years ahead of them and had
 [have] better technology).  However, after almost going bankrupt,
 seeing the strain it has created on our family, and me, I now
 recognize there was tremendous risk involved in that move.

 In thinking about the poem Roice shared, I have identified two kinds
 of risk: (1) selfish; and (2) empowering.  Selfish risk is related to
 doing things because it feels good to get an adrenaline high, because
 you are sure you are going to win the jackpot and will not have to
 worry about money again, or because taking the risk has the potential
 of providing something or some things that meets personal and / or
 ego needs.  Empowering risk is service, love of neighbor, striving
 to make a difference, and taking a risk that has the potential to
 make the future better for others (if it benefits the risk taker
 it is a nice afterthought).  Of course no one is at either end of
 this spectrum, but we are all moving back and forth in our motives.

 I hope we can each take the time to evaluate the risks we take, and
 strive to take empowering risks."

#727, 23 Feb 1997, Dominance.
"I love you because you are always on my mind.  As I worked on
 entering and editing stanzas in Prime Words I came across one
 that really struck a chord in light of our present circumstances.
 That is why I copied the stanza labeled 'Dominance' for you:

     The rights of the priesthood are inseparably
     Connected with the powers of heaven
     And if forced or controlled irreparably
     Damage blessings that would have been given

 and wrote on the bottom of the sheet for you:

     Marti,
         I am sorry for the dominance I have exercised.  I
     understand that misguided love and a big ego are no
     excuse.  I am so proud of your independence and striving
     to live sustainably.  I do hope you will reconsider and
     work with me to find a balance retaining your independence
     within the bonds of marriage.  Love,  Roice

 I continue to hope and pray that my words, written in 1993,
 (specifically the word irreparably) are not absolute truth.  I
 continue to have faith and hope, specifically because you are
 such a good person underneath your emotional scars (which Christ
 will heal and remove when you choose to go to the well), and
 because I love you."

#728, 24 Feb 1997, Open.
"I love you because you looked so inviting as you laid on the bed
 and we talked about a couple of items.  I like the white satin
 nightgown with the little window across your full and firm breasts.
 Your body posture was so open, I wanted to reach down and hold you
 and kiss you.  However, your words were still in another place.

 I have put so much thought into why we do not have any emotional
 intimacy.  Certainly we both have sinned in ways that make it hard
 to be emotionally close.  I went back 14 years and have tried to
 recall any specific event that might have given you reason to look
 elsewhere for intimacy.  Certainly my workaholism and 'marriage' to
 the Seismic Acoustics Laboratory and then Landmark Graphics is key.
 I wondered if the visit by Marnie Sorenson (I forget her married
 name) and her husband was a factor, along with our follow-up visit
 to their house.  I realize too many kids, too close together, and
 specifically two unplanned for blessings was a key factor.  I guess
 we can not undo the past.  However, you can express your anger
 about the past, get that off your chest, and hopefully find a little
 emotional relief.  I would so appreciate it if you would talk about
 the pain of past years with me, with Diane, or with someone.

 I want you to be released from the emotional pain you obviously feel
 because I love you."

#729, 25Feb97, Want Something.
"I love you because you talked so nice and pleasant to me on the
 phone.  I am very concerned about how tired you have been lately.
 Please take your iron pills!  You know you have a tendency to be
 anemic.  As I mentioned how I would appreciate if you would ask
 the kids if they have any interest in going to the rodeo on
 Saturday, since they do not talk to me, I was really touched by
 your off hand comment: 'Well, they only talk to me when they want
 something.'  I certainly hope this is not always the case, and
 that we can both find ways to develop closer communication with
 each of our wonderful children.  I am hopeful that the book I am
 reading on the language of love will have benefit with them also.

 In the meantime I want you to read my words tell you what a
 wonderful and talented person you are.  I love to listen to you
 play the harp or the piano when I am home.  I pull your note to
 'Jose' out regularly and am absolutely amazed with the depth of
 your insight within the conciseness of your comments.  I know
 teaching is sometimes hard and probably sometimes disappointing
 for you, but I am so impressed how professional you look each
 morning and how you head out into the world with determination
 and grit, despite all of the emotional pain in our lives right now.
 I am not writing these words because the book says to.  I am writing
 these words because I truly and deeply feel they are true.  I look
 forward to the day when you recognize how much I do love you, as well
 as to the day when we can develop a deep and sincere emotional
 intimacy.  I continue to believe this will happen because I love you."

#730, 26Feb97, Talk On The Phone.
"I love you because you have seemed receptive to talk on the phone
 with me the last two nights.  I am sorry I interrupted your work
 on paying the bills.  I really appreciate how you keep our finances
 up.  I know this is not something you like to nor want to do.  Me
 either.  I would hire someone to do it rather than take the time
 necessary to take care of this most important chore.  Thank you for
 being willing to do this activity.  As I thought about me sitting
 in a motel in Austin playing my guitar and singing the love songs
 I have written for you to myself and contrasted that with your
 sitting in front of the Macintosh for hours doing that which you
 do not like to do, namely paying the bills, I felt very guilty.  I
 wanted to be transported to Houston and I wanted to take over paying
 the bills so you could go grade your papers.

 Then I got thinking about other things I have noticed recently that
 you have done for me or for the family.  I think it was two weeks
 ago Friday I drove into the driveway to a freshly mowed lawn and
 thought how neat it was that you had arranged for this to be done.
 I would like to see our kids learn responsibility and believe yard
 work is one way this happens.  However, the way the kids react to
 any request I make of them makes hiring it done a much better option.
 Thank you for making sure the yard is taken care of.  In affect this
 was taken as a gift.  It was not until I read the chapter on gift
 giving as one of the five basic languages of love last night that I
 realized how important gifts are in filling up my love tank.  I
 thought of Prime Words, the years of giving you a rose every day,
 these Lovelets, the cards, my Valentine's present for you, and I
 realized my primary language of love is gifts.  I speak the language
 I would like to receive.  I think these efforts have been ineffective
 because this is not your primary love language.  I am pretty certain
 it is not touch.  I do not believe service shows love to you.  This
 leaves quality time and words of affirmation, unless there are other
 languages or dialects he has missed.  So I will plan on calling you
 each evening about 9:00, unless you tell me not to do so, in an attempt
 to speak love in a way that is meaningful to you.  Getting back to
 what I started writing about in this paragraph, namely things you have
 done for me or for the family that are truly appreciated, even if the
 words have not been there to tell you so.  Thanks for buying groceries
 on Monday evening, making the bed Sunday and Monday, washing the dishes
 Monday, bringing the kids and yourself to church on Sunday, sleeping
 in our bed, smiling when you didn't feel like smiling, and playing the
 piano on Saturday morning.  There are thousands of other wonderful
 things about you and that you do for me and for our family which I will
 try to be better at noticing and mentioning both verbally and in these
 Lovelets.  I realize more than ever how the things I appreciate get
 lost in unkind words taken as being judgmental.  I am sorry I have not
 had any idea people speak different love languages before now.  Please
 realize my love tank is also on empty, and please recognize my efforts
 to continue to share how much I love you despite my own needs.

 I recognize it is hard for you to talk on the phone, and that you do
 not like to do this activity. I expect this is largely because when
 someone calls they want something, and right now you have nothing to
 give.  It appears from Austin like every piece of emotional energy you
 have is tied up in taking care of yourself, which is a good and
 important thing to do.  I hope by adjusting the way I tell you how much
 I love you, it will help fill your love tanks.  I want to do this because
 I love you."

#731, 27Feb97, Continuum.
"I love you because you were a silent part of the discussion with
 Roice at dinner last night.  He had sent me a response about my
 last Thoughtlet called 'Risk' which I quickly read Tuesday morning
 as I left the house.  He basically said I was being judgmental
 and he did not like the statement his risks are selfish and my
 risks are empowering.  As I drove to Austin Tuesday morning I spent
 the time writing out examples of the bipolar nature of the universe.
 I typed those out one evening this week, and had a copy to give to
 Roice for discussion over dinner.  My intention is to use this as a
 basis of my Thoughtlet for this next Sunday.  Roice's response was
 that he did not agree.  He said there is a continuum, there is no
 such thing as good and bad, and to say there is good and bad is to
 be judgmental.  It is so nice to have an articulate son who can
 express himself so well.  It hurts so much to hear the compromise,
 the unwillingness to take responsibility for choices, and the
 pseudo-sophistical excuses for justifying living at the edge.  But
 in writing this last sentence I am being judgmental, and I am sure
 you hear me implying Roice is a bad kid.  On a continuum he is not
 at all.  In my bipolar scientific based way of thinking he is barely
 on the wrong side of the boundary (see this next Sunday's Thoughtlet).

 Maybe the way I think is the whole problem between us.  I know this
 is one of the messages you have consistently said to me.  I know that
 at times my mind gets so wound up with these kind of thoughts I can
 not sleep.  When I am home I will go in on the computer in the middle
 of the night and spend hours reading e-mail, or working on a project,
 probably as a way of hiding from things like the dichotomy
 between a bipolar universe and a continuum of choices.  I wish I had
 your trusting nature and did not worry so much about the implications
 of everything.  Thanks for setting an example for me.  I love you."

#732, 28Feb97, Empty.
"I love you because you are such an important part of my life.  I
 went for a run this morning for the first time in Austin since I
 dislocated my shoulder.  Almost ran into a car.  It was scary. I
 thought about you as I ran.  I thought about how you will probably
 not be home when I get home tonight.  I thought about how empty
 the house will feel, even if Rob and one of his friends are there.
 I let my mind run forward over different scenarios.  I hope and
 pray you will change your mind.  I love you.  Your being there
 is a gift to me, a gift which makes my struggles worthwhile.  I have
 realized, as I read this book on the language of love, how I really
 don't need sex (it has been seen as a gift), I really don't need
 the laundry done (it was taken for granted as a gift), I really
 don't need meals cooked (they were seen as gifts), I really don't
 need a clean house (this perceived need is tied to my mother and
 my grandmother's needs), etc.  However, I do not relish the idea
 of coming home to an empty house.  And whenever you are not in the
 house it is empty to me.  You fill up my life.  I wish I knew how
 to do the same for you because I absolutely do love you."

#733, 01Mar97, Won't Read
"I love you because you are a good woman.  I can not comprehend the
 pain you must be in now.  I know I am in tremendous pain, but your
 pain must be absolutely horrible to feel the need to so completely
 reject my love.  I do not believe anyone rejects true and freely
 given love unless they are in pain.  I know you told me you won't
 read these Lovelets anymore.  If you choose to trash them rather
 than read them, I feel sorry for you.  I look forward to the day
 you choose not to be alone.  I have not chosen to be alone, and yet
 I feel so alone.  I understand what our Savior felt in the garden
 we visited more than ever before in my life.  I know He loves me
 and therefore I am not alone.  I know he loves you and I hope you
 know you are not alone.  I look forward to the day you know how much
 I love you."

#734, 02Mar97, Darrell Krueger
"I love you because you said to me as you left for your English
 Teacher's Conference: 'Have a good weekend with your kids.'  I
 think we did have a good weekend.  I was disappointed with Sara
 spending $40 under false pretense (going out to dinner at Chile's
 on the Sabbath rather than buying a video), and I was upset Melanie
 came home at 1:30 Friday night and 12:30 Saturday night (and
 particularly that she had drunk a beer Saturday night).  However,
 I believe I handled both of these situations in a way you would be
 pleased with, and it is wonderful Melanie is willing to be honest
 with me about a mistake in judgment.

 I guess the key reason I had a good weekend with my kids was because
 my cousin Darrell Krueger came to visit.  He was checking up on me
 because he cares about me.  He had a Benchmarking workshop at The
 Houstonian, didn't want to travel on the Sabbath, but I know he came
 down Saturday night to spend time with and support me (and you if
 you would have been home).  He got Rob to go in for his interview
 to be advanced to a Teacher.  He watched 'The Nelson Family Mellow
 Drama,' 'The Nelson Superheros,' 'The Hafen Family Video,' etc.  He,
 a Stake President and University President, who knew I had broken
 20 china bowls on our kitchen table, asked me to give him a priesthood
 blessing because he is applying to SUU to be the President, because
 his daughter Tanya has left the church, and because he feels tremendous
 pressure from all of his responsibilities.  I doubt, with your feelings
 about me right now, if you could ever ask me for a priesthood blessing,
 and I expect you feel I wasn't worthy and shouldn't have done what he
 asked.  But I did, Melanie and Rob were there, and it was a very special
 experience for me.  Prior to asking me, he asked if I would like a
 blessing, and I had said yes.  After I gave him a blessing he gave me
 a priesthood blessing, and in that blessing he said I was to receive
 it as if my father had given me the blessing.  The only thing I wanted
 from Dad was a priesthood blessing, and I had told no one that except
 Dad and Brent Jones, the farmer neighbor who tried to buy the farm.  It
 was an overwhelming experience.  The tears are flowing down my cheeks
 as I write about it.

 Anyway, thanks for wishing me a good weekend with our kids.  It was a
 very special weekend, a weekend that gives me hope that this cup which
 I have currently been given to drink will pass.  I look forward to that
 day, just as I look forward to the day you accept the fact I love you."

#735, 03Mar97, Settlement Agreement.
"I love you because you are constantly on my mind.  It was a hard day,
 because I forced myself to spend time thinking about, talking to the
 legal consultant Eddy Roger's recommended, and facing up to the fact
 I need to respond to this settlement agreement document you gave me
 early Saturday morning.  On the way to Austin I listened to a business
 tape.  It had a section in it about how businessmen go through the
 classic stages of denial, escape or diversion, and then accepting
 reality when their businesses get in trouble.  I guess I am finally
 attempting to accept reality.  It is hard for me, and I hope that my
 response will be received with the love, thought, and prayers that
 have and are going into preparing it.  I do love you."

#97.09, BiPolar.
"For those not here, Darrell Krueger came and stayed with us from Saturday
 evening through a few minutes ago.  It was a wonderful visit.  He gave me
 the blessing I always wanted my Dad to give me, and we had quite a bit
 of time to talk.  It was very helpful for me.  One of the things we talked
 about was these Thoughtlets, and specifically how I hang my emotions out
 with the words I write.  He was able to help me see that when one does
 this there are times it will seem offensive to some who are not anywhere
 near the same place, and times the thoughts will be outright rejected.
 I apologize for the times I do this.  It is not intended.  I do intend
 to keep writing these notes, and then writing a hand written note on
 the copy I mail to Russia, at least until Paul finishes his mission. 
 Then, depending on the comments you kids give me, I will decide whether
 it is worthwhile continuing the project.

 Roice was upset about what I wrote last week.  Because of the time Darrell
 and I spent together and because I leave for Austin then Utah to see Paul
 off and to go see Mom, I will not have time to post his comments for a 
 couple of weeks.  I encourage everyone to read them, as they are insightful
 and show the depth of his thinking (http://www.walden3d.com/hrnmen, then
 click on 97.08a, in about three weeks).  He read words of elitism and
 judgment in my words about Risk.  He suggested I 'should not always try
 to be the teacher and the parent with (my) children - (He) thinks that
 (you kids) have significant insights too, that (I) may learn from.'  For
 the most part I agree with his comments.  We had a great dinner on 
 Thursday evening, and talked about it in much more detail.  I had prepared
 the following chart on the bipolar nature of the universe.  For those not
 acquainted with the word, bipolar means two states, like `on' or `off,' or 
 `positive' and `negative.'  My scientific background leads me to see much
 of the universe as bipolar, or opposite, choices:

>WE  LIVE  IN  A  BIPOLAR  UNIVERSE              H. Roice Nelson, Jr. 26Feb97
>        Conceptual Space        Physical Space          Measurement Space
>        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Science Source-Sink             Star-Blackhole          Light-Dark
>vvvvvvv Actual-Theoretical      Proton-Electron         Positive-Negative
>        White-Black             Color-Black & White     On-Off
>                                Normal Pressure-Overpressure
>                                Metal-Nonmetalic        Explosion-Implosion
>                                Magnetic-Nonmagnetic
>                                NonRadiation-Radiation
>        Act-Not Act             Natural-Synthetic       Hot-Cold
>                                Water-Ice               Rain-Snow
>                                Vapor-Water             Sunshine-Rain
>                                Leaf-Flower             Wet-Dry
>                                Stem-Leaf
>        Wisdom-Knowledge        Branch-Stem
>        Knowledge-Information   Trunk-Branch            Fast-Slow
>        Information-Data        Root-Trunk
>                                Fruit-Vegetable
>                                Photosynthesis-NonPhotosynthesis
>                                Plant-Animal            Movement-Still
>                                Reptile-Mammal          Awake-Asleep
>                                Cow-Bull
>                                Girl-Boy                Friend-Enemy
>                                Women-Men               Married-Single
>        Houston, Katy           Roof-Wall
>                                Wall-Floor
>                                Field-Road              Virgin-Lascivious
>                                Lawn-Driveway
>                                Clear-Cloudy
>        Out-In                  Build-Destruct          McDonalds-Burger King
>        Up-Down High-Low
>        Right-Left              Bridge-Edge
>                                Soft-Hard
>                                Design-Build            Full-Empty
>Objective  Lift-Drop           Diamond-Zychonian        Enter-Exit
>vvvvvvvvv
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Subjective Objective-Subjective Home-Office             Mexican-Chinese
>^^^^^^^^^^
>        Share-Take              Stand-Sit
>        Giving-Selfish          Run-Walk                Music-Noise
>        Serve-Take              Swim-Float              Country-Rock
>        Service-Selfish                                 Classical-Country
>        Calm-Angry              Support-Tear Down
>        Early-Late              Extroverted-Introverted
>        News-Gossip             Love-Hate               Honest-Liar
>        Innocent-Guilty
>        Moral-Immoral
>        Ethical-Unethical       Follow Commandments-Sin Glory-Shame
>        Lift-Putdown            Spiritual-Temporal      Active-InActive
>        Trust-Judge             Spirit-Body
>        Accepting-Judgmental    Life-Death              Testimony-Dissident
>        Happy-Sad
>Religion Good-Bad               Christ-Satan            Heaven-Hell
>^^^^^^^^
>
 I also wrote how we can expand the scale at the boundary, but our universe
 is still bipolar, and almost invariably we need to make a choice.  The
 scriptural example of how Abraham taught us `as one star differeth from
 another so is the resurrection' was used to describe the continuum on
 either side of the bipolar boundary.  I also included a statement about
 how Christ taught us to be hot or cold, but not lukewarm, implying we
 should not to sit on the fence, or live at the boundary.  Roice was very
 quick to point out many of the items on my list are part of a continuum,
 and how often no choice is required.  For instance, in my metallic, non-
 metallic example, he asked `Where does the transistor fit in?'

 I thoroughly enjoyed the discussion.  I continue to believe we end up
 making choices on most of the examples in the above chart.  I believe
 it is possible to spend one's whole life avoiding choices of `right' and
 `wrong,' and at the end of life find there is a feeling of mushiness about
 our lack of commitment.  Even if you strongly feel I am absolutely wrong
 in some of the things I write, it is my hope these Thoughts stimulate
 your neurons and encourage some discussion about the differences in our
 thoughts.  I am willing to take the risk of being offensive and rejected,
 because I believe over time this will be better for those who choose to
 be offended and to reject.  In other words, I hope over time my words
 prove to be empowering and not destructive or selfish."

#736, 04Mar97, Melanie's Second Accident
"I love you because you are taking care of everything in regards to
 Melanie's second accident.  I assume she is ok, since you were going
 to pick her up at work.  I wanted to call and check on her, but you
 were so adamant that I should not call back, I decided it was better
 if I did as you asked.  I know I feel alone, I expect you do also, I
 hope Melanie does not.  I am glad you are there to take care of what
 ever needs to be done.  Thank you.  You are a good woman.  I love you."

#737, 05Mar97, Paul at the Salt Lake Airport.
"I love you because you are the mother of our children.  I am very
 proud of them, especially Paul these days.  I look forward to seeing
 Paul at the Salt Lake Airport, and giving him a copy of 'Prime Words,'
 just before he gets on a Boeing 747 for Russia.  I know it would be
 hard, expensive, distracting from commitments, and contrary to where
 your focus is these days, but I would like to invite you to join me
 in saying good-bye to Paul.  I will figure out a way to pay you
 back for the plane ticket, if you will take the time to fly into the
 Salt Lake Airport prior to 12:30 tomorrow afternoon.  His flight
 leaves for Cincinnati at 12:55.  I do not have hotel reservations yet,
 but I will probably try to stay at the old Howard Johnson's hotel
 across from Temple Square (I think it is called the Temple Plaza Hotel,
 or something like that, and it is on South Temple and 100 west).  If
 you decide to join me in saying good-bye to Paul, it would be good for
 him, and it could be the first step of a new start, a divorcing of our
 old ways, and of a re-marriage for us.  I continue to hope because
 I love you."

#738, 06Mar97, Utah's Future.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I met with various people
 in the Utah State Government about Utah's Future.  It was a very
 exciting and busy 30 hours after Paul left.  I met with the Chief
 Information Officer for the State, a budget analyst, a professor at
 the University of Utah, a key numerical modeler in the Department of
 Air Quality, two guys in charge of the State Geographic Information
 Database, an Associate Director of the Governor's Office of Planning
 and Budget, the director for the Wasatch Front Regional Council,
 the Project Manager for the Coalition for Utah's Future, an analyst
 at the Utah Department of Transportation, and the Director of the
 Regional Planning Department for Mountainland Association of Governments.
 In addition I went to a session at the Salt Lake Temple Wednesday
 evening and again Thursday morning, and listened to the Tabernacle Choir
 practice their last three songs Wednesday night.

 Why were you on my mind?  Because I kept thinking how much you could
 offer to education in Utah and how my connections could find the right
 fit for your interests (whether it be English teaching, research, or
 administration), place you in an exciting, challenging, or fulfilling
 position, and thus help you find the fulfillment you seem to be
 searching for.  I kept imagining you walking to SUU from the house you
 design on Leigh Hill, and thinking about talking about all you are
 involved in over a dinner I fix you (not spaghetti and fish sticks).
 Of course, I also thought about you as I went through the temple
 sessions.  I look forward to the day when you have the humility and a
 desire to return to the simple truths of the restored gospel.  I believe
 the day will come when you will be able to forgive me, I will forget
 about my jealousy, and we will be able to trust each other again.  You
 are an exceptionally talented, gifted, and strong woman, which is shown
 by the independent steps you are now undertaking.  I look forward to
 the day we can get back on track and work on our joint future because
 I love you."

#739, 07Mar97, Cameron and Leslie.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I arrived at Mom's house
 and met Cameron and Leslie and Leslie's little sister.  They are
 very nice people, and it is very nice there are people like them
 available to take care of the sick and the lonely.  Mom is getting
 worse in her ability to move herself around.  She stayed up most
 of Thursday night reading Prime Words and all of the footnotes.
 She had interesting insights for me.  I took her to a Mexican
 Restaurant in the evening.  As we sat down, there was one of those
 beautiful Cedar City sunsets out the window.  Mom looked at it and
 then looked at me and said 'You know it's been nine months since
 Daddy died.  I wish he was still here.  He would be coming in off
 the golf course about now and we could have dinner together.'  I
 smiled on the outside, but cried on the inside,  wishing she could
 have said something nice like that to him when he was alive.  Then
 I thought how I have married my mother (or maybe created her), and
 then my mind flipped and I had this faint glimmer of hope that nine
 months from now you might want me to have dinner with you.  I will
 continue to hold onto these fleeting hopes because I love you."

#740, 08Mar97, Hafen Video Tape.
"I love you because you were a silent part of the conversation with
 Grandma Hafen and Uncle Tony.  Your name was not mentioned once,
 but the story Grandma told about her Grandfather David Forshea, which
 I put in Thoughtlet #97.10, and several of the things she said about
 needing to except our failings and continue on in life making the best
 choices we can seemed to me to be aimed at helping me accept my current
 lot in life.  As I left the St. George Temple there was a lady from
 the Westlake Ward there to see her brother get married and she stopped
 me to talk to me.  I felt so guilty being at the temple when my wife
 is divorcing me and I know in my heart it must really all be my fault.

 I was able to control my emotions then and as I went and visited
 Grandma and watched Sara's video and the Hafen Family Video with her
 and Tony.  But as I think back and as I write these words the tears
 are flowing down my face.  I really have tried to do what is right.
 I believe you have also.  I wish there was something I could do, but
 I realize I have to leave everything in God's hands and trust in my
 knowledge that Jesus loves me and you and there will be good come from
 all of this pain, which I know you feel also.  I do hope it doesn't
 take too long for some good to come, because I feel pretty down about
 myself right now.

 I happened to see Dale Hatch when I was in the Governor's office of
 Planning and Budget on Wednesday.  I mentioned I needed to sell the
 lot because of the upcoming divorce, and because Mom had told me one
 of her friends told her he had looked at the same lot.  He said he
 is probably going to stay in Salt Lake.  I got his card so I could
 make a copy of the Mellow-Drama and send it to him and Danny.  I felt
 like such a failure at the only things that really matter in my life.

 I guess as I think about all of the failures in the Hafen family, I
 realize my problems and trials are but for a minute.  Glenn and Linda
 went on their first vacation since they got married last week.  They
 are doing very well in Heber.  Tony has health problems, but he and
 Beaulah seem very happy and fulfilled.  I will also endure my trials
 reasonably well.  Not unlike the Man of LaMancha, it will be because
 I have someone whom I love.  I know you are probably not reading these
 words and I know you consider them meaningless, but the words have
 meaning to me.  God knows my heart and how I mean it when I say how much
 I love you."

#741, 09Mar97, Eureka, Utah.
"I love you because your memory was with me as I stopped in Eureka,
 Utah to attend church.  I mentioned in my response to your settlement
 letter some of the words of wisdom from these folks who could be called
 'backwoods simpleton's' said in priesthood meeting.  I carry too much
 fertilizer around and I stir it too often.  I am sorry.  In Sunday
 School, the Gospel Doctrine teacher took a diversion in his lesson to
 ask why I stopped in Eureka to go to church.  I explained how Rhonda
 had got me the wrong return ticket (2:50 PM instead of 5:30 PM) and so
 I had to drive most of the way to Salt Lake before stopping for church.
 He made comments about how she could get in trouble for doing that,
 then he said how much it would surprise him if any of the hundreds of
 folks who go through Eureka on their way to 4-wheel in the sand dunes
 would ever stop and go to church there.  Then he said, 'Are you a Stake
 President?'  I said 'No, I am a Stake Missionary.'  He looked down at
 the ground and said 'You can tell where someone's heart is by what they
 do when no one they know is watching them,' and he went on with his
 lesson about the dangers of pride.  I am not just continuing to send
 these Lovelet's out of habit.  I am sending them because and to tell you
 I love you."

#97.10, Stories.
"This is the first time, but surely will not be the last time, I have sent
 one of these Thoughtlet's from some place other than 1307 Emerald Green.
 It is actually the second time I have written one remotely, because this
 was originally written on Sara and Des' computer in Cedar City on Saturday
 evening, but the computer shut itself down and the file was lost when we
 took a break to eat some spaghetti.  It is now Monday evening and I am
 back in Austin, and it is hard to reconstruct all of those thoughts.

 There were two e-mail's I got last week I wanted to reference.  I got my
 first e-mail from Rob.  It was wonderful.  Thanks Rob.  I hope it is the
 first of many, like has happened with Roice, Ben, and Paul.  The second
 was from Sarah Johnson, who expressed concern I was considering stopping
 the Thoughtlet's.  These two are related in my mind, because Rob's said,
 'Hey Dad, I like getting e-mail,' and Sarah's more specifically said,
 like Darrell Krueger did when he visited, 'I like the stories.'  It doesn't
 take much feedback to get me to keep up the effort.  It is hard for me
 to write, but I have long forced myself to do it, because it is good for
 me and exercises the more dormant left side of my brain.  As I gave each of
 you kids and a few other family members a copy of my 12 year, 260 page
 poem 'Prime Words' this week, I thought about Lovelets, Thoughtlets, and
 my other writing efforts, and kind of likened them to the daily newspaper
 articles written earlier this century of one of my heroes, Will Rogers.

 Speaking of heroes, I wish you all could have been at the airport with me
 to see Paul off to Novosibirsk.  Talk about wired, excited, and ready for
 action.  He couldn't stop talking about how they had built Russian flip
 charts, all of the pictures they had organized, how he had been marking
 his scriptures, and other stuff I have recommended he do.  It was neat for
 me to share in his excitement.  He even had a couple of English Book of
 Mormon's for whoever was lucky enough to sit by him on the trip there.
 There were about seven in his group traveling to Russia.  One of the guys
 from Salt Lake probably had 50 people there to see him off.  At the other
 end of the spectrum, one of the Elder's father had just had a stroke, and
 there was no one able to see him off.  I was really glad I was able to
 make it to the airport to see Paul leave.  I think he appreciated it,
 although I did wonder if it was the $120 for overweight luggage, being
 able to use the cellular phone to leave a message for Kristina and to talk
 to his Mom, Grandma Nelson, Grandma Hafen, and Aunt Sara.  He was so funny
 about a letter one of the missionaries got from an aunt.  She had written
 about stuff the Elder's will miss and be glad to see when they get back;
 like women who shave under their arms; and the part of their anatomy which
 will reappear when they thaw out.  The Elder's referred to it as 'The
 Letter.'  We did talk about some serious stuff, including his coming home.
 Paul wants to visit Moscow, St. Petersburg, and to go to Sweden to go
 through a Russian endowment session on his way home, about Christmas time
 of 1998.  I intend to go, and am willing to fund Marti and any of our kids
 and their spouses who would like to join us.  I would like to start making
 plans and saving enough cash for the trip, and will appreciate knowing of
 your interest and calendar restrictions as soon as possible so I can begin
 to bound and prepare for the opportunity.

 As far as a story for this week, it is hard to choose one.  Whenever I
 visit Utah, there are so many different things happen, there could be
 dozen's of stories I expect some of you will have an interest in.  The
 one which came to the front of my mind Saturday night, was one Grandma
 Hafen told me earlier on Saturday.  We watched Sara's video of her
 gymnastics dance competition, where she was accidentally kicked in the
 head and knocked down.  Other than this violent part, Grandma Hafen and
 Grandma Nelson really enjoyed it.  (Sara, I left the video out there for
 Aunt Sara and Bridget to look at, and I will bring it back when I go
 back out to Utah in a couple of months.)  I had taken Uncle Tony's tape
 of Hafen Family 8 mm movies, to record Grandma Hafen's description of
 the various people in the video.  Grandma was really excited and had
 Uncle Tony and Beaulah come into town to watch it with her.  I intend to
 transcribe the tape and use it as a basis for putting digital video
 segments on the web, cross-referenced against family histories and our
 genealogy.  I also brought to Grandma Hafen a thick binder full of
 genealogy information about her family and Marti's early draft of her
 personal history.  She did not remember seeing several of the things
 about her Grandfather, David Forshea, before.  This is when a story
 about her Grandfather came up.

 I do not believe she knew her Grandfather, but she described him as a
 'very good looking man' who liked to drink.  She talked about how in
 a recent family history his death had been written of as an accident
 in Milford on the way back from a business trip to Salt Lake.  She said
 when Silver Reef 'dried up,' David moved to Milford to mine.  One night
 he and a group of his friends were in a Tavern and wouldn't leave.  The
 owner finally turned the four of them out at about 3:00 in the morning,
 and three of them were so intoxicated they did not make it back to their
 lodgings.  Grandpa Forshea froze to death on one of the streets in
 Milford and was buried there in an unmarked grave.  Two things really
 struck me about this brief story.  First, we all have our free agency,
 and we and our descendants get to live with the consequences of our
 choices.  Second, Grandma Hafen's comments about how important it is to
 recognize and accept our ancestors human characteristics; the good,
 the bad, and the relatively unattractive characteristics they and we
 all have struck home with me.  Heroes come in all kinds of shapes and
 sizes and habits.  I thought back to geology field camp in the mountains
 west of Milford in 1973-1974.  I realized how it nice to be alive and
 to have the Forshea geology/mining genes flowing in my blood vessels.
 I wondered if sometimes the real heroes aren't those we learn what not to
 do from, because they lived life full enough to make mistakes.  This
 story gives a whole new meaning to our extended family to me."

#742, 10Mar97, Moving to an Apartment.
"I love you because you are taking care of yourself.  It hurts 
 to see you moving to an apartment when I am in town.  I keep
 hoping you can forgive yourself, forgive me, and work with me
 to rebuild our marriage.  However, I recognize it will be
 pretty hard for you to do this with the anger and the feelings
 you currently have.  So until you can be around me and not have
 a visceral reaction, I guess it is better to have the space
 which being in your own apartment provides you.  I anticipate
 that at some point this space will become more confining than
 our house has been oppressive.  When this happens I look forward
 to welcoming you back, taking you on business trips with me, and
 becoming actively involved in rebuilding our marriage so both of
 our needs are better met than they have been for the last
 several years.  In the meantime, I continue to love you, even if
 it is from a distance."

#743, 11Mar97, Divorce Settlement.
"I love you because you are proving how thorough you can be.  It would
 be much nicer to see this same amount of effort put into our marriage.
 I fantasize how if the same effort which has gone into budgeting for
 the divorce, buying and furnishing a new house, moving to the apartment,
 making sure all of the i's are dotted and t's crossed in the divorce
 settlement, etc. had been put into our marriage then our marriage would
 be rock solid.  However, I recognize these thoughts are just fantasy.
 The fact is you have spent so many years building up calluses, I don't
 have much chance right now of touching the right spot and inducing a
 normal female reaction.  All of this hurts and I realize it comes out
 in my words.  Part of my understanding of love is it is being able to
 acknowledge the pain and still honestly see the good and the potential.
 Love is having faith in and being able to hope for better times.  You
 have proved to me and are proving to yourself you are an independent
 person.  I look forward to the day when, knowing very well you can live
 without me, you choose not to do so because you realize life is more
 fun and interesting together.  I am sorry about the anger and hurt, both
 mine and yours.  I am certain it will pass like a spring thunderstorm
 and you will someday realize how much I do love you."

#744, 12Mar97, Jocelyn Urech.
"I love you because you are using the system, namely your legal
 counsel Jocelyn Urech, to make sure you take care of yourself.
 I do not have the puzzle of this divorce put together yet, but
 I have just about got the edge of the puzzle put together, and
 am convinced it will be interesting when we can all look at the
 entire picture and understand the relationship of the various
 figures in the painting.  I know from the edges that this will
 the puzzle will not be completed until after all money is
 transferred and probably not until all kids have left home, if
 the divorce lasts that long.  Someday I hope you will satisfy my
 curiosity as to the criteria you used to select your legal
 counsel.  Jocelyn seems very focused and seems to be doing a very
 good job for you.  Even though it hurts me, I want you to be taken
 care of by the system because I love you."

#745, 13Mar97, Visitation Rights.
"I love you because you are working so hard to take care of our
 children in the way that seems best to you.  I strongly disagree
 about there being no consequences tied to noncompliance to family
 rules.  But you strongly disagree with me, and you hold all of the
 trump cards.  I will not back down on tying my visitation rights
 to seeing the kids involved in the social and spiritual aspects of
 the church.  As I know you know how I absolutely believe this is
 the best available option for our kids.  It is certainly more
 important to me to see the kids participating in church activities
 than any amount of money it costs to encourage this activity.  I
 realize it must be their choice, and I really do appreciate your
 willingness to commit to encourage them to actively participate.
 Despite and maybe shown in the disagreement on #2 and #12, I want
 you to continue to hear how much I love you."

#746, 14Mar97, Please Read This First.
"I love you because you sent me a tender, caring, loving e-mail
 titled 'PLEASE READ THIS FIRST.'  Specifically, you wrote:
   >I sent the previous mail by mistake.  I wasn't finishes, was
   >going to edit the last part severely.  It is overly harsh and
   >written while I am tired and upset.  I am sorry.
 Compared to things I write, intending them to be read with a firm
 recognition of how much love I feel, your words were not 'overly
 harsh.'  As you have said many times, I am a harsh man.  You are
 as tender as a lily by comparison, and your two e-mails highlight
 the difference in how our minds and hearts work.  I am trying and
 will continue to attempt to treat you as tenderly as you desire to
 be treated.  Patience, kindness, and love unfeigned are attributes
 I strongly desire to better incorporate into my life and into our
 relationship.  I am beginning to better realize how sensitive you
 are, and specifically how words intended to be spoken or written
 in firmness and love are received as harsh and vindictive.  One of
 the main reasons I started writing the stanzas for Prime Words,
 which led to these Lovelets and my weekly Thoughtlets, was to learn
 how to better communicate with you and how to tell you how much I
 love you.  I am striving to be tender, caring, and loving in these
 Lovelets, because I do love you."

#747, 15Mar97, You're In The Same Shape I Am.
"I love you because you said, as I took the cereal out of the
 fridge and the milk out of the pantry: 'You're in the same
 shape I am.'  Thank you for picking me up from dropping off
 the Saturn for the 30,000 mile service.  As you drove back to
 your apartment, got out, gave me the keys to your apartment
 and left with the Caravan key, then got back in and drove me to
 the house, it was obvious the pain you were in.  Thank you
 for acknowledging I am also in pain.  Thank you for being at
 the house cleaning it and vacuuming it when I got home from
 Austin on Friday evening.  I realize how hard you are trying
 to make the transition easier for me.  I wish you would
 change the way you look at our 'opportunities,' and work with
 me to really solve them by starting over in our marriage.  As
 I see how much this is hurting you, it gives me hope that you
 realize deep inside there is a wonderful future for us together,
 once we choose to see it, and work towards it.  In the meantime,
 I love you."

#748, 16Mar97, It's a Sad Time.
"I love you because you looked at me with your big puppy dog eyes
 and said 'It's a sad time, I feel like someone has died.'  It
 was very touching to see you and Michelle Schmidt hug each other
 after church, to see the tears in your eyes as you left, and to
 have a burning feeling in my heart that this is not really what
 you want.  I wish I knew how to help you get out of the trap you
 feel you are in without all of the pain.  But I guess there are
 consequences for our choices, and after a lot of years of saying
 to yourself 'I am going to divorce him,' it is only logical that
 you are going to divorce me.  I hope you will be able to soften
 your stance over time, and that you will be able to forgive and
 forget, both yourself and me.

 I appreciated your listening to my comments about pride.  I very
 distinctly remember the day John Mouton asked me if my religion
 didn't teach something about how pride is a sin, and then having
 President Benson's talk on Pride follow within a few weeks.  I
 realize I have a lot of pride, and I hope this experience is
 helping me to realize my total dependence on God.  Your tears
 showed that you recognize pride is an issue in your life.  It would
 be nice if there were an easier way for us to overcome our pride.
 At least I continue to have faith and hope that this time will pass
 and as we together look back on these times we will come a sure
 knowledge of what true love is and will know how to share it with
 each other in a language we each understand.  No one can know good
 until they have experienced bad.  No one can be happy unless they
 know what sad is.  I believe our upcoming knowledge of true love is
 more than a dream.  I believe it is our destiny because I love you."

#97.11, Handcarts.
"What a week!  It has been totally emotionally draining for both me and
 your Mom.  I hope you kids at home will give Mom lots of hugs and those
 of you away will send her lots of e-mail and call her.  She especially
 needs to hear what a wonderful person she is, because she is wonderful. 
 Her new phone number at the apartment (while I am home, i.e. not in
 Austin at the Bureau of Economic Geology) is 281.646.0625.  I recently
 listened to tape 36 in the Dramatized Church History series, which is
 about the trials of the near future, when the stock market busts, the
 government collapses, and good people from places like Texas and Ohio
 have no choice but to walk to the Rocky Mountains to find relief. 
 Sometimes it seems like those physical trials would be easier than the
 emotional one we are facing in our family these days.  The tape and what
 has changed in our lives over the last few months and years reminded me
 of a variety of the prophecies I have read about the trials of the last
 days, how the very elect will be deceived, and how everyone must stand
 in their own light.  I hope I endure, and I pray for each of you.

 Then I got home from a week in Utah and a week in Austin yesterday, and
 the Church News for the week ending March 8th was in the mail, with the
 front cover titled 'Handcart trek in Siberia.'  It is a wonderful article
 about Paul's Mission, Mission President, and about a group of saint's
 in one of the three open cities in his mission who built a Handcart,
 took it through the city of Krasnoyarsk, Siberia, and had a social
 event and hymns of faith in the sub-zero weather around a campfire. 
 I will put the article in Paul's missionary folder so everyone can
 read it when they look over the various letters Paul has written home.
 The Handcart will go from this easternmost city in the Europe East Area,
 will travel by train to key cities in Russia and Ukraine, join a wagon
 train from Winter Quarters, Nebraska, and arrive in Salt Lake City on
 July 22 with written copies of testimonies, personal greetings to
 President Hinkley, and several dolls and Siberian bears.  As I read
 about how cold their short parade was, and how they commemorated the 13
 brave Mormons who froze to death 150 years ago, I thought about Paul,
 and I half-wished I could go back to simpler times.

 I remember when we lived in Dallas and every summer to celebrate the
 24th of July we would drive to Eblon Malouf's ranch south of Dallas,
 where Stan Taylor, Bishop Snyder, Karl Kuby, Jerry Tousa, and other
 stalwart's would have a Bowery built of branches, a store that sold
 rock candy, and a trail marked out with actors talking about key
 events as the pioneers made their way across the plains to Utah.  I
 expect Roice and Ben might be able to remember some of those Pioneer
 Day celebrations.  It was hot in the Dallas sun.  It was a challenge
 with little kids and babies to make the 'boring' hike.  It was dry
 and dusty, even though there was a small lake there.  There were lots
 of chiggers and ants, although I think this was before fire ants.  I
 seem to recall playing the part of William Clayton one time.  Probably
 just my ego, since his journals were key to the History of the Church,
 he invented the odometer for that first wagon train, and he wrote the
 words to `Come, Come, Ye Saints.'  I was thinking about him this
 morning early as I ironed my shirts for the week, and I wrote a fifth
 verse for anyone interested in a 1997 sesquicentennial addition:

 1.  Come, come ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
     But with joy wend your way.
     Though hard to you this journey may appear,
     Grace shall be as your day.
     'Tis better far for us to strive 
     Our useless cares from us to drive;
     Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
     All is well!  All is well!

 2.  Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
     'Tis not so; all is right.
     Why should we think to earn a great reward
     If we now shun the fight?
     Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
     Our God will never us forsake;
     And soon we'll have this tale to tell -
     All is well!  All is well!

 3.  We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
     Far away in the West,
     Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
     There the Saints will be blessed.
     We'll make the air with music ring,
     Shout praises to our God and King;
     Above the rest these words we'll tell -
     All is well!  All is well!

 4.  And should we die before our journey's through,
     Happy day!  All is well!
     We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
     With the just we shall dwell!
     But if our lives are spared again
     To see the Saints their rest obtain,
     Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell -
     All is well!  All is well!

 5.  Then if our paths diverge, it is not the end;
     Through trials of faith, we must still hope!
     When we feel betrayed, remember time will mend
     All the pain and help us cope!
     We will endure, with joy and peace
     Through Christ our Lord, who sounds the bell;
     Remembering when, all trials will cease -
     All is well!  All is well!

 Even though I don't get much feedback from you kids, there were three 
 messages in response to last week's Thoughtlet on `Stories' which really
 buoyed me up.  The first was from my Sister Sara, who is one of my biggest
 supporters (which is amazing considering how mean I was to her when we
 were kids), the second from Cousin Di in Los Angeles (who also passed on 
 Debbie and Steve Wood's son Jeff has just received a mission call to
 Uruguay), and the third from Cousin-in-Law Katherine in Bloomington, Utah
 (who closed with `...  I enjoy reading your Thoughtlets and muse on them
 for a time so keep them coming.')  Their comments give me hope that some
 day these musings will be meaningful to each of you.  In the meantime, I
 realize what is important in your lives.  Roice and Ben had Spring Break
 last week, and Melanie, Sara, and Rob have Spring Break this week.  I
 hope each of you had or has fun, and was or will be a good example to
 those you are with.  Rob just agreed to spend the week working with me at
 the Bureau in Austin.  We will probably go out to dinner with Ben and
 Sarah Friday night (hopefully in LaGrange rather than Bryan), and then
 spend Friday night camping at my friend Anders Saustraup's annual Spring
 Festival in Round Top, Texas (Euphoria, Frisks and Jollifications,
 Learned Discourses, Wildflower Excursions, Music and Musicians, Empty
 Space, Profound Thinkers in Attendance, Inertia, Indolence, Campers Who
 Snore, Many Wise Women, Many Philosophers, Star Gazing, Fishing, etc.). 
 Anyone who want's to join us just drop me a note and I will get you
 instructions as to where and when to meet.  Otherwise, don't worry,
 and be happy."

#749, 17Mar97, Overwatering.
"I love you because you were so receptive to Dr. Aronson's comments.
 He was really in his element, and his words were quite inspirational.
 His reaction to my comments about the universe being bipolar, was
 'Well, Roice must be right, Roice is always right, I should have known
 I couldn't argue with Roice.'  Then he compared your language to a
 continuous analog TV or radio signal, and mine to a digital signal
 (probably sign-bit on and off only).  It is impossible for these two
 types of signal to communicate without a translator.  He talked about
 how your 'hardware' is finely tuned, and the slightest signal is
 received as a greatly amplified danger signal.  I think the insights
 written about in Lovelet #746 show this very well.  He told me I am
 drowning you with overwatering.  I responded how good a description
 this is, particularly based on how I consistently overwater in
 the greenhouse.  I told him I am beginning to see that the harder I
 pursue, the harder you try to get away.  I wish it were not so.  As
 I tried to explain how I see and respond to the whole when you are
 describing a detail, I was very impressed with how you pointed out
 how my reaction is emotional, as if my worst fears actually happened.
 I am sorry we do not communicate better, but I have hope that we will
 because we are describing each other's reactions with examples that
 fit the data.  I do look forward to the day when it is not so because
 I love you."

#750, 18Mar97, KMIX 94.7, Austin.
"I love you because you encouraged Rob to come to Austin with me over
 Spring Break.  In some ways I feel like I compromised on what my Dad
 taught me, by paying him to work for me, especially since he didn't
 put in 8 hour days.  However, he did put in about 4 hours of good work
 each day, and I think he felt pretty good about his efforts.

 It was really funny as we rode into Austin.  He had gone to sleep and
 after I stopped for breakfast at McDonalds, about 30 miles before Austin,
 he was hyper.  There is this radio station in Austin, KMIX, that has
 the funniest and most insightful hosts I have ever heard on in the
 morning.  About the time we ate breakfast Sandy, one of the male hosts,
 said 'I can tell the kind of car you have by the sound of your horn.'
 So Rob called on the mobile phone and was put on hold, ready to have
 me honk the horn and see if this guy could tell what kind of car we
 were driving.  He took about 6 calls and got them all right, right down
 to the year and make of the car.  Rob was so disappointed when they
 told him they had taken all the calls they were going to take.  They
 also have a new word each day, and if you call after Funky uses the
 word in a sentance you get tickets to something going on in Austin.
 Rob recognized the word, but wasn't the first to call in.  As we drove
 up to the Bureau, he turned to me and said, 'Dad, why can't Houston
 have good radio announcers like this.'

 Rob spent the day helping Christine Martinez catalog some well logs.  He
 was tired, but when he started to complain about getting up so early he
 realized he had gone right back to sleep for a couple of hours.  He did
 is best day of work on Tuesday.  After dinner at McDonalds, we checked
 into the LaQuinta Inn and instead of going back to the office to catch
 up on my Lovelets, I stayed with Rob and watched the first TV I have
 watched in Austin.  We watched an HBO Movie called 'The 2nd Civil War.'
 It was about an Idaho Governor who closed the borders to his state to
 Pakistani children who had escaped from an atomic bomb dropped by India.
 The language was course, the acting was bad, the plot had no real depth,
 but the concepts were a little to close to my view of the future for
 comfort.  I kept seeing you needing help and me not being there for you.
 It hurt, more than I know how to describe, because I love you."

#751, 19Mar97, Pie Building vs Fixed Pie
"I love you because you are the mother of our children.  It was a
 pretty good day with Rob, even if he didn't work much.  Food is of
 course of prime importance.  We ate at a Chinese Restaurant for
 lunch and at McDonalds for dinner.  The guy at McDonalds messed up
 and gave me a 'large orange juice' in a large orange cup on Tuesday
 night.  Wednesday night the manager gave us an extra packet of
 cookies for Rob because he remembered.  Rob was really impressed.

 It helped having Rob here.  I didn't cry as much as I usually do.
 Still had tears well up pretty regularly.  But as I write this a
 week later I don't have Rob to cheer me up and distract my mind.
 Evenings in Austin are hard.  I read, I work, I write e-mail, and
 I go out to dinner with Roice.  The distractions help, but the
 emotional pain I feel is real and is consistent.  I had a thought
 running through my mind all day, and Rob kind of enhanced it.

 A few years ago I read a book by an economist.  I've probably talked
 about this with you, but I think it relates directly to us.  He
 wrote there are two kinds of games people play in their interactions.
 He named these games as 'fixed pie' and 'pie building' games.  A
 'fixed pie' game assumes there is a limited resource and if one player
 else gets part of that resource it leaves less for the other players.
 The financial portion of your settlement agreement fits into this
 category.  The 'pie building' game assumes each player brings an
 ingredient to the game, and as long as they can provide their
 ingredient(s) the players can make as many and as varied of pies as they
 want to.  Divorce is a 'fixed pie' game.  Marriage is a 'pie building'
 game.  Rob's attitude towards work was 'fixed pie.'  My attitude
 towards work is 'pie building.'  When we got back to the Motel we
 watched 'Star Trek - First Contact.'  The Borg approach problems from
 a 'fixed pie' perspective.  The Star Trek Crew approach problems with
 a 'pie building' approach.  I look forward to the day when we can
 again build pies, because I do love the ingredients you bring to the
 game of life and because I love you."

#752, 20Mar97, Roice and Rob to Dinner.
"I love you because you were with me in spirit as I took Roice and
 Rob to dinner at Black-Eyed-Peas.  Again, food was a big part of
 the day.  Rob loved to visit the candy and the pop machines.  We
 ate lunch at Jack-in-the-Box.  Dinner was funny.  Rob loves to talk
 and he acts like he has never been given an opportunity to say what
 he wants to.  He just talks and talks and talks and talks.  He
 likes to tell jokes.  Roice told him he should be a comedian.  Rob
 started off insisting that time is the 5th dimension and that Albert
 Einstein said we don't know what the 4th dimension is.  Roice laughed
 and countered with 'Time could be the first dimension and space the
 next three dimensions, it is all a matter of semantics.'  Then Rob had
 to go into great detail about why he thought it was this way or that.
 It was a very nice dinner.  I wish you would have been with us.  I am
 so proud of both of these boys.  I hope I told them in a way they
 heard me.  After dinner we took Roice to school and dropped him off
 for his class.  Then Rob and I went bowling.  I bowled my highest
 game ever: 151.  However, swinging the bowling ball really hurt my
 arm, and so I only bowled one game.  Rob bowled for me and for him
 on the second game and he bowled 148 for him.  He was happy as a
 clam, only he talks much more than a clam ever will.  Then we went
 to the motel and watched 'My Fellow American's' which is about two
 X-Presidents who end up working with each other to fight a conspiracy.
 It was such a perfect evening.  I almost forgot about the divorce.  I
 did think about you several times though, and did because I love you."

#753, 21Mar97, Ben, Sarah, and Rob to Dinner.
"I love you because you were with me again in spirit as I took
 Ben, Sarah, and Rob to dinner.  We went to Appleton's, where I
 went with Ben and Sarah the other time I drove home through
 College Station.  It was kind of a repeat of dinner with Roice.
 The difference was Ben showing off his new chess set he bought
 in Mexico and Sarah showing off the neat black and white pictures
 she took at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon and as they visited
 her Grandmother.  Sounds like they had a really good Spring Break.
 Dinner was a repeat because Rob started it off talking about
 whether time is the fourth or the fifth dimension.  As I mentioned
 in the Spring Break Thoughtlet, he also attacked one of the senior
 scientists at the bureau with the same questions.  He is convinced
 the fourth dimension is gravity and time is the fifth dimension.
 Rob was also very strong in his negative statements about A&M and
 the Aggies.  Ben Sarah just took it in stride.  It was fun to
 watch them sway back and forth with each other to the sound of
 1960's music.  None of us had a chance to say much because Rob was
 so busy explaining everything.  But it was a very enjoyable meal.
 I wish you could have been with us.  I miss you because I love you."

#754, 22Mar97, Ander's Spring Festival.
"I love you because you were still with me in spirit as Rob and I
 went to Ander's spring festival.  There was a fairly negative
 discussion with Rob as we left College Station.  He was blaming
 not having any friends on Jeremy Rollwitz.  He said this was the
 reason he sat on the couch and ate and was fat.  I told him he is
 as fat as he is because he sits on the couch and eats and it has
 nothing to do with Jeremy Rollwitz.  I tried to get him to name
 one person that was not his friend because of Jeremy Rollwitz.
 He got really mad and verbally attacked me with 'I want to go to
 Houston right now!' and then 'Well there is no question but that
 Mom has really good reasons to want to divorce you.  You always
 make everyone unhappy.'  When he saw I was not going to Houston
 he calmed down and helped navigate.  We got to Ander's about 9:45.
 Rob immediately fit right in.  We got there just before Glen Alyn
 and a Tuba player from Dallas started playing.  It absolutely
 captivated him and me.  I wished you were with us.

 I had day dreamed that you were going to change your mind and when
 Rob and I got to Ander's place you would be there waiting and we
 would kiss and makeup and start over on our marriage.  You would
 have loved the music, the discussions, the atmosphere, but not
 sleeping on the ground.  I must be getting too old, because I sure
 noticed how hard it is.  Rob tried to stay up all night.  I got up
 at 4:30, found him asleep by the firepit and got him in his
 sleeping bag.  He actually woke up about 8:30 and was lively as a
 bee until we left.  He played Croquet, helped fly a remote
 controlled glider, and he talked.  Ander's mentioned a couple of
 times how much Rob likes to talk.  He also said to give you his
 best wishes.  I did not give him a status report.  I did show him
 Prime Words, and he told Glen, 'This is the book I told Roice I
 could probably stand to edit two pages of.'  Glen seemed impressed
 and spent quite a bit of time looking at the book.  I gave him a
 copy of the tape with our songs on it and purchased some tapes
 and a CD for you.  I wished you were with us.

 Then Rob and I went to Heart-of-my-Heart.  Francis Harris was not
 there, but Rob got to see where his painting is hanging.  They have
 all four of the painting in the Garden Room at the main house.
 They look really nice there.  I left a note for Francis that Ken
 Turner wants to use them for his show at the Columbus Art Center
 from the 2nd of May to the middle of April.  Then Rob and I went
 out to look for the catfish.  There is a new bell, but there was
 no catfish food that we could find.  However, Rob found the
 horseshoe pit and we had to play a game.  He wiped me out.  It
 hurt my arm to throw the horseshoes, but I didn't say anything.
 It was an absolutely beautiful day.  The only thing missing was
 you.  I wished you were with us.

 We stopped at Ken Turner's and Ken and I talked about his art show
 while Rob and Sarah rode the new riding lawn mower.  I really enjoy
 Ken and it was fun to talk.  Nell was busy working in the yard, but
 she asked how you are doing and said she wished you were with us.
 You were with me through our son's presence the entire week.  Thanks.
 I love you."

#755, 23Mar97, Paul's First Letter from Novosibirsk.
"I love you because you handled closure on the settlement agreement,
 and my comments about Rob's fit outside of college station so well.
 I agree he is not in a place where he can hear me say Jeremy Rollwitz
 is not responsible for all of his problems.  I wish I knew how to
 help someone see how self destructive this kind of thinking is. If
 I knew how, I would inoculate him and you.  But I don't, so I just
 have to trust in his and your smarts and heart, and trust that
 eventually they will lead you to put aside the pride and the blaming
 and come home to someone who truly loves you, even if I don't say it
 in a way you can hear.

 Thanks for doing the dishes Monday night.  Sara came home and had a
 lot of homework to do, but she said she would finish cleaning up the
 kitchen after she got home Tuesday evening.  It was absolutely
 wonderful to watch you read Paul's first letter from Novosibirsk.
 Your face is so expressive as you read something you enjoy.  Your
 leg was moving in and out and it showed off the profile of your
 beautiful body.  I wanted to jump you.  Guess that is why I tried
 to kiss you and hug you after you finished reading the letter.  I
 look forward to the day you are willing to recognize and again accept
 how much I love you."

#97.12, Spring Break.
"This has certainly been a unique `spring break' for me.  In the past we have
 taken the family to Colorado or done something as a group.  Roice and Ben
 and Marti had Spring Break the week before.  Melanie went to South Padre
 Island with four of her girl friends.  Sara hung out with friends and went to
 Galveston Island.  And Rob went to Austin and spent most of the week with me.

 Rob, it was great to get to spend time with you and to get to know you better.
 I also really appreciated the help, even though I paid for it.  For those
 who have a chance, be sure to get Rob to show you the results of his seismic
 interpretation of a portion of a large South Lake Maracaibo, Venezuela 3-D
 seismic survey.  The map you made turned out really good, and although you
 were bored to death by cataloging paper well logs, this was an important
 contribution to our team's efforts.  Then there was the typing you did.  It
 is nice to know you like to type, and I'm sure others in the family will be
 pleased to know you will type term papers for them (for a fee).  

 I agree with Rob the highlights of the week were the times we spent together
 as family.  We had dinner with Roice on Thursday night.  The two of us went
 bowling afterwards (Roice had to go to class) and I got my highest ever score:
 151.  Rob bowled a 148 on the game after my high.  The next day I was talking
 to the senior geophysicist at the Bureau of Economic Geology, Dr. Bob Hardage,
 and Rob jumped in with the conversation we had had the night before at the
 Black Eyed Pea, namely: `Do you believe time is the 4th dimension or the 5th
 dimension?'  Bob was somewhat taken back.  Then Rob said, `Einstein said time
 is the fifth dimension and we do not know what the fourth dimension is.  I
 think it is gravity.'  I tried to close of the conversation with, `Well Rob,
 it is kind of like Roice said last night, time could be the first dimension
 and the three spatial dimensions could be the second, third, and fourth
 dimensions.  It is all a matter of definition.'  Bob looked at Rob, looked at
 me, and said, `You guys could really kill a dinner conversation quick.' 

 We had dinner with Ben and Sarah in College Station on Friday.  Rob was into
 being a University of Texas at Austin Longhorn fan, and we got to listen to
 a lot of Aggie jokes.  Both Ben and Sarah took it in good humor, although
 I wondered if it was because I bought dinner.  It was really fun to watch
 Rob explain his seismic interpretation to Sarah and Ben.  When I called Ben
 about dinner on Friday morning, and he said he had not received any e-mail
 about us coming over.  I said it was in last week's Thoughtlet.  He responded,
 `Oh, I haven't read that yet.'  I guess these Thoughtlets are not meeting some
 of my original objectives.  However, Eric Warner sent a nice note saying how
 he enjoys reading them and even wrote `sometimes because of them I review my
 position.'  Guess one can't expect much more than this, and hopefully in time
 this growing library of Thoughtlets will provide a whole new activity for
 someone who is searching to spend their Spring Break pondering.

 Speaking of pondering, as I mentioned last week, Rob and I did spend Friday
 night and Saturday morning at my friend Anders Saustrap's Annual Spring
 Festival.  Rob was up most of the night.  Ander's said, `My, your son
 certainly likes to talk.'  There was croquet, a remote controlled glider
 plane, skeet, campfires, bar-b-que Emu, some really good folk music, etc.
 Paul would have loved the tuba / guitar team that played for a couple of
 hours on Friday and on Saturday morning.  In conversation with the artists
 and Anders, one gem that came up was the reason why so many of the early
 black musicians were blind or handicapped.  Their handicap was the only
 thing allowing them to not spend all of their time working in the fields.
 Anders said that census records in the late 1800's early 1900's classified
 blind folks with lunatics.  Times were certainly different than they are
 now, not that we are much easier on those with physical limitations.

 I certainly remember my spring breaks in High School.  This was the time to
 finish up the plowing, and I could probably plow 30-40 acres of Dad's 180
 acre farm during that week.  I remember spelling my girl friend's names
 out in the fields for the planes landing at Cedar City Airport with the
 plow before starting on a regular pattern across the field.  I don't recall
 resenting the work.  In fact, I enjoyed driving the tractor and singing
 at the top of my lungs, making up songs over the sound of the tractor
 groaning and struggling to churn the dirt.

 Related to finishing a plowing pattern, there was an interesting couple of
 articles in today's Houston Chronicle about `Workaholics.'  As I think about
 the patterns which were set in my life during those early Spring Breaks I
 recognize the truths in the newspaper article: `... When a workaholic's kids
 reach adulthood, their emotional framework often collapses like so many
 matchsticks.  ...  (They) often end up in therapy with failing marriages,
 depression or a sense of anger they can't identify.  At the heart of their
 trouble ... was a well-meaning but absent parent who unconsciously taught
 them that you are judged by what you do, not who you are.'  On January 8th
 of 1994 I wrote the following chorus to a song titled `Insecurity:'
  C:  Unfounded fears, clutter my mind today,
      Reactions that say things, bringing loved ones to tears,
      Unrecognized scars, cut deep in my memory banks,
      Left there with thanks, malicious intent, as far away as Mars.

 According to the paper, in his book `Work Addiction,' Dr. Bryan Robinson
 recommends workaholics spend regular, intimate, quality time with their
 children, accepting them for who they are, and letting them make mistakes. 
 I still hope these Thoughtlets count something for time, but I am going to
 attempt and do more things like spending the week with Rob in Austin over
 Spring Break.  Thanks again Rob."

#756, 24Mar97, Rob's Dinner.
"I love you because you immediately realized what was happening
 in regards to Rob's dinner when you learned I had fed them all
 a nice dinner before Sara went to dance.  This is the first
 explicit example of how the kids are going to use us against
 each other as part of this whole divorce thing.  I hope you
 will always act like you did with Rob, and not feed unhealthy
 appetites and obsessions before you figure out what is really
 going on.  It is critical to the social, emotional, and mental
 well being of our kids that there be boundaries and consequences
 and that they are absolutely not allowed to manipulate us against
 each other for selfish means.  I know you know this, and I am
 glad the natural selfish tendencies of kids came out in such a
 benign way so we can both be watching for and stopping this type
 of manipulation.  I know you love our kids and want the best for
 them and this is one more reason why I love you."

#757, 25Mar97, What?
"I love you because you were on my mind as I drove into Austin.
 KMIX had a couple that are considering divorce on the air talking
 to a psychologist.  Rob and I heard the first of the discussions
 on Friday as we drove from the motel to work.  He is a 'quiet
 desert' and she is a 'babbling brook' as described in the
 co-dependency book.  There were several questions asked which made
 sense to me.  The all were based around the word: 'What?'  The
 psychologist asked the couple to make a list of 'What makes you
 feel good?' and 'What do you give to make others feel good?'  I
 would appreciate getting these lists from you.  From my perspective,
 I feel good when others do things for me showing how much they care:
 sending a thoughtful e-mail, giving me a meaningful gift which they
 put thought or effort into, helping me do something they know is
 important to me, or surprising me in a meaningful way.  I try to
 do similar things for others, and one of the things I realized from
 the book about 'Love Languages' is other people don't hear how much
 I care and love them because we speak a different love language.

 The psychologist told the couple and the listening audience 'If I am
 going to be present for the other person, I must first be present for
 myself.'  She asked 'What do you do to take care of yourself?'  She
 said 'If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take
 care of your spouse.'  When she stressed how important it is to take
 time for yourself, I thought of you going to our room to have time
 alone.  This thought was tied into a brief discussion about how the
 word sacrifice is not popular today, but how there are just too many
 things to do today, and we must learn to prioritize and cut some
 things out.  She stressed it is not bad to focus on ourselves, because
 when we are in a good place we can help your spouse, and to be a
 good parent we have to be a good spouse.  I am going to call the
 radio station and see if I can get a tape copy of the material they
 aired on the subject because I think it is really quite good, because
 I think it would be worthwhile for both of us to listen to it together,
 and because I love you."

#758, 26Mar97, Money.
"I love you because you called me, called the motel and left a
 note for me to 'call home' (It was nice to know you know where
 home is!), and when I called you asked me for money.  This was
 not expected, but it was very nice to know you felt comfortable
 enough to ask.  It almost sounded like trust and maybe even a
 little bit of love.  I am still paying off the credit card bills
 for taking everyone to Dad's funeral, and of course the bills
 for taking everyone to see Paul off and for me to go back and
 see him leave for Novosibirsk.  I am also trying to make sure
 those in our family that want to have a vacation together this
 summer taking a rafting trip the first part of June.  I am getting
 travel information on this now, and want to talk to everyone about
 their interest this weekend so I can make reservations (There is a
 good side to having a good credit rating and the ability to put
 fairly large expenses on credit cards.).  The contract at the
 Bureau has helped me clean up some bills, but there really is not
 any extra money and the contract ends the end of April and I will
 still be $8,000 in the hole (plus the rafting trip).  I have a
 couple of one day consulting jobs (both on Monday the 7th of April),
 but no firm source of income after the end of April.  There are
 several big deals I keep working towards, but like you have said
 for years, don't spend the money until you actually have it.  I
 wish I had unlimited resources so I could meet your every desire.
 However, maybe it is time to stop trying to do this kind of
 unrealistic and frankly unappreciated activity, and to just say I
 can not give you any more money right now, but I still love you."

#759, 27Mar97, Glen Alyn
"I love you because you were on my mind as I went to a coffee house
 on Guadalupe and listened to Glen Alyn, his partner Steve Brooks, and
 their guests Austin songwriters Olin Murrell and Danny Dollinger play
 their guitars and sing for a couple of hours.

 I had taken Roice out to eat prior to this at a Mexican restaurant.  I
 have become involved in an interesting project through Project Mind
 related to an alternative energy source, one that captures energy in
 gravity.  I shared this with Roice over dinner, and it was one of the
 funniest dinners we had.  After he read all of the e-mail's he said,
 'All of this has happened since a week ago Monday?  Dad, I bet you
 scared him to death!'  Then I took him to his class down on campus,
 and drove up Guadalupe Street to 'Joel T's.'

 Glen remembered me from Ander's Spring Festival (probably because I
 bought $40 worth of tapes and CD's).  He came and sat by me for about
 half of the 2 hours people were playing.  It was really fun to listen
 to them.  I could imagine you and I taking a turn.  And so after I
 bought the book from Glen for Paul, and after he autographed it with:
  'To Paul Nelson                             March 27, 1997
      You're in a place where people understand the blues, because
   they are living it.  Your father thought you might like something
   about the roots of the blues, since he says you enjoy it so much.
   I met your dad last week at Anders Saustrup's spring confab out in
   Round Top.  That be about 40 miles from where Mance lived.
                             Glen Alyn'
 I hestatingly said, did you listen to the tape I gave you?  He said,
 'Not yet.'  I said, 'Could I play a song for you to motivate you to
 listen to it?'  He said sure, just pick out a guitar.  I used his,
 which was steel strings, and tried to sing 'The Wooden Shoe.'  I was
 so nervous I forgot the words, the key is too high, the fingering was
 not very good sounding on a steel string guitar, and I felt like a
 fool without you singing with me.  After I finished, Glen very nicely
 said, 'It has a nice melody.'  I excused myself, went to the car and
 cried all the way to the motel and for a half an hour after I got there.
 I wish I could relive our musical relationship together.  I felt like
 I had come face to face with what a failure I am at those things I
 really enjoy.  Oh well!  I have memories of lots of times we have sung
 that song together and how well people liked it.  Guess those memories
 are what I get to live my fantasies with.  Thank you for singing with
 me in the past, even though it was boring and I don't have much of a
 voice.  You do, I will always remember it, and this is another reason
 I love you."

#760, 28Mar97, Nice to Talk and Not Be Upset.
"I love you because we had such a nice forty-five minute phone
 conversation together after I got home Friday evening.  Thank you!
 It was wonderful!

 Thursday morning was the last in the KMIX on-the-air discussions with
 Linda and Gene and Ilene Raphanello, the psychologist.  She got the
 couple to talk about their different aspirations for their trip to
 Hawaii (which KMIX was paying for).  She pointed out how they each
 had a different picture in their mind of what will happen; how
 important it was to talk about this before they leave, so they are
 somewhat on the same wavelength; to take care of them self first, so
 there is energy for their partner; and to take care of their partner.

 Then they talked about how divorce would solve their problems.  'He's
 quiet and she needs to and likes to talk.'  Linda said she felt emotionally
 cut off.  The psychologist talked about how the more one person shuts
 down the more the other person pursues.  She talked about how their
 conversation was like driving on ice and how they needed to turn into
 the skid to stop the polarization.  Jim needs to talk.  Linda needs to
 back off.  Ilene stressed the real work is to get in touch with
 generational patterns that set up personal needs, and not to just try
 and work on their own communication.

 Ilene's assignment was to not do any mind reading.  They were to make
 direct requests; not 'you need to ...,' but 'I would like ....'  The
 answer to any of these questions had to be yes or an alternative.
 They were not to answer with no.  So if he said 'I would like you to
 cuddle with me,' she could not say 'no,' but rather 'I need to get the
 kids to bed, could we cuddle in an hour from now.'  All in all I
 thought it was really good stuff.  When I called about getting a tape
 they said the FCC rules would not allow them to distribute tapes of
 this stuff.  I hope you read these notes and I hope they are of some
 interest and practical use to you.

 I'm not sure why we had such a nice phone conversation.  I guess I am
 past angry and maybe I was feeling a little bit humble.  Whatever it
 was, I will try to repeat what happened every time we talk.  I hope
 you will tell me things I do right, things I do wrong, and things you
 wish I would do.  I am sorry my emotional and social skills are so
 immature.  I want to say and do the right things because I truly enjoy
 times with you like this phone conversation, and because I truly do
 love you."

#761, 29Mar97, Charlene Jenkens.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I helped Doug Hastings give
 a Stake Missionary discussion to an inactive member of the church
 named Charlene Jenkins.  Charlene joined the church about 12 years ago.
 She later got divorced and joined the navy.  She is about 5'2" and a
 ball of fire.  She is also black.  What brought you to mind as we
 talked to Charlene was your kids at school.  I think you would like
 Charlene.  I expect she will come to conference this next week or will
 come to Sacrament Meeting sometime in April.  She has two lovely
 daughters.  She is very opinionated, but was very polite with us.  She
 asked how we were doing, and I said, 'Pretty good considering I am
 not resolved that my wife's filing for divorce can not be put on hold.'
 As we were getting ready to leave Charlene said, 'I can't believe you
 are out sharing the gospel when you are going through a divorce.  When
 I went through my divorce I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.
 If you wouldn't have told me, I would never have known.'  Then she
 thanked us for coming by and we set a time for follow-up.  I gave her
 a hug instead of shaking her hand as we left, and she said 'I had to
 be careful not to get lipstick on you or you might have got in more
 trouble!'  It was a special discussion, and I'm glad you were on my
 mind.  I was not putting you down, not trying to change your mind, not
 angry, not vindictive; rather I just felt good when I thought about you.
 Then when I called Doreen Reynolds and she told me her and Joe are
 getting remarried and how happy Matthew is about this, and after some
 mentioning you have filed for divorce in the course of the conversation
 saying, 'Don't feel bad, it is going to turn out ok.  If divorce
 happens we will get remarried just like you and Joe are going to do.'
 I felt a peaceful calm feeling when those words came out of my mouth,
 that convinced me they are the truth.  I look forward to the day of
 our remarriage, either before our after the divorce, because I love you."

#762, 30Mar97, Lovely Voice.
"I love you because you have such a lovely voice.  It was so nice
 to sit next to you in sacrament meeting and to hear you sing out
 'Christ The Lord Is Risen Today.'  It made a lot of sense when
 you told me you were warming up your voice.  You have such a
 beautiful voice and are so talented.  I wish you believed this.
 I know you had a headache.  I could tell you didn't feel well.
 And yet you were there, you went up after the sacrament and sang
 'Let All The World Be Glad And Sing' with Sister Branning.  Your
 lovely voice was in a class of it's own, not that Sister Branning
 has a bad voice and not that I am prejudiced, but you absolutely
 sounded wonderful.  There were a half a dozen people who told me
 how nice you sounded.  And they don't even love you like I love you."

#97.13, Fix-It.
"We have received two letters from Novosibirsk, Russia since my last
 Thoughtlet.  A few choice quotes from Paul: `We get about 1,000,000 a
 month to spend so I am set for life.  Oh wait thats rubles, darn! 
 It's about $180-200 (it fluxuates).'  `People here are very little. 
 We rent from some lady (Russian) so all the furnature (sic) is Russian. 
 I am about 10" too long for my bed but she said we could take the base
 board of so my feet can hang off.  Elder Main has the same problem, he
 is about my size.'  `I hope you appreciate everything that the Promise
 (sic) Land (America) has.  I will give you a short list.  Toilet paper
 that is not like notebook paper, eggs without poop on them, water that
 is all filtered, shower curtains, individual houses, pooper scoopers,
 hot water all the time, washing machines, I could go on forever but I
 won't.'  `We taught dance classes.'  [This I would have liked to have
 seen!]  `Mainly a square dance I had to teach for a Pioneer Pinic (sic)
 on the 22 here.  Where the Russian members are going to write down their
 testimonies and send them to the Prophet.  Cool huh?'  `It usually snows,
 then melts in the afternoon, then snows again.  It is like Forrest Gump. 
 I have seen it snow sideways, snow from straight above.  Big snow
 and small snow and even snow coming up from the ground.  It gets really
 slick with all the streets completely ice.  I fall usually once a day but
 never more yet.  That's one of my goals.'  `All I can say about the
 language is that when the Lord decided to confuse them he did a great
 job.  It is hard but going good.  Everything is just so fast.'  `An
 Elder Nelson just transferred out of the area so I am ... (Elder Nelson
 the 2nd).  It is really weird.'  `My branch (Novosibirsk) is semi
 inactive but I will fix that.'  `My branch has 35 active members and
 70-80 total.  We will fix that though.'  `I am always smiling which is
 hard cause nobody smiles in Russia but that's O.K.  I'll fix that too!' 

 Then yesterday's letter included: `Everywhere we go, buses, menyao
 (subways) people are always looking at our name tags and we have a lot
 of opportunities to talk to them.  (I like to talk :))'  `Anyway as you
 can tell my English is starting to get worse.  I try to teach english
 class and mispell (sic) the dumbest words.'  `Activity at church jumped
 up 20 people this week.  We got home visiting kicking :)!!!  All but
 one of the families were visited this week.  That's a lot.  Anyway I am
 really trying to be the best missionary I can.'  All this makes a Dad
 and a Mom very proud.  No prouder than of Roice's scholastic honors,
 Ben's fiancee, Melanie's cheerleading, Sara's dance, and Rob's happy
 smiling face (when he has it on).  The difference is Paul is a long 
 ways away and he writes letters.  He is all guy, out to fix-it, whatever
 it is.  Reminds me of me.

 I wrote him how great it is to read about his enthusiasm, but to remember
 there are some things we can not fix.  For instance, today your Aunt Sara
 and I decided it is time to put our Mom in a nursing home.  I could go
 into all kinds of thinking and reasoning and discussions.  The bottom
 line is this is the logical consequence of choices your Grandma has made. 
 It probably should have been done years ago.  If I ever get in a state
 where I will not make the effort to take care of myself and you all 
 decide to put me in a rest home, I hope one of you will read this paragraph
 to me.  Remind me of the feelings I feel this Easter weekend as I am
 forced by circumstances and other's choices to rely more and more on our
 Savior and simply to trust God knows what is best.  It is hard for a fix-it
 guy to sit back and trust everything will work out in an appropriate way
 over time.  But in my heart, when I take the time to stop trying to fix
 other peoples' choices, I know this is true.  

 I got a wonderful e-mail from Todd Staheli this morning.  He asked about
 Roice, Ben, and Paul, the three he worked with in scouts before he moved
 to London.  A few lines from his e-mail which I feel can benefit all:

  >Along that line may I suggest that "fault" is a concept which proves 
  >very slippery, as does your feeling responsible for what is happening.  
  >I am finding that blame is a completely unproductive exercise; I do 
  >not know what is gained by determining who is at fault (assuming that 
  >determination can accurately be made).  People make choices and 
  >undertake actions, each of which have consequenses, intended and
  >unintended, known and unknown.  Not only is linking actions and choices 
  >with consequenses difficult for us mere mortals (I'll explain what I 
  >think here), I believe that the only productive exercise is to simply 
  >learn from the past as best we can and move forward (not necessarily 
  >in that order).  

  >Determining cause and effect when people are involved is extrordinarily
  >difficult (quantum physics teaches this is also true even in what we 
  >call the physical world).  Our world is nothing more than a network of 
  >relationships - actions, thoughts and experiences interacting with each 
  >other.  Lacking knowledge, all we can do is to speculate in this area.  
  >Further, I believe this is an area of life God reserved for himself.  
  >"Judge not unrighteously that ye be not judged" is as practical a 
  >commandment as it is a religious one.  Further, I believe it doesn't 
  >say "Judge not others unrighteously . . ." for a reason.  (This is not 
  >to suggest that sometimes preliminary judgments should not be made.  
  >They are necessary to make life, government and commerce work.  They 
  >are also necessary in the church.  But they are all imperfect and are 
  >all preliminary until that great and final judgment.  Accordingly, I 
  >believe they should be afforded little weight.)

 In an attempt to learn from the past, on Easter Sunday, I thought back to
 the annual picnic our family had with Grandpa and Grandma Hafen when I
 was growing up.  These picnics were some of my earliest memories.  I can
 almost see Glenn and Tony hiding and rehiding the brightly colored Easter
 Eggs Grandma Hafen made.  I remember looking at those Easter Eggs for
 hours wondering how they were colored.  Grandma Hafen would wrap the 
 eggs in leaves and tie string around them and then boil them.  They were
 the prettiest browns and reds and dark greens and yellows.  So I tried
 that this morning.  I picked some little yellow flowers in the back yard,
 some leaves and flowers off some bushes, got some yellow paper that 
 looked like it had a lot of dye in it, and wrapped a half a dozen eggs
 and boiled them.  There were some interesting flower patterns on some
 of the eggs, but frankly they looked more like the eggs Paul described
 than Grandma Hafen's Easter eggs.  Oh well, I'll do better next year."

#763, 04Nov96, Pairs.
"I love you because you were with me as I went to the first Pairs
 group therapy session.  I didn't want to go, but I don't know where
 to turn and so I will grab at anything.  It turned out to be a very
 worthwhile evening.  Just the 'Two Step' book was worth the visit.  I
 realize they are just cartoons and I only read the first few pages,
 but it is written about us.  There were about 25 people there.  A
 couple of them are geologists and know me.  I didn't know them.
 Most are couples.  There were a couple of men there alone and maybe
 five women without companions.  They did some non-verbal introduction
 exercises, got us to meditate as we listened to one of the leaders
 ask questions against a music background, then got us to do some
 communication exercises showing us how much we make up in our own minds.
 My 'partner' was from South Africa, had just moved out of his house,
 and was very insightful.  I am actually looking forward to the next
 session based on Monday night.  The material is good, and I hope you
 will look it over as you continue to consider whether to go with me
 this next Monday night.  I hope you will join me.  Not because I expect
 it to change your mind, but because I expect those sessions you are
 able to attend with me will help us both communicate better as we go
 forward.  I want to be able to communicate so you hear me and I want
 to be able to understand what you are saying.  We need new tools in
 this area because we are pretty stuck, and this seems very reasonable.
 Please look over the materials and please join me Monday night.
 Thanks for considering this request.  I hope you will join me.
 Whatever your choice I love you."

#764, 01Apr97, Roice, Mic, and T.J.
"I love you because you would have enjoyed sitting on a stone bench
 in the cool weather eating a Gatti's Supreme Medium Pizza with Roice
 and I.  Roice called up about noon and said he needed to work late,
 and wondered if I would give him a ride home about 9:00.  Of course,
 I said yes.  At about 8:30 he called and said he was tied.  He said,
 'Dad, I just can't keep up with you.'  When I explained I worked
 until about 7:00 and after that was writing Lovelets to you, he
 kind of changed his tune with, 'Oh, you were just doing personal
 stuff.'  Anyway I picked him up and we went across the street to
 a take-out Pizza place, ordered a pizza and sat at their stone tables
 talking and hitting the table and listening to it resonate.

 Roice was playing mechanical engineer making music out of the table.
 We talked about some of the crazy stuff the disk jockeys on KMIX have
 done in the mornings.  We laughed and laughed and I wished you could
 have been with us.  Roice is quite excited about the possibility of
 a river trip.  He took all of the brochures and will pick the trips
 he is most interested in.  I hope all the kids will choose to go with
 us.  It would be really nice if you could join us too, before you take
 off for New Hampshire.

 As we were driving down I-35 towards Roice's house Mic called.  I had
 no idea the evening was going to be about Roice, Mic, and T. J.  I had
 Roice plug in the phone to the car battery and handed it to him.  It
 was so fun to listen to him talk to Mic.  He is excited about his
 interview trip out there the end of the month.  He in effect told Mic
 he wants a job with him and is very excited about the visit.  They
 talked for about 10 minutes.  By the time they finished we were at
 Roice's house and he went inside and I talked to Mic as I drove back
 to the LaQuinta Inn.  What a neat phone call.  I have such good friends.
 Mic didn't know about Roice's academic honors and was pleased to learn
 of them, but he stressed he and his team want to hire Roice because
 of Roice and not because of me.  I feel as good about this as about
 Ben's choice of Sarah Johnson.

 Mic wanted to know all the stuff I am doing.  I wanted to know all of
 the stuff ASI is doing.  They did $9.5 million in business last year
 and have 20 employees.  Still don't have any cash, but I am sure you
 will get your money within the next couple of years.  Hopefully this
 news makes up for freezing the settlement numbers $2,000+ below your
 latest iteration.  ASI has really built some neat stuff.  Their big
 project at the Boston Courthouse was on the cover of the March 7th
 Engineering News Record (ENR), which is the top professional magazine
 in their field.  ASI is just starting to put together their own web
 pages (http://www.asidesign.com).  What a wonderful investment.
 Everytime I talk to Mic and listen to his excitement about all they
 are doing I feel good about how that $100,000 was spent.  There is no
 question in my mind we will get the money back.  He was pleased to hear
 I have a good lead with Oracle for selling HyperMedia Corporation's
 intellectual property.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a nice return
 on both of those investments?

 Then he gave me the bad news.  Ghetta has filed for divorce and T.J.
 is in the same shape I am in.  As I listened to T.J., I heard myself.
 We ended up talking for over an hour.  T.J.'s Dad got married when he
 was 34 and his mother was 18 when he was born (exactly the same as
 Dad and Mom).  He is scrupulously honest in all of his dealings at work
 and at home.  It was hard when the Shaw was kicked out of Iran and
 his Dad was one of two generals not shot.  He insisted his sister live
 with them for several years, after she escaped from Iran.  Ghetta
 still resents not having a choice in this, and these family issues are
 the reasons she is giving for filing for divorce.  Her lawyer is the
 husband of her therapist and they share offices.  T.J. feels like he
 is being had by the system.  He is so concerned about his son, who is
 only 5 years old.  He does not understand why this has happened.  I
 came away from the conversation wondering what T.J. and I have missed
 in our childhood in terms of being able to understand how loving
 husbands and wives communicate.  I expect there is a significant
 common deficit, and I expect it is related to the differences in the
 ages of our parents.  I expect our workaholism and strivings for
 achievement are rooted in the messages we got from our Fathers.  I
 expect we have both unwittingly and unintentionally mistreated you
 and Ghetta because we do not have the communication tools we need
 or maybe because we saw our fathers take our mothers for granted.
 I further expect that those tools can be learned and you and Ghetta
 are key to our being able to learn how to communicate with you and
 how to treat you like you need to, want to, and deserve to be treated.
 I want to stay married to learn these lessons and because I love you."

#765, 02Apr97, Out.
"I love you because you were 'out' when I called home to see if
 Rob would let me call someone to give him a ride to Young Men's.
 He said he didn't want to go, it was just last week that he wanted
 to go when they were doing the video activity.  I asked if you were
 home and he said, 'No she is out.'  I asked who with?  He said
 'I don't know.'  After I hung up I was at first angry you weren't
 home to encourage Rob and Sara to go to Young Men's and Young Women's
 activity night.  Then I got jealous because you were 'out' and as
 usual my mind jumped to the absolute worst case scenario.  Then I
 quickly calmed down and realized how neat it is you are not as down
 and dysfunctional as I am.  You are able to function, and you are
 'out' hopefully improving and enjoying yourself.  I am sorry I got
 angry.  I am sorry I got jealous.  I am glad I was happy for you
 because I love you."

#766, 03Apr97, Thunderstorm and Taxes.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I sat on my bed at
 the LaQuinta Inn in room 306 looking out the window at the
 freeway (Mopac State Highway 1).  I had just spent an hour on
 the phone with Merril Littlewood and had discovered there is
 a $103,000 tax liability tied to the three stock sales which
 happened in 1996.  I was devastated.  As I sat on the bed
 looking out the window, a Texas thunderstorm lit up the sky. 
 There were sheets of rain coming down and the cars were barely
 moving along the freeway.  The thunder resonated in the third
 floor room.  I picked up my guitar, tried to mimic the echoes
 of rolling thunder,  and wrote:

      C:  'Rain is pouring down
           As cars are rushing by
           Lightening fills the sky
           As I begin to cry'

          'I feel like I will drown
           In tears from my eye
           With anger in my sigh
           I only want to die'

      1.  'The divorce decree is close to being made final
           I've tried so hard to get us to run from denial
           You blame me for everything gone wrong
           And I placate with a song'

 It seemed like the whole world was angry with me.  Angry about
 taxes, angry about divorce, angry about the impact on kids and
 grandkids and great grandkids, etc.  But then I thought, after
 every thunderstorm there is a calm and the grass is greener,
 the flowers prettier, and the birds sing louder.  Taxes, divorce,
 and other problems pass like a thunderstorm in the night.  And in
 the meantime, none of these things can keep me from knowing in my
 heart how much I love you."

#767, 04Apr97, Michele Weiner-Davis.
"I love you because you are always on my mind.  Earlier in
 the week I got a follow-up call from Michele Weiner-Davis'
 office to see if the tapes had helped solve our marriage
 issues.  I told them not yet.  They asked if I used the workbook. 
 I told them yes.  But when I thought about it over the weekend
 and looked at the workbook I realized I had only skimmed the
 workbook and had not written anything down.  Guess I assumed I
 would get everything I need from the audio tapes.  Well I
 started working on the workbook and realized how much more
 useful the effort is if you write down your issues, goals, and
 results.  I will continue to review the workbook and relisten
 to the tapes on a regular basis, with the hope I can learn to
 recognize my mistakes in advance and the goal to not make the
 mistakes.  The lady who called asked me to call and tell her if
 there is any change for the positive.  I told her I would, and
 I do look forward to making that call because I love you."

#768, 05Apr97, General Conference Priesthood Session.
"I love you because you encouraged Rob to go with me to General
 Conference Priesthood session.  I was disappointed he chose not
 to go.  I was disappointed to have him tell me, 'Well isn't it
 good to spend some quality time with my Mom?'  Of course it is,
 but there is a time and a place for everything, and priesthood
 holder's should magnify their priesthood.  There is so much good
 counsel and guidance at General Conference.  But I guess when I
 was that age I had absolutely no interest in attending any
 Conference Sessions either.  So why do I complain and get upset? 
 What am I afraid of?  I expect this is one of the messages you
 are trying to get me to hear, namely just because something is
 the right thing to do does not mean other's you care about are
 going to choose this option.  The whole issue of mortal probation
 is about having this right to choose. 

 I believe you and our children have always had the right to make
 your own choices.  Even though you may say I have striven to
 encourage, sometimes using improper methods, each of you to choose
 the right.  This statement of course begs the question 'What is
 the right?'  I believe it is what the scriptures and the prophets
 and the spirit of prayer teach us.  I can hear your mind saying,
 'But my prayers are never answered!'  Many of my prayers are
 answered, and you know how far from perfect I am.   I hope you
 will find time to think about reasons why you feel your prayers
 are not answered, and take the corrective steps to see them
 answered.  I expect the reason is something as simple as not saying
 them.  I believe the time will come you will want to say your
 prayers, just as I believe the day will come Rob will want to
 attend General Priesthood meeting.  These beliefs are one of the
 infinite  number of reasons I love you."

#769, 06Apr97, What Are You Going To Do?
"I love you because you asked me on Sunday afternoon:
 'What are you going to do?'  The context told me you
 are concerned about what I am going to do to make enough
 money to meet child support obligations.  Hopefully your
 concern was a little bit deeper than this interpretation. 
 I anticipate there was also concern about how I will meet
 my other personal obligations.  It has been so long since
 you have expressed any interest in my work, and because of
 the divorce proceedings I have hesitated to pass on all of
 the good things happening professionally.  It really felt
 good to give you a status on all of my projects, hopefully
 removing some of your concerns about my ability to meet
 financial obligations following the divorce. 

 I have been planting seeds for a long time.  Many of these
 seeds take a very long time to germinate.  They have slowly
 been taking root, and I believe we will see the first
 significant plants coming out of the ground this summer. 
 In fact, I anticipate to start to see fruit this year , and
 that the amount of fruit that will come from these good seeds
 will be truly phenomenal.  You seemed interested in what I
 had to say and I really appreciate your willingness to set
 there and listen to me.  

 As I mentioned above, it felt really good to give you a status
 report and to know you know how big the potential is on some
 of the projects I am working on.  I did not sense some of the
 'I've heard that before' attitude we have had relative to
 similar discussions in the past.  I want to stress here that
 I am ready, willing, able, and will walk away from any and all
 of these projects if you ask me too because you want me to put
 my efforts into some other activity related to building our
 relationship.  In fact I am anxious to sacrifice these
 temporary worldly activities and honors  because I do love you."

#97.14, Taxes and Death.
"Roice had an interview dinner Thursday, when we usually eat dinner together,
 and so we went to a Chinese lunch buffet on Friday.  I told him about a
 big tax surprise we received Thursday evening, your Mom's reaction, and the
 implications.  He was kind of quiet during lunch, and I said something
 like `I have sure screwed things up, but at least you kids will do better
 than I have.'  He responded he wasn't so sure about that.  I sure hope
 you each learn from my mistakes and do a better job than I have.  This is
 a major motivation for writing out this reference manual for you, one week
 at a time.

 We have never talked much about money and taxes and so I am going to take
 this opportunity to share what happens when one is not careful enough,
 hears what you want to hear, make assumptions, and doesn't ask enough
 questions.  You are all aware that in 1991 I helped start a company
 named HyperMedia Corporation.  We had (still have, since I use it every
 day I'm consulting at the Bureau of Economic Geology) an excellent
 hypertext documentation tool.  Like NetScape.  In fact, we were three 
 years ahead of NetScape and have some parts of the technology that are
 better than NetScape.  I can point fingers at Bill Rollwitz (who was
 hired to run the company), lack of sufficient capitalization, being too
 early to the market, only running on a UNIX platform, bad marketing, or
 lack of focus.  However, if I do, there are three fingers pointing back
 at me.  The bottom line is we ran out of money in a $500,000 line of
 credit several months before a $500,000 sale to Saudi Aramco happened 
 and just as Landmark stock (which was guaranteeing the line of credit)
 went from $23 per share to $8 per share.  There was a total of $1.2 
 million in outstanding debts and equity investment.  We laid off 17
 employees and it looked like HyperMedia Corporation would have to declare
 bankruptcy.  I was too proud to allow that to happen and figured if I
 just worked hard enough we would be able to make it.  We worked hard,
 we sold the $500,000 site license to Saudi Aramco (remember when I want
 to Deharan for 7 weeks?), Landmark stock came back up to $20 per share,
 and we were able to get some companies to write off debt.  Then we were
 able to do about $500,000 in business with Fletcher Challenge Petroleum
 in Auckland, New Zealand.  However, we never made enough margin to
 be pay off all of the bills and in 1996 we shut down the company and
 provided investors with paperwork so they could write their investment
 off on their taxes.  HyperMedia Corporation, with a federal tax loss 
 carry forward of $463,700, became a wholly owned by Walden 3-D, Inc.

 I have never made much money in Walden 3-D.  This is where I work on
 long-term projects and `far out' ideas.  In fact, there have been over
 $250,000 in personal loans to Walden 3-D over the years to fund various
 ideas and projects.  I thought I had a basically unlimited tax right-off. 
 Thursday evening I learned otherwise.  During 1996 your Mom and I sold
 the remaining shares of Landmark stock we had in three separate sales
 (February, August, and December).  The total from the stock sales was
 $393,937.26 and our basis, or the amount we paid for the stock, was
 about $2,000.  That means it was almost all profit and therefore almost
 all taxable.  We had faithfully paid our tithing by transferring, about
 $50,000 worth of stock to the church over the same time-frame.  $100,000
 was put into a retirement fund.  $75,000 was loaned to Walden 3-D, which
 came back to the family as salary and helped pay for the trips to
 Grandpa's funeral, and to see Paul off (Walden still has some debt
 associated with those trips).  The rest of the money went into paying
 off family credit cards bills, helping with replacing three cars, and
 also became the financial basis for the divorce.  I had understood we
 would owe no taxes on the sales because of HyperMedia, etc.  However,
 Thursday I learned I have a $103,000 tax bill this year.  The reason is
 I have no significant basis (cash investment nor profits) in the
 HyperMedia stock I own.  We had transferred Landmark stock (which we had
 a 5 cent basis in) to HyperMedia in exchange for HyperMedia stock to pay
 off the $500,000 line of credit and keep the company from going bankrupt. 
 So this tax news was the latest result of trying to walk the line between
 integrity and pride.  I hope you all can understand why your Mom is very
 upset with me this weekend.  I hope none of you make a mistake like this.

 Saturday we received a letter from some friends we were very close to in
 Dallas.  I Home Taught Julia when she was baptized.  Ken Yano was my
 First Counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency in the Dallas First Ward.
 He is of Japanese family origin and was afraid to ask Julia out.  I 
 encouraged him.  They live in Spring and we got our families together at
 least once while all of you kids were home.  The letter reads:

  `Dear Friends of the Yano Family:

   We wish that this letter could contain joyous and light-hearted news of
   our family that would bring you all up to date with our lives.  This is
   our wish, but, unfortunately, not our reality.

   It is with unbearable sadness that we must relate the news to you of the
   death of our precious daughter Katie.  We know that this will cause you
   grief as it has us, and for that we are truly sorry.

   Briefly, Katie was involved in an accident where she fell from the hood 
   of a slowly moving vehicle.  She sustained injuries to her head that 
   could not be repaired or reversed.  Her death followed one week later on
   February 26th, and Katie was laid to rest at the Klein Mausoleum in
   Spring, Texas.

   We appreciate your sympathies and know that you share in our loss.  We
   have decided, as a family, to honor Katie's many achievements in life
   rather than focusing on her death.  We have established the Katie Yano
   Memorial Scholarship Fund at Klein High School.  This fund will provide
   scholarships for outstanding choir and orchestra students like Katie.

   If you feel that you would like to make a donation to Katie's Scholarship
   fund, you may do so by contacting any Klein Bank.

   Sincerely, Ken, Julia, Sheri, Geoffrey, Stephanie, and Jordan.'

 Then there was a picture and a second page:

  `HIGHLIGHTS IN THE LIFE OF KATIE YANO

   Born:       * September 13, 1980 in Houston, Texas
   4th Grade   * Member of the Odyssey to the Mind Transformations Team
   5th Grade   * Member of the Eliminators, 1st Place Spring-Klein Girls'
                 Softball League
   6th Grade   * All A Honor Roll
               * Member of the Eliminators, 1st Place Spring-Klein Girls'
                 Softball League
   7th Grade   * All Region Orchestra
               * All Region Choir
               * All A Honor Roll
   8th Grade   * All Region Orchestra
               * All Region Choir
               * All A Honor Roll
               * Concertmistress of the Doerre Intermediate School 
                 Chamber Orchestra
               * Recipient, LDS Young Woman of Truth Award
               * Featured Soloist with the Sam Houston State University
                 Orchestra
   9th Grade   * All Region Orchestra
               * AB Honor Roll
               * Principal, Second Violin Section, Klein High School 
                 Chamber Orchestra
               * Member "Crazy for You" Pit Orchestra
               * Featured Soloist - Klein School District Honor Orchestra
               * Outstanding Soloist at Solor & Ensemble
               * Second Place Winner, Alice Flores-Smith Sonata Competition
   10th Grade  * All Region Orchestra
               * AB Honor Roll
               * Third Chair, 1st Violin Section, Klein High School Chamber
                 Orchestra
               * Member "Damn Yankees" Pit Orchestra
               * Recipient, LDS Young Woman of Promise Award

             THE KATIE YANO
        MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND
              C/O Klein Bank
              Attention: Ms Lynell Brooks
              17046 Stuebner-Airline
              Klein, TX 77379'
 
 I am pretty calm about the tax issue.  My grief concerning Katie's death
 flows from my eyes as I write this.  Perspective.  Not from a fear of my
 death, but for seeing such a special life cut so short.  What wonderful
 blessings we have to be alive, healthy, and living in such a wonderful
 and exciting time.  There will still be grief, and yet, as we heard at
 General Conference this weekend, calm and peace will accompany us through
 times of trial when we have faith and trust in our Savior.  I know this
 is true, even though we all still face taxes and death."

#770, 07Apr97, Placate and Blame.
"I love you because you were on my mind at PAIRS.  Dr. Nancy
 White is a real hoot.  It is probably best that you not get
 to know someone who is as self-confident, independent, and
 self-actualizingly selfish as she is.  She has had two
 husbands die, and her third husband, Leonard, helps with the
 courses.  He does not like her traipsing off to sail up the
 Amazon or to climb Machu Pauchu while leaving him to mind
 the shop.  He resents her spitting her cherry pits in the
 bag with the other cherry pits instead of out the window. 
 But he accepts her as she is because he loves her.  I see you
 in Dr. White, and the independence scares me because it can
 be so obviously dangerous.  But then maybe the one real reason
 I remain so strongly attracted to you is I remember the future
 and see a time when you are not depressed, and are living life
 to it's fullest as an independent firefly scattering light on
 the flowers on the path of life, always interdependent with our
 children and hopefully with me. 

 In the meantime, we are stuck in a rut of placation and blaming. 
 We also distract and are 'super-reasonable.'  Nancy's lecture
 Monday night was about these four characteristics of broken
 communication.  The issue is that everyone tends to have a
 preferred style they go into when they are really hurting
 emotionally.  I tend to placate, basically feeling sorry for
 myself and acting like the victim.  Victims blame, of course,
 and I recognize this is what you feel I do all of the time. 
 However, it seems to me you are so busy blaming me for all of
 the problems in your life you can not reasonable evaluate my
 interactions with you.  I recognize maybe you are right and my
 view of our rolls is reversed from reality.  Nancy's comments
 came directly from the book 'The New People Making' by Virginia
 Satir, which you pointed out we already had.  It is really
 interesting and worthwhile the way she shows how we need all
 four characteristics, but leveled, and how when one gets out of
 proportion with regards to the others it is very damaging to
 relationships.   I am going to PAIRS and I am working on
 leveling my emotional communication styles because I love you."

#771, 08Apr97, Whirlpool.
"I love you because without you Roice and I could not have
 had the wonderful dinner and discussion we had on Tuesday. 
 Roice had an interview trip to Dallas scheduled for Thursday
 and so we had dinner at Jalapeno Harry's after work Tuesday
 night before his evening class.  As an aside, why is it both
 Roice and Ben like Mexican food so much?  

I have been pursuing a wild idea from a new friend named
 David Dennard who is living in the San Francisco area.  He
 contacted the "Associates' of Project Mind, I was interested
 in his comments about a new source of energy, and responded. 
 His source of energy is to change the way hydroelectric dam's
 generate electricity by creating a whirlpool (the liquid
 version of a tornado) and capturing the additional energy
 associated with  horizontal water moving around a 'sink' as
 it drops into a whirlpool.  The idea is quite intriguing to
 me, but also something that will take some time and dollars
 to prove if it is viable or not.  I have been talking to Roice
 about doing the math and figuring out the differential energy
 which can be captured in a whirlpool relative to the Potential
 Energy associated with dropping water down an elevation and
 having this Kinetic Energy provide a basis for turning electric
 generators.  There were several e-mail's Roice hadn't seen, and
 whirlpools were the topic of our dinner discussion.   It was
 really fun for me, and I think Roice enjoyed it also.  

 We also talked about life, trials and tribulations, Grandpa
 Nelson's failures and successes, and my belief in the eternal
 nature of the soul.  Somehow during this part of the
 conversation, I was talking about how there is nothing to be
 afraid of in death and how it is just a transition, like puberty. 
 I sang the  third verse to 'Come, Come, Ye Saints' as we left
 the restaurant to make my point at this stage of the conversation:

   'And should we die, before our journey's through,
    Happy day, All is well!
    We then are free, from toil and sorrow too,
    With the just we shall dwell.
    But if our lives are spared again,
    To see the saints their rest obtain,
    Oh how we'll make this chorus swell,
    All is well!  All is well!'

 Roice turned to me and said, 'Dad, if I die in on the
 motorcycle racetrack, please have that song sung at my
 funeral.'  I was surprised by the comment, but glad to
 know my son could talk to me about real fears.  I know
 I don't capture the emotions and the feelings well in
 words, but I thoroughly enjoyed the evening and was very
 touched by several things which were said.  Thanks, more
 than I can say in words or actions, for being the Mom and
 making it possible for me to enjoy an evening like this
 one was.  I love you."

#772, 09Apr97, Fair.
"I love you because as we talked about my solution to paying
 the taxes you said 'I don't think what you are doing is fair.' 
 To put it in writing what I said to you, the tax issue was
 because of a misunderstanding regarding basis in HyperMedia
 Stock, and since I am keeping the assets and liabilities
 associated with HyperMedia and Walden 3-D, it is only fair
 that includes a $60,000+ tax liability associated with
 HyperMedia.  I don't remember how it came up in our brief
 discussion about the taxes, but I was surprised by the intensity
 of your statement 'I don't want your money!'  Part of my
 emotional wounding is my mother's perception that if she had
 enough money she would be happy, and therefore I have always
 tried to provide you with enough money.   Your question begs
 another question, which is more important to me because the
 question implies hope other than divorce.  The question is
 'What do you want from me?'  Whatever it is you want from me,
 if it is anywhere within my ability to give you, and if you
 tell me so I can understand what it is, I will give it to you
 because I want to give you what you want and because I love
 you.  I believe deep down you want something other than a
 divorce.  But if the only thing you want is to be divorced
 from me, you will get it.  However, I am not willing to stop
 loving you, and I am not willing to stop attempting to show
 and tell you I love you."

#773, 10Apr97, Haircuts.
"I love you because you have been the only person to give
 me haircuts since we got married until Thursday night. 
 We had important presentations to Logoven management. 
 Logoven is one of the Venezuelan oil companies whose data
 I have been working on at the Bureau of Economic Geology. 
  Many of the presentations were done using HyperEdge.  It
 is really exciting to me how important HyperEdge has
 become in preparing and presenting our interpretation
 results.  I am sure these technical issues were all the
 visitors were interested in, but I felt my hair had gotten
 too long and after the first day of presentations went to
 'Sports Cuts.'  I had been thinking about it for some time
 and decided to stop putting the haircut pressure on you
 and go get my hair cut by someone else.  The young girl
 that cut it was a little older than Melanie.  She was very
 nice, tried to make conversation, massaged my head, gave me
 a free shampoo after cutting my hair, and seemed to do a
 much better job than Giles Boulander in Cedar City ever did. 
 However, her haircut was nothing compared to the sacrifice
 you have made in cutting my hair and our boy's hair over
 the years, especially since you often really didn't want to
 do it.  From a financial side, I figure you saved our family
 in excess of $15,000 over the years (23 years x 12 times per
 year x $15 per haircut x 1.0 for me x 0.9 for Roice x 0.8
 for Ben x 0.7 for Paul x 0.5 for Rob).  However, it was never
 the money, the quality of the haircut, the attitude, or the
 tools.  It was your willingness to provide the service.  I
 cried as she cut my hair, and I am sure if she noticed she
 considered me a real dork.  Thanks for providing me with
 haircuts over the last 24 years.  I appreciate your effort
 over this long time period and I really do love you."

#774, 11Apr97, Rob's Telephone Calls.
"I love you because you were so tolerant about Rob's repeated
 telephone calls about Dad making him clean up the mess in
 the living room and the kitchen.  I am really trying hard to
 use all of the communication tools and procedures I have been
 exposed to in recent classes and books I have read, but it is
 still really hard for me to interact with teenagers.  The
 selfishness, lack of respect for me as a parent, and
 unwillingness to listen are really hard for me.  I don't
 really have any idea what you said to him, but it was nice
 you didn't come and pick him up and help him follow the
 family pattern of running away from problems.  I know you
 want our children to have a relationship with me and I thank
 you for your efforts to help this happen.  I love you."

#775, 12Apr97, Mulch.
"I love you because you said 'I loved it!' after describing
 how Rob kept calling you to tell you how I was making him
 help me spread three yards of mulch around the yard.  I
 realize it is a teenager's job to be self-centered and lazy. 
 However, I feel Rob takes this to an extreme relative to
 chores, cleaning up his own mess, and helping maintain the
 home and yard.  His whining and refusal to help do the
 simplest of things is a real big issue with me.  I was so
 glad to feel a little bit of support in attempting to teach
 him the value of working and the value of the work effort. 
 It scares me to death to see him sitting there on the couch
 and imagining him in 30 or 40 years.  Anyway, all I can do
 is attempt to teach him concepts I had drilled into me in
 my youth, which have helped me overcome my own ADD as well
 as I have.  Thank you for supporting me in getting him (and
 Loren) to help me spread the mulch around the yard. 
 I love you."

#776, 13Apr97, Part of Me.
"I love you because you are so naive and so trusting.  I can
 not believe you really believe Sara was too sick to go to
 church.  She was absolutely fine at the house with her
 friends on Saturday evening.  I do not understand why she
 is so insistent on making excuses about going to church, but
 I anticipate it is because of the pending divorce, because
 she feels bad about something she has done, because she has
 got cross-ways with some kids at church, or because her
 friends are saying bad stuff about the 'cult' they do not
 know.  The best way to handle all four possibilities is for
 her to go and I hope you will be stronger in encouraging her
 to attend Sunday meetings, as well as Girl's Camp and youth
 activities and dances.

 I was touched by a couple of things you said to me as we
 talked about the taxes.  You said, 'Part of me says let you
 pay the taxes since you will be making millions of dollars. 
 Part of me does not want to leave (pregnant pause) being a
 jerk.'  You know how I grasp at the slimmest thread as a
 possibility you will change your mind, including a pause in
 a sentence about leaving.  I will continue to hope and pray,
 to use Melanie's words in a prayer she offered, you will
 soften your heart, and recognize the advantages of remarrying
 me and starting over,   The other thing that touched me was
 after I said I will stop going to church if that is what it
 takes to get you to stay.  Thanks for recognizing I should
 not have to do that in order for you to be able to stay, but
 please recognize I am absolutely serious that I am willing to
 do that if it is required to get our marriage back on track. 
 I am glad you realize the restored gospel of Christ is such
 an integral part of what makes me up.  I hope you realize I
 am eager to put the church and my involvement in it on the
 shelf if it is the main issue keeping you from reconsidering
 your divorce plans.  I am willing to do this because I can
 still keep the commandments and remain true to my beliefs
 without going to church, and because I love you."

#97.15, Coincidences.
"The news from Lake Woebegone is things are never as dark as they seem in
 our hour of trial.  Rob might disagree since he had the opportunity to
 help me move three yards of mulch around the yard yesterday, much to his
 chagrin.  Rob, I can't believe you actually slept until after 2:00 in the
 afternoon in an attempt to get out of helping.  Please remember how it
 wasn't as bad as you expected, especially when the ice cream truck came
 by and I let you and Loren buy $5.00 worth of `cool-me-offs.'  A lot of
 the time our chores and things someone else expects us to do, which we 
 don't really want to do, are only a problem in our mind.  In fact, the
 older I get the more I wonder about the extent and power in our mind.

 For Roice, quoting from the introduction to `The Holographic Universe'
 by Michael Talbot: `In his 1987 book entitled `Synchronicity: The Bridge
 Between Matter and Mind,' Dr. F. David Peat, a physicist at Queen's
 University in Canada, asserted that synchronicities (coincidences that
 are so unusual and so psychologically meaningful they don't seem to be
 the result of chance alone) can be explained by the holographic model. 
 Peat believes such coincidences are actually `flaws in the fabric of
 reality.'  They revel that our thought processes are much more
 intimately connected to the physical world than has been hitherto
 suspected.'  To me this says there really are answers to prayers,
 or as stated in stanza `I.19. Positive' in my book Prime Words:

                `We must take care in our requests
                 For we might get just what we ask
                 Whether foretelling doom and gloom
                 Or heavenly light in which to bask'.

 I find it interesting how the soft sciences are starting to derive such 
 elaborate theories to explain simple truths the prophets had taught
 for millennia.  The eastern cultures in India, China, and Japan have
 had insights about the power of our mind to transform physical reality
 for centuries.  There is a convergence of scientific, philosophical,
 and spiritual truths today that is very exciting.  On the other side
 of the same coin, this is very dangerous.  It is dangerous because
 individuals can believe man understands the mysteries of the universe
 to the degree they loose (or never find) their faith in the master
 watchmaker, the architect of molecules, DNA, and galaxies.

 Roice went to Dallas on an interview trip on Thursday.  He was eating
 at a McDonald's in Love Field when he looked up just as President
 Mike Pickerd (in our Stake Presidency and Roice and Ben's Bishop when
 they were in the Young Men's organization) looked up from the phone
 booth where he was making a call.  Roice was amazed about the
 coincidence of meeting Bishop Pickerd in a crowded and giant city
 like Dallas.  Roice, I am amazed you were amazed.  I pray for each of
 you kids and your Mom and me every day, and although I believe those
 prayers will be answered in time, sometimes it is nice to have the
 personal witness of seeing a particularly heartfelt prayer answered. 
 Note there is a big difference in the spirit bearing witness a prayer
 has been answered and in seeking a sign (which is left for a wicked
 and an adulterous generation).  It is so gratifying to recognize there
 are living angels among us, who being guided by the common spirit of
 our Lord and Savior are able to bear testimony by their presence and
 our knowledge of their goodness in ways that touch the heart.  Yes
 there are synchronicities and coincidences which can not be explained
 except by a tie between the mind and matter, or by the intervention
 of an intelligence outside of our experience.  My experience in 
 Corvallis, Oregon, when I first found my testimony there is a God, His
 Son Jesus lives, The Holy Ghost does bear witness, and they have called
 prophets in these days to give us guidance and help in optimizing our
 mortal probation, was a specific example of one of these synchronicities.

 It has been many years since I read my missionary journal, and several
 years since I have shared the story with you kids.  Roice, you have
 my missionary journal and you can check to see how well my memory 
 compares with what I wrote down in 1970.  My Mom wanted me to have
 the best start possible, and arranged for me to participate in National
 Science Foundation funded science institutes after my Junior and Senior
 year of High School.  I have already mentioned in this forum about
 going to New Mexico State University and meeting the man who discovered
 Pluto.  That was the summer of 1967.  The summer of 1968 I was one of
 about 24-27 kids accepted at a seven week Earth Sciences Institute at
 Oregon State University in Corvallis, Oregon.  I had fairly regularly
 flown from Cedar City to Salt Lake to have radiation therapy for the
 pimples/boils all over my face and back.  So it wasn't much different
 to get on the plane in Cedar to fly to Oregon.  However, as we left
 the Salt Lake Airport the plane started to shake like it was falling
 apart.  The pilot told us it was nothing to worry about, that it was
 probably just a rock lodged between the two front tires, but then when
 we started to land all of the fire trucks were out on the runway to
 follow us in.  It turned out it was just a rock.  However, I missed
 my connections and didn't get to Corvallis until about 2:00 in the
 morning.  Like Rob I didn't want to get out of bed the next morning,
 missed breakfast, and found myself on a bus heading for a field trip
 to a weather radar site in the mountains to the west.

 As we took off and as I started to wake up, I asked my seat companion
 his name.  He asked me mine.  I asked where he was from, and he said
 Westminster, Colorado.  He asked where I was from.  I said `Cedar City,
 Utah.'  He said, `Are you a Mormon?'  The rest of the trip to the
 mountain was answering his questions and feeling very uneasy.  When
 we left the weather station, I made sure I sat by someone new.  I asked
 him his name.  He asked me mine.  I asked where he was from, and he 
 said New York City.  He asked where I was from.  I said `Cedar City,
 Utah.'  He said, `Are you a Mormon?'  The rest of the trip back to
 Corvallis was spent answering his questions and feeling very uneasy.
 When we got back I slipped off by myself by the pine trees near our
 dorm and offered the first prayer I remember saying since praying for
 a bicycle several years before.  I left my grove of trees knowing 
 there is a God and He does answer prayers.  I found the two guys,
 we went to the library after dinner, I checked out a Book of Mormon,
 they checked out a Bible, and we didn't study meteorology during the
 evenings.  The discussions were intense, and as a seminary dropout
 and inactive Priest I didn't know many of the answers to their
 questions.  But I knew we would find the answers to their questions.

 The `coincidence' happened on Friday night.  There was a band playing,
 and since `The MydKnight Hour' (formerly The Keynotes) had just broke
 up at the end of our senior year I was interested in going to check
 them out.  Four of the group who had been studying the scriptures
 were interested in going to see if there were any good looking girls
 there.  So we walked downtown, went into an empty dance floor, 
 listened to a rendition of `In the Gatta De Vetta' (sp?), and decided
 to walk back to the dorm.  As we were crossing a street, Rich Schoboe,
 (sp?) held out his hands, stopped a passing car, a little red Mazda,
 walked around to the driver's side of the car, and asked if he would
 take the five of us to get a `root beer.'  He was receptive enough we
 all gathered around the car to try and talk him into this.  As we were
 talking a big yellow Chevrolet pulled up and started honking at us.
 The passenger, obviously drunk and later we found out a star of the
 OSU National Championship football team, jumped out and started
 yelling at us.  We scattered like fall leaves in a wind storm.  The
 driver of the Mazda listened to a few obscenities, then peeled out.

 However, he drove around the block, found us as we were gathering back
 together, and invited us to all get in.  As the root beer was being
 ordered he asked us to each tell him our names, where we were from,
 and what we were doing in Corvallis.  I was last.  I was sitting in
 the middle in the back, looking in his eyes in the rear view mirror
 when I said `I am Roice Nelson from Cedar City, Utah, and what is
 your name and where are you from?'  He looked at me and said, `I am
 Mike Cavender from a small town outside of Corvallis, but I just came
 back from two years in Australia.'  I said, `What were you doing in
 Australia?'  He said, `Yeh, you're right.'  When we got back to the
 dorm he asked if I wanted to go to church with him.  One of the guys
 was there and said `I'll go too, if you guys go to my church.'  That
 Sunday I went to the Lutheran Church with John and Mike, then we went
 to our church.  Over the next six weeks we had one discussion per
 week.  All but one or two of the summer students attended the fifth
 discussion, where questions about the plan of salvation were answered.
 As far as I know, I was the only one of this group to join the church
 that summer, and I had been baptized when I was about 10 years old.
 My testimony did not derive from the coincidence, but rather the
 synchronicity was a witness to me which has been, and I believe will
 continue to be, the spiritual iron rod of my life.  I, like Job, know
 that my redeemer lives, and after skin worms destroy this body, yet
 in my flesh shall I see God (Job 19:25-26).

 I realize, Roice, you might feel I am making a mountain out of a
 molehill, with you just happening to meet President Pickerd and then
 just mentioning it in passing when we talked on the phone Thursday
 evening.  My defense is that great things can proceed from small
 beginnings (Alma 37:7, 41; and D&C 64:33), fools mock but they shall
 mourn (Ether 12:26), we receive no witness until after the trial
 of our faith (Ether 12:6), and I needed something to write about 
 this week which I felt would be interesting to those who read these
 Thoughtlets.  And Rob, even though you dreaded helping with the
 mulch, it wasn't even partially as bad as you made it out to be in
 your mind.  And even though I was feeling pretty bad about $103,000
 tax liability last Sunday evening, when I got the reworked paperwork
 yesterday the accountants were able to get the number to about
 $80,000 and this is well within the $93,000 I was able to raise by
 selling off my retirement funds earlier in the week.  It even
 leaves me some money to put towards Katie's scholarship fund and
 a river trip family vacation, if any of you kids or your Mom are
 interested in joining me on this kind of adventure in early June."

#777, 14Apr97, Bartlesville.
"I love you because you were with me in the conversation with
 Cindy after she picked me up at the Tulsa Airport and drove
 me to Bartlesville early on Monday morning.  Cindy is one of
 Bowen Loftin's assistants at the VETL.  She is working on a
 PhD and runs the human factors research laboratory.  She is
 a pretty lady, but a blonde (I love a brunette).  

 I got her to talk about her research work.  It is interesting
 how they are quantifying how people react using different
 tools.  For instance, the army has them studying how to solve
 a hostage situation and quantifying how well people are able
 to accomplish the rescue goals given prior to the operation
 they have: (1) a verbal description of the situation;
 (2) floor plans and a verbal description; or (3) walked
 through the site in a virtual environment.  They run about
 500 college kids a year through the human factors laboratory
 and are quantifying how fast they accomplish things given
 different kinds of training.  The whole field is really
 interesting to me, and I can imagine applications as varied
 as putting high school kids in a virtual Globe Theater and
 letting them watch Shakespeare as it occurred in it's origins.  

 Cindy asked how I am doing.  My standard response these days
 is to say 'I feel challenged.'  Maybe because of her research
 work, she asked what I meant and I described the pending
 divorce.  She talked about her divorce and about how now that
 she looks back it wasn't really necessary and in some ways
 she wishes it would not have happened.  She is remarried, but
 didn't talk much about her new husband.  But her message was
 the same as I hear and read over and over and over.  There
 are better solutions to marriage problems than divorce. 
 Whatever. 

 I was asked to go to Bartlesville to represent the VETL at the
 100 year celebration of the discovery of oil in Oklahoma.  The
 VETL has built a one wall 'CAVE' that is 10 feet x 10 feet x 35
 feet in size.  It was fun to give demonstrations to the key
 managers at Phillips Petroleum.  It was especially fun to give
 a demonstration to Daniel Yergen, who wrote the Prize.  He was
 obviously very impressed with the technology.  Our host, who
 actually paid for the flight to Tulsa, was Oracle Energy, the
 data base company.  They were ecstatic with the results, and
 have several things in mind relative to using the technologies
 I have been working on over the last several years.  Tom Stewart
 is the Oil Industry Technical Manager.  He really got excited as
 I explained the relationship between HyperEdge, the VETL, Bill
 Bavinger's work with the infinite grid and the CIE color model,
 Agile Virtual Teams, the Knowledge Backbone, etc.  They want me
 to go to Saudi Arabia with them, and have several other projects
 pending.  

 I wish the stuff that excites me was interesting to you. 
 Oh well!  I wish you would share the stuff that is interesting
 to you with me so I could get interested in it.  Oh well!  I
 guess these are two more reasons why you have given up on me
 and on you ever being able to be happy together.  I am
 convinced that someday you will realize we can be happier
 together than alone.  I also expect that someday I will quit
 hiding in my work and realize what I should have been doing
 to build a relationship with you.  I missed PAIRS because I
 was in Bartlesville.  I thought all the way home about how
 many things I have missed with you because I have let myself
 be so buried in my work, travel, or not being in control of
 my emotions.  I am doing better on each of these fronts, and
 I will continue to improve, whether or not you are ever
 willing to give me another chance.  Why do I continue to make
 the effort?  I'm sure you can pass it off to stubbornness,
 fear of being alone, fear of looking bad to church friends,
 duty, following my Dad's example, or some other negative and
 blaming reason.  But actually my ongoing efforts are simply
 because I love you."

#778, 15Apr97, Briarwood.
"I love you because you are also worried about Robert and
 want him to be in a safe place for High School.  I was very
 impressed with the two administrators I met with at Briarwood. 
 The things they told me about Briarwood fit nicely with what
 Rob needs.  The only thing I have been able to think of that
 would be better would be for me to hire you (at the same or
 an increase from what you get from A.I.S.D.) and have you
 home school Rob.  It would be very hard to be around him all
 day, but I think time and love and attention are the things
 he needs the most right now.  I have told the Bureau I am
 only willing to work two days a week in Austin, and I intend
 to strive to spend as much time as possible with Rob and Sara,
 at least over that portion of the summer I have an opportunity
 to do so.  Rob has told Melanie, who told me, he does not want
 to go to Briarwood.  I am encouraging him to reconsider and
 will continue to do that on the rafting trip, and other times
 when we are doing things together.  In the meantime, thanks
 for worrying about him, thinking through what needs to be done
 to best help him, and thanks for being his Mom.  It is
 important to him, it is important to me, and I love you.

 Sometimes opportunities to help come in the most unusual ways. 
 I had made one of my cutting defensive remarks to you, you left
 the house with Sara mad, went to the store, she wouldn't make
 up her mind on her friend's birthday present, and so you left
 the store and brought her home.  It really got her upset and
 her nose started to bleed.  She was suppose to be inducted into
 the National Honor's Society and she could not get her nose to
 stop bleeding.  At first she wanted nothing to do with me. 
 Then she came downstairs crying because she needed to be at
 the school and she could not get her nose to stop bleeding. 
 I put a cold towel on her face, put a cold wet paper towel
 under her upper lip, got her to lay down on her back and relax,
 tried to get her to calm down, etc.  I asked her if she would
 like a blessing.  She said yes.  I blessed her that her nose
 would stop bleeding and she would be able to make her meeting. 
 She asked me to go to the school and talk to her teacher.  I
 did and when I got home she was ready for me to take her back. 
 It was a really special experience for me.  I will always do
 my best to be reachable and available to assist the kids and
 you because I love them and because I love you."

#779, 16Apr97, Co-Dependent Reactions.
"I love you because you pointed out to me how our conversation
 blow-up Tuesday evening was based on co-dependent reactions. 
 I am sorry for my part in the pattern.  I am striving with
 everything I have and in everyway I can to learn new patterns
 of behavior.  It does seem each of our miscommunications are
 somehow labeled as being 'my fault' by you, by me, or by the
 circumstances.  I hope and I believe we can and will someday
 get past this way of thinking and interacting.  I hope it is
 someday soon, and yet I will be satisfied if it just happens
 someday, because I love you."

#780, 17Apr97, Seek and Sought.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I read the cartoon
 book 'The Two Step - A Dance To Intimacy.'  This short book
 captures so well our relationship.  I am sure it also
 captures other people's relationships.  In other words, that
 little cartoon book has a lot of truth in it.  Seek and sought. 
 Everyone does one or the other of these things.  One
 characteristic becomes dominant.  It is obvious for the last
 several years I have been focused on seeking an intimate
 relationship with you.  You have felt smothered, and the more
 I seek the more you run away to get emotional air.  I am
 starting to understand how natural of a phenomena this is.  

 The first night of PAIRS Nancy (Dr. White) had us divide into
 twos with someone we didn't know.  It was interesting how
 this exercise showed us whether we were seeking someone,
 being the aggressor, or being sought, being passive.  I was
 so glad when someone selected me and I did not need to select
 anyone.  He is from South Africa and over the last few weeks
 we have become pretty good friends.  The friendship started
 because he picked me.  I was so relieved.  I am so tired of
 chasing, I want to go back to when we were dating and you
 were chasing me.  

 I was fascinated with how the cartoons summarized my seeking
 and finding the same kind of people over and over and over
 again.  Rich Holtry, Fred Hilterman, Bob Limbaugh, Gene Ennis,
 Bill Rollwitz, etc.  They each have similar characteristics
 and in each case let me down in some way.  I sought them out. 
 When the going got hard they disappeared.  The cartoons show
 the seeker climbing the mountain after mountain, only to have
 the sought fly away everytime you get too close.  The summary
 conclusions of the book were simple and yet I found them
 quite startling.  Since I don't think you have had a chance
 to see the book, the summary was simply that in order to keep
 intimacy alive we have to take turns seeking and being sought
 with those we want to be intimate with.  What a concept.  

 I realize sending these Lovelets is a seeking activity.  I
 further realize I have been seeking too much and too hard. 
 I must let go.  I believe over the last few weeks and months
 I have been able to let go some.  I still have a long way to
 go.  I still want to keep writing and sending you Lovelets. 
 I have not forwarded any of my Lovelets to you since the
 second of April.  Once the divorce is finalized I will stop
 forwarding them at all, and will just post them at my web site. 
 If you read this it is because it is before the divorce has
 been granted and because something triggered me to catch you
 up with my thoughts.  I see these Lovelets as a kind of diary
 for our children, and intend to give them copies when they are
 say 30 years old with the hope it can be of some use to them. 
 I want our children to know how much I love you."

#781, 18Apr97, Bill Resley.
"I love you because you are part of the conversation with
 each of my friends.  People always ask 'How are you?'  I
 typically answer 'Challenged,' at least that is how I have
 been answering since the tax hit.  It seems like there
 have been and are a lot of changes going on  in our lives. 
 Divorce, Roice graduating from college, Ben getting married,
 Paul going on a mission, Melanie graduating from High School,
 Sara and Rob becoming teenagers, putting Mom in a rest home,
 the tax problem, etc., etc., etc.  

 One of my friends I do not believe you have ever met is Bill
 Resley.  Bill worked at Mobil after I left.  I don't remember
 meeting him there.  Tom Hurst, who was one of the guys I was
 asked to talk to, back in 1974, about my 'Interactive 3-D
 Interpretation Workstation' ideas, called me up in about 1988
 and said Bill was looking for a new job and wondered if I
 could help him get a job at Landmark in London.  I made some
 calls, and Bill became the head of customer support for Europe,
 Africa, Middle-East operations.  He was there about 6 years,
 then he started his own training company in London called
 'Quartz Systems.'  Bill was a good friend of Sean McQuaid and
 whenever I visited London the three of us would get together. 
 Anyway, he came back to Houston the end of last year, and over
 the last few months he has taken over the Knowledge Backbone
 ideas which Keith Rawlinson, Susan Helgeson, Blaine Taylor,
 Charlie Rego, Sam LeRoy and other's had been working up under
 HyperMedia.  Bill has done a good job of packaging these ideas,
 and it looks like he has almost defined a real business.  When
 Covey called back and wanted information about how they could
 use the Knowledge Backbone concepts Bill was ready.  It is
 very exciting to see someone get excited about years of work
 that other's, specifically the oil and gas marketplace, do
 not see the value of.  Bill Resley sees the value and he is
 willing to make the effort and take the risk to see the idea's
 implemented.  

 Possibly more important to me, right now, he cares.  He asks how
 you are doing, he asks how I am doing, he asks about the kids,
 and he just plane cares.  He was very excited about the Covey
 opportunity, and when I called and told him  we were going to
 be going to Utah, it was easy to imagine his grin across the
 phone.  I have a lot of friends like Bill who care and worry
 about me.  It is nice to know that other's care.  I wish you
 had this same kind of support group because I love you."

#782, 19Apr97, Energy Innovations Picnic.
"I love you because you want good experiences for our kids. 
 I was disappointed no one was available or wanted to go to
 the Energy Innovations Picnic with me bad enough to
 rearrange there schedules.  But I went anyway and had a
 good time.  I enjoy seismic acquisition field people.  I
 enjoy talking about the 'good old days.'  

 There was a guy there who used to work for Mobil and we got
 talking about mutual acquaintances.  I mentioned that Alex
 Massad, former President of Mobil Oil had been on
 HyperMedia's Board of Directors for several years.  He
 proceeded to tell me about a project he did in Indonesia. 
 Mobil, under Bob Graves, had shot a couple of seismic
 surveys and had located some wells and all of the navigation
 was wrong.  This guy had been put in charge of a special
 team to figure out what happened, and they were able to
 solve a pretty hard problem.  One day he was interviewing
 a guy and Massad and Bob Graves walked into his office.  
 Alex turned to Bob Graves and asked him if he knew why they
 were there.  Bob said to give this guys team an award and a
 bonus because they had saved Mobil millions of dollars. 
 Massad said 'No, were here because you screwed up, and this
 team fixed your problem.'  This was in the days when Alex
 got on the cover of Fortune Magazine for being the toughest
 manager in America.  

 It is lonely doing things alone.  Reminds me of my youth on
 the farm.  However, I had fun then, and I will have fun now. 
 There will be opportunities to be around friends and tell
 stories, like at the Energy Innovations Picnic.  And even
 though you don't want to be around me, to let me hug you,
 or to do things with me, I can still love you."

#783, 20Apr97, Sara's Helmet and Shirt.
"I love you because you, like me, ran to Sara's assistance. 
 When she called and said she forgot her helmet and you were
 not answering your phone (you probably weren't there), it
 only seemed logical for me to take her helmet down to The
 University of Houston.  Her dance instructor was cute when
 she came out to the car to get the helmet.  She said, 'Sara
 owes you big time.  Don't worry, she will learn
 responsibility soon.'  It was only after church that I
 learned from Rob she also forgot her shirt, called you, and
 you took it down to her, got lost in the construction, and
 didn't make it.  Oh well.  I wish there were an easier way
 to learn responsibility than to live, but there are always
 good lessons to learn from whatever experience we find
 ourselves in.  Thanks for loving our children and striving
 to minimize their trials.  I appreciate it, and I love you."

#97.16, Repent.
"It was a good week for me.  Hope it was for each of you.  I was very
 touched by Cousin Di's almost immediate Responselet on my screen early
 Monday morning: (http://www.walden3d.com/hrnmen/9715a.html).  Monday was
 spent in Bartlesville, where the Virtual Environment Technology Laboratory
 had set up a 1 wall 3-D display demonstration room for Oracle to support
 the celebration of 100 years since oil was discovered in Oklahoma.  
 Besides meeting Daniel Yurgen (author of `The Prize' about the history 
 of the oil and gas industry) and opening the door to doing consulting
 work with his firm, the contacts at Oracle are expressing some interest
 in purchasing HyperMedia technologies.  Wouldn't it be nice to get a 
 return on all of the investment and work put into HyperMedia?  Tuesday
 was spent talking to the administrators at Briarwood, where we hope
 Rob can start High School next year, and having more tests run on my
 shoulder (the one which was dislocated at Christmas and continues to
 cause me problems at the workstation, typing, writing, and sleeping).
 According to the test interpretation, it looks like it is just a 
 stretched nerve, and there is a pretty good probability my arm will
 stop hurting and function normally. 

 There were some challenges.  Like Tuesday night I came home to Sara
 with a bloody nose which wouldn't stop bleeding and she was suppose to
 be to the National Honor's Society Induction at Taylor High School in
 10 minutes.  But even this turned out to be a nice experience.  I asked
 her if she would like a blessing and she said yes.  Afterwards she
 asked me to go to the school and talk to her teacher.  By the time I
 got back her nose stopped bleeding, she was ready, and I took her 
 to the school on my way to Stake Missionary splits.

 Work in Austin went well on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  We are
 doing some very detailed sequence stratigraphy interpretation, and it is
 a very complicated puzzle.  We are using HyperMedia's HyperEdge to
 document the results and make figures for the report.  Corpoven was very
 impressed in our presentations the previous Thursday and Friday.  I had
 a nice dinner with Roice on Wednesday night at Bennigan's.  Spent a
 couple of hours Thursday night on the phone finalizing two days
 consulting at The Covey Leadership Center in Provo the end of this next
 week.  They are quite interested in some of the methodologies and
 technologies we developed at HyperMedia.  Friday I had a nice Mexican
 dinner (surprise, surprise) with Ben and Sarah.  I brought Roice and Ben's
 paintings back to Houston and gave them to Ken Turner on Saturday for
 his Art Show at the Columbus Art Center which starts on Friday the 2nd
 of May (http://www.walden3d.com/w3d/prime_words/paintings/paintings.html).
 Saturday Energy Innovations had a nice company picnic at Memorial Park.
 I spent some time with Bill Bavinger reviewing a test we are doing on
 the visualization of production.  Saturday evening was spent helping
 Ken Turner and Reggie Leathers finalize Ken's new web pages
 (http://www.walden3d.com/hgol).  

 I also read a chapter in a book by LDS Counselors on marriage.  The theme
 of this chapter is what I have chosen to write about this evening.  I
 will be quoting liberally from C. Richard Chidester from the University
 of Utah Institute of Religion (noting scriptures he quoted).  Once again,
 it struck home with me all I have done to contribute to the pain our
 family is going through now.  I took very personally his quoting the
 scriptural admonition to `Say nothing but repentance to this generation'
 (D&C 6:9).  When I read how Samuel the Lamanite promised `Faith and
 repentance bringeth a change of heart' (Helamen 15:7) there were feelings
 of hope and like it is time to get after life again and to stop feeling
 so down.  The chapter pointed out how we always have two choices:
   (1) to acknowledge our wrongdoing and repent; or
   (2) to blame others for our circumstances. 
 I made a list of things I have and have need to acknowledge and repent of,
 which were discussed in the chapter:
   
   accusing
   alienation
   anger
   arguing
   blaming
   bossing
   bullying
   condemning
   contention
   controlling
   critical
   deceitfulness
   defensive
   emotional abuse
   finding fault
   humiliation
   hypocritical actions
   intimidation
   judging
   manipulation
   nagging
   neglect
   offending
   over-reacting
   power struggles
   provoking
   resisting the spirit
   retaliation
   self-deception
   self-pity
   self-righteousness
   self-serving
   self-will
   spiritual pride: reliance on self, and selfishness
   swearing
   threatening identity, independence, and agency of others
   treating others as objects
   unbending
   worldly pride: arrogance, haughtiness, and self conceit

 The positive side of this list is I know how much better of a person I am
 than I was a year ago.  I also know I was not a terrible person a year ago.
 But as I read I recognized how we all have a need to constantly reevaluate,
 to re-repent, `and become as a little child' (3 Nephi 11:38) full of
 persistence, forgiveness, unconditional love, trust, striving to please,
 imitating, and with no desire for wealth, nor social aspirations nor
 ambitions.  Repentance is a spiritual solution when we find we are not
 walking in the light, but in darkness, and following the devil, `who is
 the father of contention' (3 Nephi 11:29).  Nephi explained that `the
 guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very
 center' (1 Nephi 16:2), but `the righteous fear not [the words of truth],
 for they love truth and are not shaken' (2 Nephi 9:40).  I heard again
 what you kids and your Mom have been telling me for years, namely a need
 for a change of heart, refusing to take or give offense.  A need to be
 `submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love' (Mosiah 3:19), to
 recognize truth  makes us free from guilt, anxiety, and bondage, and to
 seek the fruits of the spirit; namely `love, joy, peace, longsuffering,
 gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance' (Galations 5:22-23).

 Dr. Chidester quoted C.S. Lewis: `Repentance is no fun at all.  It is
 something much harder than merely eating humble pie.  It means unlearning
 all of the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves
 into for thousands of years.  It means killing part of yourself,
 undergoing a kind of death.  In fact, it needs a good person to repent. 
 And here comes the catch.  Only a bad person needs to repent: only a good
 person can repent perfectly.  The worse you are the more you need it and
 the less you can do it.  The only person who could do it perfectly would
 be a perfect person - and he would not need it.'  He also quoted President
 Ezra Taft Benson, `The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works
 from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  
 Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out 
 of the slums.  The world would mold men by changing their environment.
 Christ changes men, who then change their environment.  The world would
 shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.'

 A previous time I came so face to face with the need for repentance was
 when Big Roice (Krueger) and I stole some jello from Grandma Nelson.  I
 believe it was Cherry.  I'm pretty sure it was bright red.  Grandma did
 not have much money, and she was very careful in how everything was used. 
 When she asked us if we had seen some jello she was missing, we both said
 `No!'  She had us look at each other and stick out our tongues.  I am so
 slow, I didn't even realize we had been caught until we were walking away
 and Big Roice explained to me we were in trouble.  I guess I have always
 been a little bit slow in recognizing the need to repent.  Hope you kids
 do not suffer from the same malady.

 Sara had a dance competition today.  She forgot her helmet (they are
 soldiers in their dance), and I drove it down to her at The University of
 Houston.  One result was I didn't get to church until just after the
 sacrament was passed, and so I missed my weekly personal status review
 and recommitment to strive to do better (the sacrament).  As I thought
 about all of the good things that happened on the professional front this
 week, my mind kept going back to the chapter I read on repentance.  I want
 to say to you kids (and to the whole world, as far as there is any
 interest), I am sorry I have not been a better father.  I hope you
 remember the good things I have done, forgive me for my mistakes, and
 recognize how hard I do strive to recognize and to do what is best.  I
 will always do my very best to be here and to support and help you in
 whatever righteous activities you undertake.  I hope your upcoming week is
 as good as my past week was."

#784, 21Apr97, Jury Duty Release.
"I love you because you were on my mind as I was released from
 jury duty.  I feel like I am judged as being so judgmental I
 was going to try and use the time to think about judging and
 judgment.  However, I was very pleased to be released because
 I had an appointment with Dr. Oley about my shoulder, and
 because I was also taking some data and building displays on
 the Landmark workstations at I. I. & T.  I really felt
 relieved to not have to sit in judgment.  I really feel like
 I have been judged overly harshly.  At PAIRS on Monday evening
 they talked about abuse and judgment.  Dr. White described all
 of the women that come in and talk about how they are abused. 
 For instance one woman had got so upset at Valentine's Day
 because her husband had sent a bouquet of daisy's to her at the
 office and not roses.  She was absolutely convinced her husband
 was out to embarrass her.  Dr. White stressed that the way we
 choose to interpret the facts determines our lifestyle.  She
 talked about how we can go back and change our history, by going
 back and seeing it from another perspective.  She stressed how
 most of what we do was set up before we were 7 years old. 
 During her discussion I thought about how your mother's divorce,
 and related it to your plans.  I thought about your consistent
 feeling of being abused, and of all the 'daisy's' I have given
 you over the years to say I love you.  We really can choose to
 judge harshly or not.  I realize I must start and finish this
 judging process with me.  I am striving to not judge you, but
 to just learn the lessons I need to learn.  Why?  Because I
 choose, despite complete rejection, to love you."

#785, 22Apr97, Consulting Preparation.
"I love you because you are a motivation for me to close some
 deals and show you that all of my efforts are not just pipe
 dreams.  Bill Resley and I spent all day Tuesday preparing
 to go to Provo to consult with The Covey Leadership Center. 
 The Activity Model I built for them is really neat.  It
 reminded me of our conversation about creating an indexing
 schema for English Teachers.  I would love to have an
 opportunity to build a Knowledge Backbone for you and your
 colleagues.  The preparation work for Covey was not near as
 much as I would have liked to have done, but it sure paid
 off later in the week.  It showed me how quickly I could
 help you build an English Teacher's Teaching Process Manual.  

I wish it didn't take so long to close long term partnerships
 like with the Covey group, in order to be able to show you
 have valid and how valuable the ideas I have been pursuing
 the last several years are.  I keep thinking about how you
 pulled me over as we drove to Cedar City, after we had just
 passed the last stop light on Redwood Road in Salt Lake, to
 say how slow the way I had chosen to go was and about how
 it was 80 miles per hour from there on.  I keep thinking
 about Dr. White's comments about how the way we choose to
 interpret the facts determines our lifestyle.  I keep
 thinking about why I fell in love with you, why it became
 my idea to ask you to marry me, why I am so committed to our
 children and our marriage, why my efforts are perceived as
 being so detrimental, and why we are going through divorce
 proceedings.  I keep thinking about Satan, about my ego,
 about my strengthening belief that my colleagues and I are
 doing some things that will seriously weaken Satan's hold
 on humanity, and how it is only logical that if these
 premises are true he will do everything he can to distract
 me and keep me from accomplishing the work.  I keep thinking
 about how Satan knows how much I love you and how he will
 certainly strive to turn my love for you against me.  I keep
 thinking about judo and how when someone tries too hard the
 momentum of their efforts can be turned against them.  I
 keep thinking about my motivation to meet your security
 needs.  I keep thinking about how much I love you."

#786, 23Apr97, Grandma Hafen's Funniest Home Video.
"I love you because you were part of the conversation as I
 visited my mother and grandmother in St. George.  Grandma
 wasn't home when I went by her house.  She was out shopping
 for dinner for me for Saturday, and I changed my plans so I
 would be back for the PAIRS weekend workshop and wouldn't be
 there for dinner on Saturday.  So I went over to visit my
 mother in Porter's Nursing Home.  I was positive, and got Mom
 to be positive about the food, the cleanliness, and the
 kindness of the helpers.  However, it is a Nursing Home, and
 I would do almost anything to get her out of there.  It hurts
 so much to see where she has put herself.  There was a quite
 positive conversation.  She just said, 'I'm not responsible
 for your divorce!'  I responded, 'I know, and I never said
 you were.'  She said, 'Yes you did.'  I said, 'No, I said
 Marti feels like the way you and Dad lived was the saddest
 thing she ever saw in her life and she absolutely does not
 want to end up living like that.  Neither do I.  But I don't
 see that as being the cause of our divorce.'  Then there was
 nothing else said about it.  We went to a Chinese restaurant
 for lunch.  Mom really enjoyed that.  She likes to eat. 
 Then I took her back over to the Nursing Home.

 I left there and went to see Grandma.  She was home from
 shopping and we had a nice talk.  I helped her to put
 together some of the Family History Folders she has been
 working on so hard.  She is so excited about her Family
 History.  Thanks for helping her get the whole project
 started.  Then I took her over to see Mom.  They were cute
 with their sparing with each other.  Then Grandma came out
 with one of her stories that just blew me away.  She was
 constipated earlier in the week and could not get to sleep. 
 So she decided to give herself an enema.  She stripped down,
 got the tools, sat on the toilet, and reached down between
 her legs to insert the plastic tube.  She leaned too far
 forward and fell forward onto the floor, pushing the
 bathroom door shut.  She couldn't get up.  She was stuck
 there on the floor and didn't have the strength to lift
 herself up.  She started to get mad, tried to get up on
 one arm, had her boobs dangling down on the floor, and
 started to bawl.  Then she remembered she had been watching
 'America's Funniest Home Video's' just before going to bed,
 and said 'Damn It, where's a camera when you need one?' 
 Then she started to laugh among the tears.  The laughter
 helped her get the energy to get up on one arm and she was
 able to get up.  What a pair they are.  

 I love you because you have the same spirit of independence
 and doggedness my Grandma has and the same intelligence my
 Mother has.  Thanks for being the spice of my life.  I look
 forward to when you realize you can retain your independence,
 be smart, and still me married to me.  I look forward to the
 recognition of this insight because I love you."

#787, 24Apr97, Covey Leadership Center.
"I love you because you would have enjoyed being with me for
 parts of our visit to The Covey Leadership Center.  Bill
 Resley and I met at the Salt Lake Airport on Wednesday
 evening.  He was originally planning to stay over Friday
 night and spend Saturday morning at the Genealogy Library. 
 However when he found out I was flying back Friday night
 to be at PAIRS on Saturday morning he decided to come back
 with me.  So when I suggested we stop at the Genealogy
 Library on the way to Provo he was very pleased.  I
 introduced him, and left him for a couple of hours while
 I went to do a session at The Salt Lake Temple.  It was
 really nice.  As I left the temple and looked up at the
 lights I remembered Alex Stamper and you and I taking him
 to get ice cream.  I remember how he idolized us, wondered
 what he is doing now, if he remembers us, and what he would
 think of our current relationship.    Bill and I walked
 around Temple Square, listened to The Mormon Youth Symphony
 practice, and went to J.B.'s for dinner.  Then we drove to
 Provo and the Marriott Court Yard.

 The first day at Covey was really hard.  The folks we were
 working with did not get it.  We tried several ways to get
 the message across, and I left the first day feeling like
 we had struck out.  However, the second day the really got
 it, and it was really exciting to be in the same room with
 them.  Roice Krueger really was the catalyst that turned it
 around.  After a morning convocation he and I were talking
 when Bill and my host, John Paskett, walked up.  Roice
 turned to John and pointing to 100 just vacated chairs said
 'Do you know what the door says this room is?'  John said,
 'No.'  Roice said, 'Library!  The Covey Leadership Center
 is 12 years old and these empty chairs represent our library.
 We have done nothing to capture the knowledge gained over
 the last 12 years.  I can not tell you how important the
 project you are working on is to Covey's future!  Remember,
 as Covey merges with Franklin-Quest, we are also merging
 with the nine other companies Franklin has purchased over
 the last few years.  Your project provides a glue, an
 information map, for the entire merger.'  It was really
 exciting.  I wish you could have shared the excitement of
 our consulting work at The Covey Leadership Center with me,
 especially Friday, because I love you."

#788, 25Apr97, Abundance vs Scarcity.
"I love you because you were on my mind as Bill and I listened
 to a lecture by A. Roger Merrill to about 300 Covey
 consultants in a teleconference call all across the U.S. 
 His topic was 'The Governing Law of Business, Families, and
 Life.'  The room was full of human electricity.  It was a
 truly exciting experience.  Roger is the co-founder of The
 Covey Leadership Center.  His topic was about the attitudes
 and paradigms of abundance vs scarcity.  He stressed how an
 abundance attitude creates, are about what can I give, are
 mission driven, are based on faith, contribution, we,
 importance, and improvement.  Scarcity on the other hand
 consumes, is about what can I get, is task driven, is based
 on fear, competition, me, urgency, and escape.  The results
 of abundance thinking is life has meaning, a sense of hope,
 feeling valued, valuing differences, enhancement of talents
 and abilities, and being productive proactively.  The
 results of scarcity thinking are 'so what,' hopelessness,
 being unappreciated, threatened by diversity, feeling
 inadequate, being reactive, blaming and accusing.  I
 believe I think abundantly, but as I strive to heal my
 relationship with my mother (and women in general), I hope
 I can truly be the kind of leader for our children that
 creates abundance and is someone you can again be attracted
 to.  A major motivation is the simple fact I love you."

#789, 26Apr97, Vesuvius.
"I love you because you were not the exclusive topic on my mind
 as I went through the PAIRS workshop on Saturday.  It was an
 extremely intense experience for me.  The topic was learning
 to do The Fair Fight for Change.  Surely you should have been
 in the middle of my thoughts about this topic.  Dr. White
 showed a video of a couple of therapists in a workshop in
 Colorado who went through an anger ritual.  It was intense
 and reminded me of many times over the last few months and
 years and in my childhood when I felt at a complete loss and
 just laid on the floor crying and crying and crying after
 punching out a wall, a fence, or a tree.  She had Leonard,
 her husband and co-instructor, demonstrate an anger ritual
 called Vesuvius.  This blowing-up ritual, designed for the
 yelling, screaming, and name-calling stage of anger, is
 designed for letting off steam verbally about everything in
 general when we are feeling tired or frustrated or have been
 gunnysacking our emotions.  They have a rolled up mattress
 and a big fat red baseball bat and they Leonard hit the
 mattress and let out a big sound until he got his anger out.  

 After the video, Dr. White looked around the room, pointed
 to me out of the 30 people in the course, had me come to the
 center of the room and told me to start hitting the mattress. 
 Being the obedient child I did as instructed.  As I would
 bring the bat down on the mattress she would ask me questions
 and get me to talk about my emotions.  Some of the women in
 the class told me later I really scared them with the
 intensity of my blows and the anger I expressed.  I probably
 stayed out there for 30 minutes, and the things that came out
 included anger about divorce, but were mostly about my
 parents and my childhood.  It was an extremely cleansing
 experience, and it was obvious it really touched many who
 were there.  The whole experience stressed for me the
 importance of cleaning up my childhood derived angers if I
 ever expect anyone to be able to love me.  Sometimes life
 seems so hard.  Leonard forgot to turn on the video, or I
 would have got a copy to bring home and show the kids and
 you if you were interested.  I feel so held back by my
 emotional garbage.

 I have used the Vesuvius technique twice since that Saturday
 by taking a tennis racket and slamming it down on the
 mattress.  It is so much better than punching walls,
 screaming, crying, running to Barker Reservoir and lying
 on the dam sobbing uncontrollably because I am afraid or
 angry.  I wish I would have had many of the techniques we
 have been learning for the past 23 years of our marriage. 
 I didn't, but I am getting them now, and I hope to be able
 to use them to improve all my relationships, but
 specifically with our children and with you because I love you."

#790, 27Apr97, Bonded.
"I love you because you have been an important part of my
 conversation at PAIRS.  There is one woman there, Karen,
 who 'ran away from her marriage of 20 years, leaving her
 two daughters with her husband and just leaving.'  She
 had described how she left one of the first nights of
 PAIRS, and I thought it would be good for me to get to
 know her and see if I could understand what she was
 thinking, for obvious reasons.  

 It turned out on Sunday she came and sat next to me, and
 Dr. White had us do some exercises that resulted in us
 talking about some of our deepest feelings with each other. 
 There is a format you follow, filling in words behind the
 following phrases: I notice ..., I assume this means ...,
 I wonder ..., I suspect ..., I believe ..., I resent ...,
 I am puzzled by ..., I am hurt by ..., I regret ..., I am
 afraid of ..., I am frustrated by ..., I am happier when ...,
 I want ..., I expect ..., I appreciate ..., I realize ...,
 and I hope ... .  After each phrase your partner repeats
 back your words verbatim; i.e. You notice ..., etc.  I guess
 I treated Karen as if she were you and asked about her
 running away from her marriage.  She treated me as if I were
 here x-husband and asked me about things ranging up to
 homosexual tendencies.  It was a real experience.  

 Later, when we drew a picture together, of a house with a
 white picket fence, roses, trees, a broken down car, happy
 kids in the yard, pets, trees, and some other stuff that
 seemed on retrospect very much about my internal thoughts
 (even though I mostly just colored the picture), and had
 to stand in front of the group and describe our picture
 and our feelings, Karen said 'Roice and I have kind of
 bonded because I ran away from my family and his wife
 is leaving him and will make no effort to repair their
 marriage.'  

 There is another couple who I became friends with the
 first night.  She had an affair, and he was the third
 person out on the mattress.  As he hit the mattress he
 talked about Michael, about Michael calling the night
 before, about how giddy his wife had been, about how
 angry he was, and then he started talking about his
 father's mistress, his anger at his brother, and I
 started to deeply realize how intense I must have been
 as I talked about the meat packing plant, killing a
 steer in the meat packing plant that had been a calf
 I raised on a bottle, etc.  I was right with him.  Then
 Dr. White had his wife take the bat and beat the mattress. 
 As she talked about how angry she was with her husband, I
 could hear your feelings about me flowing through the room. 
 It was the first time I have really been able to sit back
 and see your side and feel so sorry for the anger you feel. 
 I hope over the coming months and years I can get out of my
 own fears, heal myself, and show you by my actions so you
 really know I understand you and you can begin to pull
 down your bunker and protection and realize how much and
 how deeply I love you."

#97.17, Shinobki.
"What a great week.  Monday I was suppose to have Federal Jury Duty, but
 it was postponed until the week of June 23rd.  I went back to Dr. Oley,
 and the prognosis for my shoulder and arm look pretty good, even if it
 still hurts.  Monday afternoon was spent at Interactive Interpretation
 and Training plotting the first maps of material flow through business
 systems for the State of Utah as derived from a CD Phone Directory (I
 didn't mention in my note about going to Utah to see Paul off to
 Novisibirsk [http://www.walden3d.com/1997/9710.html], but my friend Bill
 Bavinger has been doing some information mapping for Mike Leavitt, Utah's
 Governor.  I will talk about this more when the results are more complete
 and conclusive.)  Tuesday was spent getting ready to go out to Utah with
 Bill Resley (a friend from Mobil, Landmark, and who was later a
 consultant I worked with in London and now Houston).  We were paid a
 little bit to fly out to Provo to do some consulting for The Covey
 Leadership Center.  I flew to Las Vegas Tuesday evening, after going on
 Stake Missionary splits with the missionaries and teaching a young widow
 who is carrying her first child, then to St. George Wednesday morning. 

 I spent most of Wednesday with Mom, who is now at Porter's Nursing Home
 (126 West 200 North, #6).  Here attitude is remarkably good: `They have
 good food, it is extremely clean, and the attendants are very kind.' 
 She doesn't like the `noise during the night,' but she said she is going
 to be ok.  We went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant on Ancestor Square. 
 When we were in the restaurant I called Grandma Hafen on the cell phone
 and Mom talked to her for a while.  The meal was very nice.  Mom is very
 excited about going to the SUU Centennial celebration this Friday, where
 President Bush will be speaking, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will sing,
 and there will be a lot of other activities.

 After lunch I went over and visited Grandma Hafen.  She has been doing a
 wonderful job putting together copies of her personal history.  I have
 arranged with her to get a copy for each of you kids.  I think you will
 really enjoy it, if not now, certianly when you get to be my age.  She
 showed me the pictures and some of the stuff she has added.  For instance,
 when she was called to serve a mission, she really didn't want to go
 because she was dating Roy Lundgreen in Cedar City.  At the dinner table,
 `Pappa and Mamma Morris' were telling her she was going to go, and that
 she really needed to clean up her language a little bit.  She said she
 looked down at the table and said, `But I have to let a little `shit' out
 every once in a while.'  At which, Pappa Morris, whose mouth was full of
 dinner, laughed, sending food all over the table, said, `I certainly hope
 so my dear girl, I certianly hope so.'  Considering how conservative St.
 George is, Grandma Haven is a little worried about some of the stuff she
 has written.  But she stressed she is not a hypocrite, and I certainly
 can vouch for that.  She even let me help her put labels in some of the
 folders she is putting her history in.  After we talked a while, she 
 agreed to let me take her over to see Mom.  They had a great visit.  I'm
 not sure I will share all of her stories with you kids, but it was a
 real hoot to listen to the two of them.  She is glad to have Mom in town
 and would like to visit more often, but the cab is too expensive.  
 Katherine, if you have some time some day I think you would enjoy the 
 two of them a lot, and you can reach my Grandma at 673.2383.

 When Grandma and I were talking, it came up that she had given her set
 of missionary scriptures away.  So on the way back to her apartment we
 stopped and bought her a new set.  I dropped her off, drove up to the
 airport, turned in the car, hurried through security, and stood looking
 at the beautiful view towards the East across St. George towards
 `Grandma's mountain.'  On the other side of the black ridge and at the
 back of the Washington Field is a beautiful anticline with the spectrum
 of Southern Utah colors.  I called Grandma on the cell phone and she
 said the name of the mountain is Shinobki (she wasn't sure how to spell
 it).  It was the mountain the Indians used to send smoke signals up
 from.  It has Grandma's favorite colors, and looks like cloth that
 she would like to weave.  As I looked at the hill, listened to her joy
 in having a set of scriptures again and being able to look up things
 she had been thinking about, my heart was full and there were tears in
 my eyes.  I wish there was another way to provide the help my Mom needs
 now.  But it was nice to remember all Mom accomplished before the stroke
 12 years ago, how well she has been considering the seriousness of the
 stroke, how full Grandma Hafen's life has been, how despite the
 circumstances and the pain and anger that sometimes comes up how well
 they are both doing, how proud I am to be their descendent, and how much
 I love them both.  My feelings gave me hope for how you kids will see me. 

 When I got to Salt Lake, Bill was waiting for me.  Although he is not
 LDS, it turns out he is interested in genealogy.  So we went to the
 Genealogy Library and I left him for a couple of hours while I went
 next door to the Salt Lake Temple and was proxy for Bernhard Windisch,
 who was born in 1700, in an endowment session.  What a wonderful doctrine
 it is that we can help those who didn't have a chance to choose whether
 to accept the gospel in this life or not, by performing vicarious
 ordinances like baptism and the endowment for them!  Bill and I made a
 brief tour of temple square, had a quick meal at the J.B.'s on the corner
 of West and South Temple, and drove to Provo.  The first day it looked
 like we were not getting our message across about the importance of
 building a common language in order to build a company information
 infrastructure.  However, the second day, thanks largely to insights
 and a view of what we were trying to say which was passed on to our host
 by Roice Krueger, we got the message across.  The Covey Leadership Center
 is merging with the day-timer company, Franklin-Quest.  The information
 map of their operation we helped them start to build will empower all
 levels of their organization, provide a sense of ownership to everyone
 who uses the resulting internal Internet (Intranet), allow them to
 document best practices and truly implement dynamic continuous improvement,
 and make a significant difference to the way they do business.

 Maybe I am still just a farmer, but this visit was really exciting for
 Bill and I.  We have been working on these ideas for several years.  When
 the light goes on in someone else's head, and they see the value of a new
 idea, it is like seeing a seed sprout in a field of wheat.  As the Covey
 Leadership Center implements these ideas, it will naturally flow to 
 Franklin-Quest, and the 9 companies Franklin has purchased over the last
 few years.  We anticipate within a couple of years these techniques will
 be being passed on to all of the Covey-Franklin customers.  The
 implications for changing business are even more significant than having
 had an opportunity to participate in changing the way every oil and gas
 business in the world looks for oil and gas.  I am really not very excited
 about the obvious rewards that will accompany making this kind of a change,
 other than the fact it will allow me to fund some of my other ideas.
 But, in the same way the emotional child in me lives and reacts to all of
 the possible negative consequences a poor choice someone I love makes as
 if it had already happened, the positive side of my being was truly touched
 by what happened in Provo this week.  In my mind it was as if the tree had
 already grown and delivered a bounteous harvest of a most delicious new
 kind of fruit.  To top it off I got to see Roice Krueger for the first
 time since Dad's funeral, and Eric Krueger for the first time in a couple
 of years.  Welcome to this mailing list Eric.

 Then to end the week in the same upbeat manner, I spent all day Saturday
 and Sunday in a relationship workshop called `Pairs.'  It was the first
 time since Corvallis [http://www.walden3d.com/hrnmen/1997/9715.html] I
 remember doing something like this instead of attending church meetings. 
 You kids at home know I have gone to four of these classes over the last
 month or so, but this was the first of four weekend workshops associated
 with this 16 week course.  It is really good, and I recommend it to
 everyone.  In fact, I will probably provide you each with a ticket to
 attend one of these courses as a wedding gift.  I wish I would have known
 about it and taken it 14+ years ago, but hopefully you will each
 appreciate my continuing efforts to strive to improve relationships.
 I hope you all have a great week."

#791, 28Apr97, Roice's New Job at Advanced Structures 
"I love you because you have never complained about my loan to
 Mic Patterson and T.J.  Roice's new job at Advanced Structures
 Incorporated provides complete justification for the investment,
 at least in my mind.  I know you have felt like we would never
 have a return on that investment, like HyperMedia, Walden 3-D,
 etc.  However, knowing how much you believe in Roice, I expect
 you recognize it is only a matter of time before we are paid
 back the loan with interest.  I can not find words to say how
 proud I am of Roice.  Taking a job at 1/3 less salary than
 classmates that were not ranked as high as him is more than
 rare today.  The fact that he is mostly taking the job because
 he is excited about the work means that I have taught some useful
 things to my kids.  I know, over a reasonable time frame, he will
 be blessed a thousand fold for taking this attitude.  I hope you
 recognize the significance of this kind of commitment to self and
 employer.  I hope you recognize my insight in being the only
 funding agency for A.S.I.  I hope you are pleased it has resulted
 in employment for Roice.  I hope you realize how much I love our
 children and how much I love you."

#792, 29Apr97, Cockerell Scholar's Dinner.
"I love you because you provided us with such a wonderful and
 talented son.  It was a very special experience to be invited
 to attend the first Cockerell Scholar's Dinner with Roice. 
 There were about 120 scholars, which included several with
 four year scholarships.  Ernie Cockerell is a friend of Carolyn
 Sumners at the Planetarium.  He is about our age, but he
 inherited a percentage of Eugene Island 330, where Roger
 Anderson did all of his dynamic replenishment studies.  Their
 little oil company makes over a million dollars a day.  It was
 interesting to hear him talk, and to see how well he is carrying
 out his father's bequests relative to income from their oil and
 gas work.

 Roice and I sat at table 17 with other Mechanical Engineering
 Students and one professor.  I was the only parent at the table. 
 I got the professor to talk about his research interests, which
 all of the kids seemed to like.  It sparked a neat conversation. 
 Then I got talking about the book 'Deadly Feasts,' which I had
 just read and describes a significant health hazard for the next
 50 years.  This hazard is probably more dangerous than AIDS, and
 it comes from infected meat which carries a protein that
 crystallizes in the brain, causing other proteins to crystallize
 and starving the brain.  It is not based on DNA or RNA, but is a
crystallization process, and there is nothing which can attack it. 
 It is 100% fatal, was first discovered as a New Guinea disease
 related to cannibalism, and has most recently been tied to England's
 Mad Cow disease.  As I started to talk about it, one of the students
 said the dinner was coming.  I guess I kept talking, and Roice said
 'So you are going to keep talking about it, even if it is totally
 gross at meal time.'  I guess I am not very socially appropriate. 
 Maybe that is one of the reasons I continue to write you, to tell
 you how proud I am of our son, and to write how much I love you."

#793, 30Apr97, Tom Torrey.
"I love you because you are teaching me patience.  Sometimes
 the value of the various virtues comes to us in ways we least
 expect.

 I was working at the BEG on Wednesday and checked my e-mail
 to find Rhonda had just forwarded a phone message to call
 Tom Torrey at Texaco.  Tom was one of the first folks I
 trained on Landmark for Texaco New Orleans.  We became
 friends and so it was natural when HyperMedia was started
 up to make a trip to New Orleans to see if Texaco had any
 interest in this documentation technology.  Tom was
 interested, but the oil companies were all cutting back
 their IT (Information Technology) budgets and he never had
 the budget or time to pursue the idea.  About the same time
 we visited, which would have been about two or three years
 ago, he decided to make a career change, from IT back into
 interpretation.  When I called him up he said he has spent
 the time since we last talked as an interpreter and he is
 totally frustrated.  His division has about $1.5 billion in
 assets.  They do not know what they have, what the status
 is, how data bases relate to those assets, or how to get
 access to information and knowledge about the assets.  He
 has decided Texaco needs to form a new 'Knowledge Management'
 team, and he is preparing a proposal for management to form
 and head up that team.  Tom wanted to know the status of
 HyperEdge, because he sees this documentation technology as
 a key component of his strategy.  When I described the
 concept of a Knowledge Backbone as an organizing principle
 for a secure internal Intranet, which can be based around
 HTML files or HyperEdge, Tom got very excited.  He said,
 'Roice, I knew if I called you up you would be there with
 the support and tools to help me solve our Division's
 knowledge management tools.  You have always been five years
 ahead of the industry.'  We defined the basic relationship
 we would develop to do a proof-of-concept project, and I
 described my goal to work at a discounted consulting rate
 with the upside of being paid according to the quantified
 value provided to the Division.  Under these kind of
 conditions all we have to do is a 1% improvement to Division
 cash flow and we have $1.5 million dollar per year customer. 
 Based on all of the work for Saudi Aramco, Fletcher Challenge,
 Unocal, and others we anticipate a 20-40% increase in
 Division cash flow with an appropriate Knowledge Backbone. 
 In other words, this division of Texaco could become a
 $20-40 million per year customer.  

 It is interesting that two days later Patricia Kirk of
 Pennzoil called up and basically repeated the conversation. 
 She called back and requested an opportunity to come to
 Austin and see how I have been using HyperEdge as a project
 documentation tool.  I told her I would be in Houston Friday,
 as well as Monday through Wednesday of next week, and would
 be glad to give her a demonstration at Interactive
 Interpretation & Training's offices downtown Houston, next
 to Pennzoil.  She said she recommended a proof-of-concept
 project when we first demonstrated HyperEdge, but they have
 a serious documentation problem now and must have a solution. 
 Patricia called my cell phone back a half-hour later and we
 set up demonstrations for 8:30 Monday morning, May 12th.

 I realize I have been singing these kind of  'pipe dreams'
 since we started HyperMedia Corporation.  No, since we
 started Landmark Graphics.  No, since my first day at Mobil
 Oil.  I am not sharing these facts with the idea of bribing
 you to give our marriage another chance.  I am sharing them
 because I don't want you to pursue a course you will later
 regret, and I realize that right now finances are very
 important to you.  I recognize this because I love you."

#794, 01May97, VR in Geosciences '97.
"I love you because I feel you would have been proud of me if
 you could have been a fly on the wall watching how I helped
 bring together the conference VR in Geosciences '97.  There
 is a lot of talk about Virtual Reality, but the work Bowen
 and I are doing to apply the technology to real scientific
 problems is unique in all of the world.  The problem is both
 Bowen and I tend to overcommit, and thus sometimes our
 efforts come across like the Keystone Cops.  Thursday morning
 we could not get into the University of Houston Hilton until
 7:00 to set up for the conference.  Audio-visual stuff was
 still being set up as the conference started at 9:00.  I
 grabbed the ball and took over as the Morning Session leader,
 and it turned out quite good.  We had fifty folks in
 attendance from around the world, representing many of the
 major oil companies from BHP in Australia to Shell in The
 Hague,  many with large internal projects Virtual Reality
 projects.  I ended up eating lunch with the BHP representatives. 
 It always tells a lot about how good you are doing when the oil
 company representative volunteers to pick up the lunch tab at
 a meeting like this.  We had an open house all afternoon at the
 VETL, and I was pulled from oil company to oil company to answer
 questions about how they could work with the VETL and what kind
 of research projects are viable to undertake at this stage of
 development of the software.  Much of Thursday afternoon was
 spent with StatOil of Norway.  They had sent three
 representatives.  It was very fulfilling to have a group of
 intelligent others catch the vision I have been pursuing at
 the VETL for the last couple of years.  It might all be in my
 mind, but I hope you would have been proud of my efforts if you
 could have been a fly on the wall watching me at the conference. 
 And even if you could not be proud of my efforts, I love you."

#795, 02May97, Ken Turner's Art Show.
"I love you because you patient understanding and acceptance
 of Ken Turner came to mind several times on Friday.  We are
 both aware of how Ken overcommits and underdelivers in many
 of his activities.  I love his art, and he is a good friend,
 but it is sad to watch him struggle.  He and his whole family
 have been working so hard to get ready for his first major
 personal art show at the Art Center in Columbus.  As they
 worked past midnight a couple of nights this last week at our
 house attempting to get his web pages moved to a PC for
 demonstrations at the Art Show, I thought of how often I
 spin my wheels attempting to do something which doesn't
 quite seem to work.

 Friday's afternoon session at the VR in Geoscience '97
 conference was one of those times for me, as I described
 in Thoughtlet #97.18, Virtual Reality (http://www.walden3d.com/
 hrnmen/1997/9718.html).  Having a slide stick in the slide
 projector was compounded by the HTML presentation not allowing
 the images to advance from frame to frame.  There was a great
 lunch with Conoco, Phillips, and Arco, and good demonstrations
 at the VETL, but as I left for the house and to go to Ken
 Turner's Art Show opening, I could not help thinking about how
 both Ken and I can act like the KeyStone Cops in taking on a
 project.  

 I was disappointed Sara 'had made other plans' for the evening. 
 However, it really struck me that she is just telling me I have
 made 'other plans' relative to her and her interests for years
 and so why should she change her plans for something important
 to me any more than I change my plans relative to what is
 important to her.  Melanie was very gracious, talked to me about
 all of the cheer leading problems, and we had a good time.  She
 rode back to Houston with Loren, but she seemed to really enjoy
 the Art Show opening.  Rob and Brad were Rob and Brad, and were
 mostly out of control.  They were running around all over the
 place, and doing a variety of different things to be obnoxious. 
 Anders asked about you.  He expressed understanding sympathy to
 me for both of us.  There were several of my friends from
 Columbus there, and it was good to see them.  Joe Robert's and
 I spent quite a bit of time talking about Ken, his art, and
 whether the investments we each have made are worthwhile.  I
 continue to believe so.  Ken was tired, but excited.  Nell was
 frustrated to death with last minute logistics.  It was a nice
 open house, and I was very glad I went.  I missed your being
 with me because I love you."

#796, 03May97, Volcano.
"I love you because you were sitting next to me in my mind
 as I watched the movie Volcano alone.  I kept looking over
 to watch your reaction, and I missed having you with me so
 much.  I enjoyed the movie, and think you will enjoy it too. 
 Hope you take the time to go to it, maybe to take Rob, since
 I have already seen it.  It is about geologists who take on
 impossible tasks.  The geologists in this case were good
 looking women (one of whom 'All Things Considered' on the
 radio says just came out).  The symbolism of a volcano in
 downtown Los Angeles was interesting when compared to my
 emotions of the last few months.  I wish I handled my
 emotional reactions to everything going on in our lives
 better than I do because, despite my reactions and whatever
 happens in the future, I do love you."

#797, 04May97, No Excuse.
"I love you because you pointed out to me I have no excuse
 for getting upset with you because of Sara's choices with
 regards to attending church.  I know in my mind you are correct. 
 When I listen to Sara say 'I am going to be rich because I will
 never allow myself to be dependent on any man' I react
 emotionally very strongly to what I consider a lie.  The
 implication is that I have kept you buried in a totally
 dependent way.  A more correct truth, from my perspective, is
 you have had complete freedom, and you have chosen how to use
 that freedom.  You have had complete control of all of the
 money I bring home.  You have had complete control of how you
 spend your time.  You have had complete control of your body. 
 As Dr. White stresses over and over in PAIRS, 'the way we
 choose to interpret the facts determines our lifestyle.'  I
 realize I am the one that brings up the 'M' word, but please
 see my point of view how I could never compete with an internal
 pleasure short circuit, because as hard as I have tired to
 provide pleasure, I do not know where to push and how hard to
 push because I can not know what is providing you with pleasure
 like you can know within yourself when you are meeting your own
 physical needs.  I am set up to loose given the circumstances. 
 I have tried so hard to provide all the money you could need,
 and to come up with money to pay off the extra bills when there
 have consistently been excess expenses.  I am set up to loose
 given the circumstances.  I really have not tried to tell you
 how to spend your time, whether to go to school, whether to
 have study groups, whether to play musical instruments, etc. 
 I am set up to loose given the circumstances.  I strongly
 resent my daughter, whom I love, being given the perception
 you have been dominated, when, from my perception, you have
 attracted me because on a subconscious level you seem to think
 I would be like your father, you perceive things like daisy's
 for Valentines Day instead of roses as abusive (Lovelets instead
 of Captain Harriman's understanding and kindness), and you
 create abusive reactions to meet needs created by your own
 childhood pain and perceptions of men (there is no excuse for
 my breaking the china and it did not happen in a vacuum).  One
 of the things really coming home to me through PAIRS is that I
 can only change myself.  I can have and can share these feelings,
 these thoughts, and these reactions, but they don't serve me or
 anyone else if I don't resolve my own deep seated issues with my
 childhood, and specifically the issues with my mother.  I am
 working on accomplishing this.  I agree with you I have no excuse
 for attacking you about Sara's comments.  I have thought a lot
 about whether to say some of the other things I said in this
 Lovelet.  Believe it or not I am not sharing them in any sense
 of judgment or condemnation.  These words are simply my best
 current interpretation of facts, which hopefully you can process
 in a positive way and can be of some personal benefit to you. 
 There is no excuse for you taking what I have shared here as an
 attack or a way to put you down in any manner whatsoever.  These
 words are shared with you because I love you."

#97.18, Virtual Reality.
"When Roice took me out to dinner Tuesday night he said, `Well, you have
 had two good weeks in a row!'  Based on that comment I spent spare time
 today reading over each of the 32 Thoughtlet's I have sent and found 7 
 were downers, 7 were personal depreciations, and 18 described good weeks. 
 Maybe someone else would classify the weeks differently than what I chose
 to remember.  Considering all that has happened over the time frame of
 Thoughtlets, I feel like this is a pretty good record.  Some weeks were
 like this week, with both high's and lows, but my remembrance was mostly
 for the high's.  I believe in abundance and not scarcity.

 For instance, Walden 3-D co-sponsored the second annual `Virtual Reality
 in Geosciences' with the Virtual Environment Technology Laboratory (VETL)
 on Thursday and Friday of this week (see http://www.vetl.uh.edu/vrgeo97). 
 I had spent Monday in meetings at Mobil Oil and was at the Bureau of
 Economic Geology (BEG) in Austin Tuesday and Wednesday.  A year ago I
 gave a Virtual Seminar to 50 attendees at The VR in Geosciences '96
 conference in Halden, Norway from my home office.  The VR in Geosciences
 '97 Conference on Thursday and Friday had about 60 attendees from places
 as varied as Australia, Norway, Germany, South Africa, California,
 Oklahoma, Louisiana, New York, Texas, etc.  It is very exciting to me to
 see big companies starting to look at, and, in a couple of cases,
 starting to put fair amounts of research dollars into this new technology. 
 We were able to announce there is an alliance between the BEG and the VETL. 
 Several of the papers were very good.  I was the summary speaker and
 filled two slots since Bill Bavinger's father passed away earlier in the
 week and the `celebration service' was on the day of his talk.  I used
 some of Bill's slides to describe his work, and the first slide got stuck
 in the slide projector.  It took 5 minutes to fix the problem.  I did not
 think of this at the time, but Bill defines reality as `the electromagnetic
 spectrum,' and it would have been nice to have been as virtual as an
 electron cloud and to have disappeared from the scene. 

 Then I started to give my own presentation, which was a series of
 downloaded web pages (located at http://www.walden3d.com/papers/vrgeo97),
 only to find the Silicon Graphics we were using did not recognize some of
 the web links (or maybe there was a hardware problem with the mouse). 
 Bottom line is I stumbled through the talk, missed several of the images
 I planned to show, and felt like I did really bad.  Embarrassed is a good
 descriptive word.
 
 The whole experience reminded me of an 8th grade talent show when Randy
 Shirts and I played in for the whole Junior High School.  We played
 `Sukuaiki' and `Chim-Chim-Chiree.'  This was a year before the Beatles
 played on Ed Sullivan, and thus just before we formed `The Keynotes.'
 I played a six-string electric Gibson guitar and Randy played the
 Accordion.  I thought I knew the songs, but when the curtain came
 up I completely forgot what to do.  We started twice, stopped twice,
 and finally I signaled for the next act to come on.  I think it was
 Charlie Garfield or Doug Grimshaw on a skate board.  They lost control
 and the skate board almost hit Lance Whetton's drum set.  Talk about
 being embarrassed.  I had the music for the Walt Disney song, and we
 did that one ok.  Bottom line was it turned out to not be a complete
 failure, and I even had a couple of guys tell me they thought the
 whole thing was done on purpose. 

 When the Director for Upstream Information Management for Conoco came
 up after my talk at the Virtual Reality Conference and asked for the
 web site because `it seems like there are some significant ideas there,'
 I felt just like I did in 9th grade.  Made me wonder how many years I
 have been repeating this `faking it' process?  Whatever the `truth' is
 the way I have reacted inside is to feel like it turned out pretty good
 even if there was a significant hiccup in implementation.

 Uncle Lloyd's last e-mail from Pakistan covered the same concept with
 different words.  On Tuesday he wrote:

 `Dear All-- We write this last note with some very mixed emotions. 
  We are excited about going home, However, we will not be able to
  receive any more E-mail letter because we are shipping home the
  modem and probably the computer tomorrow.  So as of early in the
  morning (April 30)we will be off line till we get home and
  establish another E-mail address.  We close on a sad note. Yesterday
  we had an attempted armed robbery.  They thought we were not home
  at the time.  It was much to their surprise that we were here. 
  The sad part is that it was led by the Branch President.  I visited
  with the Mission President, and it was decided to close the Branch
  until the new Missionary couple arrive around the first of June.
  Our District President moved to India so we are without one until
  the person who has been selected arrives back from a visit to the
  USA. Its far too long a story to relate here, But hopefully we will
  have much time later to visit about it when we get home. It was such
  a shock for us, and it makes it hard to leave Pakistan so soon after
  this set back. Many of the things we had worked hard to develop
  seemed to evaporates over night. If People could just live the
  Gospel of Jesus Christ it would make such a difference in their
  lives. Know that we love you all, each and everyone.  D/M Warner'

 I feel I understand what Uncle Lloyd was writing about.  I received a
 copy of your Mom's proposed Divorce Decree on Thursday, the night before
 my talk.  As Melanie and Sara know, my reaction was to go in the bedroom
 and beat the mattress with a tennis racket until the anger got out.  It
 was hard to concentrate and finish writing the paper, but I did, and I
 even got compliments for it the next day.  As Uncle Lloyd probably 
 unintentionally encouraged the robbery, I definitely recognize I hold
 significant responsibility for your Mom feeling she has no other choice
 in regards to divorce.  I just have to look at how I reacted with your
 Mom about choices Sara made earlier in the day to see a glaring example
 of my errors.  Maybe some day I will be able to do feedback directed
 role playing in Virtual Reality, so I can better learn how to act and
 not react.  And despite the emotion behind this paragraph, I have had
 a pretty good week.

 In fact, I am quite excited about how several of the projects are going.
 BHP (Broken Hill Proprietary of Australia), Arco (in Plano), and The BEG
 have started what look to me like will become big projects at the VETL. 
 There is a good chance of seeing new projects with Chevron (LaHabra
 Research Center in California), StatOil (in Norway), and Shell (in The
 Hague of The Netherlands) start up within the next few months.  Then 
 there were great discussions with Phillips (Bartlesville, Oklahoma),
 Conoco (Houston), Oracle (San Francisco), and others. 

 I remember my first significant exposure to Virtual Reality at the
 SEG Convention in San Francisco.  We held a one-day research workshop
 on `Scientific Visualization' back in October of 1991.  We had
 principals from VPL research bring their data glove and head-mounted
 display devices over to the Marriott Center for the workshop.  Here I
 learned about one of the downside of the technology, namely how VPL
 researchers were experimenting with virtual sex, via full body suits
 with appropriate stimulation devices.  When learning of something that
 is personally repulsive, it is easy to bury your head in the sand and
 refuse to have anything to do with a particular technology.  However,
 you can't do away with offices because a colleague lets down their
 emotional and spiritual guard and `falls in love' with someone at the
 office.  If you take the time to look through my presentation, I hope
 you will see how important the upside potential good Virtual Reality
 can be for geosciences as well as other industries.  There is risk of
 misuse and wrong choices in all of life, and what we each must do is
 make sure we have grounded our personal values on principles solid
 like a rock and not shifting like sand.

 Roice's acceptance of a job at Advanced Structures Incorporated (ASI)
 this week highlighted this concept for me.  Your Mom and I were the only
 investor in ASI, back on 31 July 1991.  This year they did $9.5 million
 worth of business.  They have not made any profit yet, since everything
 is being reinvested in growing the company, and so they haven't been able
 to pay us back for our investment yet.  But they will.  Roice visited
 them over Spring Break a year or maybe two years ago, and got very 
 excited about the technology, the people, and the work.  He accepted
 a job with them at 1/3 less pay than some of his classmates are getting.
 And he is the number one student in his graduating class.  In fact, as
 he was visiting ASI suppliers one of them offered him a job at $9,000
 per year more than the offer he accepted.  He turned them down too.  I
 can not tell you all how proud I am of Roice.  I know that if he is
 doing something he really enjoys and is receiving sufficient compensation
 to meet his needs, he will over time accomplish order's of magnitude more
 than those who go to work based on the `big bucks.'  And more important
 he will enjoy work and life more, finding more fulfillment and energy
 to pull out of the normal trough's accompanying life.

 It was very fulfilling to be invited to attend The Inaugural Cockrell
 Scholars Dinner with Roice and 120 other UT students who each received a
 Cockrell Scholarship on Tuesday night.  I had a Jr. on my name tag and
 one of his classmates asked him how his son was doing.  It was a very
 nice evening.  After dinner we went to Book Stop and I bought him 
 three Covey books to supplement what he has learned in school as he
 enters the workforce.  Despite the negatives, it has been a good week.
 I hope each of you have a wonderful time this coming week."

#798, 05May97, Someone to Blame.
"I love you because you were at the mail box as I drove up
 to the house Monday afternoon.  It was wonderful to see
 you standing there.  I love to look at you, and I do not
 mean that in a sexual way.  Your figure and your face and
 your body give me a sense of peace and home.  Thank you
 for talking to me after I parked the car and walked out
 to the mail box.  After my angry words on Sunday about
 Sara's choices, it was nice to know you would still talk
 to me.  I meant what I said.  I miss you.  Not just
 sexually, I just miss you.  Your response was an off base
 interpretation of the facts.  No I do not miss you because
 I need someone to blame.  As I responded to you I think
 you blame me more than I blame you.  As I further responded
 to you, my response was blaming.  As I think back on the
 exchange, your first comment that I only miss you because
 I need someone to blame was very blaming.  Dr. White
 stresses how placaters tend to be victims, and then they
 use their victumhood to be blame their partner.  I
 recognize I do this and I am working on it.  Blamer's, on
 the other hand, just blame all of their issues on someone
 else.  I realize you say I do this, but for what it is
 worth, I do not think this is a valid interpretation of
 the way I live my life.  

 For instance, Monday morning I was at the VETL at 7:00 to
 help prepare for the OTC presentation Bowen Loftin and I
 committed to give.  Bowen was tied up when I first got
 there and so I laid down on the couch, because I was very
 tired.  He came by, turned on the light, and did not notice
 me.  A few minutes later he came out of his office and saw
 me asleep there.  I woke up and asked how the slides I took
 Friday afternoon turned out.  He said the people he took
 it too put them in the wrong place and they did not get
 developed.  He said he was just leaving to take them
 downtown.  I said I would take them downtown and wait for
 them to get developed.  When I got there the sign said open
 at 7:45 instead of 7:30.  At 8:15 there was still no one
 there.  I called Bowen on the cellular phone and agreed to
 meet him at the OTC.  I also called Bill Resley to confirm
 a meeting at 12:00 at Oracle with him.  Finally at 8:25 the
 guy came to his store.  He said it would take 1 1/2 hours
 to get the slides developed, that it was just part of the
 process.  The session we were to talk at started at 9:00,
 and he was saying the first we could see if the slides were
 good would be 10:00.  I thanked him for the information and
 drove back to the VETL.  Bowen and I rode together to the
 Astrodome in his car.  I put slides together from some other
 presentations we have done in the car.  We went to the wrong
 entrance and had to walk all the way around the dome to where
 the kids graduation was.  I was not registered.  Bowen was but
 had to go back around to the AstroArena.  I registered, caught
 the shuttle and made it to the room just as Bowen made it
 there from going back over to the other side.  We briefly
 strategized about how we were going to give the presentation.
 I worked with the projectionist and found out they did have a
 video projector we could use, which pretty much made up for not
 having the slides.  I read our expanded abstract and made notes
 on 3" x 5" note cards for my portion of the presentation. 
 There were about 200 people in the room.  Bowen did great, he
 passed the microphone to me and I tied together a geotechnical
 portion of the story as best I could, bringing in some of Bill
 Bavinger's words (who was in Norman, Oklahoma taking care of his
 Father's funeral) and Sam LeRoy's concepts.  Then I put in the
 video and it would not work.  We had projectionists running up
 and down the isle, and finally after I left the stand it worked,
 but they had already announced the next speaker.  That speaker
 was quicker than anticipated and so they asked me to come back
 up and narrate the BEG video.  I came back up, but the projector
 would not work, and after 3 minutes, which seemed like an eternity,
 the projectionists finally got it working.  As Bowen and I rode
 back to the VETL I called Oracle and apologized for being a half
 hour late.  Bill was already there, and he made some comment about
 how he had told Tom Stewart how terrible my morning had gone. 
 Later he told me he would have been absolutely devastated by just
 one of the issues of the morning.  Bowen and I just looked at each
 other, smiled understandingly, and said we really need to both cut
 back on the number of things we are doing so we can do a better
 job of those things we do.  There was not a word of blame.  There
 was no feelings of victim.  We have both been through this kind of
 Chinese fire drill so many times we kind of expect there to be
 problems.  It was just, well we learned some things not to do from
 this experience next time, lets get on after the next opportunity.

 It seems to me if someone views their life through a blame filter
 they could tend to expect others to see things through that same
 kind of filter.  I hope these words are of some positive use to
 you as you continue on your road to find yourself and to get rid
 of any pain you have left over from your childhood because
 I love you."

#799, 06May97, Paul's Letter.
"I love you because you called me and read me Paul's letter. 
 It was so nice to hear your voice as you said, 'There was a
 letter from Paul today and I want to read it to you because
 I know you have also been worried about him.'  Monday night
 I had a prayer with the kids and had asked very specifically
 to hear very soon that Paul was OK and to know there is not
 a problem.  I realize the letter was already at the Post
 Office waiting to be delivered on Tuesday, but I am more and
 more believing in a Holographic Universe (see the book by
 the same title), and that when we pray in faith, that prayer
 may already have been answered because the Lord knows we
 will pray in faith.

 As you read Paul's words there were tears in my eyes and a
 burning in my heart: 'Hello from Siberia again.  I just want
 to start this letter explaining the mail system.  It is not
 too reliable.  I just got letters mailed on the 2 March? 
 The Pouch just collects a bunch to ship all at once.  It is
 just confusing ... I will make a gape and some presents to
 send ya'all through him.  I can't really send it from here
 it might not make it.  So he can mail it when he gets to
 Utah for me.  Oh on Mother's Day I will probably call (your
 time morning) to let you know what time to call me back that
 night.  O.K.  Well that's it.  Love ya oodles."  I'm sorry I
 was so emotional I could not respond.  Thank you for calling
 and reading the letter to me more than I can say.  Please
 know it is a fact I love you."

#800, 07May97, Lovelet's Continued.
"I love you because you are still my wife and I have written
 you 800 daily Lovelets telling you how much I love you.  At
 an average of 30 minutes each, the 50 man-days of work
 these Lovelet's represent seems a small price to pay.  Even
 if it is only an average of 35 minutes each it is still 25
 man-days of work, and I just wish I had the tools to put 10
 times that work in in ways that were 1,000 times more effective. 
 But I have done what I could, I am glad I made the effort, I
 hope it has made you smile, feel warm inside, and I hope
 someday this effort helps you to know how much I love you. 
 I have not sent e-mail Lovelet's to you since April 3rd
 because you are so adamant you do not want anything to do
 with me.  I will stop e-mailing you Lovelets the next time
 you ask me to, and will not start them up again until you give
 me permission.  However, I will continue to write them, and I
 will post them on my web site at http://www.walden3d.com/
 hrnmen/men once you tell me to stop e-mailing them to you. 
 I intend to tell the kids about this change in next week's
 Thoughtlet, which will be on the topic of Graduation, and
 will be written from the Bureau of Economic Geology Sunday
 evening after Roice's graduation.  

 I am a farmer.  I believe if you plant good seeds you will
 eventually get the crop you desire.  I firmly believe and
 have had a witness to my soul that the brethren are right
 when they say the best thing you can do for your children
 is to love their mother.  I will continue to write these
 Lovelets as a diary for our descendants, as a way for our
 children to get to know me better, and because it is true
 I love you."

#801, 08May97, There's No Place For Me Here.
"I love you because you are so consistent.  I told you I
 would be home Thursday evening, but you forgot.  When I
 walked into the bedroom and saw you looking at your eye
 in the mirror, in the buff, I was surprised and embarrassed. 
 I felt like I had walked in on my mom.  Funny reaction.  

 Roice was very glad to see you.  I was pleased he decided to
 come home with me for the weekend.  I meant it when I said
 'You do not have to leave.  The way we interpret the facts
 determines our lifestyle.'  I strongly disagree with your
 statement 'There is no place for me here.'  As I e-mailed
 in my response to your comments about the Divorce Decree, I
 hope there will always be a place for you with me.  I really
 believe Dr. White has great insights when she says:
 'Emotions are not real, they are just messages from our
 childhood.  We must learn to discriminate in order to know
 what to act on.  When we are aware we can separate our
 thoughts/beliefs, our feelings, and our behaviors or actions
 and reactions.  Family systems are circular and not linear. 
 Any child will become like a disowned parent unless they work
 it out.  Whenever we are reactive it is about us and about our
 fears.  Communication needs to be direct between two people
 and not in triangles which always create a perpetrator, rescuer,
 and victim.  The only thing that works is direct discussion.'

 There is a place for you at 1307 Emerald Green, and I hope
 there will always be a place for you in my heart.  I know there
 is now, and I do not foresee any circumstance which would
 change this fact.  My interpretation of the facts is simply
 that I love you."

#802, 09May97, Volcano Again.
"I love you because you got Roice home in time for us to go
 see the movie Volcano again together.  It was fun to watch
 him talk Melanie into going with us.  Movies are pretty much
 an alone thing, although Melanie did eat a little bit of my
 popcorn, Roice shared some of his sprite with me, and we
 shared a box of hot tomalleys.  I never did tell them I had
 already seen the movie already, although Melanie guessed it
 from comments I made as we walked in.  It was really funny
 on the ride home.  Roice and I were tearing the movie apart
 from a technical standpoint.  'Dad, why did the fire come up
 and disappear so fast?'  'Do you know what a fireball is?' 
 'If the temperature of the ground read 647 degrees Fahrenheit
 she would have cooked right there as she tried to measure it,
 and the plastic on the thermometer would have melted.'  'The
 seismologist was cute.'  And then Melanie said, 'I can't
 believe this conversation.  If my friends and I had gone to
 that movie we would never have talked about those kind of
 things.  You two are a couple of real nerds.'  Even though we
 were each in our own Virtual Reality during the movie, it was
 fun to interact on the way home.  It was harder to have them
 both leave and go to your place and leave me alone, but I had
 some PAIRS homework to do and I kept busy.  As I did the
 homework I kept thinking about how much I love you."

#803, 10May97, Paul's Mother's Day Call.
"I love you because you were on my mind at PAIRS on Saturday. 
 I won't try to describe all of the exercises, lectures, and
 activities.  The homework I did was to create a Genegram of
 our family.  There is a lot to learn from the patterns of
 how our ancestors reacted with each other.  There is no
 question we found each other to get each other to look at
 our family of origin and the circumstances we were raised
 in in detail.  I wish I had done a better more positive way
 of sharing my thoughts along this line with you.  I appreciate
 everything you have taught me about my family, how sick it has
 been, and how much I need to learn in order to not become like
 my mother, the parent I have disowned.

 Thanks for coming over to the house for Paul's Mother's Day call. 
 It was sure good to hear his voice.  It was even better to see
 you and Roice sitting together huddled over the speaker phone
 talking about stuff with him.  Watching your reactions as he
 said, 'Didn't you get my letter about being robbed?' was
 absolutely priceless.  As I stood in back of you and looked at
 the fit of the dress against your form I wanted to grab you and
 hold you.  I hope someday you will want me to hold you.  I
 expect you have to learn to enjoy holding yourself first.  Paul
 obviously doesn't wake up very fast yet.  However, as the
 conversation progressed he got funnier and funnier.  When Roice
 asked if he had got everyone to smile yet and he answered, 'Yes,
 three people!' I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  Paul is very
 special.  Your interaction with him on the phone was very special. 
 Thank you again.  I love you."

#804, 11May97, Mother's Day Lovelets.
"I love you because you are our children's mother.  I love
 our children.  As mentioned in Lovelet #800, I believe the
 best thing I can do for my children is to love their mother. 
 Therefore, I have prepared all of these Lovelets to send
 you as Mother's Day Lovelets, my present for the mother of
 our children, sent because I love you."

#97.19, Phones.
"We finally heard from Paul again.  Three times in one week.  One letter 
 and two phone calls!  Both your Mom and I have been quite worried about
 not hearing anything from Paul for several weeks.  In fact, on Monday
 night in our Family prayer with those of you at home, I recall pleading
 he is OK and that we would hear confirmation of this fact soon.  The
 next afternoon your Mom called me in Austin and read me a letter from
 him.  I felt like it was an answer to a prayer.  Some of the choice words:
 `Hello from Siberia again.  I just want to start this letter explaining
 the mail system.  It is not too reliable.'  `Our new member program where
 we get one name a week.  I thought a lot about it this last week.  I just
 felt like I was asking these members to do something that I wasn't sure I
 would do.  So I commited (sic) myself to do it.  So I plan to send a name
 a week of friends I have for the missionaries to contact.'  `Thank you
 for caring Dad but I am fine.  really!  When I submerge myself in the
 work it doesn't bug me I am too busy.'  `love ya oodles,
 cmapeuwuha Hercom (:'

 Then Saturday just as I was leaving to go to a PAIRS workshop he called
 for Mother's day with instructions as to when and how to call him at
 6:30-7:00 on Saturday evening our time (6:30-7:00 Sunday Morning Mothers
 Day in Siberia).  He only caught me because I came back in the house
 to get a notebook I forgot.  I was more than surprised to hear his voice,
 and he could tell.  Mom came over to the house, Roice had come home from
 Austin for the weekend with me, Rob, Sara, and I gathered around the
 speaker phone.  It took a dozen tries and an operator to get through.
 The line was just busy because his companion was talking to his Mom.
 During one of the dial tones Rob bounced the basketball and broke the
 antique coat rack in the front hall.  I bought the stuff to fix it later
 Saturday evening at the new Lowes store, but Rob and I haven't got it 
 done yet.  It is a pretty bad break.  When we got through I asked for
 Elder Nelson, his companion said just a minute and it sounded like he
 was still asleep.  It was a fun conversation.  I won't remember
 everything, but I will write what I remember for Melanie, who was at
 work, for Ben, who was in College Station, for Rob, who left because 
 he was upset about breaking the antique coat rack and mirror, for
 Sara, who left after a while with a friend, and for the rest of you
 who participate/read/trash these Thoughtlets.

 When asked about the stores, Paul said there are no lines.  He says the
 stores are different.  They have meat cleavers and hang pig heads up in
 the main street.  I told him he was just having an opportunity to sort 
 of make up for missing out on Nelson Meat Packing Plant.  He said he
 has promised Melanie to four of the missionaries there.  When he needs
 a sweater or something he shows Melanie's picture and promises to set
 the elder up with her when they get back to the states.  He has only got
 a couple of the letters sent to him.  The first one he received was a
 postcard from Mrs. Olsen at Taylor High School.  He hasn't received the
 mail Sara and Rob sent yet.  He was surprised when we told him we have
 not received the mail about him being robbed yet.  We jumped right on
 that comment.  Turns out when they were out of the apartment, someone 
 broke in and took about $180 in cash from him.  He needs to replace
 his emergency money, and we will get some money wired to him this week.
 After a while he started to wake up.  When asked what he wanted said
 to Kristina, he said `Hi.'  Said because she is moving to an apartment
 he was not suppose to write her for a while.  Said he has sent her 
 several letters in one envelope.  Also said he has written us every
 week, even though we haven't received the letters.  The guy that built
 the handcart for the Mormon Trek to Utah lives in his area, and they
 hope to start teaching him this week.  It was so good to hear his voice
 and to know he is OK.  Siberia is a long ways away.  As Roice gets 
 ready to go to work for A.S.I. in Santa Monica, California, another
 foreign country, it brings out how nice it is to have letters, e-mail,
 and, of course, phones.

 I remember when I was little both Grandpa Hafen and Dad used to get 
 upset about the amount of time Grandma Hafen and Mom would spend on the
 phone.  And they only lived in St. George and Cedar City respectively.
 I remember there was a three minute sand timer that Mom was suppose to
 use whenever she made a long distance call.  I think it was Grandpa
 Hafen that instituted this device.  When your Mom and I got engaged,
 I carried this same tradition over into our relationship.  We would
 call once a week, and strictly limited our calls to three minutes.  I
 would do that different if I could now.  Especially, the time Marti
 called up after Grandpa and Grandma Sharp had had a particularly ugly
 fight.  I wasn't very good at comforting, and guess I still am not, but
 I hope you kids will each make an effort to empathy, concern, love, and 
 spending the time necessary to make sure someone doesn't feel alone.
 I'm not talking about myself right now, maybe your Mom, or maybe one
 of you needs the others to call and provide a bit of buoying up.  Ben
 and Roice, I think Sara could use a little one-on-one from each of you
 right now, as an example.  It will be worth the cost of the phone call
 over the time you have to be siblings.  Phone calls are a good
 investment in relationship building.

 Isn't it wonderful we have the technology which makes this possible. 
 Think about how my parents at your age did not have access to phones
 most of the time, and how phones had not even been invented when my
 Grandparents were your age.  What tremendous changes have occurred in
 such a remarkably short period of time.  At the PAIRS class on Saturday,
 one of the participants started talking about a gross analysis of
 history (the dark ages, renaissance, reformation, and industrial age),
 and compared the cold war to the dark ages, predicting we are entering
 a new renaissance period over the next 20 years.  Check out my version 
 of this idea in stanza 2.III.A.46. in Prime Words:

 	Houston:	Home of the second renaissance (a)
			A myriad of energy chatter (b)
			And other vivacious denizens
			Of more stirring water (c)
 
 (a) As centered in the time, space, dollars, and concepts pursued by
     Walden 3-D, Inc.
 (b) Home of the Oil & Gas Industry.
 (c) Bill Bavinger quoting from Moby Dick with news of a contract to do
     an environmental impact study of the country of Mexico, 09 Jul 1993.

 Hope we all have a good week, and if we face a trial that we learn the
 lesson embedded in the trial specifically for us."

I'm interested in sharing why I love you.  I know how important
the written word is to you, and if you ever feel neglected,
ignored, or unloved, and would like an up-to-date bound copy of
these lovelets or any subset of these lovelets for any purpose
you might have come to mind, please tell me or e-mail your request 
to rnelson@walden3d.com with the request 'lovelet update.'

     With all my love,

     Roice